seattle night

I started writing a few hours ago, it was really dry so I stopped.

I feel fairly uncreative, though rather inspired.

There is nothing like traveling to get me into new space (hehe).

Melissa is studying for a few more minutes so can I say...

I find the people more beautiful, the steps easier to take, the stories more scrumptious.

I find the time to center, to breathe as the monk says, breathe in and know I am breathing in.

I find the music lifting, tugging, 

I find the coffee irresistible, and the beds launch me from sleep to wakefulness like catapults, slam me into new days.

I find my old notions easily melt away, castle walls fallen, but my connections do not, sometimes they become even more accented, the stories and conversations come to mind while I walk, while I read, while I look at the sky I see eyes and lips and smell scents long forgotten.

I crave more, yet often feel fulfilled. 

I desire more, yet feel contented to enjoy new moments.

I recognize things I've forgotten, painful moments, joyful moments, astonished moments, they all flow in and out... 

but I do not feel creative, I feel like a passenger on a vessel that is dancing, I feel like the smell on the wind dispersing in the nostrils of many, scattering into various memories, pulled a thousand directions, I feel like the touch of lovers, intentional, nervous, sensual, longing.

I feel, that's it, I feel it all and can't peg any of it down long enough to call it an argument. Its not logic, but listful, and as such hard to believe in at all.

Hard to know what will come of this...

this is the first post in weeks...    

hope it was vaguely satisfying

4.2.12

My computer says it is 9:25 and its wrong, because I am in Seattle.
I have been hanging with Melissa, and may see Gabs tonight or tomorrow before heading back east.
This trip has been really nice, but exhausting as well.

It started last Wednesday after a full day of work, and more than a few smiles and hugs from Victoria saying she would miss me. Its hard to say how much I appreciate that, though I wouldn't necessarily feel all that comfy telling her.  Its just nice to see someone who has passion, its nice to feel it directed at you in the positive way.

I met up with Steve who took me to the airport and met Ben from SoT. We talked about school and politics and then set out to Chicago.
In Chi town he told me about the local foods that he adored (he went to college there) and we snacked. Then we boarded a flight for Portland.

Tight seats, but we chatted with one of his seat mates, and scanned through the readings assigned to us for the conference.  With little sleep, at something like 11:30 West coast time, we headed to our hotel which was an old middle school that had been redesigned and was basically the coolest thing in the world.  I spent another two hours awake with thoughts and we woke up for a breakfast with our main contact Meagan, who reminds me of a cross between Andrea and Lyda.  Meagan told us just a bit about the conference and confirmed our suspicion that we were walking into an amateur show and would be on display. We volunteered to try to sway the conversations towards things that would help her, since part of this whole conference is to work to get progressive churches some cash and make a splash on the ELCA.

Well... the first day was pretty uneventful, very similar in design to a stripped down version of weeklong training. That night we had dinner as a collective and the local bishop gave a bit of a sermon on how the Eucharist relates to the economy.
It was a good sermon, which was followed by everyone giving communion to each other, a ceremony that was really beautiful except that i am not sure about taking communion anymore, and Ben being Jewish didn't feel comfortable taking part.

The next day got a little more into the purpose of the conference, but not too in depth.
That night I decided to explore Portland a little and since we had to change hotels it worked out perfectly as the new hotel was much closer to the city center.

I walked down from Lloyd center over the steel bridge into downtown. Porland's downtown is full of these tiny little blocks that make you feel like you can fly by how fast they go by. I first explored the remnants of the china town (where I would later meet Ryan for lunch), then up and down some of the main blocks, stopping to take a few pictures and read a few signs.
I stopped into a Baskin Robbins for a single scoop of Daiquiri Ice on a sugar cone. Then continued walking in and out of the blocks, while checking in occasionally with Melissa who I was to meet up with in Pearl District.

Congrats miss
I don't know what to say, I hope life is what you wanted it to be.
I hope people made you smile, laugh, feel loved, and stopped playing laser tag when you asked them to.

saturDAY

I was nervous particularly on the one issue, how do you ask people if they want coffee sleeves?
Flyering I had done... several times over the past few weeks. I was pretty clear on what was expected, I could envision each message board, or stack of flyers where I would make my attachment or drop, but asking about coffee sleeves meant conversation, meant interaction with busy baristas.

Turns out its pretty easy to get people to take free shit.  I had no refusals. I even got the slight whiff of excitement. "Marriage Equality we are for."  "Sure we'll take them, we don't even have coffee sleeves" "Free? awesome (points to stack of coffee sleeves)".

This time around was easy, I don't know why I had been dreading it so much.
I guess because I don't know if its doing anything real... sure the people we know are seeing the message, but does it excite people? Will they respond?

The event is Mar 18th. 8 days till we find out what we are capable of the first time around. We set a ambitious goal of 200, we are wondering about 60 at this point.
Grant just got a job with MUAF so that means he can get out the word in a variety of new ways, but may not be able to promote us in the same way.

I am officially going to Portland at the end of the month to learn about other progressive congregations and share ideas. I may jump up to Seattle to see Gabs and Mel.  I could use the break, the freedom of travel, the ideas that come when all you have going is time to think. The time to reflect on what it is to just exist in a space and let time move.

I think my heart has been hurting because we are coming up on Spring Break.
I spent last year running out to England to get my freedom on, to reassure Becky that she was okay.
Turns out she is, without me. 
I have really good memories of that trip. It still means a lot to me, but now I feel this huge loss when I think about it.  I guess sometimes disappointment and rejection feel the same to me.  I am disappointed.   I feel like I love this person but hate the way they live their life, maybe I am just bitter...
When my heart hurts sometimes its hard to get my mind straight. Its like this cloudy substance that keeps me from seeing anything clearly. I have been really annoyed with that because its the exact time I need to be more clear... I have two giant projects that I call my livelihood.
I have friends who have needs. I have needs and desires that I can't quite explain or ask help with.

It's Steve's 26th birthday. He just told me he has been on medical leave for 2 weeks and that he wants to leave the state. I told him to leave the country... go find something real.
I haven't really checked in with him since we went to Denny's months ago.

Its funny to hear he is in a similar place, I am so attached yet feel kind of lost, he is unattached and feels lost.

That's some perspective for ya. 

The music at this coffee shop is annoyingly loud, makes it hard to think. I like it sometimes though... how annoying



WHEN I got here I was thinking about how lost I am. I started reading the Deepak Chopra book and started feeling more centered and then wondered if I was really lost or just feeling that way because I was dwelling on the things that were slightly out of reach. Trying to control everything. Then I wrote some notes and felt better
A list of things I want to do this week, a schedule of the days, a list of names of people I want to invite to the event on the 18th. I want to write another thing, something more comprehensive about all the things I know are going on right now. So I can get them out of my brain, and onto something to see. A quick reference guide instead of a dwelling or intuition that I can't shake.



