There are some nights when loving so many people seems like a curse, though I know it to be a collection too vast of blessings, yet how should I keep my heart from bursting? How should I contain it?

I get overwhelmed with missing, such soft understated things, so that I can’t really describe with poetics or shouting what it is that I long for. Can’t share what I would call beautiful with others because words don’t have the proper depths for moments, or I don’t know them (others seem to do it beautifully). Can’t explain heart expansion, can’t explain mind explosions, and can’t explain yearnings felt with more than one organ at a time.

The relief normally sought out, is so petty in comparison that I feel contempt for shallow release. Some nights I want love and nothing else will do, so I seek the million miracle memories and the high tide waves crash through me. Leave me bruised with love and longing. Leave me close to tears and sometimes flooded, have left me stomach sick, have left me sleep deprived, have left me writing or painting, have left me singing and dancing, have left me stomping through moonlit streets until exhaustion, but not completion. I am a romantic caught up in the body and rules of a shy hurt boy, always stuttering and never in the moment able to proclaim love,

but I feel it.

And of the things that will doom me, I fear it, holds the most strain on my heart and it, only it,

keeps me here.

Doing that invisible thing

Been thinking a lot about people I care about lately. Unfortunately thinking about- means almost nothing in the tangible world of showing you care.
But its hard you know... like how do you get across to someone miles away that you would like to hear more about their day. How do you keep up relationships.
Much of this has been fueled by Becky leaving, but she isn't the only one I have been thinking about. Thinking about the lost friendships, thinking about the ones that matter when they are in town, and who I think about but never contact when they are gone.
Melissa and Nikki, Chris, Gabi, Zach and Pete, tempted to throw someone like Jenny E in there just to see if I could convince her it mattered to me once. What about Nova? What about Nona (Kristen)? What about Tim or Elizabeth? The ones out adventuring in Europe or teaching in Asia?
What about the lost ones, Nikki and Lex?
Thinking about someone daily doesn't really do the trick to make it matter.
What about the hundred friendly faces I have waiting here at home?

This weekend I was thinking simultaneously as is often the case how blessed and how lonely I felt. My weeks are filled with smiles and conversations, coffee and dinner dates, of people not quite pushed away... because I do care and once depended. But without the constant verbal insistence, what if only the every 6 month conversation, does it still show?

My dreams of you are not my hands reaching to hold you, but my heart still pumps to keep the blood you offered warm. In the warmth within me somewhere there is still a sectioned labeled "home" with your name on the mail box, and forever and ever a welcome mat (and at least dreams of hugs for your homecoming).

The thing about acknowledging blessings is that you don't want to give them up, nor seem ungrateful... and I have a thousand miracles to make it up to.

How have I still never seen this band live?

From the first preview I sort of knew what I was getting myself into.

Something about something...

I watched a 2 hour movie for myself, by myself in the theater.
I hadn't thought it would move me.
But there is something about the behind the scenes, that maybe directors count on,
knowing full well that they can touch the sensitive strings,
they flash a story on the screen, but allow the familiar image and sound to drum up for you what inside had stilled
and slowly melt away the layers, so that by the end
it isn't about the two made up characters who don't deserve each other, but about the desire to be loved and forgiven, that brings us to tears.


During the previews a stupid looking movie made me smile and I wanted to share that smile with someone, to feel that connection of guilty pleasures, but no one was there, and from that point I could only see in every character present on the screen every moment of love and doubt, of fragile beautiful humanity that I had ever witnessed from the first person -and in the moment wishing, as I often do when seeing it on screen, that someone would slap me for being so stupid.

Oh but I do have friends, and they make me cry, for all the right reasons.

This weekend I was reminded of how blessed I am in a variety of ways.
People laughed, and shared with me and supported me.
I don't know that they understand how much it means to me.

I really wish I could explain things better.
or had the courage to say what is on my mind sometimes.

Some combination of the rain and Illy being gone has made me a complete shut in. I know the fact that I haven't really called anyone to hang out is probably the primary factor, but lately I feel like I have no friends.

from the facebook

Today in our group class we discussed the concept of internalized oppression, which is when a member of a group takes on the oppressive beliefs and values of their oppressor. My very smart students gave example after example of internalized oppression in their own lives and the world around them as we got deeper and deeper into the topic. My co-worker who was leading class showed a video example (from a classic study) of children who at 5 years old already know the differences between lighter and darker skin colors in this country, know how they will be treated and thus prefer lighter tones. She talked to the little kids about why they preferred the lighter tones, one little girl pointed at her own skin and said she would rather be lighter because dark skin is sometimes "nasty." Similarly another young person when asked which skin color adults dislike instantly pointed to the darkest shade. You can watch video of this here:

http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/17/ac360-series-doll-study-research/

or an awesome video here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybDa0gSuAcg

The sad thing is the 1947 results are the same as the 2010 results.

A 5 year old in this society can tell you all you need to know about racism in America, but we have politicians and media personalities and all types of people who insist racism is a thing of the past.

The lesson continued with all these examples of what internalized oppression can look and feel like. There is no doubt that it can lead to self hatred, shame, insecurity, confusion, anger, frustration etc... and of course that's all in the 5 year olds in the video.



I remember having this lesson set in stone for me when a South African Pastor visited the church camp I attended one year. He said Apartheid is pronounced "apart-hate" and thats what it does, it tears you apart and makes you hate yourself. As an example he told a group of young teens what it meant to be so internally oppressed, he recounted being a boy in South Africa, being told over and over that white people were better than he was, that they could do no wrong, that he was worthy of nothing, not even their leavings and he believed this so much that when a white man went to the bathroom on the other side of some bushes he and his friends considered tasting it. Because they had been told white men's shit was like honey, because they assumed it must be... because it was the opposite of theirs.



In class today we talked about internalized classism, ableism, ageism, sexism, students gave examples like their mom saying "damn that must have been a woman driver(because it was a bad driver)" or another mother telling her daughter that she should be more realistic with her pursuit of being a doctor, "try being a nurse" -probably the "realist" attitude of a mother concerned about the welfare and the college bills and the years spent training, but the message to her daughter sounded more like "You aren't smart enough." I brought up how these isms are so institutionalized that we can't even find the proper words to explain them... "What does ableism mean?" a student asked... "who's that against?" I reminded them of the movie Murderball, a room full of people who are labeled quadriplegic, who display more athleticism in an hour banging their wheel chairs to score goals than I do in a whole year... but which of us is considered "able-bodied"?

So we discussed these things and the effect. Entire groups of people labeled inferior so they inevitably take on the mantle of this lower calling, and do the work of the oppressor for them. Not finishing high school, not seeking high paying jobs, not taking themselves seriously, overcome with such pain that they don't seek the responsibilities nor the rewards of life anymore.

