I posted the following sometime in september, wrote it a while before. yesterday while reading for my women's studies class i found it to be quite interpretative about how men feel about women. not so much admitted or even in the individual's reality but rather as a culture dominated by men who instill this sort of education on people. (im talking about the quoted section)



Simplicity ran around, wild through the streets, lifting her skirt and showing young boys the wonders of nature, then running away before they could leap on it. I suppose in this I both loved and worried about her. Spent constant hours trying to find her in the dead of night, summer and winter alike, putting off piles of homework, studies, and all they said I would need in life just to find her gentle arms. They taught the nature of taming the temptress, progress was her tears, her screams against the slavery the feeling of guilt we would have instilled in her.

"Shame her, disgrace her, watch as she draws ever closer to you in civility and abandons her pagan beliefs. The crow and squirrel drones to the coin, the light of a shiny new car catches the eye of any passing deer. Make simplicity say "dear" to you and you have simplicity caught and bound and never to let go, and the captured bird will be well worth the struggle the fight for her. Buy simplicity a drink but make her sip next to you in the bar, instead of wandering the streets of night. That way you wont have to worry, wont struggle anymore, wont find yourself in rage and jealousy wont find displeasure in the pleasure of those who have chained her. Or spend the night in madness looking for her in the jungle, the alley, the bathroom at the tavern, the couch of your cousin's mate. Spit up your food in Lhasa, Jerusalem, she wont find your spirituality smooth at all. She finds farming hysterically funny, camping in the woods a mysterious self made hardship. Your fisherman's village and quiet desert town, lose their charm too quick to keep her there long. Your idealism is hell, if happiness is found with her, than make her your whore. Taint and devour, toss when its old or less of flavor and buy a new one."

Yet as she dances across the street, this nymph who is so unafraid of yellow taxis. Who's warmth turns each little hair on every man and woman's skin so gently to her, like fall flowers in the sun grasping for one more spring time fling. She with stamina so great all young poets and adventurers have to stop for breath a dozen times during the chase, all to give up for the night, lonely and cold. She who's beauty alone brings joy, and anger, and exhaustion, and pride, and embarrassment, and all the world's feelings combined in a second, who leaves one smiling and crying and frustrated night after night. As I see her escape me again, above all these thoughts and feelings, is the passion the desire to keep going, the urge to live on. In the pleasure of pursuit one can learn to love all the things that give him the strength to pursue. She shows you the life of the world with each passing glance as she guides you through it, her warmth its love, her freedom its true beautiful state.

**************************************************
also while looking for this i was struck with the beauty of several other things i have written... i wonder where that went.


I was talking to becky and told her i think i dont blog as much cuz i bitch and moan and get excited and rant to her rather than this audience.

either way i will try to write more. and call some folks. aimee i was on break so i didnt get ur message until yesterday and then fell asleep, maybe tonight eh?

My dad and I went to perkins for a last minute breakfast before i went back to morris. He wrote a check for the food and as we were walking out the man asked "your name is ha--ar?"
Yea
"mine is the same"
he then told us how he changed it to hager (a common spelling, but originally it was hajjar as ours was) this is was interesting.

He asked us about our family, where we came from, when.

Lebanon, early 19teens, to south dakota. we asked about his. lebanon early 1900s north dakota. with intermittant return trips. (he was born in lebanon, came to the US 15 years ago)
some more chat
my dad couldnt remember what city we were from and he was later so we ran off. My dad joked "maybe you should have me over for some lebanese cooking." (he had said that they still cooked) the guy was about to write down the number, when my dad walked out. (i thought it was really sad that my dad (being a full american now) wouldnt take the guy up on it cuz americans arent really friendly. blah blah blah

strange though

i told my dad i had been wondering when we lost our culture. my great grandma came here when she was 14 and I didnt know i was lebanese (or what that was) until i was probably like 12.

tomorrow about half the shit in my house (or more) is going to the new house it st. paul. I dont know how i feel about that


we went to colorado, i think becky had a good time and i certainly had a lot of fun. we painted pete's bar all crazy like, i got some pictures so that will be fun. the ride home sucked balls, too long and too tired.

im sposed to be relaxing now since i have to help move early manana.

this break has gone by way quick.



this summer there will be no one around and that will suck

we goin to CO

i got the digital camera

i got new license plates

i got a brand new bag

i wear my sun glasses at night

tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break, i have one class, and a paper for another class. on the syllabus for the class with the paper, it says turn in paper no dicussion, lecture, quiz, or homework. This leads me to believe there is no class. so i will not be attending.

me and becky are planning on going to see pete. Nick and foulkes were supposed to go as well, but dont have any cash. This is typical of them, last minute drop out. Somewhat disappointing. I have been playing civ here, and watching late night episodes of south park online.

I worry i will get frustrated with becky on the trip and be mean to her, causing disfunction. this is not typical of me being around her for long periods of time, but rather me being frustrated with people when around them for long periods of time. she is a person. i worry.


We are trying to come up with some way of discussing issues that relate to women, such as and specifially body image problems. This is in the hopes of starting some regular discussion but we all fear it will go up in flames.

i feel tired, i feel like im a robot right now.

hmmm some cats including my girl are starting a step squad.

im looking forward to down time at home, after boulder.

zach galifianakis

i suck at updating its been like a week right?

lets see, went to to jazz concerts, had a couple of all nighters, went to alexandria to see the passion of the christ, which i didnt like. almost got kicked out of a perkins. Thinking of buying a digital. everyone is on that time of the month. went to a couple of concerts this weekend, the local bands, including a band tim is in, they are pretty cool. dont sound anything like mu maker but remind me of them when in concert cuz there are like 9 guys and they have a good time on stage.

hmmm civ 3 has become the latest obsession on my floor, which i have of course been encouraging, but uh i dont have the means to play here yet. i can say for a fact i am the best player so far

monkeys r us

I dont really know what to say, im sort of weird right now, but uh i should say what i been up to. So lets see its been almost a week. Last friday night we went to st. cloud to see nick howard and that was cool. Got to see some of his art work, even talked politics and revolution for a bit. that night me and becky watched a movie, and chilled.

The next day i saw gabs and elizabeth which was really nice, but i sort of felt like i was being a little bit mean and depressing and too talkative. They seemed like they had fun, are doing stuff with their lives and shit. nice to hear from em. that night me and becky went out to eat and watched some more movies. it was valentines and i had gotten her some stuff, including flowers where i met a really interesting lady. she stressed individuality. I figure i got that in my bag already or if not then at least been through it.

sunday i went out to lunch with chris d who seems to be getting his life together one day at a time but doing better. it was nice to talk to him though we didnt have much to say.

tonight we saw the vagina monologues a nice entertaining way to hear and see some of the stuff we talk about in my women studies class twice a week. becky had a hard time with some of it.

Kristen played and it was wonderful, though didnt sound the same, she was singing mostly higher pitched songs. really amazing, i was smiling a big ass grin. i couldnt tell which songs were her's, i thought the last one sounded like a song tim wrote many years ago. she was really funny, and the crowd loved her. its so nice to see her do stuff like that, its beautiful, its the stuff i've been wanting her to do for years and she seemed excited to do it, so thats really great.

its been a really weird day. discussing violence and horrible crimes, and hearing some good and some horrible stories, even though i have heard them before (read the book twice)

hmmm i still dont know what this feeling is, a seriousness and a sadness. knowing and wishing for better

I often have things i want to talk about but lack the excitement or whatever to do it. this is a problem. I like being a chill person, being comfortable, being relaxed and forgiving when necessary, but i do not like the other side of that at all. No energy, no explosions of feeling. rants but not as often as should be

there is a video game character with the same name as me, so i will never be famous. if u look up my name u get video games.

we're all in the bathtub now making bathtub gin

i been reading michael moores dude wheres my country, its a little bit more boring and repetitive then im used to from him but it seems with many authors stories end up sounding alike.

