I know its hard for you to understand

-like its hard for me to understand when you question what is in front of you.

Is a chair a chair or isn't it?

and I wonder why you are calling yourself a chair

but I do understand past my impish smile, these are the worries caused by those chains deeply hidden... and I recognize myself in them now.

Recognize their grasp as the doubt that keeps me from moving forward,

cold digging shakes my frame,

piercing, so every dream is punctured,

and the dark ever enveloping, shroud of confusion, panic building.

and these are my outbursts, tears gathering at odd moments.

lack of comforting gestures, clenched responses -held like shoulders and teeth grinded

arms crossed and hunched over

so that everything returns to the child's pose

Along with the Modest Mouse

I am such a stalker.

I have a hard time getting over things obviously.

Its hard for me to know what to say or do, I am pretty much completely out of touch with these people, and yet on the daily I want to know how they are. When presented the opportunity to talk, I don't. When I perceive hints dropped, I don't want to overly presume, whats in a picture? We all like desserts. 

This week is official testing and I am in charge and it is scary... but soon over. This is usually the most stressful time of the school year for me.

Last week I was supposed to post on the Spirit of Truth Blog, but I had writers block, or creativity block or something -so I didn't and have felt bad all week. I hope I don't start a trend of non posting.

This week we are having a big event on Sunday. It will be a SoT lead action against Cub Foods on behalf of cleaning workers and be the kickoff of a campaign called Receipts for Rights... a show of economic power to get Cub to think about helping the cleaning workers out.

Yesterday I wrote a poem about how I can't trust my eyes in the mirror... its really sort of an awful thing. I mean there are times when I have such strong contempt for myself -its hard to get over. Other times I think I look really good. Other times I am confronted with these strange realities that in certain ways I am skinnier than skinny people... like unhealthy skinny but it doesn't look like it to me. Other times I find bits and pieces and my mind likes to draw imaginary dotted cut here lines... like the other day I was wondering what my arm would look like if it weren't there. Bits and pieces of soft roundness  I think is how I described it...

Well anyway... its sort of scary. Its really hard for me though because I feel like the problem with my body is that it is mismatched. Like my arms and legs are clearly too skinny and my frame is clearly too big... so what do I do? I can't gain weight in my limbs my body won't allow it...

Anyway... unhealthy thoughts. I am trying to process though, to realize that I can't really be trusted.

Its interesting to see how people change as they age. Some get extra layers and some shrink.

I owe the government 500 bucks... comcast a couple hundred, car insurance another 500... my credit card 800, my savings account about 1000. I am behind in all my goals for the year... but I had a really good trip so its all good. -maybe no trip this summer... maybe something local and cheap like camping.

Need to find a new place.

Need to find a new love.

Need to not judge.

"This is my gift to god! 

I'm jumpin' out the cake, 

naked with a shank!" 

~Sage Francis

I really enjoy manipulating and MS painting photos of myself. I have tried a few other people, but I don't feel comfortable posting those pictures.

Dear body,
I have been trying to be a little more inclusive of you in my thoughts lately. You know, thank the lord that you work to some extent.  Try to think of you positively and not always negatively like normal.  Look I know I am critical, I know I "other" you a bit too much (like right now),  but   think we all would both do better if you stopped this whole  "getting sick every time you're nervous" thing.  Its really not helping that I have to run to the bathroom when I am trying to process things. Its not helpful to have such a typhoon of queasiness interrupting every other aspect of my life, because it only makes me more nervous and causes me to become fixated on whatever is going on. So... in conclusion, not helpful.
Thanks
Mike's brain (which is causing the problem, but would like the rest of you to handle it better)

Hello hello

So...  I guess in a few days I will be in England. Hanging with Becky, kicking it brit style. In the meantime I have a few people to hang with, namely Jess V, Lace and Illy...
I got a list of things to do... like make some cds, buy some mints, pack a bag, pick some books, 2 days of work.
I would also theoretically like to play one more game of CIV V before I go, but that doesn't seem to be happening... maybe if I get the other things done tonight.

What to report... we are in evals time for winter trimester. Its weird it brings out the best and worst in people.
Its amazing how some things cut through to the character of a person.

I spent a few hours thinking about things my students had said and that I had overheard...

One was a student showing disbelief and contempt when he thought another student had said something about it being sad that a rapist had died.  The student had misheard the other, I don't know what they were actually talking about, probably therapists or something... but since yesterday it has been a topic around school since a sex offender was seen in the parking lot talking to some of the middle school students. 

Protecting my students is of course a major concern, I don't want anything to happen to them and would do as much as I could to protect them, but the one students contempt got to me.  

It was as if the person wasn't human... this mystery dead "rapist" was undeserving of any feelings of sadness, his family didn't matter, his friends didn't matter.  It was "good that he was dead." 

Similarly many of my students first reaction to hearing that there was a sex offender in the neighborhood was "I'll kick his ass". As if hundreds of sex offenders didn't live in our neighborhoods. 

I guess it just bothered me how easily they could disregard this person's humanity because of their crime.  I know its not the same thing, but it reminds me how easily a rapist can disregard their chosen victims humanity.

It scares me. 

My reaction surprised me. Just a month or two ago I wanted to go out hunting for certain people... I wanted them hurt, humiliated, brought to justice. I still want justice... but I can recognize their humanity now too.

