I don't like my body/mind or whatever this is.
I got 2.5 hours of interrupted sleep last night. I woke up at 3:40 and couldn't get back to sleep. I made it through the day without becoming totally sick, but then when I try to take a nap I get woken up after an hour and don't feel well rested at all.
All day long I felt like I got kicked in the stomach about every 25 minutes.
I went to the bathroom something like 15 times.
I had a really hard time paying attention to work, so I kept trying to get into a zone, but every time I completed a task or had free time, kick to the stomach.
This has been happening every time someone is mad at me or I am nervous about a relationship for the past few years (sometimes I think always).
Sometimes I feel like solving problems as soon as possible is more a matter of life and death than it should be. I don't like feeling like death.
I need to learn how to live without this over sensitivity I have developed to my fears and conscience.

I feel like without my conscious approval my mind is sabotaging my life.
Its not like there is anything so significant going on that I could really fuck it all up... but I feel like somehow I am not even trying to make things good... or at least I must be coming off that way. I thought I was just being more real.

My brother is actually stressed about his job, his life, his future... listening to him I realized that so much of it is completely out of his hands... I feel like my entire life is in my hands right now, and I guess I am just not doing a very good job at it.

It made me want to help him and yet, I know that's not where my passions are. I know that is not going to make me feel good, it will only add more stress to my life. I also know that I could contribute very little... but that's all he is really asking for.

It occurs to me though how little anything actually matters. I don't mean in the depressing "life sucks" way. I mean in the... what does it really matter if I don't teach my BEST class. What does it really matter if I don't have EVERYTHING READY on day one of work. Does it matter if I have the best trip, or worst trip, or somewhere in-between... and if something is upsetting is it really the end of the world?

Now I just need to convince my mind to let go of it... 2 hours is enough thinking brain. Let it go.

When sedentary for so long it sometimes feels as if I have never done anything. Like I am the dirt, my planted roots take the form of the house and it feels like I could never leave, like I have always been. She says this house is 80 years old, its my cranky knees but it'd be so easy to set me adrift tornado, strong wind blow me over, I could be anew. I am the walls, I am this city, I am this job I am secure and unchanging. Revolutionary ideas are surprises, taste of excitement like good poetry, make you feel alive the way you aint been. Am I so symbiotic, I didn't notice becoming part of you, didn't feel you infiltrate me, I thought I had my own long hair, my own wild tongue, my own joyful smile, meanwhile I find you chipping away at my teeth, the fibers of my pants, my many faces all with eyes that reflect you. I forgot my song, started humming a plain one. I thought I was a new born, now find I am ancient or at least middle age. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw what I had been, an adventurer where did he go. I thought I had engineered a new path, find me now a paved one. I been paved on, oil slicken easy, rain slides right off me, aint soaked with passionate sorrow just stained in the meanwhile. Where is refreshing fragrance, where is impassioned discourse, zealous beauty chasing, falling into the plain modelesque notions of pretty, forgetting uproarious laughter, forgetting cosmopolitan color, forgetting statued staring at passing people, forgetting uncomfortable scary, forgetting panic punches to the gut and esteem, the confidence building of day surviving, the chasing of simplicity, the grandiose proclamations of understanding fully and simultaneously knowing fully that nothing can be known so simply. I forgot about dressing scandalously, supported in my ferocity and the casualness -laid back style of being brilliant, brilliantly not normal. Gleam in the eye special. Gleam in the eye everyone. How have I been so detached from my humanity. So blessed and appreciated into comfort, couch pillows, blankets. Not a bum's bindle, not a gifted hat, not a crocheted scarf, an entirely different fidgeting stomach, not tenacious, not disgusted, not angry or in love. Easy to see something is different, the question is how long will I swill it?

Always the same (6 or so topics)

I feel very dull... and I am not entirely sure I am uncomfortable with it. I guess I feel less and less like I have to impress people or maybe just less excited to try.
This isn't at all accurate... but I can't figure out what is really going on so I am going to lie about it to you.

Inbetween homework

A) Now that Morgan made me aware that Kilgore has been peeing on things everything smells like piss. '

B) My children are going to think I was really conceited. I fucking love taking/manipulating pictures of myself.

C) Alash is awesome!

