an Answer to the Obama Inaguaration

It’s tempting to be cynical,

knowing history can make you that way because history focuses mainly on the dramatic, the eventful. Not the positive steady growth but the incident, the assassination, the war, the corruption and oppression –and the downfall (praised by some as the beginning of a new chapter, a light, but for most suffering)

A new light:

Barack Hussein Obama told us not to be afraid, to loom forward with pride –and hope. To be the change you want to see. Are they just words?

A cynic would say “Of course.”

But aren’t they the words you want to hear? Aren’t they the words you want from the leader? Aren't they what we all say we have been waiting for?

What more do we ask? (A leader who inspires hope)

Our cynicism, our skeptical brains should keep us challenging, using our anger to ensure the better –in ourselves, our friends and family, our society and our leaders.

IT SHOULD NOT

Keep us from being the change we believe in, or mocking the voice we want to hear, or sitting in doubt on the sidelines while at the very least marginal change occurs.

-Will anything be different?

I worry about climate change. The disruption of food and water, the medicine held back by patent laws and greed (though funded with our tax dollars).

I worry about the year of tax burden every single one of us owes on our deficit. The handouts to the rich who claim a single mother is a burden to our society while they waste a grand on shoes or a purse.

I worry about starvation –the ever present threat of war and the billion who see it in their day to day lives.

-but “Will anything be different?” (It’s about time we find out)

I mean if every cell phone at the mall has a camera and the capability to call that starving child a half a world away, then we should be able to ship him some food, or open our borders.

If every Sarah America can be the next best seller at the book store, then we will soon hear the voices of the disenfranchised, and then, when we recognize them as our neighbors, our family…

We wont fence them off or imprison them… we’ll sing together.

My satellite dish and cable TV sends me information about the customs of a people I never knew existed

-their history is now caught up in mine. How can I resist them?

Now even the poor can be educated – “will anything be different?.... oh man it already is.

Our voices stream together at high speeds on the Internet and even though the Big Stone Coal Power Plant provides the energy the plans for 1000 homemade solar panels and wind turbines are its legacy.

Do we throw it all down on technology? NO

We invest in each other. We invest responsibly in ourselves, you and me, not Mr CEO of GM or GE

And then we raise our cynical voices to oppose the injustice

And when we raise our songs for praise

What a world we’d realize we life in

What a world we’d be able to create.

Wrote this in class on inauguration day, we were responding to some prompt questions. I assumed many of my students wouldn't take the event as a positive sign of things... so I tried to inspire some hope.

Another wonderful concert experience

Toki Wright, Sims, Yoni and Omaur Bliss all took the stage and did mini sets, many unrehearsed but showing off raw talent. Sims displayed his new work which he claimed he wrote all in one week. He then dropped the music for the second song and proceeded to do the entire vocal part a cappella. This set was the first time I have ever been able to hear the majority of sims lyrics during a live show. He was really enjoying it too. Yoni and Omaur did their thing, wowing the crowd. Keeping it enjoyable, I still like Yoni more with Pleasure Pause but after the show when I bought his cd he gave me an extra copy to hand out (gave it to the people I went to the show with). I have never seen or hear Toki Wright perform, but I loved it. He doesn't sound like the mn hip hop people even if he is from here... but he sounds great none the less, and he raps with such grace and authenticity and excitement and character that you would think that was how he spoke.

After the show when I returned home a noisy clatter from downstairs startled me. It appeared our long lost roommate had decided to return home after not living here for a few weeks... and he had brought friends. Drunken friends.
They had just gotten home from the bar. Two girls, Two guys. So you would think some sort of coupling had occurred, but no. Me and Morgan were talking in my room when one of the drunken ladies burst in and asked "Are those guys ok guys?" and we had to tell her... "we don't really know." Afterall Josh is our roommate but we found him on craigslist. His friend... well we dont know his name so he was referred to as fluffy head guy all night.
The girl started a conversation with us. Turns out shes a middle school counselor. She seems really cool so I told we should be facebook friends. But as it turns out... she was also looking for a place to stay tonight... as drunken fluffyheaded boy had been their ride... and well at first he was passed out on the floor and later he suddenly woke up and stumbled downstairs to drive away drunk. After about 45 minutes of conversation and slight awkwardness she asked who's bed was larger... and of course morgan's is... but of course I wasn't going to let her sleep in mine anyway... so.

We have house guests I guess is the point of this story.

I doubt I will write more about this, because the moment will be lost... but tonight the singer from Mel Gibson and the Pants was unable to attend the show... so P.O.S. and Cecil Otter filled in doing covers of their songs over Mel Gibson and the Pants music. It was amazing. They really showed how great they are at MCing.

Ghosts of Abu Ghraib

This movie is so disturbing.
With things like this I usually think it is important to watch even when you don't want to believe it. But You can also feel how defensive and numb you become to watching or hearing about it.
I think the best thing about this movie though, is that they ask you to see the torturers (american soldiers) in the context of the Prison. Meaning you see the stress, pressure and lack of organization or leadership involved. Not a few bad soldiers... but the human condition when the abuse of power and oppression are the norm.

I really love the opening song to this cd.
its called "Too Much Dylan" its hilarious, sad and beautiful.
you should check it out... its kind of like the perfect song. I wish I could quote the whole thing on here... but I don't know all the lyrics. http://www.myspace.com/johncraigie


I spent a ton of money today buying new breaks and some other shit.
James took us out to dinner and now I feel bad for letting him spend so much money on us.
I got a new phone because my old one was turning off randomly.