Similarly, it bothered me when I overheard a different group of students talking about how funny it  would have been to see a woman embarrassed and humiliated, this was a different situation... I didn't catch who or what the situation was... but basically they wished they had been there to witness a woman's mistake or something... maybe it was a teacher... I dunno. I can understand their voyeurism, I watch failblog, the most embarrassing mistakes and blunders... but from a distance. In the moment, were I there I would be sympathetic, I would worry, I would want to reassure, or help... but that was not my student's reaction.

makes me think this shit is real

Now what to do about it?

I don't know what is wrong with me lately... I seem to be more irritable than normal, tired, cranky, in and out of feeling productive. Part of me is super focused for a few hours and then totally worthless.

I don't like how weighted down my mind feels.
I don't like my body.
I don't want to do anything.
I'm really sort of stubborn about seeing people.
I'm still following through on most commitments which is good, but ugh who wants to be around this?

On a side note, its hard to fantasize when you don't do anything, or meet anyone new.

I contribute to this website regularly...

We are doing some pretty cool things with a group of cleaning workers who are trying to get recognized as human beings. They are the people who clean all of our retail stores but unlike their fellow employees they do not get benefits, fair wages or even union recognition.
You can find out more about them over here

Hmmm what else is going on.  
I am going to England, did I mention that?
Finals start this week, so the kids are going crazy and self-sabotaging. 



I have been having those moments of nostalgia a lot lately...

Hey    how are you?

I don't have much to say.
I saw a play last night.
It was brilliant and the audience was really white.
I judged the guy next to me poorly, and later when we talked he seemed really nice.
Its weird to go to a big fancy play by your self.
I miss people.
I really need to do laundry but don't want to go to the laundromat (all week). I already bought socks to keep me from having to go.
I haven't been wearing deodorant all week... and decided it was necessary after work today. I don't like the smell of my own BO.
I have no idea what is going on with this charlie sheen thing, but I think the shit I have heard sounds pretty weird.

I am going to England for spring break. I imagine that I will have time to explore the city and I am kind of geeked at getting to see some medieval shit again.
I know I simultaneously love and hate traveling... but I think this will be a good trip.

I got nothin for ya

I hate that roadblock style of sadness...
I think I have been avoiding it at almost all cost...
I don't want to, its just that I have responsibilities and I don't want to let everyone down... because I feel like I am.
I feel like I can't make things better for anyone right now... and the sort of immense weight of it all is starting to make me pull back in every direction... like not call people back, like not check it with those I should, like ignore and press on in directions that seem easy.

I don't know what to do with this sadness... I feel like all I have ever been good at is loving hurt people, but sometimes its too fresh, too scalding hot, too razor sharp.  I can't help but love, can't help but stare, can't help but desire things that really I can't make work...
I don't know how to make it easy for you, any of you... not with broken hearts, or poisoned minds or stabbed souls and vulnerable bodies.

I can't make light of it, I can't keep the tears from coming, I can't offer advice that actually soothes... I can't make any of it go away.

and I know how vulnerable it makes you to reach out. I am glad that you do... but I'm starting to feel empty too... who can I reach out to when everyone I care about or trust  is feeling broken?

This one is for you

This took  me a long time to figure out how to do... but this is actually my first attempt at recording it... and now I am afraid to try again in case I don't like it.

Falling (The Heart's Lament"     By Taff (with musical backing by John Frusciante)

This morning I had this beautiful dream. I awoke several times and it felt really easy to jump right back into the vividness and story.  Its not so much that the storyline was great... I don't remember much of that anyway... it was that I could feel the emotions of each character, their inner desires and so things melted together. No one was confused or hurt. They spread love to each other and comforted one another.
There was a couple, they were practically kids, but I felt I was one of them, and they were in love and everyone knew it was meant to be.
They were in awe of each other, but because they understood each other could explore that desire without worrying about judgments. Each gesture and phrase was welcome, was received with the best of intentions.

I woke up. I went to church still in a daze. I sang, I talked, I listened to the reading. I smiled at people.  But the moment it was over I wanted to leave, to finish my day.  I thought I was hungry, I had to return a book.
I went to borders, I went to leeaan chin I came home I went to bed. I wanted to experience their love again.

I wish I could crawl back into my dreams like I do my bed.

I dreamed again, but this time it wasn't happy. I understood the characters, their motivations weren't pure. They were struggling for power, for home, for personal comfort. They weren't received well so they took it without asking. They were thieves and criminals and I understood them, but I didn't like them. I could explain their actions, their constant battles to deceive and manipulate, but I couldn't love them, and they couldn't love either.

I wake. Its superbowl sunday, people are watching football.
I am hungry again but I don't want to eat. I have work to do but I don't want to do it. I have books to read but don't want to read. I wish I were satiated and not headachy

I wish I could crawl back into my dreams like I do my bed.

wow... weeks went by

I think its crazy how many things one can avoid just by ignoring them
I usually am huge on the news but there are some things that seem too big
I need to get some things fixed but I just don't do it
I need to pay some bills and do my taxes and change my tax status... but whatever
I need to listen to those cds... and do some writing, and  oh well

Its not that I am doing nothing... I am doing
just not necessarily the things that should be done
because its my own form of rebellion
much better than skipping meals or hurting people.

find something beautiful and hold on to it.

