gabs was telling me to open a snapfish account so here goes

hopefully that will work they might make u open an account but its cool(minus the e mails they sens u occasionally)

anyway i guess older pics and newer pics will come soon
becky hasnt yet given me permission so i tried to keep her out of the ones so far, i will go ask her when i see her though so its not like a dispute thing just trying to be respectful

if you dont want your picure up, or you find one in particular embarassing ask me to take it off and remember the image number but its all good i gots to go to class peace and love

sage francis "slow down ghandi"


There once was a song called arrest the president
Contemporary music, a hit with the kids, it was a top ten
I wasn't pop then so I missed the bus a bit
But politics was on everybody's hot this summer lists
The cool kids were all rocking votes
I shit you not, I was pistol whippin' cops for hip hop
BooYea!

I'm a soap box yelling into megaphones
Killing hard rocks using carcasses as stepping stones
Had to promise that I'd stop holding my marches
the day that Chris Columbus got crucified in golden arches

My pedestal was too tall to climb off
In fact that's the reason for the high horse
And from up here I see marines and hummers on a conquest
Underdogs with wonderbras in a push up contest
All for the sake of military recruitment
It felt like Kent State the way they targeted the students
I galloped off whistling "Ohio."

The rest of them, stuck doing stand up at a cricket convention
But what they'd die for
is it the same machine that leaves the quality of life poor
An abominable colony of cyborgs
Clogging up the property that I call eyesores

That clever ad campaign ain't worth
The time taken from minimum wage labor
I don't care how half naked or fake she looks
She smells like dirty cash and aged paper books
So what'd she die for
Slow down Gandhi your killin'em
Slow down Gandhi your killin'em

Now it's whistle blower vs. the pistol holder;
Case dismissed, they'll lock you up and throw away the key witness
Justice is the whim of a judge, check his chest density
It leaves much room for error, and the rest left to destiny
The West Memphis 3 lost paradise (www.wm3.org)
It's death penalty vs. suicidal tendencies
All I wanted was a fucking Pepsi
Institution

Making you think you're crazy is a billion dollar industry
If they could sell sanity in a bottle they'd be charging for compressed air
and marketing healthcare
They demonize welfare
Middle class eliminated, rich get richer
till the poor get educated

But some of y'all still haven’t grown into your face
And your face doesn't quite match your head
And I'm waiting for a brain to fill the dead space that's left
You're all, "give me ethnicity or give me dreads."

Trustafundian rebel without a cause for alarm
Cause when push turns to shove
You jump into your forefathers arms
He's a banker, you're part of the system
Off go the dreadlocks in comes the income

The briefcase (the freebase)
The sickness (the symptom)
When the cameras start rollin'
stay the fuck outta the picture pilgrim!

The briefcase ( the freebase)
The sickness ( the symptoms)
When the cameras start rollin'
slow down Gandhi, you're killin'em

Mr. Save The World, spare us the details
Save the females from losing interest
And Miss Save The Universe
You're a damsel in distress
Tied down to a track of isolated incidents
Generalize my disease
I need a taste of what it's like
Living off the fat of kings
I play the scab at your hunger strike
Slow down Gandhi, you're killin'em

One love, one life, one too many victims
Republicrat, Democran, one party system
Media goes in a frenzy
They're stripped of their credentials
Presidential candidates can't debate over this instrumental
Let 'em freestyle, winner takes all
When the music’s dead I'll have Ted Nugent’s head hangin' on my wall
Kill one of ours, we'll kill one of yours
With some friendly fire, that’s a funny term, like civil war

Six in the morning, police at my crib
Now my nights consists of two toothpicks and eyelids
The crucifix and vitamins, music that is pirated
New flavor food made of mutated hybrids
Uh

They tell me that it's not that bad
And it fucks you up good, but its not that bad
They hold on to these tails till it's the dog that wags
God save us all if he lets the cat out the bag

Who's the one to blame for this strain in my vocal chords?
Who can pen a hateful threat but can't hold a sword?
It's the same who complain about the global war
But can't overthrow the local joker that they voted for

They call the shots
(but they're not in the line of fire)
I call the cops
(but they break in the line of duty)
Lets call a stop to the abuse of authority
The truth keeps callin' me, and I'ma live to tell the story