D) I am about to buy tickets... fuck it. (I guess I am going to Mexico -purchased)
-I am scared I am not giving myself enough time... I literally finish work -have one day off, then leave. I work the day after I get back. I will have to give myself some relaxation time on the trip.

E) I was thinking about this earlier...
its really hard for me to stop being appreciative when I am in that kind of mood... or when I get in the habit of being that way around someone. I am not sure if it is habit or a reluctance to give up the positive feelings that come with it... but its hard when that mood gets me into trouble or makes me too vulnerable.

F) I hate how upset my stomach gets when I make big decisions... it started turning during the ticket buying process and hasn't stopped.

Making these is really addictive

Trip Update

Slight alterations:
Spots I would really like to hit:
Fly into Cancun, Chichen Itza, Tulum,
then down to Chetumal (Maya Museum) (total in Mexican Yucatan 3-4 days)
Then into Belize (no idea 2-3 days)
Then to Tikal, Guatemala
Guatemala City, Antigua (Guatemala for 5 days total)
Then to San Cristobal de las Casas, (1 day?)
Oaxaca, Mitla, Monte Alaban (2-3 days?)
Then to Cuernavaca (2-3 days)
Mexico City, Teotihuacan, Tlaxcala? (4-5 days)
Pelenque (1-2 days)
Get back to Cancun -fly out (add 3 days for travel and sickness?)
roughly 29 days... I am planning for roughly 31-32 so a few random stops along the way and we have a fucking plan.

I just reread that horoscope. The last line is what I would like to focus on.
On the car ride home from the coffee shop where I tried to be productive but kept getting distracted, I was thinking about how I wish I could hold on to righteous frustration, anger, or simply justification.
I was writing poems in my head about my inability to take time for myself, or feel reasonable in self protection, or feel sane in attempting to bring up my boundaries.
I can't because any attempts to do so, hurts others (unintentionally) and this hurts me.

But I feel lost in these often times wonderfully intimate friendships. Where am I when not with you? and more so I find that its hard to move forward in any kind of way when I allow myself to get caught up in the much easier (often times more rewarding, comforting) bonds of friendship.
But I am not going to have my needs met by these friendships, and all jokes and flirting aside... we are all well aware that its not going to happen.

I don't mean to say these friendships don't mean the world to me, I mean exactly that... when friendships mean the world to me, how am I supposed to find something more?
I look in my dreams, asleep or in fantasies to seek the universe, and wake up unfulfilled, and continue on with my day trying to make the happiness of my friendships comfort me in ways they can't.
Its not fair to me or them.
It means someone gets hurt when the other gets busy, has a new relationship, or has other obligations. Emotional intimacy with uninvited strings attached, that jump out when you least expect them, find yourself suddenly doused in self-consciousness because someone is having an off-day, or makes a silly comment -like a slap in the face (all very much unintended).

But even at the coffee shop, I want someone to talk to, to plan with, to argue with, to discuss with.
I can't do anything myself sometimes. Its not fulfilling, and it bothers me because I am about to take a month long vacation by myself and I know that I am going to get there... be in awe, and want to share it with someone (but no one will be there).

I don't want to give up any of these friendships... in fact I want them to grow stronger, I want more of them, I want to have time for them, but I also want to have a partner who understands me, a family someday, but I spend all my free time dating women who don't like me like that, and despite their claims (sometimes) probably never will.

This whole post feels like a betrayal, it feels mean and petty, cruel, blasphemy.

Who am I to say this? Who am I without you?

I am alone, unloved, hurt, broken, weak, savage, angry... but when I cover myself up with the best parts of you... I am still these things underneath.
I need to find another way to heal.

	Hurtful argument You're now easily offended. This is because something will now remind you of an old wound that hasn't healed	**
	During this time you should be careful and keep a tight rein on yourself - especially if you are anyway of a spirited disposition. If you are after some kind of "conquest", it is quite possible that under this influence you ignore warning signs and advance too directly and abruptly. There is also the danger, at the moment, that you sense competition or opposition where there is none. If you are too sensitive and quick-tempered, take every criticism personally and react in an offended manner, then around every corner is an enemy, and every conversation can turn into an argument in which you finally - without reason and probably without conscious intent - hurt others and are presumably yourself hurt to the same extent.
	The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Mars Square Chiron, , exact at 04:24 activity period from 1 June 2010 to 5 June 2010 I am amazed at how accurate this is.

