Thursday, dad stuff, polishing a mirror

It is Thursday. A bunch of folks canceled so I only had two clients today and they were both hard for different reasons. 

After work I was determined to journal, went to a park and got irritable. I came home and felt kind of exhausted for no reason though. I messed around on my phone, didn't accomplish half my goals. Went out to get dinner and stuffed myself. 

On Thursdays I normally go to open mic, but I just wasn't feeling being around people. 

Maybe feeling like the world is in a scary place and I don't know how to hold it all... loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry the weight of the world.

I am re-reading Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass, which I actually think is one of my fav books. It is so well written, and packs in so many big concepts, interesting quotes and fascinating stories. 

I am finding it is helpful with giving me perspective, but tonight I lost it... tonight I am feeling down and out. Maybe it is the thing I've been rolling around in the back of my head all day (below) or maybe it is the state of the world, or maybe it is that I have a bunch of things this weekend and I just wanted some time to myself. 

Part of it is that I wrote myself a series of questions (kind of based off the book) to reflect on what the deal is with me and my dad right now... and I couldn't get centered enough to write until like an hour ago. After writing I wrote some commentary at the top -wondering if maybe this needs to be a regular practice. 

SO without much ado... 

Maybe I keep asking myself these questions periodically… in answering them this time, I am not sure much has changed. Maybe we have to wait till less interesting times* to not get dragged into the mess of politics and how it impacts the relationship.  9/10/26

 

What am I attached to when it comes to Dad?

I think my initial answer is that I want my dad to be someone I respect, someone I honor, someone I go to for wisdom, a friend, a peer, etc… but more than that there is this desire that he be someone I can rely on.  Someone I can turn to for comfort, someone who won’t leave me out in the cold, a safety, a security, a fallback.  I think the younger version of me still craves this. I think he also likes to see himself this way.

I think there is a part of me that wants him to change his politics (teen/adult self) because I want to see that he understands, can grow, etc. Not just understands me, but sees the world in a similar way. I think this is a further iteration of this desire that I can feel secure and trust in him… he sees the world as I do, which means he is hurt and longs for the same things. Which means he understands and can support me.

I think there is a newer part that wanted to be excited or motivated to take care of him as he ages. I think I thought I was preparing for time spent, and wanting that time to feel positive. Our walks around the lake felt like a way of securing and practicing that… but it was disrupted when I realized he doesn’t understand me even if he hears me.

I think underneath these ideas is this idea that I have parents who can support and nourish me. That I am not alone. That my family has my back. That there will be more connection than disconnection.

 

In what way am I being self-righteous rather than just being?

I am holding on to the idea that these issues matter more than the relationship… that they are bigger than the relationship. I see these patterns; I see an action and a consequence. I point that out, and I am not believed despite being right.  I see how inaction and choices made for the other side actively harm me. Harm my business, harm my lifestyle, harm my clients, harm people I care about. I point that out and rather than it being acknowledged and them taking responsibility for their behavior, I am told to get over it.  As in, it doesn’t matter that I hurt you, you’ll have to figure out how to live with that.  Additionally, I see how my hurt is considered less important than their discomfort…  My emotions, my feeling of security, my experience of being trusted, respected, believed, etc.… are asked to be on hold. I recognize that there may be ideas I’ve not been introduced to, or perspectives I could take in, but frequently these are either not offered, or offered in a way that doesn’t actually shift anything. EG conservative talking points without taking any responsibility. So my righteousness protects my perspective (sure ego) but also my mental, emotional, spiritual self, and my lived experiences… If they are not interested in them, discard them when it is convenient to them, then why be in relationship?

 

What do I need to let go of in order to maintain relationship?

To just BE with this, I would need to let go of or downplay my hurt. I’ve done that. I would have to pretend or join their denial… I could try to see it their way, but they don’t do a good job of demonstrating the logic, and they don’t do the same… so it would be me putting more into the relationship mentally and emotionally… not reciprocal. They express their care in different ways… ways that I don’t necessarily always need. Sometimes in ways that challenge me to grow or to feel invested in differently… but not with the same emotional bond. So to stay in relationship, I’d need to let go of my attachment to the idea that I should be able to go to my parents for emotional understanding, comfort, compassion. I’d be in the relationship on their level, not mine. Potentially meeting their needs and wants, not mine.

I keep thinking if I needed to rely on them, maybe it would be different. For my sister and little brother – it is. They both heavily rely on my dad and step mom. For my older brother -its him wanting his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, meanwhile he is emotionally distant from them.

 If I needed a place to stay? If I needed a favor?  If it were transactional?  But none of these -change the emotional level. I would be grateful. I already am grateful, but I am not connected.