So what's the truth, quit seeking forgiveness
You need to cut the noose, but you don't believe in scissors
You support the troops by wearing yellow ribbons?
Just bring home our motherfuckin' brothers and sisters

Cause they don't call the shots
( but they're in the line of fire)
I'd like to call the cops
( but they break in the line of duty)

It's time to call a stop
To the abuse of authority
The truth keeps calling me
And I'ma live to tell the story

A quick recap of augusta

Left to go interview my grandpa in sioux falls
did about 4 hours or so of interviews, spent time with steve (my lil brother) had some good convo etc.
got back hung out with come cats saw gabs for the last time for a bit.
headed off to boulder with zach.
we spent a few days hanging out at petes new apartment, going out to bars and meeting his friends (most of whom we already knew from previous visits)

I've been really weird lately like depressed and anxious and sensitive and stuff and while I was there one night I felt a bit rejected, so I went off on my own, (very angsty) and I was just trying to learn and love the city, watch passerbys etc. It was kind of nice I got to feel independent for a while. And I wrote this really bad poem

"like birds to a window
boxed in by glass walls
glass ceiling
flocking to glass mirrors
glass slippers from fairytales
glass pendants to adorn
glass rings to treasure
glass eyes to hide their scorn
and glassy smiles for
glass personalities
and glass hearts
thus treated like fragments
when they break apart

hunters stand triumphant
crass phallucies in hand
crass perspectives plague their sheltered views
bragging in crass language
english teachers couldn't understand
crass treatment of their mothers, sisters, daughters and lovers
crass example of manhood
for their legacy
crass penance when we remember we share the planet
we share our land
unacceptable we box our partners
in those castles made of sand"

so anyway we met up later and everything was G but that may have been the first real weird thing where i felt really sensitive about stuff.

Anyway a few days later we found ourselves in missoula montana, where we met up with maritsa and aimee (whom i havent seen in quite a bit) anyway we were staying at maritsas' and i figured i should go find aimee and get as much time as i could get with her since zach was anxious to get out on the road.
I met aimee at a bar that she and her friends had been frequenting. She had just received a free t shirt (i believe) for completing a contest they do at the bar (more like a club the bar has) called "50 ways to love your liver" where you drink the 50 different kinds of beers on tap (different days) aimee introduced me to a boatload of cats who all seemed to have long hair and beards(the montana style trustafundian/trustafarian) She also exlained that the population of the town was like 7-15% minnesotans and demonstrated by tapping random cats (i assumed they had met before) and asking them what city they were from. lots of minnetonka wayzata etc.
aimee was rather intoxicated and gave me lots of info she probably doesnt want me to spread but i got a bit worried about her. the problem is she thinks shes havin a blast and who am i to tell her otherwise, so the next day i simply told her to take care of herself so that i could see her again sometime, and we departed after a breif tour of the campus.
zach and i realized some differences we have in how we invest our feelings and time in people, im not sure if he was irritated or impressed (it didnt matter) i needed to see my girl again.

Maritsa told us not to drive on the highway out to glacier at night and she said that each of the crosses was a person killed by drunkdriving. she also said they counted over 200 one night, and though i thought that was exaggeration the actual number of crosses must be very close of more, the thought of all those people who never got to say goodye to their families and friends and shit has been fucking with me ever since i saw the first cross (like i have been cryin over it)

:::as a side note maritsa also took us out to breakfast at a place in which at ten in the morning there were people drinking at the bar and playing slots all in the resturant above the bar were a number (20?) of rifles.


At glacier we spent a night at the base camp and the nex day hiked 6 miles mostly downhill to a campsite.
pete had gotten me a bit sick and so when at first i felt a little achy i thought nothing of it. we spent a night at the camp, didnt see many animals and the views so far were mostly of fields and mountains, (cool but not like amazing) the next day we did like almost 7 to a lake campground that was beautiful and i think that night we met some guys who let us mess around with their ngithvision goggles which was soooooo cooooool
they also had really friendly deer, as in they walk right up to ya for food, and zach got pissed at this.
we survived on pumped and filtered water, freezedried foods and granola bars.