Im purposefully not doing my reading right now...

hey u wanna hear something mean i did? well helped to do. so there is this cool cat named troy on my floor, but troy is a bit of a nerd and actually hes quite selective of who he will date, meanin he hasnt had a lady yet, until this week. So they are in there and as we casually pass by his door (its just slightly open) the lights are off, the smooth music is in the air, and we hear what sounds like um me making out with my arm. so anyway we all start laughing, and then i remember the reason i bought that orgasm key chain (it makes noises like a woman having an orgasm) and we decide to attach it to his door and hit the button. Then we run and hide, cuz we are little kids and its like 2 am, and we are being stupid. anyway after hiding from troy for like 20 mins and letting him cool down, i finally tell troy it was me, and then we play halo together. Yeah thats anti climatic.

uh lets see what else, to ills and aimee, i hope this lauren thing is getting better. es a hard life sometimes.

pig tails are the ultimate hair do.

valentines is coming up, we are gonna go see nick (dj how odd) howard on friday, we use to write poetry together and he drew me cool pictures on my yearbooks. kids mad cool so hopefully tings will be aight.

hold me closer tiny dancer

and if u feel the way i do sugar, come on come on, lets get it on...

i highly recommend yahoo launch for all ur music computer listening needs

tim mentioned a little while ago that all those mp3.com sites are dead and will never live again, so i will probably change that eventually

its discussion day, i skipped two of my classes and uh we may be going to planned parenthood later, (no reason, just fun) yeah thas right we get bored

ever wake up at like the end of a night? this keeps happening, due i assume to the 2 hours of sleep i get each night, i keep falling asleep at like 5-6 and waking up later.
tonight it was like 6, meaning i missed the battle of the bands, dinner, lap dance lessons, and a host of other shit before i woke up at 2:30 when everyone was either passing out or about to go watch a boring movie. This sucks. plus im fairly sure i was crabby to becky, and now shes probably mad, considering i was spose to do half that stuff with her. So yeah...

tomorrow i get to wake up at 9 again instead of a normal saturday hour so i can go to some stupid retreat thing and learn how to do a service learning project. wow. i didnt have dinner. nothing is open. i have little to no food.
i wish i could go back to sleep but it was one of those "wake up cuz ur done sleeping" things

I want to have arguments with several of my teachers...

Cody is in the house. (he broke his ankle, and uh well jumping down the stairs is not cool.

im in a girls room, three chicas and a cody, sitting around gossiping.

hmmm. things been kind of slow. becky is in a philosophy class and she was asking me about some god related stuff. um we had a big religious conversation last night. like 6 people and a couple watching. ummm morris is not the pot capital of minnesota. morris is too small we will be bored this weekend.

a few days ago i burned myself on the floor lounge (while making a pizza) a min ago i hit that exact spot on the edge of the desk. I think something is trying to tell me i should cut off my arm.

my mother has been making a big deal out of calling her for like a week now. I finally get a hold of her and she tells me shit she could have said in an e mail easy.

Food service got a d- tonight. It was shite mate.

i gotta do my homework, shower get out of this pissy mood.

Aimee said something about wanting me to write that she had forgiven me for being an asshole or something, but i fell asleep before writing another post and then couldnt remember exactly what the quote she would have had me write was...

i wanna sing in the shower, but eh damien rice is too quiet, slow paced, and thats what we're listening to right now....



"somethings in life may change and somethings stay the same......like time"

And the king is in his court, counting all his diamonds, one by one they do fall... all powerful giants and their persuasion doesnt change the laws of gravity. Spend their time resting by rivers and finding alternative methods through meditation and I think I should too. Seeking, chasing as they say, calling out for a card to complete the set. Infinite space and exploration can start in a desk drawer, closet cases, the apathetic call it mind disgracing. Simple thoughts answers and questions, comments on existence yours mine I ME MY YOU seem cold tonight. You seem wanting. I seem departing and with it i think of subtle visions of jungles and swinging, open doors and find the same cold interiors made by the constant wind and the open windows, we could and should and would but we choose to keep open or maybe its our experiences and advisors. Short jokes comment on possibilities we never took. I seem in need of revolution, i seem in need cuz i feel satisfied.

(this hasnt anything to do with anyone but myself, no worries mate)

I got a big mouth, still i never say whats important.

"You see 'cause that stone fell through my pocket
and that lock of hair flew away with the wind
If you chance to meet upon either
well you know where they've been
but don't pick them up or try to find me
they're much happier to be on their own
beauty like that knows no home
and then if you take a look, a look down the road
you'll see a badger and a one eyed toad
they won't say a word they'll just look at you
with that wise look of the old"


I have become somewhat bitter and i suck, someone should knock me down. This political shit especially been getting to me. I wonder how such intelligent influential people can sit and do nothing or worse do what they know to be wrong.

"Halls worn capturing the doubt" (i think)


hmm the days are long now that the cold has taken over and some of us feel like convincing random strangers that the world is overflowing and time is captured in moments no longer than the nail on your pinky finger but this is all subordinate to the ideal of space growing and that universe better keep expanding cuz our egos need room for prancing dancing cosmic whirl pools gathering in motion almost overflowing so chance to stop it with a notion that the great balloon can collapse, and when it does there may not be a relapse

fuckin around u know, i dont know what to tell ya, the weekend is pretty empty. the democratic shit starts manana, and my older brother and several others are on he verge of collapsing. Sad all these people put in so much effort and gain really nothing. Still they say its better to try.

reinforce everything...

We as a floor said goodbye to several cats last semester and though i've seen some around the campus its hard to keep from mentioning the impact on our lives, simple stories in remembrance.

Half the Vacancy filled by three new cats. Cody maxine and john. All quite different, adds to the atmosphere. Nice to meet new cats and such.

Its good to be back, sleeping reading getting to know somebody and rockin out in the showers with a suitable audience few feet of concrete away.

the dr at health services pushes pills like i push candy. Told me to ease up on the caffeine. I crack one open as i write.
Its just nice to see the personalities.

My classes seem to be mon w f 9th grade civics with emphasis on newspaper coverage of politics. repeated sociology by a teacher im not impressed with. then history i already know.

tuesday thursday i hav women studies the only male in a class of thirty plus. and i dropped first aid so i wouldnt have to wake up so early.

becky seems to be cool with some of her classes. happy about spanish and philosophy, good times, shes studying up on the religion and its fun to talk to her about it. hmm thinking i need better food and a better attitude on exercise.

thinking about my friends at their respective places, hoping they doin ok.

Hi im here with lots of time and no rhyme



no thoughts and a slight need for past remembrances upon this eve of the eve of a leaving.

my being goes out to you, all of you, but dont be shy to personalize.




I wonder how people comment on me to others in their lives. like past friends, i tell about everyone how could i not? and i expect u do too, so how do we describe eachother?

bowling
we went bowling, i fucked it up. mas cats and a time limit. Curtesy of morgana

Food
the chef at morgans work is obviously too cool for us. and hes even royalty.

photos
its a hard arrangement and the girl hooks me up but then i back down. and living conditions dont improve none, still surrounded by cameras. Natasha never answers her phone.

car
its cold out, why would anyone want to look at a car tonight?
I was supposed to take it to the car place, but slept in. Grants cousin or uncle or something Tom whos a pretty nice guy is coming over.

Some recent events show me: since the only reason to be pissed off in the first place is cuz ur concerned (meaning love) why act pissed? only strains the relationship more. Concern is a noble sentiment. show the person u love them.

yo yo yo.... it's becky. mike's showerin. i gotta say, i've had a lovely time meeting all of mike's friends over break. i kinda don't want to go back to school now cuz i had so much fun, but i kinda do, ya know? it's weird though, because i haven't even known you guys for long but i'm still sad that i'm leavin, probly because yous guys are so fuckin cool and friendly. anyway, i hope you have fun back at school and have a good semester and what not. i'll see yall tonight, we're going to applebees for mike's birthday! and remember, you are the ones who are the ballickers, ya crazy scalliwags. keep in touch, call us at morris, we'll be bored.

my comp game today (im excited but i dont like have time to play)


as we were leaving for sledding petes mom yelled "be careful!" I thought that was hilarious.


wild game on tonight and it doesnt appeal


I think were doing morgan's hotel party for new years.


Atmosphere has a video seemingly in heavy rotation on mtv2 it was weird like 3 times in 2 hours. Its kinda interesting. Apparently this last cd has come out on epitaph with the rhymesayers label so maybe warp tour ?

im still really sick. I was thinkign ti was a good thing i got sick during the time i was gone, cuz i wasnt gonna get to see anyone anyway but now that im back and feel just as sick its not very fun to miss great adventures with friends.
I feel real bad for Aimee cuz she was all excited to get people to go to the big wu show and now it doesnt seem like anyone is goin. (im way too sick) I did want to go though. Just wouldnt be smart.

I think im gonna go to the doc manana.

