A Risky Game (You Can Do It!)

Jared and Sociologist Sarah

Jenna before she was possessed

Jenna possessed (and/or just really hot)

Had a really good time with some cats last night. Quick and easy, not a whole lot of trouble or worries, and met some nice folks.  It was a bit hot at Mabbot's and the likelihood of me moving into that building dropped dramatically -but it would be nice to be in a building full of people you know. 

The best part was the few on the fly songs -which I got on video but they won't upload. 

Nice to see some old friends again. 

3 thoughts for the day

Hello Mike

Here is a part of your daily horoscope for the Sat, 16 Jul 2011 :

Your morale of the day

You could be worried about small things but instead you had better stop trying to solve things that are not that important. For now forget those trivial concerns. It is important to do so to remain in good spirits. That kind of thoughts would wear you out.

Fate or God or Life or whatever you want to call it,

will give you the experiences

its your job to make them positive.  

"If someone calls you and wakes you up to ask for help, you get out of bed."  

~my Dad

***************************************************************************

I just spend the last three hours pulling a friend of the family's pictures from soaked albums, trying to salvage them before they are stuck, colorless and warped.  Flooding is one of those things that reminds you that you have too much stuff, and also that the bottom of the bookshelf in the basement is the worst place for pictures.

Its the first night of my break, meaning I got off work at like 2:00 today and chilled with my coworkers for a bit before we ran away still planning-shouting things from car to car.

I came home, I checked my email and fell asleep. I woke up to Lacey texting that tonight wouldn't work, something I had assumed at that point, but my mind worries because of the nightmare I had last night.

Its the first night of my break and I can already feel my self confidence disintegrating.

I have tasks to complete but they seem small when faced with the vast amount of space in my calendar. Things already don't have the same happy edge.

As is often the case, my mind races to these moments of drama, the self created all in your head no one else is paying attention kind of drama. My eyes seek texas plates and there is something about being denied that drives me crazy. Makes me angry, bitter, self conscious and a little too contemplative, but I don't even know what I am looking for, these day dreams are not helpful, they promise a kind of edgy excitement that doesn't last, except in my misguided head... and flip a coin whether I want a call or not. But I can't keep my mind from wandering to that direction. That's the kind of unhealthy shit that keeps me in my head and not in relationships.

So what about excitement? Well, I could go to the progressive dinner tomorrow, perchance to have a decent time (probably not) and on the flip coin chance that a crush is there.

I could go on a road trip, but I don't know where to, and who is available (probably not anyone).

Tasks,

I got the possibility of some interviews next week with americorps cats we'd need to mold to do some bullshit. I got some email conversations to decide who and how we will make a math teacher out of our prospects. I got the idea of organizing and cleaning the treehouse (one of the offices at work) my folders and books all out of order... will be again by a month into next year. I got the desire to redesign or give some context to Men's class, often neglected till the last minute, could use a partner to do so. School officially starts back up the 22, which is what 5 weeks?

I got leadership training from the 24-30th or something. I am somewhat excited and somewhat unsure why I am doing this now.

and that's really it... I guess. Lots of space... I know I wanna read a lot, and it'd be nice to get confident with some art again, or do some writing. I spose I could try to learn a language or get in shape. I could play some music, record a poem or perform somewhere. I could play some comp games, organize some settlers, or pick up a new hobby.

I could go get some coffee right now or see if the smoothie place is still open.

Listening to a lot of these guys since the show the other night. Very upbeat, makes me wish I was creative.

Toussaint Morrison   and Lazlo Supreme   
they used to be known as The Blend

Toussaint has always been good about getting the products out, they were offering free demos at the show. Its mostly him and some really nice beats, where as the stuff on their myspace is clearly more of the band playing (as was the show).

They have some nice videos too

Hi Missouri?  how you doin?

like I wanted to spill that watercolor on the page and create rainbows that transformed and surrounded the homeless guy sitting in the corner, two days in a row I've seen him and its a stretch to assume hes without a home, but hes been wearing the same clothes and a cup of joe without anything to do sitting sadly with those soft eyes, reminds me of the time I met a man afraid of being taken back by Americans

like I want to sing about the stresses, self pitied attempts to erase the ego and the girl I been chasing, a little less stalking a little less sadness and in a week or two I'll probably ditch it for some madness, perfectly aware that its a trap of my creation, self deluded attempts of dreaming heaven's my earthly station, ignoring the reality, you gotta work for what you want, and in my own defense i've never worked for what I got

like I wanted to hug and hold, it's not enough to have her want you make her jealous with the cold shoulder move on to the next and maybe flaunt too, sadistic, because it hurts them, masochistic cuz it reverts then, back to where it started all alone and undiscovered, this is the type of shit I bring right back to my mother

