It would be nice to know how many times I will be in this situation in this life.
The one in which everything seems so familiar, the circumstances nearly always the same, and yet, still so helpless, and the weight of the past combined with the present makes it feel so much worse, and everything I want to say or type gets choked.
I'm reading this book Lacey lent me, the old man narrator writes about carrying the different emotions in different organs. Like disappointment in self in one kidney and disappointment in others in the other one.
I don't feel this in my gut where I usually keep my worries, that anxiousness that makes me queasy and not just not hungry, but sends me to the bathroom regularly.
I feel this in my throat and it spreads both ways, causing me to choke and gag on my spit as my lungs simultaneously wish to gasp for air... in that place where I imagine my tonsils once were.
and it spreads down the other way, through my defeated lungs that seem so tightened to my diaphragm that seems to knot itself in a way that presses my digestive organs into a tighter space, placing pressure on my lower spine which shoots back up to the top meeting my choking neck to complete the circuit.
That is helplessness,
I am sure people feel it when they watch their loved ones murdered and are unable to do anything about it, like nazis killing jews who should flee but knowing there isnt a point, continue to stand in the line...
Part of you wants to close your eyes and imagine that this is not so... but nothing in your body will let you off so easily.
Just Breathe
___________________________
just moments later, in finally spitting something out... it eases somewhat.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Funny how music can make simple lyrics brilliant.
You ever heard "When the Tigers Broke Free"?
It wasn't even put on the original album,
but with the music these simple lyrics about the death of the writer's father become epic and even more heartbreaking, even more, in the film they allow for the perfect justification for the main characters break from reality and slip into more un-sane realms. The part in red amazes me because its such a simple rhyme (almost cheesy in any other circumstances) but in the song its like the first break in his heart, forshadowing the awful conclusion -for even at this point in the song, he hints that the others were happy that these few could be sacrificed so that their larger plans could be saved, if they only last "for a while."
It was just before dawn
One miserable morning in black 'forty four.
When the forward commander
Was told to sit tight
When he asked that his men be withdrawn.
And the Generals gave thanks
As the other ranks, held back
The enemy tanks, for a while.
And the Anzio bridgehead
Was held for the price
Of a few hundred ordinary lives.
And kind old King George
Sent Mother a note
When he heard that father was gone.
It was, I recall,
In the form of a scroll,
With gold leaf and all.
And I found it one day
In a drawer of old photographs, hidden away.
And my eyes still grow damp to remember
His Majesty signed
With his own rubber stamp.
It was dark all around.
There was frost in the ground
When the tigers broke free.
And no one survived
From the Royal Fusiliers Company C.
They were all left behind,
Most of them dead,
The rest of them dying.
And that's how the High Command
Took my daddy from me.
You ever heard "When the Tigers Broke Free"?
It wasn't even put on the original album,
but with the music these simple lyrics about the death of the writer's father become epic and even more heartbreaking, even more, in the film they allow for the perfect justification for the main characters break from reality and slip into more un-sane realms. The part in red amazes me because its such a simple rhyme (almost cheesy in any other circumstances) but in the song its like the first break in his heart, forshadowing the awful conclusion -for even at this point in the song, he hints that the others were happy that these few could be sacrificed so that their larger plans could be saved, if they only last "for a while."
It was just before dawn
One miserable morning in black 'forty four.
When the forward commander
Was told to sit tight
When he asked that his men be withdrawn.
And the Generals gave thanks
As the other ranks, held back
The enemy tanks, for a while.
And the Anzio bridgehead
Was held for the price
Of a few hundred ordinary lives.
And kind old King George
Sent Mother a note
When he heard that father was gone.
It was, I recall,
In the form of a scroll,
With gold leaf and all.
And I found it one day
In a drawer of old photographs, hidden away.
And my eyes still grow damp to remember
His Majesty signed
With his own rubber stamp.
It was dark all around.
There was frost in the ground
When the tigers broke free.
And no one survived
From the Royal Fusiliers Company C.
They were all left behind,
Most of them dead,
The rest of them dying.
And that's how the High Command
Took my daddy from me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Waited too long to eat. Now nothing is open.
That's how I start because that's one kind of empty.
I feel like I report to 60 different friends, a few of em feeling more special than others perhaps, but not a one to report my after hours smiles to -and that wipes the smile from my face.
and that's another kind.
I'm really impressed with the possibilities and characters of this world lately, again it seems each face has a story. Each place a history. Each choice a dilemma -a heavy one, an enlightening one. I seem so afraid to say yes, but I am saying yes to everything lately... and the gap between saying yes and saying yes brings another feeling of empty.
A conversation tonight, and I came to the conclusion that only love could fill that hole of insecurity, and I'm not sure she felt the same way, and not being able to reassure friends in their moments of need, now that's another feeling of empty.
but enough of that.
Work has been stressful but good. Making small steps in the right direction. Learning and relearning probably a lot more than the students are.
We have this big event coming up on Thursday in which all students and former staff are invited to reconnect. I have no idea what to expect, in some ways I know we are on display, and yet we haven't been setting the thing up, so in part a lot of it is not ours to own.
That's how I start because that's one kind of empty.
I feel like I report to 60 different friends, a few of em feeling more special than others perhaps, but not a one to report my after hours smiles to -and that wipes the smile from my face.
and that's another kind.
I'm really impressed with the possibilities and characters of this world lately, again it seems each face has a story. Each place a history. Each choice a dilemma -a heavy one, an enlightening one. I seem so afraid to say yes, but I am saying yes to everything lately... and the gap between saying yes and saying yes brings another feeling of empty.
A conversation tonight, and I came to the conclusion that only love could fill that hole of insecurity, and I'm not sure she felt the same way, and not being able to reassure friends in their moments of need, now that's another feeling of empty.
but enough of that.
Work has been stressful but good. Making small steps in the right direction. Learning and relearning probably a lot more than the students are.
We have this big event coming up on Thursday in which all students and former staff are invited to reconnect. I have no idea what to expect, in some ways I know we are on display, and yet we haven't been setting the thing up, so in part a lot of it is not ours to own.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friendship is sometimes mistaken as love. I wrote a poem or two about it, probably even more posts... and I am both witness to the mistake and victim/perpetrator of it. Who knows if one can have agency in such calamity. Is it inevitable like waking from a dream, or is it sought after like praying for that dream again.
I talked to a coworker today who happens to be a medicine man. A singer, a worker, a teacher, a nomad, a spiritual leader, he seems to have very few limitations sometimes.
I thought it was weird, at one point my vision blurred and my ears had a hard time listening, I didn't trust him during this time. But it returned to normal and I trusted him again.
I also saw Mary motherfucken Allen at the hard times and it was funny to see how she grows each time. I used to think she was older than me, because she was so self assured, but she seems quieter now and I think that is her maturity, self assured to the point she don't need to prove it anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me at these weird random interactions.
I hate my stomach. All morning I was sick, and now it seems like a completely different illness but there all the same.
Sometimes everyone you see seems familiar, thats one of the cool things in life.
School today was sort of a mix of awful and spectacular. All the kids seemed to be pissed off from having terrible weekends but instead of complaining and being obnoxious they just shut up. Which was nice actually. I think many of us looked forward to weekends, as surely my students do, but often when they come back on Monday or Tuesday they seem worn down, exhausted, stressed, hurt and angry. It makes it obvious that not every teen is carefree and excited about life, some of them aren't doing so hot on their own out there.
My car briefly broke tonight. The starter just wouldn't work. I got out and looked around for the closest mechanic shop(I was on Hennepin) but when I got back into my car and tried it again it worked just fine.
I talked with a friend about the fortune I received the other day from a cookie. It said "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions." At the time I asked my dad what he thought they intended to mean, he assumed they meant we are less forgiving of others because we don't know their intentions. I can see it that way, but I don't know that I see it that way for me. I judge others sometimes based on their actions, but more often I judge them based on what I assume their intentions to be. I usually try to understand the action, and then it is a lot easier to go along with rather than be angry or judgmental toward them.
