Written at work the last few weeks

probably the week of 4/17/22

In the midst of such gigantic things, the day-to-day drama seems trivial. They hurt my feelings by being insensitive! Yes, yes, they did. What would you like to do about it?

I am afraid of my world being turned upside down! Yes, yes you are, and yet the world turns. So what would you like to do about it?

Some are better at asking for help, some ask for things they don’t need. Some refuse the help that is offered. And none of that is within my control.

I need to let go. I am not sure how. It pains me to see how things dissolve. On the podcast they talked about how the evidence supports the belief, I must take responsibility, or it will fall apart. Maybe its supposed to. Maybe it can be rebuilt better?  I have to trust that, believe it into existence, I can’t take responsibility only for the fall.

How do a bunch of untrained people train each other up?

Blind leading blind in circles of despair. Outside our purview.

4/27/22

Dear Michael,

It is a Wednesday and you are trying hard not to jump and save or control. Allowing the new therapist to play her role, hoping for the best. There are a number of kids that you are worried about, and disappointing their families is an awful feeling. And a number of staff. And the whole damn program on some level. And all of this is outside of your ability to control. And it sucks. Today, you are taking the time to connect where you can, reassure where you can, but also put it back in their hands. How would you like to address that?  What could you go about that? Brainstorm some ideas of how things could go differently…

But are these tools and the compassion in which they are offered enough?  No. No they never will be. 

Alan Watts video from yesterday, he says the more you slice a thing and analyze the more complex it will become, infinitely, deeper and deeper, until you lose sense of the wholeness and perfection of the simplicity. A trick of the mind… if I could just understand more! But no.  Enjoy the thinking and analyzing -but know that it will not make the work easier, nor the process smoother, nor the thing less what it is. It is what it is.  Its perfect that way.  These kids are just kids growing up. Their “mental health disorders” are a more a function of their circumstances than of their person, but even if they weren’t, who is to say they should be “cured?”  I asked one this morning, why shouldn’t you be sad?  Because its uncomfortable, yup. Healing and growing is uncomfortable. The heaviness is because it matters. Acknowledge it, hug it, wrap a blanket around it, give it praise. Its all beautiful. Your sorrow is a gift to unwrap deeper joy. Congratulations, you are growing beyond the scope of what you once knew. 

And yet I am scared. I am scared people will come to me and I will not have pleasing answers. I will not have the capacity to placate or sooth or reassure that they have the answers they need. I will not have the time or energy or position to challenge, to hold, to reinforce. I will not get to create with, or laugh with, or celebrate, or mourn with these beautiful humans soon. And I am sad. And I am scared that it won’t matter, or worse, that I will be the undoing. And I can challenge that notion, and I can reframe it, and I can critique the thinker who thinks it… but the worry is present. Do I have faith in them?   Do I have faith in the G-d or universe that makes things perfect in their imperfection/vulnerability/ sorrow? Do I have faith in the efforts and of my good character, and of the staff who will carry on the legacy if there is one at all?  Sometimes… but I am grieving, and it is a process of acknowledging what will be different.

I am reminded of how desperately I wanted to cling and was also distant/repulsed from LNAS after leaving. How I would have given my curriculum away to the next, but also wanted to withhold so as to ensure the next would put in the effort. I want to make it easy to be passionate. But passion, fire breath, comes from a yearning deeper than I can support with my attempts to shallowly carve an easy path.

“Theres nothing I can do, not much I can change, so I give it up to you, I surrender.” As Mitski puts it. I have to stop believing that only the outcomes I prefer are good. Each and every infinite avenue as the dream says, is a reflection of the perfection of G-d. Let them carve their paths, let their hearts be heavy, swell and burst, let them acknowledge their own route forward so that it isn’t truly a “Michael told me to….” But a “Michael supported me in …” But ultimately, the most important thing for my heart, is that I be true to it. I am ready to move on.  Moving on allows a thing to breathe, to change, to grow beyond what I had imagined. And if that is “bad,” then my efforts to hold back the waterfall probably weren’t worth it, and better that I leave. And if that change is “good,” then I contributed what I could, while I could and left doing my best. Letting go is the ultimate act of faith and love sometimes. And despite my worries, I am that.

4/29/22

I am feeling an urgency, a desire to save, rescue, fix. To reassure and validate when more than that is needed… when processing and problem solving, reconciling, and accepting is what is needed. There are forces of creation and destruction in play, that cosmic swirling dance that sets us a drift. I thought there was a floor there, but there is none, and so I am falling again, again, again. How do I enjoy the freefall rather than fear its ultimate and inevitable end? All things fall apart, creation and destruction, confusion and learning, splitting and healing, dividing and multiplying in growth. All things fall apart to reveal their simplicity, and also all things build into complexity. Goodbye my friend. Hello my love. Goodbye my dearest, hello my adversary. Change, loss and renewal. 

And if I save them from the depths of their despair, console, meet them where they are, and say goodbye tomorrow, will it have mattered? Yes. Yes I tell myself. But I do not control their story. What will they do with their wild soul contract of a life? I sit in awe and wonder (and suffering and grief) as it is revealed, for my attachments and expectations are sky high. I presume to know what G-d knows, as he has offered me a portion of his heart, and with it I see you. And in seeing you, I am made more aware of the beauty and the tragedy of it all. 

SO what should I do with this life, this soul contract of mine. Grow close and pull away? Risk and run?

I step closer and perchance mar the heart which I care so much about, and then in trepidation retreat at the power of my own displacement. I withhold my judgment, fail to act and by doing so, allow a greater tragedy to unfold.

5/6/22

It is 10:30 on a Friday. The week before all hell breaks loose? The week before I loosen the weight on my shoulders. A video on Instagram told me that when things make you anxious, you should visualize a good outcome, so that you can be excited instead of anxious/dreading. I woke up dreading. Dreading all the little conversations I needed to have, that would disappoint or hurt, or frustrate. 
I feel like I am letting folks down but it is beyond my control to work through. I have to release the burden, put it back on them, and it makes me realize that I have been holding too much of their stuff. Not pushing it back as much as I should have. I am human, the heart is pulled, and at times I respond to emotional reasoning, and hurt, by holding and validating, rather than reminding them there is a boundary. I can’t do for the whole staff. I see E trying to do it as well. It won’t be effective.

There are some students we can’t support, because they aren’t ready, aren’t willing, aren’t able to handle the things and we cannot do it for them -though many of us may want to.

I am cognizant of the areas I have made mistakes/failed, tried a new approach, tried again, OR avoided out of my anxiety. I am aware especially of the difficult conversations that I postponed hoping that there would be a better moment, keeping the peace because I didn’t want to lay the bricks upon someone who was already expressing their feelings of hopelessness or defeat.

I am also cognizant of the twisting, the way things are being relayed, and how when feelings are involved it is so easy to lose track of reality. We all have some emotional reasoning, and when our feelings are big, it is easy to say “This thing I feel must be true, you must make it true, regardless of the reality.” But emotions are temporary things. My constant worrying, ruminating, prognosticating won’t change anything. Goodbyes are hard. I need some space to sort out my feelings and thoughts, but also have a billion things to do. I need more help than is offered, or rather, I am unwilling to let go and accept the help sometimes.

The people I want to honor, the intentions, the relationships, the attachment...

Life changes

Yesterday E said that she was worried about the spotting without her period coming. She wondered about getting a pregnancy test. She bought three. Two of them are still sitting on top of a book case in my apartment with positive signs. 

I remember entering my apartment, waiting for her to call, and just saying a little prayer. "Inshallah" If this is what you want, if this is the next step, I'll accept it. 

It wasn't long after she facetimed me with the news. Several hours later (as is her way), she came over and we watched Dexter and talked about it more. I found myself in a place of serenity, perhaps some distance, perhaps a desire to not attach to this notion -knowing how easy it is to lose a pregnancy. I told her these things. But it put so much into sudden focus. How many things will have to change for her, and I. How even the short term, leaving my job and traveling, suddenly feels like a weird thing to do. And then again, maybe we take a vacation because we don't get to later? I dunno... everything seems different, and yet, not much has changed. Its an open door.