like prayers to Shiva to bring down all the walls, make me recognize what is real and ditch all the unnecessary cause, like prayers to Buddha to realize that all living is pain and not be less than satisfied believing I am  not the same, like prayers to Allah, submission to his will, and in my devoted self find a way to ego kill, like praise to God, for getting me through the mess because all enemies are vanquished and so far I've survived the tests, and thank the universe, I'd like to go with the flow a Taoist at my center if I could listen to what my heart knows

like I could chance the fates and gamble on a random smiling flowing hair, but instead I shoulder each weight the seen and ones that aren't there, and mostly I settle, realize, that I've got to tone it down, before the cops and docs arrive to take me to the loony town, prison is where my namesake found his higher calling, and a book is where I'm off to escape before I'm on my knees and crawling right back to where dirty excitements found but not true satisfaction, when you're in black please judge me by the motives bound to my full spectrum of action and inaction

Astronautalis show at the Guthrie

Kt and her homies

Morgan, Illy and Julien

Your Minneapolis as the sun sets

Mike's Neck and Illy

Morgan in the shadows

conversations come together in my head

One of the reasons I often go to sleep with hypnosis videos is because if I don't I think too much.

Hypothetical in my head.
Person A says to Person B, why wouldn't you date me?
Person B says because it would hurt Person C,
Person A says, you would keep yourself from being happy because you didn't want to hurt them?
Person B replies, how could I be happy hurting them?

But that's not exactly true is it... because its the remorse that kills the feeling.The remorse that comes later.

When was the last time you did something THAT BAD?

10 years ago...  

That's a long time to still be worried about it.

I worry about it every day.

Doesn't everyone do bad things at some point?  Whats the difference? Why do you deserve to feel so bad about it? 

Do you think I have a choice?

  

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a member of SoT who is sort of acting as a sponsor for me -for leadership training.  I am going to a leadership workshop at the end of July, and at the workshop you discuss issues of Power, What it is, why you need it, what you will do with it, why you deserve it. 

As part of the prep, its important to start thinking about this, and thinking about the excuses we use to not step up.   So I was having some back and forth with the guy, who at this point knows some of my central issues surrounding it all. It felt very much like a counseling session with my mom, only she was there for most of my childhood hurt. Anyway, we were talking about my self consciousness around hurting people, or worrying about hurting people, worrying about hurt people, worrying about accidentally misusing power, or misusing power on purpose.  I am very cynical about power. I fear it in many cases, though I have always been willing to play back up roles, advisory roles, nurturing roles...   

Anyway, I used an example that my Mother and I have talked about of a time when someone I cared about misused their power...

My Dad and I were supposed to go to the renaissance fair (my favorite event of the year) it was our last opportunity of the season, we had a date and time picked out. I was ready, I was waiting in the basement of the apartment near Aquila. He didn't show. Hours later, he called and said we couldn't go. He stopped by later to apologize in person but the damage had already been done.... my mom describes me curled up and inconsolable. She says its what I look like when I am hurt now.
"Where were you?"   was a question that came out of my mouth far too often as a child during this time period. More than that it replayed in my head on loop, along with more awful things.  The only answer that made sense and felt like a kick to the stomach every time was that he was with his girlfriend (now my step mother).
My Dad had an affair that ended up ripping apart my family, despite best intentions there was something there that struck me as the worst thing you could do... The worst thing you could do was allow your personal gain, personal excitement, personal lust to impede, to distract, to hurt, to destroy another person... and he did it to all of us.Over and over again.   I'm sure it wasn't lust all the time, his own emotional humanity, guilt and needs... but it all became more important than us, like a stab to the heart every time.
I was a really strong boy. I took all sorts of abuse from bullies and my brothers, and my friends, my cousins, my neighbors... I just took it all, sometimes trying to fight back, sometimes trying to find some way to appease them. Sometimes trying to fit in, sometimes trying to stand out and pretend it didn't hurt.

I was so strong, and so broken.

None of that ever seemed to compare to the neglect and abandonment that I felt (if only in feeling) from my Dad.Yet I always wanted to prove that I could make it through, that I could compromise because that's what good people do. They see the other person and allow for mistakes, and work with them to make it better right?
My counselor once asked me why I went to their wedding... as if I had a choice... Your brothers didn't go he said trying to make it seem like an option, and I thought yeah they didn't go which meant I had to, duh.
And I wrote a poem a month later about what that felt like, about how it felt like my execution, like it meant like the final sacrifice of who I was, for his happiness... and he made it. And I chose to be there because I thought it was important to not put your own selfish desires ahead of the people you care about. I was still a kid, and I felt like I had to show my family how to support each other. How you don't abandon, you don't hate, you make every effort to forgive, and even more than that  you don't hurt them more... even if they hurt you. I didn't want to my hurt my dad by not showing up for something he cared about, because I loved him, even if he killed me.