But as for myself, well I know my intentions and my intentions are not always good... so then how can I forgive myself?
She confronted me trying to get me to remember that we can't always be good, nor have good intentions towards everyone all the time. I acknowledged this, but mentioned that it pained me because I wish I could always have good intentions so that I wouldn't hurt people. She said that even if I love people I will still hurt them and that because they love me back they will forgive me... and though I know that is how it works.
It instantly hit me, hurt me in my heart, because I knew that my reply was that I didn't believe that. Not for me at least.
Its hard to look people in the eye and not speak truth to them. Its hard to be hit in the heart and not reach out, ask for forgiveness or ask why they can't forgive themselves.
I wanted so much to break down the walls between us, because that is the most important thing, but I knew if I asked her why suddenly she wasn't eating pie anymore she would put up walls and walk away, how long to wait until we could be truthful again?
And if I told her my secrets she'd lock the door,
and I'd have my answer about not being forgiven,
but she wouldn't recognize the hypocrisy between her statements and her actions,
because we expect some secrets to stay hidden and unforgiven.
I talked to a coworker today who happens to be a medicine man. A singer, a worker, a teacher, a nomad, a spiritual leader, he seems to have very few limitations sometimes.
I thought it was weird, at one point my vision blurred and my ears had a hard time listening, I didn't trust him during this time. But it returned to normal and I trusted him again.
I also saw Mary motherfucken Allen at the hard times and it was funny to see how she grows each time. I used to think she was older than me, because she was so self assured, but she seems quieter now and I think that is her maturity, self assured to the point she don't need to prove it anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me at these weird random interactions.
I hate my stomach. All morning I was sick, and now it seems like a completely different illness but there all the same.
Sometimes everyone you see seems familiar, thats one of the cool things in life.
School today was sort of a mix of awful and spectacular. All the kids seemed to be pissed off from having terrible weekends but instead of complaining and being obnoxious they just shut up. Which was nice actually. I think many of us looked forward to weekends, as surely my students do, but often when they come back on Monday or Tuesday they seem worn down, exhausted, stressed, hurt and angry. It makes it obvious that not every teen is carefree and excited about life, some of them aren't doing so hot on their own out there.
My car briefly broke tonight. The starter just wouldn't work. I got out and looked around for the closest mechanic shop(I was on Hennepin) but when I got back into my car and tried it again it worked just fine.
I talked with a friend about the fortune I received the other day from a cookie. It said "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions." At the time I asked my dad what he thought they intended to mean, he assumed they meant we are less forgiving of others because we don't know their intentions. I can see it that way, but I don't know that I see it that way for me. I judge others sometimes based on their actions, but more often I judge them based on what I assume their intentions to be. I usually try to understand the action, and then it is a lot easier to go along with rather than be angry or judgmental toward them.
But as for myself, well I know my intentions and my intentions are not always good... so then how can I forgive myself?
She confronted me trying to get me to remember that we can't always be good, nor have good intentions towards everyone all the time. I acknowledged this, but mentioned that it pained me because I wish I could always have good intentions so that I wouldn't hurt people. She said that even if I love people I will still hurt them and that because they love me back they will forgive me... and though I know that is how it works.
It instantly hit me, hurt me in my heart, because I knew that my reply was that I didn't believe that. Not for me at least.
Its hard to look people in the eye and not speak truth to them. Its hard to be hit in the heart and not reach out, ask for forgiveness or ask why they can't forgive themselves.
I wanted so much to break down the walls between us, because that is the most important thing, but I knew if I asked her why suddenly she wasn't eating pie anymore she would put up walls and walk away, how long to wait until we could be truthful again?
And if I told her my secrets she'd lock the door,
and I'd have my answer about not being forgiven,
but she wouldn't recognize the hypocrisy between her statements and her actions,
because we expect some secrets to stay hidden and unforgiven.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I don't really have anything to say, but its been a while. Maybe add some pictures or something.
I have something like 4 million pounds of candy at my finger tips, but something tells me I should eat actual food.
I have been throwing around decisions in my brain lately. Like theoretically how does one get someone to understand, does sharing cause forgiveness or flight and does it matter?
Does helping mean bringing awareness or should want jump to the front and help with a hand?
Does love mean trying something new, pushing past doubts, having faith and taking risks? or is that foolish and misguided, perhaps worse does it lead to regret, mistakes.
Why do babies make things more and less complicated?
When I see my dad hold my cousin's child, nothing seems more important. I instantly scheme to make babies. When reality sets in, I realize the responsibilities are enormous. I scare easily.
What level of honestly is good?
Should I say I am sick, bored and unfaithful?
Should I announce I am beastly, evil and hateful?
Should I proclaim I am contemptuous, jealous and scared?
Should I cry I am weak, vulnerable and bare?
Should I fight, push, agitate?
cower, retreat, disintegrate?
zealously empower, all grandiose
or humbly disengage and draw close?
and what is selfish and what its adverse
and will it remain joyful when the roles are reversed?
and would you claim knowledge, if it lies in your gut
or settle for something else, because its anything but?
I have something like 4 million pounds of candy at my finger tips, but something tells me I should eat actual food.
I have been throwing around decisions in my brain lately. Like theoretically how does one get someone to understand, does sharing cause forgiveness or flight and does it matter?
Does helping mean bringing awareness or should want jump to the front and help with a hand?
Does love mean trying something new, pushing past doubts, having faith and taking risks? or is that foolish and misguided, perhaps worse does it lead to regret, mistakes.
Why do babies make things more and less complicated?
When I see my dad hold my cousin's child, nothing seems more important. I instantly scheme to make babies. When reality sets in, I realize the responsibilities are enormous. I scare easily.
What level of honestly is good?
Should I say I am sick, bored and unfaithful?
Should I announce I am beastly, evil and hateful?
Should I proclaim I am contemptuous, jealous and scared?
Should I cry I am weak, vulnerable and bare?
Should I fight, push, agitate?
cower, retreat, disintegrate?
zealously empower, all grandiose
or humbly disengage and draw close?
and what is selfish and what its adverse
and will it remain joyful when the roles are reversed?
and would you claim knowledge, if it lies in your gut
or settle for something else, because its anything but?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I think its funny how things like loneliness, horniness and general desire for a relationship seem to sneak up so easily and then when they pounce its like there isn't much to convince you that you shouldn't feel that way.
Though the feeling doesn't last, when its there its fucking awful.
Its like being hungry or thirsty and not being about to satisfy it.
drives a person crazy.
The insecurity makes me jealous makes me lonely
The Loneliness makes me insecure makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me lonely makes me insecure
The insecurity makes me lonely makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me insecure makes me lonely
The loneliness makes me jealous makes me insecure
I just think its funny, my weeks are full of visits with friends and family, people I have met recently and people I met long ago. Yet for some reason, my head makes up these scenarios in which everyone around me is finding something more special. Its really sick and makes me feel uncomfortable (that feeling of wanting, when you already have so much, just greedy right?),
but I can't spin it right. I have been going to bed early, alone and crabby.
Yesterday someone mentioned something about how to maintain differing rates of dating people... like if you are dating more than one person (none exclusively) how do you know what you should do? Its hard for me to imagine it being so easy to even find people.
More and more lately I keep coming back to that idea am I really waiting for the right person, or am I just not willing to put forth the effort to make the right situation.
Its really hard to know what one should do when things haven't been all that successful.
I don't have the time or energy to commit to something that isn't going anywhere. I don't want to put myself or anyone else through that. I have enough pressure on existing relationships without that added stress (just the fact that I see it as stress and not a benefit).
Its all really stupid.
Though the feeling doesn't last, when its there its fucking awful.
