Life

Dear former and future self,

Its a lovely Monday in Minneapolis. The wind is out but so is the sun leaving the temperature somewhere around heavy long sleeve weather. Its about 1 PM and I've been settling bills and looking up bank accounts. Tomorrow is my first actual shift at Dunn Bros MCTC location. They say it will take a few weeks to get up to speed, to have the rhythm of the place and to flow with my coworkers. I like the people I work with so far, they are all very chill and very nice.

I have been spending way too much money at Target. I've been spending like I need everything and last night I got a little worried that I wouldn't know how to stop. My bank accounts assure me that I am still within reason, but when I do my budget I am looking at major deficits.  There is just no way to make $1000 or whatever I will be making, work out for all my bills.
The apartment is basically half of that, insurance and various bills another quarter, 50-100 for gas each month, books and entertainment another 100 at least. I am left with almost nothing for food, nothing for extra expenses (a bike? a new computer? art supplies? a class?). These are all things I imagined I would be getting, and perhaps that is part of why I am spending so much now, its like I don't want to admit I have to budget yet and I am trying to get every little thing in before the big wham.

 I've also been having a hard time disciplining myself to work on the things I am "giving myself time for." I haven't picked up my guitar in a couple weeks, haven't been drawing, barely been writing. I have been watching a show I don't really like on Netflix and going over my OkCupid account with little to show for it. 

The last few days the stock market has been crashing and to me it reveals the ridiculousness of relying on the gamblers for future earnings.  I've considered getting another job, but as of now I haven't really done any of the things I wanted to do with my time off...
So I am facing this crisis in my head, the question being -do I use all my time to work? (meaning I might be able to pay my bills and not worry about the money stuff so much, but might also be stressed and wish I had more free time) Or  do I relax and assume the free time is good for me, push through and try to make something of it? (meaning I will be stressed about money, and anxious about the reality that I really don't know what I will make of it).

The other day I saw the billboard with the lottery numbers, the sign said something regarding having the money to pay for your dreams. In the car I divided the money this way.
Assuming 20 Million
1 million for future family issues * like parents retirement.
1-3 million for property and investments (stuff that will help future family if I ever have one).

5 million for investing in the environment
2-3 million for an arts center/performance space/coffee shop
3 million for progressive leadership training
3 million for a school.
2 million for philanthropic start ups. 

Its interesting how this kind of thought experiment can show you your priorities.
There is a piece of me that wants to worry less about financial stuff, to know my family is taken care of. My Mom says my Grandpa had a philosophy of savings, stocks and property, that between the three you'd always be taken care of and be able to pass the wealth on. If you are going to be rich, might as well make it last a few generations.

The biggest issue I can think of right now is not police brutality, or even human rights, but rather the environment. I just don't think anyone is paying attention to how fucked we are. I don't really know how 5 million could help, maybe investing in solar/wind projects. Maybe just trying to get the word out. Jesse has been part of this group called "less meat less heat" and though I am personally living it up off the animal farming industry, that is obviously in great need of reform. Maybe it would just be money for urban gardens and farms... who knows. In general though it feels like if humans don't realign ourselves with the environment and the ecology of the places we live, we will die.

I think the Arts Space and the School are similar. I want spaces that I can invest my energy and creativity, and I want other people to be able to do the same. I think these things could have huge impacts on peoples lives, so why not spend money on them.

Leadership and philanthropy, These are both ideas to get the money to have the biggest impact outside of my personal investments. Empowering others to create and transform their communities, teaching them to lead and empower others. I think that in the long run these things would probably have the biggest impact.

Why am I writing this?
I am wondering whats next. Ok so I take 6 months or a year off. I can afford to work a part time job or a minimum wage job for awhile and get by, but that isn't what I want in the long run. So what is?
Do I want to be a teacher? A professor? A community organizer? An activist? Do I want to run an arts program? Do I want to do none of this?

I just don't know.

A couple people just asked me where I wanted to go next... my answer is that I want to go somewhere, or do something that I am excited for, and I don't know what that is yet.

Chilling at an overly loud Spyhouse on this windy Sunday afternoon. I woke up sick, then went back to sleep until 11:30 or so and then went for a Calhoun walk.

I've been trying to organize my thoughts and activities, which don't allot to much.

Saw American Ultra last night with Illy. Entertaining bloody movie.
Moved into my place this week. Considering documenting the place. Its weird and random and dirty and organized all in one.
I have no blinds and stare at the people making food in their kitchen next door. I am far too comfortable with voyeurism.
I started training at MCTC this week and it seems like its going to be a rush. People talk about not having time to relax there, and say it helps the time go faster, but I was looking forward to having conversations and random thoughts. Maybe 20-30 hours a week is all I want.

I think Jesse might feel I am being needy. She has finally got her shit together and now I'm bugging her for attention. Just a few months ago it was the opposite.

I guess I really dont have the capability to think clearly right now. Its too loud.
I am worried my book project is too much. Just too many things to keep track of.
Oh well. Its 5 and im getting hungry so fuck off, Imma get some food.