I don't want to be afraid and hateful.
Remind me to find the love whenever and where ever I can.

I don't want violence towards any people... but there is something really beautiful about righteous anger...

Men are so fucking awful, stupid and useless.
entitled arrogant assholes,
responding with anger when we are hurt and violence to get our way.

I just want to hit someone in the face.

Maybe its human, but I don't want to assume that all humans are given/taught the same options.
Because assuming one half is the only half, is more than half of the problem.

I was reading this book, that though crazy and way out there made me feel good about the world, and feel like there was hope... and it must have been meant to happen (reading the book) because I don't feel hopeless... I am full of hope... I just feel useless.

Flea does a really nice job on "Heaven"
also I really like the lyrics.

Suppose I should post.

what do I got?
ummmm
I put up some audio  over here

couple of poems from some stuff

also tyler blanski has been doing some podcasts... I like this one the best, but the one on risk is pretty interesting too.

Holy shite its been a week.  I thought it was like a day and a half.
Um it was a good week, a fine week a week full of things and other stuff.

Mostly I am happy.

I have been spending the last hour recording poetry. 
The few hours before that writing a big long essay type thing... Well I spose its only 2 pages so not so long. But I take forever to write since I edit as I go.

Um... things are on the up and up or the left and left.
How are you?

I have felt tons of love this weekend from the homies and the fam and the coworkers... truly blessed I am.
If anything happens this year and I am suddenly dead, know it was a good ride and you were awesome.


more later.

Since I have to go

You should read this poem by Adrianne
(then maybe check out her other wonders)

I was gonna make you a video... but I didn't like how any of them turned out. 

People say I am a decent performer, I get fairly good responses from open mics... but I never ever like the way the video's turn out when I am just fucking around. 

I don't know what it is exactly... between sound quality and  just looking awkward they never seem good. 

I have been watching a lot of john frusciante covers.

He has a really hard voice to cover for several reasons... 

A) He sings in falsetto a lot

B) He sometimes purposefully holds notes starting out of tune and then going into tune. 

C) He uses his voice like an instrument a lot, going from soft vocals to screaming in seconds...

D) He overdubs his own stuff so sometimes he hits multiple notes on the same vocals (so when you do it by yourself it doesn't sound right)

E) Sometimes the lyrics are unintelligible.

F) anyone who is also doing the guitar parts has all of these troubles vocally, plus musically since he does the same things with the guitar... so it makes it really hard to do everything.

This leads to anyone trying to do a cover to sometimes having to make up their own versions.

This is a song I performed at an open mic once: This guy does a fairly decent job although his italian accent is a little hard on some of the lyrics.

The actual lyrics are: 

Carried through the road so far alone
Days glue themselves to what is wrong
And soon the hills will swallow us up
Plans will pass her up

Land on the walls is laid out
I know you're in pain
Train for the cause is staying down
It plays you out

Fall out of love again
Your dreams all end 

This song meant a lot to me in high school. I took this cd to Italy when I was 16 or 17 with my friends. I fell in love with the music while falling in love with the Mediterranean and the people I was with. It seemed that every lyrics was meant for me and the trip. The whole plane ride back I was heartbroken and couldn't stop thinking about all these people I loved. When I got off the plane at the airport my mom took one look at me and said something like "I know honey, I'm sorry." 

clearly knowing I wanted to cry. 

Its funny how often I return home wanting to cry. 

most of the hits are local...

yall know you can say hi
right?


this thing doesn't have to just be me grumbling about life... and when people interact I have an easier time coming back to write more.
What are your thoughts?  (on subject or not on subject?)

Often times the things I say to Illy wind up on here.

It has been a few days internet, did you miss me?

I guess I have been too exhausted with work to put any effort into this. Mostly I have been cruising the funny sites to try to keep my mood alive. The first few days were rough. Kids all adjusting to new sleep schedules and some to school in general (some just got back from long breaks). Crabby ass mofos... and talkative ass mofos... that was all I had. Also we had to subject them to some testing right away... and that's just gross. 

Anyway... today was a really fun day in classes... Things just went according to plan and the kids were engaged and alive and joked in a fun way instead of being disruptive. I spose I didn't cover everything I wanted to, but they seemed to know the important things. 

* Having separate blog accounts is really annoying. I currently have 4 different accounts, not blogs but accounts... meaning 4 different e mails to sign in with -which is annoying because it always thinks I want a different one. I keep them separate because I don't want the two work blogs to be able to find this one... I don't want this one to find the more private one... so I guess you guys will have to just be satisfied with three you can get to. I also started a tumblr account just to mess around with their options but so far I don't really like it... mostly I use it to watch funny videos. 

So speaking of the title of this post... Tonight Illy and I decided to have a baby. Not really but I told her I wouldn't object if she roofied me. Anyway, we were talking about unplanned pregnancies and I have been thinking for quite awhile that if that happened to me at this point I would support keeping the baby. I don't know that I am ready to parent or could afford it, but its got to start sometime somehow and surprises can be fun. 

I had dinner with my grandmother last night and it made me kind of frustrated that I don't have a better attitude towards seeing her. She is actually a lot of fun, good conversation, I learn a lot about life from being around her... I just don't tend to assume it will be a good time. Anyway it was great but I get nervous around her. We have a movie date on Sunday. 