my legs were killing me, and not like muscle but like joint pain, and it was kicking the shit out of me, te next day we had a vacation hike to an ever more gorgeous place and i barely made it it felt like.
so i decided that instead of doing the really hard climb on the last day i would hike back ou the 14 miles i came in and sleep in my car.
the day before that day i saw a black bar across the lake and zach decided to swim across a pool area of the lake (i remind you this is glacier run off water) and he spent the next hour shivering in his sleeping bag)

so the last day we parted ways (i'd been limping an shit just walking--still am)
so the hike for me was hell and it started raining the last 3-4 hours. it took us like an hour and a half to do like 5 miles (this is hiking with a 30-40 pack on your back in high altitude) and it took me like 4 hours to do the last 6 miles. literally limping watching horses walk by without shit on they backs.

that night i met this girl at a general store and she was in charge of operating the hotel next door they didnt have a room because of the rain and snow (no one wants to camp) and i told her i'd be sleeping in my car, she was from minnesota and was hella nice and offered me some old hotel blankets. the next day i had coffee at the diner across the street and talked to her all morning. she also worked there and i thought it was pretty sweet how she seemed to love everyone who walked in the door. (this was not a romantic thing-but i love cats) and she reminded me of the people from cesky krumlov following adventure to a small town and finding fairytale like excitement in every character of the place.
i wrote a poem about her that was even worse then the one above. and lost my appetite watching the news.

after seeing so much nautral beauty (and forgive me atheists, and agnostics) but seeing and feeling god working all around me, the news showed pictures of palestinians breaking into synagogues (spelling?) and i couldnt help but hurt for the victims on all sides.

I read animal farm, cats cradle, and bill mahrs(spelling?) new rules. im almost done with a clockwork orange which i also started on the trip.

anyway the day i got back, or rather the morning after i had a horrible nightmare and have felt insecure ever since (though rapidly improving)
the dream involved people i love changing. not needing or wanting me anymore etc.
i couldnt understand or accept anything, and felt more uncomfortable than i had in many years.

i talked to illy and becky about it and they helped a lot.

i said my goodbyes to illy just in case sort of... bu i intend to go back either this or next weekend.
i told my mom i was a pron addict the night before i left and she suggested i get on some low dose of something for anxiety and depression. and though i have strong feelings against that shit i told her i would.
im also looking into checking out some groups.

school:

as much as i was looking forward to coming back things have been kind of different.

me and tom are rooming together and that cool and all but im sure him and his lady could use some space and im missing my rock out time and my messy expressions of private anger fear pain and joy. so im looking into moving upstairs.

these cats is cool though many more guys than normal. and there are some ladies but im fucking weird right now.
we went and saw 40 yr ld virgin on sat and that was cool. i got my appetite back in some ways but it still leaves sometimes, im guessing im gonna gain weight rather than losing though...

school isnt all that exciting, but i think i got lots to look forward to im just putting up walls before it gets here and i need to climb some sort of tower so i can see ahead and unlock the fuckin gates etc.

im rushing now cuz im suppsoed to meet som cats for lunch t 12:00




new :
311 sage francis and mel gibson and the pants cds
i like em



peace and love i will talk more later

i will post for real soon, maybe later tonight, but for now so yall can be proud of my brother too

"Sun Newspapers - MNSUN.com - Ronglien gives young coaches a chance


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ronglien gives young coaches a chance



(Created: Wednesday, August 10, 2005 4:33 PM CDT)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tony Kelly, 15, gets set to make a one-on-one move during the Park
High boys basketball camp.

Campers listen intently as director Steve Ha--ar makes a point
during a break in the action.

By John Sherman\Sun Newspapers

When he was 19 years old and a recent graduate of Richfield High in
1979, Larry Ronglien got his first big break.

"Stu Starner [Richfield's varsity coach] asked me to run his summer
camp and also gave me the job as ninth-grade coach at Richfield West Junior
High," said Ronglien, who went on to enjoy success as head coach at
Mound-Westonka, Irondale, Edina and St. Louis Park high schools.

Ronglien is currently at Park, and following in the footsteps of his
mentor, Starner, he gave a young coach a chance to prove himself this summer.

"I turned our summer camps over to Steve Ha--ar, who graduated from
Park in 2004," Ronglien said.

The Oriole head coach couldn't help but notice the parallel between
his own career springboard and the one he gave Ha--ar.

Ha--ar played for Park and was never one of the stars. However,
Ronglien said he liked the blue-collar work ethic that the 6-foot-2 forward
brought to the game night in and night out.