The day before the wedding.

Yesterday I got to Estes Park and chilled in town for a bit before walking to meet up with the others. 

Watched shooting stars and caught up a bit with the boys. Had an edible which didn't kick in till I was sleeping. 

I've been thinking a lot, getting nostalgic, not necessarily for childhood, I'm glad we are grown and moving forward with our lives. Zach's baby is adorable. Pete and Susan will probably have one of their own soon. I'm proud of them. I like who they have become even if I feel a little distant, like a good memory from the past.  I'm here as a root, maybe not a branch to the future, but certainly to the past... 

But I'm nostalgic for love, warmth, the feeling of giving and receiving. Of enjoying so thoroughly the presence of another person. 

This whole week has been full of these kinds of thoughts. Of being happy and proud and wondering about the way forward from here.  We never had it figured out and things turned out ok, but somehow I still want assurance of the future. Will the next chapter be as special? As warm and loving or is that a thing of the past, come to fruition and now slowly shedding away with a bit of intoxicating perfume?

Colorado

Three days in to the Colorado trip. 

The first day we stopped in the badlands to do some hiking, then met up with my uncle and went on another hike in the Black Hills. It was a long day in the car and we were pretty excited to move around a bit. 

The next day we went from the Black Hills through Wyoming and down to Colorado. Got in a hike before heading to our hotel in Avon. 

Today we woke early and went white water raging on the Arkansas River in Browns Canyon. Beautiful scenery with the canyon walls and the collegiate mountains in the back.  Rafting was more fun than I thought it would be. It was the part of the trip I was most worried about, and now if someone asked is probably be down to go again. Unfortunately I didn't have any caffeine and developed a wicked headache that won't go away. Also after three days in close proximity to my family I'm feeling irritable and introverted. 

They went for a hike and I stayed behind to do laundry and walk around the small town of Avon. 

Not as clear headed and creative as I'd like to be right now. Bought a Fitbit and met my ten thousand steps... Not sure how accurate it is considering I didn't have it on all morning. 

Day 3 of work

My feet hurt and the longest shift I've worked is 3.5 hours. Tomorrow I have another three hour one. 

I have been working on drinks, recognizing the abbreviations for each drink, which milk, which preparation, which syrups/sauces, whip or froth?

That sort of thing. My steaming game still needs some work, though I've now steamed about 30 drinks. (That is a rough guess). I've  made almost every type of standard drink from lattes to icecremas, mochas to nirvanas, brewed coffee to ice tea. 

There are still a million things to learn. Like I still don't know where anything is in the store. I don't know the computer. The food.  How to bake stuff. The extras. I've been assured those are all the simple things that come later once you have the drinks down. 

Everyone is being generous and lovely with their support. I read the training guide today and noticed we skipped some things but we were pretty far through the list. 

I still feel a sense of panic and anxiety about it all. I am sure at some point it will be like muscle memory, but right now it's a difficult push through my brain on almost every step - which means I can multitask like the other baristas can. I don't think there is as much urgency at this location as I am feeling internally, but the few times it's gotten busy it felt like an incoming storm. 

It's strange how separate my worlds feel. Jodi will ask me questions about outside life and I'm just trying to stay focused.  

Yet yesterday it was nearing 9pm and I was so deeply into the story I was writing that I didn't want to pry myself away to go home and sleep. 

It made me happy. But my bills will soon be piling up if I don't start writing at home. Oh also I should be moving into the Minneapolis place when I get back. 

Midway

Yesterday I spoke to Mel on the phone for a little under an hour.
She is also transitioning back, and the guy she was dating (who she assumed she might marry) just broke up with her. She hates her job. Life is in shambles and shes broke. Of course there are things for her to look forward to, accomplishments and experiences she has that give her a boost, but what do you do when you're stuck?

Yesterday was my first day as a barista. Well lets put it another way, yesterday was my first day of steaming milk to the point of explosion. Yesterday was the first day I needed to do laundry real bad. Yesterday was a day in which I started the old "holy shit I have a lot to learn" anxiety. 
I watch baristas all the time, and they get into a rhythm, they learn the craft. So why do I assume it will take me forever, or I will somehow be the worst? Jodi is very positive. Its nice. Tomorrow I work with the boss boss, and the assistant manager who will be leaving. They will likely be less positive and more orderly in their approach. Might be helpful. 
I don't know how long my shifts are this week. That is part of the apprehension I am sure. Its also not helpful that I have been waking up so late lately. 

I got netflix two nights ago. So far I watched the entirety of the new Wet Hot American Summer series which was silly and had great music,  and the Swedish version of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which I didn't particularly like.

Guitar has been going better though I don't play for very long. One of the main reasons I think it is going better is that I have this cool tuner that I just keep on and it helps identify the chords and notes I am playing. Its the visual verification that helps my brain process the sound to the gesture. It makes it more fun.  I wonder if there are guitar teachers who utilize these devices for that purpose, it also makes me listen to music differently. I listen for the strumming patterns and try to identify the chords. I am not anywhere near good enough to say "thats an A" or anything, but just to recognize the chord changes is helpful. 