I was supposed to shave after first semester and i still think i will before second but i really havent had the energy. its been the same way with certain presents i was planning on making. I had at least three ideas for cool art things to make for becky but i cant get myself to even lift a marker right now.

Last night i was feeling better (after sleeping all day, and taking a bunch of medicine) we went out to find food (couldnt find any) went to the last samurai at edina. Good movie, a little long, lots of cool history stuff. It struck me as having a very similar plot to dances with wolves (a movie im quite fond of)

Im seriously thinking about taking some more meds, cuz this shit hasnt kicked in yet.

I havent had much of an apetite. I think i will go eat some soup now, but like half way through i just cant keep eating.

I have been having a lot of stomach problems too. maybe i have an ulcer. I think my hypochondriac-ness might actually be correct with some of this shit.

i sort of miss my friends, even though its only been a few days. I also have this weird longing for that freedom and comfort of school. Im amazed how quickly i got set up there. My room is still bare practically but sometimes i feel connected to the cats. (sometimes)

Me and becky were discussing how there isnt really a whole lot of deep conversation goin on. I sort of hope we dont get a tv again (the last one moved out) but the dvds and cd playing capability is nice.

sorry this sint very interesting, hearing me bitch and moan and such, maybein the future i shall have something to say.

so im sick as a monkey i get to go to South dakota for a few days oh boy am i excited (emphasis on sarcasm)
steve is very upset with his coach. Just like zach and several others, steve is getting screwed.
sorry to my peoples last night i just wasnt in the mood for the bullshit.

aight now total we got an A, a B+, a C+ and a C which isnt horrible i dont think. I mean im not like a crazy grades kid or nothing.

anyone got gift ideas?

freestyles from the shower

and i'll tell all of yall,

i hate at least 49% of the population once in awhile,
cuz their particular style
conflicts with my faith files
comes up short to what i'd like to be expectin
and lures those in, who ought to be rejectin
this includes me
and primarily
i wonder why i lust
when i got love in my cup
because my cup is big
and i can tell you this much
it still dont keep my toothbrush from touching the other toothbrush
and im a germ freak
i cant tell you how i despise
the feeling i get
when that view is in my eyes
view of such things as abusive dependency
worry for others but worry more that its me
cuz im strong in the long run
running from new responsibility
shying away from what i know is my ability
and with that i dont mean im avoiding new heights
rather that avoiding keeps me from being shite

dont ask dont tell policy

Sorry i screwed up again (i was supposed to post everyday, it didnt happen)

anyway lets see if i have the patience to do this right.



So Im paranoid again, like driving dont know why, seeing things again.
but this is not related:

I was driving to petes hoping i wouldnt somehow become the third in a awful series of events that have happened to a friend of mine, and My ego got big for a sec and started thinking that people would be all horribly upset if i died and shit, (like it would change the world or something) and then i started thinking about it and smiling cuz i knew for real that that isnt the way it works. There is some rule pychologists or sociologists came up with that say if u take a strong piece out of the game a smaller piece will take its place and that is the way of things. So though part of me wishes i had some life changing effect on some cats a stronger part of me loves the fact that that just wont ever be. Taoists' believe that when u need someone or something in your life that thing will seek you out as well. We all call to eachother and and need to fulfill eachother to help ourselves. That stronger part of me feels all warm and cozy secure in the fact that if im not there for my friends someone will be.

So if u can, massage my ego when u want, and try to remember me, but know i felt mighty comfortable, happy even (in my prime, at my best, at the highest moments in my life) knowing with my mind, spirit, and heart, that yall will be just fine without me.


(ps. this isnt like a suicide note or anything, im just saying im glad i trust the world to take care of things)

FAQ also (see previous post)

8. Is the sun really yellow? or does it just look like that. cuz i think it just looks that way.
-um ok, well i dont really know your guess is as good as mine.

9. Mike who's the girl?
-Becky, she lives on my floor at school and in crystal when were home. we been official for like a little less than two months and kinda been together a little longer. shes pretty sweet, real kind and giving and nice to people. doesnt seem to judge a whole lot, tries to look for the good in people. gets better grades than I, (thats an understatement) helps me do my homework. watches movies with me till 6 in the morning. doesnt smoke or drink that much. looks good in a dress, jeans, or sweat pants (which is quite hard to do when u think about it) makes me happy most of the time. uh i guess u can figure out the rest if/when u meet her.

10. what you listenin to these days?
-uh as for new stuff
the Hair soundtrack,
God loves ugly by atmosphere
and uh a little outkast
as well as some other stuff

11. whats funny?
-olde english is about to put out some more videos which i eagerly await.
that end of the world cartoon is pretty quick and funny
dan and ona from my floor are hilarious
the red vs blue series at redvsblue.com if u know the game halo

12. uh whats ur take on world politics?
-everting be fucked but we can do it better

13. whats up with egalitarianism?

aol dictionary
Main Entry: egal·i·tar·i·an·ism
Pronunciation: -E-&-"ni-z&m
Function: noun
Date: 1905
1 : a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic rights and privileges
2 : a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people

um sounds reasonable, i dont think we will all ever be truly equal but i think we should try to see the good things about people, and the area in which they kick ass and then promote them and treat them respectfully for it. I think socialism is preferable to letting people or rather forcing people to suffer.


14. Are u still a nerd?
- sometimes, movie nerd mostly lately, my comp at school cant handle comp games, i guess i been playign a lot of x box in this kid named t-roy's room. I cant say im that good but i do fine.

15. Whats de deal?
- uh well its basically like 15 % off and then after the first 30 days u get an additional 10% off which is cool.

16. Hows morris?
-its smooth, a bit cold like windy as fuck, peoples are nice, classes are ok, so far i got a b + and an a in the two classes that have reported, the other two will be significantly lower.

17. How long is the hair?
-i cant really tell, i suppose it seems about shoulder length or longer.

18. Is it true you broke your glasses twice?
-well yeah, i mean i broke em, and then i got new ones, and they were really cheap so they broke also. I will get new ones soon.

19. are u excited to be home?
-yeah i am, im a bit nervous cuz i been home like two days and havent gotten much done, i've seen some cats and thats good, but eh, gifts glasses work and shit, none of that is done.

20. Finally mike what do u wanna be when u grow up?
-what does anyone want to be? well liked i suppose.

hmmm so i suck so heres an update

FAQ

"i think there may be a way that dr taylor and i can describe this to you thats both fun and educational."

1. Mike why dont you ever talk to me online anymore?
-well i guess its partly cuz im at school and there are people around, so i dont always feel like sitting in my room typing, also my room isnt very comfortable, i have probably written more e mails and posts from other people's computers this semester than mine.

2. Mike why dont you post anymore?
- same reasons, plus i tended to post more when i had something to say and no one around to say it to, this doesnt mean i dont want to post, i just dont really have anything to say. nothing of importance.

3. Mike why dont u have any pants on?
- same reason i dont have underwear on.

4. mike why dont u have anything of importance to say?
- well i guess its cuz due to having all these people around all the time, i dont have my usual time of self reflection, meaning at time im not fully in tune with myself or whats important to me. Now in certain cases, having conversations with people about things makes me analyze whats important to me, so with some things i feel like im doing ok, but in other areas maybe i need a day off you know? i guess its just that, normally the times i remember to stay humble and like love everyone and truly realize whats so wonderful about the world. is when im seperated from it. its like being in hell and seeing heaven, u realize all the bad things you have done and want so badly to make uo for it. and not that i like being in hell or anything but sometimes its good for me to cut myself off from the things i love so that i can appreciate them.


5. Mike why are you so hot?
-because im sitting on a heater.

6. Do you like pie?
-sometimes, when im by myself.


7 mike why are you leaving now and going to continue the post later?
-cuz my mom really wants to use the internet. and the monkey is about to throw poo at me if i stay.

