I spent most of the weekend in a training. The training is about supporting people in resourcing their self when experiencing dissociation, and it is hilarious to me how much of the time in the training I feel like dissociating. Part of that is because I am bored. Part of that is because there are things going on in my mind, and when I am not in a clear role and don't have a lot to do, I internalize. So I might spend an hour waking up and being irritable, and then an hour or two being a good engaged student, and then another hour being restless and struggling with whatever is happening internally. Or trying not to be reactive to whatever is happening externally.
15 hours is a long time to be in a situation in which stuff is taught like its brand new (because it is for some). For me, so much of this training and the way I already work with people is already present, that it just feels like someone reinforcing you... hour after hour. And there is this desire not to bring up questions that might get the trainers off track telling stories, and this desire to not ask a question that is too leading or too early (oh we'll get to that in week three). So I just kind of sit there getting restless.
The part that is the most helpful is the small groups. But I have two fairly likeminded people in my small group and everyone brings good stuff. They are both queer trans identifying and 10-15 years younger than me, so its a weird thing where I am going through my trauma/ocd stuff but also the oldest... and I am very knowledgeable, but they are super knowledgeable about their roles and training... so it ends up being an excellent 30 minutes or whatever, but then we are back to 4-5 more hours.
I felt like the trainers were struggling more this weekend with their own desire to be seen and hear. One of them's voice kept quivering on and off and she seemed like she was going through some stuff. The other kept barging in and giving long examples. At one point they both were telling stories of people they have worked with who have had serious trauma, and it felt a little like they were doing the thing that they were teaching against, falling into the trauma/problem oriented stuff because they were still wrestling with the suffering of others. Not to blame them, but it just felt like -oooh that's why you are teaching this... And I suppose I've done the same a million times... but it felt weird that they were carving out time for their own stuff rather than making more room for the students to process their own stuff... I guess. The whole weekend seemed to be that they were telling people there isn't a right way, we have some guiding principles... and then not necessarily being able to follow their own principles at times.
When I first started taking the training a month ago, I was considering whether I could get trained up to teach it. I know the information... seems easy enough to just jump in and present it from a different paradigm. To some extent that idea was holding me through the boredom. But I think this weekend reinforced that these people won't be my saviors or mentors either. They are just people. They don't have a magical way forward.
Today introduced two things that I've thought about before, but were explicitly important for me today.
1) Just the general idea of -if you were free and not living out of your programming right now, how would you think/respond/act etc.
2) When facing things, try to consider a third option so you don't automatically go into dual thinking, good bad, right wrong.
Since Friday's little episode, I've been struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do with these ways my mind still works. I laughed out loud this morning when I checked the stove before leaving even though it isn't a gas stove and also that has never been a compulsion of mine (except in the moment). It just seemed hilarious that I was doing one of the stereotypical OCD things without even meaning to. But today in the training I was trying to sus out and argue in my head whether I should label something trauma or OCD, and one of my small group members who is currently getting trained in the ERP (exposure and response prevention) the gold standard for OCD treatment was able to name a bunch of things that I was just like -yeah that see that is what I am dealing with! but my therapist had said something last week that made it seem like she just saw it a trauma response. But I am like... uh its both?
The thing about the episode on friday is that I am actually dealing with something that I don't talk about with people -that I did really do. I did something bad, and its been weighing on me for decades, and it reinforces this belief that I had already been experiencing and that was driving me nuts, and I am just trying to figure out if I can go on living without naming and taking responsibility for these behaviors or if I need to work through them and take responsibility -even if there are consequences in order to be free of the larger set of circumstances... does that make sense?
Its kind of like:
I thought A already proved B(bad), but I was mistaken. Then I did C which does indicate B, so B felt even more confirmed. Then I found out A wasn't real, but I'd already done C. So can I let go of B?
Prior to C, I had already committed myself to D which would indicate notB. But when I realized C and B I doubled down... it was like DD but that ended up hurting me. And now I am trying to tell myself you don't need to be DD and A doesn't equal B, but C is still impacting -so you maybe have to take responsibility for C and deal with the consequences if that means B.
The problem is that A still comes up and tells me B... like Friday. So it kind of feels like I am just adding consequences to the misery fire.
So like... what would it mean to feel free?
I am tempted to do a big brainstorm on paper, or write a letter, or something.
I keep playing out conversations in my head with my therapist, wondering if I can trust her in being capable of holding compassion, and non judgement towards me -knowing well enough that I will be judging myself through the whole thing. I think about how I approach clients who have shared difficult times of compulsive behavior or moral injury -actions they have taken that they feel awful about and that go against their morals. I trust them. I believe they are sorry. I don't need to question them...
Part of what A did so long ago, is that it convinced me there is no space for that in my life and that I needed to hide who I was in order to not be perceived as B. This is the part my therapist would say was based in trauma, even if the reinforcement mechanism was OCD. She'd say you learned to present yourself one way so that you could stay in relationship, because you were afraid you wouldn't get your needs met otherwise.
The thing that is hard about that is that A become a series of things that she doesn't necessarily believe in -meaning like religious beliefs and compulsions... so when I say these things, her programming is already judgy towards it. Not me, but it. So I have to hold space for my truth -which is that it was important to me, even if it wasn't helpful all the time... because it still is.
Anyway... my therapist holds a lot of compassion for me... but I don't fully trust her. So I keep having convos with her in my head trying to prove, trying to test, trying to figure out how I can tell her -to not be judged. Because if I am judged... I am not sure I know how to recover.
So I saw both parents this weekend.
I walked the lake with my dad and we mostly talked about non personal things.
My brother apparently had to go to urgent care or the ER thinking he was poisoned or something, but is on antibiotics and expected to get better. My Dad says he has a skin condition that can sometimes indicate liver disease or cancer, but doesn't really want to do a colonoscopy. -part of me wonders if he is more sick because we have been fighting (when I went to Europe the first time he lost like 30 lbs).
I went to a crappy solidarity protest no kings thing yesterday. I've been annoyed that there isn't more active resistance going on. But I think people are basically feeling like MN is on the same page and going to vote in all the Dems and then everything will go back to normal... which is stupid.
I did a lot of distracting/avoiding. I didn't clean the carpet. Didn't clean the windows or the mirrors. Didn't read. Barely journaled. Didn't do anything creative. Took a nap from 4:30-8 today.
I am mostly prepared for the week -which doesn't look too hard. I have this dental surgery thing on Thursday that I am not looking forward to.
A number of things this coming weekend, hoping to get some books in the mail for the book club next Sunday.
Time goes by and things mostly stay the same.
I keep wondering how stuff could change if I don't invest or try new things, while also feeling (lately) very avoidant of investing or trying new things.
Magical thinking, waiting for someone to pluck me.
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