We are going hiking in a few days, then Pete's wedding, then nothing for a while. I am nervous about both. Actually I am nervous that I will be nervous and won't be able to enjoy them, which is funny. I wonder if I should be on anti-anxiety meds, or have like some emergency ones. I could be one of those people. A pill for a date, a pill for a new job, a pill for a party/wedding/event. I could be one of those people.
I am hoping to move into this apartment, otherwise life seems more difficult. 
But once it is set up... back to boredom and routines. So I'd like to establish some good ones.

So what will my good routines be?
Today as I was walking around the lake I considered purchasing a fitbit (since my entire family has them) or at least a pedometer. Then saying basically I can't go to bed until I get my 10,000 steps or whatever it is. This is all while I am nervous about the swelling in my left foot. I noticed while buying shoes that I couldn't even fit my old sizes because I need a little extra room for the left one. This doesn't seem good. 
I would like to figure out how to keep my weight somewhere around the current weight. I look at pictures from the winter a couple years ago, and I'd really like to not get that heavy again. 
Playing guitar.
Making room for more writing, waking up at a decent hour and just assigning myself some pages might work.  

My confidence is lower than it was even a week or two ago. 
Not sure if that is new job, or lack of routines or what.
You know some people don't reflect like this.  

The Summer

I've been sleeping in later and later. Something about unfinished business drags me back to the pillow. The dreams are little sun beams reaching in all directions, anxiety and love and excitement and fun and work.  Old friends and new meet me in my dreams, and without a task in my waking life, it seems odd to reject them. 

Home

I've been home for a week, it feels like less because it's all been so rushed or maybe because I didn't have a car the first three days. 

Yesterday I walked around Lake of the Isles in awe of how beautiful Minnesota is. I was walking super slow, casually thinking my thoughts and singing my songs, I was walking with my eyes closed allowing the sun to smudge images on the back of my eyelids, I was unafraid and happy. 

I was thinking how perfect a non humid day can be. How easy it was to relax into familiar surroundings, and trying hard to not spoil the moment, but to remember that it isn't always this way. 

Opportunities have been flying my way, due in great thanks to my mom who has been making connections for me. 

I'm starting at Dunn Bros next week. 

I may have a new place to live before I go out of town next weekend. 

I may have a second job, or some opportunities for teaching or for the future, lining up. 

Everyone wants to help, doors are open, they assume it will be fine.

My expectations are not high, but they are in the cloud of happiness. 

I've told people I will take stock in January or February and see if I'm staying. 

I had moms guitar re-stringed. I've been playing 2 or 3 chords. 

I've been reading a book.

I haven't had access to my computer yet so I'm not writing, but I feel like everything is going too fine. Too easy to melt back into a life where privilege and connections and a good background seem to be guarantees... And I'm happy.

Transitions

I'm home and stuck without a car... I may be over exaggerating but I don't want to find myself in an insurance battle, so I'm trying not to drive at all.  

My mother's house is welcoming, but not home. I have no things and no access to get them, so I'm mostly moving between my bed and the couch in te living room playing on the Internet, researching or reading.  

Yesterday I saw my brother, and illy. 

Today I have been stuck inside.

I applied to two jobs, and already had 1 phone interview (she is a friend of the family). Got a follow up for Wednesday. I am more interested in the other job, but this could be a way to meet people and see mctc campus more. 

Potentially having both jobs would help pay the bills. 

I've been looking at that more and more. 

I knew taking a break from a career path would be a little rough on my finances, but considering I will be starting over completely with new furniture, new wardrobe, new everything... Well let's hope I can take advantage of back to school college stuff. 

I've also been looking for apartments.

With the exception of reading and seeing people, and walking a lot I've done nothing along the lines of my actual goals... But maybe when I get settled the creative projects can begin.  

New Beginnings

I was hanging with Lyda last night and while attempting to talk about the projects and hobbies I hope to start/continue I said that they are sort of like teen dreams I never accomplished.

A cd- let's make it a tape of recordings... and then I can hand out Walkmans for people to listen to it (so exclusive)

A book - let's make it something obscure and science fictional so that no one is interested.

A painting - let's put it on a website or hang it in a small coffee shop gallery near the bathroom so no one will look... 

And after that maybe I can get back on a track where I care about the world in a meaningful way, a way in which I desire to contribute to the solutions.

But until then I don't want the responsibility, it creates a pool of dread and resistance somewhere in me, very similarly to when I was a teenager. 

So new beginnings, yes but also quite familiar.

Woke up at 7:20 to go for a walk with my Dad, he slept in accidentally. I am le tired. 

transitions suck

I am far too robotic for people.
I was on the phone with my old coworkers, one sounded super out of it. Just not sure how to console or assure people when I am leaving again. I am so excited for the next thing, and yet once again all these people are reaching out to me. Asking. Doing the thing I tell them to do, and I rarely do because I don't know how. But I have nothing to share except the thoughts in my head and they can already tell I am stepping out of the boat.