I did some centering last night. Used my mom's medicine cards to find my spirit guides and did a spread to figure out whats up with my life right now. Very helpful.

I really hope I can get to sleep tonight.

so yeah

At work we openly discuss and educate on such topics as pornography, sexual harassment and more.
Its hard for me to do this.
A) because sometimes I feel like a hypocrite
B) because I sometimes disagree with the curriculum, yet I entirely agree with the reasons behind it.
C) because I don't feel comfortable openly saying that sometimes.
D) because I love sexuality and its variations... and I find that many of the things that are open to various forms of sexuality (sometimes unfortunately) are deemed inappropriate.
For instance we were showing this video, a behind the scenes look at pornography. A rather moving video that highlighted a lot of really important information on the blatant power imbalance in the porn industry... but during the video the reporter also highlighted the booming adult toy industry and talked with a Female business owner about her toy sales....
This brings up that really blurry line because we are trying to show the negative effects of power imbalances in sexuality, yet for some reason women who explore or encourage others to explore their sexuality suddenly are inappropriate? -I guess the journalists want her to be a house wife not a business woman who believes in being open about sexuality?

I dunno.... I feel like there are many mistakes I have made in relationships and my sex life... many times that things got out of hand in terms of wants/desires being expressed in inappropriate ways... but I don't think that sexuality was at fault for that... I think insecurity was. I think that a culture that condemns people's sexuality as being perverted(abnormal) when it fits within the range of natural human sexuality is what causes some of those insecurities and I think if there were ways to talk about that and express it in healthier ways people would do so. But we are such a prude country that the only semi-appropriate expression is through these means that rely on power imbalances, manipulation and abuse. If humans were able to openly express their sexuality without feeling ashamed... would they build up the frustration that causes them to turn sexuality into a power game? Would they need to manipulate others into fulfilling their desires? Would they continue to abuse people in private if everyone accepted them for who they were in public?

-Undoubtedly some people would still feel the need to abuse others. Some would do so because they didn't know any better or couldn't find a better outlet. But I think things would improve if we actually did practice more open but respectful forms of sexuality, forms of communication and education.

-Unfortunately there are natural barriers to these things.
Statistically men and women do have different ideas/interests/turn ons... but if the ideas that all of these things were acceptable (but abuse was not) maybe we wouldn't see as much of the inappropriate "perversions" of sexuality (by perversion, I mean in this case, an actual perversion of sexuality, as in turning sexuality into a power trip, a control mechanism etc... not in something like role playing but in something like relationship abuse).

I tend to believe strongly in these ideas because they have helped me.
Even things that seem trivial like sex columns (savage love) and those programs on vh1 and the history channel about the free love era of the 60s and 70s have had a really wonderful impact on me because they were/are people who wanted to truly be honest about their sexuality in an open way. Yeah they don't always do it in a way that is appropriate, sometimes they are mean and angry, sometimes the ideals aren't followed through with true equality (60s and 70s), but I would like to see a society that is honest and open.

No we shouldn't accept politicians who abuse their power in the office (sexual harassment -clinton etc) but we also shouldn't pretend that its abnormal or require people to step down for their extramarital affairs, unless of course they have been running around condemning others for the same offense (looking at you republicans). I dont give a fuck if a senator trys to pick someone up in an airport bathroom, I only care that this same person wont let people who practice his sexuality have the same rights as others.

"That is the Debate of 2003"

I was talking to my dad about the war and other political things. For the most part we were on the same path, but at one point he said something like "Well we know that now, but its in the past, what are we going to do with it now?"
and though I agree with him somewhat... I think its absurd for conservatives to make this "argument,"
a guy on the news just did this to a liberal commentator (thats where the headline comes from).

Smart people spent 2002 and beyond arguing how stupid the war was... but people called them traitors... now everyone realizes they were right and its "well, lets just forget about our mistake and move on." Fuck that. If the people who made the mistake haven't or even apologized yet, then it is still an issue, because only by settling the past are we able to move forward with good conscience and a clear view.

How is it that these people expect us to take them seriously if they can't admit they fucked everything up? We are supposed to continue following them, yet they lead us down the worst path possible... Fuck them. The discussion is necessary to say who was right and who we should follow now... since the others fucked up their chance.

I wrote this before my nap, but it didnt publish

Tonight I kind of feel like the only one without a date on valentines.



This weekend might be really fun or really dull... I have several plans but they don't seem to be coming together as easily as I would like. Some people have limiting schedules. Others make plans during the time that they might be able to meet up.

Part of me really likes the idea of watching some movies or playing some computer games or reading a book. But I don't want to be forced into it (by not having anything better to do).

birthday thoughts

Today went well. I will soon retire for the night with a movie or something...
I got to hear about a lot of other people's lives and that was nice even if it was brief.

A friend of mine used to always hate his birthday (maybe still does) because it reminded him how much he hadn't accomplished.
I am not feeling that way.
I'm still growing.
Maybe that is all that needs to be said.

Some of the Where’s Your Mustache? crew jam on a song John just introduced them to.

skillz

Nova and Morgan show their skillz

hidden track on Damien Rice's O

Silent night, broken night
All is fallen when you take your flight
I found some hate for you
Just for show
You found some love for me
Thinking I'd go
Don't keep me from crying to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, moonlit night
Nothing's changed
Nothing is right
I should be stronger than weeping alone
You should be weaker than sending me home
I can't stop you fighting to sleep
Sleep in heavely peace



-I always thought that line "you should be weaker than sending me home" was brilliant. Because I think inside, all of us want to believe that we have that kind of power over others... not so much because we wish harm on them, but out of our own sense of pride/ego.

