a picture i stole off a friend's facebook
i discovered cool settings on my camera
illy and emily
see no, hear no, speak no (i was trying to tell jared how some of his friends dress alike.... i should have just showed him this picture.
there was a dance party.... i dont think this picture was even faked.... people here are just always awesomely over the top and funny and dramatic, and crazy... its fun, good times...

Mike, no one would argue with you that you couldnt try to make something work, it might even be better than half of them out there, but would it be real? probably not, and why put forth the effort if all it is is emotional masturbation, you might as well stick to what you got and try hard to enjoy it.

i dont blog anymore... i dont know why... i been writing people, and talking out a lot of what i have to say...
the school thing is fun most of the time... its a strange mixture of being confident, comfy, excited and incredibly insecure at the oddest moments...
just like assistant teaching over the summer... sometimes in the middle of a lesson i suddenly realize im playing a role, rather than being me... and i jump back in to me... and get happy... but when its hard, stressful... when the results arent coming... i question... and thats ok... but being someone else doesnt help get the results... kids see through that shit.
friends...
this last week has been hard... i have been trying to not let it get to me... but illy sort of said it for me... she was trying to be there for people cuz i wasnt... and all week i have been feeling sort of guilty about that... its not my place... and how proud i have been to hear the results... get togethers and people holding eachother up... how wonderful to know that my friends can count on eachother, can come together and get over their differences when it matters... its that sort of blessing that will let me know that i can leave this world at any time... and things will be ok.
thats sort of nice... it makes me feel really proud, and full of love for people... at the same time... i wish i could be there, be a part of it.
friends...
Morris has been nice, and hard as well.... a sort of strange mix of fun times and excitement, and really sort of depressing... heartbreaking... stress and depression. Its cold, not everyone is sure they are on the right path. when they smile, no when people arent smiling in morris-or making random shit up... you know there is trouble, and there has been some hinted at trouble lately. not like the sort of drama, but hurt. and how horrible a feeling that is when it permeates the air, when its penetrates more than the cold winds... shit... thats awful to feel in this place that has so many good vibes. but i think maybe the world had their high a month ago... and now they are having the test part... the sort of struggle... to see how we learn... and you know what?
i got faith.
we gonna make it.

family...
shit i dont do them justice. I have taken all that they have given me and flee-ed, and i think they understand and respect that... but how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to watch your love gone and spreading out to others with none left to return... some day. some day.


In a few weeks I will be very stressed and also very excited and happy, and probably really hurt... im just guessing all this... but uh... this next week i have a full week of teaching 5 classes... and then the praxis (state test for teachers) and then some work... and them thanksgiving... and becky's return... and inevitable heartbreak...
and then back here again... and then... i dunno trying to stay active in a place that i will be ready to flee from, wishing i could take the smiles and craziness with me.

well past the point of needing to post.

What to say?

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend, celebrated some birthdays and saw some friends, but realized halfway through that i hadnt brought home the things i needed to do all of my homework.... now im back at school and i must've left em at the high school cuz they aint here.

bought the serj tankian cd.... fairly good...
watched some movies: 28 weeks later, day watch, a mighty heart... definitely enjoyed day watch the most...

last friday I taught all day... heres a run down:

I went to bed at about 10:00 the night before (the earliest i have gone to bed all year i think...) but woke up at 2 AM and then struggled with sleep the rest of the night... till 7 AM... when i dragged my ass out of bed and in to the shower... did the normal things..
left for the high school around 8:30, went to the media center area to get a projector -for my power point.
it worked...
first hour starts around 9:15...
The regular teacher had a ton of announcements so I really only got about 30 minutes with the students... but that was ok.
I had them take a pre test, gave a lecture with a lot of "hey guys give me some ideas on what you think this is..." type stuff, and then a post test... most of the kids got anywhere from 1-2 questions better... on average... but actually many kids got 4-7 more correct, and others got 0 or (had a few negatives) but some of those 0's were because the kids already knew most of the answers... so its a little hard to evaluate how much learning there actually was... but in general they did better. they even used some of my nmemonic devices.
that was 2,4,6 hours.... 3 and 7th are 9th grade civics, and we played the current events challenge with them, which i have gotten used to doing... its basically like a group challenge... they pick a category and a number and then try to answer the question...
inbetween 4th and 6th hours i had to run to campus to attend my own 12:00 class... which i showed up late for and left early from... so that was fun... and then...
after all 5 classes and my own class, i packed everything up (too quickly i guess) and ran home to get a few more items... then drove home. (3 hours to st paul)... dropped in at Illy's hung with morgan and illy and emily, then we all went and spent too much at Aimee's new work... they drank, and i sober cabbed... some more cats showed up... it was a good time for me... then uh... we left and i got a movie i think... something like that.


i dont really have anything to say. that was friday...
you enjoy yourself.

post removed...

i was sort of making a joke, and apparently didnt come across right... so thats gone...

