A short update..
I am at school, though apparently and unscheduled plan to head down to the cities might be in order this weekend as gabi might be home.
I am at morris. Morris is small and familiar, or is it? I dont recognize many people around campus, im sure this will change, but there are new buildings, new names and certainly a lot of new faces and when i say new faces i mean NEWer faces, because i am so old!!
I have 5 classes, the good ones so far are east asian history and a class on depictions and ethics of war. The bad so far is my soc methods class, which is a joke and not challenging and mind numbingly slow and boring and even a little stupid.
Im seeing lots of people, in fact we are playing risk tonight, me and mike the rock are starting a KUMM radio program (which you can find on Itunes if you like later)
and im thinking of attending meetings like the college dems, soc anth club, womens resource center and peer health educators...
but to go back, on top of my 18 credits, i am finishing a directed study with one of my fav profs, but he is a challenging man, who seems to have confidence in my abilities despite the fact i have blown off my directed study for almost 8 months now... and so i should be finishing that up/working on new stuff with that... so
22-ish credits....
Working on things like figuring out my homework before hand, and planning time to spend with people i care about...
we got a new roommate today.
steve my brother moved to milwaukee today.

anyway... despite or because of all this, the semester seems fairly cheerful... and um more to come. peace and love
taff

I may have mentioned this already, but i was talking to lex, about how i dont know how to deal with death. more that i havent really had to many times...
The closest living thing to me that has ever died was my cat fuzzy, and though i didnt have a clue what to do at the time, the fact that I kept seeing him everywhere kind of made up for it... like an imagined reminder that he will always be with me... sadly too real at times (where you get your hopes up).
I went to a funeral on my birth day once, I hardly knew the man, I think it was my dad's uncle Boyd... His wife is amazingly nice and rather beautiful fopr being the younger sister of my grama...
I remember that was the same year the gulf war was supposed to start and I felt like the whole thing sucked... sort of guilty that my birthday was bringing about such tragedy... sort of pissed that I had to give up my birthday (not because anyone told me i had to, but because I knew i had to, for the suffering)
thats a really fucked up thing to say. I was turning 7 and felt like i had to give up my birthday because such horrible things were happening... (its kind of fucked up that im proud i felt that way too)

anyway... Fuzzy died and I wrote shitty poems about mourning... but no one understood really, they just knew i was fucked up... steve wrote me a note and told me not to think of hurting myself, i was a teenager... he didnt have any reason to worry, but my paintings and poems at the time would have pointed otherwise.

in kindergarten a girl died, in 6th grade a boy died, im not even sure when ginger hicks died... i felt a loss, but not something i was hung up on or anything.... my mom thought i might need counseling i think when the girl in kindergarten died... I made peace with it pretty quick... (i mean for me, considering zach gave me a lecture two days ago about not feeling bad about something that happened 10 years ago). Anyway this is all shit henry was trying to help me with...
including the shit i was talking to lex about...
including the shit i was just talking to Illy about...
including how i often have felt about illy....

my mom calls and tells me the funeral is tomorrow at 11:00 (i have a lunch date with nona at 12)

this makes me sad, because although i dont really want to go to the funeral (more the formality) I feel really awful (like in myself, no outside pressure) for not going.
My mom says its ok, and tells me to go look at this website they make for family and friends and stuff in the mourning process.... Caringbridge.com
I go and look her up, I read the first three-four paragraphs her husband writes...
Shes in pain,
shes dying
the kids are called

I start crying and cant read more...

I dont know what it is, im not so afraid of dying, not afraid of death... im sure people who are loving and loved have good things happen to them (whatever the case may be)... I havent talked to the woman in years, havent connected, she barely knows me....
I mourn the loss of possibility, both of future connections, and the ability to tell her or myself that what she had done was meaningful... had changed my life, had made me a better person.

I think i dislike death...

I think i love you.

well since i just finished a quick painting of a woman breastfeeding....

um listening to the original broadway production of HAIR rather than the movie version which i had originally, and at first one is thrown off by the grunge feeling of it, in terms of the under production in comparison to the movie version.... much of the music in the play version isnt so equalized, and the at some points it sounds more like someone mic-ed the entire cast and music pit with one mic and said go to town... (maybe they did...?) but then after a few minutes you realize (through the feeling alone) how much more honest and beautiful it is. I like the movie version but this reminds me of seeing the play, and it was the best musical i had ever seen...