-I recall reading (just last night) about how slaves in the south were labeled lazy and stupid -though it was against the law to teach them to read and of course against the very nature of slavery for them to benefit from their labor... so what did they do? They rebelled in every day life they played into the stereotype because the system didn't benefit them either way. Quiet rebellion, quiet fury (and quiet self hatred) that spilled over into challenging the system, on the daily (refusal to work, stealing, lying etc) and on the occasional open violent rebellion (the reason every plantation owner slept with a gun by his side), unfortunately the stereotype is the same, and the system though different is still oppressive. 1/7 people in this country is below the poverty line, 1/4 Blacks, 1/4 Latinos, I am sure its even higher for Native Americans...

but 1 of the 2 major political parties doesn't see the need to let the bush tax cuts go and they represent roughly 50 % of the people... so along those lines regardless of who is who, %50 percent of the people must believe that the wealthy deserve their wealth and the 1/7 deserves their poverty. More than likely some of those in poverty are dealing with the shame, confusion, self-hatred (their own internalized oppression) they believe they deserve their poverty, so though that %15 could swing any election this nation could have... they won't because they won't vote, they won't vote for their own interests, no one will take the time to bother asking them what they want and nothing will be done for them (*cuz they are lazy).

I have students who are homeless. I have a hard time getting out of the bed on gray days... imagine getting kicked out of a shelter into that cold. Imagine spending the whole day thinking about how you have to go back to that gym, or that church, or if you're lucky that dorm set up for homeless people. Imagine realizing you are now one of those stigmatized "homeless people." Imagine what it feels like to realize that through no fault of your own (but it doesn't feel that way) you are living with your cousin, or your friend because mom or dad lost their job... because mom and dad are dealing with the extraordinary depression of finding out they are worthless(to society), and now you by default are also worthless... why finish high school? Why bother trying at all? Why not OD on the cheapest pills you can find so you aren't a burden anymore?

The sad thing is when you are thinking through this information... when you are really processing it... it starts to make sense why you wouldn't challenge it.

One of the categories on the sheet we were reading was about heterosexism, the idea that one sexual preference is natural and good, while any other is not (putting it kindly). Oppression is all horrible and there is no doubt that any of these lead to the most painful emotional struggles in our own minds... but this one seems so much more insidious (*maybe just because it hits home).

One line on the internalized oppression beliefs (used in the example) simply said something like "I don't deserve to be who I am." -Others who don't deal with this, struggle to understand but this is where we have the high ranking republicans who spend years trying to destroy people suddenly realizing they are those people(Internalized oppression). How could one not in a society where we have clear as day examples where people who have every legal right in this country state who it is they love and suddenly have those rights revoked (as if there was any legal reasoning that would justify it). This is where we recognize that one of the major factors in those who commit suicide(especially at a younger age) is sexual orientation, "I don't deserve to be who I am."



When people say things like "You can be anything you want in this country" or "all this talk of oppression is the liberal media bias" or any of the other ridiculous things...

Do they not read headlines?

One of the major political parties wouldn't even discuss the idea of allowing people to serve as who they are(!) in the military today.



How am I supposed to teach about this great country where people are allowed to be themselves (NO), well then at least people all have the same rights (NO), well then people are allowed to try to make themselves and their position better (NO), well then people are allowed to at least have their say and complain about it (NO), well then at least someone will talk about the issues (NO), well then...



I'm not saying other places are better... but we had a real discussion in class today about real issues and the students (Drop out,at risk, probably on drugs, irresponsible, stupid, lazy, inner-city, no good very bad teenagers) brought their own examples, they didn't need ours, why can't we expect that from our leaders?





***********

I didn't want to fill this with links but just look at the papers for a second and all of this is confirmed.

Its amazing how such little things can make your whole world seem so dismal. I was reading about the complete and utter intentional destruction of human beings and human cultures earlier tonight, and that made me teary eyed. I was hearing about people's bad days, their rough spots, I listened to songs about racism, and oppression and saw headlines of genocide and slavery, and that got me gloomy too...
but selfishly there aren't many things that make me feel so devastated (and yet its such a regular thing) as thinking about or looking up that fetish that seems to define me-inside.

I was looking up self help groups, support groups, therapy.

One page was a mother worried about her 14 year old daughter... asking for help to cure her... and the people suggested psychiatry... but the mother said she was upset not that the daughter was.
Another an 18 yr old discussing his shame since the age of 12... and he was begging people for help stating he had the will if they had a way.

My therapist said that having a paraphilia was similar to having a differing sexual orientation... the coming out process was similarly difficult... I told him when I was 12 I had the confidence or the guts to tell people I was gay, or bi or whatever (it was easy enough because it meant standing up for others too) but I could barely talk about the other thing. Who am I standing up for? me and a bunch of folks I will never meet.

I watch this guy on youtube... hes a hypnotist. Hes kind of a weirdo... I probably wouldn't like him in real life... but at the same time I have a soft spot for him. He is foot fetishist... I don't tend to have any interest in feet, but as far as paraphilias go that is a normal one. He keeps going on facebook and youtube to defend it and it bothers me because he is right that it is not something he should be ashamed of... at the same time he is making it everyone else's business... and it seems like such a private thing. My therapist said this is the gay pride parade of fetishists... that they go overboard to reclaim what has been hidden so long. It makes sense... its just -no one wants to know.

I'm supposed to write a script, a monologue of what I would say to a friend or loved one.
I can come up with 50 different things, 50 different descriptions, 50 justifications, or the 2 or 3 I have convinced myself of for a time. This is the small step before I tell someone. You know I haven't even directly told my therapist, I don't think.
A friend of mine once got really close... she asked if I was into like 5 or 6 things and I said one or two of those... but I'm not gonna say which.

and I spent some time thinking tonight about, trying to figure out, how it was that I got that girl to love me... for a while. Wondering if there is still a part of her that does, and if any one else could, and if so... how do I get myself to believe that.
That hypnotist did a video for not being shy.... there was a part where he says "I want you to know that you are a good person... you deserve to be heard... respected" my eyes were shut but they started tearing up and my lips trembled and my jaw clenched... I don't think people are supposed to respond that way when people are trying to be nice to them.

I deleted this post once already... lets see if I post it. Thats a challenge mike.

I was thinking about seeing a movie but I think I have spent too much money already today.
I spent like 60 bucks in 6 hours.
I got my laundry done... but thats only half the cash.

Today has been an odd day. I think its weird to have the day off, I slept until the time school gets out. I did some reading at the laundromat... one of the 4 things you can do there... the others being 2) try to learn spanish from the tv and all the conversations 3) people watch and eat a candy bar 4) fantasize about all the people you see there, about the would be conversations, romantic interests and life changing experiences.

I am listening to System of a Down (SOAD), its amazing how this band fits certain moods. This one being the kind of angsty-fuck it mode.
When I was folding laundry and singing along to "Spiders" (the really high parts are fun) I realized I don't get in this mood all that often anymore... and that I sort of missed it. It happens mostly on nights like these when I have spent some time alone and part of me just wants to break through the wall of self-pity and just be energized, angry etc... but I am not really angry... more just alive. SOAD is really good for feeling alive sometimes.