Im falling in love with Taylor Mali

though i am certainly part of what he may criticize in this poem... i like the idea behind it (the spacing is all messed up)

"I’m for reckless abandon and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all, like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between. To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking wet and smiling breathless;“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise, multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell, injustices that make you mad as hell, that’s all well and good. And as far as writing poems goes, I guess you should. It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released, brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me, honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me. See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining, which does not harken to the loudest whining, but beats and stirs and grows ever more when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles, nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.For the unconditional love of dogs: may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.For therapy when you need it, and poetry when you need it. And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,even if it’s only Emergency Champagneor running through the sprinkler.Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar, for the delicate and the resiliant and the fragile human heart, may it always heal stronger than it was before.For walks in the woods, and the for the woods themselves, by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.Window seats, and locally brewed beer, and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining, and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses about what you are against, despise, and abhor. Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you, put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!"

(heres some dramatic bs)

words alone, never could save us.


wow i just got so sad. something about reading old letters from loved ones, remember fondly meeting and enjoying some one new, that falling feeling in all its scary vulnerability. "that first night" maybe its just this song.




I think im gonna need to run away soon... or I might be lost again, and that seems a strange contradiction... but I usually find what i need the moment I leave, turn around and am some how able to hug even more people.


Some days I think about the relationships I have had, and regret how quickly I said I loved them, when really I was saying I would... and I did, but it wasnt till the trials, when I realized how much I wanted to give and often couldnt. Its not the vulnerability that makes you love someone, its not being open, its having them rip something from you without meaning to, and instead of drawing up inside yourself... you reach out to give them anything left, assuming, trusting that they know you well enough to know whats good for you. The assumption that they will do the right thing- based not on their current state, your past or theirs, not their troubles, their hectic life, but because you know were the situation reversed you would do everything in your power to let them know they were loved -and if thats not how they feel.... well you'd rather face that hard conclusion than not have trusted.

Sometimes life does get in the way though, sometimes they are too hurt, or you are to do it right... thats ok. Sometimes its just the situation, or the conflict of interests or the differences in personality... thats ok... thats heart break... thats good for you. but personally... I won't ever assume i'll ever be over it. when random words or pictures or memories or smells or touching makes me cry unexpectedly... well thats a tear to smile for.

you can lead a man to city but that dont assure civility



im sort of amazed by the songs i have in my head in the morning when i wake up... often times its hey ya and depending on whether its the sad version or the upbeat version one can tell my dreams maybe... today and yesterday it was "no regrets" which is the lucy song from aesop rock.
no regrets... maybe my dreams are telling me to paint.


I find things that shouldnt be funny, hi-larious
and at the sex scene-sang along to the dawning of aquarious
Alicia and I would both go alone, but hey thats just our style..
still sometimes we get criticized for playing frisbee in the aisles

HMMMM what to talk about...

Well I am home this weekend... trying to fit random things in... so far I have hung out with both sets of rents, my brother and his girl, illy and gabs and amy a.... went to a roller derby game that was awesome, went to church and pretended to be a judge. havent had time yet for homework or computer games or drawing... slept a lot.

from laurel's constant suggestions i decided i should buy sid meier's pirates! (the second version) but i havent played it yet, and honestly I dont think i should until i get caught up in my classes... just in case it is as awesome as she says... a few weeks ago i bought some computer games, and have played 1 of them for about 5 hours total... which isnt actually that much in 2 weeks.

I am hoping it was the break, or the stress or the weather that made the last week or two a little different... but if not... welcome to the new period of old.... my great time of monkeyness is gone... im not using good words, but that is part of it. Its like a loss of energy, and seeing things clearly or rather beautifully... and maybe its just exhaustion...
I dont know how laurel and emily are doing it, considering they must have been just as stressed... and now they are roaming around san fran... i hope they take a day to chill.

last night i went to the roller girl derby with james and julie.. they have a friend who plays, but she wasnt playing last night. I have never seen a more entertaining sport... its sort of crazy... sort of like lacrosse on wheels... and without sticks or balls... just humans. we were in the second row... which meant u sit on the ground and people come crashing in to you.
we only stayed for half the games but even that was like an hour and a half... and we got to see an awesome hiphop dance group before hand... a few of the kids could make it seem as if they walked on air... or slid without moving... it was amazing.

hmmm.... i watched some movies the other night... and it was nice.... i want to watch more, but blockbuster is so expensive... and i think my time would be better spent reading the book i have to read for class... or planning my units....


I questioned a lot of my beliefs today in church, i wonder if i can still call myself a christian... I dont know if what i believe is what the church says... but i know it has a lot to do with what christ said.... still... what if i dont think you need him, or dont believe he is the son of god... or dont believe he is god... anymore than the rest of us?
Im not sure about it... but it wasnt questioning my faith, just my religion... and i still ended up feeling quite blesses and teary eyed by the last song...