I like to abandon my friends when I am stressed or self conscious, I am not sure if it is because I am too worried about being a burden or because I don't want them to burden me. Movies are ok though.

Do you feel neglected?

The contents of my backpack are scattered on the floor of my room.
I feel like I should be able to say that in Spanish by now...

I just had coffee with Gabi and it made me excited for my trip, which was good because I was getting scared. I haven't planned a whole lot. Haven't bought tickets nor checked people out on couch surfing nor checked out any hostels.
But I feel like it will be okay.

I went to target today and decided that I can handle a single backpack, a flashlight, bug spray, a small first aid kit, sunscreen and other travel sized bs, a camera, note pad, book, and some clothes.
Other things will be bought along the way.

I haven't decided yet about a phone. Gabi said it might be a good idea... so that I can make things easier like finding her family.

I am also a little worried about time... My plan is to do roughly this... with some little trips in between.



There are a bunch of tourism companies that run trips that are roughly exactly this... but I don't really want to deal with all that easy jazz. Timing will be tricky though... I have to be in Cuernavaca by about the 5th or 6th... which means about 2.5 weeks to do all of Cancun (Chitzen Itza) Belize and Guatemala, Chiapas and Oaxaca --- or in other words most of the Maya, Mixtec and Zapotec areas. Then I spend a few days with gabs and cats in Cuernavaca, then move on to Ciudad de Mexico for a week and then hightail it back to Cancun for a flight out with some stops at the historical coastal cities on the way.
Should be fun. Not sure about stopping in Veracruz.... its historically pretty influential (The port city for the capital) but I have no idea if it is worth it.

Hmmm other things...

Tuesday starts evals (finals). I forgot to bring some of my stuff home so it will be a little bit of work on Tuesday to get started. But it is an easy day. Most of the students are recent returns (meaning they don't have that much to write up). Most of them are doing pretty good too... so no big lectures. I might volunteer to step out... but I kind of want Friday off too.
Nothing big coming up this week besides that.

Tomorrow me and Alicia might see a movie and get a bite to eat.

Supposed to check in with spirit of truth pledges... none of my friends wanted to join(no surprise).
But as the song that just came on reminds me
all good gifts around us are sent from heaven above, so thank the lord for all his love.
(in anyway you choose)

16 days geez

The Great Office War from Runawaybox on Vimeo.

This song is waiting to be covered by someone with a better voice...

The weirdest thing keeps happening to me.
I used to think it was strange when people got upset over movies or tv. I thought "yeah, its supposed to make you feel that way... you deal with it." but lately I keep getting really anxious over things. Its not like any one type of thing either...
it started with serious reality tv shows like intervention, and then became a fairly regular thing with reality tv but has now gone into more fictional stuff... I was just watching
Crazy Heart and for some reason it was too much for me.
I got all anxious and couldn't keep watching.

what the hell....

ok I'm gonna try again.

Its funny how the things that help us deal with problems start to seem less interesting when those troubles arise...

That was my vague way of saying I think I haven't been writing because I was stressed and it seemed like a waste of time and energy... yet I write to relieve stress, and so it just kept getting more intense.

Also, I have been talking to people lately... by people, I mostly just mean Illy and my Mom, but I guess that has been helpful enough that I didn't need to constantly vent.

There are a few things going on in my life right now that are causing me stress.

1) Work:
A) Teaching is very stressful, constantly coming up with new ideas. I got myself in this trouble this trimester thinking current events classes would be helpful and good but it also means pretty much that you can't prepare a head of time... so basically I decide a day or two before what I am going to do and then hope nothing huge comes up. I am also trying to schedule a bunch of speakers to come in, but the trimester is winding down now and I'm starting to think that idea is a dying failure.