RIFT
Last night, in the moments my thoughts were adrift
And coasting a terrace, approaching a rift
Through which I could spy several glimpses beneath
Of the darkness the light from above could not reach
I spied wings of reason, herself taking flight
And upon yonder precipice saw her alight
And glared back at me one last look of dismay
As if she were the last one she thought I'd betray

So much better I said to myself
And drawing quite close to the top of the shelf
I struggled with destiny upon the ledge
And gasped when defeated he slipped off the edge
And silence contagious in moments like these
Consumed me and strengthened my will to appease
The passion that sparked me one terrible night
And shocked and persuaded my soul to ignite

So much better I said to myself
And drawing quite close to the top of the shelf
I struggled with destiny upon the ledge
And gasped when defeated he slipped off the edge

And silence contagious in moments like these
Consume me and strengthen my will to appease

The passion that sparked me one terrible night
And shocked and persuaded my soul to ignite

sorry i suck, i promise more posts over break, but i been all not on the comp, in fact im not on mine right now. Becky says "i like pie."

i am in such a shitty mood, i need to go to bed. thankyou becky, thankyou hollie. im sorry everyone. i hope your night was better. im gonna go to bed and wake up on the right side manana.

wondering about family and such. thanksgiving is a nice time and its hard to not feel good about people gathering, at the same time, it seems quite wrong if there is no family.


on a weird note, someone found my website looking up "grandmamas sex" or something like that, on google. maybe i will find a picture in case they come back.


its really nice to see my friends, i wish i had more time. its no good to go back so soon.

"and you know your insides true, better than i do!!" ~ATDI


hmmm im searching and on hold, i feel on hold where is the hold coming from and do i want it to end?

thinking about the tragedies in life and the abuses suffered and how bill gates is trying to teach his kids something they wont ever really understand (or is going to try, didnt say how old they were)


do any of us understand it? I think its pretty obvious we are stagnant and semi casually positive about being where we are, even if they are pulling the whole damn thing down with us.

keep on truckin.

wishing for waves of nostalgia that warmth of christmas, bright lights on a foreign tree set up quite messily in my living room. Sneaking down stairs was never so fun as this.




nicely nicely on the tape deck. let it out until it hurts! reinforce everything!

i wish i would have been ok. that would have been fun, but instead i just kind of ruined it. Those songs were beautiful.



some how we have shrinking pictures of ourselves and we cry for all that seems wasted, forgetting photocopies aint half as fun as the real thing.

there will come a time when time goes out the window.


I have broken glasses held together by tape, the frame is broken. or maybe the lens is just expanding beyond what it once thought capable. go lens go!!

there is no ceiling, no wall to high, running wild with anxiety you forget to fly.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
going to try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends


check me out, im funky

triangle of needs website for all of you who skipped that day in psych class. im like at the bottom right now cuz i need to sleep!

aimee it was nice to hear ur voice.

who needs to post? Mike Needs to post!!


Dan says "i like canada. why do i say this? oh this is your web journal.... journal about me and ona getting chased by brazillians and then making fruit smoothies, but then embelish it and say we played futbol and shot the sheriff and shit." (additions by mike)

Ona says "i cant, (i know why asian people eat rice, its because rice is tight. but not tight like you told your ex girlfriend shes tight, tight like your mom on easter sunday tight.") from earlier.


Boba says (boba is a fake name) "hehehehe, i dunno mike, hmmm, fruit paste is almost as good as the real thing."

and it is...

first off its aimee's b day u should call her if u havent already. next i went to madison this weekend and didnt see anybody, it was partially my fault we went out partying and then were too exhausted to keep moving to more parties. so sorry hols and zach and illy u know i love yall. uh so madison is pretty fuckin spectacular for the celebration. Its like a million young costumed people all together and having a good time in a really nice area. I would like to go back. that it is it for now. I will write later

This week is very busy, if ur out there, we plan on being in madison on friday staying at a motel 6 but only 4 or 5 of us. We hope to see you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
i have two tests this week and they will be rough cuz i suck at school, is it warm in here or is it the fact i got an hour of sleep? The first time to go to my first class in more then a week. Should be fun, guilt trips, nervous grins as if to say "its ok to fuck with me im harder and more secure then that."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^6
"why cant you see that you are my child?
why dont you know that you are my mind?
tell every one in the world that Im you
take this promise to the end of you"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^7


The winter is coming and we have no shelter except plastic overcoats and they have flaws like broken zippers and they seem so much like life sometimes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^8

If any of this seems depressing im sorry, im not really depressed yet, i get made quite happy as the day goes on. I do need to vent. remind me to go to class in ten.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^9
a word to myself
Its funny how tightly we hold on to these egos, these "securities" so desperate, clinging to them. Dont you know you have nothing and its ok? let go, fall, they wont hurt you and so what if they do?
Spirit moves through all things.

We have trouble waking up, morning less glorious when you've already witnessed the sunrise holding tightly round the waist, this last taste completing the evening and wrapped gloriously about the head so that when wakers come they must ridicule, sad and shameful living life like dreams, glimmers in the eyes and half smiles show their jealousy.

(system of a down lyrics)
Round, Round,

Circumventing circuses,
Lamenting in protest,
To visible police,
Presence sponsored fear,

Battalions of riot police,
With rubber bullet kisses,
Baton courtesy,
Service with a smile

Beyond the Staples Center you can see America,
With its tired, poor, avenging disgrace,
Peaceful, loving youth against the brutality,
Of plastic existence.

Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around,
Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around.

Round, Round,

A rush of words,
Pleading to disperse,
Upon your naked walls, alive,
A political call,
The fall guy accord,
We can't afford to be neutral on a moving train,

Beyond the Staples Center you can see America,
With its tired, poor, avenging disgrace,
Peaceful, loving youth against the brutality,
Of plastic existence.

Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around,
Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around.

Push them around,
A deer dance, invitation to peace,
War staring you in the face, dressed in black.
With a helmet, fierce,
Trained and appropriate for the malcontents,
For the disproportioned malcontents,
The little boy smiled, it'll all be well,
The little boy smiled it'll all be well,

Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around,
Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around.
Pushing little children,
With their fully automatics,
They like to push the weak around,
Push the weak around,
Push the weak around,
Push the weak around,
They like to push the weak around.

I woke up after an hour and a half of sleep, my body telling me the night has just begun. My cousin got married today. My favorite female cousin. She happens to be the hottest cousin I have as well, but shes incredibly nice and smart and funny to boot and if i were a bit older I would wish she wasnt my cousin. Doesnt that sound sick? Anyway her boy Tim is a lot like her and really funny and apparently they have been friends/ together for a long time and it was just an amazing wedding, and incredibly beautiful and i was very happy for them. (almost even cried) I guess I was most taken just by the way they joked and smiled and talked eachother through it, completely in love, like real love like better than fairytale love cuz they really know eachother. it was a beautiful service too, and one of my uncles performed it. I have to say the rest of the wedding, the venue, the atmosphere, were just complete shite. I mean i like my family now and it was nice seeing them, and we seemed pretty functional and all, but like i guess the rest just didnts seem to fit right. I could imagine this couple getting married in comfy sweatshits and old jeans, understanding that it didnt matter, and yet they got this big old hall (which is beautiful) but it doesnt work for the amount of people, and the amount of people doesnt work either. Half of them didnt seem to fit, they werent immediate family, or friends of the couple, they were the ones invited by his dad who didnt care to pay the bill for em. I dunno i guess i just thought the atmosphere could have better suited them, despite the fact that the venue and all the flowers and fancy clothes were like fantabulous, they just seemed too overdone, and though it was obvious someone put a lot of thought into it, it didnt seem like the same love that the wedding service and the couple had was put into it. thats all.


oh yeah i want to get married. I want to have a family and kids. I want to be in love like that.

I forgot to put becky's jokes down, so when someone says "so..." u say "buttons" and when they say "well..." u say "thats a deep dark hole."
fun stuff, i didnt think so at first but it grew on me. Now i try to get her to say it and she wont.


so anyway, i dont think i will get dreads, i just cant do it. Maybe braids for a long while, but i cannae commit to dreads.

i sot of suck at school, no big deal. I suck at life too. I couldnae find the time to call chris and aimee this weekend. Like when i do it i wanna have some time to talk and i never know when im gonna have that so it sucks.

I think its better when they just interrupt me give me a wake up call.

Ok im pretty sure were gonna go to madison.

i suck at updating here.

hmmm we just tried to watch the ring in a barn with the lights out and it was pretty freaky cuz im afraid of the dark, but eh. it worked for awhile but the battery went out on the comp. becky tried to make me walk next to the horses in the dark. i like horses, i think they're amazing and beautiful and like incredible and all, but i am very in awe of their power and their portential to hurt things, and thus im slightly afraid of them, especially in the dark.

So i spent monday with elizabeth an gabs and that so wonderful. so very wonderful. just nice to see them smile, and then me and elizabeth went for a half assed adventure and thats always sweet with her.

hmm steve and his friend angelo came up for a few days. seemed to have a decent time, everyone liked having them around, and steve seems to have developed the family trait of analyzing people. They wrote notes to everyone they met, and packed up all their shit with out waking me. I felt bad for not saying goodbye, i apparently waved them off while sleeping. I had very little sleep.