I guess it was just weird to see all the ritual, the church, the songs and sayings... its like... this is not my religion anymore is it?
Im pretty sure i believe in something more transparent.... more relational... more inside of yourself and around you.
and a church seems a strange place to find that connection... not that i havent before many times... and grant (my step dad is the pastor) said some great things during the sermon, that made me wonder if any of us who are educated within the church, really actually believe in the whole thing, or whether they are going through the motions, because thats how all of us grew up within the church, and thats how we learned to find our own path.
much like jesus growing up jewish and sort of interpreting it in a different way..
but am i anything then?
am i all of it?

you know that character... the drunk guy who thinks everyone is mad at them... theres always one of these guys you know.... i was that guy tonight...
only problem is, im pretty sure some of them actually were..
and im not sure what to do with that... because although a little obnoxious.... i wasnt totally out of line tonight or anything. I wasnt even drunk half the night, just felt sick, but was still having a good time... thus acted looopy... like when u are sick and not miserable.

i was happy to see everyone having a good time tonight... but i was feeling extremely young and insecure again... like these people dont actually want me around, just put up with me... and a lot of it was that sort of sarcastic game people play where they just pretend to be angry with you... but you dont know... do ya?

someone asked me a question... which meant a lot to me... this was my response after a few days... (im sharing this because i think it is bigger than just her, and i would like to share it with everyone.)


I know it may seem really dumb, but im amazed you would give me a second thought. I always have such high hopes for long distance stuff and i just dont follow through... but once again if i can be honest, i often feel like writing you and asking you the same but chicken out because i feel like i must just piss you off...maybe im being too much of a 12 year old.. I often tell my friends they need to have faith in our friendship or in me enough to understand that i wont judge them for little human things... but I cant seem to get it through my head that i need to trust in other people not to judge me on my flaws..
whats beautiful? tonight was my first day in a while when i felt at all like things werent always beautiful... but by the end of the night i felt good again. what is it that is making things so beautiful?um 2 things... the first is, im working at a highschool with a cooperating teacher, but i love it, it seems like where i want to be, it feels comfortable, it feels exciting. the students are fun, the activities are good... etc... the teacher today took me aside and said you know what mike, you are ready to teach... and he then spent the next 5 minutes saying it again in different ways, until i really felt the compliment rather than just sort of shrugging it off.. it was really nice.

the second thing: i started this semester off, and much of the summer wondering where my love of people had gone... then i met a whole bunch of new exciting people, i have crushes, i have excitement and warmth... and its nothing like -wanting to be in a relationship with them... its meeting and making friends with interesting amazing people... and even more, its having someone who is so amazing come up to me and say "mike i want to tell you about myself, because i know you will care." its not an ego thing on their part, its opening up... and knowing that they will open up to me makes me feel like i have some sort of purpose, some sort of special quality... and makes it tremendously easy to look around and see how beautiful other people and life is... it makes it easy to see their gifts, what makes them special, and makes whatever gives them excitement beautiful too...so happiness in that sense...im doing well... and i love people.

and the fact that you dont hate me, and ask.... well thats amazing you know?
so please, if you feel you can share... tell me the same..? tell me what is beautiful, what is ok, what is reality, fantasy, what hurts, thrills, comforts, confuses and on and on... and even if i dont always respond..
i can assure you i will cherish it.
peace and love to youtaff

I guess I just havent known what to write about lately... everything seems too dull (at least from an audience point of view) but every once in a while i check the stats on this here page... and it surprises me how many people seem to check this... and even people i couldnt possibly know... (say hi, thats what the comments are for)

I have homework to do, but instead why dont i give you some basic info... just to let you know.. in case you know?

um I was born in Dixon Illinois and even though the city has a monument to lincoln, the last time I was there I decided I would never go back because i saw like 3-4 confederate flags... and thats just not something im down for. My parents lived there while they were getting their masters degrees. We left when I was 2 months old, and came to mn.
I grew up in St. Louis Park... which is where my heart often resides.. at least with the people.
I enjoyed school and now want to be a teacher.
I like to visit other countries, i like shocking things.
I love humans.
I write, draw, paint, make videos (there are links to all of this) I also act like an idiot a fair amount of the time... the other times i am sometimes way too responsible and mature... though i dont often feel the need to bring this side out when im in morris, unless someone is talking about something personal.
I go to school in morris mn... at the U and i am in the ed program.
I have a strong feeling I will be fired for being a good teacher at some point... or rather for telling students the truth.
I enjoy music, it moves me, physically and emotionally...
i am sort of materialistic about things like music and movies and computers...
i have several instruments but dont play any.
I fall for people really quick, but not to the point where I want to be in a relationship... just to the point where I really worry about them.
I hope to be a good influence on the world, and part of this is derived from some terrible things i have done in the past, and hope to make amends for.
I have like 2 secrets that i dont share with anyone, but other than those i am an open book, so much so, that i dont know what to tell people when they ask for secrets or special traits or anything.
uh i take pictures of people all the time, and im sort of creepy about it, but i do it because i love the pictures... i like the idea of trying to capture just a second of a person's personality on film... but i am often disappointed with the results... so i just keep trying... and each click is a possibility.
i wear two pairs of pants in the winter, and never wear shorts in the summer.
this is mostly because im cold, and have body issues.