"First of all, I'm thrilled that one of our former players wants to
coach in the program," Ronglien said. "We had about 85 kids in our summer camp
in grades three through nine. Based on e-mails I received, there was very
positive feedback on Steve's coaching. He also helped us a lot with open gym,
which freed Gary Peterson and me to concentrate on coaching our junior varsity
and varsity teams this summer."

Ronglien thought so much of Ha--ar's performance that he has named
him freshman coach for the coming high school season.

While Ha--ar was directing the summer camps, he had help from
counselors that included former Park players Angelo Davis, Jonathan Thompson and
Arsenio Richardson.

"I am very excited to have the guys who played for us return,"
Ronglien said. "They know about our summer camps and what the expectations are
because they went through our camps themselves."

Peterson, a longtime Park assistant coach, guided Ha--ar and his
ex-teammates through some of the planning stages of the camp.

"Coach Peterson was able to give Steve some helpful guidelines,"
Ronglien said.

Going back to his own experience as a young coach in Richfield,
Ronglien said that having the responsibility of running a summer camp launched
his coaching career.

"I am very grateful for the opportunity that Stu Starner gave me,"
he said. "I owe him a lot. One thing he told me before that first camp was that
we needed to develop shooters. That's the same thing I tell my coaches today.

"Coach Starner had faith in me and helped me when I was starting
out. I gained a lot, working with him for just one year. He left to become an
assistant coach to Jim Dutcher at the University of Minnesota, then he coached
at Montana State."

Ronglien said it probably isn't quite as easy to break into coaching
now, as it was for him back in 1979.

"It's a different planet now," he said. "A lot has changed in high
school sports. I think Steve [Ha--ar] will be successful. He's so straight
forward, so hard-working. With a young coach, I have to work with him and have
faith in him. And I definitely have faith in Steve."

hey guys im sorry, i come home from that 1.5 week treck and dont have internet access at home, so i probably wont broadcast till im back at school on wednesday

My bag so far weighs less than it did for my europe trip, and i suppose rightfully so since then it was meant to last for as long as i needed and here only a few days, still the food, tent, and water have yet to be added.

we are off to CO manana early hopefully and i have yet to clean out my cr or get an oil change and for some reason baker square wants me to call, but i might just stop by in the morning, fully prepared to pick up my check and perhaps drop off my uniform if they so desire.
a few days in CO visiting the newly single pete and we are off to the wilderness, with a stop to see aimee and maritsa, hopefully. dirty sweaty aching me will be complaining im sure and then just a few days home and im off to school again. "I put on my vest and I stick out my chest and I'm off to the races again." (newsies)

hmmm relaxing


its been a swell few days i seen many of the cats i meant to see, and missed mogan and hollie because i didnt know they was in town but its probably for the best cuz i was having a hard time finding the time as it was, but hopefully i will have a few more deep convos before i return to morris so i can have a smile on my face and know the world is beautiful.

I havent quite let the fact that i wont see some of these cats for months/years slip in and i think im afraid to but we shall see.


on a different note...

hopefully nothing bad will happen and im just being paranoid lately.

while in sioux falls, i was thinking bout that thing my uncle is doing, and wrote this on top of a drawing of a homeless man sleeping with a white flag extending from his backpack.

"We all worry,
causation
reacion
but where's the extension
that ensures the survival
of those subect to removal
becuase of our disapproval
of their possibly
chosen, living situation?"

seemed like a week

"and i cant tell you, how many ways that i've sat and viewed my life today, but i can tell you, i dont think that i can find an easier way, so if i see you walkin hand in hand in hand with a three armed man, i'll understand, but you should have been in my shoe yesterday" (blind melon)

I was out in sioux falls ("the sioux empire, siouxland, keloland") fucking rediculous advertising (the first two make me disgusted and the second is just too fucking in you face, not that any of you know what im talking about)