A friend was remarking how her dreams seem to be at odds with each other... I brought up that Mason Jennings song "which way your heart will go" because he says "where would I be right now, if all my dreams had come true" (the song is in reference to his family, and how he wouldn't have them if his dreams had come true, a sort of bittersweet realization, and yet he feels more complete without the dreams) ... I was thinking about that when I left the laundromat and how I pretty much subconsciously live by the idea that things will happen to me and be good, rather than trying to choose my way to reach them... I am not sure it is all positive... I was thinking specifically of relationships and how I have almost always allowed them to happen to me, let the other choose me, and only asked when I knew they would say yes... etc.
It requires them to be sure, to ride the wave of choice into my life, rather than me to say "I want this"
and since that hasn't happened in almost 4 years... I haven't had anything.

except friendship... lovely friends, I was also thinking (after folding laundry) that without my friends I would be a very sad person. They call me up and get me out of the house, when they are gone I am pretty much lost in myself. Illy has been gone for a week and a half and I am struggling after work with no one to talk to. I know I could call people and I occasionally I do.. but I am not very good at pushing, asking etc.
I think its funny, I spent like a week worrying that a friend was mad at me and missing her and wanting to hang out with her, but I never picked up the phone, I never texted, I barely even said anything on facebook... but when she asked me to hang out this weekend I was totally relieved and stopped worrying and everything was great, but I couldn't have just asked could I? That would be too much right?

Weird I am...
There are very few people who I feel comfortable calling... and I want more.
Another to be excited by, to feel comfortable with, to remind me I am lovable. To rely on me. To reassure me 12 times a day that they want me to call. Then maybe I could.
Then maybe I wouldn't do my laundry alone, sing alone, coffee and icecream alone, movie alone, writing to who knows who.

Not that I don't appreciate you who are reading...
But I am relying on fate and it seems fate is letting me learn my lesson for it.

remind me to do this

http://i.imgur.com/ZLryF.gif

Reading through the archives of this 8 year old blog is sometimes a really enjoyable experience.
I find hidden gems, old jokes, interesting rants, lots of secretive language describing people I still love, the same angst filled understandings and lots of weird ass language that really surprises me... I forget how natural it is for me to write weird shit...

Well I was gonna sleep, but why sleep when you can think about death.

So Ben Cohen put this up on the facebook, and I having not much knowledge of the leonard cohen (famous musician/poet/writer) listened and thought "I know this song...."
and realized dark dark dark covers it.
But I have to say I like the version here better. It starts a couple minutes in (after the interview).
Obviously the time of year is why ben was posting it.

Also.... facebook keeps doing this thing where it puts both of the ex girlfriends I am currently facebook friends with on the side of my screen and asks if I want to contact them. I find this extremely irritating because of course I want to talk to them but I don't always have anything to say... I don't know how to make things normal or fun or friendly with the one and the other doesn't even use facebook that often. I think its weird because I know that facebook has one of those things where it tells you more about the people who you talk with or whose page you visit, so it makes sense that they both come up (facebook stalking is what I do... what can I say) but I don't understand why its always those two... not the other 5 people I facebook stalk.

wow

This may be the least amount I have ever written in a year. The poetry blog hasnt had an update in 8 months. I spose that piece a few posts down could go there... but in general I just havent been writing. I come up with poems and songs and let them go with the wind that blew them into my ears in the first place.
I think there is a lot of good going on in my life, so I haven't felt the need to write or complain... I have been seeing friends so often that I don't need the retreat to my private (public) journal... I have been going to counseling so I have an outlet for some of the more private matters... I had a kickass roommate for a while and even though she is gone I still get to hang with her now and then. My other roommate and I are spending a lot of time watching movies and smirking at the cheesy shit on tv...
I also just feel extremely boring.
I wrote a bit on my trip, but it wasn't anything too crazy.
Work is extremely fulfilling... for now. I love my coworkers... I just really enjoy their presence. I wish it felt more natural to break some of those barriers down and hang out with them outside of work. I am really enjoying just laughing and joking with the students... there is a tremendous amount of positivity in the air and its addicting ... so much so that when the students are suddenly having a bad day it feels really stressful... (wish me luck for winter) There is also clearly a tremendous amount of learning going on at all different levels... I helped a kid learn some basic math and he was so charmed or whatever that when he saw me walk by the room today he waved me over to help again. Its funny because I think my math level is really low right now so I am just barely ahead of him... meaning when he struggles to get through one but manages I also feel like I accomplished something great because I barely understand it myself.
By the end of the day the kids wake up and get into the discussions, they are intimidated earlier in the day but by the end they are all sharing their opinions.

Today we were discussing the concept of democracy (real democracy -majority rule shit) I had the students do a reading, find a definition and examples of how it played out in ancient Greece, then real descriptions of how the popular philosophers felt about it, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, not big fans of the democracy... but why?
Eventually they could recognize the positives and negatives... and felt fairly strongly that majority rule wasn't a great concept... but then instantly they were asking questions... why do we still try it? why try to improve it? why not go with something else? What else is there? etc etc... and they are simple questions but then you follow their line of reasoning for a second and pose another question... all of a sudden I have one student who sticks after class and says "I think it would be best to have an impartial group of outsiders who could hear all the different sides and make a good decision because they aren't personally invested." and I say "yeah I like where you are going with this, but we have that its called "court" she says yeah but that doesnt work... and I say so we have a second court a third court etc to look after the first one... anyway the whole process is fun because they are working from the ground up... its just cool to see how they end up thinking through the same things people have been thinking about for thousands of years... and it takes place in an hour in front of me.... I'm such a nerd and its golden.
Its just really really fun... really teaching is like the most fun ever.

I just wish I could share more... had the opportunity and the right medium and the right way to say or show or have them act out so that they would all have those breakthroughs just constantly brain matter splattered everywhere from the constant expansion. Tasmanian devil tornadoes of learning. Sometimes it feels that way at the end of the day... like everything is just too chaotic... but other times its just simple beauty.
I had students in my homeroom develop goals for the day, week, month and trimester...
one of the students said "I want to create a LGBT club next week" (I have noticed people generally say the initials they identify with closer to the front) she put up posters before the end of the day, and I got to smile and let her know WE WILL get her any books or movies or anything she thinks would help. She asked a coworker about it when she was making posters and seemed hyped when she realized she could lead the group herself (without teachers interfering, though of course willing to help).

In the last week I have heard students say that this school or this curriculum or this environment or whatever has changed their life for the better at least once a day.
I have also seen something like 10 graduates of the school return in the first two weeks, several asked if they could sit in on classes. We have also had probably 5-10 students who got kicked out return to our school, or show up just to visit and say hi.

I dunno, it just makes me happy, makes me proud.


I have not gone to the gym in a while...
I have not talked to a friend of mine who I really want to call or text or drop a facebook note to... because I am worried she hates me.
I have not attempted to talk to anyone about dating, or mating.
But I have thought about all three of those at least 10 times a day for the past week or two.

These last few days I have been hit repeatedly with nostalgic longing for a girlfriend.

For a long time I stopped being into gracenmichelle but I think I am getting back into them.

Yep thats my story.
I think its because they are so good at being cheesy that it becomes really funny again.

First day of school (year 3)

Um.... the title says it all really. Today we start school. Yesterday we had 36 students register out of a possible 56 spots... meaning we will have to attract and add 20 students over the trimester (yikes). For now 10-12 students per class is a really nice amount. So today I have a light load, US History and Civics... no big deal since I have taught both... actually this trimester will be the first time I am teaching all classes I have taught before... I hope it isn't boring.

