messages?

I went to bed last night, unable to sleep I tossed like a salad for several hours. I was spent, but my mind wanted to think about things like putting away folders (which is what I had done that day), wanted to check off lists you know... But as part of this, I started thinking of all the changes I wanted to make in my life. Maybe I wanted to start planning my south america trip. Where would I start? Where would I end? How would I know when its enough?
Is early next summer to early? By the time I was asleep, I am sure I had convinced myself I could not leave too early. I would cancel all my plans, my responsibilities: School could wait or would be dead soon enough, SoT is a waste of time, I have no friends I told myself.
My mind picked up on that SoT thing, because though I was planning on stepping off the leadership council and maybe not showing up as much as the thing quietly fell apart without me (egocentric to the max before bed!)  I had a dream. 

I was standing somewhere, like maybe the Fair, only I know I was also late to my first class, so maybe it was the fair at some university where I was skipping class to chat up old ladies.. anyway, two old ladies were talking to each other about SoT, and I (though I was planning on quitting), seemed like the perfect person to bud into their conversation, so of course I did, "You know I am a leader of SoT, and I would be perfectly happy to answer any questions."  they did have questions... "what are you doing on healthcare?"
"nothing yet, but I am sure with enough energy we could be" and suddenly there were not two, but twenty, and they were energized. They wanted universal healthcare, they wanted their retirements secure, they wanted their kids to not worry, and their kids were there too, wanting to not worry. At 20 they were a small energized crowd, at 50 they were a bulldozer force. They had momentum, they had the moment, SoT was a thing with an impact.
and I was late for class.

___________________________________________________________________________


I was early, I am always early, I showed up and was seated, I questioned myself on whether I needed separate seating, after all I was meeting them right? No, not really, there was nothing confirmed, had I made up the whole thing? Was I just crashing their get together, who the fuck was Huck? Why as he special... I mean I knew Huck, I like Huck, Huck is a fine person, but why were you meeting with him and not me. Fuck it, I will join you. What a weird restaurant, a dark rich environment like a romantic eatery seen only in rich people dramas. Only the menu had no lobster or fois gras, but icecream, yogurt, sorbet.  Rich icecream yogurt and sorbet mind you. Each scoop was like 15 buck and they only served them in 2 scoops, no more, no less. What an exquisite menu I thought to myself, but I was too nervous, sweating, what the fuck am I doing here? I turned around to see the two of you entering. Huck was tall, in a dark suit. He matched the place perfectly, suave and silly. He didn't see me. You entered your hair was just beyond shoulder length, teased out but in a beautiful swoop, you looked like model, perfectly catching the orange light in the darkness of the restaurant. Your were wearing a dress, strapless, form fitting, melted into the rich drama. you had a small purse, in manicured hands. You didn't see me.
The host seated the two of you, on the opposite side of the swank creamery. I followed down the long narrow row between tables, on this side there were deep dark wooden booths made for more people and they were filled with socialites all in black, laughing, smiling, beautiful. Laurel was amongst one group and she spotted me, smiled at me, returned to here laughing friends (all Filipino).  I got caught behind a group that was exiting, and lost track of you. I tried to sweep over to the other aisle but couldn't quite make it through, impatient I stood, sweating, the flood came back. What was I doing, how will she react? What if I am interrupting? Should I just leave a message and walk by. Should I wait for them to recognize me and invite me over. What if she denied wanting to see me? She had said it would be nice right?  I looked to Laurel for confirmation, she wasn't there.  I was hoping she could run interference with Huck, if I needed. She was gone.
I decided to approach, I saw the two of you, done up and fancy. You were just about to look at the menus, you didn't see me. Within 20 feet I chickened out. Turned around and thought better of myself, but I couldn't give up this opportunity, I was a mad man in a yogurt shop. I kept pacing up and down the aisle, but this whole calamity was in my head and no one was the wiser.
Eventually I returned to my seat, I was trying to text you. Something about, "try the _____ its good I hear" which I hadn't heard, nor tried, but I wanted to somehow say "I know you are here, please let me know if I can join you" but I was sweating and the sweat was stinging my eyes, and I wondered if I was too poorly dressed in this place. I was choking from the heat, I felt a mess, my glasses were foggy and I couldn't read the text. I didn't understand why I had these new thick rimmed glasses.  I was worried. I was missing the moment.

The build up is what gets you.

I don't know if this will be a complete entry, more like a smattering of ideas. I am not a context writer, I give you the middle, maybe a little on the side.

Someone woke me up this morning with a text, I wrote something back about no one being able to give me what I really wanted right now, in my sleepiness I knew that that was true, but hadn't defined what that was really. It took me a few minutes longer...