This morning as we were leaving for work, she asked nonchalantly if we even know each other enough to commit to the radical news that now we will be bonded the rest of our lives. 

We went to work. From the start of the day it felt like there would be endless drama and for what? So many people stuck, bickering, avoiding. 

E had a few appointments with her med providers who shared that for now at least, she should stay on all her medications. 

She worries I doubt her ability to work through stuff, to handle it. In the middle of the night I reminded her that that provides me an opportunity to step up and be useful. 

I am both terrified and assured. 

I had trouble sleeping (who me?), laying next to her, wanting to connect to reassure and be reassured. She has been getting sick more easily, sensitive to smells, exhausted, a bit more crabby, a bit more whiney. I see her in a new light, I am like 'who is this person I might be tied to the rest of my life?' 'can I trust them?" and I am sure she is thinking the same questions, even though she probably would reassure me that she is confident. I daydream about planning, living space (2 bedroom? house/apartment?), saving money (do we try to save for a year), medical insurance, buying stuff, baby sitters(both sets of my parents), her family, mine. Ali's newborn will be 6 months older than ours. James' kids will be approx 3 and 5. Her nephews will be the same 3, 5. Her niece will be 9ish. E is already taking prenatal vitamins, but probably forgetting her night time eye meds. She is wondering how to deal with the changes, and she is already feeling sick. Living up to expectations. Joining the sisterhood of mothers. 

The potential due date would be around Christmas. Sagittarius or Capricorn (just like E and I). 

When do I tell my parents? Do I ask James for advice? He hasn't even met her. 

This is so unlike me. In one of my 'dreams' last night I stood in a circle of windows and mirrors, all the expectations of myself and went around smashing them. It felt a little violent, but freeing. Hi parents, I know I am the last person you expected to have an "oops baby" but here we are... will you love and accept me? E? this new life? And I don't doubt that they will, even find ways to celebrate the unexpected. We move forward, we grow and change. 

Since we started dating (Jan 29th -we decided was our first date), I have always said that one of the things I am drawn to about E, is that she challenges my ideas of how things 'should be,' or how 'I should be' and by doing so gives me freedom to be me. It's a funny recognition how my immediate first response was "how can I be useful" and hers was "What are you feeling?" And she does need me to be useful, but she still let me vent today about how frustrating work was, and reassured me that even though she was irritated with her own stuff, that was what she wanted from me, to be real. 

Over the last few days there have been so many little things at work and in life where I doubt and then she shows up as partner in ways I hadn't even thought of asking her to. Many of these were in work, in the passionate/connective side of work. It's so soothing. 

I don't know what comes next, and yet, again, it feels like a doorway to a new life. Years ago I might have been more freaked out. Years ago I tried to have a baby. Years ago I prepared myself to be a step Dad. I questioned, and worried, and planned... I've read parenting books. I might not have pregnancy and early life down, but I'll be invested. I'll probably go buy 15 books and then annoy the shit out of her. Probably fuck up a whole lot... but don't we all? 

Its so funny how I am like drastically trying to reimagine all the scripts I have had for this parenting thing. Like, what if we aren't financially stable? What if we have to rely on our parents? What if we have a high needs kid with physical and mental health challenges? What if I am hurt or can't provide?What if E is a stay home mom? What if I am a stay home dad? What if.... so on and on and on.  I am trying not to think about it all, distracting, focusing on other things. But so many things to accept and just enjoy as they come... and it's weird because, that's both a challenge that I worry about and one I look forward to. A doorway to a different Mike? Accept and enjoy. I need to meditate. I need to pray. I need to sing. I am not ready to say thank you yet. I am ready to plead for safety and support. 

The only thing that I am actually annoyed with now is how easy it is to be frustrated and have low tolerance for bullshit. I am sure I will adjust, but so much feels so silly and petty now. I have bigger things to care about. Thats actually a lovely thing. Instantly I recognize how out of balance my life is, and instantly I am scared I don't know how to fix it. But I am assured that I am annoyed by the right things, and able to stay present in the moments it matters -at least at work - I am more like E in that way right now. 

Maybe I am not "ready." Maybe no one is. Maybe she and I have both been training for this for a long time, and our weird ways of handling the day to day logistics will just magically turn into something that resembles a life for this new one?  I don't know. Maybe I just need to have faith it will be ok.  

E jokes that a Christmas baby might be G-d trying to say something to her. 

We downloaded an app that says it would be the size of a poppy seed right now. 

So much change promised by something so small. That is quite the beautiful thing to marvel at... maybe when I stop being overwhelmed, I will take a moment to sit with some awe and wonder.  

Easier Said

 

I find myself in a place of push/pull, my heart is feeling a rupture and the external situation isn't mine to control or soothe. I want to rest in comfort, to reach out, to hold, to fix, but I am not sure how to respond without enabling old patterns. Did I get too caught up too soon? allow my heart and mind to imagine all the possibilities without observing the patterns? or is this just a storm to weather? Part of the healing. 

The tower must fall in order to rebuild. 

My mind is active, calling out for boundaries for action, for a plan. but maybe I just need to sit with the discomfort, is anything on fire? No. The gray sky, the rain, the people I love hurting and I don't know what to do about it. Jumping in to save ourselves from momentary discomfort isn't the solution. Getting caught up in drama and defense mechanisms isn't the answer. 

I had become a hermit, I allowed myself to open up, take a chance, take steps onto the ice and now I am wondering how to accept life as it comes, slips and cracks, hypothermia and all. Is this the way it is? 

The tower must fall, and assigning meaning before the rubble settles, probably isn't the best idea. 

Maybe just letting things be... breathing into the place that is unsettled. Comforting that inner child that is alarmed but not in danger. 

This situation is also reminding me of the times I've been on the other side. 

When I wanted someone to understand, to have patience, even to save me from myself. When it was easier to push things away than deal with them, or when I was dealing with them in a way that others didn't appreciate or understand because I couldn't communicate. Oh how the simple things can be misinterpreted by a mind set at odds to understanding out of its own desire for self protection. 

My anxious attachment is showing. My desire to know, control, armor or run. 

I don't like how my thoughts become dramatic, a blame and shame game, when it could just be accepting of what is. I have disappointments and frustrations. I have irritability and expectations. Sometimes I invite drama and chaos into my life, hoping to settle something, or figure it out. 

What is the scared part of me thinking?  That if I don't jump in things will fall apart. My parents marriage. Steve in a thousand situations. My friends in danger. My heart attaching to things in motion and being ripped out because I cannot find the right speed to align to -trying so hard to adjust myself or them to the same rhythm, because what would it mean if it doesn't work? 

And what are the worst case scenarios... I can predict a bunch of things. But what is it for me. That I have to let go of the hopes, dreams, the energy and excitement of having open doors? That I have to struggle through, trying to meet another human in their journey? That I have to tell people I am once again not moving forward in the direction that I wish to?  That I have to trust in the universe, in G-d, because it compels me to experience what I have wanted to avoid, to heal, to surrender? 

The other day I was thinking it was so odd that we hadn't had any major red flags, any major arguments or misunderstandings... and then whooomf suddenly they landed on our doorstep. Breach and repair? Communicating what is mine and what is yours to take responsibility for. It feels familiar, and yet different. I am disturbed and then soothed, and then disturbed again. It feels familiar and yet different. Samsara again...

What do I do to self-sooth? What do I do to assure myself without doing for others? I believe in co-regulation, but not giving myself up. So how now purple cow?

I Surrender

Heat Lightning by Mitski

(A song on repeat today)

It is a Saturday mid March of the year 2022. I haven't been writing much, some combination of having someone to share my thoughts with (E), feeling like there isn't anything new, and worrying about what I say? 