Anywho...
Also so that new will farrel movie with my step brothers tonight, it was aight, but probably not worth the cash.... the boys feel awkward around me.

Well illy told me she is reading these and i am not providing enough info/entertainment.... so
On a sad note...
My mom just called me, its like 9:00 AM on Tuesday and we have to go take family pictures in like an hour and a half, i had just woken up to JET, but anywho...

my mom just called me, and after saying she was trying to wake me up, told me a friend of hers died last night.
I asked when the funeral was.
The woman has been battling cancer for quite a while, and actually lived much longer than they said she would, with a full year of a clean bill of health in-between... but when I first found out until today (minus the happy surprise in the middle) I have been oddly attached.... not that I have like visited, or even talked to her... but she was one of my moms only friends at the wedding. (it was very low key immediate family, grandparents, and like 4 others...)
I met her in Tanzania, she was a missionary there and like many missionaries i have met was really cool, very nice supportive, mothering in a nice way. She has three kids of her own, all grown, but one of them was this awesome woman named jodi...(taught me some slang and such in Swahili)
i cant really explain why i feel attached, my total time with this woman in life wouldn’t even add up to a full day... but when good people die, you feel weird.
I guess I must associate her with the positive repercussions of being exposed to the world, associate her as someone who wanted to love the world.

Im not sure who did more of this, but heres a little story.
Linda and her husband were missionaries in Tanzania, and had a house, a pretty nice house there... anyway they had a groundskeeper/guard for the house who was working one day and saw a man try to sneak on to the property who wanted to steal some stuff.
I had been in their house and hadn’t seen much to steal, but im sure any random thing he could have gotten some money for... anyway the guard stopped him, and the thief proceeded to cut him down the side of his face.... this caused a commotion and like in many countries a crowd formed to "deal with the thief."
In many countries where police are not necessarily to be counted on, justice takes a form of mob rule... and thieves are often killed (stoning, hanging, burning...) I think the intention was to tie him up with old tires and burn him alive in this case...
and Linda and Doug fearing for the man's life called up the police and also refused to let the crowd take him struggling for quite a while against them. They then spent hours with the police trying to make sure the man would be safe (the police thought they were being silly and would have let the crowd take him) and took their guard guy to the hospital to make sure he got treated well (where as normally he wouldn’t have).. In many places in the world, it is assumed that a guard would do what this man did, and if he could not perform his job afterwards would be replaced… well in this case:
Eventually the thief lived - probably learned his lesson...
the guard was given medical treatment and then something like a goat or two, which is like not only giving him food or what not, but another source of income...
and the people there got to see that “Christians” perceive life to be more important than materialism and such…. Which even if it isn’t true all the time, is a better and harder message than I think a lot of us would be able to put forth in our lives..

anyway… I have a soft spot for them, and she has now moved on.
(sorry if this was boring..)

Yall gots to be sick of that last post by now...
so let me update you with stuff.... not anything interesting but stuff.

Spent some time in the falls area, and then headed out to see my boy for a night though it must have seemed i was more excited about chinese food then chillin... and we werent certain about his really friendly crew's plans to attend a highschool party
(how old are we?)

anyway... spent some time with Lex's fam which was really nice, and brought more of a picture together... they are a lot of fun..
shot down to texas to see Nova and Austin
had a blast though we couldnt credit too much stuff to our itinerary... (um we felt like we were doing stuff the whole time but cant recall a lot to tell people about.) except that Austin is awesome and would be great to live in if it werent for the heat, and it being texas...
we saw bats, we saw superman
we saw costumes, and supermarkets.

on the way back we stopped at denny for the most delicious dennys meal i have ever had, but maybe it was just because we had spent three hours in traffic going approx 25 miles due to a wildfire hitting oklahoma hard.

spent another night with my gramps and ate applebees on the way out.
I got two plans now...
see people and pack.
if you want to hang out call me.