Russ left for the services today, i felt really bad for not being awake to say goodbye. Hes a pretty great guy. fun to talk to. back in march i spose. It will be a different time. Hope hes ok, has a great adventure and meets lots of wonderful cats in the middle east.


hmm becky's jokes,

i should get some new jokes

maybe write some poetry
do my homework



i'll write again later

dance the night away
(its a song, dont worry about it)

anyway

and then there was a gathering in grinnell, twas a mass of partying peoples, good times, nova got drunk and tried to tell me i shouldnt refer to only penis and vagina sex as sex even though i only refer to it that way when talking about traditional heterosexual couples. She said i was wrong, made a good point about using these terms to make people feel more comfortable but i still disagree. plus she was drunk and needed melissa to help make her points, which was fine, cuz i love melissa. for some reason i wasnt expecting her to be there, but it was an incredibly nice suprise. Im a weirdo. Her and joel are wonderful together and it makes me quite happy. Um jake seemed to enjoy himself and got along swell with the other cats. sarah came down to see matt which was sweet. I dunno it was like a couple fest.

so then there was also a concert. Much work, much delay, much irritation, a bit of good music. As i told the band, i wouldnt say it was their greatest show. (were talking about; it was just for you, that light show) But they played well and i thought they were better then the band they opened for. though everyone was quick to tell me the band has better music then they played. I guess the crowd reaction was ok. but not wonderful. Homans was all about being a drunken monkey with his pals and it kicked up the energy level a good notch or two. hmm i guess i just didnt think the band had the energy needed to rock out hardcore. They were sweet but not amazing. Jake and I agreed the sound system didnt do them justice either. It was loud but killed all the intricate shit.

and then there was a party. Oh yeah so it was grinnell's biggest bash of the year thing. which is pretty damn big for only having 1300 kids. but its all cuz these fuckers have no adults around telling them no. Its all run by them for them and its amazing. I mean the kids step up to the plate, and then reward themselves like a motha fucka. free Kegs on campus without much guard. pot all smoked up in the buildings and yet its pretty safe and pretty harmless. and the party goes smooth with a bit of flare and then kids pass out or hook up and i stumble upon them at 4 am and giggle at their panting and moaning. (cuz i find that sort of thing quite cute)

um i dunno. everything was pretty smooth.

Gabs is home so i should be seeing her manana, and then back to morris on tuesday. maybe see natasha and get my pics.
sort of missing someone, wondering what they doing.

Sorry i have nae been doing a good job of updating for ye, tis a sorry ass mate ye got.

But i figured i should hook u up with the details of my life before it gets to wld and crazy. (yeah right)

Hmm morris is a several horse town. We have a pomida, a willy's a coborns. We go to them cuz there is no where else and we have nothing to do except grocery shop. Our softball team is playing the best team in the league tonight and we will probably lose and get dropped from the tournament. that will be sad cuz these mofos practice like monkeys.

My motha got back from greece yesterday and said she had a great time. Sort of made me want to go. i told her its on my list. hmm I dont really know what the future holds, i care not (most of the time) let it come we can dance together.

This weekend is fall break for morris. My roommate is spending it here, alone. Im going to Iowa to see it was just for you that light show at grinnell. A bunch of my homies together in a room. Should be good times. when i get back i get to hang with chris and gabs. This weekend will be a good weekend me thinks. then i have a spanish test on wednesday. but thats cool. whateva i gotta git to class then. peace and love taff

Im a little worried i been a bit self destructive, im a little worried the next week will be shite, im a little moody.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

this girl had a reacurring problem come up again last night so people were giving her advice. I felt like mine wouldnt matter up against the crowd shouting blood. I imagine the first time there was someone there who felt the same way and the course of events has unfolded to be the same.

********************************************

They were right the jazz around here is pretty sweet. I think i'll go again tonight, can anybody guess why?

(Mike needs to work some shit out.)

I need a new perspective.

khalil gibran

shit from adrianne

milk and cereal

go here for variations of yatta!
(check out the 7.7 one first)

uh i talked to hollie a lot tonight and watched zoolander. got some shit to work on but it was good to talk. wished i had some time with illy but she had a busy weekend and a boy.

Some shit,


Today im minnesota nice when it comes to the peace rally.

Last night i kicked it with some homies, perkins run and all. I wish i could say we had wonderful deep convo but it wasnt like that, i got hopes for tonight though. Maybe have a gathering at my house. Steve had all his boys over last night i sat up and talked to them for a couple hours. Lil kids.

Uh me and hols were discussing the separate worlds thing, still trying to figure out why zach is so weird, (he tries to keep everything divided, whereas the rest of us want all our pals from each world together.

Zach is out hunting by the way. which is weird.


I dont really know what to say, all my girls got boys. like practically official.
gonna see my cat today, pick up those pictures finally, possibly anyway.

see i told u i aint got nothin to say. I'd get all personal on ya but i cannae for now. plus i dont really know what i'd say. "be positive and love your life."

I find myself currently thinking "well its an agreement to make a mistake." doesnt sound very much like me, and i wonder where this story will fit in.

Quotes/reasons my rommate is cool

"If you ever want to get a sugar high in Mike's car, all you need to do is lick the seat."

"I swear to god if I ever see John Adams (historical figure) i'm gonna punch him in the face!"



______________________________________________
on a side note thanks to pete and gabs for interrupting my procrastination last night, good distractions despite the badness of it all.

Um also sometimes its hard to be responsible, so this ought to be fun.

curtesy of raizin of Oldeenglish (he doesnt know)

Some Really Bad Jokes
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you." said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. So, since there
are 5 people in my family, one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum
or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha
Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 cents that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "Heck no,the steaks are
too high."

16. A man came round in the hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut off your arms."

17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank. This proves once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

--------------------
Raizin is my name.

from tim

"Mike,

Perhaps you would like to encourage your friends to download their posters, stencils, buttons, and stickers at one term president
Thanks. See you around 4pm,

Tim

PS. After President Bush requested $87 billion more for war and
occupation, peace advocate, ice cream entrepreneur and Kucinich
supporter Ben Cohen explained what America could get for that amount of money: We could solve the school budget crisis in every community in America. Or we could provide health insurance for every uninsured American child for 15 years. Or we could feed all 6 million children who die from hunger worldwide for the next 7 years. "

>
>Love 2.0
>=========
>
>Tech Support: Yes Ma'am, how can I help you?
>
>Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to
>install Love. Can you guide me through the process?
>
>Tech Support: Yes I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
>
>Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready.
>What do I do first?
>
>Tech Support: The first step is to open your heart.
>Have you located your heart Ma'am?
>
>Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
>Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
>
>Tech Support: What programs are running Ma'am?
>
>Customer: Let's see, I have past-hurt, low self-esteem, grudge,
>and resentment running right now.
>
>Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase past-hurt
>from your current operating system. It may remain in your
>permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.
>Love will eventually override low self-esteem with a module of
>it's own called high self-esteem. However, you have to
>completely turn off grudge and resentment. Those programs
>prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those
>off Ma'am?
>
>Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me
>how?
>
>Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
>forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge
>and forgiveness have completely erased.
>
>Customer: Okay done, Love has started installing itself.
>Is that normal?
>
>Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
>program. You need to begin connecting to other hearts in order
>to get the upgrades.
>
>Customer: Oops! I have an error message already.
>It says, "error-program not run on external components."
>What should I do?
>
>Tech Support: Don't worry Ma'am, It means the Love program is
>set-up to run on internal hearts but has not yet been run on
>your heart. In non-technical terms, it means you have to Love
>yourself before you can Love others.
>
>Customer: So what should I do?
>
>Tech Support: Can you pull down self-acceptance; then click on
>the following files: Forgive-self; Realize your worth;
>Acknowledge your limitations.
>
>Customer: OK, done.
>
>Tech Support: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory.
>The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
>patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete verbose
>self-criticism from all directories and empty your recycle bin
>to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
>
>Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new
>files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment
>are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
>
>Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but
>eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.
>So Love is installed and running.
>One more thing before we hang-up.
>Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and it's various modules
>to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and
>return some cool modules back to you.