There is a definite downside to this whole having close relationships but wanting to adventure thing. I am caught off guard by the image that other people have of me, and how close they hold it to their hearts.

I feel like I am letting them all down. And part of me just wants to hide. Like... is it possible to just pretend I left already?

I'll hang out with Illy and my parents and tell everyone else I am already in Guatemala.

Goals and updates

Well I can finally log in to my blogs again.
I suppose I should start updating them.
Here is a boring post, just thoughts on goals...

It’s funny how when you are in the middle of a transition asking yourself what you want every day becomes such a normal monotonous task. What is the best case scenario? What am I willing to settle on? Which opportunity should I reach for? Where do my interests push me? 

I broke up with Jesse, sort of twice now. There isn’t really any possibility long term there, and I know that, but I love chatting with her daily. I love seeing her face, hearing her jokes, and though I am still attracted to others, I have no other crushes, no other people are calling to me in the same way she does. But love? Is there something more out there?

I am applying to jobs, looking for jobs. The first round is out there and I am not sure whether I should continue or wait to hear back. Many of them won’t even receive the emails until tomorrow. Tomorrow I interview for one company at 7 AM. Considering waking at 5AM get a shower in, and some coffee. Maybe review some old TEFL terms to throw in. 

What were my other goals? 

Stay in shape… that’s been a bust so far. Minnesota weather is so limiting. Even now I am wondering if my aching joints are due to the weather. My wrists are irritated with typing and my tooth is definitely in bad shape. Might end up investing in a new tooth. Probably gaining  weight.  All around speaks to a need to leave or find some healthier routine. 

Spanish?  It’s nice to dabble, hear a bit spoken and understand. Hard not to sneak a few words into conversations. Will need to head somewhere directly south to learn more. Applied to Mexico, Ecuador and Guatemala. At least put that out into the world. 

Music and art, nada.

Grandpa video, nothing yet.

Writing… somewhat decent. Probably kept to the first 15 pages thing,  but some of that was job applications. Just haven’t developed a routine. Feel a little too far away from my normal coffee shops... and I can't seem to wake up and go to sleep at normal times. I would ideally like to wake up at like 8 and start work at 9. Crank out some writing by the early afternoon and then do something else with my day. 

Reading, read one book, another couple slowly being incorporated. 

Seeing friends?  Yeah actually. Pretty simple, still got a handful to go, but made some plans and contacts. I am sort of surprised how easy its been. I found right away that I had nothing to say, but slowly I feel more like a person. With more contact I can be updated on people's lives and start to be a friend again. I went to the zoo with some of my college friends. That was actually really nice.

Have I accomplished anything with this?  

Not really.  

I am home. I am preparing to leave again. I don't know where. I have thoughts about random places in the world. I think priority goes to Latin America, but after that its just whatever sounds good. I don't know when the best time to leave would be. I am hoping some time in February so that I don't feel trapped here. I am still very aware that I am not grounded here. I don't have a house to return to. My stuff is scattered. I have no routine and haven't looked into jobs here or anything.  I like most of the seasons here, but winter is even worse than I remember. Its not so much that I feel overwhelmed by it, just that it keeps me from feeling healthy. I never thought I would be a person who wants to be outside all the time, or exercise or whatever... but I am feeling a lot of cabin fever and its 2 degrees out. 

I need to clean my room and maybe buy a desk. Open some windows or bring in a fan.

I am trying to save money and yet trying not to stifle my standard of living. I think it is more important to stay active than to save money. I can make money later. 

Life still feels full of opportunities. When I get rejected from a few of these jobs, then the reality might creep in. I will be forced to take a job in Dubai or China.  I don't know which one I am more afraid of. 

Any who... I better do some real writing.

The living and the dead part2

I haven't written part 1 yet but this is part 2 which is slightly more private... Though I am feeling particularly open right now... So viewer discretion I guess.

When I was about 13 I had my first sexual encounter... With a friend. It was scary and exciting and that combination of pleasure and fear, taboo and secrecy was really powerful. 

For many years I chased this feeling and it lead me to doing a bunch of things I have regretted ever since. I felt like this desire for the feeling of being alive was coming at a cost to my conscience. That i felt alive, but wished I was dead at other times. 

Around 16 or 17 I stopped with the secret stuff and decided I needed to start having meaningful truthful relationships in the light of day- even if that was incredibly anxiety producing. 

My first actual relationship happened towards the beginning of my senior year of high school. This was the first time I kissed someone. This relationship was the first time I had actual sexual intimacy with another person. Someone I cared about... And I liked it a lot. I swore to myself that from then on I would only ever have that kind of intimacy with people I loved. 

This meant turning down sexual escapades, invites, opportunities even f I was interested. It felt good to develop the sense of self control, something I hadn't had much of during my earlier years.

I had two more relationships, full of intimacy and love. 

And then nothing... Not really. I had friends. friends who I was often sexually attracted to, friends I was physically close with but not sexually intimate. 

