5 or 6 notes

1) A lot of the time people apologize when they wake me up. Truth is normally that I'm sleeping because I don't have anything else to do. So if you ever call and I am sleeping and you want to do something, normally thats a good reason to wake me.

2) My family is out of town today and I don't have any plans. I slept in till 4:00. I have no motivation to do anything really... but I'm not necessarily depressed. I just dont know what to do with myself. My goals were A) shower(check) B) brush teeth and comb hair (check) C) go get deodorant... D) make sure I am ready for work tomorrow.

3) Reading all these books on shamanism and religion and mystics and what not makes me want to try hallucinogens. A few days ago I stopped a kid while he was talking because he told me something along those lines. I didn't regret telling him, but I also wanted to tell him I understood what he was saying. So now I feel bad, because he felt guilty for telling me.

4) One of the people in the book I am reading said something about how hallucinogens are not for people who are seeking spiritual experiences but for those seeking sensory experiences (a different look at things)... I haven't really figured out which I am right now... because though I am feeling very strongly about spirituality and wanting to grow in it, I am also feeling very human right now. Very lacking in something, and it is these times when we seek a different view most often.

5) Four things I know I am not lacking in: family support, friends (if I would reach out), opportunities, ability
3 things I am lacking right now: companionship, awareness of stability, will

The free fall breeds anxiety for me. This has always been the case. Right now I am very in flux, and sometimes its really good, and others not bad (but not good)... and I have never liked roller coasters. So I guess I'm waiting for something to hit, or some plateau to reach.

6) "all the good times are on their way" jf says...
um one of the people in the book, was talking about how sometimes mystics and seekers, find god when they feel the most detached from him (this person was Jewish I think, but used a lot of Christian references). I was thinking of the music that has had the biggest impact on me, usually complex crazy multi layered pieces, usually having some tremendous buildup and climax, also usually having some sort of chaotic awful falls into something really depressing.
JF, Mars Volta, some of the more pop sounding bands I like have this with either a line that hits so hard that its impossible not to feel sad, or some wonderful jam in which everything seems beautiful... but beauty often comes from chaos I guess is part of it. Even the international music I listen to has this... I think its what causes my mom anxiety when she listens to it.
But that part is beautiful to me.
Anyway, I was noting this in music...
And also in spiritual instances I have had... Of course the ones that sustain me regularly are these chats that I have with people, or seeming them in their element... that sort of thing. But often then come with the person revealing something really hard. or displaying some sort of tenderness for those who have had something happen to them.
The other, the more traumatic ones, usually came after some horrible point where I was ready to give up on life altogether, and I pleaded with god to let me know there was something worth it, and suddenly it was. Not anything more than a feeling, no trippy visuals , no voices, no spirits... well maybe some spirit... but I was always alone and then suddenly not.
And you don't tempt something like that. You don't cry wolf. So that hasn't happened very often.
but sometimes I get glimpses of it praying, or singing, or painting.... or in talking to people... and thats that sustaining power.
Anyway... I thought it was interesting... for me... it really isn't always at my best that I am closest with god... or maybe its when I'm low that I notice the difference (which is what we call hell).

Whatever you are sick of me.
fuck it.