So first off, this is more journal then update, but also update, and u wont know who im talking about, but if u know me u can probably assume i really enjoy the company of anyone i speak about on here. Or hang around in general and thats really what the point of this little journal entry. (I really just write to myself to convince me of things i cant quite convince myself of with talking. yes i am crazy)

Also this is not the first time i have felt this way, but its sort of a different situation, there is time to step back and look, there is time to meet with people on one on one basis. So this isnt the first and it wont be the last, but i need to learn how to do it.


and it begins

-The other day I was talking to Becky and a group of kids, telling them that I felt I hadnt fallen for anyone yet. (how odd it is) Part of that was true, I mean I havent had any of those nights, or maybe every night has been and I've forgotten the difference. Truthfully I do love...

-I told Ona to stop saying nice things to me, quit giving me a big head (ego wise). Too late. Its odd though, hung up on one's self in attitude, but craving honesty, truthful deep connections. All I can think of is wishing to get to know people better, and being able to share with the, all the beauty, every second of goodness they've given to me, more even.

-There is a problem here. I love, but have a big head, and lack the words to express, give back. Also, maybe I dont know these people, maybe i cant share. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe its because they are so beautiful, like honestly incrediby gorgeous girls. Maybe im mistaking their gentle smiles, so easy on the eyes, maybe its mistaken for love. Maybe i've taken shallowness to a new level. Maybe Im under a spell like all these other boys (too afraid to think im on their level) and yet, I wonder why I ignore these very same ones i love, i even credit myself for looking out for the underdogs, cuz they are everybit as capable of bringing down the house as these others. every bit as capable to seduce with natural beauty, and yet we swoon for some. As we should of course, cuz the beautiful are still human (beautiful) . contradictions

-Maybe just too damn close to understand. Sometimes with distance comes clarity.

greetings from my luffy, i cant tell ya exactly what im talking about cuz well you know, 4 sailors sitting in resonance of a sofa. Its an odd time, tell tale signs of insanity. no really.

We stayed up all night, went to breakfast with hat and a camera, woke up others, spoke giberish and smelled funny.


I have nothing to offer, i have been talking too much, but i like these cats i like em a lot. Peace and love

There is this thing in people, in children like us especially, (our egos havent been tortured enough, our pride still rides high) we tend to block out all signs of a problem until it blows up in our faces.

with negative signs of any kind we must reevaluate, Understand we are gambling.

I think the reason certain substances are tricky is because they keep you from reevaluating.

I woke up today feeling wonderful thanks to a dream i had, which reminded me of my love for people. It was quite nice. Many interesting things happened today in terms of me being questioned about my masculenity, which doesnt bother me. I realized i tend to play into certain stereotypes and because sometimes people dont have any other frame of reference except that of the stereotypes they know, it becomes unclear, and i often dont clear the confusion up unless it is directly questioned.

The other day they had the first vegan potluck (spelling?) it was pretty interesting, nothin i could eat, but some great people watching and it helped me put some names to faces i have or will see on campus. It was a nice time, i think i will probably continue to attend.

Im a little unsure of hom much i want to apply myself this semester. Im a cautious person and it works for me most of the time.

My dad is coming to see me on sat. im currently doing laundry.

Things have slowed down but still continue. We played capture the flag tonight, a sort of weekly thing. Im sort of becoming hooked the attention or affection of certain people. Which is weird, i hardly know them, can rarely talk to them. I miss music, i will soon bring more. I want my lil brother to visit. I want to have more time to chill. I think i may even want to stay in college for a few more years. Maybe after 3-4 i will be sick of it but maybe i will want to continue. maybe i can be a super senior.
whats the rush? i think i miss a lot of things/people and dont want to admit it. Its not draining to miss them and such so it hasnt forced me to do anything about it. Dont know what i'd do if i was forced.

I was hoping for less busy work, spanish and logic are all exercises. I need to go write observations on people. I need a better understanding of spanish and someone to speak it with. but not online like nova would like. I think in person spanish is much nicer.

I think i need to go pick up my laundry.

some unfinished poems from today's poetry club

####################

we twinge and gasp
grasp
and land upon a fiction
mild enchantment
seeming sound but void of reason
and so with game in play we continue into treason of our very nature biased information plague never-ending bring about the last season

In spite of truth
we fight
narrowing our vision
examples lay
in the food we eat, words spoken to our nation
catastrophe is simple burdened by causation and in truth it lays in minds misinterpreting bones to cause sensation

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sadly depth of thought burdens none but the dead or dying
and so to grace our present with a choice of silence
vanished in those cells the voice of all cherished caged significance

&&&$$$$$((((((((($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Chased-----> Already found new pride new strength
A voice
new ride
new sides to take, face slide into temptation
new place, new journey, rare shared by invitation
new form, new cloak, new rome or roaming ration
new race, new chase barred by litigation

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

And in pain
elapsed season after season
solitary evidence of one moment shroud in confusion

separated self
comatose consciousness
shocked into the dreary maddening emotionless

conformed
impressions of the entirety
judged in numbness

Enlightenment delayed
perchance
perhaps forever

looked upon as unfullfilled
unlock to find the treasure of a broken malnourished potential

salivate but do not taint
support against the weather often known to blow such potential over

unexcused unused roots broke now laid in clover

when we return our pockets will be empty, but every other part of us will be overflowing

not beautiful is written on the face of many things.



look for rubber, look for tape, find the edge of that screen and seek truth

I use to not like story of the ghost by phish, but its really sweet if u actually listen to it.

I have this essay to write, some time where the perceptions of others got to me, as in i noticed they were treating me differently and how i reacted or felt about it and such. Its a hard thing to do, one because i sort of feel like thats my wholelife, and second because which do u choose, and which matters and which do i choose to incorporate in my new life here?

do i go home for the weekend now that no one is there or get shit together?

this posting field looks funny.
Hey i wish i could say this will be a life changing post, it wont be. It will howeva be an update on my life, and im sorry if its boring but feel free to update me on your lives, cuz i like that osrt of thing. But after a week of being here in morris (officially manana) I got some new pals. Mas potential and such. I guess im striking out to be the same person i always am, and thas pobably good cuz its usually the way i feel mos comfy. I guess my overall impression is that though most of the people come from different backgrounds, and some are even quite conservative, they seem to come hoping for new experiances and new thoughts to ponder. Meaning open minded to change, which is nice and i hope i come off the same way, though i am quite dead set on certain things. I guess the people see me as weird again, but i am weird so thats cool.

Hmm classes, i caught myself dreading goin to class this morning around 4am, as i was about to go to bed and had to wake up to go to lond somewhat boring classes, and its true i asked for it, but i kind of wish i had more discussion classes, like what we seem to do each night (what i hoped college would be like)
I do catch myself worrying about things, other friends, my own capabilities, these new cats, and new challenges. I guess i do go with the flow and the flow seems to sometimes lead to uncharted waters, or at maybe i forgot my map.

One dude on my floor mentioned that he didnt miss his friends yet, because he was having such a good time, and i found myself feeling somewhat the same way even though i had been thinking of several, i dont miss them in that sort of "life depends on it" way. I do find myself day dreaming about friends stopping by, maybe even steve. What would i do with them, what could i share, would they be entertained? how are things different here? Will i get to go to madison for the party of the year? maybe maybe no. and i hope everyone is having as good a time as I, and i know that they must be, because there is no way a fellow person would pass up the opportunity to be friends with them, and if they did thats like Throwing away gold in a world that really does depend on money, as they would be passing up love what we all thrive on. i want to write, as sarah does, as ryan does, as jenni does. i want to just throw stuff out there again and dont know how. I really want to write something like the mars volta, or frusciante or tim. Want relationships to grow and expand without watchful eyes and love to return.

Honestly the thought just scared me that i will be replaced, there are many much more deserving.

"time goes by, tables turn, no one knows"

my academic ability has suffered greatly in the few years since past life.


im um sick of babbling, much more to come including me actually talking on aim. I guess shit still hasnt settled down, we are riding a wave and sometimes the ride seems to important to allow it to subside. What happens when the wave breaks? we all go flying. It'll be a new adventure and hopefully we can crawl back to shore with thoughts and visions captured at the peak, apply them to ourland value, make millions in realestate ventures.

To be honest, i feel blessed. Thinking about the people in my life. I feel undeserving of such incredible friends. at times its scary. scary to think of how much i could take for granted, scary to think how much it could all change, scary to think that anyone of these people may someday withdraw from me, or the world they've been given. its very overwhelming. its very awe inspiring to think about. is very amazing to watch growth and compassion. Its very wonderful to feel the warmth of their presence.