If someone were able to snap their fingers, it'd be two fold, it wouldn't just be for the hurt to stop. It wouldn't be just that my friends feel cared for, or my mom suddenly didn't have this enormous burden on her, or that school wasn't so damn frustrating, it'd be more than that. I want the high times, the times when I felt special in each of these characters' lives. I miss being at the center of their universe, and I miss them being part of mine. I miss the ease, the comforting, the dynamic expansion of the heart in the way that it hurts because you are bursting with joy, not torn apart and healing. I miss being loved and needed, being sought out, being longed for.

I was right, no one can give me that. They can't get it back for me.  and I know I have thus far rejected new offers. I know that these ladies are in essence offering that with the potential to be a father, I am disastrously scared of that. I am feeling unethical about it. I am worried I will add the element of destruction to that.

But anyway it won't really be that, this is like the ending of high school, or college, people walk away and find new lives. There are two things that heal, time and replacement. I know they aren't truly replaced, but when my thoughts are of others, they won't be as tied up in them. 

 

1,000,000 things to worry about and yet not.

I am reading this book called Proving Manhood, so far I really like it and I am on chapter 5.
It is an analytical look at masculinity from a feminist perspective, that actually looks at men as human beings. Which is sadly something that is often overlooked, instead, we look at masculinity and see the masculine norm and treat men as if they are or are not it. We complain and argue and attack and dismiss based on how well we are or are not performing masculinity and often forget that underneath, regardless of the performance there is some reason (education) and some cause (incentive) behind it. I don't just mean a desire for power and dominance, but rather a reason for that desire, a psychological need, a socialized need, perhaps even a biological drive. But he isn't trying to dismiss the harmful affect, nor dismiss responsibility just to understand it and process it, so that we could perhaps deal with it some day.
Its the first time so far where I haven't  felt defensive reading a feminist book, because perhaps I am old enough now, or perhaps because the author does a good of making it human.
Anyway, it brought some objectivity to my ordinarily ridiculously self-centered and biased perspective of myself. Which I really appreciate.

But underneath I find the topic to be hitting home dramatically right now. Because in essence I feel like whether I want to be or not, I am proving manhood right now by denying or not breaking down from the emotional stressers I am facing, I am remaining calm and sure footed in a world that feels completely turned upside down.

I do my duty, I don't rely too much, I keep shit together... but none of this really.
I am avoiding work, and emotions, and hard conversations, and hard thoughts. I am processing on one level what I am avoiding on another.
I feel like I relate to this author, who describes being rewarded and pushed ahead and seen as an expert like a good man while simultaneously saying and doing things he is unsure of, feels like he hasn't thought through, doesn't understand, doesn't feel like an expert on.

He gives a really poignant description of his life, in a reflection on his deceased mother

Mother:
Since your death thirty years ago, your presence is a film covering my experience, darkening it and making the world, the world of my life, seem farther away. If i could pop you open, a thousand memories would appear and move me, breaking and healing my heart, and making the world real again.  Your unreality places the world so far away. Your unreality makes my life unreal.  But I can't, don't know how to pop you open, and as I move deeper into middle age, I wonder whether the attention I give you is worth the effort, But still, I sense, Until you are real, I will not be real.

For some reason this resonated with me tonight, as I think about all the unreal situations I am facing and wonder who I am. How can I be real if I can't process all these things I should be processing... I go on, its rather easy actually, further in my delusions, pretending things are fine, crying at odd moments, unable to really touch this thing that is outside my reach, because if I did, I'd be a mess... maybe, maybe too needy, too unresponsive or irresponsible. I'd be too much of a child reaching for his mommy, and even my Mommy would be turned off like "who is this emotional wreck of a child, this is not what I raised, I raised a sensitive but strong man."  

I gave my first sperm donation tonight.  I was not ready, I didn't know what I was doing. I hadn't really prepared, I hadn't waited long enough. I hadn't figured out how to produce enough... you know... I'm sitting around questioning my masculinity, my male-ness. I am embarrassed, I am worried that if things don't work out it will be my fault.

But all of this is what it is.

One of the conclusions that has weighed on my mind for a while is that i have been spoiled by good friends. But I wonder if I were any less spoiled just how neurotic I would be at this point.  Its been hard for me lately to get deep with the people I want to, like I can't really really be me... this damn film on my life or perhaps I am just too afraid to let my guard down. Anyway all of this is making me realized how strange my performance of masculinity truly is. My hair is in pigtails but I am stoic, I am dancing to the music but I can't be perceived as needing anything.