I love these friends so much that the idea of jeopardizing that love in anyway has always seemed like an insane thought. There are fantasies but, never never any moves. 

So I have not had a relationship since the end of 2006... So I have not had that kind of intimacy since then. Despite opportunities and invites... I started to feel that part of me was dead... Might forever be dead.  Until a few days ago...

I am part of the living again.

And I am tempted to try to make more of it than it was, to make a relationship grow -because I know I could, because I am capable and caring enough. Because part of me desires to. But I wonder if I should let it be, to recognize that I am not the 15 year old I was... Angry and confused and looking for a fix.. I am also not in need of strict ethical guidelines that don't serve me anymore...I am an adult. A human with drives that can be acted upon if I choose to.  

Perhaps I am finally growing out of my childish narrowness, my fixed positions... 

I was listening to a ted talk today, that described adversities as an opportunity to create our identity... Not always good, but that doesn't mean they can't be helpful... I am glad I have had these experiences(despite the years of shame that propelled them).

I am excited to see who I will become in the next few years. I hope more balanced, healthy and less judgmental  of myself and others.

These days, a month in

I've been waking feeling a familiar malaise.  I don't want to get out of bed. I want to return to whatever dream, fantasy or even nightmare that I was having. I want the feeling if familiarity, of comfort in knowing that these characters know me.

I don't know that sleep and dreams are the cause. Usually later in the day I'm fine, similar to the lighter stages of my winter depression.  These last few days have been the first time in the trip I've gotten good sleep. Like 7-8 hours of actual sleep instead of constant waking. It's been nice. But maybe having that time my mind is processing things I'd have preferred to leave alone. 

Or maybe it's the weather. It's colder here.  Nice during the day and cool at night. I had to wear a few layers last night and that felt familiar. The sun isn't as present due to cloud cover but it is still there. Sometimes weather changes will throw your body out of wack and I've been feeling tight.

Maybe it's food,  I've been eating more crap and less veggies and fruit. They are slightly less available here or just not ever present on the street. More water less coffee? (I'm about to go get coffee)

Maybe it's social. I've been surrounded by people and conversations for a long time, and at this hostel haven't found the same crew.  The people I've liked have moved on, are on different schedules. People are characters and I have some bitterness towards one.  This hostel has two rooms where people watch movies and I love movies but it shuts down the conversation.   

I have three more nights here before moving on to banos. I hope to make a friend, and get back into a place where I feel like I want to do things not just feel like I should.

Cali night

I'm chillin at a hostel, the people are all getting ready to go out dancing. Many of them already fall over drunk. 

I love hammocks. I've been writing journals and blogs, taking pictures, making videos.  

I've been meeting people, making the kinds of friends you make in hostels. The kind where you learn to enjoy their presence even if you don't know their secrets. 

I've been letting my heart open up.  Recognizing the losses, trying to find laughter and lightness again, but I do gravitate to heavy. Sometimes it makes me friends - asking something real. Creates a connection different but not necessarily deeper than beer. 

My self consciousness is tidal based. Sometimes I am confident and fun and funny, other times I am scared, mousy.

I haven't met any bears yet. Not really.

I am not sure how to keep constant.

I miss people and home, but I am enjoying myself more or less.  Glad to have he time to adventure. 

Still gravitating towards the dark side.

Thoughts I be havin

So I'm super tired right now from climbing the mountain yesterday and doing a bike tour today and also being a bit sunburned...

My horoscope this morning said something about not letting a person get me down, but I think in this case it was just me.  I've worked it out, I'm feeling better about the whole thing but there is still a missing component.  

But let me start from the beginning.

Today I woke up really early to go on a bike tour that had been recommended. 

I had a couple cups of weak coffee but by the time I got there I was still feeling drained from yesterday and exhausted. So this woman who also showed up  early asked me if I knew where to get some coffee and I didn't, but I followed her to the corner store and she bought me one. We chatted and I found out she worked with refugees in Canada- similar  population to the groups that come to Minnesota.  We talked about what we were doing and a few others things and somehow( I can't remember exactly) I told her about being picky and that it meow like a disorder than just being picky.  She seemed to be ok with this and took it in stride. She shared that to unwind she salsa dances and she is headed to Cali (the home of Colombian salsa).

The tour started we talked to other interesting people saw some cool stuff but halfway through the tour stopped for refreshments and again we chatted about areas of interest. She's a world traveler, has done all these cool things id love to hear more about etc. 

Later on the tour, the guide stops at a fruit market and offers the folks the opportunity to try all of these local fruits that seem really exotic to us. Of. Course everyone dives in and I sit back because a lot of them look gross and gooey and the people make faces at the tartness and just plain differentness of the fruits.  The guide keeps offering me and eventually i say I'm picky and sort of afraid. Which was worded poorly but describes the feeling of anxiety I have around food expectations when I have no desire to eat...  To which he continually replies well it hasn't killed anyone yet. In a well meaning but misguided attempt to alleviate "my fear".   This whole thing starts triggering me about the social anxiety that comes into play with this "disorder" and is the reason some people who have this never leave the house.