My religious beliefs would say i am at thi point connected with God. That is, i feel loved and love.

I havent actually sat down and thought or felt this way in quite awhile, in fact i was quite scared for a bit that i wouldnt feel it again. Now that its back i dont see how i could have ever lost it. I must not have been thinking, appreciating, i must not have been sitting beneath enough.

im either numb or really chill. i think my money is on numb. Its weird how my defenses work, couple days ago i really was teary eyed. Hell earlier today i was, but tonight it was all G, in a "im not actually thinking about it" sort of way while saying good byes.

Aimee taught me a great way to open new cds this afternoon, however i reclined the usage of it later while opening more cds. I think im worried about the remote possibility that it will break while im doing it. but basically u just on hook the two parts of the case, so that you can take off that nasty sticker thats holds them together in one nice piece.

Uh last year around this time i wrote a big list of people who i especially wanted to thank, and i cant think that way right now. But uh it will be ok.

I got the new 311 cd thats why the lyrics were posted. Also the new cds of both bands that used to be at the drive in were bought. (they split in a friendly way forming two bands)
The Mars Volta and Sparta (containing all the members of De facto a side project band two of the guys were in already)

but anyway im liking what i hear.


i guess i will update ya tomorrow, and then at morris.

i did not get my pictures back in time, to take them with. I will have to get my friends t pick them up and NOT steal them all.

some lyrics from the new cd of a band i like


"its one thing to make the same mistake twice, another thing to make it all of your life."

"It is a gift I know
A moment of bliss that we hold
A firecracker flash of light then on
To the next plane soul remain
Come along if you dare
It's gonna be that you're scared
Lovely life I thank you
For the reason to see the pain through

-----
Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even if
you have to
Find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for your self then those around who care
like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue

Beyond the Gray Sky"

"In times of trouble
Everyone joins a team
No one waves a flag
For all human beings

No one’s excited
Unless they are divided
Someone’s going to have to give in
It seems uncertain

I’d like to be
One of the faithful millions
But what I see
Is an excuse for the killing

Your denomination
Should be a private thing
How about a spirit
For all human beings

How could something well guided
Turn out to be divisive
Mostly wondering
It seems uncertain"

~311

ok im reasonably sure i haven't posted this before, but u never know and i just found it in a box


3-3-03

He dances Rebel
make you conscious of his confidence
let him verge and merge into pink, though obviously blue
watch
wait
wait
keep waiting
wait for
(honestly any second now)
THERE!! there it is. or was
did you see it?
that slight downward tilt
the muscles keeping him smile
couldn't withstand the weight
that one second of doubt
wondering where his friends lay about.

i was gonna set out to be a minimalist in packing, but as im going more and more things keep coming to mind, and why not bring them since i have them, i mean i'd onyl end up borrowing and buyign them anyway so...

maybe i will fill up a car.


im still very unsure of what im gonna do cd wise. i mean i could go cheap and just take the burned cds which would get me through a bit of time but i will constantly be wanting the other ones, and i am a paranoid motha fucker when it comes to my cds. They are better then money any day, and i dotn want them stolen or scratched or lost or nothing so im very unsure.

also things like clothes. As it is, i have like 2 months worth of clothes at my house, but this is way too much. so as it stands i think im bringing 4 heavy sweatshirt like things, like 6-8 long sleeve. 14 t shirts. and 4-5 pairs of pants. Too much? not enough?

packing for a new life is weird. a lot of the shit i know i wont need, but once again it comes to, What if?

In a hostel in Istanbul, near the blue mosque and several other major tourist and cultural attractions, you can find a computer printed copy of these words

Traveling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast
And she said,

"Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."

Buying bread from a man in Brussels
He was six foot four and full of muscles
I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich
And he said,

"I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."

Lying in a den in Bombay
With a slack jaw, and not much to say
I said to the man, "Are you trying to tempt me
Because I come from the land of plenty?"
And he said,

"Oh! Do you come from a land down under? (oh yeah yeah)
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."


Australians like to leave their mark in just about anyway they can.

hmm its been awhile.

hmm things -went to colorado, did some weak shrooms there, felt "swingy", watched a lot of partying, got pretty damn homesick, read a lot of welcome to the monkey house. Had some decent convos, studied some situations, wrote a letter, waited for a response.

I leave on thursday, this is all too rushed, everything will be fine, everything is grand.

i will update later, like a real one, this is just the basics.

hmm hopefully i will get my pictures back today, maybe not though, maybe tomorrow. natasha is a very nice girl, i feel bad for doing this to her.

and so it begins.....


the directions say 930.43 miles 15 + hours, yeah right.
good luck peace and love, if you find something i've said/done offensive recently bitch me out, and know that i said/did it with only the worst intentions. Yes thats right, a savage burn.

much to my dismay this coffee taste like bullshit. i better get packin, t minus some time till lift off

i just made a raunchy comment on a friend's website, to find out what was said, go look at all of them.

It was Just for you that light show played a sweet show, though there may have been slight technical problems, and kristen needs a bit more confidence ( i mean if she blows us away with a whisper imagine what she could do if she really tried) ---> i'll try to work on it with her.

I was a bit nervous no one would show up, and slightly saddened that more people werent there, but it was good times.
very good times i dont really know what to say they are just good. I always have a hard time describing them to people, they play good original music. they dont really sound like anybody except themselves and its wonderful. (though sometimes hard to dance to) all of them are incredibly good at what they do so its hard to even say stuff.

we shall eagerly await more. (and of course, if nothing comes, support whatever future prospects they open up for themselves.)



shooby do wa. or something

is nick dating the ex? how do i feel about this? am im really only... fascinated, like new gossip? more of a how did this come to be sense. annika of course, but oh well, maybe we were just wrongly reading body language. i fear i care not, though i know neither.


hmm i meant that in the we not just me sense, btw im not so schizo right now. Nice to see jeremy, and alex, and kailyn (spelling?) and paul adrianne though i dont really know what to say to her in real life. Its been ages since i said a word to her, i was a shadow man, boy really, she never knew me, i never knew her, more heroine then human. melissa, i wish she was different, or more different in a way i could dislike, not that i have a crush on her anymore, but i wish i didnt get sparks of joy from her presence. Sometimes that falling thing is exhausting. In the long run, really, its hard to keep smiles on your face from history. its even more confusing when they fade though, at least this way i get good kicks the rest of my life, even if undeserving oh complex mind.

if your lost read the following. i fall easy. i fall often (or so it seemed) i tend to fall forever, or at least until something drastic happens something changes, snaps, tears away those good memories to the point of no longer longing but dreading.
uh i digress, sometimes i wonder why i still get a kick out of seeing a person whom ive fallen for even when its been years u know? it seems overwhelming at times just to carry that weight. the weight of past loves, even if positive.

need more? less? comment.

anyway, shit what am i saying. uh good times good peoples.
stage left. no really he did! (is that a bad joke or what)

uh i wish for insanity. Going to boulder tomorrow, err today, in a few hours. we three and drive my loco for something like 14 hours. i done it alone, no tengo problemo.

i should probably pack something eh?


anyway. uh anyway soon i shall depart with loved ones, and i fear for us.


I spend time wondering about the canals, the springs, the current of our underground rivers. can we find support, can our bonds hold under the burden of these coming desert storms? have we planted enough seeds? have we an oasis?

quick to judgment worry paranoia jealousy = quick to cage and confine


the purpose of life is to live right? and in my mind it makes sense that the best way to live is to be able to understand and appreciate things when the time seems right. when we are mature and open to things and have the coping skills and confidence and self discipline to be significantly braced for impact. and im skeptical that time is right for any of us, however isnt it so that in order to gain these attributes one must embrace life? so boundaries are rough, and im often scared for those who would go without shelter.

After all
Trials in Style
people and a sun,
two lines converge
fuel  for consumption
waste in haste
past confusion
rapidly  becoming
in need of confronting

switch over conversion
torturous  subversion
have you see the new version,   our new product?

*construct stimulation
*construct assimilation
*construct submission
*construct destruction     manipulation inflation

sustenance abuse potency
calculations incapable

varied ineptitude
generosity uninitiated
community uninstigated
connection interrupted
leaving organs unprotected
forever leaving shards interjected

ever get really mad at some one for doing something u have done yourself?


post on tonight later maybe.

as of right now, (changes later possibly)
dinner at my house round 9:30ish PM very possibly changed to different location

basically if u know me or a friend of mine ur invited call one of us for directions (isnt that sneaky, cuz now u have to actually know us)

damn those crabs
anyway

Last night was a concerto three bands two of which i knew. The other Something corporate was like emo punk and their first song sucked balls, but then steadily increased in okay-ness. Dude was rockin out on a piano and kept pointing at things and people in the crowd. You know the ladies were lovin em, boys were like our age. Decent voices, shitty lyrics (from what i could tell) other then the piano, the music was like simple crap basically.