B) Student apathy, cynicism and survival. I started one of the classes with an editorial describing how cynicism keeps all of us from doing good in the world. It keeps all of us apart, selfish and untrusting, it keeps us from having hope or spending our energy towards positive change. On a regular basis I hear from students "That's just the way it is." "I'm just looking out for me" "Things won't change" etc. Part of me wants to blame them for being so stupid, selfish, self concerned and apathetic... and another part of me recognizes in them that they are in survival mode all the time. We are one of the most powerful and affluent societies in history, and yet in almost all of our children we breed such drastic insecurity that they are constantly in survival mode. Most move out of this, but it seems like that is taking longer and longer... Its all too overwhelming... between lack of mentors and role models, disrupted families, neglect/abuse, drugs and alcohol, the economy and the political situation... these kids feel on every level that they cannot depend on anyone. That not only can they not depend on them, but that the greater society is actually intending to hurt them... and we give them no reason not to believe this.
But we also challenge them on it constantly... a sort of "Yes that's true and????"
and the problem is they don't do themselves any favors...
Its not just that they are so alone, its that they do every thing in their power to make the situation worse. They cause conflicts, they lie, they cheat and steal, they hurt others, they lash out, they hurt themselves constantly (physically and otherwise), they do drugs, they don't pay attention, they certainly don't take any advice, they take concern as a challenge and challenges as a threat. They don't care enough about themselves to do any self care, and then they get pregnant or someone else pregnant so that they can raise a child in the same environment (assuming some how it will be different).
I know I should get out of the habit of calling them kids... but I feel like they truly are sometimes on so many levels... they are so young, almost innocent in how ridiculously ignorant they are.
Not all of them of course... there are a handful that may survive... but the honest majority are already struggling. They have all the potential and refuse to learn the good habits. It makes me question everything. It makes me cynical. It makes me angry and selfish. I can't let that continue.

C) Testing. Its testing season and by that I mean we literally have a new test every week for the students. All state or district tests that are mandatory. All dishearten and make already survival oriented students more anxious. Half the students fail them, because they don't know how to read, write properly (in any way) or do math.
Its a really stressful thing, but its more stressful (personally) because I have to keep track of all the BS paperwork that doesn't make any sense to me and I hate the whole process.
I have to spend time prepping tests instead of prepping lessons, which means even if I did know how to teach a kid to read (and I don't) I wouldn't have the time anyway...
Enough of that though its almost over.

D) End of the year BS. Planning events, paperwork, etc... its just a lot.


2) Spirit of Truth
This group I am sometimes drives me nuts. I decided after a bit of a crisis that I need to remove myself from my mental position of being a leader in this group because not only am I uncomfortable with leadership positions but it was also heading in a direction that I don't spiritually agree with. I don't disagree with the groups beliefs or values, I just believe in more than that... and I was hoping this could become my place of spiritual centeredness... but it isn't. It won't be... but because it won't be for me doesn't mean I can't help it or help others find it if it is for them... and so that is the position I have taken and it feels better.
There is still stress about it, but I feel like me again.

My mom summed it up when I was venting to her about my confusion... she said "Mike there is a bible story about the Shepard who leaves the flock and goes after the lost sheep" she was implying that I thought of myself that way, and was challenging me on why I don't feel I can stay with the flock... but what she really did was just made it clear exactly what I do believe...
Others lead, other shepards stay with the flock, that is their role and they are good at it and feel good about it. I look after the lost sheep, that is what I am good at and what I feel proud about. That is why I work at an alternative school... because its a bunch of crazy lost sheep... and I feel at home there.

So I may attend Spirit of Truth meetings, or services (if that is the route they decide on)... I will support, but I am not a leader of that group and soon I will probably stop being so directly involved. In the mean time I hope that the people I meet or bring to the launch or whatever will enjoy it... if nothing else as a think/feel piece. And that they find some connection to an idea that there is something good in the world... that we are called to help.

Still I sometimes feel silly doing the things we think will help... like advertising... we are trying to be co-creational so we came up with this idea of putting inspirational quotes and people's descriptions of what they believe or want in this world on the walls at the meeting. I believe it will help... but it feels pretty cheesy on facebook. I feel like I am proselytizing... which I don't believe in.

