Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

i dont blog anymore... i dont know why... i been writing people, and talking out a lot of what i have to say...
the school thing is fun most of the time... its a strange mixture of being confident, comfy, excited and incredibly insecure at the oddest moments...
just like assistant teaching over the summer... sometimes in the middle of a lesson i suddenly realize im playing a role, rather than being me... and i jump back in to me... and get happy... but when its hard, stressful... when the results arent coming... i question... and thats ok... but being someone else doesnt help get the results... kids see through that shit.
friends...
this last week has been hard... i have been trying to not let it get to me... but illy sort of said it for me... she was trying to be there for people cuz i wasnt... and all week i have been feeling sort of guilty about that... its not my place... and how proud i have been to hear the results... get togethers and people holding eachother up... how wonderful to know that my friends can count on eachother, can come together and get over their differences when it matters... its that sort of blessing that will let me know that i can leave this world at any time... and things will be ok.
thats sort of nice... it makes me feel really proud, and full of love for people... at the same time... i wish i could be there, be a part of it.
friends...
Morris has been nice, and hard as well.... a sort of strange mix of fun times and excitement, and really sort of depressing... heartbreaking... stress and depression. Its cold, not everyone is sure they are on the right path. when they smile, no when people arent smiling in morris-or making random shit up... you know there is trouble, and there has been some hinted at trouble lately. not like the sort of drama, but hurt. and how horrible a feeling that is when it permeates the air, when its penetrates more than the cold winds... shit... thats awful to feel in this place that has so many good vibes. but i think maybe the world had their high a month ago... and now they are having the test part... the sort of struggle... to see how we learn... and you know what?
i got faith.
we gonna make it.

family...
shit i dont do them justice. I have taken all that they have given me and flee-ed, and i think they understand and respect that... but how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to watch your love gone and spreading out to others with none left to return... some day. some day.


In a few weeks I will be very stressed and also very excited and happy, and probably really hurt... im just guessing all this... but uh... this next week i have a full week of teaching 5 classes... and then the praxis (state test for teachers) and then some work... and them thanksgiving... and becky's return... and inevitable heartbreak...
and then back here again... and then... i dunno trying to stay active in a place that i will be ready to flee from, wishing i could take the smiles and craziness with me.