The plant she brought over has a few brown spots from under-watering, neither of us are good plant parents. She stays over 1-2 times a week, and I stay over there the same. My life is complicated by the complications of her life, choices she has made, patterns she is trying to divest in, the pull of family drama. I hope to help her disentangle, and get caught up in my excitements. I have no control over hers, and maybe I dislike that. In many ways it feels like every other relationship I have had, except, I don't feel anxious very often. Her drama is hers, and I can worry about her, but I don't worry that she isn't into me -all that often. She neglects out of distraction and being pulled into things, but never fails to reassure me, assures me daily that she wants me in her life. It's a security I haven't felt in a long time, someone assuring me emotionally on the regular. 

We are talking about a future together (dating for about 7 weeks now), and what that would look like. We are meeting each other's people, and talking finances, and dreams. I am planning on a vacation this summer, and can I afford to bring her along? Recently a 'check-in' question was love or money, and I find myself vacillating between the desires, not so much of saving money, but of being secure in it. Security in love? or in money?  The things they afford you...

Norway and Sweden. Finland and Denmark and the Baltics all for myself. What will that cost for two people? $5,000 10?  What about keeping an apartment to return to, and paying off bills and health insurance too! How much time should one a lot for this type of trip. Originally I could have seen myself with 8 or 9 weeks, but with company? With a girl friend at home?  4? 5? Does she have enough PTO to cover a week away... not sure. Life is enriched and complicated. 

I am leaving my job, officially the second week of June. 2 years and some change. A couple full school years. What comes next? I don't know. I don't worry too much. I have a difficult time leaving the program behind, knowing its flaws, and the low morale of the staff. Knowing our clients will be hurting, that their hurt is limitless within the cycles of the program. Heal and leave, or leave, regardless time passes and a new batch will pop up, reminding you of your old self, and is that ok? Does it make you want to flee? Then expand. 

Within my current position, there isn't a lot more to learn. I could move up, but I don't want the administrative hassles and drain. It's not healthier to move up in this company. Better to seek out something new. And will folks follow? I can't control that, though it's reassuring to hear that a few others might make it through the summer or whatever. Its cool to see that some of the conversations that have taken place a year or two ago are coming back, and this time maybe leading to something different. But it's old hat to me. It's easy to predict, and it's not my job to change it. I can't do the work for others. 

One of the things that has been more exciting to me is the teaching of staff, leading in that way. But within my company the expectation is to do all of the above all the time, and being pulled in different directions like that is draining. Could I teach and do therapy and lead groups and classes and all the paperwork involved? yes, I could do all of this. But I can't do it well. And intention and preparedness is a big piece of all of these things. 

What is my weight and my responsibility, and how to balance these things I have very little control over?

I was walking around the lake this morning, somewhat irritable -as I have been a lot lately. Like all week. Is it lack of sleep? of exercise? of water? sickness? grief and the oncoming changes?  Am I feeling behind, or pulling away. The random things of life seem less important, less sweet, as I look to another for a taste. And so I walked and tried to put my thoughts to a lighter place, one of smiles and gratitude, of taking in the little things, enjoying the way dogs look like their owners, and branches scatter across the sidewalks far away from the trees that once birthed them. The failure of winter to stretch or claw, while Spring hasn't quite woken up to rebirth. Listening to music, I sang, I conducted, I danced. Tried to take in the sun while sitting on a bench, letting my eyes (shaded behind eyelids) collect the universal, letting them go soft and gentle, letting them welcome what comes. Like the thought that maybe all these people are cutting out a piece of their hearts and giving it to their pets for safe keeping. Like the thought that maybe I should be more afraid that both sets of parents are out of town, rather than delighting in the pictures and brief notes my mother shares of Spain. Like maybe I should, or shouldn't tell E about the possibility of seeing J this summer, and then the idea of them meeting and making inappropriate jokes together and feeling like life might be better for it. 

And on the way home I heard this song (at the top). And felt myself shiver, collapse a bit, tear up. A very simple song speaking of something very profound. I can't help but think of G-d in those moments, can't help but feel touched spiritually-whether I welcome it or not -as some part of me of course wants to cling to this transitory, this profane plain. 

Lately I've found myself acknowledging something really different (for me), all due to E... which is that I am not clinging to my intellectualizing, not grasping for it as an anchor, not in the same way. Her knowledge and wisdom doesn't come from books, it comes from heart and experience, and it forces me to view things a different way, to go within my own experience, in my heart, my stomach, my shoulders, and accept what comes without waiting for it to feel rational. And of course, I do that too, put a coat of logic around the feelings as I always have, but I don't have to. I can just accept what comes, surrender to the things that seem illogical (only because I haven't done them before), because it feels good and trust that is enough. Of course there are thoughts and worries, but in the moment, not so much, not questioning myself, not questioning her. Just smiling and enjoying. 

SNoW DaY

 

Its a snow day, I am still working.Yesterday was Presidents Day, and I was also working. I am not working very hard obviously. Mostly just emailing and texting. We have the option of doing telehealth, but I am not really interested in virtual appointments today. I am not sure what I am interested in. I just spent 20 minutes watching insta stories. I am doing laundry. The snow is swirling outside my window. Even a few years ago it would have been a snow day full stop.

E is at her grandmother's funeral. She is worried about and enmeshed in the process of collective grief, of trying to make meaning, of caretaking and worry, of trying to figure out what is what and who is who. 

I want to spend time with her, to hold her, to listen, to assure, but I am also aware that I have a tendency to overindulge in the falling stage. I have weird mixed feelings where if I am not feeling fully connected, then I worry there is something wrong. Anxious attachment. I want to take care of her, but I also want her to take care of herself. 

Last week was a really difficult week for the program. A number of kids in crisis day after day, and now we are hoping they can make the subtle transition to experiencing these traumas in a less reactive fashion. And same for staff of course, we are not immune. I found myself playing the role of manager, of caretaker,  and it felt good. I felt useful and helpful, and confident. I am worried I will be leaving this role soon, and I have mixed feelings about it. There is a desire to move forward, to move on, but also a desire to stay, to have community and a team. 

Things get complicated in life. Will my mom still go to the Baltics if war breaks out over Ukraine? Will I meet up with J if I am still dating E? Will I spend 2 months traveling, if I am thinking about coming home the whole time?  Decisions are complicated. They say the universe will test you to see what you really want, and I am a doubter at heart. But what choices to make...

We already love each other as people, but as a couple?E  introduced me to a podcast where they talk about "Falling in love" and "landing in love."   I have never had difficulty falling, I can easily love the passerby, and when I have a crush I can't help but fall, but landing always seems difficult. I worry about compatibility. E and I are on the same page with values regarding people, our hearts yearn for the same things, our missions in life are compatible, but what about life style? what about the little choices that impact the day to day and the distant future. Money. Health. Family. Location location location. 

I am already annoying her with my comments, she will grow to resent it. I am trying to reframe my frustrations and look for how these same traits benefit, teach, support. Impulsivity and action where as I am prone to overthinking and being stuck. Experiencing rather than thinking. Vulnerability, being open about the tenderness of your heart... ah what a beautiful thing to see, and also scary. I am drawn in and repulsed by the same traits, it depends on my state. And I suppose that is the dance, the steps, moving in and out of flow. I can think of a lot of people that might be more compatible in lifestyle, but I am caught sometimes by the way she speaks these truths that my soul believes, and she isn't doing it for me, or to impress, she is speaking the ache in her chest, and she doesn't stumble over her words or misspeak (like all the other times) when she does it. And then we share a laugh over something inappropriate. And then she adds an improvised joke that shifts the reality. And then she makes a slightly sarcastic comment about my intellectualizing, and for a second I am caught off guard, and she stares acknowledging her power to make me stumble, and I am learning to trust it. 

