Dissipate

I dedicate this to you,

            but first, 

                        fire

            -scorch the earth collected 

            blow out the flame, 

                  watch,     inhale,   let go

the whispers reach heavenward,       

the scent broadens through the space,

-and with it,

the taste of

            the first painful bite

            an outline traced

            as plumes of smoke

            recreate your face

a memory, 

            twirls, salutes

                    twists into nothingness

                                                let go

snakes across my collar bone, 

            knotting into my chest, 

branching across the bridge of my nose

to aggravate my eyelashes

                                                let go

cascades, 

            diving, colliding this;

                        sorrow swirls,

            taut and flaring,

                        a maelstrom uprooting

                                                let go

                        watch them narrow, eddy

            watch them divide,

forked fingers,            fearful

            bent knuckles, twisting,

                        tapping the vaporous

            scratching 

                        until dissolution 

                  watch,     inhale,   let go.

PS

PS on that last post,

Left between protecting my concept of you, and my concept of myself, I throw myself out the window to protect my heart (and concept of you). 

How many times have I expressed that in a million ways.

And still... even though it causes me to act out, to hurt, to hate, to be bitter, I keep doing it.

Some part of me has tied this idea to the larger self... its a values thing. 

I am only forgivable for my actions, if I can forgive you, believe in you, love you. 

Is this a christian thing? (my child version of christianity was extremely black and white)

Is this an empath, middle child, child of divorce, caretaker thing?

I am an optimistic cynic. I will acknowledge my hatred and pain, but I will always fight my own anger and bitterness to protect this underlying value, otherwise I don't really see any point in living. 

If there isn't hope that people can change and be their true selves, then what is the point?

crying... And something else

The last few days I have had headaches, stomach aches, the energy depleted. It's been ugly, cold and wintery. Even when the sun has been out, it's felt lacking. I thought I had a migraine. But ultimately I just felt disconnected from my self and the world, the sensory all tremendously irritating. I felt like I needed to cry, but couldn't. It kept getting stuck. Today I did some meditation, but it wasn't very conscious, I didn't have the brain power for making it conscious, so I just sat with it, and suddenly began to cry. And it felt good. Embarrassing to use a half dozen napkins at this coffee shop but ultimately good.

I have been watching YOU, because Shultz (sad this isn't her name anymore...) recommended it, and as I texted her at 12:30 am (1:30 am her time) I find it to be "obnoxiously relatable." Not the killing part. But the rest. The human mind is funny.

"This belongs"
((Radical Compassion by Tara Brach))
Part of the book I am reading and using to meditate, asks the person to seek out the feeling (get out of the thoughts) and then attend to the feeling, saying things like "this belongs" so that you aren't judging yourself and distracting from the healing. Typical mix of buddhism, body work and western psychology. The type of shit I read all the time. But it's important to make a practice of it... and so I did and began to cry, "this belongs," and suddenly so much more capacity to feel.


My intentions were good. They were loving. They were oriented in trying to meet a need I saw in you, and one in me. I heard your heart song, and knew it, and knew you knew mine. "...oh..." that subtle attunement that suddenly feels like a hammer blow. I had hoped by attending to yours, you'd have the capacity to attend to mine. Maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe, the secret is that we all have to attend to our own, remind ourselves we are lovable, belong, have a place, are worthy, are acceptable in our full selves.  I couldn't be what you NEEDED me to be, and you couldn't be what I NEEDED you to be. The desperation was palpable. I saw the little ways you were holding yourself back and judged. You saw mine. We rejected each other and by doing so, ourselves. We pulled back. Acted out. The cycle repeats. This is karmic attachment after all. 
Underneath though, or rather, more directly on the surface of life, I fell in love, experienced more than I have in a long time, found places of myself I hadn't known, depths I'd not encountered, shallows I'd been afraid to admit. I spent so much time just loving the feeling of your presence that the world felt bitter without it. I watched myself bypass my own boundaries, talk myself off the ledge of safety and fear, choose the flame of life, get burned, and all in the desire for growth, for healing, or maybe just for the longed for feeling of comfort. It was real, but I let it become the only reality, compromise the rest of me for it, addictive. And then it was gone. And I have been fiending ever since. 

What was it I wanted and could not express?  Oh isn't that the melody?
Love me, accept me, understand me without me having to ask, wrap me up in your hugs, cherish my accomplishments and my mistakes, challenge me to grow by seeing the next step, offer the boost, so that I don't have to be afraid anymore, don't have to second guess my every move, word, thought. Assure me I am not wrong for my desires, and that you trust my choices, and can forgive me easily when I stumble. See me for my whole self, encourage me to expand, to express, to speak through the megaphone again and again. To dance. To laugh. To leap across the gaps and discomforts. Hold my hand when I am in it. Pull me back when I am lost. Inspire me to move forward. Not just the good stuff either, see me for my wrongs and hold me accountable with loving embrace. Love me fully. Be present with me, and by doing so, allow me to open up and be... to just be everything I am. 

Voiceless. We were both left voiceless, acting out, wishing the other would attend to us, fulfill us, inspire us, know us so completely and meet our needs without us having to ask. 


And when I did ask? Defensiveness. Rejection. Projection. 
I need to remind myself it's projection, a defense mechanism, not a judgment. Throwing it back in my face. Treating me the exact way you've been feeling, ashamed, alone, guilty, too hurt to open up. Leave me with the feeling of abandonment. Blame me for stonewalling, because the truth is that as much as I was talking, I still wasn't meeting your need, so it didn't matter. Accuse me of using you. Because you wanted me to be enough, but I couldn't be, so it felt like you were using me. I wasn't enough to fill the hole, so you were reminded just how big the hole was, and rather than face it, blame me for not trying hard enough... just like you feel all the time. Not enough. Not acceptable. Not understood. Not loved. Not comforted. Not connected. Not enough. 

What does that little one need? Inside you're afraid it won't come. And it's true, it always has been, it must always be... So then why try? Reject them all before they reject you. They'll never understand. Never be what you need them to be.

This is what I understood to be true about you, and about me. But no matter what I did to try to connect and show you, and no matter what you did to try to connect and show me, it wasn't enough to assure either of us. 
Our song is a lonely song. I know it is shared by all of humanity, but our desperation... ohhh. 

and it's ok. It's real. It is as it is. It's just....



I was talking about my dad, and my Therapist stopped me, he said what is that "...oh..." asked me to write about the feeling that is the most. 

STOP in the moment, that moment that it hits you, that you need the other person to reassure, but they are unavailable. So you stop breathing, try to disarm the reflex to tighten, to hide, to shrink, try to swallow all your hopes with the sticky saliva, and extend your heart to them instead. Your stomach is knotted, your heart is aching, your voice caught in your throat, but you force through it, try to reassure them its ok that they are disappointing you, even disemboweling you - though they haven't guessed it yet. You know you would feel guilty, so you assuage their guilt preemptively, try to assure them they are still worthy of your love, and why? 
Because the "...oh" is the moment before heartbreak, a half second to save yourself, armor up, before you collapse. It's a half second before the impending doom, a recognition so real, that there isn't a choice. It's not rejection though it feels like it is, its not abandonment though it feels like it is, its the recognition that the other person will not choose you, no matter how easy you make it, maybe they can't (but of course you can't reconcile that in the moment). All you know is that you're not enough to be attended to, so take all the remaining energy you have and give it to them. It's a different type of projection, the same defense mechanism to avoid heartbreak, only disguised as caring. And you tell yourself its just this one time... but it becomes every time (or it feels that way). It becomes a pattern, of stopping the moment at the "oh" and instead of feeling the pain, turning it around and saying "You must be hurting quite a lot to do that to me, so let me extend my love back, even as it tears me into two, because you are worthy, and I need you to recognize that so that you'll assure me I am..." 