Tomorrow is my first day for group class... so I need to spend some time tonight prepping for that.

Yesterday after victoriously completing the school library reorg, I had 20 boxes full of books I was ready to take to half priced books... but upon loading my car I realized I had a flat tire (so not cool). So that will also be added to the agenda for the day.

Boring post complete.

Why is Interview with a vampire the movie so good... while Queen of the Damned is so bad....

zooma zoom zoom

I bought a scale today, I think I may try to get into shape.
People have been telling me I look skinnier than normal... like I lost weight on my trip... I weigh 164 today..
There is part of me that has resisted buying a scale for a long time, because scales bring about really bad temptations. Because scales mean all the secrets ways you destroy yourself, the challenge and joy of cutting from flesh each pound, the games you play, the increasingly self absorbed thought assaults.
Strangely enough, I think I am counting on it to help drive me.
I am going to join a gym and unlike last year, I'm going to go. Gain muscle and hopefully some stamina, do some cardio work so I don't die really young and don't have to worry about losing my feet to some disease I feel destined to have. I am going to stay disciplined and organized, keep a schedule, reward and punish myself. I am going to prepare food at home, eat more fruits and veggies, grocery shop more often.
I am going to deal with the stress of work and other things in new ways, less retreat, more action, rather than passive inaction until it disappears. Try to create behaviors that bring about good thoughts, rather than thinking through everything and hoping it creates good behaviors.
I am going to take community ed classes or something like that, hopefully with friends.
I am going to save enough money that I can take a shorter trip next summer and have the option of visiting Becky whenever I have time and desire.

I find it funny how I recognize you and yet not. As if I thought memorizing every look once would be the completed set. Would mean I had total access for the lifespan, and now I am caught off guard, disturbed and dazzled (?) by a new photograph... is it you? I cannot sense the true weight of things, the temperature, the static in the air... cannot sense the warmth in your breath that urges me to believe such a thing, this mimic of your moment is real. I'd have to hear a confirmation from you to know for sure and even then I'd wonder, what did the sun feel like that day? What were the noises that kissed your ears and who's eyes and who's love attempted to embrace you with a gesture, who's longing to remember these serene moments with a picture kept them from touching your soft skin, your supple lips, your sweet taste? Who made the subtle mis-calculation that kept you enshrined, a digital alter, a token gesture of worship the same mistake I've made a million times rather than gluttonously devour the moment with each sense, and revel in the pleasure, discomfort, torment and ecstasy of the presence of heaven's sacred creation, you.

Trip Facebook posts

Sunday July 18:
Made it to Cancun, have a place to stay. Walked around for 3 hours and got sunburned already (I am pretty sure). Three of my shirts are already soaked from either rain or sweat. I just bought another one for 10 bucks from a guy who ran a store and tried to sell me weed. When the rain stops I think I am gonna go to the supermarket, if I don´t see anything... then maybe try to find that kebab place again. It feels really good to be here, like a part of me that I really like is returning. I will soon be tired and cranky and tomorrow probably achy and smelly... but Chichen Itza awaits.




Monday July 19th:
Already lonely... must mean I have something good going on at home.

Today I visited Chichen Itza, it was a long busride out there with stops at a cenote, some stores and lunch before the main event. First impression was that it wasn´t all that I had hoped... which is sad... but gradually as I walked the different paths and peered into the jungle to see more and more jungle covered stone I realized just how magnificent the city really is. Much of the stone seems to have been stolen away, buildings are covered with dirt and mud and trees but the ones they have excavated are pretty dramatic. They might not look anything like they used to but with a touch of imagination it is truly a site. I almost feel bad about my first impression... but I remembered something afterwards which is that whenever you are traveling alone and see something magestic you almost instantly get kind of sad because you don´t have anyone to share the experience with. No face to connect to when you are feeling emotions, no ears to bounce jokes off and the inner dialogue alone is pretty boring...

My spanish is no where near what I was hoping it was. People speak really quickly and really softly and it makes it hard to hear. But this is not all bad... I mean I have a month to improve.

I took a tour today... I am not sure how many more I will take. I learned more from walking by other groups than from my guide. Not that it was bad... I just couldn´t hear him very well on the bus and it seemed he spoke about 3x more in spanish than english. But I got to hear him speak some mayan which was cool. The tour also stopped by a town near the center of the Yucatan peninsula and it gave me a taste of what other cities look like. On the side of the road there are almost no farms or houses... the occasional store but trees everywhere... trees and trees and more trees.

It rains 2 or 3 times a day and its almost welcome as the humidity builds and builds... the rain only lasts 15 or 20 minutes. But you kind of almost always feel damp either with sweat or water.

A dog followed me to the bus station this morning, he was protecting me from pigeons.

Um..... I wish I had more money. I guess things arent as cheap as I was hoping... still I can totally understand why everyone comes here on vacation... you have all the comfort of home with some of the easily gotten thrills of away.

That being said... maybe on my last day or two I will stay here on the beach and party with the other foreigners, or not.


Anyway... I hope you are well, internet is cheap so let me know whats going on in your lives any time you want, makes me feel like I am still connected... or i will just facebook stalk you.




Thursday July 22nd
Day 5 Belize Caye Caulker
Well internet certainly hasn't been a problem. I am on Caye Caulker an island In Belize. It is one of those tropical island paradises everyone is always talking about. Influenced heavily by a go with the flow rasta attitude. The island seems to be entirely for tourists. Lots of locals walking around making sure everyone has a good place to stay the night and a good restaurant to eat at.
Yesterday I spent about 45 minutes on one of the other islands checking out the main city San Pedro. I am not sure I can handle the island culture.... its too slow. I don't want to go scuba diving, snorkeling etc so there is really not much to do until late in the evening... and I got to catch a morning ferry so I can't be staying up all hours of the night...
I am too lame for belize I guess.

I spent a day in Tulum, Mexico Tuesday... walked a few miles with my gear to the ruins, walked around the ruins fully loaded and then walked back. By the time I got back to the bus station I was totally drained, so I spent the night. I am really glad I did though, it was a great hostel, lots of people. I made myself chicken and veggie pasta and drank fanta all night. I find the pop really goes down easy here... must be the sugar rather than corn syrup.

I am headed to Tikal soon (tomorrow if I make the bus) or the next day.
I have decided to skip Belize City. All the guide books make it sound terrible and everyone who has been has not much more to say for it. I dislike the idea of writing off cities... so if I don't make the bus a part of me will be glad... but oh well.
I am ahead of schedule because I am so jumpy. I can't sit and read a book in this weather... too sticky.
My sun burn is also not so fun...
But the colors around here are great!!! I wish I could count on my camera to bring them to life for ya... but I bet if you looked up Caye Caulker, or Tulum or Tikal you would get much better google results than what I have.

SO the plan from here is Tikal (Flores), Guatemala City, Antigua, Lake Atitlan (San PEdro, Panjatchel, or Xela). I am not sure exactly where I am staying or how long in these places... if the weather is nice (or too NOT nice) I may stay longer.