I don't know what else to say... this is the funniest new show I have discovered.

no one believed him

Listening to first aid kit. I never really liked them other than the one cover, and then I heard them on the radio recently and thought "damn I love this band"  and that is how I discover music these days... music that everyone else discovered like 10 years ago and told me about... and then it takes me all this time to realize I like it.

I was having coffee with someone tonight and she kept challenging my points, and I knew that it was out of her desire to get me to see how great things were, and because my cynicism was pointing in the way of the things she spends her life doing, but it felt weird to be challenged and with such clarity that it made my entire idea fall apart.

That's how I feel lately. Like I can't clarify my ideas and other people can outargue me. 

But it was actually kind of nice to have someone so defiant and well-spoken challenge my pessimism. It made me feel out of touch, but sort of gave me a lot of hope to see someone passionate.

I may have gotten my reassurance today when that same individual walked up to and hugged/chatted with a former student(one of my favorite former students). They had canvassed together and it made me realize that the right people meet the right people and things are good. 

I haven't been convinced myself tonight... but I think that was supposed to be a sign.

I am worried about work. 

I fear that we have reached some scary point of no return. 

Its hard to put that fear into words, but it permeates the atmosphere sometimes, people are tense and ready to snap. 

My friend told me tonight that it sounded like I was trying to "save" my students...

I didn't want to admit it, but I think there is something to that again.

I think I have been caught up in the whole, if I don't do it, it won't get done... in SoT, in work and with the students... like I have to get them to think before its too late!

Over last winter break I had to repeat to myself over and over that it isn't my responsibility to save these organizations... that if they aren't sustainable, and we can't collectively find a way to make them that way, then its not my fault if they fail.

But its hard when you see things falling apart and you watch the people you care about stumbling for falling dishes and they catch a few, but a few shatter on the floor and you watch them cringe in pain as they step on broken fragments, and you can't help but reach for a few too many plates yourself,  few too many steps and suddenly you too are a bloody mess.

I might be going to Portland for a few days... maybe hit up Seattle too.

My coworkers make a lot of jokes lately about the women they think I am destined to marry.

Its this cute joke, that makes me feel simultaneously sort of embarrassed and super happy.

So far the list includes one of our student's mothers (who I have to call a lot due to behavior issues)

and this lady (a done deal once I get a plane ticket),  as well as any random they see me look at, like the waitress at the restaurant we went to a week or two ago (who I was looking at because I was worried she was going to get sauce all over my food).  The embarrassment comes from the obvious fact that they have known me for years and I have almost never mentioned anything romantic (because I haven't really had anything). The happy part comes from the idea that they make it seem like they have full confidence that if I just went down to Chile or had the right run in, it would be as simple as that. Like they make it seem like it would be really easy if I actually tried. Like I am loveable, like its only a matter of my intention.  There is something really reassuring there... though I know they don't have the full story... its nice to believe they have that kind of faith in me, even if it is a joke. 

Tomorrow we start evals. I didn't get what I wanted to accomplish tonight done... but I got what I needed done.  Maybe tomorrow I can give it another try. 

Goodnight 

This song cracks me up (Its a revised version of another of his songs, specially made for the election cycle, almost completely new lyrics).

so many great lines, but I really enjoy the

"He got a flat tire, cuz of gay marriage
Brett Favre retired cuz of gay marriage"

Dreams and Dreams

First off this

What do you think?

I love the idea, but even if it doesn't work, you gotta give it up for the inspiring videography.

Second:  my Cat is a pig, the one cat just ate both the cats' food.

Third:

I went to bed asking for reassurance that I was on the right path.

This is my dream.

I pull up to a white house that strangely has an overhang like a drop off spot for people... I am driving a dirty white car and it is clear that I have been driving for a long time.

I get out of the car with a few bags and a lot of nervousness, wonder what the hell I am doing here. Worry that I am overstepping some boundaries.

At this point I am alone, but later I seem to have a companion at times. 

I wait at the door, and two people show up, one is Lex, she is frazzled and not happy to see me. The other is her fiance, who looks nothing like her real life fiance, but rather more like a movie star. She is upset, but allows me to speak. 

I say something to the effect of "I have traveled all this way to try to make it up to you, the least you can do is let me stay a few days." 

There doesn't seem to be much open resistance, but there is almost no welcoming on either of their faces. 

He seems annoyed, but well mannered enough to try to make the best of the situation. She seems cold, and gives me a look like "stay out of my way."

The house is big enough.

I am not sure how long I am there, but there is a noticeable recognition that I must return home to work within a few days.  I seem to be anxious that the point of my visit won't occur, until right before I leave, but I don't generally seem to be trying anything out but entertaining myself.

The house fills up. Over the few days I am there, there are more and more house guests of all manner. People don't seem to be in any particular hurry, they have no mission, they want to enjoy themselves, and don't really care what else is going on.

Throughout my time there I see in crowded rooms, Alexis giving me looks of frustration, followed by her exit. As if she doesn't want to make a scene. Her fiance on the other hand, warms up to me. We pal around with the other guests, at one point I feel like he is my main but very friendly competition in a giant game of laser tag that is being played in and around the guests (with them as obstacles). 

The conclusion never occurs. I wake up

I don't think this dream offered any kind of reassurance. Neither did any of the dreams that followed. I guess I was looking for reassurance on two levels:
A) Am I doing the right thing with my life? am I on the right path?
B) Will I find the sort of romantic relationship I want to find if I stay on this path?

The other dreams have all been frustrating and somewhat negative. 
I gave Illy an example of a dream in which I was eating  a single slice of pizza (something I desire a whole lot but also fear to a great extent).  I was eating this slice of pizza while listening to someone tell in great detail of a mutual acquaintance who went in to fits of hysterics while eating pizza, because he realized that it was killing him. He got angry, almost violent, and then suddenly his organs seized up and he went into a coma.  I listened to this story, remembered the last time I had a significant amount of dairy which resulted in me becoming violently ill, and took another bite.  
It was like I had a choice but couldn't fathom not eating the pizza. Like I had already resigned to the horrible end I would come to even though I was being warned, even though it wasn't too late... it felt like it was. 

I am not sure exactly what that means. For the most part in my day I am optimistic, but facing huge problems in all of the work that I do. I look for reassurance and find confusion, chaos and feelings of powerlessness in the face of obvious self destruction. 

But I don't feel like I am on the wrong track... I just wonder if maybe it is supposed to be easier... or feel more pleasurable... or if there is supposed to be more reassurance imbedded. 

oh well 

relish

I have over 2000 posts

Last night Illy said something like "Yeah, cuz you're the only one in the world that thinks things."

Shultz  and the cats woke me up asking about movies and food, respectively.

Today I play Diplomacy

Right now I am listening to Joanna Newsom

Two things on Tumblr make me LOL this morning... one of them was this tidbit of hilarity

"I’m so proud of her for producing this book from her brain and I think a lot of you will really relish in it. On account of most of you are hot dogs. The rest of you will think it is neat on a human level."

