I need to vent.
I am sorry if this bothers anyone or makes them uncomfortable.
I started having feelings for a friend of mine, or rather I had them, they started going away, and then they came back (somewhat). It really bothers me how I can be so interested in someone, or have such dynamic mood swings depending on how I am feeling about them (or they me). Normally this would mean that I should jump into a relationship or something right? I mean, I must have feelings for them if they affect me that much... but those feelings aren't really all that permanent and even more... I am so scared of it not working out that its hard to even consider it... I mean if I feel this bad when I am worried about our friendship not working, than how would I deal if we dated and it didn't work.
So then she says she likes me... and I am not sure how to take that... because it could mean she wants to date, or it could mean she wants to stay friends, or it could mean she wants nothing to do with me... because perhaps it isn't worth the trouble.
So the one thing I am learning again... is that relationships are not easy.
In all honesty I don't have plans to make this any more than a friendship because I am too scared to do anything else but when I told her these fears she said we should talk about it later.
Now I feel like an idiot.
At the same time, I see so much potential in the idea that relationships grow out of people acting like an idiot (being vulnerable) and the other person not only NOT rejecting them, but supporting or forgiving them.
I just needed to vent.
I feel like a 4 year old... and I am entirely sure that those dreams I have been having are 100% about this situation and I knew that when they happened but I didn't want to say it because that would give it even more gravity.
I don't like feeling out of control and being weightless and gravitating towards these bipolar feelings certainly doesnt feel like being in control.
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