Anyway he doesn't know that but internally I'm fighting a small battle between other peoples expectations and my own perceptions.  I know logically these fruits won't kill or even harm me, but mentally and perhaps physically it would be excruciating.  It's an emotional turmoil that I don't think people understand.. It's why a former counselor told me to tell people I have food allergies instead of explaining it to people.

The bike tour - combined with yesterday's exhaustive walk up the mountain, tires me out and I feel my sugar level dropping and my introversion coming out and by the end of the tour I am ready to be on my own and eat comfort food... And just not have to deal.

The girl asks me if I want to have dinner tonight.  I remind her of my food issues and she isn't phased,she says - yeah I know I was just thinking that it might be nice to go to this area of town called zona rosa and have dinner and drinks.

The combination of the three things immediately flips me.  Going out to dinner  would have been an anxiety issue in itself but now I'm  thinking about this area with bars and dancing AND dinner with food issues AND I have to tell her I don't drink. And I'm tired and need lunch and I'm kind if crabby and I won't ever see her again after today and I tell her no.

She seems to understand. I don't ask for her email because we are traveling in different directions.

But as I walk away I'm beating myself up because I never take chances like that and then wonder why I'm lonely.

I think it through and recognize the problems my self conscious intuition was picking up... But still it felt dumb.   

I realize if she has said "hey do you wanna get lunch or coffee right now" it would have been a different story.  But she needed someone to go out to The bars with her... That isn't me. As much as I would sometimes like it to be. 

But I am definitely fiening... How does an introvert meet an outgoing awesome person who wants to be around an introvert?

-it's weird how my neurosis play out- sometimes in self protection, sometimes in harm.  I just wish I had better positive outlets so it didn't trigger the anxiety and shame stuff.

Legacy

As the time to departure nears, the lists get shorter, I see the people, I complete the tasks, I prepare, and stuff away the items. Its a procedural thing. An order to follow. An allotment of time and a goal to accomplish.

But these people keep grabbing and prodding, and jarring me from my course. 
And I like it, I love it, the outpouring, the hugs and tears, and the unquestionable sentiments. The desire to see me off safe, but with a bit of reserved jealousy, a little bit of frustration, a little bit of bite. They want to see they've left a mark. So they dig, and stab, and claw with such beautifully loving gestures... and I crumble just a bit. I crumble because I can't handle that level of truth without biting my cheek, without a bit of salty wound. 

I can't leave a robot. They won't let me, and it fills me with some big breaths. Some hard swallows.

But when I try to speak even a bit... to share with them back... it just doesn't come out the way it should. 

So I feel like I'm leaving without offering reassurances. Without people knowing the gifts they've given me have mattered, have changed me, nourished me for so long.

What is this tourniquet around my speech, this restraint...  
I feel like I am selfishly gathering the blessings and running away. 

Fbjdos

Hello...its2:42 am. And I am typing on my iPad.  Because my computer is backing up to a hard drive... Forever 

.  Lightning storm.  I wanna go to sleep.

TAken at my mamas house.

Enjoy urselfsss 

The week before...

I am not sure how big of a deal to make anything. Its 1:36 in the AM, and I feel the need to make profound statements... to make grand pronouncements of the future!
Like, in the future... I will live on nothing but potatoes!
or by the time I return I will have 13 children!
or I will know how to play the guitar!

but the truth is... I have no idea what this trip will contain, or who I will be, or what I will want when I return. 
I know the amount in my bank account. 
I know I am addicted to sugar and caffeine so a potato only diet seems pretty rough.
I know I haven't produce a kid yet, so 13 seems a bit indulgent. 
I know my longest friend got engaged this weekend... and that when he first called to tell me I was chatting with my Mom and told her I was hoping he was gonna call and tell me he was engaged. So that was good timing. 
I know she practice EMDR therapy on me while we were sitting on the couch, and the process seemed to work way too quickly... and reminded me of every time I have ever processed anything. 

I know in the past week I have felt really grateful for my friends and family. Which is something I feel really happy to report because I wasn't sure my robot self was gonna allow it. 

I know I am getting there... as far as this trip. It comes on fast and then slows down and then rushes forward again.  Its a week. 

I need to make some more lists.  Get some copies and things prepared. Move a bunch of shit to my Brothers. See a few people a few more times... pay some bills.  Make some videos. Finish a book.

Hope for the best. 

Thas all we can do right?

waterfalls and concrete hearts

Have they not taken care of you? Does the water not quench your thirst, invigorate your cells, pour from the sky to remind you of abundance? What reason do you have to doubt? To fear? Is there some torment you haven’t been prepared for? 
Your heart will break, as it should. As it must, in order to prepare for loving more fully. Ripening, seasoned, cooked to release the flavor and beauty of life. If you would have an understanding of abundance, you can’t keep a heart locked up. 
Where should this spirit flow without an open conduit? It will crash and crush your castle walls. Open and break, trust the spirit to help put you back together again. Ask. Or it will teach you to ask. 

