5 or 6 notes

1) A lot of the time people apologize when they wake me up. Truth is normally that I'm sleeping because I don't have anything else to do. So if you ever call and I am sleeping and you want to do something, normally thats a good reason to wake me.

2) My family is out of town today and I don't have any plans. I slept in till 4:00. I have no motivation to do anything really... but I'm not necessarily depressed. I just dont know what to do with myself. My goals were A) shower(check) B) brush teeth and comb hair (check) C) go get deodorant... D) make sure I am ready for work tomorrow.

3) Reading all these books on shamanism and religion and mystics and what not makes me want to try hallucinogens. A few days ago I stopped a kid while he was talking because he told me something along those lines. I didn't regret telling him, but I also wanted to tell him I understood what he was saying. So now I feel bad, because he felt guilty for telling me.

4) One of the people in the book I am reading said something about how hallucinogens are not for people who are seeking spiritual experiences but for those seeking sensory experiences (a different look at things)... I haven't really figured out which I am right now... because though I am feeling very strongly about spirituality and wanting to grow in it, I am also feeling very human right now. Very lacking in something, and it is these times when we seek a different view most often.

5) Four things I know I am not lacking in: family support, friends (if I would reach out), opportunities, ability
3 things I am lacking right now: companionship, awareness of stability, will

The free fall breeds anxiety for me. This has always been the case. Right now I am very in flux, and sometimes its really good, and others not bad (but not good)... and I have never liked roller coasters. So I guess I'm waiting for something to hit, or some plateau to reach.

6) "all the good times are on their way" jf says...
um one of the people in the book, was talking about how sometimes mystics and seekers, find god when they feel the most detached from him (this person was Jewish I think, but used a lot of Christian references). I was thinking of the music that has had the biggest impact on me, usually complex crazy multi layered pieces, usually having some tremendous buildup and climax, also usually having some sort of chaotic awful falls into something really depressing.
JF, Mars Volta, some of the more pop sounding bands I like have this with either a line that hits so hard that its impossible not to feel sad, or some wonderful jam in which everything seems beautiful... but beauty often comes from chaos I guess is part of it. Even the international music I listen to has this... I think its what causes my mom anxiety when she listens to it.
But that part is beautiful to me.
Anyway, I was noting this in music...
And also in spiritual instances I have had... Of course the ones that sustain me regularly are these chats that I have with people, or seeming them in their element... that sort of thing. But often then come with the person revealing something really hard. or displaying some sort of tenderness for those who have had something happen to them.
The other, the more traumatic ones, usually came after some horrible point where I was ready to give up on life altogether, and I pleaded with god to let me know there was something worth it, and suddenly it was. Not anything more than a feeling, no trippy visuals , no voices, no spirits... well maybe some spirit... but I was always alone and then suddenly not.
And you don't tempt something like that. You don't cry wolf. So that hasn't happened very often.
but sometimes I get glimpses of it praying, or singing, or painting.... or in talking to people... and thats that sustaining power.
Anyway... I thought it was interesting... for me... it really isn't always at my best that I am closest with god... or maybe its when I'm low that I notice the difference (which is what we call hell).

Whatever you are sick of me.
fuck it.

fiddle sticks and love?

Talked to mel on the phone. She seems alright, but we were talking about being single. I think both of us sort of rely on the it will come to us method... and in moments of doubt... well.
But I was watching Angelina Jolie movies and thinking about how hard it would be to love someone who acts for a living, because maybe the line wouldn't always be clear, of when they were performing and when they were real. As if there are such things.
I'm worried that my school wont offer enough mental challenge. At the same time, its probably the best fit I will ever find for me (at this point in life) and I really actually do hope they keep me on. Everyday I want to beg for it... but thats not professional.
I also want to move to the area because that seems like the place to be.
I also want to be closer to certain friends I have been losing touch with.
It's weird, Becky being away and having people over all the time and friends and stuff makes me realize I have neglected my other friends. At the same time I miss her even though she has been around, just different.