This book is Amazing

I believe it is translated so it does make for a sometimes uncomfortable read, but it really sort of blows away the "rational" ideas of our society...

I might type out some excerpts later. But if you have any interest in sociology, economics, sustainable living or the environment I suggest it.

Nova sent me this

And I am very glad...
Check this site out. International Jewish Anti-Zionist Network
I keep getting really frustrated with friends (especially Jewish friends) who seem to think that in order to be Jewish one must be pro-Israel at all costs.
Its disgusting, it reminds me of Germans following the Nazis and I know thats an awful comparison, but I don't understand how you can simultaneously claim protection and self defense and righteousness because of the horror of the holocaust while committing so many of the same crimes.

Sleep was shit last night.

I think I might update that other site this weekend.
I have all these -sorta- plans, but I'm guessing I will sleep in both days, and probably watch some movies.
I made this an ugly big color for the kicks.

a post from school

Nervous energy with no where to place it: not in words, or beats or punches to a wall. Explain yourself confusion, let’s hear what you have to say. Speak it loud and clear or move on because you’re doing me no good. How about you anxiety? Think you’re a big shot? Prove it; give me something to argue with. Excitement you can stay but bring me a suggestion as to where to put you. Anger, I’m sick of you –caused by hurt and injustice and maybe a little guilt, why not make yourself productive in a less pessimistic manner.




In other news.
I need to go back to sleep so that I can think tomorrow.

Im getting really frustrated with facebook zionists

Holiday Break Photo Awards!!!!! (no editing)

Hey don't feel bad if you didn't make it into this set oh photos... sometimes I am shaky with a camera....
sorry.

best Huck with an instrument shot

best kristen looking serenely joyful

best dessa in an awkward pose shot

the grossest shot (she is rubbing his gums, jared seems more fascinated than grossed out)

best ina smile

best melissa looking like a robot or something shot

best new years cheers shot

funniest threesome

best post coitus married couple dancing shot

funniest reunion "~what?" shot

I like this photo but jessica wont.

best Kelsey looking pissed shot

Best french girl being adored shot

best french girl being aloof shot

best pete looking pete shot

best um stuff in sepia?

Best costumed music group shot

Best costumed photo

most ridiculous

best ass shot

best nature shot

Weird Light Shot

Also a weird light shot

Second best Cat shot

Best Cat Shot

Best "Me" Shot

times like this I realize that if I did have a girlfriend I'd be a lot less vocal (enraged) about my politics

I've been thinking very radically lately.

I don't know what it is.... Maybe its this thing in Gaza, where Israel (who has done this before) suddenly makes a huge power play, overthrowing a democratically elected government (Hamas) by claiming self defense. They proceed to kill at least 4-- something civilians and put hundreds (thousands?) in the hospital. They send in ground troops after bombing the cities for days... while claiming Hamas' rockets are justification.... though they haven't killed anyone. 4 Israelis have been killed since this latest outbreak. Israel 4 < 4-- Palestine. The world does nothing. The US supports Israel in these strikes. How do we claim that Iran sending a missle against Israel right now is wrong when Israel has been striking Gaza for a week?
How do we claim its justified to do this?
reporters, politicians and analysts claimed it was something like Havana hitting Miami, or Tijuana hitting San Diego, or Toronto hitting New York.... (That would be a fanfuckingtastic argument if we had any of those cities surrounded, under high level security, had cut off water, food, health services or any other kind of aid for the past few years, if we had drained the entire economy of these cities (countries) to pay for the walls that surround them and the guns that shoot them... forcing them to work at less than minimum wages to maintain our dominance.

(Oh yeah we do that)

Well I guess it is the same thing. Which is why I am against everything right now.
This country is such bullshit. The rich rule and mock us with these laws that strip away our support and protection, while giving us "tax breaks" and "tax rebates" that come out of our pockets at high interest... so that we will never fucking be able to pay it back!
So that we will work our entire lives in this corrupt system, never organizing to shake off the chains, nor demanding justice, or an end to inequality... its too important to pay back our credit card debt. We can't have health care, security, retirement, a house, children or anything... because we cant afford it.
but isn't it a right?
food, water, a safe place to sleep, a roof and walls that protect us from the elements, and education that will help us get by, medicine when we are sick, a blanket to wrap us in when we are born, a box to throw us in when we die...
is that so much to ask for in the "richest country in the history of the world?"

I hate the idea of violence, but if I organized a debt or tax boycott I'd be thrown in prison and worse no one would care.

There ought to be sit-ins in the streets and politician's offices, human barricades of the banks, armies of neighbors turning away the sheriff at every eviction...

and if not... then they ought to lose their protections. Not the middle class, but the great masters of us all who parade around in their fancy jets and foreign automobiles, their suits that cost another person's year of food, their schools that keep us out should be reduced to rubble, their tests ripped up, their credit ratings burned, their weapons taken, their prison's filled with them and their families.


or we could just keep doing this same thing till the water runs out and the wars come.

Lessons learned?

This is why your mom is always saying don't lean back in your chair.

30 bucks for laundry

I also got my room a little more organized. I'm not saying its clean or that everything is in its right place... (my desk for instance looks atrocious)

but its a start.