Its like being hungry or thirsty and not being about to satisfy it.
drives a person crazy.
The insecurity makes me jealous makes me lonely
The Loneliness makes me insecure makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me lonely makes me insecure
The insecurity makes me lonely makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me insecure makes me lonely
The loneliness makes me jealous makes me insecure
I just think its funny, my weeks are full of visits with friends and family, people I have met recently and people I met long ago. Yet for some reason, my head makes up these scenarios in which everyone around me is finding something more special. Its really sick and makes me feel uncomfortable (that feeling of wanting, when you already have so much, just greedy right?),
but I can't spin it right. I have been going to bed early, alone and crabby.
Yesterday someone mentioned something about how to maintain differing rates of dating people... like if you are dating more than one person (none exclusively) how do you know what you should do? Its hard for me to imagine it being so easy to even find people.
More and more lately I keep coming back to that idea am I really waiting for the right person, or am I just not willing to put forth the effort to make the right situation.
Its really hard to know what one should do when things haven't been all that successful.
I don't have the time or energy to commit to something that isn't going anywhere. I don't want to put myself or anyone else through that. I have enough pressure on existing relationships without that added stress (just the fact that I see it as stress and not a benefit).
Its all really stupid.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Thoughts and Feelings
I went to a funeral today.
The funeral of the mother of one of my students.
I never knew the mother.
I barely know the student.
Still, there is something about a funeral that can be moving. Or rather the collective mass of grieving people can be rather moving.
Every word was in Spanish but you kind of knew what they were saying. Every prayer was catholic but you kind of knew what was needed.
The one thing I was not prepared for but was entirely in love with was the band.
Acoustic but loud they played songs to drown out those who needed to cry out, and each got louder, and each more beautiful.
Tears streamed down my face.
I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to feel them.
But they weren't all for my student. Some were of course, but I could imagine myself in a similar situation. I imagined how much I would want to push away that comforting arm around my shoulder. I imagined standing at a casket with my brothers, trying to balance my concern for them and my own desire to release.
Even more than that surprisingly I imagined, or rather saw what my Uncle's funeral may have looked like. I had already imagined it, but these people in their black clothes and dark black hair more closely met the image of my aunt and cousin's family. Mexican and Catholic, they would have been the only ones there... and I imagined my cousin and my aunt crying like these people cried, but the others were probably dry eyed.
No bursts of sobs, and if they were they were probably in relief or comfort only.
But in front of me was the funeral a person should get. All the cries and tears warranted. All the ritual and tradition necessary.
Deserving of more, but nothing can comfort our grieving.
I have described it to my friends as that awful sort of beautiful or maybe that beautiful sort of awful.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Becky said she was in a relationship.
Its always a weird feeling, and I have been feeling it lately.
Even as she tells me she reminds me how hard it will be for me to do the same, as if I am held to a higher standard... and I know I am by everyone around me, and I like it that way because at least I will have high hopes through my loneliness.
But I understand what she means, because the sight of her causes me to pulse with a sort of defensive jealousy. My feelings of needing her around all the time have passed, but my desire to keep our relationship special hasn't. So a part of me want confirmation that I am still special (and she provides it without my asking). A part of me wants to know the relationship is worth it and that part I don't ever get the rights to.
Funnily enough though I feel the same thing with other friends.
Its not the same, but its hard to be replaced.
Me and Becky do each other the favor of ignoring it for ourselves and each other until it is too late. Then when all else fails we hope for understanding.
I understand, people are beautiful and worthy of love.
I just wish I could find that.
The funeral of the mother of one of my students.
I never knew the mother.
I barely know the student.
Still, there is something about a funeral that can be moving. Or rather the collective mass of grieving people can be rather moving.
Every word was in Spanish but you kind of knew what they were saying. Every prayer was catholic but you kind of knew what was needed.
The one thing I was not prepared for but was entirely in love with was the band.
Acoustic but loud they played songs to drown out those who needed to cry out, and each got louder, and each more beautiful.
Tears streamed down my face.
I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to feel them.
But they weren't all for my student. Some were of course, but I could imagine myself in a similar situation. I imagined how much I would want to push away that comforting arm around my shoulder. I imagined standing at a casket with my brothers, trying to balance my concern for them and my own desire to release.
Even more than that surprisingly I imagined, or rather saw what my Uncle's funeral may have looked like. I had already imagined it, but these people in their black clothes and dark black hair more closely met the image of my aunt and cousin's family. Mexican and Catholic, they would have been the only ones there... and I imagined my cousin and my aunt crying like these people cried, but the others were probably dry eyed.
No bursts of sobs, and if they were they were probably in relief or comfort only.
But in front of me was the funeral a person should get. All the cries and tears warranted. All the ritual and tradition necessary.
Deserving of more, but nothing can comfort our grieving.
I have described it to my friends as that awful sort of beautiful or maybe that beautiful sort of awful.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Becky said she was in a relationship.
Its always a weird feeling, and I have been feeling it lately.
Even as she tells me she reminds me how hard it will be for me to do the same, as if I am held to a higher standard... and I know I am by everyone around me, and I like it that way because at least I will have high hopes through my loneliness.
But I understand what she means, because the sight of her causes me to pulse with a sort of defensive jealousy. My feelings of needing her around all the time have passed, but my desire to keep our relationship special hasn't. So a part of me want confirmation that I am still special (and she provides it without my asking). A part of me wants to know the relationship is worth it and that part I don't ever get the rights to.
Funnily enough though I feel the same thing with other friends.
Its not the same, but its hard to be replaced.
Me and Becky do each other the favor of ignoring it for ourselves and each other until it is too late. Then when all else fails we hope for understanding.
I understand, people are beautiful and worthy of love.
I just wish I could find that.
Monday, January 04, 2010
There is a peculiar loneliness that happens sometimes when you hear about others. Its that "I'm alone and everyone else is finding their special someone" loneliness.
I got that right now... but whats funny is I know way more people who are single than in relationships right now, but that doesn't change the feeling.
Also I am super exhausted even though I took a nap and I am hungry but nothing sounds good... and that sucks.
Registration for school tomorrow which means I will get to see the kiddies... which is a weird feeling, often a great mixture of excited and "Oh shit I have to teach again- fuck run away!."
I already feel overwhelmed just thinking about my viewing and reading list. I have a stack of books and movies for school- and each stack seems impossible.
I got that right now... but whats funny is I know way more people who are single than in relationships right now, but that doesn't change the feeling.
Also I am super exhausted even though I took a nap and I am hungry but nothing sounds good... and that sucks.
Registration for school tomorrow which means I will get to see the kiddies... which is a weird feeling, often a great mixture of excited and "Oh shit I have to teach again- fuck run away!."
I already feel overwhelmed just thinking about my viewing and reading list. I have a stack of books and movies for school- and each stack seems impossible.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
imagination cruellty
I'm convincing myself I am in love with a girl i have never met, no not Natalie Portman, but that could happen too.
This girl occasionally lives in the cities.
But I think its her voice I am falling for...
and that sucks because she could tell me awful things, and be a horrible person and I would be so silly for her.
Lord I'm a true vine
This girl occasionally lives in the cities.
But I think its her voice I am falling for...
and that sucks because she could tell me awful things, and be a horrible person and I would be so silly for her.
Lord I'm a true vine
Friday, January 01, 2010
Everyone put on your jammies NOW
all of a sudden I want to make out with someone
Part of me wants to go to bed, but I know my roomies will come home at some point and at the off chance that I will miss something I don't want to be unavailable.
Part of me wants to go to bed, but I know my roomies will come home at some point and at the off chance that I will miss something I don't want to be unavailable.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
4 AM thoughts
Its so late but I guess I am not quite tired enough to fall asleep... probably the 2 cups of coffee and the RC cola.
I was in bed praying.
I guess my mom is having surgery tomorrow, but I wasn't thinking of that, I was thinking of all the friends I have and how many people I care about... and it takes a long time to go through them all.