The other was a woman named roseellendix who is a very vulgar british lesbian college student. 

Today we have a potluck at SoT, followed by a marriage campaign meeting, followed by diplomacy,  none of which I have followed through on to the extent I was expected. 

It is 8:43 AM

We spent a lot of last night talking about marriage and relationships. I wonder what we would have talked about if it had been a group of guys instead of women. 

3 more days of class until evals *finals

14 days until the mar 18 event that we have been working on for a few months... no idea how many people will actually come. 

It might be a mistake to be writing right now... after all I am pretty tired and maybe that is the point.  These last few days I have been feeling increasingly anxious, a little paranoid, quite self conscious.

Last week I stopped listening to sleep hypnosis videos while going to sleep and almost instantly started having issues sleeping again. Unable to fall asleep, too many thoughts  and when I do fall asleep I toss and turn till 2-3 in the morning, sometimes later, feeling like I am in and out of sleep, with relatively no actual regeneration... I wake up exhausted, sometimes feeling worse than when I went to sleep and so very often I head to work crabby.
During this same time period I stopped some bad habits that I also use the computer for, because my computer was broken and my sex drive was pretty nil, and I was worried about my anatomy, and I was stressed about work.
It seemed the perfect opportunity to get rid of this thing that has been bothering me for so long.

Over the weekend I got sick, so I was taking nyquil, and though I tossed and turned, at least it sort of knocked me out.

I took my computer in to be fixed or at least save the data...
I always get paranoid when I do this, because although there is nothing "saved" to my computer that would in any way jeopardize my social standing, I have it on good authority that basically any computer keeps a record of all files that it has gone through, and I can't say that I am exactly innocent in my habits.

I have no idea what a person could find in the thousands of hours I have spent online looking around... I feel it could be rather hazardous to a person's health, it has been to mine, and I imagine that many a person would be rather hostile towards some of it.

That being said... I don't think that is the only reason I am feeling paranoid.

There is something about cutting off access to the normal patterns, whether it be the cartoon websites I visit every day, or the vast quantities of resources I have gathered for school... or the silly things like the link to my okcupid page...  Its not a real separation, but separation from the comforts and security of the norm.
Its not sitting in my room all night long...

and more.

Tearful I get through the day,
The awful topic of sexual assault/abuse/rape is the curriculum theme of the week at work -so its a reading here a reading there and certain lines set me off. Last night I was actually thankful when I realized the students would be reading the piece out loud and not me, because I have already broken down in front of them in the past few weeks and that didn't even quite hit so close to home.
I thought I saw Aimee today. I thought I had written that relationship off, but almost instantly my heart hurt, I wanted to turn my car around and chase her. I wanted to know how she spends her time, and feel the presence I once felt before she became so wounded...
But its also the longing... I long to feel the things I once felt, the closeness I have felt in love relationships past... its been years.  and I am sad that I don't know how to open myself up to possibilities anymore. and I just miss them...
I miss the easiness of melting into someone, of wanting to be good for them instead of for myself, I miss romantic intimacy, and I miss their personalities, jokes, stories, excitement, songs.
I miss the moments I filled with joy and stared and played the moment over in my head...

When it comes to Becky, I feel like I just have this big hole that I ignore all the time because I don't know what to fill it with to make it suck less.

I feel like Jess V is mad at me and I think that's another reason I am paranoid. 

Anytime someone is mad I just lose myself.... I told her I would break plans that I was really looking forward to, to hang with her... but then when we couldn't get anything together I cancelled the night before, and went with the original plan... it was a shady move to make plans with her in the first place, and a shady move to break them.
I had a lot of fun playing stupid board games and I don't want to feel guilty for that...

But I also really value her presence even though I get frustrated, I want to hang out with her,  and I think she has always had a lot of influence over my view of myself... which is another reason I am all crazy all of a sudden.

I keep having all of these thoughts about how bad things could get... I always wonder if people will abandon me like they should, or hurt themselves to hold on.

A few years ago my therapist diagnosed me as having generalized anxiety and he wondered if it was just a temporary thing.  I always wonder about that too... like am I actually just a really well-functioning anxious nightmare, or do I just dabble in the anxiety... is it something I am outgrowing?

I almost started crying talking to Victoria today. She keeps saying really nice things to me, which keeps me from feeling worthless,  but at other times keeps checking certain statements I make, and I can't tell if its just because I am really self conscious right now that it hurts so much when she does it, or if she is actually using some knife.  I was telling her that I was feeling really anxious and it just felt right to say this is what I was like all throughout high school... I kept it really hidden (like I do now) but I always assumed people knew.  Its so much harder to fight off the waves of doubt now, because they are less frequent. When it was an every hour thing, it seemed manageable, when it comes now and then its like a fucking punch in the face out of nowhere... the few things I have figured out so far are that A) I am not functioning at full capacity-anxiety-exhaustion-still sick B) the doubt and paranoia comes when I am alone, or about to be with people, like tonight I was at this restaurant and I started thinking this chinese man could read my thoughts because he was staring at me... C) the general anxiety is causing me to be a workhorse.

In order to keep from feeling completely overwhelmed I have just been working(keeping busy) from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed.  This has been good in many ways, but I also feel like my ability to concentrate, and the quality of the work is suffering immensely. That seems to run counter to the praise I am getting for the work... but a lot of the paranoia is about letting these same people down, or hurting them unintentionally. 

I'm starting to wonder about just how open I can be with people... or should I just keep everything secret.
Like when I am like this I sometimes see things that aren't real... and I know they aren't real... I know its my eyes and my brain playing tricks on me... and that its because I am stressed and tired, but its hard not to want to talk about.

I was looking for a poem with the JF song I am listening to, but the link doesn't work anymore... and its on the other computer...

so I  found this one which seems to fit the occasion much more prominently...

Starting to feel really worthless
without a friend or love to share it with.
Why is it no one can hear without defense or jealousy?
Just a moment to meet as equals without scorn or hardheartedness.
I don’t even know what I am seeking
another broken heart, half healed
lips that understand my aches, and sooth
rather than breaking them open with the scorn, born deep throated, quick fire
so that as the words leave, she gasps unsure where that bite came from, but her snapping teeth are clenched all the same.
Or worse its unsaid, quick glance away at the exact moment, silence as always, the sound that shatters,
cruel joke you can’t hear it breaking, but the shock waves reverberating causing every muscle to strain, could swear you were upright, yet still seizing and shaking
now pretend to go on just the same.
I’m a champion of the non-involved, a coward.
I’ve run continents away. I’ve sat in my own cell filled with fantasy, pervert monk, always stoic except in writing. Always publicly studious, covered yet conniving.  Dreaming, ever escalating the pedestal, the scales always balanced so the shame descends as well. Like my back that bends to humble, doubt supersedes all thoughts of ambition, all attempts to embrace replaced by longings for recognition.