I need a lamp, yes there are two on that desk, but since my room only has one wall light, what I really need is a nice big room light.

Also need two new chairs. One for each desk, or one that works really well and can go back and forth between them.

I got a bag of clothes if anyone wants em.

A math problem:

I had three tasks to complete today.
but since I slept through the first, conveniently I only have two tasks now.

A) Do laundry... all of it.

B) Go to the Mel Gibson and the Pants show tonight at 9ish.


I have approximately 6 hours minus transportation time to do these things....

how much longer will I sit on my ass before I complete the first one?

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_know_youre_listening.png

I have been trying to broaden my horizons of the things I am thankful for. I think this is a good idea because very shortly I will no longer be so surrounded by homies. Already they leave, to Mexico, Colorado, Wisconsin and elsewhere...
but if there is one thing I have been most thankful for these past few weeks it would be all of them.
I have been enjoying myself, relieved and comfortable, excited and surrounded. I feel renewed and rejuvenated by the fulfillment that only seeing people in their element can bring. Its been gorgeous, even in sickness.

I'm trying to finish a 4th book by monday... I just started it today and have only read the preface and such. I think it promises to be the most depressing, anger filled piece in comparison to the others I have read.

Show Some Love

To false ceilings at restaurants that mask the air ducts and vents of the real ceiling.
Decorations and lighting at Tex Mex and Mexican restaurants, waitresses who don't speak English well, and do so in the softest of voices so as not to disturb the rowdy Americans. The seasoning on those potato wedges. The real Neapolitan Pizza at Punch that makes me a hypocrite when I say I don't like food and makes me sick within a day, but I eat it anyway. Books and books and books that remind me of my passion for learning and teaching. Jokes on philosophy, comic books, atlases and travel guides, languages and poetry, politics and advice, self help books and spiritual guides to life. "Dirt" and "Piper" and "Farmhouse" and "Sleep" songs that stand out on an already remarkable CD of beautiful songs, because they are simple and because they have heart. Spoken word poets who speak with conviction, speak with jokes and tears, speak like they love and care for more than you or I and certainly more than themselves, but for a humanity facing extinction, facing invisibility to their plight. Tires and breaks that catch when it seems like they should continue to slide. Fortunes (removed from tasty cookies) that brighten already bright days, offering hope with sincerity. Tattoos that offer glimmers into the torment and confusion of a mind that seems straightened by experience and time, that speaks with dignity in one hand and flirtation in the other. Tequila and Cerveza that loosens lips so that smiles with suburban gleaming teeth pull through, from strained grad school tightened faces. To a table rich with intelligence, luxury and camaraderie promising to learn humility with time. To angels who seem brighter every time I see her (both of them), who live and love the way it ought to be.
To shared past - and bright future masqueraded in decaying times.

How I Could Just Kill A Man

With the bombing of Gaza and just finishing up a really good graphic novel about the war in Bosnia... I am tempted to say that maybe human nature really is so fucked up that power and destruction should not be seen as the exception to the rule.

We were discussing a friend's family troubles and how specifically her family was regarding the gay marriage issue as something worth fighting against (meaning gays shouldn't marry). I get angry now. I don't feel like I need to be polite. It seems so black and white. One acknowledges the humanity of people and one doesn't, but if even reasonable people cannot be moved to see the need to acknowledge, protect and support humanity.

Maybe cleaning up the map should be seen as acceptable.
Maybe the 1.5 million people in the Gaza Strip should just be moved or killed... cuz it would be easier to let things be than to fight for something better.

I don't and won't and can't accept this.
And if I ever do, you can trust that I am dead inside.
But I wonder if war captured my home, if I would be more willing to paint my fellow human as something less... like I start to see corrupt police as the enemy, rather than part of a corrupt system...
but there is nothing easy to fight there.
There is no bombing of a military recruiting station or corrupt police office (when no one is there of course). There is no grand scheme, uprising, coup, rebellion etc its all simply more complex. More waiting, more patience, more forcing yourself to love when you want to hate, more recognizing the humanity when you want to demonize, working past anger and outrage to find mutually beneficial partnership and hope.
No clean maps. No clean homes. Complicated. Complex. Diverse and harder...

and maybe someday we could see it might be all the more beautiful for the work. A complex pattern of color and feeling, ethnicity and language, sexuality and spirituality. It could be a beautiful thing, but not simple.