And where  does life go when these fallings happen? I spent time with my parents this weekend, I am trying to keep up with friends. But I am already in that state where it feels like I'd prefer to sacrifice all the other obligations to make time. But I crave connection not just time spent.

Steps

 Not sure what it means, but E and I finally confirmed that we like each other. So that's funny. 

What next? no idea, maybe we will be good friends. I have a million barriers to being with people.

Want to know a funny one? the same horoscope I had when I was falling for M came up again the other day when I was talking with E... the one that said "Don't add anyone to your life right now."

I like her though. I would be glad to have her as a friend. Will this be the next karmic heartbreak? probably. 

Maybe I need to stay open to possibilities from the universe. 

Many years ago, I realized that typically when I liked someone new, I often had multiple people I was thinking of and it made it easier to move forward with the one I liked. 

I'm overthinking everything again. I should probably pretend like nothing happened. 

Ill pray tonight and ask for some specific dreams or signs. 

connection

 

Had coffee with a friend, had one of those long chats that feel so nice. One of those you tell me your story, I'll tell you mine. It felt like she was listening intently, like what I had to say mattered. And so many echoes of familiar stories, so much of the same heart song despite the differing experiences. connection. Hard not to fall in love with people when that happens. 

Punch Brothers - Pride of Man

Yeah you know... 38

 

The other day I lied to my therapist, or rather, didn't share the truth -the truth hadn't occurred to me in the moment. I was responding as if I had thought through a thing, I presented an answer that I thought I should say.  I wonder how often I do that. 

The true answer would have been "I'd distract myself." 

The question was if you weren't here, what would you do with that feeling now that it has arisen? or something to that extent. 

I've been very into distracting myself these last few ...

I have a hard time sitting still at home sometimes. I need something else to watch, or play with. 

Except, not all the time... but sometimes, when a thing is personal. Like writing a blog, or crying. 

It was my birthday yesterday. On Friday I took the day off of work and got my car repaired and got a booster shot  -knowing I would be sick on my birthday. A way of avoiding. So when people asked how I was, I could say I am sick. So when people wanted to see me, I could say I am sick. Avoidance magnifique ! So that when I experienced my own thoughts or feelings, or wondering about my 38th birthday and the inevitable comparing and contrasting occurred, it would at least be palatable, rather than the achy flu like symptoms my immune system responds to the vaccine with. I am sick. Laughable. Versus, I am not sure... difficult. Or I am sad. Shitty. Or I am lost in the loop in my mind -like the dreams I had when I was feverish... a continual loop in which the floor falls away, or the choice leads to the opposite of what you predicted, because of course. Any time you try to control... chaos. Infinite loop nightmare?  It was funny. 

Today I woke up feeling myself again. I stayed in bed an extra hour to dream. Before I got up, I had decided how my day would go. Check two things off the list so you can stop stressing about them. I got up to do them (after coffee and SNL, and other things). I eventually got around to the two items and realized I didn't have the materials, I went searching for them in plastic bins, in boxes, on shelves. I couldn't find them and it scared me. I began to organize, and realized how much of my life, my treasures, my memories are stored in bins awaiting the next move to the next impermanent space. The gifts I have been given, the notes, the trinkets, the sentimental, all tucked away. No wonder I lose myself so quickly, I guessed. I have so few things around to anchor me to a longer narrative. 

I dunno. I had dinner and conversation with my Dad and Colleen and enjoyed myself. Plenty of people reached out to me today and yesterday, and it felt good. I got to say, how are you? and mean it, because I had a few days off to not stress. 

This upcoming week is going to be hella stressful with work. But I am trying to remember to take it one moment at a time. 

Maybe I am 38 now and have no new updates. Maybe I am still avoiding.

Will this be the last post of the year?

I started writing this a few days ago, Christmas Day. But the weekend was this super lonely numbing experience, and I was all existential in my head, and all desperate for distraction in my body. 

This morning I went into work and had a hard time shaking it. Looking around at the walls, and the office, and the people, I had this feeling like none of it mattered all that much. like I was ready to walk away at any time. I sat with my coworkers for a few trainings, felt a little more like I was part of something. But not really. I am kind of hoping that the clinical trainee I am training in becomes my replacement. Not because she is exceptionally good or anything, but because at least she'd be familiar with the kids, the routine, the space. 

I wrote the green and the blue on Christmas, the rest tonight. Back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Aggression and sexuality / masculine energy / lust for life

One of the things I've been thinking I need to bring up in therapy is being supported by a number of conversations and books I have read lately, namely, that due to the shame I have felt in my life, I downplay my aggression and sexuality. Simply put, I am afraid of them as they have led to consequences I don't like... also, the jobs that I have taken, require a high degree of trust in me as a person, and that I won't take advantage of or make people uncomfortable... these roles have traditionally been performed by women (teachers/counselors/caretaker roles), and so suppressing some of those masculine traits is kind of par for the course. So for most of my life I have been downplaying these traits... sometimes this behavior has led me to act out in other ways. And so, when I think of the shadow work I need to do, it's basically to reclaim my masculine traits. I am not sure how to do that. Not sure how it would play out in relationships or at work. Some folks look to my leadership or my knowledge and suggest if I were more action oriented I'd be more successful and others would benefit as well. 

How this suppression has actually played out in my life is that I have very little passion -have in fact pursued a path in which I don't seek out excitement or drama, don't try to conquer or grab for power, don't jump to the things that seem to bring joy. Don't claim anything. Don't seek out. Maybe that is the wisdom of recognizing that those things are temporary highs. Grabbing and reaching will inevitably lead to disappointment/decline. Or maybe it's because I have lost the lust for life, have not invested in that masculine energy. Have just accepted that mellowness that melancholy. 

I've noticed that I continue to have some passion for work, and enjoy things still... the little beauties, the awe, the gratitude and joy. But not the lust for life, for thriving, for succeeding.  

I've always comforted myself with saying that it is a wiser path, a soulful path. But what is my human body and ego supposed to do with that except to decline? I need to invest in something that is both for myself and bigger than myself. 

Of course, maybe this is also because my attempts to reach have left me devastated. Maybe the Covid world and the decline of the American empire echoes what I am experiencing...but other people don't seem to have this issue. Or at least have people around to commiserate with? I am not different, just haven't found my group to complain to. 

Lonely Christmas

I am sitting at home alone. I have seen some family and will see some more in an hour or so... but ultimately its been a very low key Christmas. No magic. Some folks have Covid in the family. But I have also turned down offers to spend more time with folks, friends, family etc. I am limiting my time with people because when I am around them I am so aware of what is lacking... What am I contributing?  Where is the carrying on?  In most ways, its just the lack of relationship and no kids, but also just the thing of like -what is this leading to? is there a goal here?  

I have been silly and spending too much time on social media, and the fomo is real. I see lots of beautiful photos of folks who look happy. And it makes me question why I am alone. Why I don't look forward to seeing my friends, or family during the holiday. It just sucks. 

But it's harder to stay present with the feelings. I want to escape. I might even take an edible tonight and  eat some pie. Social media, something to fill the space please???

What would you like this time next year?

brainstorm:

It is a broken record, in a lot of ways it is more like, what are you willing to change?

Travel. New job. New place. new friends. new hang out or a social hobby. new partner. spiritual practice  -maybe I need some kundalini. A creative project to complete (poems, stories, art, video), a place to perform. a space to be. I dunno... 

I'd like to attend a holiday without feeling like I've fallen behind, to feel proud to celebrate, to want to be amongst the gathered. 

Changes for the new year?

bbccbvbcvbcv

I have been getting frustrated with my body, the lack of exercise, the aches and pains, the sag of 10 or 20 extra pounds. I could probably do something with that. 

I continue to avoid returning to the UU church. Even though I liked it, I didn't find a home there. I didn't really make new friends or find a partner. I found a congregation to cry amongst and a few good conversations, I found dreams but not steps. 