I’ve been contemplating the value and philosophies of this trip. I’ve been acknowledging the rigidity of my heart and trying to reason it away. Small moments of recognition. Of feeling. Its hard to put into words, the effort it takes to allow myself to feel. A worthy effort, but difficult right now because it comes with such aches.

Concrete example: Two instances.
I was sitting with some of my co-workers post-graduation. We were at a bar and I was thoroughly in my head, imagining things. This is the place I have been recently, imagining possibilities and things that are not, might not, should not and will be. It was an eventful week obviously. I was officially unemployed as of that evening. I was no longer a member of this community in the official capacity, not a force to be reckoned with, not an advisor or guide, not a leader, just a was. I was trying to reassure myself and them that of course I would be in the next week. And I was. And it was reassuring to all of us. But it was difficult that night to say I am letting go. Because I wasn’t prepared for that. So I was in my head. And my coworker was crying. And I was in my head. And she wanted an arm around her shoulder or a hug or some comfort, and gladly another moved in. And I was in my head. Virtually paralyzed in doubt of what I should do. I knew what she wanted, and what I wanted, but I couldn’t act, or say… and I was in my head for the next hour when we were leaving… and I forgot to tip the server, and they called me out on it and I was shocked because the thought hadn’t even come into my head. It simply didn’t exist. I was already a ghost. I was in my head. I had no presence. And the shock was enough to reduce me to embarrassment and a little shame… but I couldn’t fully pull myself from it… just too much.

The weekend was lonely. It dawned on me that I was unemployed soon to be gone. I tried to do the things I should do. I read a lot. I wrote a lot. I prepared some. I went into work on Tuesday and Wednesday. On Tuesday my coworker and I went for a walk. And I explained some of this, letting my shell crack just a little. I told her I was overwhelmed and it was causing me to be very distant and I didn’t like it. When we walked back she said “I’ll spare you the hug” she was thinking of my boundaries, but not my best interest… I was paralyzed again. In my head the words “please don’t” repeated and repeated over and over, really for a long time after. But nothing came out. I turned and left and wanted to cry, but couldn’t because I was in my head again.

 I started sharing some of this with people throughout the week… and slowly gradually I feel the walls coming down, but it’s scary. I don’t want to be a robot. I’ve seen that side of me, but it hurts a lot to leave. I haven’t been satisfied here, because I have been dreaming, ever dreaming of something else. It has clouded my vision of what I have had here, and it has made me ungrateful and unworthy, and not very giving. It feels like I am leaving on a low point in my relationships which is not how I want to leave. But it feels safer for everyone.

On Wednesday night I hung out with a friend and the 2.5 hours seemed to pass within minutes. I was caught off guard when she said it was midnight.
Yesterday I went to see Minnehaha falls with another friend, we went out for coffee afterwards and processed a lot of this. It felt like a blessing. It felt like it was what was supposed to happen. It felt really beautiful and inspiring and made me feel grateful and blessed. The time passed quickly… maybe not the same way, but I was shocked when I realized it was 6:00 PM. Many of the topics that came up felt so right… she described these situations where she felt unable to communicate and I described the situation I had just had with my coworker and we both recognized it. While she was talking I was thinking about how that feeling is something I avoid regularly. I used to be a social person, shy but wanting to reach out, and I would get stuck in that anxiety that paralysis so I stopped seeing people who made me uncomfortable, I stopped putting myself in situations where I felt that anxiety coming on. Any situation where I would be bored, or unable to offer input, or in a place where I wasn’t sure –I just completely avoided. To people who are in my life but not necessarily extremely close to me, they recognize my ability to communicate with them and assume I am able to do that with everyone at any time. It just isn’t so.

My Dad suggested that I walk into situations with the confidence I have as a teacher. Whether you are confident in the lesson or not, you fake it till you make it and social situations can be that way as well… but I hate the idea of trying to make real connections with people while playing a role.
Furthermore I have had a lot of people call me out on being arrogant or a know it all when I approach using my teacher stance.

Anyway I find myself in this position right now where I am trying to open my heart back up to relating with people deeply… the biggest concern I am recognizing is that I fear what I have to offer won’t be enough… I just don’t know what my future holds so I worry I will let people down. I don’t take the moment for what it is, I worry about what it promises. I worry that I won’t be able to follow through on my promises to others or myself.
My friend asked me why I didn’t trust that it would all work out… I said it felt entitled to believe things would work out for me when they obviously don’t for many people… and she countered that I had prepared in all the ways I could… now it was time to follow through.

Identity

I am not sure what I want to say, which is a terrible way to start writing except, I have found that often what I mean to say comes with time.

So today I was thinking about the concept of identity.
It came up several times, in various ways without being specifically mentioned.

A friend called this morning and told me about a break up, and new job prospects, and the feelings associated with each.  I tried to see myself in the roles, and could for brief seconds of time, and then couldn't again. Like I was aware but not quite there... and part of me thought that perhaps I soon would be more in that line, and part of me thought I wasn't capable. How will you relate?