My gramps gave me a 100 bucks for a cell phone and im really considering it, i think i would get a morris number so locals could call me from their house phones..
anyway. i think i might have a bone broken in my foot, cuz its been hurting like hell lately...
saw a movie with my pops yesterday.
went to best buy today and got one of four things i was considering.... might head to cheapo on the way out of town.
ummmmmmm
finally saw v for vendetta. liked it, a little different but good.

uh been typing up poetry all day, so heres some bs:

"sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here..."
thats part of something i wrote last night that isnt finished, but i never finish anything... so.....

i know i promised some poetry before i left, i wrote one of em, and it can be found on my facebook currently the song isnt started... but i got some other stuff i been writing, and old shit i finally got typed up.

I always look through my old folders thinking i might have something (i got like 3-4 folders stuffed with sheets of paper, napkins and other bs with scribblings on them)
but im always so blown away by how much crap there is that i rarely find anything i think is good enough to remember.
um but i think there are about 5-6 new and old things i will add, probably right after this... so.... i really need to go through that blog and figure out what i have and what i havent put on there yet....


um family pictures tomorrow morning deemed it necessary to shave.
wednesday fam dinner with my dad lebanese food
thursday? fri? headed to morris either fri or sat.

as far as i know we are still looking for a roommate and im a lazy bastard.
peace to you

havent typed the shit up yet, but got some ideas written down about peace and my dick(and you know i dont edit) so there ought to be some shit on the poetry blog by the time i leave for sioux falls manana.
(slipping info in....)
was up to like 6 not doing shit, trying to sleep and thinking too much and rhyming too much in my head....
got half more journal written 6 months late.
POS on my stereo keeping me pumped.
shit i forgot to call ALi.
peace and love yall

Still havent written anything new... working a bit on my india journal... got half the things on my list done (but they were the easy things)

On the way home from getting food, i caught myself totally rocking out to a song i would never even listen to.
That ever happen to you? it wasnt that i suddenly liked it or anything, it was that i wasnt paying attention and had been rocking out to the previous song, and when it came on i just went with it, and then when i realized, i was astounded at how bad the song was....

My mom showed me her and grants new motorcycle and besides feelings of general disinterest and slight worry, i wondered if i liked garth brooks for a second.... she was playing a cd on the motorcycle's cd player (i was shocked too)
and there was a energetic violin and some not bad accoustic work, but it all got ruined when he started singing fucking country twang.
it wouldnt be that bad i guess, i mean hes more pop country...

my dad told me i would only be able to borrow Ali's camera for monday and tuesday which makes it pretty obvious im headed back there at some point... but oh well... a couple days to do homework and shit in sioux falls... call up serrah, have her show me around.
listening to the first incubus cd right now... its the funkiest.
best get back to homework... all night i have been putting down the urge to go to blockbuster and rent a certain V movie... but they probably dont have any copies in...


the stupid monkeys on fox news radio were getting all there shit mixed up tonight, and though that should be funny (to listen as they make stupid mistakes making them sound like idiots) it was only more infuriating..

still bummed about that concert...
my room reminds me of things undone and things i want to do, like draw and paint... but cant because i have homework to do.
peace you

several words before i go get food...

seems like i never post when im in morris eh? thats cuz all my thoughts are spoken to lex... pretty much... i guess i dont think too much.

anyway.

announcements...

* My lil brother got in to milwaukee...
* I found my india journal
* Our water got turned off at the house (by the landlord not the city) which i have been told we can get a refund for, but i feel weird asking for money back when no one is living there... then i wonder why we are paying money when no one is living there.
* we got to celebrate mi chica's 23erd... and today is rock's 21st.
* I got to see several members of my family in morris this past week.
* I realized today, that i will probably not end up going to see two of my favorite bands this fall (the chili peppers and the mars volta in concert together...)
and that really blows... but the floor tickets are already sold out... and i dont even know if i would be able to go... (like school wise)
It also i think shows how old i am, that i didnt just buy tickets immediately when they went on sale... im some sort of old geezer i guess... slow on the draw
* i had some other things.... im gonna go see becky tomorrow...
* Im hoping to go to sioux falls on sunday...
* im also hoping to leave from there for colorado like possibly thursday
* I think i want to write something about "the pay roll" (some thoughts from karma police by radiohead) --well its written on my hand anyway..

we are looking for a roommate! help!?!?

and also school starts on the 28th so that probably means moving to morris on the 26th or so...