When I was in europe the second time... I was dating Alexis, but she was sort of seeing another guy. They were really just good friends, with crushes, as far as I knew... and I wasn't really jealous, or rather I was comfortably jealous... because I appreciated him and what they had...
and could see that it was good for her. When I returned she made a sort of joke about how she had kind of been dating someone... it stung a little, but I know I have had becky in that role for a long time now. Someone who you care about, who cares about you... it doesn't have to be a "real relationship" because there is love there.. There doesn't have to be physical intimacy, because you are content to have someone who knows you... and they can fill your days, and be your confidant, and a fellow adventurer and it doesn't have to be anymore than that... but it keeps you from looking for those things elsewhere. In Lex's case (with her friend) it seemed to have kept her loyal to me when she probably shouldn't have been. In my with case with becky it kept me on solid ground when I needed to assert myself in that relationship... but in lex's eyes kept us from going forward.
Recently Becky and my relationship has allowed me to be content and not search... but now she has someone, and she has a group of friends, and foreign travelers who come and go but add something to her life. And I should use this opportunity to find others.

Love is very tricky. I was telling mel that in all my relationships I was never really sure at all about anything. I moved forward because I liked the people and believed in them, and thought that because of that... we would work. But just because you care about someone doesn't mean they are right for you... and we call these "mistakes" but we don't regret them. We love them though they torment us. And the slightest bit of attention from them even today makes my heart jump and my smile show.

So we were complaining about how we don't know how to pursue. You can go places and join dating networks... but you don't believe that is for you. You put yourself out there now and then, but you don't make moves.

I tend to become friends with women, but in those first few days, weeks, months, I think about the possibility... until something happens and I realize that we would make much better friends. Leaving me with 10 or so new friendships a year (not that any of them were interested in more necessarily, but once the idea is gone its gone *for me).

I feel bad complaining, but in some sense I hope others who are single or in a relationship and know about these thoughts, fears, hopes, frustration... relate rather than judge.
Other friends have mentioned it a lot lately... its comforting to know we aren't alone... but because we are all in different arenas its hard to help each other out.

I often think its funny when people suggest that I should meet someone... because usually that sort of thing doesn't work very well... maybe when I'm 30. Speaking of which, a student remarked today that I looked 30... we agreed it was the facial hair... but if you look at those pictures I put up a few days ago.. its very obvious how much i have changed (at least to me).
But mostly I covet my former body. (which is funny, because I hated it at the time, like I hate mine now *sometimes)
but like Tim Minchin remarks in his song "Not Perfect" "this is my body and I live in it... the weirdest thing about it is, I spend so much time hating it, but it never says a bad word about me. This is my body and its fine... its not perfect, but its mine."


but back on topic. I also think its really strange how many different depictions of what "love" is, are in tv, movies etc... so many of the movies I watch depict the crazy dependency thing as romantic... when they say I can't live without you, when they say I have loved you since the day I first saw you... and its that sort of thing.... i simultaneously am grossed out by and also feel like I'm secretly waiting for (not consciously of course).

In other news: if you want dirty funny lyrics in comedic rap form from a teenage....
watch the following video:

dreams and god

I dont know why that came out small.

I had a dream last night, I dont remember what was happening. I think I had it again later, or similar, Becky was not friendly to me in it. Many elements of destruction possibly death.

I been reminded today of the many forms of God and the ways in which he speaks to us.
"Homeless" man, Steve and books, music and painting.
Its 2:20 Im tired, and not. I might stay up all day. i might go to bed in 5.

What happens to you?

The man told me we gotta stop speaking of the past, if we ever want to be enlightened as a people.

As in we are not waiting for, and we have not been reaching for, but rather we are enlightening. (or in practice of)

im bored!!!!

I dont know why all those pictures turned sideways...


craigslist when you are already lonely... makes you feel like there are millions of single people just like you out there... and that none of you will ever find happiness.
ha!

Happiness ain't found because of a partner... it does help though doesn't it?


I think its funny so many people don't put pictures on. I also think its funny how many of them put really awful pictures on there. I guess some must think thats a good photo, others that it is a realistic photo, others that it is a photo that will cover up their real look... others that its the only photo they have at the time.
But blurry far away pictures don't send good signals.

This one girl emphasized how important it was to be attractive like 8 times in her little snippet... I cant say I always disagree but I felt like maybe if she spent more time thinking about more important things she might have found someone she liked by now.

Of course the actual age of most of the people I saw on there was between 19-28 and thats just a bunch of people like me complaining about nothing.

