um mike ranting

I don't really know what I want to say, because of course most of this is the same old thoughts, but I hate having feelings and not expressing them. Especially when they are affecting my social interactions... whether the people notice or not.

Its weird to be in a new house with new people around. I have never known Morgan all that well. But I knew enough, and I heard more from the friends who he was closer with. I have always respected him, so yeah it seemed logical enough to move in. Travis is a nice guy. I like him, I like them, I like the people they bring over.
but its different. Its different to walk into a situation that isn't your scene, and try to fit. They all know each other through work connections etc. I'm the only one around with a "real" job, which mostly just means I am sleeping while they are socializing, and they are sleeping while I am at work (which I would be if I wasn't working). I like their routines their lives. It seems like a really nice system. They are able to have groups over because the people know each other.
I was thinking about inviting morris kids over for dinner. But then most of those kids would scatter to the wind again. My park friends don't hang in groups anymore... I have been doing the single friend at a time thing for a long time (in the cities). I'm pretty used to that.
What I was saying about the not knowing people thing is weird though, because every night I'm around them or their friends I feel like I make a complete ass out of myself... and they all accept me because they don't know any better. Which is totally cute. Which is very nice of them... but I'm used to having people respect my opinions and look to me for things... and they do not, because why would they? They got their thing down. So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know my place yet within this group. I'm treading and its pretty awkward... not awful, but I wish I had something to stand on.
Its been really nice seeing Jessica lately. Illy last week. I wish i could see them more, but they have lives and other stuff going on and its a lot to ask... especially when I know what I'm missing is like a partner.
I was thinking tonight that its not even the lack of girlfriend thats been getting to me lately. Its the go-to-person. I have always had a go to person, someone to call or write or hang with.
Sometimes its a few people at once, but someone to bounce ideas off of, share your day with etc.

I have a feeling the true reason people all get married at the same time (and then in a quick hurry) is because people realize they are gonna have a harder and harder time finding those friends.

I guess this past week or two, I have been really happy and excited to be starting this new life. But all of a sudden it hit me today that I don't have anyone to share it with. There are only so many times you can explain the basics to some people before you just stop because you know you aren't getting anywhere you know?

-this isn't to say that the conversations I have been having with people lately are shallow or not helpful... actually its some of those conversations that made me realize this. but its also hearing from those people and seeing that they are seeking the same thing in others (makes one notice how lonely they are in that department).
and thats one of the weird things about living in this house.

three young single guys, all doing fairly well... all reasonably desirable. all single, all seem to have more female friends than male, all seem to have a hard time getting in actual relationships rather than having several friends who provide those qualities.

So I hear from these guys about their prospective girlfriends, their dates, their disappointment when they realize a fling isn't going anywhere, or a friend with benefits will never be more...
and it reminds me that I'm not even actively looking.
my roommate has 5 dates in a week or two and I been sitting at home waiting for a friend to call.

this all started hitting me while eating chinese food.
this is my silly chinese zodiac thing
"Noble and chivalrous. Your friends will be lifelong, yet you are prone to marital strife."
(not that I believe this stuff) -of course the marital strife part got me.

Heres a longer one for fun:

The Boar

Boars are self-reliant, very sociable, dependable,and extremely determined. Boars are peace lovers and don't hold grudges. They hate arguments, tense situations, and try to bring both sides together. In life they make deep and long-lasting friendships. Boars enjoy social gatherings of all kinds, and look for parties to attend. In fact, Boars must watch themselves so that their incessant pursuit of pleasure doesn't interfere with other aspects of their lives. Boars belong to clubs and they make terrific fund raisers. They have a real knack for charity and social work. Boars always listen to problems. They won't mind getting involved and try to help. Boars have big hearts. A problem that Boars have is that they are too innocent and naive. Being honest and trustworthy themselves, they have a hard time understanding the motives of those with less scruples.

Boars do not dazzle or shimmer. They possess the old-fashioned chivalry that grows on you until you totally depend on it. It is so easy to trust Boars. They have a calm expression and a sincere manner. They are blessed with endurance and work steadily at tasks with great patience until completion.

Once Boars arrive at a decision nothing stops them. Of course, before they reach that decision they weigh all the pros and cons. They definitely want to avoid complications. Sometimes they ponder so long they miss the opportunity altogether. But never mind, Boars always believe in miracles, and miracles always happen to them. Fortune favors Boars. They always find someone to help them without having to beg.

In romance, if not careful, Boars may be taken advantage of. Boars trust everyone and believe everything they hear. They are unselfish and enjoy helping their friends. Although they are gullible, they are actually quite intelligent and know how to take care of their own. If you hurt their feelings, Boars often carry the pain for years. They have a hard time saying no to those of concern. Often they wish they had said no.

Boars will always be looking for ways to work off all their extra energy. They work and play hard. Even if they lose everything, Boars manage to bounce back. Their life path supply them with all they need. The Chinese believe Boars own the Horn of Plenty.

fiddle sticks and love?