I got maybe a third, or half of the interviewing i wanted to talk to my gramps about, its not hard, more just hard to keep him on track and get him o talk about what you want him to. i had a list of topics not yet discussed when i left, which means im going back sometime, hopefully soon. we didnt get to many of the hard topics(though he claims he'spen to anything im sure hes avoiding certain subjects)

we went to visit my gramp's older brother in his nursing home thing. It was really hard for my grampa even though he talks and looks tough, I asked him on camera while we were there what he thought of the place, and he said "i wouldnt ever want to be here.." he contemplates the amount of pain/delusion his brother goes through and wonders if he is happy. With his younger brother already passed, his older brother soon, his wife gone for about 15-16 years, odds are my gramps is on his way. Its really important for me to get to know him and do these interviews.
and if he kicks on for another 20 years than we can keep the video updated.

my uncle has been fighting a few charities about moving their facilities to the neighborhood our family grocery store has been in for 56 years. Its a very complicated case, because its not that he is against the shelters and soup kitchens, but the people of his neighborhood are already working class, low income people, and the soup kitchens and shelters give the people who are homeless food and shelter, ((((sometimes even if they drunk))) which is the issue, because the drunken roaming folk have been causing trouble in the neighborhood, (going to the bathroom on lawns, sleeping in people's walk ins, etc) So my uncle is fighting city hall to get them to keep the facilities down town where the homeless guys arent in a neighborhood. (yes i know that this is one of those issues you can look at from many angles, and i think in may ways my uncle if he is going to push against this should be looking for alterntative to help the charities. but anyway) my uncle describes himself as liberal thinking and a registered republican, similar to my dad(and sometimes his wife)

we went out with another one of my uncle's while we were there and hes a great guy but hes a convervative bible thumping republican and I didnt openly say anything but i found at least one sentence he said to be pretty sad and silly.

"this sort of thing goes on all the time, i mean how do you think the people down by the border feel, they got guys coming through their backyeards stealing, killing people, you know, and im sure they are just as...." you get the point, so apparently every person who crosses a border is trying to steal from you and kill you.

anyway, me and steve had some good conversation on the way home, inbetween several stops to go to the bathroom. one of which the guy openly profiled me and we had a conversation about, mentioned that he wrote down my license plate anyway. i thought it was funny, because hes a gas station attendant so whoopy, but i aint taking that shit from people in authority. anyway...

I came home really loving the world and people in it and im glad you are around, and i wish i could be there to hang out and have your back more often.
I may not always be a good guy, but im trying and i hope you know i would be there if i knew how.

_____________________________

i should do something fun and rediculous right now like switch to being an science major or start wearing my pants backwards, maybe both but when people ask about it i will just pretend like its always been, and i mean been like (bean)

small world


I was over at Ben O's house in park, with gabs and some cats, and Ben's friend Tim showed up with this girl who was real small and looked young and all, and though she looked familiar i didn't really think anything of it, afterall lisa (ben's sis) had her friends over and whatever.
Later she is asking me my name and she goes i think i know your brothers, and she says they are younger than me, so im thinking, na that cant be right but maybe she knows steve, so yeah i ask, and it turns out this girl went to tanzania with my family back 2 years ago when my mom took a more "touristy" style trip. (they saw mad lions) anyway so we start talking and that was cool but way weird, thats about it. and i got mad cats in my heart tonight.. so yall take care and know im wondering bout ya

My apologies to anyone who started reading this regularly again. It has been a few days and will be a few more till you get some regular posts.

I finished my final with help from becky and got a 47/50 on it. its worth 40% of the grade which means i probably got an A
i ended work last week and am now free to do some summer projects.
one of which is typing up poetry and is the reason why i will be bringing my comp to sioux falls while i work on another --- interviewing my grandpa. I have been talking to my dad and my aunt and am excited to get started. After that i am home for a few days and i really dotn know how im gonna see everyone im supposed to see, it sucks but i got some cats who are leaving the country and its really important that i get to hang out with them a bit, even though both of em are in agreement that spending time apart (for us) doesnt change anything. which is comforting but its hard to think about not seeing them for a long time.

arpund the 8th-9th zach and I will set off to CO to fuck around with pete for a few days, hes apparently single now so those boys may try to get in trouble and i will have to be sober cab (which is fine with me, i just like to pretend that im complaining sometimes) anyway, that will be fun. then we will head up northwestish i think, to glacier national park i think and maybe stop to see aimee, whom i didnt have a chance to catch while she was in town.

then we drop pete, come back i get my room cleaned up and pack and head off to morris. to play tricks on freshpeople. i am supremely happy and everything is going my way so i have to assume some catastrophe soon.