U gotta love the people that highlight their animals as being important, so important they put pictures of the dogs or cats on the page instead of a picture of themselves.


I'm going on this rant because i'm bored by the way, not cuz I actually care. Its only like my third time ever checking out craigslist.


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On an entirely different note, I always thought it would be really easy to write lyrics if someone just gave me some nice beats... but one of steve's friends apparently just made an album full of beats... and not a damn word is coming to my head.

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its 5:00 AM and practically bright out.

What do I want to say right now?

These songs just reminded me of Nikki.
When Nikki and I broke up so long ago I made a number of mistakes. I jabbed with truth, but it stung her like wrath and unjustified revenge. It was all online, it was passionate and awful.

But she got me into this cd. Counting Crows, all my lady friends have introduced me to good music. I remember being so young and surprisingly innocent even though I felt guiltier then -than I do now for my past. I've had time to make up for things, including the way I struck out at her.

Each memory and bit of knowledge was a curse and a sign to me of impending doom, and my caring (to me) meant protecting her from herself. And even more, protecting all of them from her. What a curse it was to me to know that someone I had trusted would take all that support and use it to cripple another. I'd seen it in others, in friends, in acquaintances. It was around that same time that I was neglecting my duties with pete, and when I confronted I confronted without confidence, but all the same I knew it was right.

I say this shit because there are times when I say something, and it may be wrong, but if it comes from a place of concern and caring... is it wrong?

Some of them admit that I wasn't out of line later. Most of em end up rejecting me. Its sort of funny in the really not funny at all category... how self assure we are when we head into our mistakes (all of us). Some of us just assume we will make them, so we try to warn others. Some of us don't believe we even have that power, so we are taken aback when someone says something.

but those are the people we can trust right? The ones who say something.

A few years ago my mom told me about someone she knew, their son had gone out drinking, his first time, he was underage. He wasn't even drunk; he hit a car and killed a family. He wanted badly to do whatever he could to make up for it. But he couldn't, ever.

Several of my friends are drug/alcohol addicts. I tend to be supportive of them, even when they are clearly hurting themselves, even though its against my rules (rule number one says dont hurt yourself, rule number two says dont hurt others... rule number two seems to be more important). I do say things sometimes... they know how I feel, so they avoid me when they want to act this way. That’s not the way I want it. I tell them I can drive them, I can stay sober if they want to be silly. But the moment they start seeing themselves and their fun as more important than the lives of others, they cross a line to me. It’s the same line, only a bit more dangerous and irresponsible as the other rule... the you don't hurt others rule. I been in that situation before, where I thought, yeah I could drive, it might even be fun.

I wish I could say that I was bold and strong enough to cut myself off from people with this type of behavior. But I know we all make mistakes... still if you look at who I trust, who I'm close to, it’s not those who risk others lives. It’s even hard for me to trust them when they have clearly changed, not so much to trust that they have changed, but to trust that they are not capable of doing the same or a different thing again, it’s nearly impossible.

Don’t make unhealthy behavior a habit. It makes you unreliable.

And of course keep me honest to this.

had a really good time last night hanging with jenny e and her friend nicole and michael a...
Hadn't seen any of them in quite a while.
Both Jen and Nicole do massage therapy stuff, they were talking about all these techniques that help heal people and the sort of life changing things they had seen. I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling that I had spent my life learning a lot of things that weren't necessary, meanwhile they were on some wonderful path. Of course I told them this, and they laughed at me and reassured me, but I really did feel very strongly about it. I guess its hard for me to simultaneously be a strong believer in other forms of medicine and yet having never had any experience with any of it, and certainly having no training, I cant really say I feel involved or a part of that world.
Four things I would like to know more about:
1) the world and its ways
2) some holistic (non biomed) healing
3) Indigenous beliefs about such.
4) the gay communities

The last two are harder because I don't have any sort of "in" nor do I feel that I can be a helpful part of either community without a lot of help and pity from those within. In the case of the first, often this is seen as sort of awful and selfishly motivated by the people. In the case of the second, its hard because I find my interactions with the gay communities to have been both positive and negative experiences. Often times people who have been hurt or struggle with society feel the need to prove that they are different, or push themselves away. I find this to be both understandable and hurtful to the overall picture. a friend of mine said recently that one of the reasons she is moving to ------ was to be around gay jews, something that I thought was interesting. She felt that she hadn't been as involved in either community as she would like, and felt somehow that these people would understand or relate to her more.