Its funny, seeing the patterns in my own thoughts over the years is often times something that pains me... but tonight its comforting to know that I am NOT so far gone, that this isn't out of the ordinary for me.

To due list 2-21-12

Tonight I was supposed to:

1) Correct evals, (write up a response to the class)

2) Correct an Essay(✔)

3) Take an online training for testing

4) Look up current Sexual Assault stats (✔)

5) Read 3 pages about "common feelings of a person who has been sexually assualted) (✔)

6) Prepare questions for US History class

7) Prepare questions or a worksheet for Social Sci Fi Class

8) Watch a movie for Men's Class

9) Meet With Ben (✔)

10) Meet with Anya

11) Do research on student groups who might be interested in SoT (✔)

12) Proofwatch five 3-5 min videos

13) Update the SoT blog (✔)

14) Update the SoT website with Ben(✔)

15) Update the SoT Facebook (✔)

16) Clean the Kitchen (✔)

1,6,7,12 may still be doable if I want to be up for another hour.

Yah yah yah cookie

Starting to wonder if I should make this blog {private}  there are already times when I don't post the things I write, but recently we were discussing cyberbullying/sexting/cyber stalking with the students and I revealed that there were times this thing got me into trouble. That of course opens up the possibility that my students will find this here website... or any of the other ones.

Hmmm  so if this blog suddenly disappears and you still want to read it just ask.

I took my desktop into the store today to have them try to save any data I have on there before it crashes. They said they could recycle it for me when its done... which I though was cute considering they scrap comps and do a lot of refurbishing... its like "hey we will recycle that for you" literally we will let someone else use it.

I'm on the quil, I started feeling really sick yesterday and it keeps getting worse. I took a couple of doses of nyquil last night and some dayquil that is slowly waring off on me right now.  Its weird that drugs work.

I am editing videos for SoT right now. All of my writing and creative time either goes to school of SoT...
One of the nicest things is walking into flyer a place and its already been flyered... and seeing someone else with a SoT bumper sticker on their car while driving...
its like whoa, its working.

I had a conversation with someone about praying last night, and it was really nice. I wish I had more conversations about religion with people... about how you don't have to be a crazy person to believe in something, or feel comforted.


I have been really enjoying my strange dreams lately... some of them involve these really weird embarrassing situations that I just handle... like ok I could be ashamed but instead I am just going to get through it. I always wonder what that means. Could it be that I am growing as a person? Or that my subconscious is trying to prepare me? Or that I should share more embarrassing things with people? or that its all okay?

I like this mucho

g

tough actions

Earlier this year in Men's class we had a conversation on why it is important to have tough conversations.
Following the discussion, my coworker (who is also an emt) did a short powerpoint on symptoms and diseases and things that can happen to male genitals.
It was a shock video, you know the kind that grosses everyone out, but at the same time the message was important. If something is wrong get help.
I have been having pain in that area for a few days... its a sort of dull ache, nothing that would make me cry or scream or anything.  All the websites say it could be different things and that I should go to the doctor...
The two things keeping me from that are A) time  B) money.

I have health insurance so its no big deal, but I just feel weird about being checked out if its nothing. Especially since that costs money for nothing.
The last time I went to my doctor it was nothing, the time before nothing.
I don't even really have a doctor, I just go to the one my mom got me into when I had shingles...
Anyway, if it turns out to be something I need surgery for I feel like I wouldn't have time to do that till spring break (which is like 2 months away).

I feel very little worry about this as far as the actual symptoms...
at worse testicular cancer is like 95% no problem.
If I end up being infertile, there will be some grieving but it will save me a whole lot of anxiety around having children I cant afford... and I  have really only been sexually active for like an 1/9 of my life.
Which is sad, but whatevs. 

purpose --> passion

One of my favorite riotfolk.org songs has the line "and God didn't give her a soul but art did." I think its funny how despite my faith I find that a really beautiful and true statement. Regardless of the "soul" we have at birth, its not until we find our passions that we have any sense of who we are, where we are headed.

Yesterday I was sitting with Aleks at Spyhouse on Hennepin. We were discussing, organizing, politics, teaching, leadership, personal barriers to our accepting responsibility, and I (at least) was enjoying the conversation, but didn't quite know where it was going (despite the fact that I asked him there for "business" reasons).
So first off you should come to Alek's event on Feb 11th Winter Wonder Walk/Ride
and my event on Mar 18th

Anyway, Aleks is discussing how e is easily swayed by a beautiful woman to do the things he actually wants to do but normally wouldn't, and mid conversation he starts paying more attention to the woman at the table next to us and the wild story she is telling.
This embarrasses her enough that she has to retell us the story, and Aleks proceeds to flirt with her/have some really good honest fun conversations.
Turns out she is a prof at the U, turns out she is with a group of students, and former students who are from all over the world. Turns out half the group is gay, turns out they like our flyers.
Turns out they want to have some conversations on the topics that we are discussing too.

At this point it felt, pretty wonderful, kind of human and magical... to just meet random people, find connections learn to appreciate each other with ease. I think more than half of this comes from the fact that almost the entire table were people who had left their home country to enjoy the fruits of the world, and Aleks and I have both done our fair share of traveling. One could also chalk it up to the go-getter connector nature that Aleks exhibits with ease (yet doesn't seem to recognize the power of).

But it made me feel, just right, like the purpose of being at Spyhouse had been affirmed, doubly (aleks, and the table).
So then we are getting up to leave and this guy comes over and says "Hi I overheard you, I am very interested in what you are doing, I run a radio program that talks about spiritual issues and work with a group of spiritual progressives, here's my card. Get in contact with me"  basically.
triple score

There is this feeling I used to get all the time while traveling that things had come together as they should.
Yesterday they did.
Its one of the moments that comes every 6 years and tells you you are on the right path-keep it up.

im too tired to write this post.

Coffee
or at least I did have some a few hours ago... since then I have mostly been drinking water and rootbeer.

I did some reading of Gladwell's the tipping point and was inspired to do some thinking about the organizational structure of my work. Like maybe things wouldn't be so chaotic if we changed the structure of the school a little. This is something we are already thinking about so... my rants will probably be useful soon.

But now I am feeling achy from sitting here so long in this uncomfortable position and I feel pretty drained as far as my mental energy.

I woke up after some pretty impressive dreams today, they were letting me in on all sorts of secrets and things to think about...
lots about relationships and attractions and responsibilities.

 

is everyone slightly cross eyed at this distance or am I the only one? 