Disguised as caring, because there isn't enough left. Not really. I can't hold on to who I thought I was, and who I thought you were, so I'd rather pretend (this is a child's defense mechanism after all). Pretend like I am good and lovable by giving to you, reminding you of who I believe you are(assuming you must need the reminder), so that I don't have to feel what must be true if...

because the moment is deafening. Steals all the magic from the space. No longer a universe of infinite abundance, the bomb has gone off, there is no safety left, and it has sucked all the oxygen away and left me dizzy struggling to stand in place. There is only fear. Scarcity. Limits. Starvation. Here, you have it. The fact that you didn't offer it to me must mean I don't deserve it as much. Let my eyes and silenced voice ask the question, am I at least deserving of your crumbs?

Living and creating without an audience

...is difficult.

I was always impressed with M's ability to tell a story, to make even the mundane interactions into something worth hearing. I envied that ability, and didn't share my own stories.  I am reading a blog by the energy worker lady, she is discussing her process of creating or rather reflecting -a sort of documentation of the self -during the writing process. I had a blog like that for a while.

I have a desire to be good at something. My confidence isn't very high right now. I wish I had an audience to impress, but I fear I would let them down, as I have let myself down.

I really want to write a poem about being a rebound, giving some substance to the impact of it. I am struggling because the reality is a thing falling, cracking apart and revealing less substance than was previously believed, a sinkhole that devours and not much more. So the poem is a lament. An ode to a thing that was not. A blueprint never truly constructed. A construction site... is it worth excavating?
And yet, I dwell.  I dwell on no one acknowledging it. I dwell on the lack of audience. This was a period of my life, and the only proof I have is an ache. I used to worry that something would happen to her and I would show up at the funeral a mess, and no one would know (so many signs that something was off). I want to make it a story. Something complete. Something that compels, something that makes sense and names the wound. Something that causes the audience to say, I see now, there was something there, and it fell away without warning, so you aren't sure in your steps anymore...

It was nice to have the aura reader ask if someone had pulled away suddenly.
It was nice to have my parents say that they saw it was genuine (if temporary).

Idols and relationships

Struggled to sleep. Sometimes I think it has to do with the weather, maybe the full moon. Who knows. I had a million interesting dreams and wanted to stay part of them, but woke up in time for church.
In the shower I was arguing with her about love, painting her further and further into something she is not. This is my own way of trying to argue myself into boundaries and asserting my feelings, it likely has nothing to do with who she is. I want to send her a birthday text in a month, wishing her well. I want it to be real, genuine, and not a snide remark. I want to celebrate her, and also myself.
At church I realized I'd been harboring this grudge and that it wasn't what I really wanted, it was a distraction. I relaxed into the pew, but felt aches in my neck, shoulders and chest.
I want something genuine, something true, and I let myself be distracted by this relationship. The self deception and desire forced me into a corner. I continued to try to be what she needed, hiding my truth. It was a distraction, a drama, a karmic showdown, and it wasn't what either of us needed.
And then the preacher talked about idols, and I realized how easy it is to turn a relationship or a person into an idol. To want to constrict and control, to limit our self, and the other person, rather than be curious and open to the universe. It is easy to see how quickly something can go off kilter, one small deception, one small grievance, suddenly the world falls down all around us, and we point fingers and blame ourself or the other person. Both of us were caught up in an idol. Afraid of the truth because it was too big to comprehend.

And yet, all day I have been stunned by beautiful (attractive) people. I am so easily swayed to those limiting forms. So shallow, so awed by the impermanent. Three of four people smiled at me today, and any one of them could take me for the next spin down the wrong strand of karma. And I'd enjoy it immensely. Falling in love is a beautiful idol, G-d's image, breath, creation, but a finite piece is not G-d.

Sunshine, Energy, Bodies, Loneliness

Sunshine:
It was gray today, but for the last week its been sunny most days and the change in energy, motivation and feeling is absurd. It's hard to explain how big of a difference it makes. I've felt up for going for walks, seeing people, exploring. I've been singing and dancing and enjoying life, and then when the sun sets, I want to retreat into the covers of my bed.
It had been over a week before the sun shone, and I was getting nearly as dismal as the sky. The sun came out and I crawled up the water spout. 


Energy Healing (She would say she isn't the healer, but that she helps guide the source):
I went and saw an energy healer last week. Ever since my aura reader person I have been wanting to do this, and I saw it advertised and looked the lady up and decided in a split second to go. She asked why I chose her, and I mentioned her name sounded like an actress, but there was something else too. I am pretty sure she is a Korean adoptee, and there was something about the transference that made me want to go to her specifically. They don't look alike at all. Personality wise, she couldn't have been farther, but if I looked out of the corner of my eye at the right angle, with my glasses off, it felt like M was giving me back some of the energy she drained me of... and that was a weird helpful thing. The experience made me feel light headed, and goofy. I stumbled out of there with a grin on my face. Later I felt a little off, but the next few days, with the sunshine... I just felt more whole. More myself.  The actual experience was similar to reiki, but not reiki. The lady was really good at explaining with just enough detail, but not too much. She was reassuring and her voice reminded me of Lune Innate from youtube, word choice, phrasing, maybe all energy healers sound like that. I was really happy with the experience. At times I felt like I got a little more in touch with the larger picture of myself and my memories. That things were not good/bad, pain & anger or nostalgia and clinging... they just were what they were. And it was true I loved. And it is true I hurt. And none of this will keep me from a future that's better for me.


Bodies:
In the shower this morning, I realized I have had a mark on my leg for months. I thought it was a cut that I didn't noticed, that scabbed over and would heal. Its in the area where I got burned. I worried that maybe I have had skin cancer and didn't pay attention. I don't know. Could just be a scar that I shouldn't worry about. 

I went to an Embodied Antiracist Culture community workshop today, a space where white people deal with what it means to be white and antiracist, knowing that their bodies are capable of hurting people, but hoping to do the right thing too. Knowing it takes healing, and practice, and community. It was honestly a great experience and made me very comfortable with acknowledging that there are spaces in my body/history where I have been uncomfortable and will continue to be, and that is good. I processed an experience I had at work that lead to the fight, that M blamed on our breaking up.  She was so triggered and so intent on using it to make her point that she never even followed up... but I did, I will continue to, because regardless of her, this is one of the things that makes me me. 
I wish I could go to the group every month, but it will be during work hours. It will also be at M's work from now on, which is weird. I texted shultz one day to ask what the ethics around that were, and whether I should give her a heads up or just stroll in because its a public space. The politics of an unhealthy relationship. It didn't have to be this way. I didn't make it this way, even though I keep worrying I did. This was not my plan or choice. 

My Dad had surgery on his shoulder. They realized it was worse off than they expected, and did a bit of reconstruction. The recovery will be longer. There may need to be more surgeries. My Dad is on pain pills and slightly more irritable. He is worried they fucked him up more than he would like to be, worried that he won't get his mobility back, worried that it will lead down hill.  I am too. I have to "babysit" him on monday and tuesday, which doesn't mean much. Watch a movie or two. His hearing has deteriorated so much that it is difficult to talk with him sometimes. I really worry more about that than his arm, but he prides himself on being able to work/being active. Our egos are so fragile. 