I am forgetful of my friends and family, and neglectful, and perhaps even hurtful, because I am not centered, because I am not focused, because I am caught up in the act of being purposeful.

I don't know. I thought I would be able to write and have things make sense, but not that I have written it seems even more jumbled.
It is

My room smells like cat pee

I think because I haven't had the window open for a few days I suddenly noticed what my room regularly smells like. I probably need to do a complete sweep and clean.

I think I have been operating under a different set of assumptions about how a friendship works than some of my besties lately.  There is something slightly off, and I have been feeling slighted, but perhaps its just a different way of seeing things. 

I don't know. This afternoon I was thinking I need to change things. 

I am pretty sure I am going to chop off my hair something like 8 months early, but who needs schedules?

On the way home I was thinking maybe things aren't supposed to fall into place, because this isn't the place for them to fall together right... but that was after reading for hours about the devastation of people and the planet by misguided attempts at ecological change...   I really enjoy this style of history. In this style, economics and politics are impacted by the environment rather than the other way around. 

It makes more sense in the overarching history than most other theories...

Oh well those are my thoughts.

I keep writing things feeling sorry for myself.
Then not posting them.
I wait.

You are my sweetest downfall

Tomorrow is starting to feel like it may be a busy day. Something about not having a lot to do, makes you feel overwhelmed when a day is full. 

I couldn't get to sleep last night, I had so many thoughts that weren't necessarily invited, but they kept me up  till something like 4:30 (or later), after I tried to go to bed at about 1:30.  Then my Dad pocket dialed me at 7:30 and it started again. I think I got back to sleep by around 9ish, but it was super annoying.

I am supposed to do this video project for SoT, something about how SoT has impacted my faith and how community organizing is beneficial. I wrote up a script. It looks like the following.

My faith journey began as a child, baptized and brought up in the Lutheran church, I found myself in youth groups, volunteering in the nursery and for church plays. Going on youth mission trips. Confirmation classes, my faith and values developed through the stories in the bible and I began to understand very deeply that God works through people in the world, and wants us to be welcoming and to cherish each other as brothers and sisters.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see that in the church, by 16 or so, I felt like the church was a place that talked a big game, but didn’t follow through in action. 

I left the church but continued to explore my spirituality, and intended to act on my  deeply held values in the world. I became a high school teacher for at risk youth, working with these teenagers I wanted to help them recognize they have a place in a world but found that the world mostly attempts to keep them marginalized.

This is partially why the values at Spirit of Truth call out to me, in our community we recognize its not enough to talk a big game, we have to create the world we want to see.

We have started this in our community, getting to know each other through community events, art nights, yoga, prayer groups potlucks, discussion groups, talking, listening, singing together.

In these community building activities we have found shared stories, shared values and an eagerness to create a community and a larger society where all people are recognized and feel God’s love in their community. In our organizing we have also taken on social justice actions, working with Nurses, Low Wage Workers, union Members and most recently the Equality movements for justice in Marriage rights.

Personally this organizing has challenged me to speak out on the places where I see injustice, has moved me to be a part of the change to create a better world, and has allowed me to reconcile much of my faith values with the way I live my life.  I find at SoT we create together a space where holistically people’s needs are met, nourished and their gifts are allowed to blossom.

Being a member of SoT has opened new doors for me, given me clarity and allowed me to feel free to be my true self in the world, in a way that I have never experienced.  I think this is something that God wants for all of us. 

 Its funny how when you try to write something that feels real, it ends up sounding fake and vv. 

I think one thing that has changed about me in the last few years is that I no longer get so anxious about absolutes. I was rereading that last post and it seemed very absolutist in some things, but in general, I think I am less so. I am learning to experience and enjoy the complex gray wilderness.  I am more okay with contradicting myself in a sentence. I am more okay relying on people's good intentions.  Well, to some extent. 

Then there are the ways it is infuriating right?  I still expect those.

I thought I had something to say, but I am not sure I do. 

Listening to this band a lot 

Sharing Humanity

I spent a few hours today talking to a friend. She has this habit of crying when we talk, and she blames it on me, or rather assigns the moods she gets into to our discussions. She also hints at the possibility of more almost every time we depart. 

We were talking about human experiences, like crying, being moved, feeling isolated and alone in the universe. She projects an image of me that makes me feel like I am intriguing and profound. I find it hard to understand sometimes. I tend to chalk it up to the fact that she rarely shares much of herself with anyone, so of course a conversationalist who likes to listen, or who shares a bit of vulnerability, or who makes it seem comfortable enough,  well that feels like a kind of connection, a kind of miracle, and I walk away feeling like I've been a part of something meaningful, but not entirely as out of the ordinary as she presumes it to be. 