I was too strong, or maybe too broken already.

Its hard, because I feel like I have forgiven him for his misdeeds. But I don't know that I can ever unlearn that lesson, You don't put your selfish desires before the people you care about... and thus, I don't know that I can ever forgive myself for all the times I have let my lust, my desires, my selfishness, my anger hurt others.

How can I have children if I am so afraid to hurt them and so sure that I will?
How can I be a leader if I am so afraid I will misuse that power, and so sure that I will?
How can I be a boyfriend? a husband? sometimes I wonder how I manage to teach...

I am so afraid of myself, and so sure that I am not good, because my standard of "good" is so impossible.

But I don't know how to change that standard, because it would mean changing the meaning of those experiences... it would mean, trusting myself enough to have the ability to commit misdeeds.

My mom talks about how we have to grow up, let go of our child's way of seeing thing, especially the hard things.

I just don't know how to make any other sense of that pain, even now I still feel my stomach caving in.

and having a giant hole in you, makes you so glad, so grateful that people even bother to put up with you. It makes you so willing to strive for good things, it makes you put in every effort, it makes you want the best for everyone, it makes you stay awake at night having conversations with them and praying for them... it makes the world seem like a gift...  even if you don't feel like you deserve it.

Things were not assured until I held her.
Then all of a sudden a rush of confidence, that felt like the world uniting, all in her touch.
I don't remember being afraid anymore, each thought, memory, relationship was all the more reason to love her.
I wanted to explore them with her. For as long as I had her, I had enough. I had won.
We started watching the tv screen, me wrapped around her. Each video was of the life I had missed before our unification. She explained the circumstances, the feelings, the loss, the joy and I felt them through her.
Suddenly as often is the case the dream moved forward in time, and we were no longer alone. These friends of hers, once distant now became a mass of chaos around us.
Our place suddenly overwhelmed with a loud and raging party, spilled beer, bumping and laughter. I was distracted  but just wanted to keep contact with her. If I kept contact things would be alright, that was my only thought.
Then suddenly the party grew again, her friends were offering my students drinks, and I felt powerless to stop them, just hold on, but she needed to attend to her friends, to the party, to keep them from destroying everything, to keep them happy. She got up and my loneliness returned, my insecurity my worries.  She returned again, excitement, joy, she left, ugliness, returned heaven, left despair, and it went on this way, each time she returned it was for less and less time. 

Till suddenly surrounded by others I was alone again.

Here is a part of your daily horoscope for the Tue, 5 Jul 2011 :

Your chances of the day

You wonder why you are not meeting anyone interesting right now. You will have the good luck to meet somebody you have not seen in a long time. You will become friends if you make the first move.

Who is this stranger and what kind of dance moves do I need to practice? 

My work blog gets hella action.  Like 150 times as much as these sites.
I am bored...
I have been reading A Game of Thrones which is fun.
I have no real plan for tomorrow, but I am not worried.
No real plan for tonight, but if nothing happens then at least I have more time to read and work am I right?

Too many Swedish Fish

Went and saw the Green Lantern tonight,  um  entertaining... but I guess a little more cheesy than I was expecting... but maybe that is just the actual story (I never got into DC comics).

Spent some time updating the travel Blog, almost through the York Trip.  I still haven't written anything about last summer.  So much to do...

Today was a pretty good day. Jared and some americorps cats had my students make a raised bed for our sister preschool... hopefully get some soil and plant it next week. Other "Project Friday" projects included some artistic chairs and paintings, some good old fashioned reading, bike maintenance and a jam session for anyone who wanted in. I played tambourine for a minute in-between grading.
Speaking of grading we have about a third of our students who are not putting in any effort. In the first two weeks they have less than half the hours they could earn. We even have several cases of students who have 2-3 days worth of credit for the full 2 weeks. Students must make half their credit hours to return in the fall, unfortunately what this will mean is that we have a really small starting class again... we are being punished for last years low numbers with a tight budget this year. So yea!


I don't really have plans for the long weekend... I spose I could start reading for fun, or play some comp games... or prepare for next week, or do some writing, or leave town, or stay up late listening to other people's fireworks.

I am totally in a pity mood again... so silly.
wow someone is totally speaking my language on craigslist... I have never seen that before.

Myspace should make it easier to share playlists

http://www.myspace.com/tchkung/music/playlists/my-playlist-35343


...and then he goes and buys three cds. 

No idea what to do for class tomorrow... not that I have really sat down to plan.