Loneliness:
I keep seeing beautiful (mostly younger) folks at the coffee shops. I crave attention, possibility, someone who desires me. There are 8 billion people out there and I am wondering why I don't have anyone who wants to hold me at night. Today at the workshop, a person stopped me on the way out to introduce themselves. I should have taken that as a sign, that they kept talking even as I was bundled up and moving away. But I wasn't interested. As easy as swiping left. I was on my way out and already on to the next thing in my head. I was polite to her, but I don't remember her name and probably won't remember her face if I ever make it back there. I don't think I am even ready for a relationship, what would that be like for the person? Hey I was in love with my ex, probably still am, she went silent on me which drove me more crazy, now I am way more insecure than I was when I met her... how are you? How can I prove that I am lovable? How can I do that without care taking you until you throw me out an airlock?

I am hoping that I get a call about having a new job next week. Otherwise, I don't know. 
I have the money to stay unemployed. To travel. To make mistakes. But I want a career that is meaningful and supports me. I don't have the partner or kids to ground me. I don't have enough friends who can pressure me into doing myself good. I have to do it by myself, or maybe I might float away. Do something ridiculous. 

Session 1 of Neurofeedback: Rollercoaster

I want to write about the last few days, but before I get, I really want to document my first experience with neurofeedback:

So today I got lots of sleep, felt really good. Chatted with Courtney this morning, and generally felt confident and happy. I was laughing at things. The sun was out. I didn't eat that much, but didn't care.

Before the session I drank some coffee (might have been a bad choice?)

When I got there I was still feeling good. Started feeling a little nervous when we were scaling things, then felt my normal anxiety/embarrassment when she asked me to choose something on netflix or youtube and I couldn't decide. This was the normal level I would experience, and after picking Parks and Rec, I calmed down just fine.
I am going to amplify some of the word choices here to express the feeling of it, even though it was much more subtle when I was actually experiencing it, yet afterwards I was really creeped out and needed to put words to the experience (thus amplifying to really understand). This experience felt kind of similar to taking drugs. For someone like myself that is so used to being able to recognize, name and process feelings, it was completely unsettling.

The show began and I felt enthused, laughed a lot, felt like I should be multitasking a bit more, and started to watch and think about related things. I was intrigued by the process and wanted to know how it was working. It felt really good, and then suddenly I noticed feeling less enthused, less energized and a little bit uncomfortable in my stomach. This came on slowly enough that when she started asking me questions, and I couldn't think clearly, I didn't know what to say. Suddenly I realized my body felt weighted down internally, as if I was completely lacking energy, I wasn't excited or motivated, I could barely form words or pay attention to anything. Multitasking felt impossible at this moment, the show, her voice, the room, my body, there wasn't enough energy to deal with all of it. I would say an amplification of this was almost like being catatonic, and it had occurred so without my awareness that I felt I must be tricking myself into it. I had thoughts like "I'm fooling myself." "I feel crazy." "I feel stupid"  as this continued, I feel like the closest feeling for what I was experiencing was shame. She asked if I felt nauseous and I said yes, and then felt a little better because I truly wondered if I was just being stupid.
This feeling of nausea and weighted down internally gradually shifted into feeling low energy, but weighted both internally and externally (like a weighted blanket mixed with a heavy uncomfortable meal, thoughts were there, but only in short spurts, and though i could watch the show, it wasn't as funny, and everything was making me sad. I realized this felt different than a few minutes before, it felt like grief, like that moment when you are about to cry and don't even know why, or have any ability to stop yourself, or maybe don't want to.

After a few minutes of this, I felt tension in my stomach, but it wasn't the same nausea. It was more like having an ache. I could think clearly again, and didn't feel like crying but I was unsettled.

A little while later (I may get the order of this mixed up) I started to feel a range of nervousness anxiety excitement fear, this began with a little nervousness in my stomach, then in my diaphragm, then later in my chest, I would say at times it felt like the nervousness of stage fright, while at other times anxiety/emotional dysregulation, and other times like adrenaline, or even fear, at a certain point I had the thought "if this continues I will have a panic attack" and kind of found it intriguing. At one point, I recognized my right palm was sweating a lot. This period was such a subtle range that it is hard to describe thoughts or feelings. I was able to concentrate and laugh again at the show. I did not feel agitation or anger externally, but did feel it in my limbs, stomach, and chest, at different times. I also started to have to pee really bad. I did feel annoyed that she kept asking about the tension/ and my headache which had come on suddenly at some point and stayed but ranged in degree, it was almost entirely centered in the back of my head on the right, and through my neck and shoulder. It was not strong enough that it bothered me, but being continually reminded of it made me a little annoyed, when my attention was much more fixated on the rest of my body.
-at a certain point during this phase, I started feeling fine again, and she stopped it to adjust one of the sensors, and the moment she stopped it I had a spike of anxiety that ran through my whole body, and made feel really uncomfortable, plus more racing thoughts than I'd been experiencing all day. When it started again, I don't think that remained very long but I have forgotten the order. It was after the adjustment that I realized my left palm was sweating a lot and my right no longer was.

Near the end I started to feel more like I had at the beginning, only much less settled. At this point my stomach was still sort of nervous, and I felt like my legs NEEDED to be on the ground. Like I did not have control over this, and every moment that they were not on the ground I was losing focus (very similar to when I need to wash my hands). The closest I can describe to the last part of this is the end of a roller coaster when you are pulling in and know that it is done, but you're still feeling the adrenaline. My mind, body and emotions felt fine again except I felt creeped out. I felt a very strong need to be grounded, and was put off by the lack of control I had.
She briefly reminded me this was all normal and ok.

I went to the bathroom and felt a little better but on the ride home, I felt really unsettled still. One of the thoughts that was going through my head was that I shouldn't go on days when I am already feeling good, because I will leave feeling worse. I took a shower and felt much more calm. Decided to eat a salad, but after eating I was suddenly nauseous again. Ate some chocolate, felt a little better. Then went and walked around the lake (and tried to think through the experience). I really wanted to talk through it more, and also I have been craving sweets since being there.

Its unfortunate that I can't remember the order of the nervous/anxious part better. I had the distinct feeling of it being in my stomach, diaphragm and chest, and that they felt very different from each other, but that my body responded similarly like my limbs, or different parts of my limbs felt activated, and the headache stayed similar.

It really makes me want to learn more about the frequencies and compare to chakras and emotion/thought processes, because it felt soooooo out of my personal control.

Songs and Dreams

First of all, a side note. Really enjoying the Hadestown album by Anais Mitchell and presumably the cast. Is it a soundtrack? I dunno, but it's fun and a couple of the songs really get at some of those deep human things, and a couple others are just kind of beautiful poetics like the opening track "Wedding Song."

I was first introduced to Hadestown through Live From Here (Which is where I get all my music these days),  Anais sang "Why We Build the Wall" which is not about US politics, but she sang the songs by herself in interviews and performances at the time, and it took awhile to adjust to the cast. I'd like to see the performance, I imagine some visuals would make the other sounds make more sense. 

I read somewhere that some folks consider music a separate language of love. A way of sharing thoughts and feelings that can't be expressed through words or actions. It reminds me a lot that at the beginning of relationships I've had a lot of people try to share their favorite music with me. I wonder if this were acknowledged, whether some communication issues between folks could be worked out. Like "Hey, I know you can't explain right now, what's a song that comes to mind?"

