Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I snuck away to the computer lab determined to talk about religious quests and find an e mail that haunts my thoughts.
I have no recourse and no way to change things, I have no options my opinion means nothing and im across a fucking ocean.
so i wait, to hear more, and hope that my heart can handle it. I TEAR UP IN A FUCKING COMPUTER LAB FROM WORRY AND GET ANGRY WITH FRUSTRATION!
I try to convince myself not to write to those with some sway...
I dont try very hard, I try very fucking hard!!!!
(im sorry this is not about anyone who will read this!)


determined to talk about religion.

I was doing my reading for history, medieval passages on religion what it is to be a devotee, a monk etc. They said there were 4 kinds (you should really know that my heart isnt in this post anymore) so i will probably screw a lot of this up.
the first was the monk who was devoted and followed his abbot, lived at the monastery etc.
the second was the monk who with the help of much guidance had learned to listen to god alone and thus left the monastery to pursue god's calling but by himself (so go to the desert)
the third was the monk who claimed he followed god and didnt and thus was unruly in the monastery or something
and the fourth was like the third but with a group of his friends and they preached and corrupted.

What are we?
How do we know
Where are those who follow the path?

I once met a woman who had devoted herself to buddhism, she spent 7 years in a monastery ( i think) when you join you dont know when they will let you leave (for some it could be a year for some 30) anyway
after a year or so (i think) they start you on a program where you arent allowed to speak.
no talking (and once again this is until they tell you, so you dont know when you will be allowed to again)
you spend your day meditating. you look inward you look outward you put away things like family anf friends (who you have no contact with the entire time) out of your mind,

her husband was outside, he was either in his own monastery or not in it at all. he supported her, not hearing from her, not knowing when she would come out. he stayed devoted as well

she describes going crazy, and then it all becoming clear again...
one day they let her speak again. she stayed for another 5 years or so.



in another section of the passages they described devotion to god, and your abbot who is like god to you in that they have all the influence over your life.
They describe not struggling with god, but following his path.
they list off probably 100 traits all of which i think i try to follow. and they say do not fight.
but was it jacob who fought with the angels over his path? was he not a prophet, was he not chosen by god and did god not give him the limp, the reminder, still he had won. It was his path and his path to serve god.

sometimes I wonder who i am.
today i am worried
today i am too dependent on this world
today i am too jealous
today i care too much
today i dont trust
today i worry the spirit is not directing someone
today i worry their ears are closed and syes shut
today i worry about another's path their choice their direction

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I got a girl who i love, partially because everytime I hear from her she has a new future job, none of which she would ever leave behind, none of which she wouldnt do if it offered her the chance. Today its this later that, tomorrow this and the next day that. she will live on for eternity or die tomorrow always hopeful and mindful to look out for opportunities.
She will be the 90 yr old saying we should go for a walk because there are still things to see and do, she will be 120 and tripping on acid to reach out and explore even further.

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I swear im two timing her... I swear she doesnt deserve the treatment I give her and neither does the other, I fear that maybe i will be stretched too thin of they both call out at once, I swear i'll rip myself a part and put myself back together for each.

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I swear im more than that, i swear i'll work harder so they arent the only ones, I swear i'll shred every hair from my head my arm my leg and each will one day have the strength i do right now, so that each and every woman man and animal can have a back rub and a heart felt word of encouragement.
I swear I cant do it alone, I swear i'll stop crying frustrated and do something right.

starting with those right here.

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im sorry.... to all of you who i fail. im sorry for failing so many times.


peace and love