How is it that I am so blessed?
I don't feel I deserve it, but when my relationships are strained I certainly wish to keep them intact.
Becky used to always say I had a lot of friends. Jess says the same thing to me now... with a sort of WOW attitude. But it feels normal to care about lots of people... how could you not?
When I go through the names on facebook I often find that there are so many that I don't even talk to anymore... people who I have fallen out with, or just dont happen to run in to.
BUT sometimes there is a feeling of regret that comes with that..
when I am in this gratitude mode though, more often I just sit and allow the feelings of joy to pass through me or sometimes to build up in me. These are amazing people. They have so much to offer the world.
There are still a few of those cats on facebook that I don't actually feel that connection with... but I have no doubt that someone else does.
Lacey was telling me about her feelings for a friend of hers the other day.
It was so easy to understand why she cared, because I could think up a thousand examples of people I have thought of (for a moment at least) in that way...
that way of loving someone because they have potential, because you have seen their true self for a moment... and that's all it really takes right?
One moment and you can be hooked.
Sometimes I think about people who after sharing that moment were reluctant to speak to me again, or see me again... not because they didn't feel it, but because they did and they were caught off guard.
Sorry to bring up facebook again, but I think its the most incredible thing because every time some person who knew you ten years ago friends you, what they are really saying is "I had that moment with you once" and sometimes you aren't even aware that they felt that way...
WOW I am overwhelming myself right now.
some people scoff, but I can't help but believe in God, how could I not when I have met so many miracles?
I was sitting at Hard Times Cafe tonight for like 4 hours.
Bri from BFF and Linus sat near by and I wanted to talk to her, but she was busy. She seemed to have another best friend of perhaps a boyfriend who worked there and I just liked to watch them, the way their connection filled them with energy and smiles.
I watched so many people, made judgments and fantasies. At several points I wanted to call out to people "Hey you there! Why are we not talking?"
I kept my mouth shut but more than once caught that same glance from other people.
A man who reminded me of Gavin was there. Gavin the Kiwi of so long ago. Gavin who told me about his sex life like it was the content of his normal day, Gavin who shared his secrets and adventures, Gavin who liked to impress and entertain almost always having to do with his scrotum, Gavin who liked to share quiet moments getting real over Pizza, Gavin who went along for the ride because he too could sense that even people with a darkside were worthy.
I miss him like I miss them all. This man I knew 8 years ago for a week or two.
Its easy to feel fulfilled when one becomes so aware of these blessings...
But I am not always aware... in fact more often than not I am stubborn and ignorant to it.
I find myself wanting more as if I could even handle it.
This break has been a trip.
I got to see so many beautifuls,
but somehow most of my regulars fell by the wayside...
and in some ways that is for the best since so many were in town but a moment...
but even when I am overwhelmed like this... I check myself over and still know something is missing.
I like to think of it as someone, that dream girl, but really I know its just me lacking the self confidence to make myself whole. because I worry that wholeness would come at the price of giving up all these miracle connections.
I was in bed praying.
I guess my mom is having surgery tomorrow, but I wasn't thinking of that, I was thinking of all the friends I have and how many people I care about... and it takes a long time to go through them all.
How is it that I am so blessed?
I don't feel I deserve it, but when my relationships are strained I certainly wish to keep them intact.
Becky used to always say I had a lot of friends. Jess says the same thing to me now... with a sort of WOW attitude. But it feels normal to care about lots of people... how could you not?
When I go through the names on facebook I often find that there are so many that I don't even talk to anymore... people who I have fallen out with, or just dont happen to run in to.
BUT sometimes there is a feeling of regret that comes with that..
when I am in this gratitude mode though, more often I just sit and allow the feelings of joy to pass through me or sometimes to build up in me. These are amazing people. They have so much to offer the world.
There are still a few of those cats on facebook that I don't actually feel that connection with... but I have no doubt that someone else does.
Lacey was telling me about her feelings for a friend of hers the other day.
It was so easy to understand why she cared, because I could think up a thousand examples of people I have thought of (for a moment at least) in that way...
that way of loving someone because they have potential, because you have seen their true self for a moment... and that's all it really takes right?
One moment and you can be hooked.
Sometimes I think about people who after sharing that moment were reluctant to speak to me again, or see me again... not because they didn't feel it, but because they did and they were caught off guard.
Sorry to bring up facebook again, but I think its the most incredible thing because every time some person who knew you ten years ago friends you, what they are really saying is "I had that moment with you once" and sometimes you aren't even aware that they felt that way...
WOW I am overwhelming myself right now.
some people scoff, but I can't help but believe in God, how could I not when I have met so many miracles?
I was sitting at Hard Times Cafe tonight for like 4 hours.
Bri from BFF and Linus sat near by and I wanted to talk to her, but she was busy. She seemed to have another best friend of perhaps a boyfriend who worked there and I just liked to watch them, the way their connection filled them with energy and smiles.
I watched so many people, made judgments and fantasies. At several points I wanted to call out to people "Hey you there! Why are we not talking?"
I kept my mouth shut but more than once caught that same glance from other people.
A man who reminded me of Gavin was there. Gavin the Kiwi of so long ago. Gavin who told me about his sex life like it was the content of his normal day, Gavin who shared his secrets and adventures, Gavin who liked to impress and entertain almost always having to do with his scrotum, Gavin who liked to share quiet moments getting real over Pizza, Gavin who went along for the ride because he too could sense that even people with a darkside were worthy.
I miss him like I miss them all. This man I knew 8 years ago for a week or two.
Its easy to feel fulfilled when one becomes so aware of these blessings...
But I am not always aware... in fact more often than not I am stubborn and ignorant to it.
I find myself wanting more as if I could even handle it.
This break has been a trip.
I got to see so many beautifuls,
but somehow most of my regulars fell by the wayside...
and in some ways that is for the best since so many were in town but a moment...
but even when I am overwhelmed like this... I check myself over and still know something is missing.
I like to think of it as someone, that dream girl, but really I know its just me lacking the self confidence to make myself whole. because I worry that wholeness would come at the price of giving up all these miracle connections.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
On Hair
I've joked before that my hair was too pretty not to keep long...
which wasn't really a joke, but an actual motivation derived of my vanity.
So I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of hair, or rather why I keep it long... I am thinking about this because I will cut it in about a month.I understand the reasons I cut it, usually a letting go process, a renewal. But why keep it long?
I understand that to most people they probably see me as one of those pony tail guys who are kind of creepy. Its not standard, its not exactly easy. It doesn't usually win any points with the ladies.
At times I know it has been my "freak flag" and generally I used to think that having long hair afforded more options than having short hair, but really due to the weather (humidity, heat, cold) and due to wetness and laziness I almost never do anything but throw it back. When I have short hair I actually find it is far easier to fuck with... throw in a bobby pin or some gel and wham you got a new hairstyle.
Also the rigidity of maintaining long hair can be a task. Not only do you have to keep it clean, combed and untampered with (if you want to donate it as I do) but there is a general sort of understanding that you will not suddenly shave away half your head...
This rigidity is something I am occasionally attracted to, I like the idea of Nazirite vows. I like the idea of undertaking this for something higher than myself... if nothing else to fulfill a vow. This is partially why I grow and cut in a 3 year cycle. I don't know why it happened that way... just something I came up with when I was younger but then it stuck. True the vows have been broken twice, each after a breakup when I needed that cleansing.
But I am wondering if I want to continue the three year cycle.
Weighing the options, pros and cons of having short hair vs long.
Usually when I have short hair I can't wait for it to be long again.
There is a sort of comfort there.
It used to be that I could hide my face, but now its more just the security of knowing I don't have to rely on me alone... like jewelry and pageantry it brightens and highlights (if only in my mind).
