This is when Abby ate Julene's head, you remember that right?

This is when people played apples to apples

this is when jenna was in black and white... that one time

This is when lauren looked all rock starish

this is how mike always looks. ALWAYS

Today was generally one of those days where I alternated from being totally in love with morris people, totally amazed and couldn't get enough... and totally estranged, and sometimes-not alternating but simultaneous feelings.

The sort of... thought of ... there are expectations here that I cant quite comprehend and I'm sure aren't truly directed at me... but what I would give to fulfill them... --at the same time... why am I being put in this position.

and it was all in my head... and everyone around me smiled and encouraged more than normal, and I knew it was really only me... but I guess my heart/head is trying to walk away while the other is reaching... and they just send mixed signals that make me feel awkward.

I hunch, I'm unsure of what my hands are doing. I'm aware of distance, personal space. I hear that my volume is too high, its too low, I'm not speaking clearly... what I say isn't having any effect, it isnt having the proper effect. I am loud, I sit up straight, I'm faking it, I'm not really here right now... none of this matters, Where are my hands? why do I feel cramped, I am warm. I am dirty, oily, grimy, I need touch. I really want a back rub. I am not that personal. People feel nice. They are warm. They have nice eyes and soft skin. Those boys are cute, those girls are gorgeous. They are all so skinny. I am wrapped in cloth, its thick, protective.

Everyone is drunk and why am I the loudest? Excitement.
You're obnoxious. You're worried about those girls. You miss that side of you that cared about people with real empathy. It feels good to feel, even pain.
You stopped doing that and just listened with your head, you know all the lines already... relating but only with memories, you don't feel it anymore.

What does betrayal feel like again? What does heartache feel like? What does jealousy feel like? What does distance feel like? What does regret feel like? remember! remember! remember!
You forget everything so easily... you have been through it, whats it like?
It doesn't matter to me anymore I'm too comfortable.

What does mourning, grieving, loss, missing feel like?
It feels like this.. then why are you happy?
loss...happy
happy... loss
too hard to separate right now.
alternating, simultaneous.

fuck it just talk about school bullshit. keep it shallow, keep it pc, keep it cool... play it cool...
is any of this real?
real connection?
you're not really here.
Just taking pictures.
you can remember with pictures.

keep it school bullshit.

Well school is already kicking my ass. Only cuz I let it of course... Im frustrated because we are being forced to rewrite papers we wrote last semester, when I asked to clarify "rewrite" I was told to write a new paper and possibly use a few sentences from the old one here and there.
I spent a lot of time working on some of those papers and I still feel like they accurately portray who I am and what I have learned. I dont see why they can just be updated.

I am really enjoying my book on "Choice Theory" which I have to present next monday.

Its two weeks then a final presentation, then party till graduation. I dont have to worry about moving back because I barely have a car load of stuff. I am however living in someone else's room with their desk, bed, shelves etc. So if they decide to come back at any time for this stuff I am fairly screwed...
and she was a 2005 park grad... which is funny.

It is pretty great to be back in Morris, I remarked to Laurel that we look like adults... which is disturbing... she said that she was not a grown up... i didnt necessarily mean we acted liked adults... just that we looked like them now... not so much clothes and hair or anything... but just a sort of weird "adult-y" confidence or something.

I asked a friend this question during a session of "truth or truth" yesterday:
"What is the fetish you think you would most appreciate and the one you would most dislike? but then told her she couldn't tell us which was which.
I was sort of proud of that question in a weird way.

I don't think I would ever feel comfortable answering that in public (and being honest)... but she did a wonderful job of responding.

I ate at tmc twice today... I forgot how little morris has to offer foodwise... I have already eaten at Pizza hut, dons, joses, tmc, and gotten snacks from coborns and willie's.

I bought a new toothbrush cuz the other one fell on some really dirty floor... and then i dropped the new one in a sink that doesnt drain very well... this time i soaped it instead of being a consumer whore.

Who lives in hopkins and reads this? are you friendly?

Back in Morris, where yesterday and the day before it apparently snowed a goat load. Reconnected with a few cats last night with plenty more to follow I'm sure. Things change a lot but they still don't change.
I used to use that line in a negative way, but its nice to have a homecoming.
I'm paying rent for a room at Mike the Rock's.
It's funny to be at a place (all Morris student housing) where you can wake up from a night of drinking and be unsure if you are dizzy or if the floor is just uneven. Probably both.

There was a red yellow white and black centipede in my dream and it kept me from doing things people do.

I think i might have been too honest last night. But maybe not.
I got shit to do, but it will require several hours of me sitting here to wake up.