As a majority person, its hard for me to understand this need. Anywhere I go I am fairly accepted, or at least established... not necessarily "me" as a person, but me as a figure.
This identity has often been very upsetting for me in my life because clearly I am not always the typical white guy, but at the same time I cant necessarily dis-identify with this character because of course I not only benefit, but am very much a part of that society.

Anyway, I am a fairly open minded person, I try to be respectful, but that doesn't always mean good things come about. I will pursue these goals cautiously.

one thing I think is funny is that when I learn about the traditions of others, even if I believe them, I don't necessarily take part in them the same way. I often feel that that might be disrespectful. I have been invited to be part of events and ceremonies from other cultures and declined (probably not the right choice) because I didn't trust the other white people who were invited. Because I felt like to them it had no meaning and thus was a form of blasphemy. One thing I may have to get over (besides my defensiveness) is this very black and white (semi-western) idea that there is only one right way in a given situation. There is only one way to be respectful etc... those other white people felt that they were being respectful by participating regardless of whether they understood or not. Some people throw themselves in so as to try to understand... but like I said... I pursue my goals cautiously.

you know whats fun?

my life...

How about you?



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So I got a summer job at least. So thats cool... Everyone and their mom is telling me it will work out through the fall but I don't want to get my hopes up until thats confirmed.
So I wish I could tell you more, like what subject and what not... but I don't actually have any information yet except that it starts in about 3-4 weeks. Which I will spend probably freaking out and planning activities. Good times eh?


I witnessed something pretty silly today. In the long run it will go down as a minor event. But it seemed to take on epic proportions quick. I cannot say much more than that.

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The other day I saw a deer in the middle of the road that had just been hit by a car, and it was sort of sitting up, it seemed to be fairly tall, and then when I was driving by I noticed it was bleeding from the mouth. I couldn't tell what the look was. In hindsight I like to think that it went into shock and was not feeling any of it. I like to think that this deer understood a higher purpose. I like to think that I will write a novel about its noble sacrifice, but part of me worries that it was in agony and torment.

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I watched a movie last night called No End In Sight.
A documentary about the iraq war... made me pretty upset.
We have incompetent fools running the government.

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I was listening to that atmosphere song today called "lovelife." I think I realized around that time that I need to convince people that that is important. I always thought people were supposed to do that without thinking... But I noticed a few of my friends lately really arent enjoying their lives all that much. Sometimes it really is just a matter of saying "I love my life" and then thinking of all the wonderful things. If you arent doing this at least every once in a while... You should try to do it more often.

I keep pressing next on my itunes shuffle to find a song that fits my mood... and i like some of them... but they arent about this.

This is me being weird, but ok with it.

I took something like 400 pictures last night, and erased 135 this morning... the rest are eh.
I was overcome with beauty last night, and then got all types of overloaded, and then got all types of lonely, but not really lonely... just out of place.
I walked home under a beautiful moon, in a quiet dark blue town, and rapped angst to myself and enjoyed it.
Bullshitted with mike the rock so we could feel good about our choices, went to sleep and woke rejoicing. I dreamed of sinful things like excitement and attachment to someone new and different, while being eyed by those who wouldn't want me to be so freewheeling. It all took place in a mother's bed, and I felt like a child committing some secret crime. What was the crime?
I looked a woman I barely knew in the eye and made her smile. oh tragedy.

Speaking of which.
The past week or so I have been hearing all this strange gossip about this one girl. I have been hearing people's opinions, their dislike, their disdain. They are all "friends" of hers, but they really have no respect for her at all... and its sad. And I am more and more curious.
Sad.


to the last normal day of morris, probably end up at dons and make myself a larger mammal.

this is cool as shit.



In other news, Im 14 again.


Clarification asked for by two people on previous post. I was just saying I seem to not be responding to a lot of people on e mails and letters and things. While I was student teaching I was too busy to be a good friend all the time, but now i just seem to be lazy. I feel bad, but i havent done anything yet.

This is T-roy's kid, but some people were joking today that I might be pregnant... so thats what you get... a kid.


Dont ask me why I used this picture but one of the thoughts I had this weekend was that "When am I gonna find another love?" question...