Yesterday she and my coworker startled me in their shared assessment that I fit the description I was giving of a "good" person, and I quickly dismissed it. It was one of those moments where you are shocked by the way others perceive you, like I walk around all day with my head in a different world than they do... and I chalk it up to the fact that they are good, and want to see good in others who they relate to, but I am not sure it is that simple. 

I've been dreaming of familiar people, people who aren't a part of my life on the regular, but their being around in mundane roles seems comforting in the dreams. I wonder if it means anything. Like preparation for something.

The thought occurred to me tonight that perhaps the opposite of what I assumed might happen could happen if I do end up helping conceive this child. Perhaps I will drop my obsessive thoughts on morality and just enjoy life, regardless of the consequences, like "I've done my work to ensure the future, so fuck it, time to enjoy the present."   This is contrasted with that assumption I have always had that said "When I have a reason to live, I will live better." and perhaps, that statement is hurtful to some in my life, but it seemed fitting enough.

At least 20 million

That title is in response to the test. Really rather amazing how many cells can fit in a tiny drop of something.

Speaking of amazing...

Sometimes I forget that underneath all my loathing, anger, cynicism etc... I am actually quite in awe of how beautiful this world, this life can be.

This hit me when I was watching the Olympics for 10 minutes. 10 minutes of my life and I started tearing up at the beauty of synchronized diving, this coming from the guy who hates the olympics because they are a spectacle of nationalism and commercialism and all that is wrong with humans... and yet how beautiful humans can be...

Some art

Mine are not as good as some of these but they will be posted below



Most of these were done with one ink pen, 5 colored pencils and a brush.
Oh and I spelled dyed wrong on that one. 

Why so angry?

Taken from someone's facebook post

I was trying to figure out why this photo and caption angered me so much.

The first thing I did was look up pictures online to see if it was real... I'd guess this fetus is between 12-14 weeks from what I saw online.

In many ways this is brilliant propaganda, is that why it bothers me?

Do I feel an attachment toward this human?  I mean I am tempted to say it is not yet a human, but who cares, its a protohuman right, so why is it so frustrating.

I have been thinking about this argument I was in with my step mom, my dad wants to have lunch tomorrow, and I got worried that maybe it was like in retaliation. Which is dumb, but I was readying myself for combat.  

When someone else makes a good point, we recoil, sometimes lash out, but sometimes its just a good point.   I think my frustration with this photo is not so much in the piece itself, that's kind of adorable (trying to recreate the classic baby in a hand photo), but rather in those who use it, "it literally might save a life" as if re-posting that picture "saves" that life. Keeps it from being one of the starving, abandoned, abused, diseased, neglected, alienated or violated in a million other ways.   Not that life can't be good when it is painful, life can still be good, but why can't we try to make it easier for the living instead of guilt tripping them into bringing about more?

I have been reading about the horrors brought about by ecological destruction. The wars, plagues, droughts, disasters.  Almost all of which were brought about by overpopulation. 

A funny subject to talk about when one is planning on taking a fertility test and hopefully conceiving a child... but for those not ready to take on the responsibility -why push?

Nothing to say.

I mean it... I did some stuff today, nothing worth mentioning.
Never major revelations.
I have to wait another day or two for the fertility test. Its actually kind of hard for someone with the habits I have.

A dream

I had two that I remember from last night, but this one seemed more fun.

I was walking, in the park when I approached you. It was as if we had met before, like in many of the dreams I have -where the person seems familiar even when they aren't. Like how I imagine in my waking life, one day I will happen upon you, or another one of you (dream girls) and just say "Hey, where have you been hiding, I've been waiting forever" to which you will reply "Mike, I'm here now, quit complaining" and then we will walk off together. Which is basically what happened. 

I approached you, short hair, elfish, dark late fall clothes, it was cool out, it was getting darker, but I could see your glowing face and you could see mine.  I was captivated, like I am by every pretty girl's smile. I was confident, I approached you. But likewise, you approached me, like you'd been waiting, just standing there waiting for this stranger with his long hair and his off-kilter confidence to say "hey"  or whatever it was I said to you, because we weren't really saying things, not really. 

It was if we were reading each-other's minds, each-other's futures. 