I used to be really attracted to long hair. I mean I still am, but I have grown accustomed to and attracted to other hair styles now as well. There are things I would like to try, if only for a week or two. Things that may not make me prettier but that would make me feel like I accomplished something (walking around looking weird is an accomplishment).
Anyway... I guess I am just thinking. The song "Hair" from the musical Hair is still something I agree with in general I think. I feel like we should explore as much as we can and create and express.
But equally I am feeling a drive to conform, to settle and it doesn't feel bad. It feels like a nice thing sometimes. A new form of comfort.
I am guessing in a month or two I will start growing my hair though...
an update
Thanks for all the good wishes
my mom saw the doctors yesterday and is scheduled for surgery next week
followed by radiation therapy, followed by hormone therapy.
She seems almost excited.
I think she is ready to put this past her and stop everyone worrying
But this means that if all goes according to plan, none of us will have to worry within a few months which was basically the best case scenario.
So that was nice news to be woken up to yesterday.
my mom saw the doctors yesterday and is scheduled for surgery next week
followed by radiation therapy, followed by hormone therapy.
She seems almost excited.
I think she is ready to put this past her and stop everyone worrying
But this means that if all goes according to plan, none of us will have to worry within a few months which was basically the best case scenario.
So that was nice news to be woken up to yesterday.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
at least 15 minutes or so
I got books to read and shit but...
I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing.
So the deal with that one post is that I found out a few days ago my Mom has Breast Cancer. Its hard to know how to react to that because for the most part I am not worried, but at times my thoughts get to me and it builds up quick. So the other night it was like 2 AM and I was just freaking out because I didn't really have anyone to talk to. I really wanted to just write something on facebook -like a general plea for someone to care... but my cousin hadn't been notified and all my family is on there and we are supposed to save face or something you know... so my cousins wasn't told because My uncle died just a year ago and its scary news to tell a teenager. Well anyway... it wasn't really just that, I was thinking about my Dad and how both his parents were dead now. How this was the first Christmas we didn't even think about going to Sioux Falls. How we will probably never do that again. Its just a lot to think about.
Its been hard lately... I am really enjoying time with friends but there are people I feel I am disappointing. I am not sure if I can change that, or if it is my job, but it feels bad.
The break has been really nice though... just relaxing and having fun. We went to a movie and went bowling today and sledding yesterday.
Like simple clean fun, no drinking or worries (except oh shit I'm gonna hit that jump!)
I got to see Nova and Robyn, and Hollie and Gabs and Ismael. I also got to see one of my old friends' new house which was surprisingly amazing and domestic and home-like. A bunch of people might go to Poncho Villa tomorrow so that should be fun.
At some point I know I need to do some work and read and maybe do some Spirit of Truth stuff but its been nice to have a break from my normal reality.
Um I liked Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, and home movies I do recommend Synedoche New York even though its a little slow... I think it might be more fun with someone. I am about to watch The Broken.
By the way since u were wondering my first bowling game was over 100 but the second wasn't so you can rest knowing I did " meh".
I have also discovered Mike and Ike Bubblegum which you should buy and be jealous of.
I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing.
So the deal with that one post is that I found out a few days ago my Mom has Breast Cancer. Its hard to know how to react to that because for the most part I am not worried, but at times my thoughts get to me and it builds up quick. So the other night it was like 2 AM and I was just freaking out because I didn't really have anyone to talk to. I really wanted to just write something on facebook -like a general plea for someone to care... but my cousin hadn't been notified and all my family is on there and we are supposed to save face or something you know... so my cousins wasn't told because My uncle died just a year ago and its scary news to tell a teenager. Well anyway... it wasn't really just that, I was thinking about my Dad and how both his parents were dead now. How this was the first Christmas we didn't even think about going to Sioux Falls. How we will probably never do that again. Its just a lot to think about.
Its been hard lately... I am really enjoying time with friends but there are people I feel I am disappointing. I am not sure if I can change that, or if it is my job, but it feels bad.
The break has been really nice though... just relaxing and having fun. We went to a movie and went bowling today and sledding yesterday.
Like simple clean fun, no drinking or worries (except oh shit I'm gonna hit that jump!)
I got to see Nova and Robyn, and Hollie and Gabs and Ismael. I also got to see one of my old friends' new house which was surprisingly amazing and domestic and home-like. A bunch of people might go to Poncho Villa tomorrow so that should be fun.
At some point I know I need to do some work and read and maybe do some Spirit of Truth stuff but its been nice to have a break from my normal reality.
Um I liked Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, and home movies I do recommend Synedoche New York even though its a little slow... I think it might be more fun with someone. I am about to watch The Broken.
By the way since u were wondering my first bowling game was over 100 but the second wasn't so you can rest knowing I did " meh".
I have also discovered Mike and Ike Bubblegum which you should buy and be jealous of.
Friday, December 25, 2009
I cant even explain it all...
its just like heart break and too much weight.
and it feels really exhausting already, and it makes me even more reluctant to do holiday shit.
and it feels like I can't say anything because then I'm just moping and not trying to work through it... but it was hard enough to get out of bed and now I don't even want to think.
UHHHHHHH
I feel like I am the worst son ever.
life pulls too many directions at once sometimes.
*****************
I want people to understand how miserable I am right now... but I can't say anything or explain it right.
its just like heart break and too much weight.
and it feels really exhausting already, and it makes me even more reluctant to do holiday shit.
and it feels like I can't say anything because then I'm just moping and not trying to work through it... but it was hard enough to get out of bed and now I don't even want to think.
UHHHHHHH
I feel like I am the worst son ever.
life pulls too many directions at once sometimes.
*****************
I want people to understand how miserable I am right now... but I can't say anything or explain it right.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tonight is not one of those nights where overcome by a flood of thoughts emotions or a strong feeling of values I pour onto the page.
No tonight has been relaxed, indulgent, enjoyable if a little lonely (but sometimes the loneliness starts to feel familiar like company).
I watched like 9 episodes of Weeds season 4, I ate pie and fried potatoes and chinese food and candy. I listened to good music loudly. I ran around the house a little.
I am tempted to do weird things since my roommates aren't home... but I spose the cats don't want to see me make a fool of myself either.
A man sang to me while I was on the phone at a store.
We are having a secret family meeting tomorrow, the secret being why we are meeting.
I may go sledding soon, I may go to Benihana soon.
I should read and drink less coffee and coke.
I should write something worthwhile and draw more or even paint.
I should play some computer games while I have the time.
I should see some friends and set up some one on ones.
We shall see
We shall see
No tonight has been relaxed, indulgent, enjoyable if a little lonely (but sometimes the loneliness starts to feel familiar like company).
I watched like 9 episodes of Weeds season 4, I ate pie and fried potatoes and chinese food and candy. I listened to good music loudly. I ran around the house a little.
I am tempted to do weird things since my roommates aren't home... but I spose the cats don't want to see me make a fool of myself either.
A man sang to me while I was on the phone at a store.
We are having a secret family meeting tomorrow, the secret being why we are meeting.
I may go sledding soon, I may go to Benihana soon.
I should read and drink less coffee and coke.
I should write something worthwhile and draw more or even paint.
I should play some computer games while I have the time.
I should see some friends and set up some one on ones.
We shall see
We shall see
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Corner (John Frusciante)
"I mean it
I wouldn't go ouside and walk around
They may fear for your life
But I've reached this conclusion
everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me
and there's a weeping fire
that's high as a moutain
and we skip all the way up
to the top
great is my confusion
It never lets me down
everyone's in a corner
they'll never turn around"
John Frusciante is no longer with the Chili Peppers which makes me sad, but I also know that he will keep making music I love... so oh well.
I like this song, because like much of his lyrics I feel like he gets at some truth that we all seem to forget about.
Specifically the lines:
"everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me"
It seems true enough that we send ourselves to the corner in punishment but never really think about why, and when we get there we can't see or understand anything because we don't let ourselves turn around and see what is going on.