The its up to Chiapas and over to Oaxaca... then to see Gabi! (maybe I will be ahead of schedule).

Oh well
Have fun!
(Note)
I am almost too safe. Last night I had lobster for the second time in my life... halfway through I was like... hmmm I wonder if I am allergic to lobster? good thing I am not. I also don`t understand what the big deal is about lobster... it was aight.

Friday July 23
I am in Guatemala! where they speak spanish again.
Its a pretty sweet country so far. At the border they charged us 20 quetzals which seems like a lot but its only 3 bucks.... ok that might seem like a lot too, but just to exit Belize you had to pay like 18.. so I´m going with Guatemala on this one.
The people seem really friendly. I am in a tiny little town called Flores, which is on an island... now I am pretty sure around the island there are other towns and things making up the larger area... but it seems pretty empty. Maybe I will learn how to upload pictures here... or maybe not since tomorrow morning I am headed for Tikal! at 4:30 in the AM! OMG! yeah... the guides all asure us it is the only good time to go... otherwise its way too hot and way too muggy and way too full of people to see the cool things like animals. I doubt I will see any Jaguars but I have been promised a monkey or two.
HMMMM so let me describe my night last night.

So I was on this island in Belize, tropical paradise right? except there is almost nothing to do at night. A fellow backpacker surfer type convinced me to go see the fat man for lobster. He only referred to him as the fat man or el gordo. The man was the largest I had seen since my trip began, and apparently people casually refer to him as such when they want to let others know who they mean... anyway, at the fat man´s shack (restaurant) which was basically a grill on the street and a couple of tables... we saw a stack of lobsters (referred to as crayfish since they had no claws) anyway... he threw on a few for us and we talked to some kiwis (new zealanders) for a bit. As part of the deal you got one lobster, all you can eat mashed potatoes, white rice and garlic bread + 5 punch and rum drinks = 12.50 $
I have been having trouble with the alcohol lately so I had a couple cups of punch and donated one or two to the surfer guy.
ANyway.... lobster is aight, but I preferred the garlic bread to tell you the truth... everyone else was raving about it.
So all dy long I had been hanging out with these archaeology students who went to school in canada but were on a dig in a town called Indian Church in Belize. They got ahead of themselves at work and so they could take a bit of time off... so they were on holiday in Caye Caulker -relaxing on the beach and getting drunk at night (which is apparently a part of the profession- they said it was literally written into the text books).
Anyway so hostel life is a bit party, a bit conversation, a bit whatever... and after a day of hammocking and swimming and whatnot everyone wanted to drink.
I can´t say exactly what happened because I had to catch a 7:00 ferry the next morning... but the drinks were well on there way when I headed off to bed and the night before I had been hearing bits and pieces of wrestling matches, karaoke and midnight drunken swimming off the docks... so you can imagine (all of those stories were related back to people who had no recollection that they had participated in such events... it was a little like the hangover).

So last night was stupid hot and I couldn´t sleep, but everyone was walking around half naked, sleeping fully naked and not a bit of shame to be heard of... so when I woke up there were all these people laying about in their birthday suits and I was greeted at 6:10 by surfer dude who reeks of rum and has the biggest grin on his face.
Apparently he had been up all night and wanted to continue partying so he was greeting new arrivals off the boat with drinks in hand... and hugs.


Yep.
He may have said some really strong words of encouragement to me (professing his admiration), but I am not sure he will remember it.


Well... thats all I got for today... take care of yourself and someone else.

Sunday July 25th
The most dangerous city
So I am curently in Guatemala city, I think people have been referring to it at "Guato" anyway... like Belize city before it... apparently everyone and their mother thinks the capital cities of central america are too dangerous to visit. I only spent an hour in Belize city, and it did seem kind of shady, but its also just a small port town with nothing much to show (minus the pirate history and what not). Guato on the otherhand is like a huge crazy mix of culture and people, of conflict and trade, of rich and poor... its massive and spead out over hills and valleys. I spent three hours today walking just one of its 21 zones.
But... someone told me about 50 people are killed per day here. The crime rate is through the roof, so much so that most people don't stay for more than a night, -and then, only reluctantly because they flew in or are flying out.
Its a very international city, there are familiar sites everywhere... burger king, mcdonalds, pizza hut. I went to the rich ass mall today and it looked like a fancier version of Southdale.
There are huge office buildings, fancy banks and restauarants... There is even an applebees a few blocks away...but
there is a security guard posted every 20 yards. The security guards almost always have either mace and a handfun or a no frills shotgun which they keep ready at any time. Almost every building has razo wire on the roof (and though I havent seen it I am sure the poorer ones have the old broken glass... Even the schools, even the kindergartens. The Shop Smart store had a shot gun weilding security guard in front and back... the office max had two watching the lot. Its pretty intense and in some ways it makes you feel safer (I was walking around the richest "safest" neighborhood) but the idea that there are 5 guys on every block with a gun doesn't sound so hot in my head... even the idea that there is one guy with a shot gun... what happens when he gets shot? free shotgun for whatever gang is killing 50 people a day.
Guatemala City is known for its extreme poverty and crime... its a shame this Country that has survived 30 years of civil war can't get its act together to secure its capital.

I am leaving by private taxi in the morning...
This morning my overnight luxury bus broke down (it was the only bus going that way on satuday). I was almost thinking about not coming here... but when I got on a local bus heading the right way for 5 $ and we started coming into the city I realized I had made the right choice.... I would love to visit this city with a guard or something. If it were safe I could spend 20 years wandering the streets, people watching etc. Its a crazy beautiful mix of everything. Its a shame no one can stay here.

I am headed for the very pretty (former colonial capital?) Antigua in the morning. There are three volcanos surrounding Antigua so it isn't all safe... but I don't think I will see as many shotguns.


Funny thing about this trip... I was hoping that when I got to the capital I could finally do away with the old bin in the bathroom thing. But even at the fancy mall they had them in the bathroom.
Its the simple mindless things like leaving toilet paper IN THE TOILET that makes you appreciate home a whole lot more.

Anyway thats my time... I think I may see karate kid at the mall... or read all night... or maybe go to applebees.

(McDonalds had Pollo McCrispy => two pieces of fried chicken, bread, fries and a coke.)

Anyway... this completes my first week.

Cancun, Chichen Itza, Tulum, San Pedro, Caye Caulker, Flores, Tikal, Guatemala City.... been quite a week.


Monday July 26th
Rain Rain Rain
I just got into Antigua and it started out of nowhere. Now I am soaked, I guess an excuse to finally do laundry and stay some where for two nights...
I am really having a hard time deciding what to do in the next week and a half. I would like to slide into Cuernavaca early, I could spend 3 days in Oaxaca and two in San Cristobal... But do I spend a day in Xela? two days around the lake? Cutting it all so close. The main problem is how to see Palenque, most take a full day from San Cristobal, but originally I was going to do it on the way back to Cancun... but I need to be in Cancun by the 17th at the latest, and better yet the 16th so I can relax and buy stupid shit I don´t need (you know to finish off the trip).

