Jeremy Enigk ‘How It Feels To Be Something On’ in Tampa FL 01/18/2019 Su...

I was sitting at the Spyhouse on Nicollet, growing slowly bored, restless, fueled by caffeine but not quite creative, not quite inspired. I have lost some of my tolerance for sitting still in public, how many hours have I spent in that same building? but with each passing minute I was more and more ready to pick up and leave, and to do what? I had no plans, a simple set of ideas, a few responsibilities easily pushed aside. Time to myself, too much really. And all the same, I was ready to run. 

I steadied myself a little while longer, made it to 200 pages in the book I read 5 years ago? 6? 8? 

A book that promises so much, and so slowly fulfills, soothes and smothers you. 

I awoke this morning wondering and optimistic about my capabilities (time to learn a new song *posted, time to write the next chapter of that book, time to pastel some masterpiece, time to meet someone fascinating), and it is nearly 20 after 5 and I am ready for bed. If it weren't for laundry and the thought of wasted time, I might have gone to dream early. 

This morning I had a dream that some magical jungle cat and I were bonded, and I was at a family gathering, without tension, and rolling along with this cat, and not so allergic. 

I was sitting in the coffee shop wondering if I should call on the universe to make something happen. Test it. Manifest it. Whatever you want to call it. And I had that thought about that dream that terrified me, the one the first therapist brushed aside, and the second said was a steady answer to my grand illusion that I have control over everything, but neither seemed to get the point, which is to say there is something special, and maybe terrifying here. And I wondered if like Kvothe in the Name of the Wind, I could simply call it into my life, name the thing that had been missing, and move on to the next chapter. But I left instead. Started some laundry. Will probably not leave the house again tonight, and if I do, only to get fast-food. 

Tomorrow I see Rachel, and if I am honest, I'd prefer to spend a few hours sitting in a coffeeshop reading and people watching instead of meeting with a friend. But I am aware that all this alone time isn't exactly calling anything new into my life either. 

I dunno. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be ready for a walk.