Its midnight and I am thinking about cracking open some coca cola, listening to Welcome to Jamrock (the cd, though the following video is the song the cd is named after)

Checking out people's blogs and facebook stalking. I find it funny that both Meagan K(kah)  and French Girl are now models. Fitting, they both look like adults now though, less cute and smiley.

Missing people, wishin for a fix, it'd be nice to play some settlers with Pete, it'd be nice to travel to Asia and do some adventurin, check in with all the cats I know over there and have them show me their world before they finish their teaching. 

One beautiful thing about learning is that it makes the biases (you have held without realizing it) visible and then allows them to pass away.  I was thinking about how much more I appreciate Latino Culture and thus latinos just because of learning more about the history, this happened when I was going through pictures of people I grew up with but never associated with (not intentionally necessarily, just didn't happen). It makes me want to read more about everywhere. 

What to do when you are bored and procrastinating... 

crying cat in the next room...
What did you steal from memebase today?

View of downtown

Did I already post this?

I will miss these cats

More sprinkles please

Oh the things we concern ourselves with...
I was trying to find a good picture for okcupid. The first year I was on there I had like 10 pictures that I thought did a good job of sharing my personality including extremes... you know so there weren't any surprises. In that year I had like 3 people message me...
So in a moment of "well lets try something new" I decided that I would go minimalist. I chose one picture that I figured looks more or less like me, and took a bunch of shit off my profile.
I have had about 3 people message me since.

I don't know why this is important to me in any way... I go on there every day for 5 minutes make 15 snap judgments and conclude there is no one I am looking for on there, or at least that okcupid would not be the way to meet them if they were. I often try to imagine myself on a first date and laugh at how insecure and anxious I would be. I am 99% sure I wouldn't ever agree to one.

When I told my Therapist that for the most part I felt like I had worked through the issue I had gone to counseling for, but still didn't feel good- he said "Well then you have self esteem issues" I asked what to do about that, he said that's why a lot of people go to counseling and the next few weeks we spent talking about online dating and trying to be outgoing. Then I stopped going to counseling.

When I cut my hair a year ago Becky got mad at me...  I remember feeling really trapped by that reaction, as if I could never change, as if she didn't trust that I wouldn't ever be normal, as if I was stuck to her image of me... but it was also really relieving since everyone else's reaction was that "I looked good with short hair."  Even the guy at the chinese restaurant I frequent told me I looked better with short hair. But I don't want short hair... I mean I got used to it, but I want weird locks and braids and bow ties and color, and want it to stand out sometimes, and other times I want to pull it back and forget about it but feel the weight of it.

The nice part of Becky's comment was that she was saying she liked me for me and didn't want me to conform to society. 

I think that has been the case with every person I have liked and every person who has liked me. I don't think I tricked them into it, I didn't post specific pictures or words to entice... they got to know me and didn't reject me right away.  That's part of why it  feels so good... Without daily life activities to relate to (School/college) I don't know how to do that in this society.

So Funny

Why Batman Is Secretly Terrible for Gotham -- powered by Cracked.com

Sometimes I like the lines of my own poetry

I’m waiting for your car to arrive,

2 hours and counting, but right now I’ll bet its sitting in your driveway

Warming in the sun, I wonder if it gets bored with the scenery,

If it notices the changing petals,

if it pants in an exhausted way

All the exhaust away

-From "Concerted Concerns"

There is a river or harbor

perhaps you ferried across one day as a child with your

father, perhaps your strolled along

the banks as a teen with your friends, each daring another

to do dumb exciting things, dangerous exciting things. Perhaps

as a young adult, your lover took you there, kissed you

there, took you there.

-from "Your City"

Recount the gut organ’s shifting, caused by strained faces just before the words too hard to bear,

or the new places in their chests that suddenly existed when previous spaces couldn’t contain the explosions of joy that threatened to tear,

as beat skipped and lungs forgot their automatic and unending roles.

For aren’t these moments, the real moments rather than the virtuous behaviors often extolled.

-From "For Luke Chrisco"

Had a slow moving but pretty good night.

and I am very tired, but I have daydreaming of fighting against the night still...
but if I go to sleep I could have good dreams...

I think I know three people that currently read this... the rest of you are stalkers

When you are a teenager and both of your parents are out of town you go "YES!!!!"

Today I had that "if anything happens both of my parents are out of town/holy shit what if something happens to my parents" moment. 

My Dad is roadtripping to florida through the south.  My mom is motorcycling to glacier and up into canada. 

Yeah yeah yeah

I can't get back to sleep... which is nice because tomorrow is the first day of summer school classes and of course I am nervous and excited.