I keep struggling to sleep. Stomach issues, and the air in my apartment. The way it gets dry before it snows. The way my humidifier doesn't seem to be doing enough. The thrashing. The Dreams. The cold and heat. I know I slept a lot last night and the night before, but I woke up continuously feeling like I hadn't. 

The other night I had a dream. I don't remember all the plot. I remember holding a heavy book, leather bound, precious. The book was clearly important, but it had been soaked. And I was holding it, not wanting to let it go, the promise of magic, or maybe I'd already attached to the story, but I was unable to open it again for fear that opening would cause the ink to run and smudge. The story would never get to be read, it would remain a mystery, or incomplete. I kept carrying it around wherever I went, asking people for help or hoping they would acknowledge it. 

My mom was in the dream, and she said something. I don't know if it was directly related or if it were  something that I applied to the book. But suddenly I was looking down and realizing that the damp book in my hands would have to be let go. Telling myself I could pick it up later, find a different addition, find something else to read. But in its current state, it would never do me any good. It was just an anchor in my hands holding me down, and it wasn't my burden to bear. 

Last night I had a number of strange dreams. I am not sure which are related or even what the order was anymore (maybe the first is actually the second one?) But they seemed significant.  

1) I was on the bus. The bus driver spoke another language and it seemed that everyone else did too. There was a major party happening in a park to our right. A festival really. I knew I was supposed to be chaperoning, and that my shift would begin soon, but the bus driver would not let me off the bus. Other people waited patiently, but I did not. I wasn't sure if they were going to drive ahead or just keep letting us off one at a time very slowly. The bus driver gave me no indication of anything, but would not allow me off. I kept looking out the window to the festival below, knowing that I was both responsible and missing a good time. I wondered how many buses were waiting in this queue. If there was some sort of capacity of the festival that they couldn't exceed, I wanted to shout at them that I had my place there, I was supposed to be there, I had a job to do! but they didn't care at all. And every moment that passed I felt like my life was being wasted. 

2) I was walking away from something. If I had to say, it was Cedar Manor my elementary school, and I was headed toward the sledding hill by myself. I know I hoped to join others there, the sort of trickling end of the festival?  I was determined to have my own fun regardless. 

On the way, I passed my older brother and another man. He was dressed as a security guard and somehow I knew he was working as a guard for the school (dressed more like a british police man). Two young african american boys were fighting. James and the other guard were trying to settle the manner, but focused on one of the boys while the other stomped off in a huff. I passed the boy who was stomping around, and could read on his face a desire to be attended to, but I was too busy going to my sledding hill, and wanted to trust that the others could handle it (not do their jobs for them). I turned to see the boy stomp back and kick my brother in the butt. I laughed. But when I looked back again, I saw my brother with a stick beating the boy mercilessly. And called out for him to stop. He stopped but did not look guilty.

I carried on to the sledding hill angrily. Determined to live my life and have a good time, but internally feeling betrayed and furious that he would do something like this. 

I continued to sled, going off jumps and generally being amazing (I was a star at sledding!) but was distracted the whole time. Eventually I went to the top of the hill and realized I'd have to play my part. 

3) I was searching through the rooms at the party, trying to have a good time, but also find something I had lost. A credit card? I kept bumping into people who I know vaguely (they were all from high school) and they wanted brief awkward updates on life, or rather, they wanted to be acknowledged, but quickly realized I was preoccupied with something else. Most would walk away with a look like they knew I was fooling myself, and they knew the joke, but I didn't.  

I continued to search and ran into my Brother. I was still furious, he said something along the lines of "You should see the bruise the kid left." but I asked where the kid was now, and he didn't know. I asked if it was possible the kid was still in the hospital, and he agreed that it might be so, but was still not feeling bad. I told him he was a monster (I am sure in different words), and walked away. He didn't seem to care, but I desperately hoped that he would have a change of heart. 

I continued to search the party, as the people disappeared and eventually the rooms were empty but I still couldn't find my credit card. 

The house was going to be raided by the police soon (drug deals), and the family that was hosting was getting nervous and wanted to be polite but also wanted everyone to leave (or at least fake it). I felt they should get in trouble, take responsibility for their own stuff, and each time I left a room I had that feeling that I knew the joke and they didn't.  Eventually we were all in a room, and someone had set up a video that played porn the moment you entered, but I knew there were children wandering around and turned it off (ruining their prank). I gathered a bunch of things, journals and stuff that seemed really helpful, but still couldn't find my credit card. People began asking me for the numbers (to steal from me), and I ignored them. Eventually I gave up, but also realized that it wasn't as big of a deal as I had thought, just disappointing to start over.

A desire to do my job, but forced into limbo, unable to communicate the importance of my moving forward. Caught in a line of others who seem to have patiently accepted their place, given some understanding that I don't seem to have. 

A desire to be care free, to have fun, to be a star, without the responsibility or distraction that always pulls me back.

The bully I was furious with that defended himself by hurting others, didn't seem to regret his actions, betraying his values.

A room full of people with a different agenda, none all that helpful, some directly opposed to my achieving what I am hoping to find. Most indifferent.

A credit card... a promised security that I have lost, collecting journals and my voice back, disappointment setting in, but a recognition that I can move forward without it? 

A friend reminded me the other day that one way of interpreting dreams is that each part is a part of yourself.  What part of me is waiting patiently, and what yearning to move forward?  Wants to have fun and be carefree, slide down the hill into stardom, but can't shake the internal, part of me that is a bully and another that stands up against it, part that is searching, another that is indifferent or holding me back.   

Dreams are fun. 

Throat Chakra Issues

I am watching Nicola talk about how fear keeps people trapped, and from speaking their truth, and I question, what fear is keeping me from speaking up?

I am aware of the messages I was told, that my words hurt, that they can't be trusted, that they weren't wanted.

During our relationship, the two songs that often played in my ear when things weren't going well were from Rent "I should tell you" the song between Mimi and Roger, and "Take me or leave me" the song between Maureen and Joanne, both songs talk about communication issues between the couples -being honest and open, appreciating/being appreciated and accepting a person as they are. Both are more about the characters own hang ups than the issue between them, but none of them can see that.

I am aware that I routinely subdued my own reactions because I understood her patterns, her relationships or lack of, understood why they were there and why they might be happening. I tried not to personalize these patterns, but inevitably by accommodating for her unhealthy patterns,  I wasn't listening to or speaking my own stuff.

After our relationship ended, I continued to do this, focusing on the patterns and intellectualizing the relationship rather than feeling the hurt/anger in my response. I felt abandoned, but said that it was for the better -which though true, was skipping over the difficult part where healing was needed.

I am aware that I felt my truth was dismissed, ignored, unheard. That my heart was not held. That when I asked for support or help, I was shamed for not being strong enough. That when I asked for what I needed, it was denied.

I am also aware that I decided that some things should be kept secret or private because they were safer. And that generally, I withheld talking about the difficult aspects of my relationship because I felt it would be disloyal.

Towards the end I withheld, didn't share, fell into my own secretive patterns, and in not being able to speak my truth, acted out.

I am aware that I often withheld judgments in the moment, because I was trying to appreciate all aspects of a situation.

Lately, the places I have been pained and hot, were not just in my heart, not just the nausea in my stomach, but a heat in my upper chest. Like I had something to get out, and instead it just fumed inside.

I have a need to say something, to assert myself honestly, but don't want to be hurtful. Don't want to recycle this pain back and forth. I want it to be healed.