I dunno... I dunno. I dunno. 

I watch so many movies and tv shows and the drama of connection and disconnection, the heart break and the repair, the promised joining. I want to be in love again. 

waves

 

I've been sort of overwhelmed by the universal principle of balance, of give and take, the tao if you will. Overwhelmed, or awed, either way, it impresses and drags on me. 

I meet with parents who have spent their entire time of parenting trying to save their child from A, only to find that their child has found their way to it, some back door they hadn't considered, and worse, of course the child blames them. I thought we were providing stability and security so that they could feel free, but now they make impulsive rebellious decisions and can't take responsibility for their actions (because the parents jumped in to save them). Or, we provided freedom and choice, and reassurance so that they didn't feel weighted down by the baggage our parents put on us, and now they can't make decisions because they are so overwhelmed with disappointing us, or making the wrong decision...   and its hilarious, and tragic, and perfectly predictable. And I work with the kids who make these horrible decisions and feel totally justified, or totally ashamed of themselves, and either way, I just want to step in and say 'yeah, that's normal... what do you want to do next?' but they of course aren't nearly 40 years old, so they feel totally overwhelmed and can't figure out how to get themselves out of the muck. 

And me, I am no different. I have been wrestling with telling my therapist about my paraphilia, an issue of course because it causes me so much anxiety and shame, and causes me to sneak and manipulate, and if it didn't, it'd just be a kink and not cause for concern... but its also just a symptom of the other thing, the wave that pushes forward also rescinds of course... so would it be a thing at all if I hadn't been a little concrete obsessive kid, afraid of sinning and dirtiness, and being rejected (bad), and afraid of being neglected (so be good)?  I created my great sin, by calling it taboo, by putting it off limits, and so the thing I wished to never be, became the shadow monster that I shackled to my ankle, it's weight always miring the progress I believe I've made. The shadow has to be integrated. So I go to therapy, but worry about being rejected, misunderstood, judged.

A few weeks ago, tiptoeing around the issue, my therapist asked me to visualize it in toys -we used the example of my childhood obsession with castles, so of course I chose a lego castle, a knight, a "criminal," a dragon. There didn't need to be anyone else, they were all playing roles. The knight was armored and good. He played the role, he didn't judge, just saw them in their roles and knew that they needed to be. He is wise, and he is exhausted with being good. The criminal, sneaking around trying to get his needs met, but oh, he is also charming and funny, and creative and a critical thinker. He has to be. She asked what they would each want. The charmer wants to be an entertainer, to charm, to make people happy. He wants to turn those gifts into a way of teaching, through laughter and smiles, he is a jester, but he is in on the joke. The knight I said, just wants to retire. What would he do? she asked, I said travel, enjoy everything, smile and be present. He is just sick of keeping up the armor, the act. He wants to be in relationship and just appreciate everything, enjoy the sense of awe as he sees everything is in its right place... the dragon?  The knight knows that the dragon is a Dragon, if you let it go it might burn down the local town, or it might just fly through the sky. Either would be its nature, and so we lock it up. What does it want?  Someone to enjoy that it is a dragon. It just wants to be a dragon...

Which is you? all of them, all are me, all the time, and the setting too. The castle is beautiful, but cold, its admirable, a thing to behold but rigid, uninviting, uncomfortable. No one wants to live there. It's lonely. 

I am reading Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity" and considering these waves... oh my attempts to be good, trustworthy, compassionate, kind, attentive, how they backfire. How people become comfortable with me as a friend as someone grounding, and lose interest in me as anything more. How when I spring my dragon on them, they are turned away in fear because its not a dragon they wanted, and certainly not what I told them I was...  

Another side effect is that it makes me replay and want to investigate my past relationships, which just causes more dwelling. Not sure that rereading old emails is a good choice, not sure I will find new answers in old places. 

Anyway... the point is that understanding any of this -doesn't alleviate. It is what it is. I can free the dragon, watch the castle crumble, take off the armor, tell the jokes and do some prancing... but without these roles?  Who knows... not me. 

I can argue all the beautiful things this pattern of waves creates... but as inspiring and amazing as samsara can be, it is also a pain in the ass. By design. By design. 

Considering traveling again. Maybe do a few months in Europe this summer. Quit my job, figure something out with the apartment and bills... roam the paths I haven't roamed before and a few I have with different eyes. I will be 38 (my Dad forgot today). 20 years since my first solo backpacking trip. Have I changed? Have I grown? Have I become more wise or more stupid?

There is part of me that is excited by the idea of this trip and another part that is kind of cringing at it.... how many times will I flee alone? Do I still need these things? Will they provide me anything I am actually looking for, or just more pretty distractions? another bragging right... 

Not sure. Other options... take a class, move somewhere (a different kind of adventure), get a new job, start a business, get back to writing, etc. 

Anything could change in a second. 

One of the wave things I sometimes fantasize about is the idea that my self sufficiency might have to get dramatically challenged, like a hospital visit, and in recovery that would give me a new perspective. 

But it doesn't have to be so hard... we could just all choose better and recognize the consequences are coming...

 

Jeremy Enigk ‘How It Feels To Be Something On’ in Tampa FL 01/18/2019 Su...

I was sitting at the Spyhouse on Nicollet, growing slowly bored, restless, fueled by caffeine but not quite creative, not quite inspired. I have lost some of my tolerance for sitting still in public, how many hours have I spent in that same building? but with each passing minute I was more and more ready to pick up and leave, and to do what? I had no plans, a simple set of ideas, a few responsibilities easily pushed aside. Time to myself, too much really. And all the same, I was ready to run. 

I steadied myself a little while longer, made it to 200 pages in the book I read 5 years ago? 6? 8? 

A book that promises so much, and so slowly fulfills, soothes and smothers you. 

I awoke this morning wondering and optimistic about my capabilities (time to learn a new song *posted, time to write the next chapter of that book, time to pastel some masterpiece, time to meet someone fascinating), and it is nearly 20 after 5 and I am ready for bed. If it weren't for laundry and the thought of wasted time, I might have gone to dream early. 

This morning I had a dream that some magical jungle cat and I were bonded, and I was at a family gathering, without tension, and rolling along with this cat, and not so allergic. 

I was sitting in the coffee shop wondering if I should call on the universe to make something happen. Test it. Manifest it. Whatever you want to call it. And I had that thought about that dream that terrified me, the one the first therapist brushed aside, and the second said was a steady answer to my grand illusion that I have control over everything, but neither seemed to get the point, which is to say there is something special, and maybe terrifying here. And I wondered if like Kvothe in the Name of the Wind, I could simply call it into my life, name the thing that had been missing, and move on to the next chapter. But I left instead. Started some laundry. Will probably not leave the house again tonight, and if I do, only to get fast-food. 

Tomorrow I see Rachel, and if I am honest, I'd prefer to spend a few hours sitting in a coffeeshop reading and people watching instead of meeting with a friend. But I am aware that all this alone time isn't exactly calling anything new into my life either. 

I dunno. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be ready for a walk. 

Infinite expanse, mirrors

 So every once in a while I take an edible. Orange is original (I was not looking at my keyboard at all). Blue is sober translation when I felt it was necessary to make sense. Green is sober commentary. 