late for class

I'm having more and more dreams about teaching. In the dreams I am always unprepared, hectic, chaotic shifts, the characters always have questions and concerns I cant meet (in the immediate).
In the one I just had: a new teacher asked me for a planner notebook (to keep attendance). We had just got all the students inside, they were scattered around a larger campus is gangs, intimidating the locals. We had to start class.
I was running to the backroom (storage room filled with supplies) I kept unlocking the wrong door. I couldn't find anything I was looking for... but I was trying to be helpful. The other classes seemed chaotic too, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. A former student who had his face covered by the hood of his sweatshirt, came in the backroom (which students aren't typically allowed to do unless asked) He told me a student (who I get a long with pretty well) was trying to find dirt on me in my office, I told the student to tell him to stop. If something did happen it would be between us. I finally gave up on the supplies and returned to my class 15 minutes after it had begun. One of my coworkers was letting them watch tv. The room (the library) was packed with new kids. I Immediately went up to the chalk board and tried to write down categories that they should answer on a note card or piece of paper. The chalk wouldn't write. Someone had used marker and tried to clean it up with a chemical that made the chalk not work.
1 name
2 hobbies
3 color
4 etc
5 etc
to 9... it was the most generic list. Usually we have something fun in there but I was rushed. I had to go get the video I was going to show (this was US history).
When I went into the office (the Treehouse) the student who was finding dirt on me pulled out a copy of The Doom Generation a movie I probably do own somewhere... but he claimed it was porn (I think it is unrated). He found it in the sleeve of a different movie and claimed I was trying to hide it. He was going to get me fired. I asked him what his motives for all this were. I said things like "I thought we were doing alright guy?" he had no answer. The thrill was enough I guess. I decided to let him think on it and returned to class.
On the way I was justifying why the doom generation would have such a bad rating...
"Well there is sex, but I think the violence is the reason for the rating."
The class was once again sort of chaotic, filled to the brim, eager -sort of frustrated faces.
I turned off the tv and asked a new student in the back to tell us about herself.
She attempted to, but there was talking... I couldn't hear her, I asked everyone to be quiet while we listened to the speaker. She tried again. This time one student who I have been having trouble with the past few weeks... kept talking. He wasn't talking to get attention, he was talking to piss me off. I told him he would have to leave, but gave no ultimatum. He was shirtless, it was the first time I really looked in his direction. He had a smile on his face. He said he would stay and that he was out of line. I genuinely said thank you to him (for understanding). The student who had been interrupted said "Why does he act like that?"
I wanted to defend him, but felt the tension of the previous situation still.
I used his name. I talked about how people act the way they think they need to. He walked out of class. I used my name. I said sometimes I act like I'm lazy even though when it comes down to it I'm not really a lazy person. but it serves me to act lazy because then people don't have high expectations of me that would cause me to be anxious about fulfilling them. I told her we all do this. I tried to tell the class, that they would all be upset with us, with me personally... if they felt I had misrepresented them. (we don't have bells) but the students all got up to leave... I wanted them to stay so I could reiterate that point. But they were too ready to go. A small boy with light features (ethnic white) said I misrepresented him/didn't allow him to represent himself in class.
I thought that seemed silly since none of the students ever got the introduction they deserved, but he seemed generally hurt, like this was a pattern in his life... so I just said we would try to do different in the future.

Themes, repeated images/feelings:

Unpreparedness
chaos
needing/wanting to be helpful
disruption
misrepresentation/disrespect
personal choices interfering with work (sex/violence)

The one thing I thought was interesting about the whole dream, is that I was not panicked. I was able to give a non-prepared but semi-decent answer to every question. It wasn't the answer I would have liked... but it was ok.

Welcome to this crew, you can move right?

The sun was out for a bit today, brightening everyone's drive with blinding action. The Part Tavern was full of vikings fans shouting about the littlest things. In some ways it always creeps me out (how much they are like nazis) in other ways it is cute (how much they are like kids).
I started doing my homework. A look into my backpack revealed a lot of strange and familiar items. Has it been so long? End class will be all about dealing with life. Anger, Depression, Forgiveness, Shame, not so much on how to prevent things from happening, but how best to process in order to move on and maybe see that they don't happen again. The house is clean again in case of another party. Morgan did it all... I feel slightly bad about that but also feel like it was his choice to invite everyone. I was just an innocent bystander.
Last night I had a conversation with Amy and Gabs about random things and it was amazingly nice. Then as the bar called out its last call and turned on the lights, Amy was wrapped in a black scarf that darkened her already dark hair and eyes. Gabi meanwhile was halo-d by a street lamp that made her light hair look blond and the inside light made her face shine. I was having a conversation with light and dark and neither was better or worse they were flowing and mixing and everything was comfortable.

I am reminded this week how nice it is to be surrounded by people who knew you before or as you turned into a person. They will all leave soon.


I'm leaving you early, a call to play spades.

List of things you are thankful for.

A friend of mine tried something like this a while back, don't know how she is doing on it.
Anyway, I think I need to focus on what I am thankful for again.
Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with people about how I am less impressed by things than I used to be. I was thinking about this again on the way to Sioux Falls watching the frozen landscape mozy by, it seemed vacant of anything exciting. It seemed like earth frozen with a hat made of snow. It was not vibrant, it was not good thrilling or anything else. Maybe it isn't supposed to be. Maybe winter is the time when we are supposed to take a rest from being impressed, but I feel like this is beginning to be a theme in my life and I am not comfortable with it.

When I talked to Becky about it, I said "I think I over exposed myself to the world too soon, so now everything is less impressive." I feel like that may have been part of the problem... but I also feel like maybe I am too comfortable, or too ungrateful to truly dwell on the things that bring pleasure rather than brush them off.

We could go into all the reasons I don't like to get my hopes up... but that is a different post.

Anyway... there have been times in my life when I was super depressed and super unexcited (maybe over stimulated) but I was able to find hope in the smallest things just by sitting down and focusing on them. So I am going to try to do that a little bit more and maybe that will lead to more positive, excited thoughts.

Otherwise I fear I will be an old man who has grown tired of life by the time I am thirty.
I also think this may alleviate some of my insecurities, giving credit to the normal is a pretty powerful thing for example just saying "yes I am insecure about(this) but isn't that pretty interesting?" kind of makes me reexamine and be impressed by things rather than just feel the dread.


Am I alone in this?