I have found that writing, has been the best way of balancing myself, so even though it often feels negative, when I walk away from journaling, I feel less negative. My negative thinking and doubts, are so strong... and I need to consciously place them outside myself.

I feel better when I am living with integrity, and being honest with myself and others. But I don't want to act it out, I want to be able to express it.

Routinely during our relationship I saw her inability to speak, literal loss of words, repeating phrases and stories, not understanding, feeling too scared or angry to address things. She complained of pains, and pushed things away without addressing them. It became a reality of our relationship that we were avoiding her often unspoken fears.

This pattern is something I have felt numerous times, and I need to address it within my family, especially with my Dad, but then also my brothers and my mom. Then practice it in relationship.

Regain my voice and not be afraid of the rejection and loss, learn to not take it personally when it happens. Easier said than done.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I get discouraged when I read a really good book, because I have so much work to do on mine. I am still struggling with point of view and accidentally dabbling in multiple POVS or going omniscient when I mean to be limited. It's difficult.


I just finished All the Light We Cannot See: which was recommended by a bunch of folks, and I liked it, but found it slow at first and felt it jumped between POV characters too quickly. I am not sure how I feel about the ending, it isn't hopeful, but it feels realistic. For a moment in the story, the stars align. But it does not end on that note, it goes back to being gritty and not magical at all. Even many of those moments when there could be an outpouring of emotion, are undermined with the reality of human subtlety, and our desire to escape anything that feels too real. We aren't characters in a movie with multiple heart-felt awakenings... just human. Afraid. Shy. Unaware how our behavior impacts others' stories.

The subtleties of "showing up" for people... what are we to do with that?  I wonder if I will ever feel I was enough, did the right thing, etc. It's funny how books like this remind me (referring to previous post) that to be human is to be flawed. The "good" die as easily as the "bad" and make the same mistakes along the way.

Sometimes I sit and wait. I wait for the next step in my life. I wait for the next thing to call me. I wait for an interruption. I wait for something fated. I feel like my life is getting back on track, but I keep expecting it to feel magical. Or hoping it will. But that isn't human. We are far more fragile,  more often met with tragedy than success, or at least just as often. My horoscope, fortune cookies and tarot readers love to share the good news, that my lucky star is just around the corner -You just have to believe, get out of the way, take the right step, notice the opportunity. I wonder if life is more about recognizing the blessings after the fact, and reminding yourself to say I love you, please, thank you at every opportunity so that you don't miss your chance. Victoria said she loved me (friendship) on the phone, and I said yeah, hit me up later.  My Dad called and said he couldn't hear me, and I said we'd talk later.  Maybe I am missing my lucky stars every single time. Not fully grasping the importance yet, and maybe the lesson will have to repeat until it strangles this lifetime and launches me into the next.

In a lot of the soul spiritual stuff, they say anything fated or karmic will offer itself again. You don't have to ask for their name and number, you're bound to bump into them again at some point if it is fated. But at some point, you do have to recognize that it is important. You don't have to make nice and heal if it is true, because you'll be give the opportunity again in this life or the next... but at some point you do.

People keep telling me I will have the opportunity:
I am no longer hopeful. That is what all the arguments are always about in my head... what do you do when you have the opportunity? Say I love you. Say thank you. Say You fucked up. Say I can't be with you. Acknowledge that my heart is still stirring and scarred. Simply say Hi? Say please come around again.

They say the cycle is complete. Stop holding on. It didn't mean what you thought it meant. And some part of me defends her still, lingers just a little longer in a familiar place. Stares a little longer in the crowds. Has difficulty not prying into the secret places.
It's always like this.

What does my mindfulness say?
What can feel to completion?
What can I observe with non-judgment?
What can I appreciate?

Better take care of yourself before your sugar drops too far. Thats the lesson.


Or as Nicola puts it "abundance or bare minimum?"

mindfulness? bodyfulness? feelingfulness?

One of the things I have been attempting to do is feel my feelings a little, experience them, be curious about them, where is it felt? how does it move?  It's a difficult practice to maintain, and more often than not, my mind takes over and fills in the gaps with arguments.

This morning I was reminded of a song/poem that calls me to appreciate the difficult, to acknowledge and accept the whirl of feelings without judgment.  I am angry, I am sad, I am enraged, I am loving, I am happy, I am content, I am hurt, I am confused, I am a mix of a million things that come in waves and leave the same way. 

It's interesting to me, because I have been struggling with guilt. Towards the end of our relationship I acted out, not in words, but in action, I acted selfishly in a way that I hadn't previously been. I began to put my desires ahead of hers, and I felt justified in it because I felt like she was pulling away from me and being dishonest, her own act of selfishness. The behavior is a pattern i've experienced before -early in my life especially. 
I became more of my hurt child self. I didn't know how to say I am hurting, when I knew I would not be comforted. I didn't know how to walk away. So I stayed, and became less my conscious self, less mature, less giving. And I have felt guilty about it ever since. Felt like I totally fucked up, felt ashamed, and guilty, and mean, and tried to justify and rationalize and blame. If I had been able to stand up for myself, or walk away, maybe things would have been different.
But I didn't choose those options. I reinforced my cycles. Recreated the karma. Potentially reinforced hers.

I've been trying to get more in tune with my own pain, to understand why I acted this way, and why I might continue to feel so out of touch with myself. But lately, it's just been more anger. I am so angry at being used, that I can't remember all the benefits of the relationship, can't remember why I chose and continued to choose this even though I knew it was perilous. I knew that I was risking my self, and I wanted the opportunity. The anger drowns out the other things. It makes me feel unsafe and not worthy. It sucks the fullness out of life. And I think it is because there is no where to put it that seems productive. I am not sure if anger is a thing you use up, or if dwelling in it just reinforces it. But I am sick of it. I would like some appreciation at the fullness of experience back.

I want to believe that I had this relationship (positives and negatives) for a reason, so that I could learn and grow and not repeat these mistakes next time... but I don't know. It zaps my confidence. I know that I need a partner who will do their part, but I am worried that I won't know how to find this unicorn. I am worried that I won't feel worthy of them.

Complexity

I woke up feeling grumpy. I hadn't slept well. I was arguing in my head and in my heart. I keep having these bizarre dreams, and half of them include her. All morning I was arguing in my head with M about the way she handles things, the running away, the dirty pain, the choice to make things black and white, when really we should all be seeking the gray, the nuance, the complex. I did this with every person I have ever dated, and most of my close friends, and my siblings, and my parents, and do it with myself if I am not filled with drama... it is a normal pattern, but it doesn't make me happy, and half the time I try to stop myself by laughing it off. It's just that is doesn't lead to anything.

I went to the late service at church. It was really inspiring and really helpful for a while to get out of my own shit. The sermon discussed why as people of faith, we choose to see the whole person, the the layers (positive and negative), the wonderful things the person has done, and also the difficult choices they made, the way humans create and beautify, but also neglect and oppress, because ignoring these things, or simplifying the story doesn't lead to the the healing we actually desire, or the world we want to create. It was like they were arguing the thoughts from my head, only in much more uplifting ways. And so I left church, feeling a more upright spirit. Felt like there was opportunity. Like there were people in the world who would continue to wrestle and do good stuff, and not shun those who did not, but continually invite them back into the fold. And for a few minutes, I was certain that at some point in my life, I will probably go to UU seminary and learn how to be a leader of the church, because it is soooooooo invested in the same things and leads me down paths that I feel connected to and want in my life.