i am a dj. I am a member of a few groups, i tend to play a leadership role in things, mostly because when i dont, i have such a big mouth that i always get involved anyway.

i am generally well received... but im unsure how many people know me, and how many see me for the image i project for them. the few who have seen me, forgive, but maybe dont forget... and thats hard.

I am a middle child.
I am a bit crazy but care too much to leave this world behind.
i am a believe in the religions of the world.

I feel god often.

I love, but am not always the best at expressing it,
i end many a letter with
peace and love to you
-taff

The problem with faith is that its not that you cant express it, its that you cant express it in a way that people will understand what you are talking about.

Thus I want to babble about a beautiful night, but the big things are always the same...
still let me tell you that a cat doesnt just walk up and sit in your lap, hes telling you something... dont ask me what... cuz i never figured it out... but its true. and also the sky was all lightning but there wasnt a storm, and that planet or whatever it was seemed bright as the moon and big too... and there is a sort of creepy beautiful calm intensity that comes with walking the streets at 4-5 am cuz you are pretty much talking to yourself or god, and one way or another anything seems possible.

I desperately need to post.
I was just thinking of a certain dumb and dumber quote, that I probably shouldnt ever write on here again, just in case someone found it and thought i had mixed motives for being a teacher... its not like that I can assure you.
"but like I told me dont dwell"

um anyway... i got like 2 mins...
I have class today, and 2 major assignments due later... but i got to go to mahs first...

listening to a lot of Rancid's "lady liberty" lately... its pretty swell.
uh more this weekend im sure... i will have the time.

I was sitting at Reeds and trying not to hurt, im not sure what it was exactly, maybe bittersweet beauty... but certain songs make me have certain memories... certain moods lead to certain desires... certain people, thoughts shared, situations...
I was loved once.
sometimes im brought back there, so often lately im pressed with glimpses of perhaps something of that nature again, but not immediate, some distant future thing that is different and not the same (and anyone who has ever loved persons knows exactly what i mean by that) and lately its not with someone. but everyone... and thats too impersonal when secret desires are not of lust, but rather wanting to cry over the love you share with someone. cry cuz it hurts to love deeply like that, cry because it hurts to feel accepted for the first time.
***

So often lately I am unashamed of the gifts I have been given. The one gift. and I say it when people ask, or tell me, because Im egotistical, I'm proud, I say "I know, I'm good at it, but I dont try, its the way i've always been and I love it, but you dont have to be so afraid. taken off guard... it hurts me that you react this way, because it must mean something, were you not shown attention or affection? do you not know how easily love comes? have you never been the center of a conversation? dont you know you deserve it? Dont you know you give off a beautiful quality that I cant quite capture, or understand yet? and Im not gone when you share it.. I dont have to be...

Likewise:

I feel so guilty lately. the biggest flirt. dont show a whiff of indifference. Dont be too honest. dont let them down, they dont deserve that. and if they dont show interest -take comfort, you couldnt please or ease their situations anymore than you have. you're only good once so dont let them get too interested.

And when you take two people who have struggled with their identities, their hidden taboo sexualities, struggled to find what was taken or mysteriously given, the hardships, the guilt, the interest, the hurt, the search for meaning, for connection, for understanding... and when they come to terms, and feel comfortable discussing that which they have found and figured out, and when they place no judgements on the others who are doing the same... dont storm out in disgust or anger.
For they revert to having no one but themselves to blame.

isnt this picture jawsome... it looks posed but actually it was
(well in the "hey everyone picture" sort of way)


couple new poems on the poetry page... um they are religious/violent/interesting/weird/controversial?





well at least the one. maybe both depending on the crowd.





Uh i am hungry... but im not sure what and where im sposed to get my grub on today... dont know where or what im doing...maybe doing some painting.

ok its 2:30 am.... and to be honest i may not have a clue what im typing right now.

Its sort of a hard position to be in when people have expectations, or feelings they dont share with you... but some how expect you to fulfill. I could give several cases right now... but rather than that.. I will assume you are all well aware that occasionally this happens in a relationship and we can move on.

