Monday, December 29, 2008

late for class

I'm having more and more dreams about teaching. In the dreams I am always unprepared, hectic, chaotic shifts, the characters always have questions and concerns I cant meet (in the immediate).
In the one I just had: a new teacher asked me for a planner notebook (to keep attendance). We had just got all the students inside, they were scattered around a larger campus is gangs, intimidating the locals. We had to start class.
I was running to the backroom (storage room filled with supplies) I kept unlocking the wrong door. I couldn't find anything I was looking for... but I was trying to be helpful. The other classes seemed chaotic too, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. A former student who had his face covered by the hood of his sweatshirt, came in the backroom (which students aren't typically allowed to do unless asked) He told me a student (who I get a long with pretty well) was trying to find dirt on me in my office, I told the student to tell him to stop. If something did happen it would be between us. I finally gave up on the supplies and returned to my class 15 minutes after it had begun. One of my coworkers was letting them watch tv. The room (the library) was packed with new kids. I Immediately went up to the chalk board and tried to write down categories that they should answer on a note card or piece of paper. The chalk wouldn't write. Someone had used marker and tried to clean it up with a chemical that made the chalk not work.
1 name
2 hobbies
3 color
4 etc
5 etc
to 9... it was the most generic list. Usually we have something fun in there but I was rushed. I had to go get the video I was going to show (this was US history).
When I went into the office (the Treehouse) the student who was finding dirt on me pulled out a copy of The Doom Generation a movie I probably do own somewhere... but he claimed it was porn (I think it is unrated). He found it in the sleeve of a different movie and claimed I was trying to hide it. He was going to get me fired. I asked him what his motives for all this were. I said things like "I thought we were doing alright guy?" he had no answer. The thrill was enough I guess. I decided to let him think on it and returned to class.
On the way I was justifying why the doom generation would have such a bad rating...
"Well there is sex, but I think the violence is the reason for the rating."
The class was once again sort of chaotic, filled to the brim, eager -sort of frustrated faces.
I turned off the tv and asked a new student in the back to tell us about herself.
She attempted to, but there was talking... I couldn't hear her, I asked everyone to be quiet while we listened to the speaker. She tried again. This time one student who I have been having trouble with the past few weeks... kept talking. He wasn't talking to get attention, he was talking to piss me off. I told him he would have to leave, but gave no ultimatum. He was shirtless, it was the first time I really looked in his direction. He had a smile on his face. He said he would stay and that he was out of line. I genuinely said thank you to him (for understanding). The student who had been interrupted said "Why does he act like that?"
I wanted to defend him, but felt the tension of the previous situation still.
I used his name. I talked about how people act the way they think they need to. He walked out of class. I used my name. I said sometimes I act like I'm lazy even though when it comes down to it I'm not really a lazy person. but it serves me to act lazy because then people don't have high expectations of me that would cause me to be anxious about fulfilling them. I told her we all do this. I tried to tell the class, that they would all be upset with us, with me personally... if they felt I had misrepresented them. (we don't have bells) but the students all got up to leave... I wanted them to stay so I could reiterate that point. But they were too ready to go. A small boy with light features (ethnic white) said I misrepresented him/didn't allow him to represent himself in class.
I thought that seemed silly since none of the students ever got the introduction they deserved, but he seemed generally hurt, like this was a pattern in his life... so I just said we would try to do different in the future.

Themes, repeated images/feelings:

Unpreparedness
chaos
needing/wanting to be helpful
disruption
misrepresentation/disrespect
personal choices interfering with work (sex/violence)

The one thing I thought was interesting about the whole dream, is that I was not panicked. I was able to give a non-prepared but semi-decent answer to every question. It wasn't the answer I would have liked... but it was ok.

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