Maybe I am just finally having a glimpse into the life of Alex Grey

Anyway into his theory of infinite mirror, because if G-d wants to demonstrate true absolute infinite authority over all that exists./.. then it is to make infinite mirror upon mirrors, each new choice mirror a thousand times through each new possibility ex[ansion in multiple dimensions, because the tiny little moment ex[amds in all different directions so they keep multiplying and the expanse happens into all finfifintie infinities  (The word infinite gets hard to type repeatedly)

yu cannit di a wring thung you cannot do a wrong thing, because each choose just expansive into the infinite liltuode multitude? of splintering possibilities 

there isn't ecem even a right choice, or a right path, etc one makes y-d aja[[y as itnsp[oliters into spa ima ex[amacxopms/...  Honestly have no idea

its really like hella beyond the mind, infinite repeating infinities spanning in eacydirection, no wrong anythings... follow the music,birbintoons vibrations, the creschending next thing, no matter what it is.... just amuse in its version of the truth...any action we choose is ok.... there isn't a right a d wdogng.because F-d cipirtalises G-D capitalizes on them either way           my mind likes to doubt this reality but the truth in its totalitiynis gotta what I find,..... wen I do ill bind it to my brain..  

there had to be an Adam, and a skim, and a derrick. 

because each infinites is n ifitjes expender....m expander... a multiplier by an infinite... !!!! fuck

each moment of guilt for each moment, is only adding or subtracting. and it doesn't matter...none of it is wrong. enjoy the wrongs!   ha ha ha that was a moment. ..  neither adding or subtracting, 

a dimension of the vibration....    trying to keep top with the flow is no t am eddy dstrtogvypm

and in the end.... a cartoon jingle, a all spice commercial, like I was saying... jamming, bouncing off each other, each percussive... so expansive. the has been going on since  there was a since.  snaking though since, so much contact all this bumps... all those bruises from the expansion, there must be some damage thfloatig through... each bouncing and each expanding..... 

Which would mean all the thought out theories, every single one of them, is also true they are all true as they all expand the universes... infinites bouncing, multiplying, 

You can choose any path you want, even all the good ones, and the G-dof it all smiles... good for you he beams when you complete with a 1000 score, no wrong answers there are flll spoof....LLLA Alll good.... alll good, the score infi

nicely multiplies, and each fight is a smile ....a boy an awe a

nd oimmer glow......

you could choose a blessied life or a cursed and it wouldn't tarnish it no bit...

all good all good all good....to the one who knows... the real knower.

the secret one who ais all and sees all and sits beside all... all good. 

This theory was really heartening for me last night. This idea of the expansiveness of infinite multiplicity. So that there can really be no wrong thing, each decision only creating new infinite possibilities that G-d enjoys regardless (as they all demonstrate the capacity... if the capacity for creation is the thing, then all choices demonstrate it. No good or bad, all just ways of categorizing the various types of expansion. Its a nice theory. This morning, I was thinking again how much being high and science/spirituality have in common. Were any of these theories possible without mind "altering" experiences?   Do these drugs (as Russ would say) act as tools to help humans grow, intended only for those who can translate the language of the visions?  Or are they a natural aid, to help us see the reality that our day to day doesn't allow us to see, but that is real none the less? Or is it just that they offer a unique way of experiencing the capacity of the mind, its limitations, its possibilities... there may only be one way for that set of neurons to respond to that particular input, and it is to see repeated rectangular shapes behind the eyes... you know?  Like maybe this is just how the human brain processes while being impacted by that set of chemicals... its all pretty fascinating. 

Anyway, the spiritual-scientific theory I was hyping on does have one downside if viewed from a selfish personal lens, which is that we are all special, and therefor from a lowly human perspective, not special.  Protestant Christianity appeals to that one part of your heart that says "hey you, you're my flavor, come have a relationship with me." and that doesn't really have the same impact when its like G-d in it's infinite all knowing/seeing/understanding/being capacity, has a personal relationship and enjoys the infinite possibilities of you, and all equally so. Not good or bad choices, so also not good or bad you. Ego. I guess. In the space when I was high, that didn't matter, maybe slightly left of my ego self. I was just as happy to be a slime, as I was to be sitting on the couch, or eating peanut butter on crackers. Everything was good after all. 

I remember the reason this theory came to me was that when I am high I often feel things as vibrations. It is very much like that ocular game where things fly at you in patterns. Well, when I am listening to music, or watching someone talk, the vibrations approach me, and I often feel like I have to dance, or move with them, get into the flow of it... It is not dissimilar to how I am naturally at a good concert when I can just let go.. no need for THC then, but while high, it feels like I cannot do it wrong... and then I wondered am I following the vibrations, or leading them? Am I aware of them before they happen? EG I often respond to my phone even when it is on silent and my eyes are closed. I respond to the intuitive vibrations sometimes before they happen. It's all instantaneous after all. But this experience makes me think that good music, art, conversation, etc is in line with these vibrations, while "bad" is out of line... I basically dance move around the house when I am high, and try to stay within the vibrations, usually all with my eyes closed. But then sometimes I test it. Yes. And once in a while I find that being out of alignment just shifts the vibrations to new possibilities.... hence, no good or bad. Just new possibilities. Hence a universe that is in flow all the time, and when something blocks or hinders, or changes the flow, it just shifts to respond, infinitely so. A new thought, a feeling, a choice, a death, a resurrection, all just new possibilities to smile at. Hence the oh you feel guilty? cute. reaction. 

I haven't been writing much lately. I guess in my head I would like to write more. Maybe like a poem a day kind of thing. But I am in routines in which I feel a little exhausted and soothed by the lack of responsibility or need for productivity. I am feeling happier than I was a month or two ago. I think working through some things at work, in therapy, etc. But it hasn't necessarily translated to new behaviors, just new ways of responding to the same old. Like laughing at everything again. Like recognizing I don't need to attach to wounds, mine or others, like acknowledging these feelings have a place, but not giving them the whole room.  I find myself in the same patterns, but they don't feel soooo bad. Would I like more? yes, but I think I am shifting my inner vibrations first. 

When it comes time to write every day or week, I just don't seem to have much thought out to say. Maybe I am spending all my time distracting myself instead?  Maybe watching Netflix and playing games, and that classic vice have all removed me from being present in my boredom, my restlessness, my sitting in a room each night for 5-6 hours while the world passes me by. 

I dunno. Just haven't felt like actually writing, though I wish I had something to show. 

Life goes on

I took the day off work so that I could take my licensure exam. Passed. I should be an LICSW in the new few weeks. This gives me a bit more freedom in what kinds of jobs I want to take, and the possibility of taking on supervisees after a bit. It also means I don't have to see my clinical supervisor anymore, even though I enjoy her input. 

At our last session, she was asking me about and describing the use of intuition and empathy. How for her (and me) it is gift from G-d (we talk about this). But for her, she recognizes it within a different cultural context, in which these gifts can be discussed openly, and for which she doesn't have to assume any responsibility. 

While we were talking,  I had this felt memory of feeling the blessing of it, the magic of it when I was a kid and a teenager. How I could empathize or name things for people and suddenly their life changed. I stopped using it solely that way in college, started to rationalize and intellectualize the shit out of every decision I made, because I had realized that it could just as easily be used to hurt people. Though she didn't mean to, a friend of mine confirmed this. How tricky this responsibility. But the feeling of it, felt like I was channeling through me. It wasn't me, but wow... and how not to grow an ego?

I don't know.

I stopped believing to some extent (other than the rationalizing of it), that I was worthy of such a gift. I'd hurt too many people, and believed that I needed strong boundaries around myself to ensure that I wouldn't hurt others. My intellectualizing, pursuing knowledge, etc., although totally stimulating to me also had the effect of justifying each use. I replay them in my head, to ensure... 

My supervisor told me to stop. She basically said (I always paraphrase) 'I know you have a strong faith, but why don't you trust G-d with that gift, and stop blaming yourself and gaslighting your ability to channel.' She role modeled, 'you just say "I'm seeing _________, does that resonate with you?" and let them have their reaction, don't try to control, don't manipulate just let it be." 

A tall order. In the moment I felt this sadness, this grief for all the years of not believing... vowed to myself to address this, to be more open, to let go of my desire to control it all...

Could be dangerous. Could be a new beginning. 

I will be an LICSW, what next? This seems to have been the goal of the last 5 years, what's next on my agenda?