Looking through pictures the last few days for school projects reminded me I have seen some sweet things and been to some amazing places... and that I should do that again some time because its beautiful.


If there was a 4th picture, it would be some sort of symbolic picture reminding me of someone who's picture would be taboo on here. I hate that sort of thing, I often want to put pictures of people up because I am thinking of them... and then I don't because what would it mean? what would I be saying? oh shit call the cops... I still obsess over the beautiful people I have loved...


Tomorrow I have presentation about how awesome I am as a teacher... its gonna suck. Hahaha

and before I go... (because clearly I am avoiding the necessary work)
I have been questioning how strongly I believe in my "no physical intimacy" rules a lot lately... not seriously question about anyone.. well rather questioning about everyone... because I realized the other day that it has been something like 20 months since I have even kissed anyone.

Word of warning to this post... extreme cheese writing (read bad rhyming).. like always... but just lettin you know.


Well its been a weekend, not sure what else to say.
Remind me to call this job tomorrow.
Tomorrow is also my presentation (last day of class) which I haven't finished working on yet.
There should be some sort of celebration after. Followed by a week of such.
Pretty soon I will return home, I'm sure I will think of Morris very fondly and of course the people here, but also I will be aware that I got what I came for and more. So it will be a fond parting... and then return to my room in my mom's house and become something else.

I'm thinking about how weird friendship is. I'm sure I am entering some new stage where friendship will not take its same form, and I worry, and I wonder, and I hope, and I move on because I have no choice... and I can hear it in their voices, and their eyes which look away too quickly, without pause and without anxiety, proving they haven't hidden anything away... just done with it all. Suggests I move on too, without said anxiety.
I feel sorry for the young ones, but am excited for them. Step up to your throne. Step up to receive the gift and horror of responsibility.

We step too with worried toes- testing the water, who first to swim?
We watch as those who have gone before us exhaust themselves treading and pleading for some plastic raft, a kick board, to make it all just a bit less harsh. How many years must I tread they ask? Or have you seen a better way?
Assured somewhere down the road that we will all be well.

Well I sadden at the loss of possibility, but to cling is to die, so lets give it a try.
You too with your cut and run, you too with your fly away, you too with your man, you too with the fiancée, you too with your bum, you too with the drugs, the fun, the flail and wail, the dedication to grass or suit or booze or cheer- far and fast to slow and near- to fulfill a need or breed some more, to anyone and everywhere and every dream that we could dare. I say damn straight we ready for it, dancing strong, fear in our eyes, see some holding close some cutting ties. and I's figurin we ain't doing nothing new, just walking forward with our untied shoes.
Unprepared, and loosely fittin, prepared to jump from the shoes in which this path is written. But my fortune cookie states it clear if you can get over the sappiness, an unexpected event will soon bring you some happiness.

Laurel is a really good writer. I wish it were easier to break into the literature world because she could easily write a million best sellers.
I am supposed to be writing papers.
One of them is a philosophy of education. I was enjoying mine until I realized it was probably not what they were looking for. I'm considering starting over, at the same time I'm pretty sure it is written with my voice and isn't that what its supposed to be about?

I am also only half way through another paper.

It is 3:38. I am doubtful and my neck aches.
There are these jobs I should really apply for today (deadline today) but instead I will probably hang out with my friends. When I am complaining about not having a job, money, a means to an end. remind me that I was the one who chose coborn's runs and friends over preparedness.
And then slap me for doubting that it was the right thing to do.
I love you.

I often tell people that I accidentally use rhyme and alliteration. Moments ago I was reading a draft of a paper thats due tomorrow and I noticed I used the word "struggle" and followed with the word "juggle" in the next line, well actually i used juggling, which wouldnt be a true rhyme... but there are only 3-4 words that rhyme with struggle, and there is really no reason I would use the word juggle in a paper... i haven't yet. I'm fairly sure I did this without thinking.
Thats for your mom.

Do you think the fact that tornado alley also makes up a significant part of the bible belt has any relation?

I imagine people who live in an area where everything they know and love could be taken in a minute would be much more likely to believe in some higher purpose, and believe not only that god exists but that god must have some sort of plan/demand.

I'm gonna have a hard time telling my kid there are no monsters under the bed.... I mean, I just learned to assume there was and sometimes I'd be too scared to check I'm sure.