If my dad was hurt or ill? Dies? Would I suddenly want the relationship back?  It feels like something fundamentally shifted… I would of course care. I would probably wish I had more time… but I am not sure what it would change. I walked around the lake with him 5 times explaining different aspects, pouring out my heart, sharing my pain… he listened. He didn’t want to change, to empathize, to comfort. So that’s not the relationship he wants… So transactional then. An exchange of gifts of roughly equal value. Activities together… But why listen if its not for understanding? That’s not real. That’s what felt like it fundamentally shifted. He asks the question, waiting for me to change, to forgive him etc. but that’s me crying as a kid again, and him not doing anything to be there for me.  

In what ways can I honor my own experience without needing compassion, empathy or understanding from him?

I think there are lots of ways I can meet my own needs, be there for myself etc… including taking this time of being distant. I have to let go of an attachment that is meaningful to me, and accept what feels like a diminished position. Dad is 3 rings further out on the trust exercise.  It’s not what I want. It is what is… but I won’t be able to trust, or go to him for understanding on things, because he sees the world and his place in it differently. It will be like seeing him as a client or a coworker, who I would not choose to have a personal relationship with. Like how my brother and sister in law see him. I could go there and pretend to be all loving, but I would have to truly be in a place in which my cup feels full. I have filled it, and I don’t need or want more from them. I can’t expect that of them. SO I have to do it myself… and then, sure, value their experience, their gifts, but a distant type of connection, not in genuine relationship.

In what ways can I honor his incarnation, have compassion for his experience?

There are a lot of ideas/perspectives/experiences that I can hold and have compassion for. Very quickly my mind moves to areas in which he feels vulnerable… hearing, aging, money, feeling that he doesn’t have power -and becomes resentful. I have compassion for and empathy for these experiences, but they don’t necessarily mean he is right.  Just because you’re bitter, doesn’t make you right…  I can honor and have compassion for his lived experiences, the ways he has tried to grow and change, take on new things. I can be very grateful for the ways he has shown up for me in my life… but also expect him to take responsibility for his incarnation… right?  Like… if you don’t have the information, why not believe someone who does?  If you feel trapped or bitter, why not empower yourself rather than take it out sideways…  go to therapy man, find something bigger than yourself, don’t make it all about you or her.

Additionally, I think I can absolutely honor the ways he does show up for others. The ways he mows the neighbor’s lawn or shovels or whatever. In many ways he is a lovely neighbor. In many ways he is a lovely acquaintance, a friend, even a father when it suits him. There were plenty of times that he did show up for me when I had not expected him to, or didn’t even ask. But I also feel like they served to reduce his own anxiety.

I can have a lot of empathy-for that. I have absolutely been that guy. I certainly have showed up to reduce my own anxiety in life, I certainly have played the hero when it suited me, I have certainly played the victim or the villain when it suited me too. That melodrama is real. I guess I am just wondering why we are playing it out? I’ve tried to be open and responsible about my side. I’ve asked them to be responsible for theirs.

In what ways are my fear, insecurity, self-consciousness getting in my own way? In what ways are you living in your own punishment, melodrama that actually isn’t changing anything?

Starving yourself to punish the other. Wondering if they are thinking of you. Not accepting the truth-reality, that it has always been this way and I didn’t stand my ground. Not taking full responsibility for your own stuff because you are afraid. Scared you will be abandoned. Not reaching out to keep the discussion going. Not asking for their side, because their side is painful to hear.

 

How can I let the waves play out, let go of the anger and hurt, and just see the sea again?

On some level this feels kind of naïve… like, I can’t in the ways that I used to. But there is a sea somewhere and I think it requires this time and processing, and finding my security and safety and comfort elsewhere (or inside) to be able to see the sea. To not have waves of rage and hurt.

 

What do I get from the relationships that makes it worthwhile to invest?

It’s so sad that right now I am not sure. I have already come up with a million things that I love, and am grateful for from them… but I still feel very much like I have to choose me first, or it will never work. I can’t keep choosing them over me… and that’s what calmed the sea before, me downplaying the waves and pretending to be ok.

I think it is really easy to say… well I am just not being compassionate enough, or spiritual enough, or I am getting in my own way. But again, it feels like fundamentally something shifted… I am recognizing a pattern in which I am asked to get over my hurt, for someone else’s discomfort. They don’t want to grow, or change, or learn, or open up to the possibility that they are wrong, or hurtful or anything… so I can play the role of saint, but for what?  Has my compassion for them shifted the relationship? Has it made it better?  Has it made them want to open up? 

I don’t know their perspective, and they aren’t sharing it.

I have a feeling they would double down on the meaningless things they’ve already said, and wonder why I can’t accept a truce when their beliefs and actions continue to cause harm, distance etc.

There is something about the spiritual side of “love your enemies” that isn’t fully said, which is sometimes holding them accountable is the love, rather than pitying or infantilizing them. I am not ready to treat them like they aren’t capable of introspection (as my brother and sister basically suggested).