Of A Revolution, loved by college frat boys everywhere, and they were there, drinking away and hitting on every girl in sight while pretending to be interested in the music. I could not get into it, too much shit around me. And whats worse is then i get back to the back section (floor, target center) where all the 311 fans are chilling waiting for em to get on and they start bad mouthing OAR and their fans and thats just horrible cuz 311 is not all about that sort of shit. Anyway OAR plays a decent show, not great but it was good enough and they played all the songs i know by them so what ya gonna do.

311 -if the target center could handle music, this might have been a great show, it was pretty damn rockin, heavy energy in the audience, (too many people) but uh they played like 7-8 songs off the new cd which ranged from "pretty sweet" to "i wonder if this song is decent after you have listened to it 15 times" but anyway i will buy the new cd cuz im like that. Uh they played most of the crowd favs, the singles and their normal live songs. for about half the show i couldnt separate the bass and guitar parts, too much distortion and shitty target center sound. I fucked myself up on "beautiful disaster" i hurt today, not much dancing though, no room, too many people i could maim. At some point i got a safety pin stuck through my shoe into my foot, that was fun, no blood just nice fun pain.

oh well, thanks to pete for driving.

for some reason, sierra mist seems to kill my teeth more than any other beverage. Its also happens to be steve's favorite pop.


also the crabs have come back

I really like the songs, "quicker" and "abstract" by the drones, actually i like all of their songs but for some reason i always get hung up on certain lyrics in those songs.

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what if i start doing that shit all the time? give the site a bit more character no?



anyway i dont have anything to say i spose i could say this;

We went to the dead and dylan show yesterday. Not exactly what we expected but still pretty good, some of us were a bit disappointed, we didnt know many of the songs played, and these cats i was with were all drinking and smoking to the point of misery underneath the hot sun. Dylan's set was pretty sweet, his band was very tight, a clean performance though at times elaborate, which sort of makes up for his inability to sing clearly (at times)
It was a really bluesy set, not folk music at all, and it had some kick to it which was nice, but definitely not a jam band thing.

The dead's first set (which had guest appearances from dylan and another dude) started off very jumbled, a little bit too much and they werent really in synch or whatever, it seemed like a nervous jam band who had no chemistry or were really rusty, but by the time they got a few songs in they slowed it down a bit and the crowd started reacting a bit more, and it seemed pretty sweet. My group and even I werent really able to get into it a whole lot though, cuz it was a bit hot i guess. (i hadnt eaten all day and my sugar level was definitely down.) The hill we were sitting on made my legs and head sort of tired, cuz i had to hold them up to see and keep steady so as not to fall down the hill. This meant that when i sat down i was sort of exhausted, that in combination with so much smoke basically put me to sleep, which made me feel stupid.

The third set (the dead only, from what we saw) came after the sun set, and it was pretty damn sweet if u had energy and liked jam bands. about 40 mins in i asked pete how many songs they had played and we agreed they were still on the third. by about the 6th song we were drained and ready to go. On the way back to the car we noticed the sound quality was easily as good in the parking lots in comparison to the actual park. Maybe next time it will be a parking fee only. hmm i think in total i heard 5 songs i knew. i figured that made sense since the both have been playing for millions of years.

joan osbourne sings back up for the dead now, its weird at times she sounds great with them and others like "what the fuck are u singing for?" i figure in the total time she was out there, she stood around for maybe an hour and a half and sang a decent part for about 15 mins of the total approx 2.5-3 hours. Im not saying they shouldnt have her, just give her her own set or her own song or something.

hmm i dont think i could manage at one of those big weekend fests. probably half a day or good vibes and the rest exhaustion and crabbiness. wouldnt want to do that with bands i like.

__________#__#_$____________@_@____

uh im out of shit to say, i recently looked up douche online to see how exactly that works, probably not a high light of my life.

___!!!_____%___^_____________________

even with this clock running i still find it hard to give that extra effort towards like making the end of summer especially good.

Planning on going to boulder next week with foulkes and zach and nick, meeting pete might be great, probably more rough then excellent, but maybe we can get some shit accomplished. More likely they can get their drink on.

was that too negative?

((**))__________________((**))_________________

hmm lots of strange nervousness, lots of feelings of want. Lots of strange almost jealousy at random strangers. Lots of thinking im hungry and not finding anything to eat. Lots of eating junk food.

&&&&&&________^^^^^^__________________

uh i had one last thing i thought up tonight, something about not being able to ever really be on the cutting edge of anything but also not really wanting to be, this at the thought of being a big school college prof. sounds like an evil thing, never want that much pressure, or that much plastic existence.

!)_@(#$+__________
oh wait also 311 and OAR manana, not excited
but should be decent

Instead of going to the bank and doing the things i need to do, i will post.

The garage sale was smooth, i dont know if im getting a kick down or not but eh we made a few bucks and got rid of a bunch of shit and that was the goal mostly. That whole waking up at 7:00 thing was a bit uncool though. thats ll you get on that one
_____________________________\/\\///_______________

Hmm we went to see chris the other day and that was interesting. First off the facility is in the middle of nowhere, but then its also not like a secure place or anything, i mean we could have easily snuck him tons of drugs and shit and they wouldnt have noticed. all we had to do was sign our names on a sheet of paper, like a quick guestbook and then we could go anywhere. We could have kidnapped chris and they wouldnt have noticed for quite a few hours. Its a nice place, and on top of that he gets treated pretty decent it seems, though they pulled some shit on him doubling his time there, and then adding a year at a half way house afterwards. Still I'd say he got off easy and i think he knows how lucky he is, and if he doesnt then thats pretty sad. Im hoping he stays clean, but u never can tell.

___((()))))((()))(()()()()_________________________________


Hmm the other day i got all sad, (lately when im sad i get really tired-i fell asleep at a random kids house last night) anyway, i got sad cuz i was talkin to gabs and realized we only have like a few weeks left. plus me and some cats are planning on goin to CO now for a week (like 11th through 16) or something and i just talked to jenny e and she said she was leaving on the 15th and i dunno it all seems too soon, and im much more worried about losing touch with people this time cuz half of em are already moving out to their place and possibly not coming back, and the others well i dont have a big trip and adventures to tell them so why would they keep in touch? I guess im just real sad about not knowing if i can hold on to something, and i mean that in the way of "let it go and see if it comes back" im worried the love wont return. I worry i havent done enough to make it feel at home.

im sure there will be more of that coming thats the shortened version.

_____==__=__-+++===++-______________________________________

so this play fighting thing, first off this seems to be with just one person. (i dont know if it will continue, or maybe it was just last week or whatever, either way)

You know how little kids fight sometimes , like wrestling but it doesnt mean they are trying to hurt eachother, more just uh express closeness? This female friend of mine started picking fights and i responded, and later apparently she said something to another friend about thinking i was liking it or something, and i was, and this other friend likes to joke that im just trying to feel her up, and i am in a sense, but not like in a dirty way. I wouldnt grope her or anything, its a weird situation, but it doesnt make me uncomfortable really. I dont really know what im trying to say, i just think its an interesting thing people do sometimes and i dont know what to think or if its "right" or not. if you're saying "what the fuck mike?" right now, that seems to be the right response. If i've given the message that im feeling up a friend of mine while "fighting" that would be sort of incorrect, its weird i actually think of it more like dancing when its going on, wonder what steps to take next and how not to hurt her. strange very.


janis singing "flower in the sun" is most excellent. mostly i just like how she stays on top and rising and changing time with the music and everything, truly a wonderful vocalist, seriously its pretty spectacular. That band was damn good. i could go on all day with my bad speech and such but really i gotta go to work.

that light show manana at eclipse (sat the second) but uh i cannae go cuz i gotta work and that was like unbelievably short notice

i know i promised you posts, but its like 6:30 and in a half an hour my mom is gonna "wake me up and make me get stickers" (were having a garage sale) so in the future, probably a post on

A: friends leaving
B: garage sale
C: play fighting
D: chris d
E: lephants