I was reading M's Dads' blog. WHY? I dunno... I just do. In our relationship, I always felt a little insecure and possessive. It only got worse in some ways after. I wish I responded differently to lying and deception, it would be nice to stop and go "Oh, I don't like that. Bye." but instead I respond with "why would you do that, what is it about me? or you? or how can I figure out how to get you to not do it? or if I am aware enough, maybe I will figure it all out..." 

But I am delaying... I was reading his blog. 

He mentioned his daughter was involved in a shooting. The tone of the blog let me know the family was ok, but what impacted me was that he said she was married. I didn't think first of the kids, or her, or the terror of it all. I got hung up on the status. Maybe because its so removed. Maybe because it was confirmation of the thing I assumed. Maybe because I just didn't want to picture the kids in harm's way. Yesterday I was thinking about how old they would be now. These kids I had wanted to hold on to for the rest of my days. How their introduction to the education system would have been so bleak. How their mom had stayed home with them, like I had once considered. Fond memories of making legos and puzzles, and painting. Little school lessons. I felt grief over their loss of school, but I can't... The idea that they could be injured, isn't really something I want to think about. Even now when I am considering it, I can't. Hung up on status as a defense mechanism because my heart. I wish them all well. 

Considering what it means to have someone new in my life. Do I want this friend? What does she offer... Is it more of the same. Trying to interpret the little cues. Trying to figure out what I want and what is too much to expect. What do you do when your heart delights in a part of a person, but their life doesn't match up with yours? I don't think I am supposed to go around collecting people, hoping they'll stay some way that I saw in a glimpse. I don't think that is real in the long run... but being honest, communicative, gentle, appreciative. I can do that, and see where it leads. 

My Dad told me he had Covid a few months back, that time he was using an inhaler. That time I was worried he'd get Covid because his lungs were already hurting. Could have been a false positive. I took a covid test yesterday. He is still considering getting the vaccine. It was funny how it was a relief to me, because I'd spent a day and a half wondering how to protect him if I had it... and then found out he might have protection already. I dunno. The whole thing has been weird and shady. He didn't want to tell us because he didn't want people to treat him differently or say "I told you so." but also his lack of honesty is demonstrative of how ridiculous it all is... what are we doing?

What next?  No really...  This morning I was inspired to clean my apartment, clean my car, go for a walk, organize and grocery shop, but now I just want to do nothing. What next in work? In social life? in bucket lists?  I have these ideas of painting and sculpting, but it seems like a hassle. I have this idea of little steps to create a social life, but...  The test is over.  I told myself once the test was over I could consider writing again, or going on a long trip again. So, I guess it is back to these things? or maybe a new career? Maybe an ayahuasca ceremony?  Maybe I should start a farm... new possibilities everywhere. What do I want next? Where is the universe guiding me to?

I've been wondering about the spirit guides, maybe I need some help.

Listening to this TED talk now. 

I was reading this book today, and wondered if I need to change my life mission slightly. I feel like I have spent my life trying to "help" people by supporting them, problem solving, trying to plan or figure out the future (EG teaching in many cases). I think though I didn't realize it, I was trying to keep people from experiencing suffering. Hoping that by being there to support and validate, teaching strategies, brainstorming new ways of doing stuff, the suffering could be diminished on both an individual and societal level. I was trying to create a "better" future, hoping that things that had caused suffering could be eliminated *both consciously and unconsciously, I guess I thought if I could get all the knowledge and share it with others, things could change. My youthful ego and naïveté? 

I think I am in a later stage of life...and have to switch my mindset to recognizing what I have always known, but secretly hoped I could divert, which is that life will cause suffering (always), and that that isn't a bad thing. That even the moments of suffering and pain can have purpose, and that we shouldn't be avoiding them or trying to ignore or deny them,  but experience and grow from them. 

I have known this, but some part of me is always trying to avoid or undermine it, to rip it away, convince everyone that pain doesn't have to be suffering... but suffering is meaningful. It causes us to grow. To think and reflect. Pain... that's just a nuisance. Here one moment and gone the next. 

I think I have to mindfully take on the mission that actually suffering is good, is an opportunity for people to find their meaning, and to hold out belief in people's ability to do so. Which is damn painful.

Every day at work I see people suffering, and sometimes I lose faith that it is worthwhile. The same with our society... so much needless suffering. But I guess we really do have to lose it all in order to get our heads out of our asses. 

The suffering of this last year, did almost nothing to change us... half of us stuck our heads in the sand, the other half ignored the idea of a pandemic and made it worse. Nothing new has come of it on a societal level. 

The book talks about how suffering is one of the ways people recognize the truth, that G-d calls us to him through all things, including suffering, and that when we finally see that (though it doesn't diminish the pain), it at least ends in hope. I have spent my life time knowing that suffering is part of life, but hoped that I could make it easier... but maybe sometimes it shouldn't be. G-d works in mysterious ways eh?  When I am suffering I pray as much as when I feel awe... its those times in-between that I struggle to remember, so maybe I need to bring back that slogan teenaged Mike used to say "it's all good."  And get back to believing it -though I have continually been beaten down by the merciless nature of the ways we choose to bring about our suffering... perhaps this is what we need? 

I dunno. Maybe I am not fully there yet. 

In any case, I need to stop being afraid all the time. 

Jeremy Enigk and an edible

I am high. Gummies from a friend. Watched Norm Macdonald. Genius. The inner sensation is of suddenly making connections, some cosmic touch (sistene chapel) between distant points, some bridge. Its force pummels the inside of my chest, a slightly knocking, a warmth,making room for new. Its moving. The visual is like galaxies. And inside I know it is the neuron’s buzz, the flare down the tree of synapses. 

 

I am listening to Jeremy Enigk, the layers of the composure, the delicate cake, ah these complimentary tastes and textures. 

 

My memory is short and lost. Over time this would be awful, but in small doses I am aware of the moment and then the moment is gone. I am pleased with it. Each little pain and bruise, is momentary, I can welcome it. A missed note screech, a scratch fire,  a pushed capillaries of pressure… all of a flash and then replaced with another, the neural dance. So many connections in each second. Each tiny little vision, mystery solved, there is a burst, a new big bang, and if this is going to be the way of the world, and the human is to last then, this is the piece we need to see. To really understand. The distal patts, are not so distant, this is the simple reality of everything this whole loose connection is the map of Gp=d. maybe we cannot be near untruth/.

 

Put my head down and don’t ecen look at the keyboard. Listen to the music, let it flow through you and thr words, will be the truth. Evem if the origin isn’t understood. Listen to the music and get in rhythym. Ths will be the thing that is right. Bit when you aren’t doing it right, everything wont work. 

 

That was weird, suddenly I lost it. And wasn’t high. I had like a thirty second cool breeze of sobriety. Not sure if it was because I was onto something or because the music through me off, but the flowing warmth is back inside my body. 

(Written a few hours later)

It's really funny how some things are confirmed by drugs. I wrote a little post about how I am a caffein addict earlier on insta. On caffeine I feel have greater access to my faculties. 

When high, I have access to different faculties. I feel the sensation of an incoming text before the visual confirms it. I feel the little pricks, the little vibrations, the waves of energy. I notice their confirmation, their absence. I listen to music, and can my turn my focus to notice the parts, the moving composition, that dance of impacts bombarding the dimension... and it only confirms what is beautiful, adds a glow to the already special, rests easy within and without, perfection. perfection, a polished mirror, and a smile's confirmation that this is a true representation of the 1 in all. universals approval, universal acknowledgement of that which all things know, the one to whom all voices sing.Could you bathe in this heavenly, when every note is an interwoven silk supporting you. caressed by ehuphia, praise this ecstatic. 

Another hour. So many little connections, it becomes overwhelming. Somehow I got it in my head to look at old photos, and all these little memories, these little stories I told myself so long ago flooded back. And even in the moments I wasn't present for, I remembered the story, the lie I told myself? Or was it that I did have some knowledge, and perhaps all these flights of imagination I've had are true? on some multiverse or other, perhaps I have this understanding. Perhaps in my every day life, I get stuck because I've lived in too many realities, and they have built and cluttered. I remember these memories, these parts of me suddenly, and wonder how their brightness could have faded, wasn't that another life time? How was it's prominence shifted without my approval.

