I wonder how many words I will use to describe us,
How many battlefields created and on display,
How many body parts torn asunder,
How many emotions spilt to waste away

Yet are we not entangled still
With your word, my mood can change as well
With your smile my stomach stills
With your hug my day is brightened

They still describe us,
Us as in inseparable, though separate we’ve been
They still note our calm demeanor
And awe at each comforted gesture

And don’t the phone calls mimic their words?
Aren’t we better off in concert
Though with claws we sometimes grasp
Do we not still hold each others hearts together?

Hard to get back to sleep. Also really hungry.
My head is swirling with thoughts and conversations.
I really enjoy that sometimes, but because I don't want to actually be awake it is annoying. I wish it were like that this afternoon when I was wide awake and bored.
Nights like this prove to me that I really am a night person trapped in a day persons world.

I want some french silk pie... but no one is awake and that would take a lot of effort.

That song below is really fucking beautiful. I know its about something mythical and all, but there is something so human and touching about it too... despite the sad outcome its like aren't we all looking for that comfort (even sometimes blind to the destruction it may or may not cause)

Had some good conversations today and some good dreams too.

Song to the Siren (tim buckley)

Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle

And you sang sail to me, sail to me
Let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you

Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks

For you sing, touch me not
Touch me not, come back tomorrow
Oh my heart, oh my heart
Shies from the sorrow

I am as puzzled as the newborn child
I am as troubled as the tide
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or should I lie with death, my bride?

Hear me sing, swim to me
Swim to me, let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you

When Death Becomes us

I just watched this (the Last Lecture), it was recommended to me by my step grandparents and though I don't specifically find any of the advice to be mind shattering, it does have me thinking.

I like some of the advice. I wonder what advice I have.

I recently read a book called The Speaker for the Dead, a science fiction novel in which people act as speakers for a dead person, not telling their life story, but their purpose. Telling the grieving or the audience what the person's motivations were... holding nothing back and at times being cruelly honest. I like the idea. I wish there was a way we could do that, both for the dead and the living.
Of course its harder with the living, not so final... but with the dead I like the idea of a legacy that fits, rather than a legacy that comforts, and yet, when thinking of the Last Lecture, what would I say if I could have one last lecture? I would try to comfort, give hope, be honest, but not dwell on misery and pain, nor guilt and suffering though I have caused these things... I would hope that people could learn something positive.

The work that we do

Well its been about 11 days without a post. I am pretty sure it was a week or two before that series too. So I guess I owe ya one.

Whats up?

Good question, hmm... well, last week we returned to school. Summer school lasts for 1 month. 4 days a week of the same classes and then 1 day of independent work and projects. Thursdays we tend to go on a 1 hour field trip. Classes are supposed to be fun and interesting... I am teaching about the future, so far we have talked about 2012, Revelations/Judgment Day and zombie apocalypse. Next week we will look at other gloomy subjects like overpopulation, nuclear war, global pandemics, drought, etc. After that we may look at some demographic data, watch a video on what happens when humans are gone, and start to talk about future technology.
The class is going well I guess, but a lot of the students like to talk out of turn... so I will have to crack down on that a bit. Otherwise school is going well. I get out early and in general its pretty fun and non challenging. My homeroom has chosen to read POE and it made me realize that it takes work to deconstruct and analyze something if you havent read it before... the kids barely understand the language so I have to translate it... then help them with their analysis.

I have some students who wanted to jazz up the school website. So far they have adjusted the colors and updated it slightly... I guess in a few weeks we will add pictures, (video?) some student work and a few more pages to help bring us into the 20th century.
You can look up the school it is at lnas.org


What else...

Well generally when I am not writing it means I am complaining enough to other people. I have seen probably 15 different friends in the last few weeks... not all by seeking them out, but seems like a lot considering I haven't changed up my patterns too much.
Most days though, I get a smoothie from jamba juice and retreat to my room. Lately I have been watching The Wire, but I am only on season two, so don't tell me anything.

May or may not finish the book on faith that I was reading, also half reading a book on hip hop/urban/philanthropy etc... and just started a book on white provilege.

I wish I could say I had some great thoughts for ya... but doesn't seem to be the case.
Saw Away We Go and fuckin loved it.

Went to the Bryant Lake Bowl Pride block party last night, good times. Hung out with Hallie, and later in the middle of the night Jessica...


Most my days revolve around work and checking for updates on craigslist.

its been too long... I don't even know what I am doing... I don't know what to look for.... how to act... I don't remember the old stuff and I don't know how to make any new stuff happen.

meh

I have been on break for a few days now. I am totally bored because no one else is on break. My days are consisting of staying up too late and waking up too late but then having nothing to do all day so I wish I could go back to sleep. Also there is construction outside my windows so it makes it hard to sleep.