More like saying "Are you sure? because I think I am" and then the other would say the same as we continued to mind read each secret, each story. We walked, arm and arm, smiling, laughing, singing maybe, because our talk wasn't vocal, but we were sharing... and this was our first date but because we had known each other and because we were reading each others future, when we ran into Jess and her friend, you introduced yourself and she did, and said we looked like a good couple, which we weren't yet, but we didn't correct her because we planned to be, we were already committed somehow, and so we all walked together to her house or her cabin and momentarily I fell behind, in my joy of the thing, trying to understand the thing, trying to explain the excitement and happiness of it all... and when I approached the house I knew the majority were watching something, I could hear them all together watching a movie, loud and social, and I thought to myself how I didn't want you to be amongst them, because I wanted to steal your cute elfishness and keep it for myself, keep exploring with you, smiling, reassuring.  So I looked in the room off to the side, hoping you would be there, and you were... smiling you looked up, you were petting a dog (yes apparently dogs don't freak me out in dreams), you wanted to show me how it was curled up and sleeping and cute, and I thought "how funny she likes dogs, of course she likes dogs and of course they like her" because in my dream all of life loved you, was attracted to you, belonged to you, the way I did, and the way I wanted you to be attracted to me. 

And I walked over to pet the dog and be in your presence, and I did (pet the dog) and it was warm, and I did (enter your presence) and it was warm. 

And I woke up happy for a moment, filled with you.

been awhile since i wrote out a political rant on here

My step mother recently began an argument with me on a few issues. Gay marriage came up, she and my dad feel they are just following their faith, not discriminating by being against marriage equality. She also brought up the Chick Fil A thing.  I hadn't really thought about the chick fil a thing until I read the article at the bottom. I guess sometimes my biases come out when I am arguing for things and I can't put my finger on why it is important to argue against say a random corporation getting involved. I don't think Chick Fil A is directly responsible for the deaths of lgbt kids... but they are not helping, and may in fact be hurting those children indirectly. 

Anyway here is what I sent her:

Hi Colleen, I guess I am still cooling off a little after that last one. I think this issue is particularly hard because so many of the people in my life are affected so personally by this issue, friends, family coworkers, even myself. I know the vague legal boundaries around same sex partners seem like a small issue, but I think its more about the larger issue that in the united states we use these institutions to block people from being recognized as equals. I cannot be okay with that, and I don't think you and my dad are actually okay with that either, but right now you don't see how it is discrimination. It is though because on a basic LEGAL and SOCIAL level, some people are given more rights than others. No different from racial discrimination, which I know you are not ok with. In fact some of these rights had to be fought for during the civil rights movements, women's rights movement, even in some states the Catholic's rights movements.

LGBT folks are not recognized as being equal, if you want to fight for their equality then vote No, or don't Vote on the amendment, OR fight for equal civil rights and try to get the state constitution to recognize civil unions as equal to your marriage.


Feel free to read the rest if you like, it is about discrimination of lgbt folks, and reactions to the common arguments against marriage equality.
______________________________________________
National Level:
It seems absurd to me that for 18 years of my life Gay people in the military were openly discriminated against for being themselves, even if they had "served their country" in combat, they were dismissed without benefits for being themselves. Imagine losing a limb for this country and then getting nothing. Did this happen to straight folks? It seems absurd to me that for the last 16 years a gay person's legal marriage in one state, wouldn't be recognize in another. Imagine going to South Dakota or Florida and not having your marriage recognized. If you and my dad were for some reason injured on a trip, its possible the hospital would deny you access to each other. Think about how horrifying that would be. Does this happen to straight folks?
In several states homosexual individuals and couples can't adopt children. Meaning thousands of kids go un-adopted but willing folks can't adopt them. Are straight couples ever ruled unfit, simply because of their sexuality?


Besides the DOMA stuff above, there are 515 statutes of Minnesota law that apply to Heterosexual couples and don't apply to Homosexual couples. 515 laws that create unequal treatment from the state of MN to same sex couples.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a legal level?

This is something that a lot of people on all sides of the issue ask, in many ways progressives would rather change the law so that "marriage" was a word not used in any legal manner. They say let marriage be a religious thing, let civil unions be a legal term, this would basically mean the state would recognize that you were in a civil union, the church may or may not recognize that you were married. I myself don't care about this one, as many churches will marry lgbt folks, and the state could be changed to recognize civil unions, but this is not the argument conservatives fought for in the legislature. They chose to have an anti-marriage amendment thrown into the mn constitution for no reason ( I say no reason, because same sex marriage is already illegal in MN.)
This would mean (if it passes) lgbt partners could never have their "marriages" recognized by the state (forever). Making it very unlikely that same sex couples will ever have the same legal rights.

This means you will always be able to visit my dad in the hospital, but arguably another couple may not. This means you will be able to receive tax benefits that another couple does not. So on and so forth.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a social level?
Would you give up your marriage even if you still had the legal rights?If you answer is no, that is the reason why it has to be marriage. Because the term marriage bestows a social, psychological and YES to some extent a religious understanding that says "this is important." James just got married and described the days after it as being the happiest he had been in a long time. Nothing had changed in any way, other than the legal, social and psychological impact of "marriage".