In a cold coffee shop. I don't know why its so cold in here... I'm thinking about McDonalds and how to get some in uptown and keep it warm on the drive home... either that or I have to get Whiteys... which is a weird strange world that I have some how entered.
You see when I lived here in uptown it was easy and quick to go to the 24 hour maccies, but at my new residence the only two places that are 24 hours is dennys and white castle... and somehow I have started going to white castle. strange world indeed.
When I get home I am either going to watch Starship Troopers or do my normal before bed routine.
I just finished the book and good lord are they different.
The thing is I am excited to show my students the movie, but there are some good excerpts from the book.
Today we watched 1984 and it seemed like they were starting to get that you could talk about social studies themes in any weird society.
We use PIGEARS, which is a device I picked up while student teaching.
Political, Intellectual, Geographic, Economic, Aesthetic, Religious and Social Structure.

For 1984 it was great to get to a point where they understood that a society perpetually at war creates and destroys good (economics) which keeps the people busy, always in poverty and creates a hierarchical social structure (inner party, outer party and proles).
Politically they are at war against both their own people and against the two other nations that live by the same basic political system. They follow the leadership of Big Brother (who may or may not exist -we haven't really gotten there) and are against their enemies the resistance and the other nations.  They have no laws that serve the individual in fact we have been discussing a lot of the intellectual values of the society.... ignorance is strength, war is peace, freedom is slavery... and how thoughtcrime is a natural extension of a political system that doesn't value individuality... (interested to follow this up with starship troopers).
Aesthetically everything is drab, no comfort, and only the proles are allowed beauty (humanity)... the inner party hordes and conceals their wealth and luxuries so as to keep the outer party docile.
Religiously the party has designed rituals like the 2 minutes of hate to fulfill the need for devotion, propaganda for big brother replaces the need for a God.
Geographically the cities are impoverished, gray, on the verge of falling apart... but outside where no one is allowed to go, there is natural beauty, abundance.

Its a great book/movie to use for social studies, because it allows the students to think outside of the realm of what they know is possible, and recognize that their values and political system are in fact creations as well.


Coffee shop is closing...

**********************

Well its two days later, same coffee shop, different time of day.

Just finished a SoT meeting on marriage equality... really low turn out, but good conversation and a lot of good ideas. Sometimes its good to have a small number... still its hard when part of the reason we were having this meeting was to get the whole community jazzed.   We had about 15, the same 15 committed to doing phonebanking on the 6th of feb. So at least we are 1/1 on committment.

The internet isn't working as well as I would like it to or I would still be working on SoT stuff.

Lets see, this week
Tomorrow I had a cancellation on a one to one, so I am meeting up with Illy
Tuesday I have a one to one and then maybe a movie with Jess
Wednesday I am hanging with Alicia
Thursday with Illy
Friday I am seeing Lion King with my mom
Sat and Sun?  I am sure I have things written down but can't remember.

At work we are going to be moving into Starship Troopers(sci fi), Civil war(US) and probably Armenia (genocide)... but I haven't really been preparing for that class.
In people class I think we are doing stress and some other things... I haven't got the schedule with me.
My homeroom is writing essays on "Why I deserve to be here." which is extremely challenging for them and also really good.
So far the arguments can be categorized in a few groups:

I am a good fit for the school.
I am a good student.
Education is a human right.
I will use this education for the future.

Pretty soon I am going to make all the students read eachother's arguments, because right now its like they refuse to get feedback from anyone but me, it is slowing their progress, but they become really unsure of themselves when they read other people's work, either self conscious that theirs isn't good enough or too self conscious to critique someone else.

None of them have started working on grammar or spelling corrections... but that is a whole other area of dread.

Still its a good assignment. They have to think, be critical, be humble and proud at the same time. Some struggle with the one, some with the other.

A lot of them have a hard time breaking down their behavior...
like "I am a good student, because I get my work done."   
which work? How do you get it done?
"I get my homework done."
ughhh

 *******

The rest of today...

Well i suppose I should do some research on the armenian genocide or something. There are only 5 weeks left and we haven't technically got into any of the specifics. I will probable have them watch some more movies too...

Lacey came up with an exercise routine I should try out. I just haven't had the energy to do it yet... that restless I need to throw my energy into something energy.

I have some laundry to do.

I spent an hour yesterday reading some more Deepak Chopra, its good but its hard to keep in the mindset. Its like I need a flip out chart in my pocket. I also went to Mayday books  which is a progressive bookstore in Minneapolis. I used to always go to Arise, but it closed and I have been meaning to go to Mayday ever since... but haven't.

I picked up a few good books, one on Howard Zinn, one on the Bohemian Flats (an old neighborhood in Minneapolis that was destroyed) one on demographic info in the US (maybe a good tool for a geography class). 

I am also trying to get a little further into The Tipping Point because I started reading it last fall and had to put it on hold. I am also supposed to pick up the second and third in the hunger games series... which should be quick reads. But I think I should put them on hold for a month and get some of these other reads done.  I bought You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh, which I am planning to read after the deepak Chopra book.  Something to keep me in the flow spiritually. 

I have to buy a new copy of A Different Mirror, because I can't remember what I did with my old copy and I think it will be helpful for school. I am pretty sure I marked up the old copy... so it sucks that I don't have it.

I also have a couple of world history books I would like to read soon... and a bunch of books on the civil rights movement that I should really read at some point so I can speak genuinely about that time. 

Hmm, it sure seems like a lot of reading. 

There is this guy here doing these really intricate and elaborate sketches on giant paper... and they are pretty amazing. Looks like hours and hours of work.

I have been out of touch on this whole blog thing lately... well this one.

I been writing a lot for the Spirit of Truth Blog. 

Tonight I wrote a long piece about being excited to go against the Anti-gay marriage amendment in MN.

But I have been feeling the need to write lately. 

I really want to write a poem for this

I planning on using that video for Men's Class tomorrow, but as far as writing my own stuff... its just not coming out in written form.

I feel like I have been giving a lot of passionate speeches and asking some good questions in my classes.

I am teaching a class on genocide, a class on science fiction and how it relates to social studies, and us history.

 In all three we are talking about serious issues and I am using the topics to question our society, and how my students plan on dealing with it.  Today for instance we talked about how in order to commit genocide one has to see the enemy as A) not being human and B) as a threat (someone who will or is hurting you).

But then it was really easy to take that language apart and talk about all war... talk about how our leaders thrive off of that kind of language... and when my students complained that it was because people were stupid, or ignorant, I got to ask them in what way were they different?  and what they planned on doing about it.

I really wanted to write about my birthday.  Not so much the thing itself, but what does it mean to have finished the year I didn't think I would finish?  The year I jokingly said I would win either way, whether I died or not because I had always believed I would. 

What does it mean that on that night, driving home, I wanted desperately not to die... because suddenly life seemed like it was too good to give up.

I didn't think about the things I had not done, I thought of the things I had done... and how happy I was to have done them.  I didn't want the end of that.

But what have I done? 

When I convinced myself I was dying of cancer last night, I thought about what I would want for a legacy... I wondered if I had 6 months, could I convince the people around me to help me create something lasting?

Would it be worth it to spend my time that way rather than put my energy into work, or action, or just sitting around loving people...?