Planning in my head the millions of different avenues that a single topic could take, which is the best? Which is exciting? Which will help them learn? and also the whole... do I have enough information? Do I have the right sources, am I insane for teaching this? 

I also have this lost friendship running through my head. Like many of the lost friendships they haunt me, but in this person's case she is so visible to the world that its hard to get away from the loss. Sometimes this makes me feel really hurt, sometimes angry and tonight  just happy...

I listened to an interview earlier and it was so nice to hear her voice, talking, with confidence about the topics she wanted to share about, redirecting the things she didn't... it reminded me of so many conversations that I don't think she knows I cherished.  I often question the things I did wrong... and often blame her too.

But the truth is that I am so proud that its hard to give up. I'm proud to see someone I love doing what they do so wonderfully, and the world responding with such excitement... because its what she deserves, and even if I don't get to be by her side witnessing it, I still really love knowing that my heart's thoughts are so universally accepted.  

Sometimes we talk about seeing the best in people and wondering if that is truly who they are or if we are just wishfully thinking... I love to know that things that touched me so deeply about this person, inspired me so strongly etc  are also acknowledged and inspire others.  It makes me all warm and emotional.  

I don't know if we can have our friendship back. It was always hard with others around anyway... and for all I know she is happier without me, with a better group of friends that follows through in ways I could only imply I would... people who inspire her, and push her to be better. I hope that is the case.

For now I guess I will just sit embarrassed and occasionally melancholy at the loss of opportunity to love more... but still with love.


Its funny how visibility makes things harder yet I yearn for it. Such a voyeur, I wish everyone would put themselves out there for me to -hold onto.  Life doesn't always provide the time, energy, means or situation to care in a way that shows (right) but my heart knows.
Its funny how often I have avoided using the word love in public lately... like I got too overwhelmed again and couldn't say it... I always walk away thinking about how much I do care about that person...  and how I hope they know. This has probably been the great downfall of all of my relationships, my insecure vulnerable humanity replacing my ability to actually act on it. 

I always get mad at the characters in movies for doing the things I do... *why are you walking away?  That's not really what you mean! JUST SAY IT DAMNIT!!!!!        but in the moment I fail the test.

My mom called me right when I was at that threshold of not being able to get back to sleep if disturbed.
I had just had a dream with her in it, in which she was sitting around a table covered in insurance policy and on the phone with the company complaining because she had a cancer surgery scheduled for the next day and they were claiming it was a preexisting condition.  

I also had this song in my head for some reason.  I haven't heard it in years.   Interestingly enough, like my Mother,  Kylie Minogue also had breast cancer a few years back

This Article is quite interesting

I wouldn't call myself a conspiracy theorist, but this looks more like the way that politics is really played out. This guy who shares my name was one of the leading conservative behind the scenes for decades and lead to groups that fundamentally changed the way the country works.  Helped financially back the group that started the Iraq war, got neocons in power, created school choice, faith based initiatives. Do I think these things were intentionally meant to change the way the world works... yes.  Is it a conspiracy to think that republicans are intentionally going after the democratic base, no, disenfranchised black voters in the 2 bush elections, pushing voter ID, pushing anti immigrant bills, attacking unions and teachers, and healthcare.. no that is all very intentional. 

Now one could say, well did the dems ever really help these groups out? Urban Blacks, did dems ever really do anything for them to make them so loyal?  Well no not a whole lot, so wouldn't black people want school choice if it offered them a way out... I think the problem is its at the individual level. It creates competition for goods and resources that aren't really there. Blacks with a college education are still disproportionately hurt during this economic downturn, so is giving them private school vouchers going to change the economic climate for them? no.   Creating a little niche room that leads to nothing is not a solution when you are slashing and burning everything else that offers support... that's the trick they are playing... "hey stand right here where you will be safe, safe from the fire I am setting all around you". 

Fuck dems too though. Fucking awful, spineless cowards, same side of the coin almost, at this point dems are the republicans of the 90s and the republicans of any time before Reagan look better than these fucks.  

And today

Well I didn't accomplish many of my goals today. I watched two school related movies and finished some paper work, but didn't do anything for the book club class, or figure out my curriculum design. 

I spent some time listening to Haley Bonar, who sounds really beautiful when you are in and out of sleep.

I had a dream that it was a school day and even though I knew the school was understaffed I had to call in sick... but I didn't call till like 2:00 PM which would be so unlike me.  By then the day would be over basically and the staff would be super exhausted and probably pretty angry with me. 

I checked out some craigslist ads for housing... it seems like it is too early to be looking -most people are asking for July or beginning of August and I think I am looking for more like late August or beginning of Sept at this point... but I don't really know because Morgan and the landlord haven't quite confirmed anything.