I wouldn't go ouside and walk around
They may fear for your life
But I've reached this conclusion
everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me
and there's a weeping fire
that's high as a moutain
and we skip all the way up
to the top
great is my confusion
It never lets me down
everyone's in a corner
they'll never turn around"
John Frusciante is no longer with the Chili Peppers which makes me sad, but I also know that he will keep making music I love... so oh well.
I like this song, because like much of his lyrics I feel like he gets at some truth that we all seem to forget about.
Specifically the lines:
"everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me"
It seems true enough that we send ourselves to the corner in punishment but never really think about why, and when we get there we can't see or understand anything because we don't let ourselves turn around and see what is going on.
Right....
This may go down as the worst blogging year in a few.
I guess with the comp problems and general business I haven't really been writing.
I taught a class at school where the kids had to create blogs and talk about rebels and revolutionaries. The idea was that they would find someone they thought acted as either a rebel or revolutionary in their field.
The list of topics ended up including:
Marilyn Manson
Sid Vicious
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Wisin y Yandel
Timothy Leary
Jacque Fresco
Al Capone
Che Guevara
Irish Republican Army
The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising
Jesus
I would put up links, but most of them weren't all that great and all of them included a lot of copyrighted material.
I decided to try to do a geography class next trimester along with World History 3 and US history 2.
I have been awake for approximately 3 hours but it seems like forever.
I haven't done anything yet.
I was in bed thinking about how we are all hypocrites and we will never not be. Someone had recently told me that I needed to stop worrying about the small things I would never be able to stop and instead dedicate myself to something larger. Its a strange paradox, can I do better by ignoring the bad things I do and instead putting more energy into the good things I can do?
A Lakota medicine man came into our school. He spoke of crystals and technology that could save the planet, he spoke of spirits in trees and ancestors who look out for us. Its funny how one can switch modes to hear about tree spirits and envision them as true beings, accept them as reality when in the company of someone who believes these things (if they are native). But if a friend said that they believed in leprechauns I would probably laugh at them.
The reality is both.
We are both trying to get better and trying to keep us from getting better. All hypocrites.
All saints and sinners. So when we move away from old habits that we worried would destroy us, we moved into new habits that kept us from living (and destroyed us)... the balance is in acceptance. This time next year I wont remember saying or thinking any of this. I may have already said it a thousand times.
Sometimes I am amazed by my own poetry. Sometimes I think its all crap.
Sometimes I am amazed by my art, sometimes I refuse to draw.
Sometimes I want to sing and talk, other times I wonder what I have to say at all.
And this is to be human.
I guess with the comp problems and general business I haven't really been writing.
I taught a class at school where the kids had to create blogs and talk about rebels and revolutionaries. The idea was that they would find someone they thought acted as either a rebel or revolutionary in their field.
The list of topics ended up including:
Marilyn Manson
Sid Vicious
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Wisin y Yandel
Timothy Leary
Jacque Fresco
Al Capone
Che Guevara
Irish Republican Army
The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising
Jesus
I would put up links, but most of them weren't all that great and all of them included a lot of copyrighted material.
I decided to try to do a geography class next trimester along with World History 3 and US history 2.
I have been awake for approximately 3 hours but it seems like forever.
I haven't done anything yet.
I was in bed thinking about how we are all hypocrites and we will never not be. Someone had recently told me that I needed to stop worrying about the small things I would never be able to stop and instead dedicate myself to something larger. Its a strange paradox, can I do better by ignoring the bad things I do and instead putting more energy into the good things I can do?
A Lakota medicine man came into our school. He spoke of crystals and technology that could save the planet, he spoke of spirits in trees and ancestors who look out for us. Its funny how one can switch modes to hear about tree spirits and envision them as true beings, accept them as reality when in the company of someone who believes these things (if they are native). But if a friend said that they believed in leprechauns I would probably laugh at them.
The reality is both.
We are both trying to get better and trying to keep us from getting better. All hypocrites.
All saints and sinners. So when we move away from old habits that we worried would destroy us, we moved into new habits that kept us from living (and destroyed us)... the balance is in acceptance. This time next year I wont remember saying or thinking any of this. I may have already said it a thousand times.
Sometimes I am amazed by my own poetry. Sometimes I think its all crap.
Sometimes I am amazed by my art, sometimes I refuse to draw.
Sometimes I want to sing and talk, other times I wonder what I have to say at all.
And this is to be human.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I cant get to sleep.
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.
Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.
Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.
Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.
Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I'm listening to the Ex-Lovers proclaim "the beauty of the world cannot be contained",
and though I often feel the same, lately my life seems quite plain.
I click through pictures, 360 posted by friends.
Its weird to see the facial expressions, clothing and hair styles, backgrounds, and in some honesty, and in some love, and in some adventure, and in some learning, and in some broadcast, and in some vanity, and in some compassion, but in all life of some sort... and lately mine seems so mundane.
Simple yet chosen that way.
I was getting ready to type to a friend on facebook that I only had reading and sleeping as options for the evening, but then I remembered I had turned down drinking and dancing. Had turned down possible excursions that might create bed buddies, or heart connections, turned down shallow bar conversation or laughing at jokes, turned down watching the expressions on beautiful people's faces. At least a night of camera filled activity.
Something to capture to that hard drive of memory.
To remind me I am, and sometimes act.
To remind me I am more than I seem,
to remind me I have lived and prospered and dreamed.
Connected and rested in exotic locales,
experienced God and drugs and sex and music all climatic.
shared in tears, cum, blood, vomit, piss and shit.
lived in the light and the dark, walked crawled and run, fought and screamed,
killed and created through all hours of day and night.
licked and sniffed every sanctuary human made or bred.
let my eyes and mind wander and conceive of any colorful, frightful or beautiful,
impossible or probable, end and means, to any degree, even when it chained and broke me, choked or gave to me, enabled or disabled me.
have my fingers not traced each and every, whether off limits or invited, texture soft and lovely, sticky, sweaty, hard and gravelly,
have I not bitten off more than I can chew and swallowed more than I could expend
Have I not relaxed in the arms of a loved or beloved one
have I not tasted each sweet?
gagged at every sour bitter tart and tangy
winced at each spice,
with a pinch from each vice
arms against too much hedonistic intent
yet still I rant with flare
discontent
comparing my life now
to what had once been there.
and though I often feel the same, lately my life seems quite plain.
I click through pictures, 360 posted by friends.
Its weird to see the facial expressions, clothing and hair styles, backgrounds, and in some honesty, and in some love, and in some adventure, and in some learning, and in some broadcast, and in some vanity, and in some compassion, but in all life of some sort... and lately mine seems so mundane.
Simple yet chosen that way.
I was getting ready to type to a friend on facebook that I only had reading and sleeping as options for the evening, but then I remembered I had turned down drinking and dancing. Had turned down possible excursions that might create bed buddies, or heart connections, turned down shallow bar conversation or laughing at jokes, turned down watching the expressions on beautiful people's faces. At least a night of camera filled activity.
Something to capture to that hard drive of memory.
To remind me I am, and sometimes act.
To remind me I am more than I seem,
to remind me I have lived and prospered and dreamed.
Connected and rested in exotic locales,
experienced God and drugs and sex and music all climatic.
shared in tears, cum, blood, vomit, piss and shit.
lived in the light and the dark, walked crawled and run, fought and screamed,
killed and created through all hours of day and night.
licked and sniffed every sanctuary human made or bred.
let my eyes and mind wander and conceive of any colorful, frightful or beautiful,
impossible or probable, end and means, to any degree, even when it chained and broke me, choked or gave to me, enabled or disabled me.
have my fingers not traced each and every, whether off limits or invited, texture soft and lovely, sticky, sweaty, hard and gravelly,
have I not bitten off more than I can chew and swallowed more than I could expend
Have I not relaxed in the arms of a loved or beloved one
have I not tasted each sweet?
gagged at every sour bitter tart and tangy
winced at each spice,
with a pinch from each vice
arms against too much hedonistic intent
yet still I rant with flare
discontent
comparing my life now
to what had once been there.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
its not like... that
Sorry champs, I am not really updating this shit much anymore.