I don't think I am, but sometimes I think I become a little extreme. For instance Steve and Pete were talking about how they don't really care about video games anymore, aren't impressed and don't care. Both these guys used to spend years of their lives in front of the screen.
Steve even said he doesn't really like playing basketball anymore. WOW


I still like drawing and painting. I still like concerts even if I don't seem like I am as into them as I used to be. I am often thinking of a hundred thousand things and get distracted.
I used to put my hair down and not care. Now I can't because someone else is always there.


Things I am thankful for:
Vick's vapor rub and Ricola
- I think the heavy regiment of menthol and mints and all that has really added to my sickness... Sometimes mint can be irritating to my stomach too.
I am happy that these ricola, though weird at first, are a soothing alternative to the Halls. Once you have one or two, they start tasting exotic and sweet -what is "herb" flavor? and yes I know that there is menthol in these too... but it doesnt seem as irritating.

Friendly competition
In high school we used to play spades during study hall (the one I had in all of high school). It was a group of people I wouldn't call friends, but certainly not unfriendly... except during study hall. Maybe it was the fact that I was dating one of the dude's ex girlfriend... or that my friend had done shit with the other one's sister... but my partner and I were continuously being taunted and dissed and I quickly came to understand that I would never win and never leave feeling good. Normally I have been able to throw off these comments without much regard, but for some reason in that study period it did not happen. Spades is a rough game.
Last night we played. My first time since I was 17-8 and though it got heated, pete was pretty irritated with me and zach being so new to the game (I was relearning), it was still rather fun.

Little Tijuana at 2 Am...
Thanks for being open... For having hosts and waitresses who always seem pissed off but let their guard down occasionally with a smirk or a half smile. Their eyes outlined with midnight, spitting fire, spirited doms who like characters but wont let it show. Oh and also the food is always good enough and the multicolored lights let me know I have left the cold streets of Minneapolis for a moment, sunk into some random dudes acid trip in shitty glorified blackmarket sex ridden Tijuana.

Thats enough for now. I have to buy TP, Paper Towels, Drain Cleaner and maybe carpet cleaner?

I am still sick! (no secret messages)

I don't know how to get over this cold. It seems like I stuff cough drops and water down my throat to the point where I had the hiccups 5 times yesterday and my stomach felt on fire all night.
It makes it hard to sleep, because my mouth becomes dry and painful on a whim. The cough and sneezes are reluctant to leave. I occasionally get aches and occasionally feel like a snowy mn outdoors is the best temperature to be in because its too damn hot. Anyway... I'm sick, and it sucks. And I keep hugging people and every one seems like they are going to get sick... but they dont. just me.

Elephant Stampede

I am very happy for the influx of friends from a far. But the table and floor are sticky with beer, the garbage and recycling are all overflowing. The Blankets are dirty. Everything seems out of place and unsanitary.
We aren't picking up gift wrapping, just used paper towels. The Christmas cookies are crumbles on the hardwood floor. Everything smells vaguely of herbs, brews or Little Tijuana.
The after party doesn't seem to have been earth friendly cuz some people don't know we vigorously recycle.

So a couple days ago, some high school friends decided to have a gathering/party at my house, Which is awesome by the way.
But then I got sick. So basically I have spent most of the last two days in bed trying to get better.
I can tell its working. But I am worried that it wont be enough.
I would like to see my friends with a smile on my face, but I'm worried I will be grumpy.

Many of them are flying in and are only here for a few days.

we should learn this cover

original

so

So somehow I got really sick in the last 24 hours. I'm not tossing my cookies, but I feel really achy and sore throat and all that cold jazz...
I just got over this shit. I do not want to deal with it again.
I'm trying to go see friends tonight, but I cant concentrate and every movement sort of sucks.
I blame Cosette cuz she sounds too prissy.

mary motherfuckin allen

"the term "masculinity crisis" is redundant. masculinity is a crisis."

this might sound bizarre, but how does one lose one of those kinds of toys... I mean, shouldn't one know where it might be. seriously.

talkin bout my generation

This is approximately what I will look like when I don't have teeth anymore. Then I will get some kick ass fake teeth like George Washington or John Frusciante.

the rain it always starts when you go away.

So.... me and Morgan and Kelsey B are headed to dinner and drinks with our jr high english teacher. My keyboard is slightly off so I keep hitting the wrong keys. I don't type the way you are supposed to but I still have some understanding of where the keys are. Like for instance I am not looking right now, but I am only using two or three fingers.

Last night I saw A Night in the Box. It was a good show, but they were having some technical problems. Kailyn was really on but I noticed for the first time that one of her parts is very similar to a Mu Maker part. I don't know if that is accidental, coincidental or just because there are some regular things one would do with a violin.

Pete is in town.
I saw Illy and Lacey and Emily and Martha the other day, I miss them.
It made me really happy just to be there even though it was an awkward context and the service wasn't the greatest.

No big thoughts or expectations.

I am going to Sioux Falls soon to hang with my gramps. Me and Steve are going to be there for a few days I guess. Then home for X mas, but there wont really be presents because we are donating. I haven't really bought any presents, or made anything. I think I should probably hop to that.
James came over the other night, it was really different but really really good. Then I got worried about him walking the mean streets of the MiniApple so late at night... and he left his grape water here.


In other news, your fly is open, you better check that.

These guys do really good frusciante covers

plus the singing guy is kind of cute in this video.

Someone very close to my heart posed a question tonight, not so much in words but with out saying anything as is often their custom.

What should one pursue?

What they are good at? What they believe in? What they do(professionally), what they do(no-professionally), love, relationships, advancement, education? etc

I think the weight is overwhelming. At one point I felt it was hard to breathe while just thinking about it. Of course in this situation they were choosing between more limited but none the less important options.

