Will this be the last post of the year?

I started writing this a few days ago, Christmas Day. But the weekend was this super lonely numbing experience, and I was all existential in my head, and all desperate for distraction in my body. 

This morning I went into work and had a hard time shaking it. Looking around at the walls, and the office, and the people, I had this feeling like none of it mattered all that much. like I was ready to walk away at any time. I sat with my coworkers for a few trainings, felt a little more like I was part of something. But not really. I am kind of hoping that the clinical trainee I am training in becomes my replacement. Not because she is exceptionally good or anything, but because at least she'd be familiar with the kids, the routine, the space. 

I wrote the green and the blue on Christmas, the rest tonight. Back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Aggression and sexuality / masculine energy / lust for life

One of the things I've been thinking I need to bring up in therapy is being supported by a number of conversations and books I have read lately, namely, that due to the shame I have felt in my life, I downplay my aggression and sexuality. Simply put, I am afraid of them as they have led to consequences I don't like... also, the jobs that I have taken, require a high degree of trust in me as a person, and that I won't take advantage of or make people uncomfortable... these roles have traditionally been performed by women (teachers/counselors/caretaker roles), and so suppressing some of those masculine traits is kind of par for the course. So for most of my life I have been downplaying these traits... sometimes this behavior has led me to act out in other ways. And so, when I think of the shadow work I need to do, it's basically to reclaim my masculine traits. I am not sure how to do that. Not sure how it would play out in relationships or at work. Some folks look to my leadership or my knowledge and suggest if I were more action oriented I'd be more successful and others would benefit as well. 

How this suppression has actually played out in my life is that I have very little passion -have in fact pursued a path in which I don't seek out excitement or drama, don't try to conquer or grab for power, don't jump to the things that seem to bring joy. Don't claim anything. Don't seek out. Maybe that is the wisdom of recognizing that those things are temporary highs. Grabbing and reaching will inevitably lead to disappointment/decline. Or maybe it's because I have lost the lust for life, have not invested in that masculine energy. Have just accepted that mellowness that melancholy. 

I've noticed that I continue to have some passion for work, and enjoy things still... the little beauties, the awe, the gratitude and joy. But not the lust for life, for thriving, for succeeding.  

I've always comforted myself with saying that it is a wiser path, a soulful path. But what is my human body and ego supposed to do with that except to decline? I need to invest in something that is both for myself and bigger than myself. 

Of course, maybe this is also because my attempts to reach have left me devastated. Maybe the Covid world and the decline of the American empire echoes what I am experiencing...but other people don't seem to have this issue. Or at least have people around to commiserate with? I am not different, just haven't found my group to complain to. 

Lonely Christmas

I am sitting at home alone. I have seen some family and will see some more in an hour or so... but ultimately its been a very low key Christmas. No magic. Some folks have Covid in the family. But I have also turned down offers to spend more time with folks, friends, family etc. I am limiting my time with people because when I am around them I am so aware of what is lacking... What am I contributing?  Where is the carrying on?  In most ways, its just the lack of relationship and no kids, but also just the thing of like -what is this leading to? is there a goal here?  

I have been silly and spending too much time on social media, and the fomo is real. I see lots of beautiful photos of folks who look happy. And it makes me question why I am alone. Why I don't look forward to seeing my friends, or family during the holiday. It just sucks. 

But it's harder to stay present with the feelings. I want to escape. I might even take an edible tonight and  eat some pie. Social media, something to fill the space please???

What would you like this time next year?

brainstorm:

It is a broken record, in a lot of ways it is more like, what are you willing to change?

Travel. New job. New place. new friends. new hang out or a social hobby. new partner. spiritual practice  -maybe I need some kundalini. A creative project to complete (poems, stories, art, video), a place to perform. a space to be. I dunno... 

I'd like to attend a holiday without feeling like I've fallen behind, to feel proud to celebrate, to want to be amongst the gathered. 

Changes for the new year?

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I have been getting frustrated with my body, the lack of exercise, the aches and pains, the sag of 10 or 20 extra pounds. I could probably do something with that. 

I continue to avoid returning to the UU church. Even though I liked it, I didn't find a home there. I didn't really make new friends or find a partner. I found a congregation to cry amongst and a few good conversations, I found dreams but not steps. 

I dunno... I dunno. I dunno. 

I watch so many movies and tv shows and the drama of connection and disconnection, the heart break and the repair, the promised joining. I want to be in love again.