3) Grief
I realized this a week or two ago... but it came out yesterday. I now know a big part of why I am so stressed and so tight... is because my Grampa died a year ago and we are sort of having a family get together remembrance. Grieving is a weird thing.
My acupuncturist asked me if we were close... I said yes and no...
The last few years more so than before... but it was my Grampa wanting me around that made me love him. Being crabby when we were about to leave, hinting around that he wanted me to come out, to talk to him, to learn from him, or just to be around.... I know it was because he was feeling weak and lonely... but to me it was this very sturdy man who didn't budge on things... who cared so much that he couldn't show he cared... who was too proud to put old battles down... asking for me. It was the first time I ever felt like part of my larger family.
A family that tears itself apart at every opportunity... that rejects and neglects...
and they had (for a moment) accepted me.
There is a really strong fear in me that my family will never come back together... maybe this remembrance will be the last time I see people for years... and we are all old and moving on and starting families and there are too many names and birth dates to keep track of... but before it ended I was part of it.
Now I can share that with my family. Now I can feel like I come from somewhere that has a history (good and bad). Now I can feel less alone.
I didn't love my gramps because he was a flawless human being... I loved him because he let me see those flaws... and in some way made me realize mine were ok too.

My Dad has asked me a lot to edit and sort of publish the stories my grampa told me (I recorded some interviews with him). He wasn't really captured on those tapes though, he wanted everything to be too "good." He wanted to make people laugh and remember him for his quick success stories. He wanted to sugar coat things... or maybe he just didn't want to reflect on it anymore...
but in-between the interviews was when I got to know my Gramps.

4) Is there a four?
I don't know... I actually feel very surrounded with good people... so maybe there isn't a four except to say I always worry about letting them down.
I spose I could also say I am worried about love, and travel, and not learning spanish, and dying, and not having energy enough to satisfy (which is like slow death)....
I am disappointed I do not get to see people more often... or that when i have time I want to sleep instead. but none of this is new is it... feels good to type though.


None of this is what I was gonna write about... I don't really know what it was though... this was supposed to be a sort of intro...
And now its too late.


it is late.... Its 10:30 and all I have eaten today was some coke, donuts, candy and a cookie.
As you can tell when I am stressed I spend a great deal of time working towards being healthy.

I miss my hair

Haven't posted in a while I guess...


here are some facebook profile pictures







And uh.... a video or something...

Eat your heart out

Pretty Dramatic

I don't mean that in the beautiful sense although sometimes I feel happy about my looks.

I feel very off-kilter lately. I feel like I must be the most dramatic person in the world sometimes.

Its entirely a crisis of self consciousness, or maybe of doubt and confusion.

Its entirely based on my therapy session, NO my spiritual group, NO my work situations, NO my friendships, NO my romantic relationships past and future.

I feel like if I just subscribed to the spiritual beliefs of John Frusciante lyrics I would probably be ok... if I struggled to keep them in mind... because they are so crazy and so all over the place and so honest about believing so many different things... and that is true.

I am not having a crisis of faith... I am having a crisis of knowing what I am called to do... because it was clear and then I jumped to something new and now I am wondering if that something new really wasn't all that new, just something else in the disguise of newness.

I still believe in what they are doing... I am just not sure that that is where I get my energy.


Or in other news...

Illy introduced me to the idea of dating someone.
I don't know that that is going to happen... or be good or anything... but I think its really sad how many excuses I have thought up since last night... and how much less frequent the thoughts that it could be good are.

Makes me realize how low my self esteem really is in that department.

It sucks that even when things turn out for the best... when looking back at old relationships its really easy to see the failures and not the triumphs.

I want to talk to my mom.

I feel like I get this song more than ever... even though I am not a touring musician.




My name is volatile
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we're gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You're lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand

Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down

Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you

I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

In school today we were reading an excerpt from Master of Love a book by somebody...
The author was talking about how the path of love and the path of fear are opposites.
Very simply put, the path of love makes you feel good, the path of fear makes you feel all the horrible feelings...

The author at one point early on states without much explanation, that for most of us we spend about 95 % of our time and effort in relationships of fear.
We worry about what they will think, feel, how they will react towards themselves or to us. We make excuses for them and ourselves, we don't take responsibility for the right things etc.
We spend so much time fearing that they will judge us that we will forget who we are altogether 95% of the time...

Its hard to recognize how true this is... I mean to really recognize it.

To recognize that almost everything you do you do to please someone elses wrong construction of who you are... and that you try to fit that mold and never disturb their monster and they do the same for you.

Its hard not to put people in that glorious spot.
Hard not to want to find the perfect.
Hard not to want to see it in yourself (someday).
but all that is fear not love.
Love accepts and supports... it doesn't say you aren't good enough.