On Shame, Rejection, Music and God

I keep having all these nights where I struggle with that whole unlovable issue. I think its good that I can get to my core issues so fast... to deal with them right away rather than annoying people with inappropriate behavior or something... but it also sucks when you just get to the issue and there is still no solution.  

Russ told me he had been on dates with three different women since his break up a few months ago... I laughed, having been on zero dates in 5 years. But I am not the type to go on dates really... or rather I go on dates constantly with friends.  I can think of about 5 people who have been interested in dating me and it makes me wonder what makes me so picky about the whole thing.  What was different about the people I have dated?  Why did I choose them, was I so confident? No, but there was something different. Not about them, but about my reactions to them.

So I have been thinking about rejection a lot lately.  About how it feels, about why people make the choices they make, about why its necessary and why that doesn't make it easier. About my fear of it and about my fear of causing anyone else that pain.  Its weird to be on something so high up the hierarchy of needs,  I just read a book about the holocaust and there was very little about the fear of rejection, or even of love.  The will to survive and what for?  If I should spend the rest of my life doing what I am doing now would it be worth it?  I tend to think of most things as a means to a better future, forget to take pleasure in the moment, and if the moment is all we have and I blow it off then maybe the future and survival isn't worth it.  Maybe if I don't have children (as I am expecting is now the case) there would be little legacy to leave... the characters in the book are so survival bent that they neglect to respect the dead... That song I posted is that... a request of god to spare them from damnation, and in it you can hear the love, the absolute love, but also the sort of fear we all carry that we too will be neglected, forgotten and abandoned -a hope that love can overcome, a hope that God will overcome the petty points, see past the shame we ourselves can't see past and believe in us... 

I spent a few moments every night wondering if that is the case... its like my eternal question, despite my differing beliefs, I spend a moment wondering if anyone, if God could see past my shame... Its sad to live so fear based.  I have seen it hurt many a person, daily I see the fears of others hurting us all.  I see it turn to violence of the physical and of the societal. 

In the movie The Tree of Life, the bulk of the movie deals with the childhood experiences of a set of brothers and their interactions with their parents. Its through the eyes of the eldest brother, who as a young adolescent does some things he feels shame for and can't tell anyone. You watch (fairly heartbroken) as these almost harmless things become a weight so strong that they tear him apart, and cause him to hate himself and his parents for a time.  Eventually he reconciles with them (or so the movie leads you to believe) but it was hard to watch something so mathematically destructive.   The introduction of shame, the silencing aspect of it, the inner turmoil turning to self hatred and anger lashing out, only seeing evil in others because you can't see your own good anymore.  To see something like that play out before you and know that it is your life, but not be able to escape is rather heartbreaking. So I listen to the beautiful music on repeat and hear my soul cry out for forgiveness of a God I am not sure exists but I don't have a choice because I desire to see more than evil. 

and I do...     so there must be a god somewhere.

For the Tea Drinkers

I recommend this movie.

It's on Netflix

Last night was a good night. I got to hang with lace and people watch at a cool tattoo event. 

Later did some soul searching with Russ followed by a movie that attempted to do the same.

We saw The Tree of Life, both of us felt it wasn't  a good date movie, a little pretentious, but not entirely awful... beautiful imagery and beautiful music. Good acting during the scenes with acting...

Anyway I was most struck by the music and visuals during a scene of the creation of the universe. 

this piece was used as one of the climatic elements... (the music not the pictures)

Lacrimosa dies illa,
Qua resurget ex favilla
Judicandus homo reus.

Huic ergo parce, Deus :
Pie Jesu Domine,
Dona eis requiem.

Ah! that day of tears and mourning!
From the dust of earth returning,
Man for judgement must prepare him:

Spare, O God, in mercy spare him!
Lord, all pitying, Jesu blest,
Grant them Thine eternal rest.

I am sad that it isn't on the soundtrack which I hurried home and bought online.   The soundtrack is mostly the original music for the film and there is some good stuff but it doesn't have any of the epic choral pieces that are used during the best parts of the film...

honestly close your eyes and just listen to that... I think I saw a guy crying during this scene... and had I been in a less critical place, a more emotive space... I could imagine this piece moving me like that.


A more complete list of music used in the film can be found here though they have original arrangements not the ones used in the film specifically. 

Also, yall know you can comment right?

I hope I don't bother, offend or hurt any ones relationship by things I put on here.

too much stuff

I am surrounded by junk.

I have been trying to do some sorting and tossing.

I feel bad to throw away stuff that could be used but with my current state of mind it just needs to go. I don't feel like I have the time to sell it or take it anywhere. 

Too much too much

I have cds and dvds and books to get rid of and waiting till a lawn sale or till I can take them to cheapo or half priced books or whatever seems like too long a wait.  Also it is raining. How did I get all this junk?

