Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

thirty ideas for poems and no time and no intelligence or memory to figure them out...
I started writing a song on dan's guitar and planned a beat in the hall on my hands... and then we ran to old no fun for food.

So...


My mom always wants to set me up with nice girls. Usually insanely smart, seemingly perfect, nice sweet girls... and she recently said she found another one and wanted to know if I wanted her number and even more... she suggested she could break their professional bond so that I could date her... ughh.... what a weirdo...
So im home over break and she shows me the girls picture, and yeah thats fine, but she seems genuinely disappointed when I dont ask for a number... and I wonder if my mom doesnt know anything about my life... as if one new random woman is what I have been missing this whole time.. as if the reason I am single is because I havent happened upon a single girl since my last relationship, as if any random good person would be what im looking for.
as if i hadnt met a hundred thousand. and I was thinking about how screwed up this is, last night while trying to write becky an e mail... that didnt quite work out, so i sent her a story instead...
She is going through a process, a time in her life where she is happy to meet new people, to explore, to be out there adventuring... and each person gives her something and she moves on, and thats good for people to go through at some point... its not a heartbreaking move, its a move of indepencence and confidence... part of my trouble is... i get that from friendships... but I was thinking how "unfair" (in that poor me kind of way) that the few people I have chosen to date havent been in that same place.... hadnt gone through that phase... and so i get really confused by my feelings for these women... because to me they were the ones I chose... not regretted, not a notch on the belt, not a step up to somewhere better... not settling, but choosing, exhaulting, adoring, loving... and so when I hear of their other relationships... and notice I am not that to them... its sort of a blow. It also makes me really insecure because I feel these other gentlemen must have something I dont, must be "beyond" me in some way, more mature, more stable, more exciting, more intelligent etc... and though we all know that somewhere out there is that person.... I get these swings of jealousy because i seem to be so easily replaced... and its that desire to be special which makes me so weird right now... that and not much more... its a good check on my ego... mike you arent the best teacher, you are one of many and thats not a bad thing, you arent the best friend, you are one of many and thats good, you arent the best lover, you are one of many and thats good, you arent the best boy friend, nor the partner they were looking for... its ok.
Its ok. accept the change. accept the experiences, dont want, dont drive yourself insane with questions of how to improve, or pity, just deal with it... have faith.

still if you ask why im depressed, or sick, or tired, or weird... its cuz my ego has been checked... and Im questioning where I should go with all this information. Its a contemplation that I'm not sure others could help me with, but Im writing which means im coming to some conclusions.... the other reason I dont necessarily want or know how to talk about it is because its not the top priority really... i have been really enjoying the people I have been around.... even if im a little withdrawn... so thanks for being there... sharing your time and energy... I'm aight... I'm just going through healthy adjustment, without a lot of input from others to guide me.

Thus i will ask you what you want to do... because Im not really sure, and i like to hear your thoughts.

(This note has been to me, but also laurel and a few others who have asked lately... u make me smile... thanks)