thanks to becky and her family for this weekend, accomodations, support, car, help with homework etc. life is muy bueno. peace and love yall, peace and love

halfway through a stats final that is due at 6:00pm still got much work to do, sorry i have not posted, new tires on my ride, new brakes manana, then off to south dakota. then to infinity and beyond

and now for some john frusciante lyrics before i go to the last day of work and spend the night doing stats

anne you cant hide
you know we'll find you
its a matter where pride flys out the window
i never got the weight off the ground
i just forgot whats up and whats down
how many get the way i feel now?
theres no regret theres just the sense that
nothing is coming my way
theres so much that happened today
the god's of the city have called my name
it means more to them than it means to me
i've left my body i've left my fate
but it is so hard to keep away
now
nothing is final because
it seems all the while
there wasnt anything for me
i always faked my smile
so many careless angels responsibe for me
they give me disease
they give me a pain in my neck to feed off me
saying pay us the cost and we'll be gone
now they've shut my eyes and I cant see
now
these are the times i was scred of
these are the fates i've pushed out of the way
now they've have come back here to haunt me
its plain to see who the winner and loser will be

shitty day at work left me feeling tired and exhausted and beat, left me sleeping for 5 hours and not visiting illy at work, left me complaining to becky.
but on the plus side? left me with two days left of work at the BS. got two assignments and a final left in stats, got plans to make with my dad steve zach and pete. got people to see like, illy gabs, aimee, ashley, michael a, amy, sarah, and maybe you.
got cds and poetry to print for james and his road trip.
got sopme shit to buy, and if tom is serious about being roomies he better get on to calling his guy.
one more day of pottery hopefully everything will work out, still need to get paint. ya know, the summer is wrapping up and we still got time, but maybe not with me

Im takin geography class so i might as well start studying but for a guy who draws maps when he should be taking notes,
im doing only okay on this,
europe test lots of times it really just depends on what they give you to start,
out of 5 tries i averaged about 87% right,

to clarify the last stuff my last name is ha--ar an americanized variation of hajjar a very common arabic (especially lebanese syrian) last name, im not entirely sure but hajjar may come from "stone" or "stoneworker" which would technically be the same thing jesus was. also hagar is a woman in the early sections of the bible. my name michael is also biblical, michael is an archangel, there are two clearly obvious biblical characters named joesph in the bible as well (jesus's father, and joseph with the coat) both josephs in a senses were able to support and allow their people to thrive considering both were ridiculed and oppressed and different times. The reason i say all this is my family is lebanese, some lebanese people claim to be arab, others do not but they are all part of that magical family that brought about three of the world's largest religions. so i felt especially offended when i realized that the custom's agents who have stopped me very well could have recognized my last name as being tied to this area of the planet (the middle east) and profiled... my dad was recently also taken aside, though he was okay with it,(which bothers me) and it bothers me that many people all over the country with my same last name and other arabic names are not being given the respect and fair treatment theu deserve.

so i wanted to write a series of poems about these incidents that have happened to me, and this is the first one. its not perfect and i think i forgot a couple lines (i tend to write shit in my head and then try to remember it on paper)

but uh we shall see if these other ones actually get written
topics included my name (hajjar) one specific customs agent's lecture to me, sort of the topic in general of being held at an airport and some other stuff i dont remember

but this is the basis of them all

"Customs

Customs agents have stopped me at the border three times

Me thinks its not by coincidence,
So lets describe these incidents…

Coming home to America
I wanted to kiss the soil
Hug and hold my family
Even pledge to be loyal
So sure this was the place for me
Surrounded by my loves
The moment I grabbed my bag off the machine
The customs agents grabbed their gloves

At Canada’s crossing been there many times
These last few have been the worst
But not the foreign side,
No but the home base of course
The “lines” I crossed led us to be held
The car held three children of American mothers
And I the last
to show my pass
accomplices became the others.

He looks like a drug addict a smuggler
Clearly a terrorist undercover
A tired skinny dirty traitor
A flag burning homeland freedom hater

We don’t know that he’s not in disguise
And when we ask we don’t believe his lies
“Where did you train? What drugs have you sold?”
“what is this Arabic!!? in your passport folds?
We want your secrets now that your caught in our net
you ask about profiling, well we can give you this helpful pamphlet.