peace

I kept trying to wait to see if I had anything important to say before I left --couldnt think of anything. So i guess here is the schedule: Leave today for morris, spend approx a week and a half... (probably around the 4-5) come back to cities, spend 2-3 days, seeing people catching up, doing laundry the go to sioux falls and work with my gramps a bit... then go a traveling out west... few days in CO a few days in TX a lot of driving... come back drop miss Lang off, probably have to go back to sioux falls (as i just realized that wont be very long there) then come back pack up the last of my stuff... say goodbyes and head to school probably around the end of that 4th week in august (25ish).
This leaves little time for more projects... unless i get better at sketching while im in morris.

things that will be accomplished this summer if i get this stuff done:
Trips to friends
gramps stuff
moving to new house
some art
new comp (some transfers)

things left unaccomplished
no new poetry
no music
no comprehensive photo or writing projects
no large paintings... (sad)several blank poster boards and canvases...
no homework finished... (although maybe i could do it like i did my college application I.E. while visiting nova and pete *hmmmmmm*))

good stuff... got to see lots of people and it was really nice, didnt see everyone but cant be perfect... hoping to not be a stranger anyway...



This is like the midterm rap up, but the next half is so different that it needs to be treated as such. Rushing around doing random things.

the purpose of showering this morning was to not have an itchy head... what the fuck?

all i want is for you to be happy. (eh line from a chili peppers song, u gotta give it up for the guitar on that one... nice jf nice.)

My dad used to bring up forgiveness in the heat of arguments, in our enraged battles where of course we brought up the divorce, of the cheating, of the lying. Our hurt hearts, and his hurt integrity. He used to bring up forgiveness, and we would be even more enraged... (i say we, but I dont know about my brothers, but me...) As if I hadnt been trying with every ounce to forgive him since day one. To understand his struggle his pain, his reasoning, as if I hadnt tried in every way to replace the hurt with something better... as if my every move in life wasnt to try to forgive to make amends to make peace...
I understand now, its not a new understanding but i was thinking about it... my arguments must have seemed so silly to him... because they were never about the little things, but something so much bigger. I hauled him in to a counseling session to have a counselor (a friend of his) help me explain why I couldnt do the dishes, not because of the work, but because it meant him backing out on another promise. He backed down around that time, not for good, but i think he finally got it.
he should have known though, sometimes its not the little things, sometimes beyond the surface, the appearance, the anxiety the stress and little worries... (but from his perspective)How can one heal a wound they created with out trying... how can one move on to make things better when the other person is still dealing.
You try, you move forward, and you stand their and listen as many times as it takes, as life moves on forgiveness takes over but its not a conscious thing, feelings are feelings and when they are hurt, it matters.
Im sorry to my father, but Im not sorry for feeling, for needing time to heal, for trying and sometimes being unable to forgive...
Im sorry (when in his role) that I cant help reassure more, but i understand the feelings, so i cant be impatient. When I can I help bring understanding to the feelings, the situation that causes them etc. but for the most part, there is no argument, and there wont ever be.

Listening to talk radio makes you feel things

I started listening to a lot of talk radio a week ago, and i started finding it a lot more compelling then the same old tapes and the bad music they play... but part of the reason its compelling is because its conservative stuff, and i get energized.

So two things i guess:

A) on one program today, (a non political show) they were talking about mail order brides, and the male hosts were going on and on about how american women have too much attitude and such. (not that they put it so bluntly) but in general that a lot of men are out there looking for women and cant seem to find "a good one" and though i didnt believe them anyway, it did make me really happy about the way my life has worked out so far, and made me realize that i take for granted what other people are struggling for, a good relationship.
So I was thankful.

B) on the way home from seeing clerks with my brothers and zach, (very stupid but funny movie by the way) I was listening again, and they were talking about the hezbollah stuff and the host was having people call in to vote on whether the US should get involved, and ignorant mother fucker after ignorant mother fucker went on air saying that we should get in to another war, not only with hezbollah but syria and iran.... and it made me sick. I know they screen these calls and pitch it one way, and make it seem like they have more support then they actually do, but when will we learn? war breeds war, destruction destruction hatred hatred... and right when i was about to drive down there and become one of them myself by killing the fucking dj, an advertisement from a domestic abuse group comes on and tells parents to teach their children about how harming women is wrong. (and though i agree and think that group is pretty sweet) how the fuck do we teach are kids that violence against others is wrong when we enter into war as if it were a computer game?
The other day i heard person after person say if country A supplies weapons to country B to fight C (syria/iran helps hezbollah attack israel) then Country C can attack country A (israel attacks syria/iran)
Hypocrites!! Every attack on Israel or the US has been justified in the same way by the attackers! If there is one country (in the last 100 years) who has supplied the most weapons and support to regimes that hurt others it would be the US. Every war we have been in since WWII has been because we supplied B to hurt C and C wanted our blood. russia and china do the same shit. I know, but can we admit that we are no better?