Religious rules: the laws that supposedly discuss homosexuality as evil are ludicrous and we ignore most of those these days anyway, so lets talk about "biblical marriage:"
Biblical marriage throughout the bible is almost always discussed as a business transaction. Women almost never have choice in the matter. Women are seen as property in the bible. Love is almost never mentioned, lust is more often the motive of the male protagonist when discussed for reasons to marry. Commitment is seen as secondary to the business transaction. Polygamy is celebrated in the heroic stories of the bible more often than marriage between two individuals. Most of the cultures of the bible tended to have separate spheres for males and females so the idea of our modern form of marriage for love and commitment was almost never possible. Many of the marriages in the bible are far from sacred, they routinely talk about marrying for diplomacy, for property and for power. Divorce, adultery and other obstacles to the "sacredness of marriage" were as common then as now, which is why they had so many strict rules to try to keep families intact.

New testament: First off is the new testament about inclusion or intolerance? Second, Jesus said nothing about homosexuality. Paul did, but he also said its better for all people to remain single rather than get married. He also said in Christ there is no male or female, all are one in Christ.

Freedom of Religion: The state legally shouldn't be able to uphold "religious rules" that create unequal treatment of people, if it cannot endorse a religion or inhibit the practice of a religion. If we keep people from legal marriage rights by using "religious" rules we are both endorsing one religious standpoint, and inhibiting other people from practicing their religious point of view. This amendment is against freedom of religion.

"Nature" arguments based on the idea that same sex couples cannot reproduce are ludicrous, You and my dad couldn't reproduce but it didn't keep you from wanting a "marriage."

Lastly why is it important to stand up for gay rights against those who speak against them? (Even if they are just speaking their mind?)
First off I think it is unfortunate that some people believe they or their beliefs are under attack if and when the state decides to change the law to recognize the equality of all people. In the south white people claimed their schools, businesses and churches were all under attack during the civil rights movement, meanwhile those same folks literally attacked black people and kept them from equal rights.

I think this article both attempts to be human, relational and speak to the reasons for standing up against institutional discrimination in whatever form, without attacking.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/conor-gaughan/chick-fil-a-homophobia_b_1711566.html

moya

I was talking to Kelly yesterday, explaining how I was numb, or attempting a sort of numbness so I could invite you back. Leave a door open, not dwell on the hurt or the anger, keep a place set.  Its harder and harder to explain to myself why. That was the conclusion I was explaining to her, that it was getting harder to be grateful, to think happy thoughts, to be excited, to be thankful for the blessings in my life, because to keep the absence of hurt, required in some sense the absence of joy... maybe not intentionally but that seems to be the effect. Now I find it all slipping. I really enjoyed the 4 hours with Kelly, babbling while watching her paint so beautifully. Listening to the shared connection that I have with her, both the one we have built over these past few years and the one inherent in our disposition.  I enjoyed how easy it was. Like work is easy. 

I've been hanging with my roommates, they are silly and bright, fun loving. 

They play board games and watch movies with their intellect still in tune. Like a movie isn't just a movie but an idea to be explored. They listen to music, they play music the same way. They have conversations that way too... and I enjoy them. 

The people I usually call my closest are all too busy, with work, school and travel, partners, children  and grudges. Sometimes maybe its their own weaknesses that keep them separate. Maybe its their own version of staying numb. 

I watched this video where this autistic teenager was explaining that she hits herself and flails around because she is overwhelmed in her brain. 

I watched another video where these people were explaining that in some ways being overwhelmed by sensory information is the natural state of a being a teenager. 

So what happens when an adult feels the same?

Overwhelmed till the point of self destruction.

I've been watching mad men, I am still not sure I like the show, but now I am invested in the characters... so its too late to quit right? There are all these scenes where staying cool, calm, collected, numb are rewarded, and part of you wants to yell at them that there is a different way, but these things are rewarded right?

I'm angry now. 

I wasn't really before, because I was keeping it out, but its seeping in. 

Seeping in because I am not allowed to know anything, no understanding of anything, of joy nor sorrow. And I don't want the drama, that's not what I am after... but its sad that the people who most often read this don't actually talk to me in my real life.  Its not a relationship,

but I am regaining my thankfulness and my hurt.

