Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Today was generally one of those days where I alternated from being totally in love with morris people, totally amazed and couldn't get enough... and totally estranged, and sometimes-not alternating but simultaneous feelings.

The sort of... thought of ... there are expectations here that I cant quite comprehend and I'm sure aren't truly directed at me... but what I would give to fulfill them... --at the same time... why am I being put in this position.

and it was all in my head... and everyone around me smiled and encouraged more than normal, and I knew it was really only me... but I guess my heart/head is trying to walk away while the other is reaching... and they just send mixed signals that make me feel awkward.

I hunch, I'm unsure of what my hands are doing. I'm aware of distance, personal space. I hear that my volume is too high, its too low, I'm not speaking clearly... what I say isn't having any effect, it isnt having the proper effect. I am loud, I sit up straight, I'm faking it, I'm not really here right now... none of this matters, Where are my hands? why do I feel cramped, I am warm. I am dirty, oily, grimy, I need touch. I really want a back rub. I am not that personal. People feel nice. They are warm. They have nice eyes and soft skin. Those boys are cute, those girls are gorgeous. They are all so skinny. I am wrapped in cloth, its thick, protective.

Everyone is drunk and why am I the loudest? Excitement.
You're obnoxious. You're worried about those girls. You miss that side of you that cared about people with real empathy. It feels good to feel, even pain.
You stopped doing that and just listened with your head, you know all the lines already... relating but only with memories, you don't feel it anymore.

What does betrayal feel like again? What does heartache feel like? What does jealousy feel like? What does distance feel like? What does regret feel like? remember! remember! remember!
You forget everything so easily... you have been through it, whats it like?
It doesn't matter to me anymore I'm too comfortable.

What does mourning, grieving, loss, missing feel like?
It feels like this.. then why are you happy?
loss...happy
happy... loss
too hard to separate right now.
alternating, simultaneous.

fuck it just talk about school bullshit. keep it shallow, keep it pc, keep it cool... play it cool...
is any of this real?
real connection?
you're not really here.
Just taking pictures.
you can remember with pictures.

keep it school bullshit.