Anyway Antigua is pretty cool. Its a lot of one story high buildings cobble stone streets, tile roof things...
I can´t really see very far down the street so everything looks the same until you get up close. The mountains are all covered with clouds right now.

When I got in, the people were every where. Now the rain has cleared the streets but its still hard to navigate without getting drenched. I stopped into Pollo Campero for lunch because I have been seeing them everywhere. Its Guatemala´s favorite non american fastfood.
Apparently they love fast food, because on the way out Guat city I saw 2 burger kings, a taco bell, a pizza hut and 4 yes four Pollo camperos all within two blocks of eachother. litterally there are fastfood places two stores down from the same fast food place.

I was trying to take pictures of everything on the way out but it was really hard because we were moving so fast. I hadn´t had my camera when I went out exploring because I didn´t want to make myself a target.

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to write about is the market.

When I got to the market it looked like two lane stalls, selling t shirts, cds, plastic shit, not much ¨tourist¨stuff but enough that you would say they were meeting some of the tourist needs... but then the stall lines wound around and together, and I, trying to avoid the rain, went from one to the next until I entered an indoor market. The indoor market (like in turkey´s bazaars) has little stalls full of everything... only in Turkey the traditional has been replaced by the tourist bs.... here, not so much. Fruta stalls, brilliant yellow, green, brown bananas, apples in green and three shades of red, pineapple, watermelon, grapes, green oranges (for juicing), orange oranges (from the US, for eating) mangos, weird fruits I couldn´t identify, sometimes they cut them up and sell a cup or a bag or a plate for 5 Q which is about 75 cents. I really wanted a cup of the fresh watermelon canteloup pineapple blend but had just eaten. Beyond these veggies, beyond that breads, beyond that shirts, fancy shirts, t shirts, socks, jeans, pants, cloth for sewing, traditional dresses, spanish dresses, sheets, towels, toiletries, plastics, candles, jewelry, shoes, belts, traditional items, a dining area with fresh cooked foods, nuts, candies, toys, everything you could basically think of, winding and twisting, sometimes in groups or clusters of similar items sometimes on their own. It was brilliant, and colorful and awesome and is something that we don´t really have in the US... despite the paper I wrote a few years ago describing shopping malls as the modern equivilent of the market or bazaar.

I don´t know if it is open tomorrow or i its a one day a week thing... but it was COOL.
I havent really seen enough of anything else to describe it yet...

I miss you. But I am having a good time.

Oh man the BURN!!!! Its like Trogdor came down and smote me. Albi the racist dragon burned me like a small albanian boy.
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 6:09pm | Edit Note | Delete
HMMMM... so I got in last night, by got in I refer to San Pedro la laguna, one of the brilliant little towns in the highlands around lake Atitlan. Now originally I was supposed to be leaving for here today from Antigua, but I got bored. Also Originally I was gonna spend the day in Panajachel (also by the lake) but it would mean no cayaking this morning according the broken english spanish mix I picked up this morning by one of the travel offices.

Well what can I say.... the lake is gorgeous... it may be one of the best natural sites I have seen in my life time... which is pretty ridiculous of me to say seening as I have seen a lot of beautiful shit. But it is really amazing looking today. Last night we got in late... I could make out that there was indeed a large lake surrounded by mountains, but I couldn't see all the little details. I can't now either because the sun is attrocious and hangs like a giant fireclub weilding asshole in the sky, but before I got burned I was rather enjoying it all.

http://latineando.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/cimg32971.jpg

Coming in over the mountains (really big hills?) last night was cool but it started raining and when all you have ever heard about guatemala is natural disaster stories and you see the state of the roads and how very clearly the mountains are falling down all around you and a few months ago there was a giant sink hole that swallowed a building on solid ground and the road is closed all around anyway from places where there was clearly a mudslide and the rain just keeps coming like nevereneding buckets of wawa to make the brown water that is flooding the sides of the streets and all the millions of potholes so you can't see if there is actually road there or not and the clouds are so low that you can't see the winding twisting almost 180 turns around the mountains and the water along the side of the road is going faster than your vehicle and waterfalling down the sides of the cliffs and what not... well thats just fun right?
but it makes you hasty to get indoors so last night I stayed alone in a hotel. And again tonight I will before I leave tomorrow for Mexico.

But its all good really.

Last night I watched a movie on the second floor of a pub eating (for the second time that day) shrimp and chips.
I went to bed after reading about Xela again and deciding that I had seen enough of Guate to feel satisfied. SO its 6:30 trip to San cristobal in the morning. Which meant I had to get my fill of the lake today... SO I went cayaking...

Which was exhausting. I paid for two hours and got my fill (probably only 1.5 hours) but I went out along one side and then crossed over singing musicals at the top of my lungs because no one on either side could hear me... (its way bigger than you would think) I thought it would take me like 15 minutes to get across and it was more like 40, and this is just the little lagoon of the larger lake. On my way back the wind picked up and I was doing three strokes with my right for every one on the left... just to keep from tipping. Of course boats like to come by too...
So now I am burned like a smore on the insides of my legs and outside of my arms... ankle and feet are killing...

This area of Guatemala is full of women who wear traditional clothes which are bright and patterned and make you want to look at them and take pictures... but its rude to take pictures. So... you want to sneakily take pictures. Also you aren't supposed to take pictures of the kids (who are often also dressed that way) because the parents worry... but its pretty much the only thing you want to do (take pictures of people)...
http://images.travelpod.com/users/phoedo/honeymoon.1190141640.women-in-the-market.jpg

So I had a lot of good dreams about friends last night.

I was reading this book about vampires, a Ann Rice novel and it has made me think about relationships.
To the vampires in the book they are constantly searching for people to connect to, the feelings are even stronger than for humans because they feel so alone all the time...

But the characters in her novels are always just really strong attractive sensitive people who fall in love with everyone... and it reminds me of me (without the first few descriptions)... but to be honest its more the idea I have had of myself and not so much the reality anymore.
Anyway... I have been thinking a lot about the power of attraction, what attracts people, how do connections form, is it biological or psychological or social, What keeps people together and what tears them apart, what makes people cheat... etc.

I guess part of this is my life in MN right now, part of it is traveling.
Traveling alone as a male can be sort of a weird experience. It makes the realities of connections a lot more in your face. There are usually more men than women. But also women tend to travel in groups.
There are some people who are naturally outgoing and they draw people to them. There are others who sit around quiet.... when I was on the beach at Caye Caulker it was a really interesting mix of these... in my room were a bunch of solitary guys, reading books, sitting by themselves. In the other rooms were groups of partiers and vacationing folks.

I also had this really weird experience my one night in Antrigua where all these drunk partying folks were really obnoxious and the men were really sort of overly sexually aggressive towards the women... It was all about getting laid, conquering, humiliating, trophies... It was gross.
I went to bed early, but couldn't sleep (due to my 4 cups of coffee that day) and so I spent like 5 hours overhearing all of this all night long.
At times I was so worried I thought about getting up and running interference for the women, but they were playing into it too... and the guys were drunk and aggressive so it made it hard to fathom it not becoming a fight.

