My horoscope this morning said something about not letting a person get me down, but I think in this case it was just me. I've worked it out, I'm feeling better about the whole thing but there is still a missing component.
But let me start from the beginning.
Today I woke up really early to go on a bike tour that had been recommended.
I had a couple cups of weak coffee but by the time I got there I was still feeling drained from yesterday and exhausted. So this woman who also showed up early asked me if I knew where to get some coffee and I didn't, but I followed her to the corner store and she bought me one. We chatted and I found out she worked with refugees in Canada- similar population to the groups that come to Minnesota. We talked about what we were doing and a few others things and somehow( I can't remember exactly) I told her about being picky and that it meow like a disorder than just being picky. She seemed to be ok with this and took it in stride. She shared that to unwind she salsa dances and she is headed to Cali (the home of Colombian salsa).
The tour started we talked to other interesting people saw some cool stuff but halfway through the tour stopped for refreshments and again we chatted about areas of interest. She's a world traveler, has done all these cool things id love to hear more about etc.
Later on the tour, the guide stops at a fruit market and offers the folks the opportunity to try all of these local fruits that seem really exotic to us. Of. Course everyone dives in and I sit back because a lot of them look gross and gooey and the people make faces at the tartness and just plain differentness of the fruits. The guide keeps offering me and eventually i say I'm picky and sort of afraid. Which was worded poorly but describes the feeling of anxiety I have around food expectations when I have no desire to eat... To which he continually replies well it hasn't killed anyone yet. In a well meaning but misguided attempt to alleviate "my fear". This whole thing starts triggering me about the social anxiety that comes into play with this "disorder" and is the reason some people who have this never leave the house.
Anyway he doesn't know that but internally I'm fighting a small battle between other peoples expectations and my own perceptions. I know logically these fruits won't kill or even harm me, but mentally and perhaps physically it would be excruciating. It's an emotional turmoil that I don't think people understand.. It's why a former counselor told me to tell people I have food allergies instead of explaining it to people.
The bike tour - combined with yesterday's exhaustive walk up the mountain, tires me out and I feel my sugar level dropping and my introversion coming out and by the end of the tour I am ready to be on my own and eat comfort food... And just not have to deal.
The girl asks me if I want to have dinner tonight. I remind her of my food issues and she isn't phased,she says - yeah I know I was just thinking that it might be nice to go to this area of town called zona rosa and have dinner and drinks.
The combination of the three things immediately flips me. Going out to dinner would have been an anxiety issue in itself but now I'm thinking about this area with bars and dancing AND dinner with food issues AND I have to tell her I don't drink. And I'm tired and need lunch and I'm kind if crabby and I won't ever see her again after today and I tell her no.
She seems to understand. I don't ask for her email because we are traveling in different directions.
But as I walk away I'm beating myself up because I never take chances like that and then wonder why I'm lonely.
I think it through and recognize the problems my self conscious intuition was picking up... But still it felt dumb.
I realize if she has said "hey do you wanna get lunch or coffee right now" it would have been a different story. But she needed someone to go out to The bars with her... That isn't me. As much as I would sometimes like it to be.
But I am definitely fiening... How does an introvert meet an outgoing awesome person who wants to be around an introvert?
-it's weird how my neurosis play out- sometimes in self protection, sometimes in harm. I just wish I had better positive outlets so it didn't trigger the anxiety and shame stuff.
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