It also hit me for the first time, a glorious celebration of day really, that I may lose this person, not because of what they do-but the overwhelming stress and weight of the way in which they do it. I didn't share that with them, for I'm not quite sure its time, but at some point we all need to rest.

Paranoid With a Gat

So yesterday went well. No kids kicked out (except those who didn't bother to show up). The overnight was kind of pathetic. About 2/3 of the students went to sleep by 3ish. Which meant me and a couple of rascals and 1 other teacher talking. We were short staffed so I guess that was probably for the best.

In other news, I was gonna check out a show tonight, but Laurel couldn't and it provided opportunity to go see Illy and her friend Martha who is in town. I met this girl in France a few years ago, we are headed to Chino Latino... I have never eaten there.

I am hoping to have enough time to hang out with everyone and not neglect people who I have been neglecting... but so far shit seems busy.

Me and Shultzie went to Benihana and it was awesomely tasty ... then I read this doctoral thesis this guy did on a study I participated in. It was pretty interesting but took a few hours.
Then I napped and here I am... smelling like toothpaste and listening to the "Bonne Refinery"
Hit me up, I can stay up late for a few weeks.

So... uh yeah... the big day is tomorrow.
Fun, overnight.

I went to an interesting Swedish movie with Fairchild today. it was about vampires and being an awkward 12 year old. Sort of slow, but also sort of charming. Made me want to be a 12 year vampire in love.

I smiled a lot.

Break is coming.

Today at work a student put a picture of me on every computer. I know this was a joke, but in some ways I was kind of flattered.

I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, because I may have to kick some students out for a trimester if they fuck up. yea!

In other news.... something about something.

So I haven't done a certain thing I usually do on the daily for a week now. In some ways it feels really good, because I'm actually not freaking out. I thought I would be having all sorts of side effects... but generally I am just as happy/productive. I am also getting to sleep and occasionally having fascinating dreams.
I'm not sure what this means for the future. The one thing I see as a major setback is the random excitement that I used to be able to fill my time with. I can't say that I haven't sought it out in other ways, but I am not obsessing like normal. I read, I listen to music, I watch movies, I sleep.

One of the reasons I am doing this is because it has been bothering me with work. I feel sometimes like a hypocrite and also like people would look down on me. I also worry sometimes that I might be randomly grouped into something that my jeopardize my job, which would be heart breaking to me.
Another reason, is that I sometimes wonder if I am getting my needs met in the wrong ways. I think I need to seek out more human attention and contact. I also need to push myself to meet new people... and hopefully some of this nervous energy can be rerouted into trying new things.

This may all fail this weekend, or later tonight... but for now. I am sort of proud of myself. Breaking habits.

Personally, I dont think my room should be so cold that I have to wrap a blanket around my frozen self to keep warm.

Maybe thats just me.


This week:
Well, yesterday I went home with a headache so bad that I could barely move or think or see. It sucked. I hid myself under blankets and hoped that it would go away... it did eventually but I got something like 12 hours of sleep yesterday and the day before.

Today at work I tried to get a bunch of shit done so that everything is ready for the overnight and for break.
Our school is running, but seems to stumble every few days... and I don't know if its anything we can help, but we are trying.
Everyone is ready for break. But first the holiday overnight. I'm worried about the person I have to secret santa for. We haven't been getting along lately. Anyway.... I guess the staff has to make a dinner for all the students... this seems complicated when we are also trying to set up the whole school, prepare for gift giving, make sure kids have permission slips and shit.
It's hectic to work with a bunch of nicotine addicted teens who don't want to be there.

I don't know when I am going to Sioux Falls, but I am pretty sure that is happening.
I also don't know what I am going to see all of you... Many people will have a longer break than I... but several people are only in town for a few days... so trying to sneak them in... and with this weather I'm not sure I will see anyone.
I am sure there will be a crash outside my window at some point this winter... and me and the cat will watch.

I guess I don't have anything to say... thanks to those of you who have posted interesting things on your blogs lately. Keeps me in touch... though I am a recluse.

Also thanks for the comments.

Sometimes I fear, other times take solace in the idea that the phrase could be written on my tomb stone, to accurately depict my life, it would read "Not that I couldn't, I just never did."

John Wayne Gacy Jr.

first off, if you have never heard of John Wayne Gacy Jr... look him up quick. Now if you want to be creeped out in a beautiful way, watch this video and read the lyrics. (The last verse, I think is important)



Artist: Sufjan Stevens

Title: John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

Album: Illinois

His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's T-shirts
When the swingset hit his head
The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things
Rotting fast in their sleep of the dead
Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God

Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a sleight of his hand
Running far, running fast to the dead
He took of all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips
Quiet hands, quiet kiss
On the mouth

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid



On the way home from a really sort of awful/good/weird situation at work...
I thought about all the horrible things we people have done (continue to do) in search of what is normal or in search of feeling good about ourselves. Torture of the body, mind and spirit...(self and other) to make a person feel positive about themself. Even more, these behaviors, because they are taboo yet pervasive, lead to bad habits and addictions, unhealthy obsessions. Yet what else can we do in a society in which we are told that everything is shameful.
-because we hurt, we hurt others and so on, and none of us ever get better.

Is the solution talking? or doing? giving up the unhealthy action, or talking about it openly so the need goes away?

I always make the case for talk.

movies are amazing

I really fucking love movies... they are amazing...