It shows itself in giving, smiles, connections,   but also in the apathy and the isolation. 

thinking about fertility

SO I could write about batman, spiderman, board games, conversations on education and the history of the world. I could talk about how I miss teaching or how I am trying to learn to be ok with sitting in a place and not thinking about whether or not it is productive. Enjoy multiple forms of lounging, not just sitting in  your room or reading at a coffee shop... these are the things I have been doing.

But primarily my inner thoughts have been coming back to this one issue. Am I fertile?
I am going to be taking a test soon, to see if I have the potential to be a good partner in an endeavor to create a human being.  To create, but first these tests, I passed the first, or rather I chose YES, next its legal matters (in a minute) and then fertility, followed by dr screening.  Then actual attempts I guess. All of which are tests, all pass/fail.
The trouble is that each passed test pushes me further into the "this is something I want to do" category, builds up pressure and excitement for the next... and what if I run into a road block?
Then do I daydream, prepare, consider for nothing?

What do I do if I don't pass this fertility test? Do I ask for a re-do?

How many attempts before they exclude me from the process?

Lacey suggested I write about this, maybe write a book about the process, the thought process and the real process and the research or something.

So I have been looking into these fertility kits, they test for at least 20,000 million sperm count in a sample that should contain anywhere from 20 million to a hundred million.

Its been hot out. I switch to boxers. I have been trying to eat fruits and veggies and drink lots of water. I need to get some exercise and lots of sleep and not be stressed.
But what if that doesn't end up being enough?
All my cousins and uncles seemed to have no problems, maybe I am genetically set.
But maybe my cell phone and lap top have hurt my chances. Maybe this damn cyst which seems to dully ache daily will turn out to be a factor after all. Maybe my poor sugar and salt diet is an issue, or the fact that i am lean, but fat in all the wrong places...

So, if I am... what then?
DO I want to see this kid once a week, once a month, once a year?
Do I want to ask to be a God parent, an uncle, a family friend?
Do I trust myself to be there, to contribute, to be good?
What if I screw up?

What if something happens and I love the child and it is taken away from me?
What if something happens and I leave the child after creating a relationship?

What if something happens to the child?


This is something I want though. I think I am pretty sure this is a spectacular opportunity.

Watching Les Miserables on youtube, a sort of anniversary concert, not the actual play.

Its really nice.

What to talk about. 

I have no thoughts, this is the trouble with commitments to write.

I saw Les Miserables in Winnipeg with Nikki at 17.  We had run away in the middle of the night, arrived in Winnipeg early the next morning as my car filled up with water due to a broken air conditioner. The sunrise over the Winnipeg fields listening to The Big Wu,  was one of my favorite things in the world at the time.  I have just a few memories of the trip, Nikki in boxers, taking out money from the bank to see the play (all of my money). Worrying about her anxiety disorder.  Wanting to explore and run away forever. 

I am amazed people can make music so beautiful.

But tonight it clouds all the thoughts from my mind, and makes it hard to write...

 

some pictures

I think all the major things in my life are going at a pace that is significantly slower than the one I am used to, this coupled with the fact that I have immense amounts of time on my hand = Mike feeling super unproductive and somewhat unhappy.

Its basically that, even if I put a bunch of energy into something, everyone else is moving at a slower pace. So how I will be delayed by them or whatever.

Like if I work on school stuff, well I can spend an afternoon designing classes, and it may all go well and good, but then I don't actually get to see them played out for over a month and a half.

Or I could strategize about the year, but same deal.

I could do spirit of truth stuff, but I need the rest of the group to move forward.

I could do my own projects, but where is their value if I don't have anyone to check in with, or celebrate with if I accomplish them.

I dunno.

I might need to leave town.

1:25 in the AM

I think this boredom and loneliness is starting to take its toll. I can't tell if the insecure things I am thinking are real or just thoughts.

Things keep breaking, my cd player wont play cds, my comp's sound isnt working properly (I have to use headphones). Its annoying when you are home much of the day.

Tomorrow I have nothing.  Sat, Sun, Monday and Wednesday I have plans so far. May see a show on Friday of next week, but tomorrow I have nothing.

 I had a list of 4-5 topics to write about in cases I couldn't think of anything.

lets see

*south armerica

*fantasy child arrangement (I am going through with at least the next steps)

*insecurity

None of those seem like great topics

The south america thing is that I am learning a lot more because of the book I am reading about the history of indigenous cultures and civilizations in South America and it is ridiculously fascinating. 

 Makes me want to spend 6 months there, which is good, because I am pretty sure that I am going to within the next few years.  

Its also one of the only things that has ever made me fascinated with textiles. 

Spanish conquistadors  found that  Inka woven armor was as affective and more agile/versatile than their steel plates, so they ditched their armor and "went native."