They treat our world like video games.
I have been playing them for years, i know what they are like, and the world is not a fucking video game!!!
fuck those stupid assholes.

I wish i werent better than them, because then I could treat them like they treat us, but I cant, I cant give up hope, I cant not make peace, I cant not have the discussion. Im sitting here worried about moving in with a girl who is my political opposite, not because im afraid of the arguments but because I dont want them to hurt anyone, I dont want there to be so much friction that we cant sit down and know that we are human, but their solution is bomb the abortion clinics, bomb the countries, bomb and kill anything that disagrees to save freedom and humanity. fuck them.
when I get fired for being a teacher, at least I'll know it was cuz I cared about the fucking principles they claim to.

My comments from two conversations earlier today:


MJHaggar: ah.... that living shit is overrated... where did anyone ever get living

MJHaggar: so um space cowboy, hows the rodeo?
MJHaggar: thats a conversation starter if i have ever heard one


MJHaggar: i should just get a new space ship
MJHaggar: for sure... they come with like space shit too... like tooth paste
MJHaggar: fucking martian

MJHaggar: ah... u should fix my car
MJHaggar: or make it better... but i cant pay you
MJHaggar: maybe in sexual favors

This is how well people know me
robettefr: ok so let me tell you about this video's we made
robettefr: with roz and her digital camera
MJHaggar: ok
robettefr: and they're not dirty so no
MJHaggar: this isnt gonna get kinky is it
MJHaggar: hahaha
robettefr: k
robettefr: stop
MJHaggar: hahahaha (((( (that was so funny, she said no before I even said it!!!))))

most bloggers are A)like me, and just complain when they got something to rant about or B) are actual writers.... and i like both, i mean both have their place... but i wish i were more like B...

I bought this movie called Stage Beauty cuz a preview once impressed me.
its about a male actor way back when, in London who plays women's roles during the time when they change it over and finally allow women on stage. In the movie, his faithful dresser girl becomes a big star, and he has to deal with his ego and other things watching her become famous, while he becomes considered useless...
The movie is good for like 5 reasons... (im really glad i got it)
1: historical stuff, that is rarely talked about,
2: gender, sex, love, equality, socialization
3: the acting is really good... (clare danes and Billy Crudup-both of whom i have liked in many things.... but I think it is one of Clare's best performances...-they even fake accents rather well)
4: the script is funny and entertaining.
5: they do that whole, drama causes people to grow both as people and in their profession thing... personal revelations, and things like friendship/love win out over personal struggles... but in a less cheesy way than i am making it sound.

plus billy crudup is in drag for more than half the movie...


if i had one problem with the movie it would be that clare danes character doesnt get fatter when she is a star... she is too skinny throughout the movie, but since she is very poor at the beginning it makes sense... but why wouldnt she fatten up like all the upper class women? huh? huh?

anyway, i would like to say this is for anyone, but its not... i mean others might find in entertaining, but i think the intellectual stuff is more suited to the sociology and gender studies crowd.... or people who like acting and history....