Do you know what boys do when they are bored? Nothing but trouble.
I haven't really done anything bad... just too much craigslist and stuff
But I am worried I am going to do something worse.

You ever do something you know was wrong and do it anyway?
Most of my life I have felt guilty over actions like that... but I also feel like maybe I am becoming a more mature better person or something. I try to separate these parts of my life, the old (childhood?) and the new (maturity)... but then I get all tempted to do random things, which of course I want to keep secret.
and maybe they aren't wrong, or bad, but maybe they are not good either. Maybe just cuz no one is hurt doesnt make it right... you know?
Someone recently told me that is a Capricorn trait, to have separate lives. I guess we all have public and private lives, but I feel like mine are even more extreme.
A public life, a professional life and a private life.
a human split into three,
the "person" the "drone" and the "animal."

The concept behind many of the things we teach at school seems to be "what would you wish to happen." not what actually happens, or what seems possible, but what would you wish (in your most positive moment).
So its not about selfish desires, but connecting with people, as equals, secure and positive...
but do we act that way or is just a dream?

not really worth reading

So I am super bored. Today was officially my first day of break and its mind numbingly boring. I spent half my day on craigslist, facebook and myspace doing absolutely nothing.

I tried to paint a little, but everything seems flat and boring. I am pretty sure I should either be at a coffee shop or watching a movie or reading a book, but instead I am typing this for no reason.

I have been writing and half singing random rhymes and songs but nothing worth writing down.

Recently I saw some homies. Made myself awkward in a few situations.

I went to a corner store and got ten bucks worth of candy and pop.

I did some research for future classes.

I did some research on teaching abroad.

I did some research on the situation in Iran right now.

I did some research on some musicians I like.

I guess tomorrow we are going to have a mini “we are there for you” type gathering for my step sister who’s jaw is wired shut. Shakes or smoothies or something.

I am supposed to call my grandma. I am supposed to go to Leech Lake to visit with my fam.

I am supposed to get my car fixed over the break.

I have plans for Wednesday and Thursday afternoon. Maybe see pleasure pause on Friday night.

Its these times when I wish I were in a relationship, just to pass the time.

I also feel like trimming things back. Facebook friends I never talk to, people in my phone book, e mails I have been saving for no reason. Clutter... its all clutter. If I were less lazy I would clean my room and the bathroom.

Divine Intervention

The other day in my haste
and ecstasy, I proclaimed in my car
or rather thought loudly
That such potential was overwhelming
excited, I listed the hypothetical
possibilities, a list that seemed
to grow with time
and that time, pushed
out the thought in the back of
my mind, the one that said the
list of your humility and desire
to help ought to be longer.
and for this I was dealt, a
death blow, or so it seemed
the morning after found me
on my knees (in front of a toilet)
leaving me with nothing grand to ponder or praise
and nothing (except regret) in my stomach

Totally bored and its 10:20 in the PM
Oh the things I would do if I were a more careless man,
bare-chested man walks by across the street,
that’s the least of the adventures I could complete
Would bomb beats, and play rhythm on the guitar
Fit bar goers dressed in their priceless wave down taxi’s on the corner
Re-borners praising Jesus and calling out your sins
Board fins, wind surfers on the moonlit lake
Soon it shakes from your bored brain down to your toes
Roar foes at my ferocity, like the cats on my bed
I said, it’s time to go to bed.

What the deal

Its been really nice reconnecting with my peoples this week. The other day I had two wonderful phone conversations and was up till 2-3 in the morning. But I wonder where I am meant to put my energy these days.

It seems interesting timing, perhaps saving me from myself that all these friends are suddenly available. But at the same time, arent I supposed to be out seeking new relationships?

School is rapidly and chaotically winding down. I will Next week we are starting the finals time... and in many ways thats when I feel most connected to the students... feel like we did something good.

In the meantime though... Couple more days of classes... lots of things up in the air.

and so it begins

One of my best friends is getting married in like a week. She just got engaged but it makes sense for their situation. By just got engaged I mean Sunday.
I saw the pictures on facebook and texted her. She has lived in Canada for a long time so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would if she lived here, but still, when I think about people I care about she's right up at the top still.
I am really happy for her, everything seems to be coming together in a great way and she deserves it. (((this might sound mean, but I have always seen her as someone who really does deserve her happiness and I don't know why she gets elevated to some more important class, but fuck it, thats my bias))) So I am happy....
but I got really anxious waiting to hear from her.

Its like the world makes its move sometimes and you don't really get an obvious signal, but all of a sudden things are different, and you are playing by new rules, and you aren't necessarily sure what they are, and thats scary, but different can be good, different can be exciting, different can be happiness.

