5:11 and I cant sleep

I went to bed too early and now I cant get back to sleep. My mind isn't necessarily racing, but its certainly jogging at a nice pace. Long dedicated intricate conversations with people. Apologies, connections, questions. Who are these people my mind wishes to speak to at 5 in the morning?
Why are they important, what does their conversation promise?
Why am I so self assured and yet so self deprecating in these conversations?
As if to call out "You should talk to me, but I know you wont love me."
-and further reflection shows I pretty much live my life by this sentence. Assuming that my friendship (at times) might be worth something to someone, if only for a moment, but in the long run doubting that I could be what they need, or they for me.

I was thinking about how we justify a person's role in our lives, but how those people may never meet the expectations of others when sown off... maybe that doesn't make sense.
Specifically if someone were to say to a friend "oh you should meet mike, hes great (important in my life)." then when they meet me I seem to disappoint... and isn't it always that way.

Of course tonight sitting surrounded by friends and strangers, I reminded myself that I always expect too much of myself and maybe those around me... and thus I always feel a situation is disappointing. This seems to be the case more and more... for I guess it wasn't always this way. Sometimes I need to sit back and enjoy the situation for what it is, rather than what I believe it should be... I watch others do this... it amazes me, they seem so happy with whatever.

I spent the night talking to a sort of... friend of a friend. I have known her for quite a while... but it has always bothered me because I have always appreciated who she is despite many of my and even her "friends" annoyance at her presence. It sounds pretty awful. I guess, I can see what others find annoying, but to me she is so genuinely human during these times that its hard to find so frustrating. I'm sure if I were more invested I might worry about her, but as it stands. I enjoy her. I think when I notice people with certain characteristics and they seem put on, or fake... that gets to me. But when a person is just being who they are (even if that is socially unacceptable) I sort of find it beautiful, amusing, interesting, pleasant.

Today I am going to a wedding. Slightly nervous, but mostly assuming it will be really fun.
My house is so dark, its kind of scaring me.

I think I really miss a lot of people. Even people I have seen recently. Miss things being comfortable. Of course they never really are... but I miss the idea that they were at some point.
I miss the time when things weren't on edge. I miss having a best friend, and I wish it weren't so back and forth lately.
Next week i start work again... and my hope is that with structure the world will seem right again.

The cat just scared the shit out of me... I thought she went into the wall... turns out she is just able to fit into small spaces in a book shelf.

Part of my job will include a camping trip. Despite having been in morris and learning a hundred folk songs those boys play around a fire, a mic or a living room. The only camp songs I remember readily are Christian. I don't know what to do with that. I also wonder if any of the staff plays guitar... it would be nice to have the students play... but maybe their songs wouldn't be appropriate/popular enough for people to know the lyrics to.

Why do my feelings for people cloud my vision of who they are so much?

One of the conversations I was having with a friend in my head was a list of things that automatically seem to rule out dating, but I don't think they are single things, more like in combination they add up to not dating.
except for smoking, excessive drugs/gambling, and the more common things like cheating, lying, etc.

but there are so many things that seem to cause unnecessary drama in a relationship, some are fun to find out along the way, but some seem simple enough to just check off the list.
I'm just not as open to getting disappointed by people as I used to be.
I remember when I use to think (seriously) about dating every girl I met. I would talk myself into it, rather than out of.

Maybe I should become a monk or something.

I miss genuine laughter and fun. People being caught up in the moment.

I'm not depressed or anything right now... just for the record, just contemplative and sort of cynical. Well I guess thats about a half an hour of open reflection... see ya later?