I thought about martyrdom too... like Thích Quảng Đức or Norman Morrison

is that a better way to go than the painful condition I had fantasized?

Gaunte says in his poem about poets and artists "On the first day of school do not make a list of characteristics of a good poet, make a list of the people who will weep when you die."

Or could I will the cancer away as Deepak says is possible?

I want to write about the beautiful women in my life, and how hard it is to see them suffer, not be able to reach through those barriers and fix things for them.

I want to write about my students, the ridiculousness that is adolescence...

I want to write about travels, and fantasize about vacations I will soon take... maybe

I want to write a fucking newsletter for my school, and a novel, and a manifesto and some songs.

I want to write about how ugly I feel lately when I look in the mirror... at this person i don't quite recognize, yet who looks familiar enough though muted, old, fat and gray.

I want to write confessions, maybe I should use that other blog, but I have been feeling so fearful and shameful again... 

but I haven't done any of that...

mostly just thoughts before bed.

and I am tired and haven't figured out tomorrow yet...

so sorry i cannae contribute nor enhance your mood with beautiful imaginings... but maybe someday I will write something worthy of you and post it here, so check back in I guess. 

jan 5th 2012 woot!

So few days till my birthday.... I care not.

Hmmm   well
lets see,  

School starts in a few days. I have no strategies. I have no idea what I am teaching.

But I am not freaking out.  I spent the better part of the last month or two really stressing and being negative about work. I guess if I do have a plan, its to kick back a little and see what is needed, but not expect too much. It is generally accepted that Winter is the harder trimester at our school. Between the weather and the curriculum of heavy topics, students tend to be more on edge.  I wish I could teach a therapy class.

I guess at this point it is likely I will be teaching US history and a world history and then filling in the third one. According to the 2 year plan I wrote up years ago, right now would be the time for geography, but I didn't feel that was a very successful class the first time around and I don't think it would be today either.

I am tempted to do something really basic, like civics again. We have a lot of students that are really young and don't know a lot of basic social studies terminology, so its hard to have discussions because they just don't have enough background information. 

I am resentful... I can feel it. 

I have been trying to work on my negative vibes by reading this book. 

So far I enjoy it, it is a good reminder of some old eastern stuff I forget about in the moment. It is also written for a western audience so he likes to back everything up with a little science, though some might call it pseudoscience.

I noticed it was helping right away, the struggle I have been having is keeping it in mind. Making it habit. Finding the time to sit still and meditate. 

I think I need a concrete plan, but I have never been good at those. I have already broken my resolutions. 

Today in the book I was reading about what he calls "Hard Focus" and "Soft Focus"   in hard focus you are obsessed and judgmental of right and wrong, good and bad. In soft focus, you allow your thoughts and actions to exist without judging them, accepting that they are part of the experience. 

I wish it were easier to change focus. 

I Just finished the 5th book in the Song of Ice and Fire series. I am sad that i will have to wait until who knows when for the 6th and 7th books. Perhaps it would be better to reread the whole series when the 7th book comes out instead of reliving the wait after the 6th. 

I am looking forward to watching the series when it comes out in March.

 SoT is going relatively well. I have been trying to make slight adjustments to the website and the blog. I am not as interested in the facebook page. It is now my job to coordinate a social media team and help keep the institutional memory of the organization. Its a lot of responsibilities and at the same time it is entirely what I make of the job... like people can say "hey i'd be cool if _______ was on the web." and I can either respond yeah, you should do that... or yeah but we don't have time... or yeah I was planning on it. or whatevers

Its weird to have the responsibility of leading an organization of peers. Its hard to know how to hold people accountable. Hard to know when and how to act... are we rushing? are we going too slow?

I feel like I mostly accomplished my goals socially this break. I saw a lot of the people I wanted to, hung out with my roommates some. Reconnected with old college and high school friends. Even hung out with my brothers and family.

I did not see Chris, and did not have too much time with either of the Jess's

I did get to talk to Becky which was a nice surprise... and that will probably keep me non-resentful for a few weeks. 

Its been really hard to have friends who are too busy dealing with real shit... and therefor aren't available to just chill, or to deal with my bs issues. I don't hold it against them, because I see them trying... but its hard to know how to ask for what I need, when its extremely hard for them to ask for what they need.

No swings, all misses in the gf department. I feel like I have a few options that I don't want, and it makes me feel bad (hard focus) to not want, like I am doing something wrong. 

Personal Projects over break:

Art day-success in that it happened, failure in that so far it hasn't reignited energy for art.

Writing: I started journaling, haven't kept it up... but felt good. Not much else...

LNAS Newsletter:  Not so far...

New laptop tools:  messed around with prezi today... kind of fun, but very slow going. Have not messed with powerpoint in a while. 

Reading:  So far good,  I had a goal of reading Hunger Games before the end of the break, and doubt that will happen... but maybe next week. 

Websites: starting to get to know the SoT website, didn't have time to learn dreamweaver for LNAS.

State of the Planet/Country:

I honestly have not been paying as much attention as normal. I know whats going on with the republicans, I know about some of the upcoming local actions in the twin cities... but I haven't been huge on the news lately. I feel overwhelmed as it is.  I guess I feel hopeful in some places and super disappointed in others. Its hard to watch all of the bs go on, and see that only a handful of people are doing anything about it. Its not that I judge randoms for not being involved... 9/10 of the people I know are not involved, but its hard that we can't seem to break through.  There are still wars, still uninsured/underinsured, undocumented folks getting harassed, addicts in need of help, homeless, unemployed, domestic abuse and sexual assault, hate crimes, and suicides by those who feel they aren't wanted... Its really all too much and I wish we could have some great victory to give us all hope... but even the victories we have are drawn through the mud so you can't tell you have won. The healthcare bill for instance, is fucking great!  Its not what I wanted, but its a place to start. Yet I rarely hear of anyone who talks about it in a good way.Where is the positivity?

I don't like man-made climate change... but 50 degrees in january sure feels better than the 20s we had last week, or the negatives we had years ago.

I came home to the overwhelming smell of mold in my kitchen. Some of the fruit had gone bad and it had smelled bad for awhile in certain areas, but the parties had covered it up. The smell alone makes me sick sometimes, I can't imagine the people who spent hours the other day chatting in there.

I have that really awful jealous/why not me feeling.  I've had it since I left Illy's last night.  I just want to be in love with someone who loves me back. Equal, no more of this off balance shit. 

It snowed for new years, and made driving home so bright.

We just curled up and watched movies... barely recognizing when it turned midnight.  I loved the low expectations.

I have been trying to spend my days re-centering myself. Journaling and reading. caffeinated

________________________________________________

I took a break from writing to see if my mood would improve, I've smiled a bit more.

Learned about the coital post-life.

A bunch of college friends are over, playing games, playing music.

I used to live for this didn't I?

Why am I feeling so ready to leave.