Talked to mel on the phone. She seems alright, but we were talking about being single. I think both of us sort of rely on the it will come to us method... and in moments of doubt... well.
But I was watching Angelina Jolie movies and thinking about how hard it would be to love someone who acts for a living, because maybe the line wouldn't always be clear, of when they were performing and when they were real. As if there are such things.
I'm worried that my school wont offer enough mental challenge. At the same time, its probably the best fit I will ever find for me (at this point in life) and I really actually do hope they keep me on. Everyday I want to beg for it... but thats not professional.
I also want to move to the area because that seems like the place to be.
I also want to be closer to certain friends I have been losing touch with.
It's weird, Becky being away and having people over all the time and friends and stuff makes me realize I have neglected my other friends. At the same time I miss her even though she has been around, just different.

When I was in europe the second time... I was dating Alexis, but she was sort of seeing another guy. They were really just good friends, with crushes, as far as I knew... and I wasn't really jealous, or rather I was comfortably jealous... because I appreciated him and what they had...
and could see that it was good for her. When I returned she made a sort of joke about how she had kind of been dating someone... it stung a little, but I know I have had becky in that role for a long time now. Someone who you care about, who cares about you... it doesn't have to be a "real relationship" because there is love there.. There doesn't have to be physical intimacy, because you are content to have someone who knows you... and they can fill your days, and be your confidant, and a fellow adventurer and it doesn't have to be anymore than that... but it keeps you from looking for those things elsewhere. In Lex's case (with her friend) it seemed to have kept her loyal to me when she probably shouldn't have been. In my with case with becky it kept me on solid ground when I needed to assert myself in that relationship... but in lex's eyes kept us from going forward.
Recently Becky and my relationship has allowed me to be content and not search... but now she has someone, and she has a group of friends, and foreign travelers who come and go but add something to her life. And I should use this opportunity to find others.

Love is very tricky. I was telling mel that in all my relationships I was never really sure at all about anything. I moved forward because I liked the people and believed in them, and thought that because of that... we would work. But just because you care about someone doesn't mean they are right for you... and we call these "mistakes" but we don't regret them. We love them though they torment us. And the slightest bit of attention from them even today makes my heart jump and my smile show.

So we were complaining about how we don't know how to pursue. You can go places and join dating networks... but you don't believe that is for you. You put yourself out there now and then, but you don't make moves.

I tend to become friends with women, but in those first few days, weeks, months, I think about the possibility... until something happens and I realize that we would make much better friends. Leaving me with 10 or so new friendships a year (not that any of them were interested in more necessarily, but once the idea is gone its gone *for me).

I feel bad complaining, but in some sense I hope others who are single or in a relationship and know about these thoughts, fears, hopes, frustration... relate rather than judge.
Other friends have mentioned it a lot lately... its comforting to know we aren't alone... but because we are all in different arenas its hard to help each other out.

I often think its funny when people suggest that I should meet someone... because usually that sort of thing doesn't work very well... maybe when I'm 30. Speaking of which, a student remarked today that I looked 30... we agreed it was the facial hair... but if you look at those pictures I put up a few days ago.. its very obvious how much i have changed (at least to me).
But mostly I covet my former body. (which is funny, because I hated it at the time, like I hate mine now *sometimes)
but like Tim Minchin remarks in his song "Not Perfect" "this is my body and I live in it... the weirdest thing about it is, I spend so much time hating it, but it never says a bad word about me. This is my body and its fine... its not perfect, but its mine."


but back on topic. I also think its really strange how many different depictions of what "love" is, are in tv, movies etc... so many of the movies I watch depict the crazy dependency thing as romantic... when they say I can't live without you, when they say I have loved you since the day I first saw you... and its that sort of thing.... i simultaneously am grossed out by and also feel like I'm secretly waiting for (not consciously of course).

In other news: if you want dirty funny lyrics in comedic rap form from a teenage....
watch the following video:

This is T-roy's kid, but some people were joking today that I might be pregnant... so thats what you get... a kid.


Dont ask me why I used this picture but one of the thoughts I had this weekend was that "When am I gonna find another love?" question...


Looking through pictures the last few days for school projects reminded me I have seen some sweet things and been to some amazing places... and that I should do that again some time because its beautiful.


If there was a 4th picture, it would be some sort of symbolic picture reminding me of someone who's picture would be taboo on here. I hate that sort of thing, I often want to put pictures of people up because I am thinking of them... and then I don't because what would it mean? what would I be saying? oh shit call the cops... I still obsess over the beautiful people I have loved...


Tomorrow I have presentation about how awesome I am as a teacher... its gonna suck. Hahaha

and before I go... (because clearly I am avoiding the necessary work)
I have been questioning how strongly I believe in my "no physical intimacy" rules a lot lately... not seriously question about anyone.. well rather questioning about everyone... because I realized the other day that it has been something like 20 months since I have even kissed anyone.