Another hour? I feel like I am slowly coming down. Moments of clarity become longer and longer. I don't know which to cling to. I am listening to the Empyrean, I am thinking about the infinite possibilities in a line going on infinitely in each moment, and how to accept each moment good or bad, is just to recognize it has its place amongst the infinite possibilities. Oh your mom died? One of these possibilities was bound to contain this, but infinite others do not, she lives on. Be grateful. 

All those layers, weighing, the carrying of emotions across lifetimes, and dimensions, the tethering of it all... what need to be seen, to be known, to be accepted, to be let go. 

It feels like a late phase, the dissolution, where what had once been, comes apart. How brutally painful this disconnection, and to each a portion of the suffering. 

To be comforting and comforted

Part 1(written at work):

I haven’t been writing lately. Not sure why, maybe just that nothing feels settled, and then when it does I have no need to record the trappings. Maybe a little less satisfied with my own revelations. At therapy last night, my therapist confirmed that she is a little intimidated working with me. She said some things that I had already assumed might be true such as that I may have to get angry and work through it with her, that I would need to practice being more upfront and honest (risk hurting her feelings), that perhaps I could try wiping the slate clean and coming to her less a know-it-all, and more, just living into the experience.

She used the words processing in the overthinking way, and suggested maybe I need less of that and more being present in the experience. Sometimes I find it boring to sit still.  It makes me feel restless. Other times I can be very mindful and experience all the things, I prefer to do this when I can be grateful for them, curious, fascinated… but rarely do I turn off the thinking that accompanies it.

She doesn’t get me yet, she is still trying to figure me out. And it is difficult for me to sit with that knowledge, and recognize that just like me, she is working through it through her own lens, which is not accurate to my experience. It’s a slight distortion that will impact things. But she is a little unsure, she is picking up something from me and it puts her a little on edge, and she wonders if I am ready to let her have control...  and I am not.

Work has been particularly unsettled. The stuff with the leaders reignited the drama behind the scenes. Those who remain, are worried but trying to move forward. The staff on the whole has low morale and high compassion fatigue. We only have a few handfuls of kids but their tiny little tantrums are throwing everyone off. The therapists are all experiencing a little burnout. I want to play the wise old man, but there are times I can’t rely on others to pick up the pieces. I need to slow down and accept people where they are at, but this collection of our bent and trembling fingers is an odd shape for a container. We are seeing the limits of our abilities very early on… and wrestling with the disappointment, the grief of that knowledge.

Is this what I want?  More and more I recognize that it isn’t. Not so much that my heart can’t hold it, or my mind can’t conceive it, but that my life won’t sustain the effort. The work can be comforting, can give a sense of purpose, but more often than not, I feel challenged in ways I don’t appreciate, and unmet where I wish to be challenged. It is life handing me a plate and saying “here do this” and I have always been a picky eater. What will I gain from this experience? I wonder. The challenge of slowing down, or accepting my strong voice, of holding boundaries, of pushing expectations when I don’t know that the other person is ready for this challenge?  It is very opposed to my nature. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I keep taking on these efforts for a reason. Maybe it is important to know how to play a role even when you don’t have assurance that it will work. Be the cog, not the master of the machine, play your part. 

Everyone has different ideas of what I “should” do, but what am I called for? Where is my alignment, I don’t know. I know that when I step in the building I feel a sense of overwhelm, not of creativity and joy. I don’t walk in feeling excited usually. And I don’t get to be my whole self. What would happen if I did? I’d be shut down, just as the kids are. The job requires self-regulation, boundaries, a recognition of the big picture AND a willingness to act.

This morning I was thinking the reasons I dislike the yellow painting (and T did like it –other than trying to cheer me up), is that it is the solar plexus, the action chakra. I am the one who sits and controls by inaction, and it scares me to act impulsively. Thoughtful planning, intention, forethought… that’s my jam. Heart, seeing, grounding… I can do that. But action, no. Action gets poor results when not thought through.

Grief and loss, and the changing of the seasons. Dance with me, I sing to myself as I stare at the trees blowing in the wind. I feel a fantasy creeping in, a dreamlike stare transfixed on the movement, seeing in it all things and nothing. I wonder if that is what I am like, a collection of atoms to project upon. At my best, I am part of the nothing, but everyone and their mom is telling me to take up space. To be the polished mirror that is my true self in this life, don’t skip the steps. Don’t be too eager to vanish, it will only hurt you and those you love. Sloth takes many forms including invisibility, and the avoidance of the hard truths.

This job doesn’t fully serve all the needs, so where can you find some resolve, some connection that encourages and expands life?

Or maybe this is not the season for expansion, maybe this is the season for letting go, falling away, accepting the loss. Maybe this is the time to gather, harvest, pull it all in tight around you, even if it wasn’t an abundant year, there are still blessings, there is still gratitude. 

Part 2 (written at 10:30):

Everyone tells you things, just not in the way you want to hear. The students you are most proud of for their growth, will have a regression out of nowhere, a way of saying don't let go yet, I have work to do and need your help. The kid throwing a temper tantrum, saying that they don't yet have the skills to handle their overwhelm, can you hold this?  And it is all good, it is all ok to sit with, as long as you don't hurt anyone else... but as Fiona reminds us: "evil is a relay sport when the one who is burned turns to pass the torch." And how else can one describe these traumas not yet resolved? I work with a lot of externalizers.

Today was an odd day of walking the line. My students need to be held accountable for their actions, and not just given understanding for their miseries. It is a both and... more complex than anyone cares to acknowledge. How can they hold themselves accountable? The adults in their lives never did. 

The day left me feeling drained. I got home, ate food, neglected to do laundry or go for a walk, went to bed around 6:30??, woke up at 10:00 PM full of thoughts about work. This is not role modeling the self regulation that we ask for... 

It seems to me that we are asking for/demanding actions that the kids are not able to fulfill, like in a school environment we are scaffolding them to their better natures. But that is not necessarily therapy as it is often not a choice, in the moment. That is where the tension is... holding them to account - while also trying to remove ourselves enough to support them in processing their behavior and actions. I am not sure I am a "good" therapist... I ask very much of them, but also sometimes do their work for them. But why would teenagers be ready to do anything other than what I am saying... they don't have the inner motivation, they don't have the experience, and no one in their lives (who they would listen to) is willing to coach them through the steps of growing through pain, rather than avoiding it. 

Why would anything change? And if so... why stay. You've done this before, you know its a long slog... its a good role, but is it your role?

Part 3: 

I was thinking while half asleep that I need a poetry prompt book, and need to sit every night and write something out. Poetry more than journaling, more than other things in general actually holds weight for me. Even the poems I write that I dislike have a memory or an insight to them that I don't necessarily get from journaling. I woke up thinking about ars poetica (a poem about writing poetry), and wondering if I should do one with my students. Today and yesterday I was comforted several times by old poems written throughout my decades, and kind of amazed that I both knew and didn't know their power at the time. Some sort of magic. 

I've been finding comfort in Netflix and old vices. In some ways, both remind me that there is a world beyond my own, and in other ways allow me to escape in ways that I am not sure I should find comfort in. What does it lead to?  I am more messy than I let on. There are things that would actually make me feel better -going for a walk, getting my laundry done, cleaning the apartment, journaling, writing poetry, connecting with a friend, finding actual love... but I am vegging out eating cookies that give me stomach aches, and watching tv. Everything feels so familiar, like I went through it 2 decades ago, and it bothers me how little I've changed despite changing so much. 

I am telling myself a story of who I am... and lost in it again. It might be time to go travel or do a silent retreat, or eat some mushrooms.