I gotta say too, its weird. I use the words love so casually sometimes, but moments like this make me realize how much I mean it... and maybe this is the good situation (unlike say... freaking out from a nightmare or something) but one of my loves, my genuine real loves is going to be married. Just because she was never my girlfriend doesn't mean its not weird. How many hours can you spend talking and thinking about a person, their goals, thoughts, dreams etc... before you realize their life does matter to you... and not in some intellectualized way, but in the way where their existence is intertwined with yours on whatever level... but forever... I feel like the words we use in english don't make sense, I'd say I feel "threatened"- but I don't, I feel "loss" but thats not quite it either. Its certainly an awareness of something...
but either way, even if its through wet eyes or a tight stomach, you genuinely smile because they are happy. You trust them. You extend your faith to those they love and make room for them in your heart.
the expansion of the heart... maybe thats what this feeling is.

Sick of thinking in monotone, single file lines

There are those days or moments rather when you want to write something truthful, impressive, worldly, perhaps uninhibited. Whether it is a bold statement of theory or just a restatement of old truths, it doesn’t matter. A well worded opinion, a creative gesture drawn out, a reflection, anything that might cause the reader to think for just a second to share in that moment something real –a learning experience. Good conversations are like this, but I haven’t been having those lately. Good classes are taught like this, but I haven’t been teaching those lately.
The whole thing is held up by this need for originality or creativity or something insightful you know? It’s tough to hinge the moment on such a fleeting concept, when will the muse land?
Still, there are those moments when the desire is great, so you find yourself writing, just to write really…
I can’t decide why all of a sudden it hits me right now. Maybe the conversation about politics and teaching at the coffee shop. Natural elements like tested friendship versus relationships yet to meet their critical moments. Maybe just the caffeine, a drug to knock through the haze that has been my forever (it seems).
But for just a few minutes it’s nice to be able to process more than one thought. It’s nice to be able to intellectualize into the gray, and maybe throw in some emotions, maybe throw in a dream, maybe throw in some devil’s advocate just to mix the situation up again, all just a reminder that you are not as slow as you seem lately. Just in time, I was beginning to lose hope, I thought maybe I am done being a teacher. Maybe I am done with this whole learning thing. Maybe my body is losing and taking my mind down with it. Maybe this is a dying breath, a last hurrah, but I hope the haze falls away permanently soon. Subdued everything is so mundane.

Mostly I find this outfit suitable

I wonder if I could count down the number of sneezes
till this cold is gone. And if its allergies, till this body is.

My nose winces
the smell of metals and chemical burns
expired medicine lathered on my skin.

I read a book today
That told me to go find a mentor
Go find a community, go live my learning
I haven’t found my way past the door yet

My finger tips remember the orange they peeled
My front teeth remember the first bite
My mind recalls the shock
My eyes envision a thousand
More, dry oranges?

I’m waiting for your car to arrive,
2 hours and counting, but right now I’ll bet its sitting in your drive way
Warming in the sun, I wonder if it gets bored with the scenery,
If it notices the changing petals,
if it pants in an exhausted way
All the exhaust away

Kilgore Trout

We have a new cat. I would show you a picture, but I don't have any.
I don't really have much to report right now.
I have a cold.
I realized that because of my busy schedule lately, I have/had like 6 people to see this weekend. I think I am going to be able to fit them all in, which is awesome.
There is a possibility I will go to North Carolina and possibly some other southern destinations this summer.
I am worried one of the cats is going to go to the bathroom on or underneath my bed.
We will soon have a new roommate too.

Things seem to be going well I guess.
I have no t shirts left so I must do laundry very very soon.
I should also do some homework.

I am also thinking of maybe trying to take a class sometime.
No idea if that will happen.

Sunshine and angels.

Land Use On Earth

In all the stories and fairy tales they never mention the impact on the body when star crossed lovers collide. Longing and distance bring distaste and aches, but each caress is supposed to be like coming home,
and the fleeting moments send shivers down the spine,
and the anticipation brings butterflies which flutter like fairies,
whimsically dancing.

Not knots, not panic, not the dizziness of being at sea in a storm,
not the thought disruption of that truly awful seas sickness.
and it leaves me wondering
shouldn't one have to forsake the land to feel this

If I had met you in India I could have blamed it on the food, the weather, the water, the heat, the mosquitoes which carry that queasiness to land from the sea, and make the noblest and strongest of men plead for casual caress.
Comfort my needs.

Though my stomach is weak, I've rarely experienced such upset.
Makes me wonder if we are truly meant,
or if my stomach is telling my heart and mind to repent.
Let the tides be the judge.

I woke up from an unfulfilling nap

The cat is pissing me off. She has been fed and given attention. Yet she is still whining. I wish I could shake her and tell her there is nothing else I can do.

Nothing seems appealing right now. I give up on writing.