dreams and god

I dont know why that came out small.

I had a dream last night, I dont remember what was happening. I think I had it again later, or similar, Becky was not friendly to me in it. Many elements of destruction possibly death.

I been reminded today of the many forms of God and the ways in which he speaks to us.
"Homeless" man, Steve and books, music and painting.
Its 2:20 Im tired, and not. I might stay up all day. i might go to bed in 5.

What happens to you?

The man told me we gotta stop speaking of the past, if we ever want to be enlightened as a people.

As in we are not waiting for, and we have not been reaching for, but rather we are enlightening. (or in practice of)

life feels less complete

I was going through pictures. They reminded me of places I had visited and events I had participated in... scenes I had watched unfold. The first few were cracked, it seemed odd, I wanted to call the company that had developed them. but I kept going through the large stack, the next set were from some camping trip. The people seemed happy, I felt like I recognized them.. then some nature shots. They were gorgeous! I started making plans to win contests with these amazing photos. The tree, that amazing tree. The sunset on the swamp water. And then back to friends. Warmth. It continued like this. It seemed these events were recent, they were important.
I woke from this dream and thought about it... just when did any of this happen? and none of it did. But I recognized those photos, I recognized the people and locations. I loved them.
and now I'm sad.

I keep pressing next on my itunes shuffle to find a song that fits my mood... and i like some of them... but they arent about this.

This is me being weird, but ok with it.

I took something like 400 pictures last night, and erased 135 this morning... the rest are eh.
I was overcome with beauty last night, and then got all types of overloaded, and then got all types of lonely, but not really lonely... just out of place.
I walked home under a beautiful moon, in a quiet dark blue town, and rapped angst to myself and enjoyed it.
Bullshitted with mike the rock so we could feel good about our choices, went to sleep and woke rejoicing. I dreamed of sinful things like excitement and attachment to someone new and different, while being eyed by those who wouldn't want me to be so freewheeling. It all took place in a mother's bed, and I felt like a child committing some secret crime. What was the crime?
I looked a woman I barely knew in the eye and made her smile. oh tragedy.

Speaking of which.
The past week or so I have been hearing all this strange gossip about this one girl. I have been hearing people's opinions, their dislike, their disdain. They are all "friends" of hers, but they really have no respect for her at all... and its sad. And I am more and more curious.
Sad.


to the last normal day of morris, probably end up at dons and make myself a larger mammal.

I think James used to call her "Miss Nicole," anyway... whenever shes in my dreams there is always a strange distanced feeling, even though I usually don't notice it till I'm halfway to hugging her.

Thats the way of things.
I'm pretty sure my dreams are real sometimes, and she looked really nice and happy.

I went to bed at like 9:30 and woke up at like 12:00 PM... thats forever. but I woke at like 12:00, 3, 8, 10 and convinced myself I could sleep more. Partially because I knew I would be bored if I woke, partially because I really enjoy dreaming.

So last nights dreams were kind of weird... because the plot changed like every few minutes and my mind was definitely trying to keep up. The second to last major scenario had me wandering around a house while everyone was sleeping... it was a large house, I couldn't sleep and rather than do things I shouldn't... I went to find something to do. I was for some reason completely naked, but with a blanket... I checked to see if anyone was awake... the house was not familiar but it seemed like I understood the layout well enough to navigate, check my e mail etc. Eventually I went back to the original room I was in, which looked sort of like my grampa's living room, only the exercise bike was on the wrong side, and in stead of two lounge chairs in the doorway there was a big king size bed.
On this bed seemed to be a girl who was crying and turned out to be awake... I kneeled on the floor and asked her what was up. She sort of turned away for a second so I went back to where I was sleeping. She then started talking to me, but not loudly enough... so I approached again.. which was uncomfortable because I was still naked under the blanket.. which I of course told her because I do that sort of thing.
I recognized who it was. It was this girl I knew in high school... she was like 2-3 years older than me, and in 9th grade I thought she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
She seemed a lot more frail now, less confident (crying) but shy too.. She said something about being in the middle of the final section of trying to prove she would be a good counselor... and she was super stressed and wanted to die.. and she meant it. I didn't know what to say... instinctively I knew that this girl was worth more than she said... but I didn't know her well enough to give specifics. I wanted to hug her, anything to make the truth in her words seem just a little less certain. (the truth being she actually felt that bad).
I stumbled over words for a while, but it was ok, because I was rubbing her back and she was venting, but not about the job... about how miserable she was, friends, family, work, boyfriend. The boyfriend part was something I was expecting -but somehow hurt... because of course I was hoping.
She was so close, and warm, so frail... I just wanted to make her feel better.
eventually her sister came over. Her sister is younger than me... but the moment she got there the girl jumped into her arms... and complained about how she didn't have any friends.
I raised my hand timidly.
She gave me thanking eyes and a half smile... the smile is what made me like her in 9th grade... she smiled at me.. genuinely when she didn't need to.

The next portion of the dream was weird, a new scene entirely.
I was a man, a real man... I was a stranger to her family... somehow trying to get on their good side... making wood doors.. helping the kid brother with projects. I was a big guy, the girl was in trouble, she didn't seem to be pulling away, maybe her boyfriend, I watched as my character punched the guy, it wasn't the girl, it was her sister and her teacher, she was 13 he was 20... he ran. The dad gave me a wad of cash for this display eventually... but immediately it wasn't clear that I had done the right thing.
My character was on edge. Always, trying to prove he was safe. He watched them... the girl and her boyfriend, it was like in the movies... he was waiting for his moment... I was on edge watching this "me" not being me at all... it was horrible.
Eventually we were back in that room... the room like my gramps... I was on the bed, facing the rest of them... it was like a party. the dad handed me the cash. The girl was upset... she was telling me and her sister why she wasn't good enough. it suddenly hit me I needed to tell her how in love with her I was... not because I wanted her, but just because she needed to know she had affected someone positively. But I couldn't remember her name, her sisters name, her family... who were they? why was I here? I couldn't remember anything... I kept asking questions holding on to whatever was left in my head... but it faded. I ran to the computer to facebook her to find out if she was real.. she was real... but she wasn't on facebook... there was a line for the computer they were waiting for me to leave.
I gave up.. but no one noticed.

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The last dream was too random to write down... something about driving and needing cash and supplies...
Im always on these weird road trips in cities I have never been to. Malls and schools I have never seen, houses that dont make sense.. These places seem familiar but also have a hint of me feeling lost in all of them.

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Dream analysis is hard with that one... because I have hints of several people. I was talking to Rachel yesterday for about 4 hours about how life sucked... and some of it was probably triggered by that.
I think its interesting how I equate thin people with being vulnerable in my subconscious. I really don't get the whole time I was in the role of the big guy guy... it seemed really weird.. he was doing all these things I would never do... but they seemed to be the "right" things to do.
and even when they weren't... they were the right things for him to do, so no one cared.
There is a lot of splintered self images in the dream... lots of yin/yang imagery. Oh well.
I'm just writing this for me... for later.
a new post later probably.