Now what to do?
*I like to be respectful of people's feelings, even when I am unsure of what they are, because I feel like sometimes we should just assume that if they could, they would tell you... or maybe they are personally trying to deal with it and would actually prefer the space... or so on and so forth... its important to respect feelings, feelings are valid regardless of the situation... they should be respected...

but...

sometimes when people dont share, be honest or whatever... or act dramatically... in some sort of fashion to express those feelings.. or try to get attention for them. (we have all done it) the other people can have multiple reactions to that sort of thing, but one of them is going to be confusion... because they dont know the situation, they may interpret the feelings incorrectly... so this confusion can lead to a variety of counter-feelings... such as defensiveness, anger, etc...

Im currently experiencing some of that... because I dont know what I'm supposed to do.

Does one go to a friend, when they havent been called out and try to make amends for unknown greviences? or assume that a friend would come to them if they had some complaints?
Does one support honesty and communication by bridging the gaps when another hints?
or does one wait till the other works up the strength to committ themselves to the relationship, by moving past their own feelings to try to make a connection where they feel one is lacking/declining... thus the reward goes to those who put forth effort.

Now Im pretty sure I am in both positions right now with different relationships... but Im ok with the ones where I withdraw on purpose because Im not sure I actually value the type of friendship I was getting.

At the same time, I am underappreciating many of my friends, simply because I am not near them, to relate to them... and in my closest friendships it goes without saying that that is ok... because the moment im back with them we connect...

but I know there are several people who are wanting more... and to be honest right now....
although I am willing to try... a good portion of me feels like i shouldnt have to. If they cared they would make the effort... not test me on mine, not judge me when im genuinely busy, or with other friends, or tired or stressed or too depressed to put forth an effort...
and many of those things i am not right now...
but I am trying to make a community here, because I need it... and in that I will accept that people need to come and go... I will head down to the cities when I want to... I will hang with whoever i want to.... and enjoy it. because thats what they should be doing too... and if they want me around...
Im very thankful.
Im very thankful that so many people have been so kind.. supportive... understanding...
I love it.
but I wont baby them unless they ask for it...
Because truly caring about a person and respecting them requires a level of integrity, believing that they will act the right way when the situation calls for it.
and I will expect that from the people I care about because I believe in them.

Sorry for all the pictures... i figured I should update... but havent really felt like writing lately... I dunno.... maybe nothing to vent about.

The new dr.... looks kind of creepy.
ah arent they adorable?

I always remembered her as a very smiley person
Thats my gabs....

GABI!!!!!
we were at whole foods...
Athena makes funny faces...
Illy tried to hop on morgan... he was saying no, but clearly his body was saying yes.
and then we went to perkins and broke the fast at like 2 am.... nice jobs guys geez...

Mike the Rock's guitar picking fingers....
i caught her in a bad moment i think
Ingrid was trying to show Jared (not pictured) that Jenna was hers now.
Mike the Rock in Laurel's Amurican suspenders

Look at the reactions!!

Whats next after they tell you a living wage is too much to ask?
Convince you to settle because they have the power.
No one gives a fuck because it "doesn't affect" them, but when they come for you who will be left?

This is the way capitalism commits murder.

Of course no one is dying from not getting the extra 1.50 or whatever it is per day. But if they cant keep up with a living wage then what are they forced to sacrifice? How good of a job do you get from those who are too stressed to operate productively? How do you build community when those who hold it together, who manage the little things, are sick, tired, anxious, from working two/three jobs, from trying to get by on not enough food, from freezing just a little bit more in the winter and exhaustion from heat just a little more often in the summer.

History has taught us that people lost their lives for our safety, for our freedom, for our security.. but I'm not talking about just soldiers here, I'm talking about the unions that brought you the minimum wage, benefits, weekends, labor protection laws.
I'm talking about the people who gave up a lot, so that we could go to college, so that our families could become middle class, so that we could buy our bullshit ipods and computers.
The people who gave us hope about a "good job" in the future.
The same people who we let fall now, without support when our state representatives have already guaranteed them the money...

Whats next?
you are.

I keep listening to the "Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks which is a beautiful song.... and in context I think the lyrics make a lot of sense... but every once in a while I think about how in many ways it paints a picture of a relationship i would never really want. (I think the song is about those moments when you would want it. like when you are having a really bad day, or you are sick, or you are scared or whatever) but the majority of the time... if a relationship kept the world from me.... well hell that wouldnt be a very good relationship at all would it.

still because of the context and everything -gorgeous song.

"If you grab a hold of me, tell me that I'll never be set free. Im a parasite, creep and crawl I slip into the night. Two pints of booze, tell me are you a badfish too?"

8:22 cant tell what the weather is like. "one match left in my matchbox, and i hope to use it wisely."

FORT!!!!!
front entrance
inside
from sunroof

Perverted college students
Immature college students
bi-curious experimenting college students
sexually deviant criminal college students (hot cholocate laced with roofies)

Yeah I know im writing a lot today, suck it, i got nothing else to do...