But the whole thing bothered me. The girl who slept in the bunk above me couldn't seem to sleep either and I know she was listening. It was her last night in Guatemala before flying home to Seattle and I wondered what she thought about all of it. In the morning she looked like she had slept even less than I... quite a way to end a trip.

|I guess the hard thing though was recognizing that these were the same guys I had been joking with only hours before... and that they were the same guys I might have gone to high school with... and that they were the same guys that I might be if I weren't so easily embarassed, if I wasn't so shy.. maybe I would be more bold and suggestive, maybe I wouldn't care that I was harassing someone if they didn't walk away from me. If they kept smiling and laughing at my jokes. If they were drunk and so was I... maybe I would be all these guys.
And that was part of what kept me up all night, and what I thought about most of the next day... how weird it is to be human, to be sexual, to crave love and understanding and acceptance, to be self conscious and pretend to be confident. To sometimes want to be around people who make you feel like shit because at least they are giving you attention (and LOOK AT THEM)...

so attraction and connection are weird things.

I see a lot of couples here. Young native couples (meaning from here, not necessarily indigenous) who makeout in the park, makeout in the street, makeout at the fair, outside the store, in the mall etc.
Young people who aren't afraid, or maybe are too afraid to do things at home where their parents are.

I see traveling couples, the new ones who may only have been together for a few weeks, or a few months... who touch eachother with wonder, who can't keep their hands from roaming, who look at the other with a mix of lust and awe... or the couples who have been together for a few years... who know eachothers ins and outs, understand looks and gestures, but when they are exhausted they fall on eachother, they become one so easily, not with awe, but with ease as if it was the only natural way to be. Or the really old couples who after a decade or more understand the need for space, who give eachother room to explore and recognize the desire for individual growth... and in doing so allow their relationship to progress and grow into something lasting... because both people are moving forward and neither holds the other back.

I have seen some fights, mostly dog fights, but also some strained looks and some crying on side streets or behind doors.

I have seen some hook ups, not literally seen them, but knew that the people were getting together to explore for the first time... and the stores that cater to travelers are full of condoms and if they weren't then the kids who sell pot to every person who steps off the bus would be selling condoms as well...

But its interesting to try to see what keeps these couples together, what attracts these traveling people to eachother and why any local puts up with any of us...


Oh welll I don't know what I am talking about
have fun!!!



Updated about a week ago · Comment · LikeUnlike


Mike Haggar the title is in reference to comedic things... just in case it sounds awful.

Disruption?
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Saturday, July 31, 2010 at 11:04am
Today I am sitting in San Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico.

I am waiting for the doctor to stop swimming and go back to his office.
I will have to take a taxi (I don´t know how far) to and from the office. I may or may not need to stay here for a few more days recovering.

Now, this is all quite funny in one sense... I am not so pessimistic as to say my whole trip is ruined... but I can´t walk so it may be cut short if the doctor says it won´t heal for two weeks... however I have signs of hope... for instance when I got out of bed this morning it was excruciating pain... but that was because I had actually slept fairly well (unlike the previous days) I had spent long hours in the same position so my legs hurt when I stretched them out for the first time...

I showered today. I have clean hair and clean armpits and didn´t even have to sponge bath it.
I even got the underside of my very swollen feet.

I have been grossing everyone out because I can´t wear socks or shoes... but I think its a teachable moment and that lesson is... wear sunblock.

So the disruption thing, is that I think I may have to skip Oaxaca... which is sad to me... but I can always come back... in fact this gives me a reason to come back (I was starting to worry that I wouldn´t have any reason)... if worst comes to worst or whatever that phrase is, I can take a bus to cuernavaca for the wedding... hobble around a little for a few days and enjoy myself... then take a flight home from there and skip mexico city (meaning I would have a week at home before work).

>Yesterday I did a really dumb thing... having made it through the previous day, I assumed everything would be okay, so I booked a tour to Palenque and back (thats 5 hours each way + bathroom breaks, which I required more than anyone else) and two stops at beautiful waterfalls (that I couldn´t really enjoy) in fact, other than hanging out with this cool german girl, the whole experience was kind of miserable.. a fellow traveler reminded me that severe burns often lead to heat stroke, and I was wondering why all day yesterday I was queasy. I thought I would be carsick both ways... It was pretty awful. I drank 3 liters of water and had some fruit but couldn´t really eat much all day. I thought maybe it was the altitude or maybe the winding mountain roads... afterall I have been carsick on trips many times... and these guys take mountain roads like its nothing.... actually, a small fact here: cops don´t pull you over for speeding here, they pull you over for drug searches and bribes and what not, but as for speeding and other things its all dead policemen ( a phrase I learned in Tanzania meaning speedbumps) and oh the speedbumps, every 500 meters or something... its pretty unbearable, speed up slow down speed up slow down, wind around the mountain.

anyway after the whole day of awfulness I started getting really gloomy... but today things are looking a little better. The doctor will cost about half of what dr visit in the US costs... so what the hey, new experiences all around.

ANyway.....
offr I go
have fun
Updated last Saturday · Comment · LikeUnlike

Mike Haggar SO the update is that I had a minor skin surgery this morning... to pop the blisters and now my feet and ankles are all bandaged up and it hurts worse than before. Also, the dr said if I am not seriously careful I will get an infection that could be REALLY BAD, I didn´t ask how bad, but his tone said don´t fuck around. So I am sort of unsure if I will be here till the 18th because at this point I can´t even walk down the block... if it doesn´t get better than I may be on my way home.

Sadness
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Monday at 12:09am | Edit Note | Delete
I think I am going to book a bus to Cancun and go home early.

This is really stupid tough decision, because in many ways I was really looking forward to the rest of this trip. Mostly because of the event I will be missing, but also because its just something I had been thinking a lot about for the past year.
When I think of going home its really comforting, but also I know I am not actually going to be able to do anything all that grand. I can´t drive right now. Maybe in a few days things will be different and inevitably I will probably regret to some extent going home, but I have spent two days hobbling around a hostel, tomorrow will be a third and its just not looking like I will be better by the end of the week.
Other than the burn this has been a really great trip. Even these few days people have been really wonderful to me and I have had some really great conversations... but I think its probably time to go.

Yesterday at 1:52am | Edit Note | Delete
So I am home. I spent 24 hours on a bus from San Cristobal to Cancun thinking that I would be able to change my flight with Sun Country when I got to the airport, but they weren't even there. I guess they had no flights today and when they have no flights they have no staff at the airport. I was tired and cranky and hadn't really eaten anything worthwhile in more than a day so I decided I was too frustrated to sulk back to Cancun city (the airport is about 30 minutes outside the city), and though the cost of staying one more night and getting a free trip home far outweighed the cost of buying a new ticket... I went with the quick option.

After shuffling around in the airport for 2 hours someone finally noticed that I might need some assistance. A nice lady saw to it that I would have a wheel chair in Cancun, Texas (my layover) and in MPLS... of course after taking the first ride I felt really dumb and couldn't be bothered to use the other airport's assistance (and regretted it both times)...