I dunno... I sort of wish I would stay off this compy.
but life goes in one day and out and into the next, not much to entertain, and though I would share stories... none of it is all that appropriate (school related) or its just not all that different...
but life is fairly good. Same old complaints and celebrations.
2 dentist bills to pay and my teeth still hurt.
I dunno... I sort of wish I would stay off this compy.
but life goes in one day and out and into the next, not much to entertain, and though I would share stories... none of it is all that appropriate (school related) or its just not all that different...
but life is fairly good. Same old complaints and celebrations.
2 dentist bills to pay and my teeth still hurt.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Well kids I havent had any internet access on the regular for over a month now. A week and a half ago I got really weird about it and finally took my computer in. They fixed some problems and charged me some money and held my computer ransom for about a week but then when I got it home... still no internet (it works faster though).
This is a frustrating situation. I think it might be our internet router because my roommates tend to have internet troubles now and then too.
But thats why I havent been posting.
So... the outcome of these special circumstances is that I have been doing other things... some good some not so hot... but I have been working out occasionally, painting slightly more often, listening to some great toons, reading a lot more, playing some computer games and watching some movies and tv. Last night I spent about 5 hours watching Top Chef a reality challenge game about cooking... so dramatic I didn't want to stop.
I have also been trying to set up a cult. Rather a spiritual group of some sort. I am not always sure why or what we are doing, but I like the idea.
As a person who believes that things sometimes happen for a reason, I am wondering if my involvement with this group and my internet not working at the same time have some relation... is the universe trying to tell me something?
I have been noticing some changes in my mood and head. Sometimes its because the weather is getting to me, sometimes because work sucks lately, sometimes because maybe I am not getting the comfort I need.
At times this has meant great fantasies about dating and what not, at other times I contemplate leaving the country or becoming a monk and devoting myself to less worldly things.
The other day I woke up with that familiar feeling about never being able to judge others... Its an odd thing because of course its really easy to judge, to have an opinion, to say "those fuckers who are keeping us from universal healthcare need a good smiting" but the reality is, I just don't see the big deal sometimes... A step back from the immediate and I lose all touch with the reality in front of me... Suffering is bad up close, but from far away it looks like one more thing that we just have to go through to grow, is the person who causes suffering doing anything worse than the person who helps in rebuilding? Aren't they both necessary?
Its sort of the Judas dilemna. Everyone thinks of Judas (the disciple of Jesus) as being a bad guy, a traitor, a greedy dick basically... because Judas was the one who set up the arrest of Jesus.... but wasn't it Jesus' or God's plan to have Jesus put to death?
Thus wasn't it necessary for Judas to do what he did? and the reality within the scriptures is that both men died through the act, both suffered in the name of trying to improve things... so is one better or worse?
Tuesday's workout has left me really fucking sore today... ever since I woke up, no all night long I could feel my muscles and tendons tightening... and I am unsure if I am supposed to try to relax them, stretch them or what... but I feel like a dinosaur because my arms wont extend.
I was supposed to go to the EDMinnesota conferences today to get some training... but no.
this means I will have to take a class or something in the next few years to get enough hours... and maybe in a year or two I will be ready for that... but for now 4 DAY WEEKEND!
This is a frustrating situation. I think it might be our internet router because my roommates tend to have internet troubles now and then too.
But thats why I havent been posting.
So... the outcome of these special circumstances is that I have been doing other things... some good some not so hot... but I have been working out occasionally, painting slightly more often, listening to some great toons, reading a lot more, playing some computer games and watching some movies and tv. Last night I spent about 5 hours watching Top Chef a reality challenge game about cooking... so dramatic I didn't want to stop.
I have also been trying to set up a cult. Rather a spiritual group of some sort. I am not always sure why or what we are doing, but I like the idea.
As a person who believes that things sometimes happen for a reason, I am wondering if my involvement with this group and my internet not working at the same time have some relation... is the universe trying to tell me something?
I have been noticing some changes in my mood and head. Sometimes its because the weather is getting to me, sometimes because work sucks lately, sometimes because maybe I am not getting the comfort I need.
At times this has meant great fantasies about dating and what not, at other times I contemplate leaving the country or becoming a monk and devoting myself to less worldly things.
The other day I woke up with that familiar feeling about never being able to judge others... Its an odd thing because of course its really easy to judge, to have an opinion, to say "those fuckers who are keeping us from universal healthcare need a good smiting" but the reality is, I just don't see the big deal sometimes... A step back from the immediate and I lose all touch with the reality in front of me... Suffering is bad up close, but from far away it looks like one more thing that we just have to go through to grow, is the person who causes suffering doing anything worse than the person who helps in rebuilding? Aren't they both necessary?
Its sort of the Judas dilemna. Everyone thinks of Judas (the disciple of Jesus) as being a bad guy, a traitor, a greedy dick basically... because Judas was the one who set up the arrest of Jesus.... but wasn't it Jesus' or God's plan to have Jesus put to death?
Thus wasn't it necessary for Judas to do what he did? and the reality within the scriptures is that both men died through the act, both suffered in the name of trying to improve things... so is one better or worse?
Tuesday's workout has left me really fucking sore today... ever since I woke up, no all night long I could feel my muscles and tendons tightening... and I am unsure if I am supposed to try to relax them, stretch them or what... but I feel like a dinosaur because my arms wont extend.
I was supposed to go to the EDMinnesota conferences today to get some training... but no.
this means I will have to take a class or something in the next few years to get enough hours... and maybe in a year or two I will be ready for that... but for now 4 DAY WEEKEND!
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
I need to vent.
I am sorry if this bothers anyone or makes them uncomfortable.
I started having feelings for a friend of mine, or rather I had them, they started going away, and then they came back (somewhat). It really bothers me how I can be so interested in someone, or have such dynamic mood swings depending on how I am feeling about them (or they me). Normally this would mean that I should jump into a relationship or something right? I mean, I must have feelings for them if they affect me that much... but those feelings aren't really all that permanent and even more... I am so scared of it not working out that its hard to even consider it... I mean if I feel this bad when I am worried about our friendship not working, than how would I deal if we dated and it didn't work.
So then she says she likes me... and I am not sure how to take that... because it could mean she wants to date, or it could mean she wants to stay friends, or it could mean she wants nothing to do with me... because perhaps it isn't worth the trouble.
So the one thing I am learning again... is that relationships are not easy.
In all honesty I don't have plans to make this any more than a friendship because I am too scared to do anything else but when I told her these fears she said we should talk about it later.
Now I feel like an idiot.
At the same time, I see so much potential in the idea that relationships grow out of people acting like an idiot (being vulnerable) and the other person not only NOT rejecting them, but supporting or forgiving them.
I just needed to vent.
I feel like a 4 year old... and I am entirely sure that those dreams I have been having are 100% about this situation and I knew that when they happened but I didn't want to say it because that would give it even more gravity.
I don't like feeling out of control and being weightless and gravitating towards these bipolar feelings certainly doesnt feel like being in control.
I am sorry if this bothers anyone or makes them uncomfortable.
I started having feelings for a friend of mine, or rather I had them, they started going away, and then they came back (somewhat). It really bothers me how I can be so interested in someone, or have such dynamic mood swings depending on how I am feeling about them (or they me). Normally this would mean that I should jump into a relationship or something right? I mean, I must have feelings for them if they affect me that much... but those feelings aren't really all that permanent and even more... I am so scared of it not working out that its hard to even consider it... I mean if I feel this bad when I am worried about our friendship not working, than how would I deal if we dated and it didn't work.