Then I had a break. And prepared myself for a workshop by watching tarot videos, and again I felt like she was speaking right to me.

Then I went to this workshop, full of anxiety and nervousness that I didn't even know I felt. And surrounded by loving in-tune body workers, I felt welcomed and supported by these strangers, felt healed in ways I didn't know I needed and felt like people saw and could hold me even though I didn't  know I needed it, wasn't even sure I wanted it, but it was safe, and they told me I was safe.

I kept seeing their auras expand and contract. I kept feeling mirror neurons firing. Felt waves of heat. Waves of unsureness. Waves of embarrassment. Sweating. But also these moments where I felt deeply connected to a stranger - and to some extent this made me aware just how vulnerable I have felt (since M). That again, I have felt traumatized into feeling like I do not deserve touch, and can't give it without hurting someone. I had all these memories of childhood and people invading my space, and feeling like what I wanted was intimacy and positivity and what they gave me was pain. And what I gave them in return (and passed on to others) was dirty pain.
But ultimately, I was grateful for the workshop. Felt healing. Felt lightened by it.

I came home. And felt determined to get some good sleep because I have an interview tomorrow, and I would actually like to be awake. It's at 8 AM, so I will probably wake at 6. Someone reminded me I can sleep all day after that. I want the job, or at least I do at this point. I have been wrestling with how much money to ask for. I am afraid I will get my hopes up about the job, and then be disappointed. I am thinking it would be a good thing to stay for a year or two and finish my LGSW hours. Maybe pursue some somatic trainings, or brain spotting or something during the time. I am not sure what I want to do with my life, but I am aware I want to move forward.

I watched some more healthy healing videos tonight. Relationship energy cleansing etc.  I said prayers, I considered what I was grateful for, and all the wonderful things I am thankful for since my relationship ended-and in many cases only because the relationship ended, and I felt clean and whole.

But my mind drifts back to her continually. Or rather this idea of her that I am arguing with. It's not her. It isn't the whole her. Just the part I don't get.
So I rest for a while, and suddenly I am arguing with her again, it's funny because I have been doing this in my head far more than we have ever argued in person.
And I can't tell if this is healthy or more harmful. Like does it come up because I need to get it out? or  does it come up because I am dwelling and it is comfortable to stay stuck?

-the anger of asserting myself in ways I wasn't given the chance to:  "Hey, I am now experiencing so much positivity, and it makes me very aware how poor you were to me. And I feel hurt, and manipulated, and not all of that is my fault, and it isn't ok that you blamed it on me. "
Or
-The anger that comes when someone you love continues to make poor self-sabotaging choices "Hey, I love you, and it hurts me to see you hurt yourself, and people are here to help, if you will just ask!"
Or
-the anger of my ego, "I deserved better than your bullshit."
Or
-the anger of pain "Hey you fucking suck and I wish you would feel the pain I am feeling."
Or
 just the frustration that comes with confusion and being cut out, when you were so connected to someone... "I am still in shock, I loved you, I would have done anything to make it work, how is it that you threw me away so easily...?"

It is somewhat ego driven that I say this, but in most psychological/spiritual circles, recognizing the whole person and being able to forgive, heal, work through things, communicate etc, are seen as more mature, while seeing things as black and white, holding grudges, running away, etc, are seen as immature. And all day I've been arguing in my head with this person who I know to be much more dynamic and complex and layered than she chooses to act.  And that is really insanely difficult for me... because in so many ways, her life looks more put together, more successful, more productive... I am jealous of her and the people who get to be around her. I want that clarity she projects, that decisiveness even though I know underneath that she is far from certain...
And in my mental chatter, and sudden heat sweats, and fits of pain, am I being the immature one who can't move forward, or am I still processing the layers as they come up?

I don't know. I don't know.


Wish me luck on the job. Maybe I'll learn a lot more about myself and others.
Infinite swirls, not circles, not linear, not stuck.

The life

Rachel says maybe I need more time, like a flower trying to bloom in the wrong season. 

I find myself motivated in spurts to do things that don't necessarily lead forward. They feel like they could be helpful, first instance I am going to start seeing a therapist for neurofeedback soon and maybe the rewiring of the brain/learning about the process will trigger some desire to move forward. Similarly I have been taking probiotics and vitamins again, hoping to increase some dopamine production. -I think the antibiotics I took for the last month have really knocked me out, but maybe it was the lack of structure, or the weather, or not knowing what I am doing with my life, or processing of emotional trauma from the lifespan. 

I still find myself split between visions. I ask for all sorts of guidance from the universe, and mostly it answers in positive experiences that get me through the day, but that don't lead to a vision of the future that is any brighter. 
My mom reminded me she asked me to be a part of a training she is running in a few months. I can't even get myself to fill out my renewal info for my LGSW (Don't worry its not due for another week or two), but the same thing happened with my teachers license, and suddenly the deadline was past. And I wasn't officially a licensed teacher anymore. 
So many hoops.

I am trying to credential up... that's the whole gig these days. Spend another year or two creating a base of understanding, of trainings, of work experience in the field... and then you can move up to the next job, or you can claim you know something even if you still feel like a fraud. Some friends have skipped the process entirely. Some others have gone through the long slog, and are starting their private practices. My mom is probably disappointed that the work she has created won't get passed on. All the expectations. 

The pseudo date asked me if I had gone in to the right field. It was a bold statement, question, joke, which she wasn't wrong to say. I guess I am questioning this somehow as well, questioning everything really. 
They say most therapy is really about the relationship. What does that mean for an empath introvert with social anxiety and not enough energy to invest in anyone?
What else would I do?   We live in a service economy, if I can't make a product, and can't offer a service what else is there?
I don't want to do the classic teacher thing. 
I hate academia.
I have no skills in physical therapy.
I am not a natural entertainer.
I want to do spiritual stuff, but find myself laughing at it while I pursue it. 
I want to be a writer, but can't sit down and write out these chapters, don't have the brain power. 

Probably need to consider this more.... people are always telling me I ask good questions.
People are typically telling me I am too much. 

I've been thinking a lot about dopamine. 
How Molly became my source, my dealer. I didn't want to do something, and would do it willingly and with gusto if I thought she needed it done or not doing it would disappoint her. We both played some sort of parent role for each other. She eventually told me I needed to get my life together, and even though it hurt, I sort of adored her for it. She didn't take any of my advice. I think we are at different stages of our rebellion. 

I've been having a lot of jealousy-insecurity and then feelings of happiness for her. I am pretty sure she has moved on, though I guess I was pretty sure when we broke up. I don't know. It's a funny world. I have so many co-dependent traits... that's what I want the neurofeedback for. I want to stop only being attracted to people who are so beyond me. I need a nice dumb healthy person to set me straight, instead of a brilliant one that I can't let go of. 

Vulnerable narcissists. Thats my type. I should just throw that out there on all my dating profiles. 
This is super mean, so read at your own risk:

"Hey potential future partners. I am looking for a beautiful brilliant capable charming person (who is way out of my league), and who has the gravity of a galaxy (while I cower in their shadow), and who doesn't have enough emotional maturity to be honest with themselves or me (don't worry, I will over analyze every situation for the both of us), who can't take responsibility for themselves (so I will do it), who sees the whole world as being against them -while everyone around them (including me) is swooning and bending over backwards, who will treat me like I don't matter, while saying that I am the most important, and then leave me in a puddle of devastation for several years similar to how I felt when my parents divorced. And I will love you for it, because some part of me has decided you are my goddess to be worshipped, despite what you will feel -which is a constant amount of judgment but is really just me trying to keep myself in check from loving you too much. Otherwise known as an addiction, codependency, karmic punishment, a soul connection in the wrong vibration. If you fit this description, hit me up, I have very low self esteem, but I can send you cute memes of baby animals."

