sad storm

As far as I can tell there are three things going on
A) Seasonal Affective Disorder
-not that I have been formally diagnosed but the damn light helps, and in general I am usually at my worst during winter
B) Grieving, specifically someone who went away
C) Realization in counseling

I don't want to do anything but sleep.
I can't cry
I can barely think
I am not motivated to do any of the things I might normally be interested in like movies, books, writing, drawing, friends etc
I know that I can be pulled out of it for moments, sometimes entire days...
but I also know that it swarms back in -in seconds.

I am very irritable, very full of self doubt/loathing, very unsure of future, very passive aggressive, somewhat self destructive and very unmotivated to do anything.
I am at this point able to still make plans for the future... but already I am doubting whether that person or I will want to hang out if things continue.

I am going to bed.