I had a conversation with my Dad while walking around the lake, he wonders if my social anxiety and the anxiety of my little brother comes from him. He retreats from social situations because he can't hear, and feels not only left out but embarrassed for himself and frustrated with others that the situation can't be made more workable... we got to a point where he was talking about how in a situation you have to make the decision of how you will react... and I said I face that quite commonly at work  and sometimes even enjoy the moments of embarrassment -then decide that I can handle it and continue teaching anyway... he asked why I don't approach parties or social gatherings from that angle and I said I didn't like the hierarchical approach, the barriers it created naturally. But the idea that it was a choice nonetheless remains.   How will you approach?

I was reading this book a student gave me. I sort of love it so far, but I am trying to take it a few chapters at a time and prolong the lessons... It is about a guy who goes and lives in a Mayan village (actually at the lake I was burned on).  It talks about his struggles, his successes and his learning process throughout, but there is this running theme throughout that he is only living into a preordained path. That the things that happen need to happen, that the places and positions he gets into are necessary for the path.  He almost dies in one of the recent chapters I read... by almost dies I mean he should have been dead, massive injuries, dehydration, sever sickness, burns... he should have died, he dreams of what death is like, and then as he puts it  he asks a lizard to sing him back to life.  The sequence he shares seems very similar to things I have imagined and I loved the imagery.  He gets put back together and goes on (I haven't read this part yet), to fulfill his path...
which leaves me with the questions of How will react?  and How will we know?

I was listening to the radio and this story was playing, the end result was that the people's stuff, their home and their memory was sort of lost... and it left me with this feeling of wonder because it seemed like our life's identity was so transitory.

I was thinking of my trip, trying to set intentions and every step feels like the right step, but it also feels like I am washing away possibilities.  How long? How much? When? Where?   I wish it were a little more spelled out.

I am caught off guard by the two aspects of myself that seem to be in contradiction on this trip so far...   will I be a teacher?  or will I be a traveler? 
Will I be in transit or looking to be part of a community?
I long for both, both seem like beautiful and good intentions.
I am hoping at some point they come into alignment so I don't wander frustrated from place to place.

The midnight thoughts

I've been trying to get to bed without my regiment of asmr YouTube clips... I have not made it easy on myself considering in the last few days I have been drinking coffee into the evening. 

Today I found out who the next program manager will be.  And I am excited and nervous about the future of the school.

I have just a few days left and a few tasks to push my way through... Graduation on Thursday.  I plan on stopping by for summer school to say hi to the kids so for most it's not a total goodbye. 

Same with staff of course.  One of my coworkers reminded me that I have been one of the only continuous men in her life these last few years.  I thought that was kind of funny.   

I've been worrying a lot about the trip, about conditions and bugs and crime and how to stay safe... Worrying about money and how to have a good time while also not squandering my resources - so that I can accomplish all of my goals not just some or a half assed effort. 

I was thinking today that it might be smart to start like an online book club so that I can have shared experiences with people back home and not feel too out of touch.  Maybe it will be a book, or a movie or a writing exercise where we each write a page and then co-create a story.  

I have felt very out of touch with people lately and it occurred to me amongst my worries that I haven't prayed, haven't thanked god for the people in my life nor asked blessings for them lately - well not in the way I used to... And that bothered me.  

I was discussing in my own head how much control I can give up to god and the universe... These worries don't help me - let then go.  The fear doesn't help me - let it go.  The loneliness and distance doesn't help me - let it go - or replace it with the feeling of connection I get from being thankful for having them in my life. 

I started thinking about some of the students I was going to miss, what it is that I would tell them.  Why I believe in them.  In the 50 projects I have in my head I think it might be nice to write a series of letters- maybe graduation letters for later.    I imagine for many of them by their graduation date the separation will feel pretty final. 

Oh well I can't control the universe.  

So illy since you are the only one I know who occasionally reads this. Any thoughts on a book club or something? 

Today Today The Art of such

I have things to do I swear. I have some work to get done. Some things to pack. A whole lot of lists to make... but today I sat in a coffee shop and wrote the first 5 and a half pages of some sort of spy novel.
I have no idea why this appealed to me, but once I started I had things to say and it came out.  I don't think I am a very good writer for things like this. I have an internal monologue as a narrator... I need to find ways to create the picture of the scene without describing it outright as if someone is describing it outright.

anyway the opening line is


“The unfortunate position Joseph Shif died in was not nearly as noble as the way in which he had lived” read the Eulogy. 

It goes on to briefly share his experience before death... then the eulogist's attempts to figure out who the person was.  The eulogist ends up playing the role of detective... -as the book would go on probably get caught up in a bunch of drama he is unprepared for. I am not sure where the ending would leave the audience... whether you would find out that Joseph really is a super boring, socially awkward man with OCD, or whether he was a spy, or whether he was neither, or both?  Maybe it would just leave you unsure to make up your own mind... but regardless the Eulogist would get caught up in what he thinks is some real shit.