I scratched my voice singing John Frusciante and decided to ask some of my students who like him if they want to do a cover at the talent show/cabaret/benefit show we do in Spring.

X mas at my Dads tomorrow, then hanging with lacey. 

My dad asked me today if it was ok to not celebrate my birthday on the date so that he could go to the Timberwolves game, and I thought that was really cute... but entirely unnecessary, then he made me promise that I wouldn't be spending the night doing nothing... but sometimes I need to do nothing so that I am happy to do something other times. 

I really like my coworkers. I just really think they are awesome, the students too. There isn't usually a day that goes by without a few moments where I just reflect on how really amazing someone in the building is. 

I wish I had a video or picture to jazz this up a bit... hmmm  what can I find..

 I have probably posted this before (possibly really recently) but this is from my fav music dvd

Back to work

HMMMM first day of work. Long and slow and exhausting.

I feel like I should have something really profound to say. I had a wonderful conversation and visit with Gabi last night about everything going on in the world... and there were moments where I totally spaced out because I was thinking about how amazing she was. I guess I have this with a lot of people but I don't get to see her as often as I used to.

Anyway...

Got to hang with Russ a bit tonight. Hes always interesting. Better start reading soon...

Wish I had more to say but I am le tired.  

More tomorrow maybe. 

I said maybe damnit.

Heres to you Nicola and Bart

I hope tonight is not like last night... but I think part of what is going on with the over thinking is that the hypnosis vids haven't been working as well lately.

Thoughts

Class planning
Work
friends
possible coffee dates (friendship)
ok I am gonna try again.
go to sleep mike.

Listen to Songs I Enjoy

Just checking out some options...

Me at 5 AM this morning when I couldn't sleep. I think its funny how my eyes sometimes don't look like they are looking at the same thing in pictures. I have never been asked about having a lazy eye or anything.

Then again, it could just be that it was 5 am and my eyes were tired of being open. 

I was in bed all warm, 2 cats by my side, lights off, listening to relaxing sleep hypnosis audio, about to go to sleep...

Then my roommates came home stomping around at 2 am. 

Its funny, I'm not even tired I just feel like I should go to sleep.

I actually want to go out, be reckless (drink coffee at 2 am)  have conversation, do something I'd have done 5 years ago. I just feel like its time to go to bed... because I can't think of anything else I have energy to do.

Also funny, I get annoyed with my roommates for turning on lights, stomping around etc, but I told Morgan tonight that I was thinking of moving out. There is no telling what future roommates would be like. They may be worse than these ones.

**************************************************************************


Things that I am thinking about.

A) When I return to work there are about 4 things that will need to immediately be addressed. 

1) Testing: Retests happen right away

2) Enrollment issues: we just dropped like 13 kids that means at least that many new ones to have to teach the system to. I think the biggest problem I have with this school is the constant in/outflux.

3) Counselor: we are in the process of mending and healing. Will it be successful?

4) Classes: Sadly, this comes last  because all the other stuff is way more stressful. 

Winter group curriculum surrounds the negative side of sexuality and abuse and how our society actually promotes this, to some extent. It is some of the hardest stuff for me to teach because I often feel like I am teaching against stuff that I might otherwise think is ok (in context). We also discuss feelings!!! Stress, depression, grief, etc but this is actually the harder stuff for the students because they don't like to process all of it.   Personally I will be teaching Psychology, World History ( Early Civs) and US History 2 which basically covers the 1800s.  I am looking forward to these classes but haven't spent a whole lot of time thinking about them. I have already taught all of the classes I will be teaching... so its more about updating, refining and infusing the curriculum with an excitement boost, for instance I remember teaching psychology using a couple of text books that bored the pants off the kids. Its a hard subject but I will try to find ways to make it more exciting (more visuals certainly).

B) Tomorrow Schedule is as follows: 

Wake up

Go to 11:00 Church

Lunch with Mom

Coffee with Russ

Something with Gabs and possibly Illy

Sleep (hopefully get to sleep without going through what I am going through tonight...)

Its not so much that any of that is worrisome, its just a lot of people in a day to have good conversation with. 

I get exhausted. 

C) Projects, Secrets, Desires, Dreams

1) Ongoing project of updating that website.

2) I have been wanting to do a video project for some time. Anything from vlogging, to poetry, to hypnosis, to interviews, to reviews, to church visits, to whatever.

3) I want to write more. I was thinking of trying to write both a blog post and a creative thing every day.

4) I want to read more. I haven't been able to open a book the whole break. Its annoying.

5) I want to stop doing the same things all the time. I am addicted to my computer (half the projects I want to do relate to it) I am addicted to certain websites and I think they drain me of my creativity and my ambition.

6) I want to find someone new to be interested in. Its not so much that I am sick of the old people, but I am sick of them being people that have no interest in me (in that way). Its starting to feel rather pathetic and yet I am not sure how to proceed. 

7) It seems like every day I dream about doing something different than what I am currently. Its not so much that I am unhappy with life, I am just eager to have other experiences. Some of them come from fears... what would you do if you went to prison?  If someone died? If you lost the use of your legs or had a stroke?  Some of it comes from wanting to travel... could you teach in Yemen?  Uruguay? Malaysia?  What else are you capable of? Could I be a tour guide? A journalist? A writer? A photographer? An activist? A monk? 