Update

Pseudo blind date update.
Maybe I wasn't bringing my A game.
Maybe she wasn't.
But no spark.
You know what's hard?  Trying to make things happen when you're not feeling it. Following through when you don't have a role. Not seeing people in their element.

Maybe it was just a bad pseudo date idea, but what would be for me?
I just want to get to know people, and love them, but if you don't seem them when they are passionate or in need, then what is there... just normal human.
Humans are cool.
But meh.

Energy vampires

I was watching a lot of What We Do In the Shadows...
I gotta stop falling for the energy vampires.

I read a good portion of the beginning of my book today. There are so many chapters that need work that it feels overwhelming, but there are also chapters that I fucking love. The funny thing is that so much of what goes on in the book is me processing my own shit, and strangely, after reading it today, I almost wondered if it would be helpful to have people read it so that they know me. 
I was always hesitant to let Molly in. 
I felt like I wanted her to want it, and she was always too busy or self focused... 
Maybe that was the problem - that I wouldn't let her in. 

Anyway, I feel like if she got the characters, she would have gotten me better. 
But oh well. 

I have a pseudo date tomorrow. 
There was a snow storm today.
I had a headache half the day. 
I don't feel super great. 
But life moves forward. 

at 36

I slept poorly.
Woke up to realize I could help a friend out (yay!)
Realized I'd already let that friend down (boo!)
I haven't had enough coffee yet, but I am still stuck in the hurt.
Arguing, trying to understand, to negotiate, thinking through all the things unsaid, all the ways I can imagine justifying either of our positions. And it just reminds me that this is why I am stuck. That this is the reason I can't move forward, because I am looking for some cognitive key, when the truth is that I need to move. Need to behave differently. Need to change the practices to change the life.

But I am in pain.
I am afraid of more pain.
I am wound up with really toxic pain.
And this isn't getting me anywhere.

I keep reminding myself that I am making small steps forward, to dwell on that, to consider the areas of openness, to consider the areas where I am trying new things. Being my silly self, or creative self.

But I am also called back to the circumstances by a passing car, or a call, or a text, or a facebook post. I am aware that there is some connection to my family, my parents, in this pain. To pleasing others when it hurts me. To not being clear about my boundaries. To trying to control things on behalf of myself and others.

I am aware that I am dreading my Dad's health issues. That I want him to go through this temporary struggle so that he can have a longer period of health. How it bothers me that he is dreading it, when he could be seeing the positives. How there is genuine friction in his life, that he doesn't know how to move forward on... and I go right back to trying to support him even though its his own shit.


****


What was it I wanted?
To learn and grow in my ability to help people. To  have new tools, to be able to serve effectively. To push back at systems that make it more difficult, to help people learn about themselves and how to grow. To empower themselves. To help ourselves out of defeating patterns.

Maybe that is why I haven't moved forward in a worldly way, I am still doing these things and trying to figure them out for myself. I am seeing friends and family, helping them with their shit, addressing my own stuff, learning more and growing the ways I can help. I am not IN IT right now, but I am also not pushing myself beyond my capacity. I am addressing my needs, and trying to establish some positive supports, remind myself who I am and what I am capable of...

I wanted these things and a family, and a partner, and was willing to sacrifice for a time to get that.
I figured that's the place I was at in life, and where I was willing to show my dedication. But I guess it doesn't work like that. People attract good things in life out of the best of themselves, not just their ability to give in.  Thats the lesson I need to learn ultimately. I don't want to JUST be the person who everyone goes to when they need help, I also want to be the one they just want to have fun with.

Can I just acknowledge that it's painful?
Can I just cry and let go?
Can I reduce my desires down to just the bare minimum of reconciliation and have that be ok?
Why is that too much to ask?
It's my fucking birthday, can't you acknowledge that you loved me even as much as a random stranger? And if you hate me so much, if I am really that bad, can't you just say that...



40 minutes later:

I've been really into watching a specific tarot reader for the last few months. Her messages this week have been completely on... her stuff for today and tomorrow (which I previewed) were so specifically accurate that I am having a hard time not just recognizing that the universe is trying to smack some sense into me.
I wrote a whiny post... no, its real, its where I am at, I am feeling pained and stuck in it. And within minutes, multiple people reached out (without knowing anything about it) to wish me well, to share potential jobs, to say hi.  I have had nothing but ridiculous amounts of love thrown my way these past few months. People left and right trying to be part of my life, and instead of dwelling on the fact that my family and friends were all fighting over who gets to see me and how much, I was overwhelmed by the pain that one specific person didn't care. Something is really wrong with this situation.
As Nicola says in the tarot video, I am allowing the devil to steal my blessings.
I've given two years of my life thinking and praying and wanting this person in my life, and they simply don't want to be. So why I do keep trying when it leaves me so much room and energy to focus on people who do want to be?
I've got a ton of people who love me, and desire to see me do well.
What is wrong with me that I want to go to sleep early to escape this?
I don't deserve to hold onto this weight any more. It's not mine. I am not responsible for it. And its making me miserable, making me feel like less of myself, making me see the world in ways that I don't want to... this isn't ok. I don't need that in my life.

(I can't deny that even as I write this, I still don't know what to do about any of it.)
But I need to be aware of the sweetness surrounding me.
These people are genuinely lovely.
Hhehe I've always found honey, just a touch too sweet. (wink)

Venus in Sagittarius

Yesterday I wasn't having the greatest of days.  I think I have another dental infection. I don't really want to eat much. I am not sure what I am doing with my life. I went to the second service at church, and for the second week in a row nobody wanted to talk to me during the service (people place their hand over their heart if they want to take the time alone). It felt like a weird rejection, and left me sitting with my own thoughts and feelings and an awareness that I never really know what's going on with other people. Like, they may really be going through some stuff and now is not the time to open up. I often wondered if I should do this during that part of church and always decided it would be better to be social even if I am anxious.

I continued with that path yesterday, saw Rachel and Illy, stayed social. Had discussions, watched a movie, stayed out rather than spending the day in my apartment. It was good. Its good to connect with people.
When I got home I watched some more HBO and felt dissatisfied. Eventually I noticed I was surfing facebook and wanting to connect. A new picture. Jealousy. Heart ache. I prayed for god to be with me and all the people I have ever loved. I went to bed ok.

This morning I am in pain (dental shit). I don't know what I am doing with my day. I had a dream about her. I watched a video about my venus sign tarot for the week and it talked about cutting away the person (mentioned pisces twice) that has been fooling me. Recognizing the relationship isn't a good vibe and instead seeking out more of the high vibration relationships I've been enjoying lately.
It was weird how accurate it felt. And how I didn't want it to be.

The heart protects even against its own healing.
I've been thinking a lot about how our patterns are not just the behaviors themselves, but the underlying motivation. That motivation doesn't have to be what is conscious, or visible, or positive.
Why do I seek out situations where I am ignored and have to prove myself?
Why do I choose relationships that aren't healthy and I am bored by those that are?
Why do I continue to fight for them, when they aren't fighting for me?
Is it just my ego trying to satisfy itself?   Is it a soul contract. Is it time to let go forever?