**************
rediscovering the big wu, last night.... was pretty good, though i was trying to sleep from being all sick like...
i put on the first cd of their concert at the cedar cultural centre, and it includes an accoustic set of mostly old folk songs and such... and then a couple of my fav songs by them... including "Elani"
but if you ever want to try out a big wu, live or regular cd, i would suggest their other live (at the fitzgerald) cd if you like jam music, and maybe tracking buffalo through the bathtub (its the one i started on and its got a lot of good pop sensible but fun songs) for the less jam band cats...

live at the fitzgerald is probably my favorite live cd ever... i think... i think the chili peppers live at slane castle is my fav live dvd...

you dont care about this shit... but why not say it...


me and steve and possibly my brother or a friend or something ight go see clerks 2 tonight

the last time me and steve and james went to a comedy i believe it was team america, i think we came in late, like in the middle of a song, and all of us were about to piss our pants within like 5 minutes... which is quite weird when u come in all anxious from being late.



hmmmm mike the rock says hes gotten better at guitar... i always say im gonna do something with him musically... and i really intend to, we just never get around to it... but when he says things like that it gets me all pumped.

well as one is want to do, i am gonna go brush my teeth. and in a manner of speaking that is my way to say goodbye.

according to wikipedia:
"According to a simple stereotype, most inhabitants of St. Louis Park are Jewish. In fact, there may be about equal numbers of Jews, Protestants, and Catholics. The city has been comically called St. Jewish Park. The city's official web site contains a page listing 19 Christian churches and five Jewish synagogues. (The U.S. Census does not ask people their religious affiliation, so definitive data on residents' religions are difficult to obtain.)"

Sometimes you dont post for a long time because u dont feel like you have anything to say, sometimes you are too busy and sometimes you feel like you dont know where to start... this has been a mix of all three. nothing huge has happened, but i have had some really good times with some people, seen some cats i havent seen in a while, havent done my homework or any projects, did buy a computer have been playing civ IV and creating a pile of trash on my floor.
good times with
chris d
aimee
illy
russ and greta
my girl
troy and anna
molly and brady
my brother

planning on seeing soon
my dad
steve
hopefully jason and amber
zach
maybe krystin and melissa
maybe becky

tentative plans Sioux falls early august, CO and TX late mid august.

have enjoyed much fake chinese food, gyros, chicken fingers, etcetc

hmmmm
hopefully i will get back to painting and drawing soon, as well as writing... i find my words just arent coming, even in conversations which is really hgard, i wonder if im not reading enough... I got really inspired for about 2 hours watching a bob dylan dvd which im gonna finish up tonight... maybe i will write some more.

I dont know where my india journal is, and thats scary... i have no desire to finish my independent study stuff (not that i dont want to finish it, but that i cant get started)
my girl seems to like her job and its really nice to talk to her.
west here we come

it seems like every one and their mom wants to date an older man, hell even i do sometimes... i mean brad pitt is so dreamy. but honestly, if all my friends at 20ish are dating 30 somethings... then shouldnt guys my age be dating 12 yr olds? (no im not serious, thats gross and im sorry) and i totally do see the disconnect between 22 yr olds and even 18 yr olds... but how does it leap from like 21f-24/7m to 35m all of a sudden? are you guys trying to get married? are they? or do they just want to have sex with you and know that 30 something yr old women might want more committment...

anyway, thats a stupid rant.
Im headed to morris.
My facebook picture is funny.
my comp is in the shop.
my third arm is missing.
and everyone is right that it is fucking stupidly hot and humid out.

today was not an easy day... still on a list the highs outnumber the lows

Highs:
lunch with my mom (turkish food)
oil change at luxury auto wash place with free pop and squirt guns for the kids!
dinner and talk with melissa
talking with lex
drawing
seeing krystin

lows:
comp
sadness/worries
seeing krystin
worries



Me and melissa are hoping to make it to morris in a few days to see our house... maybe sign the lease, have dinner with lex, i told my dad i would be back by sunday to have dinner.


I've had a headache on and off for about a week. its one of those really bland sort of dull headaches that you dont really notice till you sit still, lay down, or listen to music loudly. melissa told me a friend of hers had a headache and they found out her brain was bleeding. its so stupidly dull i dont want to take tylenol or anything because it doesnt seem like its big enough, and yet everytime i sit for a moment im reminded "oh yeah i have a headache."
i think its built up pressure... but thats so silly when things seem aight.
I feel bad about it, but for days now i have been waking up and going to sleep thinking i need a face and head rub from lex.

a little rant:

My computer is broken (this is my moms)
simply put, it will not go in to windows. It will however go to windows task manager -which means all hope is not lost. But it will not go in to any form of windows, including safe mode (which doesnt seem very safe to me).
round 2
This on top of the fact that I recently decided (a few days ago) NOT to buy a new computer which meant updating the virus software of this one (100$-2 years) and I downloaded it, and didnt get the warranty which makes it available for 1 year but rather the warranty that makes it available for two weeks.
Round 3
I called the Hewlett packard people (the makers) and they said I would have to wipe my computer clean, but that first I should contact some local people to see if they can backup "my documents" like say my 6 months worth of europe pictures or whatever.... but first they made me pay (100$) to extend my warranty for the laptop.... and even when they wipe it clean, there is no guarantee it will work.
round 4
I called best buy and they said they can do whatever I need, but it will take 5 days (at least) and cost at least (100$) but I have worked with this best buy before... and not only do they usually not help, but they also usually take up to 3 weeks when they say 1 week... (these are the guys who lost one of my comp games, and didnt send me a new copy for about 2.5 months)
round 5
I havent been able to upload pictures from my computer to the internet en mass for several months -sure i can put up one at a time, but i cant make facebook albums, or snapfish alubums or yahoo albums, or even put them on here. and when i do, it says contact the internet service provider, but this is regardless of what internet i use... i think... -not only does that blow... but it also keeps me from backing up my precious photos on the internet... (just in case something happens like where i might need to erase my hard drive)
Round 6
I got 100$ worth of computer games a year ago and havent been able to play them because this computer isnt up to date on graphics software and because it is a laptop it cant be updated.
round 7
the battery on my laptop has never been good, and basically lasts for about 10-15 minutes which means it always has to be plugged in, which means (although it is not as bad as a desk top) it doesnt have the friendly use anywhere-ness of a normal notebook.

So thats that....
I spent a fortune, or will soon, and i dont even necessarly get a working computer back... which makes me want to buy a new one... which means spending a fucking goat load more...
but....

round 8.... even if i do that...... my external hard drive (think way back on this one) still wont work with out some sort of repair... and if they wipe my laptop clean.... it may never get restored...
which means tons and tons and tons of hours of uploading music not to mention a year worth of pictures, stories games... etc.... all fucked.

so thats my rant... and like many of you have felt at some point in your lives...
right now i hate computers!

I recently watched walk the line, with lex... which is a great movie and i really think i will buy it, its also a really beautiful song, but sadly from a very mixed up man..... but anyway... that stuff is not the reason i started like johhny cash... it was before the "hurt" video and the other covers, it was after hearing burning ring of fire and several of his other songs... (they were great, but not what i was looking for)
it was when i saw a replay of the live tv performance of this song

Man In Black by Johnny Cash

Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.

I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.

Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.

I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.

Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black

its funny, after 6 months of complaining.... i finally shut up, and thus stop posting... so content, so happy with everything...
Today I met Illy's grandparents a lovely english couple (i'll throw in jewish because its so prominent in their lives, where as often its not something i would make excessively known) anyway... I met her grandparents and sat down with her gramps who kept exclaiming that i looked very familiar like someone he had once known, and he wondered about my family... it was really nice and clean and for some reason felt a lot like heaven to me... looking through their window at the apartment building's pool. the glass statues in the glass display case, the books on the table... their comfortable couch and clean carpet... her gramps was worried about his age and health. Illy says hes a bit of a drama king. I wonder if G-d is that way, wondering, worrying, complaining about this and that... and i hope that he makes me an angel cuz like lex with my gramps, it felt really nice to sit and listen, to reassure and be reassured.
They told me i have the face of a good teacher.

I let him believe my gramps was also a gunner on a destroyer in the war, though i really just meant to say he was on a destroyer.
small differences- that mean nothing compared to a man who feels a glimmer of connection to a world he sees slipping away.
heaven is nice place and connection.

maybe thats why i am so happy. i feel like im connected again... though its hard and weird to figure out schedules. But the people i connect to dont seem to feel the same way as Me... somehow due to the place and position they currently inheret i seem a strange oddity -not struggling like they do and in someways it puts me at distance.... though not something to be striving for... more the exception the oddity.

i wish i could pull off the old peace-chillax-flow-smooth calm-meditate bullshit too complex and too simple to be of any good in trying times...

the future of course is unknown, my fortune cookie said that my luck will soon change... and my luck has been awesome so im preparing...
and you should too cuz im sure this blog will have all the ranting/

but until thanks for all the happiness.
peace and love
to you
taff