I'm watching this movie called "Things We Lost in the Fire"
I have never met this character... the character doesn't exist. But I cry when his friend and wife remember him.
The lighting, the look in their eyes, the music, the right visual -tears.

I still love frusciante

also...





I think this is glorious

This aint no soundtrack to a shipwreck, and you were commenting on how the snow was such a lovely shade of violet

"Smallest Skyline" really is a beautiful song even if it doesn't necessarily make sense. You kind of get it either way.
I kind of feel that way about every TPC song.


I was doing some reading, through archives.
Some thoughts I had:
I write much more clearly than I used to, which isn't saying much because I seem to have always written in slang and using some sort of accent.
I am far too vague in almost every post.
I seem to always be fairly self deprecating and anxious.
I seem to have been much more driven by emotions a few years ago.
I also seemed more innocent (at least this is my reading of it now, I'm sure at the time I thought I was advanced as ever).
I have a bad habit of not giving credit for quotes etc.
Along with general vagueness I also rarely explain the topic, person of interest, etc.
I need to add a lot more color, pictures and videos, but rather than doing them in series as I often do, I need to mix it up. Keep things crazy.
I have linked to a lot of things that no longer exist.
I rarely explained what a link was to, in the past, usually giving it some strange name -not really hinting at anything even closely related.
I seem to have completely different interests/passions right now, in comparison to the past.


This leads me to a few things.

A) Friendships, I don't know what to say about his, but I remember getting a lot out of friendships in the past -as if they were my entire world, and now I feel like they are just part of my world. This relates to
B) I think I have completely forgotten what it is like to be in a relationship. The feeling of having your life firmly involved in anothers'. I no longer spend my days having conversations with anyone in particular in my head.
C) I wonder if these things will return?

-my parents seemed really strange to me when I was young, because they didn't see their friends very often. I always wondered how they were satisfied seeing them once a week or once a month... sometimes we wouldn't hear about a particular friend for years. This seemed strange, because who doesn't have friends?
Later I realized that for many, this need is satisfied by a relationship/a partner.
Still I wondered how they balanced everything...
Now I feel more and more like I understand. (I'm old I guess)


I sometimes wonder where my passion for people went.
Most often I think about this in the context of crushes and things... because I don't get them as often... it used to be that any new person I met would rock my world.... some how between the college and the travels and the work and the relationships I get a lot less thrill out of the everyday joy of meeting and getting to know people. Which saddens me.

Still I see some hope for its return when I reconnect with old friends, or have strange 2 hour conversations with jr high teachers I haven't seen or talked to in 11 years.

So where do I stand?

Just dandy I guess...

Today I wrote a quick poem about gay rights.
A spoken word/hip hop artist presented to a class and I sat in. He asked us to take any topic we were interested in and write about it for a few minutes.
I think school is going better, though I am sick. It has ups and downs, but we are handling it, quicker and with less personal weight.


I have not fallen from a cliff.

Argh

I keep wanting to write a new post, but every time I come here I watch that video and think its too perfect to be removed from the top spot. This is me forcing it.
Plus Neil Patrick Harris is amazing and I want to have his babies.

Doomtree Blowout tonight. I hope I have some energy.

I'm reading a graphic novel on the war in Bosnia and I wish I had read it before I went there. And its brilliant, and it makes me work on my Bosnian pronunciation, I never work on shit like that when I am not out of the country.

this is the best thing i have seen in a while

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

I know you are sick of music videos... well fuck it

PHISH "MOUND" my version of this song skips... but I love it.

From the very beginning of the song, they start one intro, then go right into a different one... its like they are competing with themselves and then it all comes together... this video isn't interesting, sing a long to the lyrics... I highlighted the best part for you... for you! (Honestly with the sound quality of their voices, u kind of need to sing along).



The old man knows very well
Going down by the snowbank, there’s a mound
A mound that an old man knows good
Look who raises his shoe all over this mound
Right over the world that’s another rewind

And it’s time, time, time for the last rewind
For a broken old man and a world unkind
He buried all his memories of home
In an icy clump that lies beneath the ground

No one knows how far he traveled
Oh! I heard he walked miles from the little mound
Can he find some shelter?
He doesn’t know to behold what the cold frost can do
And at last till he realized he’d circled back around
Round a back circle, round a back realized

Ice is all he was made of
The bitter blue, and frozen through
He went over to the mound
Reclining down his final thoughts
Were drifting to the time this life had shined

im so hungry, but I dont have anything to eat... so if i get something to eat i wont be in bed till 1:00 at the earliest, and if i dont i will be starving and energy deprived in the morning...
sucks

Im sorry if this pissed anyone off, its just me venting frustration.

I realized in a conversation tonight, that all these years of having friends who have slipped into forms of substance abuse have really created a strong bias.
Some of you are saying "yeah, no shit mike" right now... but I think its a lot more powerful than what I show. I think I get very dismissive and full of contempt... not because drugs themselves are so bad, but because I have seen so many people throw parts of their life away, some of the best qualities, and sometimes our relationship because they slipped into substance abuse.
I say slipped in, because no one is ever aware when they do it... and that's what is so scary. None of them think they are doing anything abnormal. It goes from having a good time to needing in less time than anyone can see. I worry when people get defensive about it, I worry when people do it alone, when they are down or when they are up. I worry when its become your life.
I worry that I cant trust your motives or feelings, which makes me feel I cant put my faith or support in you.
All these years have really gotten to me.