Some of it comes from wondering when and where I will meet the next person who changes my life... do I need to go to new places? Take classes? Get a degree? Change schools?  Hang out with different friends? Go to bars or concerts or open mics?  Some of it comes from worrying that I am too rigid... should I be less cautious? More reckless? Should I flirt and follow up even if I am not interested immediately? Should I just say yes to everything? 
 

D) Of course  the comcast bill!!!!!

The neighbors still haven't paid me. My passive strategy hasn't worked and I am sliding drastically into aggressive, skipping the nice assertive stage I should have started with. LEARN YOUR LESSON BOY!

I think worst case scenario I get screwed over a few hundred bucks. Best case scenario they are just being lazy and haven't gotten back to me yet. I am worried they will disagree and I don't have the actual bill anymore (because I gave it to them). What measures can I take to address it if they contest? Do I call the cops and say they stole the Comcast boxes? Do I shut off their cable and hope they return it? Such a stupid thing to fight over. I don't think they even know we are fighting... because I keep giving them time to prove me wrong. Need to be assertive... tomorrow is the day.



This is what I stay up worrying about
and so much more... but now I am tired... so I will attempt again to go to bed.  Good night monkey face.

(this was the second or third try already)

Here is what I am listening to. This video is a compilation someone made of their videos and put the song to it...

Fuck you internet

I have decided that I will write a post daily for as long as I can keep it up... Then probably have long holes where I don't write and then write again after apologizing for not writing.
In your face!



One thing I have noticed about blogging is that it is very difficult to go back to plain old text after using bold or color  because everything looks so blah...

I am updating several posts a day on that other site. Its a fun project. I decided to use this feature every time I am adding a new bit of information or new major additions...

I need someone new to stalk or think about.

A New Year (and I am angsty and listening to Nirvana)

New song by the Flobots. I didn't know they had a new album out... might need to pick that up.

 I like the message. To wage peace at any cost... to be adamant about it.

New Years

Hmmm, what does it mean?

I said to Lacey tonight that 2010 was a long year... I guess I meant that a lot had changed and a lot had settled.  People are lighting fireworks off on my street.  What are some of these things... well unfortunately some of them don't feel like things I should talk about or dwell on.  

I mean simple enough several friends left town, to other cities, to other countries.  Some for a short time, others for a distance. More than that, people settled into their new lives... It was interesting to hang with some of the cats who came back,  Hollie, Melissa, Kelsey, Zach  they have new lives and relationships that seem to be headed places.   

Pete didn't come home for that very reason. Gabi and I will get together soon. I didn't see Ryan but Sarah confided to me that they were well on their way to their new life. 

Morris cats at the party seemed in new places. Some of the adventure is gone, some new ones starting. Grad school for some cats, late nights writing novels for others, new jobs, more security maybe.

What about closer to home. Who was I excited by a year ago? How about now?

What were the real things I cared about this year?  performances and trips stand out for personal reasons... me facing the world again, feeling like me, but who wants to face the world alone? So no... none of those were really my favorite times. 

A Project I actually started this winter break...

Along with the beginning of a headache my body has also begun to redo an old blog.

You see years ago I started a travel blog that quickly became a regular blog (you are looking at it BTW), years later after realizing I couldn't use this just as a travel blog anymore I quickly created a really shabby awful travel blog for a project I was doing for school at the time. I am not sure the Professor ever even looked at it, and I certainly did not spend a whole lot of time on there either... but eventually I posted a bunch of half assed bullshit posts about my trip and got an A in the class. Woot!

The thing is, I was so unimpressed with that blog that I stopped using it, stopped linking to it, totally abandoned it forever... or did I?

Lately I have been feeling really unproductive... my creativity drive is empty and my desire to be productive is up but I couldn't think of anyway to remedy the two... until today when I decided to revamp the old with the new tools I know about on blogger.
Now this is an ongoing project... not only am I going to go back and redo the old posts, but I am going to add more content (Bigger Better Newer BADDERASSER)
anyway... this will take a while. I am planning on adding as much fun content as possible, both from my own storehouses (pictures, movies, quotes, poems etc)  but also from the interwebs and other folks (full on copyright infringement badassery!)

Anyway... feel free to check it out

so far I have only redone a few from way back at the beginning... but I think you can tell the difference no?  NO?

Songs and people I been listenin to

Bare Truth

A Video my Sister did

the animation that is Hollie

"Tied Prom Digs on the Docks" (is amazing)

Not my hair, but certainly my wig and fez



My little brother has more hair than me.
This has never happened in the history or our lives.



My sis and her boy



Lace glowing



Illy foxed up



Chris Animated




Chris normal



Everyone loves a train

"My devil makes me dream
like no other mortal dreams"

Oh I have nothing to say at all lately.
That's not true, I have nothing new to say about me I think is what I am getting at. I spent most of the day conversing with people so it would seem rather foolish to say I have nothing to say. Hollie and Chris heard a mouthful and a half, my voice now strained.

I just spent some time going through the archives... its funny how there are periods I don't really enjoy. I wonder if this will be one of them.

Part of me wants to make a resolution that I will start posting more often, but for what?

My bank account is in a sorry state and I haven't made it through the week yet.
I should have plenty-o-checks in my box when I go back to work, but I spent pretty much what I got back for X-mas and the time off is not an easy time to be cheap.