Why does sitting alone at a coffee shop call so much more than good company, smiles, laughter, art and beauty?

I think my shirt smells


I had a dream about a baby last night, later it turned into a kitten.   Is it just a Christmas dream or is one of yall preggers?

Headed to my moms for Christmas afternoon. Didn't do a good job with presents, feeling kind of weird about it.

Supposed to see like 4-5 people in the next few days, we shall see.

Oh so tired...

Sorry about the bad breath Katie S, everyone seems to be a close talker lately. 

I am exhausted, I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Staying up late and waking up early... my normal time to recuperate was  not satisfied.  I was feeling it today, after school I felt like I could fall asleep at our after school meeting.

Everything has been tense and hectic, like a potential fight around each corner at work. 

Its mirrored in the staff, which is sad and not going to work, the 4 of us just work too well together to be hindered... and we all resent it.

SoT is going well, we all finally sat down for our leadership council to talk through what exactly the council is for, what we are responsible for and why these jobs need to get done. There is no way we will pick up all the pieces of what a paid organizer could do... but we will try to get some structure in place.

I am in charge of social media, outreach through it, training people into using it, and keeping things up to date. 

I may have to start bringing my laptop to meetings so I can change things on the spot.

When I got home last night an old friend of a friend was here. It was really nice to see him. Hes still hilarious and goofy and kind of brilliant in a way that doesn't create a hierarchy. Anyway it was nice to recognize the existence in the flesh of a person that I sometimes wonder about.

Listening to Spirits of the Red City.  Wondering who my next crush should be. 

I wonder how often i mention crushes in conjunction with that band... like the ratio has got to be like 3/5 of the time. Funny I don even know em.

Work is so weird... its like you work and work and work and hope that things get better but they just get harder. When you do too much the students do too little, when they don't do enough you have to be more strict about what is acceptable. 

I have a speaker coming tomorrow and its making me nervous. Its the last day of classes and one of them I am completely unprepared for. I told the students they all had to do a graphic novel (minimum one page), I tend to do one too, but my perfectionism is getting in my way. Whenever I do projects I try to show students an example of the kind of quality I am looking for... but sometimes I am just not feeling it.

I think its so weird... being exhausted at work... being totally stressed out, you would think I'd be preparing to relax over break... but today I started plotting different projects that I wanted to get done for work... like familiarizing myself with dreamweaver the software for the webpage, and finding someone to write a newsletter as an internship. 

These are the kind of projects that make me feel like I accomplished something more than just the bare minimum... and lately I feel like we are barely getting by.

I'm sort of frustrated because there are these friends that have asked me to check in with them more often, but when I do I don't always get great responses... I don't always get responses at all. They say they miss me and want to be closer, but seem to be asking me to move in their direction instead of meeting together. 

Really hard to know where to put the little amount of energy I have.

Laurel's retirement party was probably the best party I have ever been to. 

I even talked to mr King, which is weird because I was under the impression we were going to ignore each others' presence for the rest of our lives. 

Maybe Emily will come teach Japanese and I can invite one of our old students to come in and act as an assistant. We need more positive influence around school. 

but yeah I am looking forward to a break...  I want to read and draw, and write and feel like I can write...

I want to see some folks, play some games, feel like I have some energy and sleep... sleep and dream a whole bunch. 

Sleep alone...

I need to learn how to be ok with not controlling everything. This is like one of the themes of my life.
Its hard though, when I was younger I felt like everything was so out of control that I had to put it back together. Then as a teenager when things were out of control I tried to gain control by hurting myself. Then as a traveler I tried to realize that I didn't have control -so I needed to be able to rely on the smallest things and trust in the universe... and then in college and summer jobs I realized by trying really hard I could control my surroundings and that people responded rather positively to me trying to take control.
As a teacher I am told that i must control a classroom. That if things are out of control it is my fault. Also that if students fail it is probably likely due to me as well... and when staff fail that's my fault too. So I have to have control over those things...Or when I invite speakers in and it doesn't go according to my expectations that of course is my fault... and when there are problems in my family that of course is my fault... and when I am too overwhelmed to deal with my friends that is my fault, and when my friends are too overwhelmed that of course is my fault, and when I like someone that is my fault (and they don't like me), and when someone likes me (and I don't like them) that is my fault.   

So much desire for control...
my dreams lash out sometimes... that's part of why I love them.
In them I sometimes act on the things I know I wouldn't actually act on... but even there I have the desire to control.

I dunno... maybe I need a bit more Taoism, or Buddhism, a little more go with the flow, a little more don't attach to the material.

Probably need to take a break from all the being in charge stuff... winter break is only a week away.

http://clickflashwhirr.me/



The human face is so interesting. In some ways it doesn't even look like her at times.

Saw the Muppet movie tonight with Alicia, and it lived up to expectations.
I feel like I have a lot on my plate right now between work and SoT and friends and roommates. I don't really want to drop the ball on any of it, but its also like 11:30 and I want some me time. I am hoping tomorrow I can take some time to do some writing or thinking or something.

Just found these guys, I like it.
The first is rather touching, a piece from Les Miserables a very touching song in itself, but there is something to the idea of a soldier coming home that makes it a little more momentous.
We had a soldier in our office today in uniform. Automatically there is a weird touch to the air when someone is in uniform. Its all the heaviness it caries with it.



This is a song we used to sing in jr high choir.
I always regret not taking that more seriously. I can't even remember which songs I had solos on anymore. I wonder if this was one of them.




I hope you are doing well. I am thinking of many people right now. Also spending a lot of time meditating.

Whats it been a week?

I woke up to snow and the sun setting at 4:30 PM
Saturdays are my only day to sleep in and clearly I took advantage of it.
Funny now its 12:37 AM and I am ready for bed so I must have needed it.

Life has been
work: going well
SoT: also going well
Close friends and roommates: going well but not satisfied.

and them's the breaks.


I like that someone I was having a dream about visited this site at roughly the same time, that's just funny.
I was explaining to a group of people in the dream that I hadn't had sex in 5 years.
They seemed alarmed and bewildered.

When I am older I will likely look back on this time of my life as a strange lull in that department... or the beginning of my being a monk.

There was a scene in the movie I just watched where a young teenager is basically offered sex by his female friend. She is waiting naked for him, and he puts his face in his hands and is totally uncomfortable.

I feel like that is how I would respond right now to any situation in which that sort of thing was involved and yet my fantasy life is abundant.

-in the morning the female character sort of thanks him and asks him not to tell anyone.

One thing I do not appreciate about my job is that it is so demanding that I regularly feel disconnected from my center.   Somewhere around 1 AM this morning I started feeling really truthful, not overwhelmed with emotion, not separate, but somewhere in the balance between creative and inspired, motivated, logical and yet able to emote... I wanted to paint and appreciate but felt I didn't have enough time, because 1 am means bed time soon... but I wished that that feeling would come more often. Sometimes it feels like months in-between spurts.