Why do I keep it?

Also I have had all these really shitty paintings that I did when I wasn't very inspired and that didn't amount to anything... and they are all in the garbage now.

 minus pictures and some select things, maybe my computer... I could really go for a clean sweep. 

One More of Me

Now that the day has come

I see myself as everyone

I am whats all around me
No, nothing it just cannot be
Feeling has come from the sun

Like most everything and everyone

What seems lost is free from the force that slowly destroys us

And kills all matter off


Well, we don't control the chance that plays with us

And we get existence back by hurting others

And when we go the other way its ourselves we hurt

But who pushes on though eventually will see

Every moments first

Every moment is first

Whats gone will never come back

But it exists when you think of it
And what is anything, anyway

But a series of things running through your brain


All of the fucked things you do

Are the product of whats happened to you

Whatever you create from love


Is a gift from the place which some call above

Theres only the forces of hate and love

One breaks things down and one builds them up.

I think its funny how quick my mind becomes meaningless, my actions seem purposeless, my waking a mistake, my existence a chore, my desires a weight, my needs a chain. I wander from this place to that and each in search of something not quite reality, then sit in a hostile state until I return to my prisoner's cell, addicted to the glow screen, candy, food, porn, wake to do it again.

Briefly I was out of this when Illy called and we had a real conversation.

When Victoria called and I was back to the heat.

I know it will be over soon enough, but I hope tomorrow isn't like today, where each grasp at something real seems too outside my range. Reminds me of the year I call my depression in high school, when I chose to embrace it. Illy mentioned the demons and I think one took hold of me recently enough.

When I was little

I think I have posted these before, but I was looking through old photos... 

Back when I was little, I could rarely open my eyes for pictures. Maybe it was because digital cameras were new and mysterious. Or maybe it was because I was malnourished (looking at these pictures I sort of wish I was this skinny still). Anyway...  here are some pictures from 2002 and 2003 (when I was 18 and 19). 

pretrip at airport

This might have been for passport photos (it was the only one out of like 15 that I had my eyes open).

This was entirely to see how long my hair was... look how wavey.

With my Mom

With grant

With Steve

In Barcelona, Spain

I'd assume this was Madrid... but I don't really know.

James in the background reading...maybe in Toledo

in Segovia I think

On the train to Barcelona

In Efes, Turkey

In Istanbul

In Efes

Post graduation with Pete

4 protests same day

Minneapolis

I spent my day avoiding real relationships because I was looking for them in my dreams.

Hard to know where to start or look, or have your expectations met.

Its weird to have time off because all of a sudden I have space where nobody else does, it doesn't feel lonely though because I am self centered, it feels like people are avoiding me.

Then of course when people reach out, I'm too self conscious to give back. Unlike in my dreams -where I can be exceptional and flirtatious, daring and accepting of situations as they are without tearing myself or the other down too much. A conversation leads to a kiss leads to a shared revelation, leads to something good.   But when I wake up I wonder if there was ever an opportunity there and brush off the idea, though the conversation, and opportunity for kisses was certainly available.

I've concluded that I have years of bad luck to work off for disrupting fate too much.



This is wonderful

Expect some sap

I have a week off, if I write anything it will probably be pity laced and pathetic. 

Tonight I see X MEN

I am looking forward to it despite mixed reviews.

Nova will be in town this weekend, but mostly I am open...

There is this reading that we have from a book called Mastery of Love,

that describes love as having no expectations or obligations, where as fear (the opposite of love) is full of them. 

I am disappointed by my expectations.

Conspiring to Commit Education

I want to write another manifesto, but its 90 degrees and I am shot. 

Jokingly we laugh about the idea of slow poison through the chair our overlords throne upon, or mock the idea that a person can leave their job for weeks and not be missed, when an afternoon with out one of us sends shock waves through the system.

My coworker spoke of how our situation is the perfect microcosm of the larger societal bullshit.

While the lord reaps the benefits he asks the serfs to produce more with less by punishment of eviction or lay off. 

Hard to comprehend how things could get so bad... or how people's minds and hearts harden so easily.

Manhole of Memories

The title comes from an Ani Difranco song I used to love and by that mean always will.
I remember listening to that cd on repeat for a summer along with Curtains by Frusciante  and I know I have talked about both of those cds and the memories of that summer... so I will not bother further.

Today I saw a boy get hit by a car. I say boy not because he was that young, maybe my age maybe a few years younger, but because he was far too young to have his life taken, he hadn't yet lived (and I hope will have the chance still) my coworkers said the crowd thought he was in his 30s, but crowds are not good at judging ages... the way I used to not be able to tell who was a early 20 something and who was a teen, and now the difference is usually visible. My coworkers had to stop people from further mangling him, with misguided attempts at revival... while he shook there, where I could see his legs twitch making the 911 call that much harder to figure out. It was my 3rd call to 911 so far this year and they don't get much easier. 