-Some ideas I have been throwing around ( and will probably happen)
Make some mix cds
Make some videos/vlog/poem vids
Get my compy fixed
Go to work (get shit done)
Pay the bills
Start some projects

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The annual angst filled holiday message

What is it with me and holidays?

Its not just the big ones its like all of them, but the big ones... or rather the family ones are the worst.

On the way to church tonight all I could think about was what I would say if I had a second before I died. I imagined it happening on the way to church, imagined it being the perfect time, since as far as I know I am at peace with everyone and everything in my life. It seemed only natural to be hit by another car or have my own slide on some ice and I might be in a coma for a few weeks and I might die some time around my birthday.
But I wanted everyone to know it was ok... and the words that I came up with were not the normal ones I think about but something more like
"God gave me the gift of seeing you through his eyes for a bit, and oh how beautiful you are, oh ow much I love you!"

but it didn't happen.

I made it to the small church, dark and quiet. Waited there for the people to show.
It was a small gathering but as large as we ever have. I was in a weird mood, contemplative maybe, or maybe just in my head... but from the first song I knew I was discontented.

"Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel! "

And all I could think about were the captives of the current state of Israel, the people around the world waiting for some savior who has not come. Christians have lost all meaning of what it meant originally to believe in a savior, it was to believe in the ending of your misery. Christ for most Christians throughout time is not that, but rather the promise that this life is not eternal, that there might be something better... and I don't believe that we should wait.

So interpreting that song through the Spirit of Truth lens, means recognizing that God is with us now. Which I believe, but I don't feel it on these holy nights. I feel the absence, or rather the work undone. These holy holidays feel broken, like my family, I feel the loss more than the wholeness that is promised. I feel for the suffering who cannot celebrate, I feel a need to embrace so strongly that I shut down... I withdraw and its always this way.

Every holiday its melancholy mike, angsty boy, selfish if not sad... and tonight as the service went on I realized that part of it really was just sadness. Almost hidden and yet so heavy... by the end of the service I cried for the loss of my Grampa, because these small dark christmas eve services remind me of him, and though I believed in them very little at the time, I knew it meant something to be there... and it never will again. So I cried for my gramps. Cried for lack of fully authentic episcopal regimented traditions (which tonight certainly was not).
Cried, as I believe I cried then, every holiday saddened by the distance between my family, saddened by the extra hardship, the unsaid things that couldn't be said like "I miss you" or "I love you" or "things shouldn't have happened that way" (at the very least). That feeling that young children have when they have divorced parents where when they are with one, they want the other until they are with the other and realize they want both and it won't ever happen...
Cried like maybe I cried when my grandmother died, not because I knew her well, or loved her well, but because my father did. Because there is a hole in his heart where the love he exchanged with his mother was kept, and now its bigger with my grampa gone too... and in her case, Christmas was when she died so though he was with us, he still seemed somewhat hurt all the time.

But there is something else there too...
Its that whole cheesy rejoice! thing, that whole "Merry Christmas" thing that doesn't look lightly upon my scroogery. The anxious shopping, the guilt and pleasantries, bah humbug.

Rejoice for your salvation? or rejoice for your materialism? or rejoice for your desire to fit in?

Why are these days different? Either rejoice for your reasons daily or perhaps in the moment or shut up.

Fake merriment for what? Bah humbug.

If the point is to take a moment to love your family or your god, then why plasticize it? Why gift wrap it? Why even make it sacred as if to say the other days aren't...


But today I was fed by the Lebanese. Lunch from Emily's and dinner from Soho, I am glad they come in so many varieties or I would not get to eat. It struck me my family is dependent on a small restaurant for all we have left of our traditional ethnicity. True each family has a recipe or two, but rarely do they make them... so its all about Emily's.
I wonder if the people there know about families like mine. Know that they carry a weight for us that if dropped would mean ties severed finally.

It makes me wonder and it makes me cry to be so American now.

Part 1
Well what to write about?

I been seeing friends lately, the music is playing beautifully lately, quite often I have been stopped in my tracks by a song or two. Most recently I believe it was Beirut at Pizza Luce… something about those horns… (so now I am listening to it again). A few days ago at Ben O’s apartment it was Atmosphere and Ben Folds, what about the music in my car from Victoria Astronautalis, or Joanna Newsom at Laurel and Huck and Jared’s (and again in my home), or that fleet foxes cover song those british girls did on youtube… oh the music is quite clear and beautiful.

I like the snow lit streets, I have always loved that orange glow and the way the sky lights up and makes me feel not alone in the dead of cold cold winter. It snowed again tonight and it seems sometimes that it will just go on this way forever.

There are plans for sledding, and movies and hot chocolate, and lunch dates and probably dinner dates and games… I lost really bad today in Settlers, I never really gave myself a chance thinking more about possibilities for adventure than realistic strategy… I think sometimes I get excited and don’t use my brain. I won one game of darts out of 4 and was happy to lose to Lacey though I didn’t let her win, I just like to see her smile. We bowled and I did aight during one game and not so hot another… but it was fun with the company and bowling should be fun.

So who have I seen so far?
Well… Jessica and Jess, Kelsey and Hollie, Zach and some others… Illy and Lacey, Laurel, Huck, Jared and Joey. Jenna and Christ(ina), Melissa and Alicia last week. My fam…
I guess I would say I am doing pretty good.
I talked to Pete today and he sounded good, happy, moving forward (which is a nice change).

