no one believed him

Listening to first aid kit. I never really liked them other than the one cover, and then I heard them on the radio recently and thought "damn I love this band"  and that is how I discover music these days... music that everyone else discovered like 10 years ago and told me about... and then it takes me all this time to realize I like it.

I was having coffee with someone tonight and she kept challenging my points, and I knew that it was out of her desire to get me to see how great things were, and because my cynicism was pointing in the way of the things she spends her life doing, but it felt weird to be challenged and with such clarity that it made my entire idea fall apart.

That's how I feel lately. Like I can't clarify my ideas and other people can outargue me. 

But it was actually kind of nice to have someone so defiant and well-spoken challenge my pessimism. It made me feel out of touch, but sort of gave me a lot of hope to see someone passionate.

I may have gotten my reassurance today when that same individual walked up to and hugged/chatted with a former student(one of my favorite former students). They had canvassed together and it made me realize that the right people meet the right people and things are good. 

I haven't been convinced myself tonight... but I think that was supposed to be a sign.

I am worried about work. 

I fear that we have reached some scary point of no return. 

Its hard to put that fear into words, but it permeates the atmosphere sometimes, people are tense and ready to snap. 

My friend told me tonight that it sounded like I was trying to "save" my students...

I didn't want to admit it, but I think there is something to that again.

I think I have been caught up in the whole, if I don't do it, it won't get done... in SoT, in work and with the students... like I have to get them to think before its too late!

Over last winter break I had to repeat to myself over and over that it isn't my responsibility to save these organizations... that if they aren't sustainable, and we can't collectively find a way to make them that way, then its not my fault if they fail.

But its hard when you see things falling apart and you watch the people you care about stumbling for falling dishes and they catch a few, but a few shatter on the floor and you watch them cringe in pain as they step on broken fragments, and you can't help but reach for a few too many plates yourself,  few too many steps and suddenly you too are a bloody mess.

I might be going to Portland for a few days... maybe hit up Seattle too.

My coworkers make a lot of jokes lately about the women they think I am destined to marry.

Its this cute joke, that makes me feel simultaneously sort of embarrassed and super happy.

So far the list includes one of our student's mothers (who I have to call a lot due to behavior issues)

and this lady (a done deal once I get a plane ticket),  as well as any random they see me look at, like the waitress at the restaurant we went to a week or two ago (who I was looking at because I was worried she was going to get sauce all over my food).  The embarrassment comes from the obvious fact that they have known me for years and I have almost never mentioned anything romantic (because I haven't really had anything). The happy part comes from the idea that they make it seem like they have full confidence that if I just went down to Chile or had the right run in, it would be as simple as that. Like they make it seem like it would be really easy if I actually tried. Like I am loveable, like its only a matter of my intention.  There is something really reassuring there... though I know they don't have the full story... its nice to believe they have that kind of faith in me, even if it is a joke. 

Tomorrow we start evals. I didn't get what I wanted to accomplish tonight done... but I got what I needed done.  Maybe tomorrow I can give it another try. 

Goodnight 

This song cracks me up (Its a revised version of another of his songs, specially made for the election cycle, almost completely new lyrics).

so many great lines, but I really enjoy the

"He got a flat tire, cuz of gay marriage
Brett Favre retired cuz of gay marriage"