I guess I realized upon coming home that beyond just the physical wounds I had an even bigger wound to my pride on this trip. It was easy to play off the sun burn as a silly joke until the dr mentioned that it was really serious if it got infected. It was really easy to laugh about it at the hostel as "a good lesson" until I had to keep telling people over and over (new people everyday at hostels) that I made a mistake and had ruined my whole trip. It was easy to have hope until I realized I could barely walk down a street and needed help to get basic things without cringing or wanting to fall over. So when I got into Dallas, I felt like shit.
I felt like I had failed at something I am good at. I felt like I had let down people and myself, and though the majority of the time I had had a wonderful time, it sucked that it ended so stupidly.
I was overwhelmed, tired, sad, frustrated, in pain and so strongly embarrassed. Embarrassed that I couldn't keep up with people in the airport, could barely stand in lines without falling over, had to explain myself over and over to strangers who don't understand that despite the silly mistake I'm good at traveling. They thought I was a stupid kid partying in Cancun, getting wasted on the beach, making silly mistakes and then going home with a much needed lesson... and for some reason it just bothered (still bothers) me...
In Hostels people sometimes argue over the difference between backpackers and tourists, travelers and vacationers. Its a silly line that means almost nothing in reality -except that you are at different points in your life. I was riding really high adventuring on islands and jungles and mountains, and was "reduced" to a kid drinking on the beach.
But more than that I just let down myself.
I have always felt like giving up during my trips, but I never did. I always pushed and pushed until things got better again, until they got worse again and then better again... I feel like I accomplished a lot in two weeks (more on this in a second), but I went home defeated by the fucking sun.
Not a twisted ankle, or broken arm, or gunshot wound, or tropical disease but the fucking sun.
I am home because I knew/know it didn't make any sense to stay, but retreating brings its own consequences.

Two weeks.
The bus got delayed by a mudslide, it meant a 24 hour bus ride instead of an 18 hr one. Which was fine because I got more sleep. It was the stupidest route I have ever heard of a bus taking though. I think we picked up maybe 5 or 6 people along the way but dropped 80% off at the first stop (which was supposed to be 3 hours in, but was actually 6). Anyway it cut across the Yucatan Peninsula so I woke up in Chetumal (the southern tip of East Mexico). I woke again in Tulum, where only two weeks ago I had stayed but it felt like forever since I had seen it. I woke again near Playa del Carmen and stayed awake till Cancun, which seemed an even more hostile and horrible place than when I first got in. Horrible in that it was so fake… horrible also in that it is so humid. I needed to leave it behind so I would remember the better parts of my trip. But I was trying to figure out why 2 weeks felt like ages… I think its because I was traveling so fast. A day or two here and there meant I covered a pretty good distance in almost no time. It also meant I was bombarded with new experiences, new colors, climates, dialects and culture every day. It meant adjusting and readjusting so much that by the end it felt the adjustments of a few days past felt like a different lifetime. It’s kind of a cool feeling. Its hard to gage if it will last. I came home to signs that my roommate had or is moving out and that seems weird and keeps up the new life idea.
Maybe I changed?
Maybe not… I was thinking on the way home how part of me had hoped this trip would re-inspire my risk and adventuring spirit, would get me to expand myself a bit… and in some ways it did get me beyond my insecurities for a bit. I did try some new things… I did “adventure” but really… I did this trip with my enjoyment in mind and it paid off. I didn’t take ridiculous risks, I didn’t even touch a drop of alcohol or anything else mind-altering though it was all available, I didn’t go scuba diving or snorkeling because I didn’t desire to nor did I climb the volcanoes. I spent my time wandering streets and taking pictures, making stupid jokes and exploring, booking hostels when I showed up and enjoying the company I met when I could… and it was two wonderful weeks. So maybe I don’t need to change who I am… just keep in mind that I can enjoy myself (and it doesn’t require changing a bit).

Pictures and videos soon... I promise.

So I seem to be intrigued by every passing girl, australians, english, americans canadians... but mostly these amazing mayan girls. To be fair, I am not entirely sure they are all mayan, maybe just mixed latinas, but they are all so fucking cute... Weirdly though, when they are young they are really cute and then they grow up to be not so cute... I don´t mean like when they are 25 I mean when they are like 40... all of a sudden they are really um not cute. from like 10-30 they are gorgeous and then they hit a wall.
There is something about them though, its like cute mysteriousness.

and for some reason they all start to look really familiar.

anyway... I run into a lot of people who spend their trips getting drunk and having sex. I wrote about one such individual on facebook. He confessed to me that he brings a bottle of rum where ever he goes to get girls drunk, and by confessed I mean boasted. He also said (in a moment of self reflection) that he had had sex with a girl, reused the condom after dipping it in vodka and then after using it for awhile removed it without her knowing.

Not the best company.


I don´t want to be like that... but I would like to fall in love again one of these days...

Its actually been a really hard self consciousness trip... I am forced to wear shorts and t shirts because of the weather... I see myself in the mirrow or windows and hate it. all these buff tan dudes walking around are rather intimidating and make me feel like I could never compete.


Im all shallow as you can see.

this was on facebook

My therapist pointed out the all or nothing thinking involved when I go from worrying about loss to putting myself in a position where I start to believe everyone is going to die and I need to prepare myself.... and though I agree it might seem a little dramatic, I kind of see that in a lot of my thought patterns... I mean, when I am listening to music or musicals especially I don't just listen, I try to put myself in the position of the characters or whatever... then it becomes a moving experience. Simply thinking about things, without the moving experience of crying over imaginary grief/joy or whatever seems almost shallower, like a hollow intellectual experience without the heart to back it up. I do that enough... What good is a dream without the heart pulse? What good is worrying without considering the holistic ramifications?

Are you feeling suitably neglected?

I have about 13 days till I leave. Two relatively full weeks of work.
2 Spirit of truth events, a retreat on the 11th and a discussion on the 12th.
I need to do laundry, buy a backpack, figure out the clothes situation. Clean and organize my room. Pack etc.
See how much Spanish I can get in (at least finish the first disc).

This weekend was fairly packed with active.
I spent some time with several friends... saw a couple movies I wanted to see... made mixed veggies to grill... ate at Benihana. These summer weekends already seem long, but then add in the extra day off and its breezy.
I didn't connect with any fam this weekend.
I don't usually celebrate the holiday... so I didn't feel like pretending.
We didn't run to a fireworks display... we played Settlers of Catan.

I had good talks with some people.
Probably betrayed some trust here and there in the process, but it was in the name of something higher.

I realized yesterday that it is very likely that three of the 4-5 people I have been hanging out with for the past 5 months will be leaving town soon.
It makes me sort of sad, but happy for all of them... they are really excited to move on with their lives and that is good. I haven't let the panic set in... and it sort of bothers me that during the next 2 months... which is on average how long they will be here... will be the time that I am gone - or at least a good chunk. That wasn't worded well but you get the picture.

I always have a hard time taking space/time for myself... and this will be no different, just with the added idea of them all packing while I am gone.

Three years is a long time.
I'm trying to focus on the positive.
But it felt good to talk to you last night,
to not have to explain anything more,
but to want to.

I should take this time to find new things.
So should all of you.
But let me cry over the transition from young man to man,
I didn't recognize it till just now in thinking about all these goodbyes.

As before, even scattered, I'll love you.