So remember how I was talking about how the 9th graders all had horrible punishments? i told you that right?
a friend of mine was complaining about another students lack of empathy, in fact their pleasure at killing some sort of bug the other day... and i was wondering if it is better to deny these pleasures like cut ourselves off from our horrible viciousness drives and feel horribly guilty every time we do them... or to become aware, comfortable and maybe subdue them with understanding...

sunny day is sort of emo/alt/grunge sometimes abstract jesus-y cuz the singer was born again like twice while the band existed.


but anyway... i was talking to laurel
discussing how I have no one im taking care of anymore... for the first time really, and i spose thats part of my strange lonliness... but it also feels good right now... it doesnt mean i dont care, but im afraid i think to be too involved... i both want to feel needed and am afraid to be.

I can think of many reasons why i would be afraid to be....
but i guess i didnt realize how much of an impact that has had...
when i was talking to illy, and she confirmed that i had gotten more bold, abrasive, less caring in my speech...more honest... and it reminded me of the times she has been this way... times when she needed to withdraw to recollect..
but i dont feel like im recollecting... i feel like im just being less caring. and I recognize it when it happens... and I dont always like it, but i've gotten really good at listening to that side of my conscious... that devil is a temptation, when hes not offering new paths torwards self destruction but rather slightly altered paths towards wholeness... and i say devil, because devils are not so horrible, just honest. where as that angel always told me i could do it, didnt need to hold back, cared and would be cared for.
I think I respect the devil for this, but I would rather follow a real leader who inspires than a leader who tells me im human and will get hurt.

I think I need some sort of spiritual experience stat!
Oh quick rewards you are truly a temptation...
but the slower route....well
The last few days have reawakened parts of me i have missed... and it felt really good... but on this path, i wont be ready for anything any time soon... and though relatively happy... how does one be happy without following a good path. without trusting and caring? without giving more of themself than they can bare...

i was reading dani's copy of The Prophet last night...
joy and sorrow...
truly the same...

remind me i can do better. help me find a way to be better.

(this isnt a guilt thing, this is a happy desire)

Im sorry if you never got in to sunny day real estate.... but we can always try now right?
believe me you're missing something beautiful.


on another note... a certain local philosphy musically awesome person doesnt like john frusciante because he had a bad experience with a kid from highschool who was probably like me... but i find this sort of funny... because i can think of songs that he would play, that sound a lot like jf...

So Laurel said something recently describing her poetry as not being good for speaking, or reading out loud or performing... and in some ways I think she is right about this however, I took a poetry class last semester and the people who really stood out were the performers, but that didnt necessarily mean they had the best poetry, the best line that spoke to the crowd or beautified something. But that sort of literal poetry (for reading only) is really something remarkable in people who do it well.. and its really nice to have her blogging these now, because she has some really impressive pieces. I dont think there are many people out there who are good at that sort of poetic craft work, sure i enjoy running in to them, and havementioned a few on here.. I really enjoy adrianne's or Aaron I's work, I think people create masterpieces that somehow capture not only a moment, or a feeling in richer terms than i can even think, but they do so in beautiful language... which to me is just impossible sometimes... im constantly frustrated by the fact that i really dont have a great vocab... I use small words... im impatient. I rhyme for flow because its the best trick i know to mask the lack of actual beauty.
This gift these people have may not always be something I praise out loud... but I am forever impressed by it. And I really wish there were more ways for these people to show off.

Im trying to record some spoken word/poetry tracks of my own for a project....
its fun, i enjoy manipulating my own words and sentences and using accents or different intonations... Im often surprised by the stumbled over imagery, but I know its not obvious to every one considering i dont always even notice when i write it.

Introducing Jessica's blog Yumi Lover Life and Laurel's Amazing Poetry page Through the Bedroom Window
also
Emily's livejournal and sweet art page Punxsutawney Days

every little thing makes me wanna cry with jealous smiles, im probably just tired but what a world.

((((edited shortly after... actually it hasnt all been good... i spose im fairly worried too... but i dont know what to say about that)))))

311 is almost always a good way to wake up.

"now you're wakin up
face to shaken it up
we know of an extended field
this is the deal
letting and getting the vibes we want,
open up your heart and proceed to feel
now youre inchin up
to the summit
never plummit
boot your system up
and then bare with the middle
finger up, why you so abrupt
baby dont be corrupt" ~SA Martinez on "Sever" any long time blog reader will have seen that at least 3 times.

oh illy says im more hard ass than normal, and she said she liked it... but i dont. so if i say something hurtful, or too boldly, put me in my place... even if what i said was the truth.

man so far my reading for ed classes is really slow, but easy and usually self explanatory or something you learn in psych.... so whatever...

emotional lately... as in sudden tears at things... and it feels real, real beautiful.

today I heard some shit on this american life, the program was about the voices in our heads that keep us from being who we want to... and the first story was about a soldier who returned from iraq with PTSD and was afraid and hateful of muslims and arab people... but somehow worked through it to join the muslim student association at the college he attended and became an active member to help people understand that muslim people werent evil.
the second story was just a collection of interviewed people shedding light on what its like to be addicted, or compulsive about something to the extent that it took over their life... and that was really hard... also considering i was reading Illy's abnormal psych book today and it reminded me of some people who deal with some shit everyday... and how hard it is.

i dunno

this friend of Lacey's really impressed me, not because he doesnt have some bad side, but because in a lot of ways he proved that people are people, and good, and even if you dont always trust them or support them, they are worthy of your respect... simple gestures like saying goodbye... politeness is key.