So then she says she likes me... and I am not sure how to take that... because it could mean she wants to date, or it could mean she wants to stay friends, or it could mean she wants nothing to do with me... because perhaps it isn't worth the trouble.
So the one thing I am learning again... is that relationships are not easy.
In all honesty I don't have plans to make this any more than a friendship because I am too scared to do anything else but when I told her these fears she said we should talk about it later.
Now I feel like an idiot.
At the same time, I see so much potential in the idea that relationships grow out of people acting like an idiot (being vulnerable) and the other person not only NOT rejecting them, but supporting or forgiving them.
I just needed to vent.
I feel like a 4 year old... and I am entirely sure that those dreams I have been having are 100% about this situation and I knew that when they happened but I didn't want to say it because that would give it even more gravity.
I don't like feeling out of control and being weightless and gravitating towards these bipolar feelings certainly doesnt feel like being in control.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
I spent the evening chasing some girl around in my dreams. In a hasty maneuver I jumped into the water and she followed. We swam to each other, embraced and turned to watch the ship she loved turn so slowly, no one could deny it, watched it crash into the walls of the tunnel. Her beloved hand me down, the wooden hull splintering against the stone brick walls, dull red paint, light at the end of the tunnel reflected off the water and the darkness...
When we boarded the wreck that was her home again, I saw that it was my friends who had led it astray. Who had made the situation once bright splendid into a sinking despair.
They were drunk and could only say sorry. It wasn't enough and the woman transformed again as she had twice already as I held her. Her friend followed crying her into the other room and I was left, I could only yell at my friends, to shame them.
I woke up then.
These dreams have been intense lately. As if something is happening. As if it affects those around me and they it.
Someone always seems to fall in love and someone always seems to get hurt and I always feel like I am responsible.
When we boarded the wreck that was her home again, I saw that it was my friends who had led it astray. Who had made the situation once bright splendid into a sinking despair.
They were drunk and could only say sorry. It wasn't enough and the woman transformed again as she had twice already as I held her. Her friend followed crying her into the other room and I was left, I could only yell at my friends, to shame them.
I woke up then.
These dreams have been intense lately. As if something is happening. As if it affects those around me and they it.
Someone always seems to fall in love and someone always seems to get hurt and I always feel like I am responsible.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Right before I woke up I had a dream about Alexis.
We were sitting side by side looking at a photo album filled with all her favorite pictures and events. So many looked unfamiliar, many were new and I had to concentrate to keep up with the explanations. At one point she said her friends helped her trim down the amount of pictures in the book, she said that was why there were so few that I had been a part of. When they were looking at them they decided that the fact that I took 10 times more pictures than a normal person meant that I would have an unfair advantage so they limited it to just a few. That didn't bother me, I was too busy enjoying her presence.
Then my alarm went off. I was disappointed and spent the next 15 minutes in bed, in the shower I decided I need to try harder to move on with my life... (like that thought doesn't occur to me everyday).
We were sitting side by side looking at a photo album filled with all her favorite pictures and events. So many looked unfamiliar, many were new and I had to concentrate to keep up with the explanations. At one point she said her friends helped her trim down the amount of pictures in the book, she said that was why there were so few that I had been a part of. When they were looking at them they decided that the fact that I took 10 times more pictures than a normal person meant that I would have an unfair advantage so they limited it to just a few. That didn't bother me, I was too busy enjoying her presence.
Then my alarm went off. I was disappointed and spent the next 15 minutes in bed, in the shower I decided I need to try harder to move on with my life... (like that thought doesn't occur to me everyday).
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Shit son, its been a while... didn't notice sorry.
Well geez... I guess I am back in work mode and not thinking about your kind souls all that much... I did pray today for everyone... but thats beside the point.
What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?
I guess uh talking to people or something.
I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.
heres a website I have been going to a lot lately
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
that should keep you heathens entertained.
What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?
I guess uh talking to people or something.
I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.
heres a website I have been going to a lot lately
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
that should keep you heathens entertained.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Some Thoughts
Today was a crabby day... that being said it fits rather perfectly with some of the thoughts I had.
Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?
2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?
*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).
3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.
4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?
Those are some thoughts
Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?
2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?
*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).
3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.
4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?
Those are some thoughts
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I think I forget about this
With Pete back in town, there are a lot more group activities. More gatherings... this is to be expected and on the first or second night home I stayed up with Pete discussing this effect he has on people. I mentioned it in the positive, and though I still maintain that it is a wonderful trait, I forgot one part of the group dynamic is the inevitable moment in which you realize that perhaps you aren't needed there. Its not that you aren't wanted, loved, cared for... its just that people can focus their attention on the others at any moment... and for someone like me who primarily hangs with one or two people at a time (getting their full attention)... this is a really uncomfortable feeling.
I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.
So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.
I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.
So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
As polite as I may be, no one wants to hear me walk around singing "Alice in my fantasies. "
I will not provide context for any of the following photos except to say two brides are pictured in interesting poses.
Well... I had a good weekend so far.
Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.
I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.
The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...
Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.
Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.
Well... I had a good weekend so far.
Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.
I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.
The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...
Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.
Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Friendship is such a weird thing. After years of having friends you'd think you'd be used to it but no. A struggle and a joy.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Si for the Tarantulees
I was listening to some Mars Volta and now I am listening to spanish holiday music for the Semana Santa Festival. Its very epic and spanish. I spent a night wandering along the river in Sevilla wondering what that music was and how I could keep it in my heart, but now I just settle for youtube. Sometimes I feel like there is this old music playing in my soul, like as a baby I hummed this or something. I know I used to hum classical music to myself, but the richness of this stuff is incredible and feels like home and like heaven and it makes me understand the pagenantry of Catholicism in a way I never could before. None of this is what I wanted to talk about tonight... but what did I have to say really? A list of goals maybe, or a list of hopes, or a list of things that have happened lately. Pete has returned, I didn't make it to the play, I forgot to call my dad back, Rachel is moving to the cities, I spent some time with Jess V last night and it reminded me of what I am missing not having a girl friend... even though we spent half the time talking about potential partners or in her case (her partner) well actually I talked more than I should. The other day was Alexis' birthday and I missed dating her. I was telling Jess it felt like dating a rock star sometimes, everything was exciting and challenging, and yes sometimes that was annoying and overkill, but it also felt really amazing to know that someone that exciting liked me. Hard to find that again. But maybe I am just afraid of starting over. I know I have been holding myself back a lot. Something occurred to me the other day and that is, I have never had a girlfriend while becky was around. Maybe for a month but then I left. I don't know how it would be. I also feel like I have so many friends now that count on me in some way and I already don't spend enough time with them... my tendency with girlfriends is to be intense and hibernate with them... how will people react if I do that? Something also occurred to me after I spent a few hours talking with Jess because I always wonder why i am so weird around her... and this thought has been said before.. but I tend to believe people fall in love with me for what I can do for them and not for who I am... but I feel uncomfortable around people until I win them over... and then just assume if I share too much they will go away. OH well... heres some things I need to do next week: Buy new shoes, weights, art supplies and any other clothes I need, get my brakes fixed, clean my car, make a dentist appointment, do my laundry, clean my room, see friends, go to some weddings, see my fam, help someone move and possibly go camping.
Monday, August 03, 2009
some stuff
First off) I have really bad circulation or something... so if I die any time soon or in the future remember it was a good ride and that I wasn't all I was cracked up to be.
Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.
Third) is there anything to do?
Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.
Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.
Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.
Third) is there anything to do?
Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.
Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.
KT posted this
Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body, and can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly and can you kneel before the king and say ‘I’m clean’, ‘I’m Clean’?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
Her white blank page & a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Its Sunday right?
Jessica before Benihana
Sarah and Pete at their Wedding 
The three lovely ladies I primarily hung out with at the wedding. 
The lovely ladies that took me to the zoo 
Rachel and her friend at the Shout House on her birthday.