Part 2
But what makes me really want to write?

The overwhelming feeling of love unrequited? The unwelcome sense of entitlement? The jealousy and insecurity inherent in anxious thoughts? The defensive protection, but for their sake or mine?

I was having a really nice time tonight when a familiar notion popped into my head. I remember first having this idea rather strongly with Gabi and Pete way back whenever that was… or maybe it was earlier… maybe it’s some childhood feeling I developed that transformed me into the oddity that I am. Anyway… I am sure it is not so rare to think this, I see it in movies sometimes… the friendship love that becomes threatened and suddenly feels like romantic love… but it isn’t really… it’s that sense that what you have with another person is special, that you know them, have invested in them, want more for them… and when you see that “threatened” it suddenly becomes too much and you want to claim them.
But having no right… you just act jealous.

But it’s not so special… no because I have felt this how many times before? And will undoubtedly feel it again… even when I have someone to love me… it’s just that love and infatuation are not so easily reconciled, it’s just that love is not so easily confined to single spaces… sometimes it grows in the moment and in those moments it’s not always easy to know whether it will shrink or grow some more... The expansion of the heart can be a lonely process…

Tonight I felt so loving and lonely.

Easy to start to believe you are the only one going through it, even if their smiles and eyes and reassurances tell you otherwise.

Part 3
In other ways though I find myself shrinking away… it’s easy to see that the work required for the maintenance of such giving two way exchanges is no longer something I am as open to. I mean, how many of these people I have at one point in my life or two points or many points been overwhelmed with. How many times I felt heart break for each of them, longed for them, comforted them, was comforted by them, though each relationship distinct…

but why is it that I suddenly see them on a break, in the past I am pretty sure I would have braked for them. I would have changed course for them. No? Or maybe I wouldn’t, but I would have spent the nights and days obsessed with the idea of it. Even the ones who don’t know it… how radiant they seemed to me… and now? Is the charm gone? Am I spent on my giving, are my magic eyes warn out?

I still see glimpses, just as I still hear music.

Its small jokes, its small glimmers, it’s small gestures, its space between words, reassuring words and hushed secrets.

Perhaps in order to be a better teacher I had to let go of those who carried me here? Or perhaps I am always traveling on with the specters of love my passengers, stuffed in my suitcase, spilling out, spilling out of the ideas I share and the smiles I smile.
Perhaps I am just in need of refreshing, a new spring or a night adventure, a trip abroad or a lover.

Maybe in my dreams tonight…

Which is what it felt like tonight, like dreams are the only place it feels in reach.

Not having a car is starting to get to me.
Also I am totally out of it...
Intellectually I am looking for stimulation but not feeling much emotionally. Its hard to fake it too.
Like I know I should care... but its kind of numb over here.
Doing things out of obligation but not really wanting to.
I have work to do and it seems hard to get into the right frame of mind.
I have doubts about the worth of most actions right now.
I am wondering if I just burned myself out on fantasy.
So introverted.

Emily some of your pictures of Japan make it seem otherworldly in a magical way.
Like Shinto devotion...



I am avoiding family obligations. Originally I was supposed to go out of town today but weather and other factors have me here. I love my family, I just hate the anxiety I have around holidays.



I just took a really hot shower. We haven't had the best results with hot water these past few months. I realized that part of my need for cleansing was semi scalding water(for a second or two). Leaves my skin dry and cracked and sometimes I get cuts and things from washing my hands so much... but it feels incomplete without a bit of burn. Nothing like knowing its all washed away.

from a random sketch/writing pad

Familiarity in each stranger's face
am I insane?
My memory faltering,
my senses opening to strange beyond
underneath your material guise, you're my friend
my past and future friend.
Only the present then,
is an illusion.

But in every science journal,
I read the opposite
frequently the sacred texts
opposite too.
How I am to trust my senses
listen to my breathing
feel the tightness of my muscles
the dizziness in my step
the queasiness in my stomach
if the underlying, music, is too beautiful
for my unperceptive ears
the truth so magnificent
my eyes blinded
by its flame
either we are one,
or, I, am insane.

She says "That's the dude... getting rid of his war anxiety in Europe"
and I picture me and a half dozen others
roaming lit streets
in old towns
they drunk
me joyful

How distracting it is
to sit here waiting
always a book or work to keep
me company, but despite my
stated purposes
I come here for you.

And see you in chatting lips,
across filled tables,
what is it you're saying?
and in cheekbones
jaunting out from
Books, I want to know about.

Find in curls and locks that hide
your eyes for a time,
and in your fancy boots
that have their own story too,
and in postures
which attract but,
don't show back
temptation.

So here I sit,
waiting on glances lit
with not just light
but question,
For I know my own have
signaled forth, to every
woman present.

The slowed down version


HMMMM its been a Damien Rice kind of day.
Cold out, but not too cold... as I drove away from my overnight spot I saw the man come to ticket me and felt good about the escape... did not feel so good about my busted side mirror (hit and run last night anyone?)

Anyway.... I skipped Spirit of Truth today... I skipped it and was glad for the extra time for myself. It felt good, but since then I have felt guilty like I am not holding up my end of the bargain... how I got myself into this I will never know.
I suppose its like family in that sense... suddenly you realize you have responsibilities that you should fulfill no matter what mood you are in.