Im pretty sure I have been signing everything lately with the wrong month... saying it was october when it is september.... this is bad. I wonder if anyone has noticed and been really confused... I should probably stop doing that.

also, the day started out sort of depressing, but at one point I was surrounded by beautiful women and interesting men. and I ended up enjoying the night a lot... even if we didn't go to the concert.

Lacey gave me and her friend a concert at park tavern.... it was pretty great.
There are some people who dont know how great they are, and thats why they stay great.

nice car ride back.... dont remember the girls name, sounds like she has a fascinating life. they were friendly.
so tired.
super sexy single types walking lake street, like pros, like pros.

sometimes i just write cuz its been too long since the last post... you know how it goes.


this one goes out to carl sandburg
because laurel doesnt want me to blame her.

um jerk face.

anyway... lets see... the WRC (read morris feminists) or the other way around... had their first meeting tonight... and well... we may be in over our heads but were headed... and thats what counts right? right?
the idea this year is to have new people in the group grab hold of whatever they collectively decide to do with the name and the group and run with it.
so far that means planning take back the night in the shadows...but soon it willbe given light... we hope.


*******
in other news... i took the day off... in a sense...as in i had the morning to myself and went to the rally on the mall for AFSCME which mike the rock was covering for the new KUMM radio news show... and uh...
that was cool.
uh also i had class this afternoon... and uh... my teacher likes to teach by example... which sort of means that she is treating us like the jr high and high school students she used to teach... but she has some energy to her... and i think she is entertaining...

*******
this whole next section is probably a lie I tell myself.

I sort of summed it up for mike the rock today, the reason i am actually worried about my dating life and what not... its not cuz Im interested in people and have high standards... its cuz im not interested... and havent been interested in anyone since lex... and thats really weird for me..... its not that im not enjoying myself... i have really enjoyed hanging out with people lately... and this summer when Illy came home my world lit up... and even the first few weeks here i have been constantly missing her... but i havent really had those crushes... or anything... and thats weird because... well other than that brief period after becky before lex... and maybe like before 2nd grade... well not even then... i guess only that one time... and even then i had crushes....
so this is weird.
I dont have any interest in anyone as more than a friend..... i thought it was just the post relationship thing at first... but its sort of lasting.
and thats whats rough about it... cuz i am looking. but everyone i meet seems like they would make a great friend to me and nothing more.
i remember having crushes in preschool... in italy (high school) and India (college), I had like 6 crushes each in those short periods and none of them were like big deals... i didnt want any of those people as more than a friend then either... but i was sort of captivated by them... right now im not captivated... except by ex girlfriends... and then not even as bad as normal...


thats sort of a weird phase to run in to.
maybe i need to run away again.
maybe im just not being honest with myself yet and i am too guarded to admit things...
but i admit to people i find them attractive... or that i want to hang out with them a lot... i just dont want anything more than that...
i need new people... and the ones here are too young or maybe too sane... or maybe not right... or maybe involved... or maybe out of my league... or maybe too weird.... or maybe not weird enough...

just not as fixated on people as usual... thats hard for me.

a follow up on something from that last post... i wont explain the situation just this:
You don't have to give up your morals, interests, personality, culture etc to enjoy experience or respect other cultures. All you have to do is give up your preconceived notions that your ways are better.
You don't have to have sex with a prostitute in Amsterdam, nor smoke or do drugs or drink just because its legal, or its the cool thing to do.
You don't have convert to Catholicism to enjoy a church or church service, or wear the veil and pray 5 times a day to enjoy a mosque.
You don't have to slaughter a goat or sheep to respect a Sheppard.

It doesn't hurt to do these things, unless it hurts who you are, if it means compromising your beliefs and values then don't do it.. respectfully decline.
"experiencing another culture" in its entirety is a myth, you can do your best, but you will still have natural biases because you are from another culture.. and that's OK, enjoy the differences, enjoy the fact that other people believe differently, eat, speak, dance, pray, express, relate, act, live differently, and in seeing that... remember that they are still eating speaking dancing praying expressing relating acting and living as you are.

wow flood emotions.