I think this boy will be ok but its harder to focus on the roads now and that is the opposite of what should be happening.

I didn't see him hit the truck, I heard him hit it and between the hit on the truck and the hit to the ground I saw him flying  something like 6 feet in front of the truck, later a dent in the red painted hood, a driver and passenger who I am sure will never really understand what happened pulled in front of our building (just slightly away from the intersection)to be questioned by the police.

I don't know who was at fault and I don't want to blame, I distracted my dad a few days ago as he carelessly reversed into a biker's baby carriage -which thankfully was vacant of a passenger and I saw how shaken the father on the bike was... wanting to point to damage that wasn't really there, but the real damage was the possibility that everything could be taken so easily, so carelessly, because a passenger was talking to his father... a simple distraction.  

So I can't imagine what its like to hit a person, only know it was more devastating than the possibility and that seems incomprehensible.

We didn't know who was hit lying there convulsing in shock induced seizures in the middle of our busy intersection... it could have been any one of our students or one of the workers from the countless places we shop at in the area... or one of the people who bum cigarettes from our kids, or one of the 50 thousand people who pass through the busy ass intersection of Nicollet and Franklin.

I have almost hit people there and now with the construction its even more fucked up.  Too many people... too many machines intent to murder.  

I can't count how many times my students have run in front of cars on these streets and any of them could have been killed finally realizing they aren't invincible at the ultimate cost.

One of the students with me in the room ran out to watch, he said he does well with traumatic things, reminds me too much of my bad side. Another started breathing heavily and didn't know what to do, another started worrying that she too would start to seize up (recent medical condition) and another ran to the bathroom to throw up. 


I called 911 for the third time this year to report something I wasn't even sure of, while my co-workers ran into the street and took control of a crowd that would have made things worse, took off their clothes to cover wounds, and started directing traffic until paramedics arrived.  Once they had that in order I got to corral students away from the accident because they don't even know what they are exposing themselves to.  And I guess we've been through enough now that we don't need to think or plan we just act and deal with the hyperventilating and shaking and realization that we don't have enough clothes on afterwards.  It makes me really proud of my co-workers, like I see them every day doing battle against incredible odds with little to no recognition and they just wake up and come in looking like shit again the next day. 
Coffee gets us going and then we do it again.




I came home really upset because an hour or two after this event we had to do battle with one of our administrators who is basically saying that within a year or two we will have to cut a staff member, or add more students to  a school that will not function at that capacity. 

My coworkers are burnt out, starting to think about other options, continuing to give their all at the expense of their health, relationships and sanity and our administrator who makes 3 times what I do, who makes twice as much as my boss and who is getting a raise bigger than ours... Says there are no options to cut our budget at the administrative level even though we point out options trying as hard as we can not to jab or stab at him personally.  He undermines us, pushes his own agenda and then calls foul when we don't trust him, and the thing is... I would, I would trust him if I didn't think he was putting himself before his work... I mean I guess that is good boundaries but this is alternative education... where people can't be unionized because they won't agree to work less hours, because they put the students welfare above their own pay raise, where thousands from our salaries are probably going right back into the school making up the budget gaps he hadn't noticed yet. 

Don't tell 5 overworked assholes with no boundaries and lots of heart that they can't have their way... we'll fuck you up....   

(that's the funniest thing I have ever written).

Spring 2010

Spring 2011

Gettin younger all the time am I right?

Its all been said no?

I gotta do laundry today, meet with the shindig, stay true to the vision, think about the present, learn to breathe right, buy some fruit, get the thoughts out, contrast the difference and justify the reasoning, make some connections before I fall again, learn to catch the wind currents, speak some truth, not get sun burned, should be doing some things, should not be using should statements, maybe see a movie for the fun of it, read some more and maybe finish a book, dream in the sunlight about all forms of sunlight, remember to move on with life, plan a coup, write some grad script, get the things done for my mundane real life, envision a brighter future make the steps to see it, throws out some graphs and a new drawing worth being proud of, wonder again if it will ever be a possibility to trust myself. 

I just found this from a few years ago again. I love when that happens... I like these lines

I am pleasant, positive,
all connections aside
I am driven, good and confident
none from you derived.

Yet I find myself striving,
wondering what you would like
and it almost feels right
it almost feels right.

Sometimes I have a hard time trying to find the balance or justification that allows me to simultaneously think 

  

-myself worthy of brilliant dreams of love and comfort 

-and at the same time such awful awful disturbing things.