They know not what they’re searching for
Yet they demand a guilty plea
Soul searching and withholding my anger
I am finally allowed to go free

once at the airport, neighbor’s borders twice
To be identified and denied my rights by little mice
Rodents all whom are taking orders from the top man
Who’s signs away security with a stroke of his bloody hands
Across the nation he initials
G W B
And this elected federal official
Signs away my liberty"

I hung out with nova today after work. Its weird that I dont feel strange at all hanging out with my brothers ex girlfriend when we were all wondering "whens the wedding?" good though, because it means securely that we have been friends all along (not that i was questioning that, just...) i spent the night talking too much, realizing im talking too much feeling stupid and then proceeding to do it again. (i have a bad habit of this, when i die it will say "he talked too much when he meant to listen, he liked listening still he talked, he talked too much and never got to the point and never expressed all of what he meant to say and thus kept talking when really he wanted to listen... what a tragic sillyness"

anyway robin s was there which was great cuz i have hung out with her (with nova) a few times and always feel very comfortable. plus she gets to update me on jessica which makes me worry but... anyway. we talked about traveling because she spent a semester in barcelona and loved it in that way that only people who have traveled can understand, she has a fondness for the place. i think i have lost that in many ways.

we were at this place called Nye's bar (i think) i felt weird cuz neither me nor nova got drinks. but they had an awesome band with three drummers (all different types) a alto sax i think a upright electric bassist and a electric guitarist and they played reggae and funk and jazz and a beautiful jamming mix and the singer played drums while he did it which me and nova thought was awesome but couldn figure out how you could keep the two very different parts going t the same time but he did it...

so it was really good night, except i talked too much of course.
nova is gonna go to israel.

many of my friends will be leaving for long periods of time, and im about to take a road trip during the month that will be the last time i am able to see them for awhile. its an aweful feeling yet we all sort of know its okay...

i posted that last one (satans bed) because for some reason im having a particularly hard time resisting temptation. something im working on, but apparently not putting enough effort into.

The problem is its tied to so many of my excited and happy feelings, sad i know, and yet what do you do to replace it? I mean i sit here and think about stuff and the thought of that temptation is a new dagger of excitement everytime and yet tied to so many thoughts and feelings and commitments that are so against it. The temptation justifies it's self in many ways, ways i have long been convinced by, even lived by to an extent, and this new path is uncertain, im not doing it for anyone but myself because there is no guarantee of any reward from the other, yet my day to day thoughts are pushed back by convincing myself that they will be proud and thus happy, and thus loving, and supportive to a greater extent, and that cycle replays itself and ties back into the temptation in the first place.

so how to break the bonds of this temptation cycle?
i sit, contemplate, distract, feel sad- wonder if that sadness is in direct correlation maybe too the reason i can't think right now, the reason i cant sleep etc. judge, respond-- response so far has been good... but relief? no...

i wish i could use this to some better purpose but i feel drained instead, i feel less alive, less happy. and when im there I cant get enough of her, as if im trying to fill some void in my self through the use of my reaching hands and even further reaching imagination.

and find the occasional pearl jam quote to fill this need to express it all...
"immortality"
vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

PEARL JAM - Satan's Bed Lyrics (off vitalogy possibly the best of their cds?)


it's not all been said...been said and done...
i've never slept in satan's bed
although i must admit...still visits my place
uninvited, as you know, he don't wait
funny how he always seems to fit in
funny how i always want to give in
sundays, fridays, tuesdays, thursday, the same
sometimes the special guest, he don't like to leave
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
who made, who made up, made up the myth
that we were born to be covered in bliss?
who set the standard, born to be rich?
such fine examples, skinny little bitch
model, role model, roll some models in blood
get some flesh to stick, so they look like us
i shit and i stink, i'm real, join the club
i'd stop and talk, but i'm already in love
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
in love...ah ha ha ha...
ah torture...follows reward...
follows torture...follows reward...
oh, oh my butt...
never shook satan's hand, look see for yourself
you'd know it if i had, that shit don't come off
i'll rise and fall, let me take credit for both
jump off a cliff, don't need your help so back off
i'll never suck satan's dick...
again, you'd see it, you know, right round the lips
i'll wait for an angel, but i won't hold my breath
'magine they're busy, think i'm doing okay...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...