Something about telling a vegetarian to eat meat for the cultural experience.
Something about the beautiful pictures happened upon today, makes me feel amazed, blessed to have eyes, ashamed to have expression.
Something about the music, inspired conflict, extremes of personal and societal idealism, both cases turned to sad weak human imperfection. still the care.
Something about being tired, something about worry, something about procrastination, longing, desire muffled.
Something about nostalgic loving, wanting to love people who are otherwise engaged, just to see them smile sometimes.

For the record, this time of being single -mixed with the last year or two, has actually made me more egotistical and more willing to admit things I normally wouldn't. At the same time, less judgemental and more sympathetic to people I normally wouldn't be.

This is opposite of the normal routine, either thats growth or i have been traveling sideways for quite a while.


The best teachers care, they dont just read from the text, they add to the normal history and give the history of all things. they care, they dont hurt or punish, they sympathise, but are wise enough to set high expectations. they give breaks where breaks are needed and support at all times, but especially the important times. They admit mistakes, they dont set themselves higher than the students... they see that all people have something to offer, and hope to make the environment and society in the classroom a place where all people feel comfortable enough to offer what they have and learn from everyone else.
I think 2 rules for my future classroom:
Respect all people, (yourself, peers and teacher)
Respect the environment in which you live and learn (its yours, use it dont abuse it)




i'll see you later my lovely man if i can.

What a day.
Hard to describe in simple terms.
I think the trick is, having a wonderful conversation with someone, or someones.
Painting, singing and watching beautiful people be beautiful.
Falling in love with old friends, from thoughts, pictures and shared experiences.
Dreaming of love.
Listening to JF,
and ignoring the heat.

************************************************************************
Write more thankyou notes... and make it snappy mike.
tomorrow...
homework and thankyous.

Mouthful of bees
my music snobbery has gotten the best of me... i cant stand it, not the music snobbery the attitudes of the people who claim they hear something that isnt there... well on 2-3 songs it was aight... I went to the myspace of the band and it sounded much better, but still wasnt pop sensible.. the lyrics arent clear. the drumming is the best part and the guitars are too simple to be intiricate complex interest music, and too mundane and non-popish to be something like grunge.... so what are we left with? a fairly simple sound (minus the drums) that isnt that catchy... and isnt complicated, and isnt all that interesting, and doesnt evoke emotions, or mental interest, it doesnt sound like any category of music, it sounds like a band trying to be radiohead's later stuff, minus the sensibility and thoughtfulness.

and apparently this is the next big band from mn! oh joy!!!
and I say "maybe I dont get the new music" and people tell me its not a new sound, it sounds like 5 other bands i havent heard... and I think... well maybe these guys are just the boiled down version of something that once was worth listening to...
although their produced shit on myspace isnt half as bad as the actual concert. but once again i say its the drummer that makes the band.. and if she wasnt so in to it, and people werent so bored and tool like, they might recognize that the band sounds like possibly talented people playing garbage disposal music. (as a last give in, they did play about three songs that sounded worth listening to, but three 4 minutes songs that i would possibly care to hear again in an hour is not my thing.) im not even sure if there were choruses, so not much hook.

The second band, the hopefuls sounded hopeful at first, (even though they started their first song with about 4 bars of something that sounded like everclear, and i always disliked everclear) a sort of college shitty version of weezer? a touch of the weakerthans? some harmony an understanding of pop... but then as they kept going it was obvious that their lyrics sucked. their sound wasnt actually great, none of them played interesting or beautiful solos.. the keytar (sp?) didnt add very much... the drummer sucked. the only thing that was aight, was that both the singers actually had decent vocals... just not decent lyrics.
too simple, too 14 yr old girl pop princess.


both bands might be able to pull it off given the right circumstances... like say 14 yr old girl audiences... or apparently morris freshmen and half of my friends while slightly intoxicated on sun and wine.

I think SLP ruined me... I can admit the angst in half of the bands... yeah but that was ok THEN. I can admit that there were some ripped off influences... but people attempted to come up with their own style, a different style for each song.. a different hook, a different chorus, a meaningful song lyric, or a performance that they put some effort in to... maybe it was the jazz program, or the fact that good musicians actually worked with good musicians and left the rest of us out. it was elitest, but we had our places, and bands that sucked didnt get much time on the stage, but even when they sucked it was because they were attempting something better like a new solo... or a new harmony, or an intense moment of emotion... sometimes they slipped and tripped but people could tell they were trying... or i could...

bands these days dont even look at the audience. they dont sing to the audience. they dont play with their hearts. they dont realize they suck, so they have big egos, and when people dance... its usually cuz they want to have a good time... not because the music moves them... even the people who liked these bands today, werent moving all that much... it wasnt pushing them to move, it wasnt reaching out for their hearts or heads... just sort of echoing off the walls... and loud shit... well some people stayed around just because it was something to do.


needless to say im a douche bag elitest asshole -but despite the annoyance I had with the crowd for not demanding more... they were beautiful.