I have been watching episodes of Dexter and like everyone else I love it. I am glad to have found a new show to get me out of myself. Its nice, it takes the time away.
I half assed decided last night with Illy that I would just give in and let the tide take me... spend my weekdays sleeping and my weekends a shut in. Play video games and watch tv shows and it would feel ... not good, but less tormented.

Maybe just for a bit could I be 17 again?
No stress to find a mate, be perfect at work, cocreate a church, be a member of a family, have a million friends... just be moody old mike... maybe drink coffee and read should I decide to go out.

Lacey asked me tonight if I was listening to depressing music... well yes and no. I was certainly listening to a lot of beautiful music that makes me sad... but I don't think it was meant to be depressing.

Steve and I talked a lot last night about these feelings... and I wasn't in it last night so it was easy for me to say "You have to find the right balance, you have to take care of yourself" as it was easy for me to say that to my students today... but when its so close and there doesn't seem to be any incentive to stay here its hard to not let your mind wander to that day dream world that seems so much more real, intense beautiful and sometimes so very awful.

Driving seems especially dangerous as I can't really tell if I am in control or just feel that way.
Screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs scratching my voice, because maybe something will give.

Its easy enough to say you should have done some light therapy tonight, but it doesn't fix the problems, just makes them go away for a while.

I spent 20 minutes tonight trying to remember why things weren't perfect that one time.

All I want to do is cry or create, either way I would have something to show for it.

Those wild eyes look nice in the mirror, at some point its easy to create your own illusions and the night is a calling and I am supposed to be responsible now.

I remember being crabby when I was young... I was moody as a teenager and now I feel like I can't be that (at least very often).

All I want is someone to crash into, who will listen to me talk about absolutely nothing -with interest. Who will hold me and not judge me for my insanity, someone who I trust to let me walk over the edge because I know they will pull me back...

I didn't think that was too much to ask, that's the thing I loved it, wanted it to work, I thought it was rather beautiful, but I couldn't always do it and it started feeling like I would fall in too.

and I wouldn't want to be around me when I am like this, so I don't know why anyone else would...

and the kids behind me in the booth at perkins made me question whether I will ever be a good father, because how could I be if part of me wants to be self destructive, even when I don't want to be I get pulled into it. And that waitress pissed me off from the first minute I saw her and I can't handle having those kinds of reactions... she was just too close and I felt too vulnerable to put up with people who annoyed me and I couldn't lean away like I needed to, and it was too bright. And those nice nice teens who were talkative and loud and touchy and good, who hid their cigarettes and had good clean fun, will probably be hurt and awful in a few months time... but having never known that, I really wonder what its like to be good, to not have to fight against everything to try to be.

and wouldn't it be easier to just give in?


Closest thing to unconditional love, and having had that taste... What else would do?

I just read this short story my brother wrote. I haven't seen anything he has written in a long time and was surprised by it, by the fact that its entertaining and speaks with a voice that doesn't sound like my brother. That he could put himself in the position of the character... this is not something I normally associate with him. I guess whenever I am reading something by someone I know I assume the narrator has some aspect of the author... but in this case, though I can imagine my brother thinking up the scenario it sounds like some movie character... but like a complete one. One that has a background a history.

I remember sneaking into my other brother's room when I was a teenager and reading his stories. They were different, the character was not him, but it was partially him and so though I didn't understand all the motivations I still understood that this aggressive character was also good.

I feel like its been quite a while since I wrote something I was proud enough to care about. Something I was excited by. Something I felt was truthful, if not of me, then of someone else, or some worldly truth.

But more than that... its been a while since I put myself in the shoes of someone else, at least in writing. I am sure I do this without thinking about 100 times a day... but to do it in writing takes skill... I am not sure I have ever done it well, but lately I feel my skills lacking.
Maybe I just got more comfortable occupying my own thoughts, or maybe I got less empathetic, either was I guess I miss it.

While thinking about this... I also was thinking how I have all of these books I never read. I think I have like 30-40 and I keep buying more.

I don't think my room is a very good space for being creative or reading. I get tired and bored easily here... or I find my computer more stimulating.

sad storm

As far as I can tell there are three things going on
A) Seasonal Affective Disorder
-not that I have been formally diagnosed but the damn light helps, and in general I am usually at my worst during winter
B) Grieving, specifically someone who went away
C) Realization in counseling

I don't want to do anything but sleep.
I can't cry
I can barely think
I am not motivated to do any of the things I might normally be interested in like movies, books, writing, drawing, friends etc
I know that I can be pulled out of it for moments, sometimes entire days...
but I also know that it swarms back in -in seconds.

I am very irritable, very full of self doubt/loathing, very unsure of future, very passive aggressive, somewhat self destructive and very unmotivated to do anything.
I am at this point able to still make plans for the future... but already I am doubting whether that person or I will want to hang out if things continue.

I am going to bed.

I can imagine that some people might not be happy with these particular shots... but I am stunned by these people.

My Staff at the overnight (used without permission)

This comedian I like on youtube lives in st. louis park.
For some reason this makes me feel even closer to her.
I doubt I will ever meet this person. I doubt I would even like her if I met her... but I really appreciate how ridiculous she is on youtube... and I like the idea of her living in SLP.