The Inka language may or may not have been only verbal, there is a significant amount of evidence to suggest that quipu were actually a "written" form of communication, the quipu served minimally as an accounting device, but some suggest that using the knots in a binary fashion, along with the total amounts of variations of string and knots, one could produce more "characters" than any of the written languages of the time. Meaning the Inka language may have been transmittable through string...

anyway I strongly suggest the book 1491

Fantasy child arrangements... 

Well I just don't know.  

in the last episode of man men I watched a lady was telling Don his fortune and she said basically that the only reason he wasn't part of the world is because he saw himself as alone.   Is this the human condition or just a guy thing or what?

 

22

missed yesterday
I have a headache.
It is 3:25  I haven't had anything to eat or drink yet.
I should probably go remedy that.
I will try to post later.

Mike with very wet braids that smell like body wash

Nightmares

The first I don't remember well, distinctively I remember only a few seconds. I was huddled on my back holding someone else, as if to protect them, but I wasn't doing a very good job. Above us a large and looming person with violence their intent.

I remember pleading, very briefly, it was as if it invigorated him, his reaction to immediately stomp with hard boots. So large,  it seemed they would crush right through my face with one blow.

And as if they did, I woke up. I felt there was someone in my room.

In the second I had to repel him, this time it was my father, there was only one way, consecutive blows, I had to fight him off. It wasn't so much that he was fighting back as that the only way I could push him back was with blows to the face. I had to, I don't know why, but it needed to be immediate and physical. 

The third, I was the first to the dining hall. I remember being confronted on my apparent lack of patience, as I had already served myself something like an appetizer of bread and eggs or something before anyone else had gotten there. I allowed them to fill up the tables, everyone dressed alike, like bootcamp, white tshirts tucked in to pants and boots. 

I spilled something, or someone did, and though there was a sense of urgency I decided I needed to clean up the spill, after all if these were not the circumstances, I would clean it up. So I must with dignity, follow through. I was careful to get all the drops of the sticky orange syrup. 

By the time I had finished it was my time to get food, NO, they were vacating, the food was being taken away, the others were filing out, I had missed my opportunity.

It seemed vital I eat, fill up, the last metal steamer had a few pieces of burnt bacon, on top of what seemed like tater tots... I knew I didn't want the tots, but I grabbed for a handful of food to wrap up in the pancake like foods on my plate. I did this just as they were taking them away and I was grateful for the food. 

As soon as I had finished, I noticed there was only the one other person like me left, and he was working with a mechanic, he seemed off limits. I walked out the hallway nervously. I knew it had begun, not that I wanted to do anything about it... but quite quickly someone attacked me and I killed him just as quickly. 

I stopped by the open door way (that seemed like the board room at school) and taunted them, as if to say bring it on, and immediately three of them ran at me. Two entered the room behind me (the center room), I tried to explain it was a joke but they were ready. 

The one looked familiar, I will call him V, as I tried to explain to V that it was just a joke, he said he understood but now it was too late, and I continued to step back putting the table between us. 

In the room we were in there were several of my allies in the corner, but we had taken them off guard and they were innocents. It wasn't like they had killed anyone before... so as the other one who had entered came around the table (lets call her J) I instinctively grabbed at her, flung her into the table, against the wall, up to the ceiling, I was incredibly strong and she was like a sack of nothing by the time I threw her bloodied corpse down the hallway.  V was shocked and didn't know what to do... I let him go.

My team seemed off guard, and I approached the other door to the room to shut it... but when I did that A started singing or rapping down the hallway. It was as if he was putting on a musical, his gang kept pace behind him, but he had a gun, and he was gunning for me. I was clearly the biggest threat, and though his tiny stature would be nothing without the gun, I was scared. 

How many bullets would they give him, I backed into my room again and shut the door... my team tried to hold it, but a close range fight broke out, and I was somehow wounded, so were others... but A was out of bullets and I knew he would be quick to fall...

I ran though, I was bleeding, my belly had cuts that needed to be stitched and I couldn't do that inside the building so I stumbled through the streets into a back alley medic. He seemed startled as if he had been watching the thing on tv, and it took threats of violence for him to see me. 

We were in a small dark cramped changing room, he was prepping me for stitches in the biggest cut and I was using an alcohol pad like a moist towelette to clean the wounds when the bug landed on me. At first I wasn't alarmed, but as i tried to brush it away, I became aware that it had begun moving towards the open wound, more urgently I swatted at it. Then suddenly it reverse its body and dug into the wound, laying eggs in me I tried to pull it out, but only got parts. A new rush of adrenaline knew this was dangerous, and then I awoke.