Today was generally one of those days where I alternated from being totally in love with morris people, totally amazed and couldn't get enough... and totally estranged, and sometimes-not alternating but simultaneous feelings.

The sort of... thought of ... there are expectations here that I cant quite comprehend and I'm sure aren't truly directed at me... but what I would give to fulfill them... --at the same time... why am I being put in this position.

and it was all in my head... and everyone around me smiled and encouraged more than normal, and I knew it was really only me... but I guess my heart/head is trying to walk away while the other is reaching... and they just send mixed signals that make me feel awkward.

I hunch, I'm unsure of what my hands are doing. I'm aware of distance, personal space. I hear that my volume is too high, its too low, I'm not speaking clearly... what I say isn't having any effect, it isnt having the proper effect. I am loud, I sit up straight, I'm faking it, I'm not really here right now... none of this matters, Where are my hands? why do I feel cramped, I am warm. I am dirty, oily, grimy, I need touch. I really want a back rub. I am not that personal. People feel nice. They are warm. They have nice eyes and soft skin. Those boys are cute, those girls are gorgeous. They are all so skinny. I am wrapped in cloth, its thick, protective.

Everyone is drunk and why am I the loudest? Excitement.
You're obnoxious. You're worried about those girls. You miss that side of you that cared about people with real empathy. It feels good to feel, even pain.
You stopped doing that and just listened with your head, you know all the lines already... relating but only with memories, you don't feel it anymore.

What does betrayal feel like again? What does heartache feel like? What does jealousy feel like? What does distance feel like? What does regret feel like? remember! remember! remember!
You forget everything so easily... you have been through it, whats it like?
It doesn't matter to me anymore I'm too comfortable.

What does mourning, grieving, loss, missing feel like?
It feels like this.. then why are you happy?
loss...happy
happy... loss
too hard to separate right now.
alternating, simultaneous.

fuck it just talk about school bullshit. keep it shallow, keep it pc, keep it cool... play it cool...
is any of this real?
real connection?
you're not really here.
Just taking pictures.
you can remember with pictures.

keep it school bullshit.

I have this really bad habit of bringing up emotional memories when I am trying to do something important. It's like "wow I have this incredibly important and long paper I haven't started... oh I better read old love letters." or "oh geez I really need to get this application in before the deadline... I better go look at pictures of people I care about."

This girl I dated once called me childish when we broke up. I took offense at the time, but isn't it funny how we age and realize just how childish we were?
And every age feels like you are right. not necessarily because you are enjoying that age, not because you are happy or have a hold on reality... but because by comparison to what had come before...you were acting down right mature... and then after times passes... you realize mature would have meant never being at that point in the first place... but it also would have meant not having had so much fun. And you don't regret your childhood, you just see it as something you grew out of.
But I'm sure my Grampa and Grama see me as young and stupid and full of life and confusion- and I'm sure they are right. I just wish they would look in the mirror and see that they are too.

This series of photos taken at various times over the past 2 days shows my general moods.



Playful?
Staightforward
unsure...
kinda of concerned...and weird.

So I was just looking at my art work and I think I have a real problem with A) realism B) depth in my work. I think the "depth" if there is any comes from foreground and background only... nothing that sort of ranges...
I'm trying to figure out if this is
A) because I don't have any interest in painting the way other people paint.
B) because I lack the formal training to do good work.
C) because I don't use the right paints to create the effect... like oils for instance seem to be able to do things that acrylics cant... and I don't use oils (because I don't know how).
D) It might just be because I still see the paintings as works in progress, where as when I look at other people's work I see it as a picture of something... my work is "me trying to paint" and so I see it in the 2d format that I painted it on....
E) probably all of the above.

This makes me think I should take classes again. But my mind wanders so much I have a hard time painting real things, or drawing real things, I get bored... I move on, I mix images that fit or don't sometimes just because thats what I was thinking about. Anyway, it makes me pretty self conscious thinking of myself as an artist... I mean I am an artist, but I just looked at like 30 other artists and some of them were really amazing... I don't know how to do that. I would like to include more realistic things in my paintings and keep my weird anything goes style.

Facebook has this advertisement that has this picture with the words "ew. disgusting." and then some weightloss mumbo jumbo below it...
maybe its just me, but i thought that was rather offensive.