Earlier this year I told one of our administrators that 95 % of the time I love my job.  I think that's mostly true, but sometimes I wonder what else I could be doing that would feel fulfilling. Would working with adults help? Would being in administration? Would fishing off a beach in Uruguay make the difference? Would switching to a 4 day week help? Should I take on less classes instead of more?

I get bored with the same old routines and yet maybe I need to focus more on me. 

I have been thinking about how I haven't really exercised since some time this summer and even then it was like going for a walk.

I don't really take the time to take care of myself.  I need to start obligating myself to things.

An art class or a writing class, or an exercise routine. 

Nona Marie and the Choir

Have I ever mentioned to you how good Nona's covers are?

Classic Plank

Superwoman

Plane

Mummy

3 updates and a note

The reconciliation process has begun, I think. Trying to be careful not to give in to my ever forgiving personality, and stay true to the pieces of real hurt.

Teaching 4 classes during interim: Improv, Logic, History through Graphic Novels, Struggle & Occupy (an updated history of MN activism).

Looking forward to graphic novels the least. I'm co-teaching Logic with the math teacher, should be interesting. I think he is thinking of logical progressions in  math, what is missing from this equation?  How do these elements interact to give you the missing portion? Where as I am thinking of logic from the argumentation point of view... So the trick will be creating that link, what is the missing premise to this argument? How do these elements interact to give you a logical argument?

There are soft warm places in your heart that can be easily and not so easily opened, discovered, but not always easy to recreate, not ever easy to live without again. 

*The note* Joanna Newsom is doing a good job of melodically touching the notes of warmth, but still not the multi-sensory experience I was looking for.

Somebody in Russia keeps checking out my blogs. That is very flattering, but I don't write enough to keep ya entertained like that. Especially not that poetry blog, which hasn't been updated in 6 months. You might want to try subscribing, so you get updates instead of having to check it all the time. 

I only know one person in Russia right now, I am guessing it is not you. 

But thanks for the interest. 

Did a bunch of Spirit of Truth stuff this weekend, new leadership council is forming and running into the same old problems. It is fun but will be a challenge. 

Yesterday I broke down and cried during a few songs in church. Specifically we were singing "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds and there were some lines that made me all emotional. Hard for me to recognize the good in "the time for" negative seeming things. Still the time to refrain from embracing, surely does cause a need to embrace elsewhere... and I am glad that this has allowed me the tiniest bit of recognition of my other friends, who I  push away too quickly. 

I slept like I had been infused with coffee before falling asleep. I was having some dramatic dream when my alarm went off, action packed climax was about to occur and then was lost forever. 

My horoscope said that I would be disheartened and should look for diversions today. 

Right from the moment of waking.

I haven't listened to any Mars Volta in months.... still so good.

I'm trying to write this letter to this supposed best friend of mine who I feel totally abandoned and neglected by... and I have such a hard time because I feel like I can't even be openly angry, I can't defend myself and I hate that I've been put in this position...
Like why do I feel like the bad guy for wanting someone to show me the tiniest amount of dignity?
It like makes me hate myself on another level,

like not only am I not worth caring about, but I'm not worth standing up for, and I'm heartbroken and furious at both of us for believing it.

Movie was fantastic... you know what else was good?

So down to the right there, I have a list of other peoples' blogs. Adrianne is someone who I have followed for years (or did), I basically read about this woman's life, read her fantasies, her memories, her goals, and about her day. I learned about her friends in college, I started reading their blogs and then their friends too... I did this all throughout college and a little beyond. I also bought her book of poetry and loved it. But I never hung out with Adrianne, not really. I mean I went to some events that she also attended, but tonight I was in her car, hearing about her love of Twilight, her relationship, her flings ... in person. 

That was really nice.

Don't get me wrong, as obsessive as this seems... I actually just really thought she was talented and interesting and cool. I never thought of her as a friend (not really), no crush, no fantasies, just a person out there living a fascinating life and tonight we crossed paths. I didn't think it meant anything to me until I thought about how much I knew about her and how little she knew of me... and then I realized how creepy I am, but also it felt nice to sit next to her in a theater as if I had really known her all these years.Like we were friends.

Gonna go see twilight with high school friends. 

A student was describing his life and family situation today and I teared up or wanted to. I forget sometimes the ridiculous things they go through, the abuse, neglect and shame. 

Its hard to recognize just how different our lives can be...

Sometimes its easier to believe they are lying, after all they lie all the time, whats to distinguish this statement from the next? Never knowing whats true, you tend to take everything with skepticism... but some stories come too easily, and are too awful  to make up... or sometimes like with another student today, its cuz they don't want to say a damn thing about it with you but certain words cause tears to roll down their cheeks... and they look at you through those wet eyes like you're not saying anything but also like they can't wait for you to shut the fuck up.

Something changed yesterday, mid day I suddenly realized I wasn't as crabby as I had been.   I don't know what the difference was... maybe just not sick anymore, or maybe the sun came out or something... but it felt so much better. I was making jokes and doing voices and making faces and had energy. 

Got a leadership meeting for spirit of truth tomorrow. 

There was this girl at Grumpy's last night who I saw as I was walking in.   Some older drunk guys were hitting on her, or knew her or something... but I was like "whoa that girl is cute" in my head...  

Its so weird how we have such different reactions to people.

Some days I think everyone is beautiful, some days I can't stop looking at pictures of my friends, some days I just don't find people attractive, but its weird how some people just cut through it. 

I especially think its interesting when the people we find attractive aren't necessarily the ones that everyone else stops for. Like we catch the shine of  that person's eyes or hair or cheeks or smile or spirit... and we can't not see it, even though they walk through the world not being recognized.

Funny enough I think that is one of the funny things about Twilight that draws people in... the main character is seen as attractive but not like the center of the universe... then enter vampire and (almost obsessively) he is stuck on her. 

well since that is full circle... im gonna run

Just like that back to bad eating habits.

I'm not sure if I should be writing this here or directly...

I feel like dismissing whatever half-assed apology comes,  weeks late and a half a world away from proving that it matters. 

Whats another day? I've given enough, why be hasty and dismissive? Why not give the benefit of the doubt, wasn't there once reason, and isn't that reason enough?

I think about it and I get angry, if I care I might care enough to hate, and I'd rather not self-violate myself with that.

Hate? Seriously a little dramatic, don't you think? What is there to hate? What have you really suffered? A little loneliness, a little left out, did you even ask for remedy? 

Well regardless, its enough of a wake up. Whose heart kept whose together? That being the case, what is there to be sorry for? "I'm sorry you had such high expectations." As if that is anyone's fault by my own.

and if that is the case, then why be angry at anyone else? Easy way out, disappointment but are you angry at yourself or someone else? Is that why moments after you think about it you start to hate everything else, everything about yourself, everything you touch becomes doubtful, future cringing, dreadful?