Mike you were left as a child, ignored as a child, didn't have your needs met, you figured the only way to get people to love you is to be useful, to give in, to sacrifice, even when they didn't want it. Fighting them hasn't worked, so you remind them they are lovable, so you whimper and beg and become bitter with hope that they'll do the same in return. Some people won't ever. And it isn't your job to help them see how they are hurting themselves.

The universe wants to teach you this lesson. Let it.

More avoiding of sending out resumes

During lunch, my mom casually remarked that she always enjoyed that she could drop references to international experiences with me, and I would know what she was talking about. Like, these are specific to place, and only people who have been to that place and had that experience will understand how they shifted your paradigm in life... and I said "Yeah, that's my problem. I am looking for someone who has that or I can't share my life and perspectives..."  and she's like, "oh yeah."
This is my whole worry about "growth". I feel like I am "growing too much" in a certain direction and others can't keep up or appreciate it, and I can't appreciate their experiences to the degree they would like me to because I have missed out on "normal" milestones. As I told her, in a very real way, I feel like I have been able to relate and be present with my friends more lately, specifically because I have experienced this very normal human thing of having my heart broken. I am so reserved and stoic around people that I forget to be human, and now I can't help but whine a little, and suddenly I appreciate my friends and they reach out more because we can relate through our desire to move forward from our hurt and bitterness. Oh humans...

But it requires a balance and a desire to appreciate. I apparently needed some drama, and a little heart break. Good job mike.

I am really enjoying this book. But it is also difficult for the same reason as above.
And I can only read a few chapters at a time. The one I just read perfectly described the feeling I had with Mo, about always feeling like she hadn't fully committed to me. He describes that in many relationships one person chooses the other, and the person who was chosen doesn't necessarily choose back and this leaves a person with that feeling. I know I chose her. I think in all my relationships I have pretended and held back because I was worried about losing myself too quickly. But I chose them. Circumstances got in the way and led to breakups, we couldn't figure things out, maybe we realized it wasn't a good fit at the time...  But I loved them all the same.
(Lex, I know you occasionally read this and might object to my putting it this way. But from my perspective, if we had both known how to be healthier together and separately -and met at a different time in life, we could have made a great life together. ****)
This always brings up the role of chemistry, attachment, imago... karma.
Are some people karmic partners? Soul twin flames? Why do I find them irresistible while everyone else just seems... meh. Did I really choose them? or did I not have a choice. Don't worry, I'll keep dwelling on this.

One of the chapters before it talks about how you shouldn't expect to get milk from a coke machine, and that nagging, manipulating or bullying them into it, still won't get you milk. I come back to this over and over with people, and have to tell myself that I loved them regardless, and shouldn't expect something they haven't shown up to be... but its hard when you see how capable they are in all the other ways. Like, "I see you do this here, now just do it here."  But circumstances are unique... the relationship itself changes the dynamic. Another chapter he talks about how people's behaviors are almost always in line with something they see as virtuous, and that when we complain about each other's limitations, we are often pointing out the downside of their virtue, so they are unable to see it OR react with defensiveness. He gives examples like not filling up the gas in the car because the mom wants to get her daughter home before she has a melt down. And the guy not dressing up when he goes out because he cares more about his work with refugees and it seems shallow. In both cases the person has their virtuous priority -something they believe is part of their integrity and will defend (I'm being a good mother/neighbor. I'm being a good person.) But the other person is only seeing the negative "You are making me late to work by not filling up the gas." and "You are giving a bad impression of our family to our neighbors by not dressing well."

How does someone choose and be chosen?
How do we deal with our own expectations/desires in a way that doesn't blame our partners?
How do we recognize our virtues and their limitations?
It's a good book.

**** Update later:  I was thinking about this more and that I am probably being dishonest to some extent. Maybe that is the story I continued to tell myself, despite behaving differently towards you. Maybe I wasn't really sure what I wanted, or what I chose... I felt compelled. I was a kid who thought I was all grown up.

Babies

Babies make the world go round.
Jesse said she was glad she wasn't raising one in australia on fire.
My mom mentioned it was the only thing that made life worth moving forward.
That is so true for me... even if I don't want to admit it.

I have a new nephew. No name yet. It didn't really hit me until the picture (typical J and J style -several hours later). Now I'm teary eyed.






... now I don't want to be all alone at this coffee shop.

A and B and C

A) Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought how funny it is to have random moments in which I can't remember why we broke up. Like life feels incomplete and strange now. I was considering how I have experienced that before with past loves. How even years later, I will randomly have a moment where I remember how much I love (d) them and wonder why they aren't holding my hand. This is the problem with loving people deeply. They are always there in my heart. The degree varies, but the space is still present.


B) This morning I woke up crabby. I struggled to find motivation to do anything. As I was headed to meet my mom, I noticed Mo had posted a new picture and wrote: 'A new picture, I get fiery, a slight hint of nausea, angry, a desire to control, to know, to contain. I don't trust my feelings, I don't trust how she provokes them so effortlessly. I miss her and want her endlessly, and yet...  I cannot and will not have her. I am more than jealous. I have to talk myself into my better nature, I have to remind myself that when people change it is natural and for the better, I have to remind myself that there were more difficult times that I am forgetting, I have to remind myself that in the end I want her to be happy. And I want that for myself, and if she is not happy with me, then why try to hold her back? I am desirous of something that I don't know. I wonder how much of this is my childhood flaring up. I wonder if I will ever trust myself or someone else enough to love without these moments in which they own me so fully and I hate them for my love for them. Lately I've become aware of how controlling she is, how everything has to be her way, or her fear is rampant, how she doesn't trust herself, how she doesn't take time to reflect, how in her unsettledness, I could never be at ease. I have always beet attracted to fire, I have always mistaken its warmth.'

C) Pooja and my mom have both suggested they could set me up on a date with someone. I don't know that I am ready. I am terrified. I am more pessimistic than anything else... how could anyone be a match? How can they be the fire and conscious enough to keep me from getting burned?
Lunch with my mom was good, but ultimately I am still in the same place. I know what I want and what I don't. I know the mindset I would like to stay in, and also how difficult it is for me to stay there. I know what I need to do, and know that I am terrified to do it. I know that I am capable of loving, and giving love to the world, and I know I am devastated by how we choose to hurt each other. I am still feeling guilty for the hurt I have caused a dozen people...  my mom casually reminisces about how when I was two I was empathic enough to recognize that waking her up (even when I needed to) was causing her some discomfort. She's laughing and smiling... and I am thinking, what a fucking burden. I leave lunch, feeling really positive about the people I love, even those that have hurt me. I remind myself that what I really desire is integrity and honesty, and that I'd be able to handle the pain a lot easier if it wasn't so dirty, if it could be laughed about. If it could be shared a little. I am grateful for the people in my life. I am awed by them. I want more of this. 

Rot

Attached to the pain, the dirtiness, the regret and guilt.
I don't find myself dwelling on the positives, but the putrid.
This is the bond of trauma, the vortex, 
sharing this pain doesn't cause connection, 
only further cutting away, 
it doesn't expand, 
it doesn't shift the paradigm to that which was once unseen, 
it blocks and distorts, 
maligns the beautiful, 
sours the sweet,
In desire to pair the complex notes,
another spoiled batch, 
only one way to find a better match,
move forward. 

Jesca Hoop - Cut Connection

Little punk unicorn

At some point during our friendship, I told Molly that he daughter looked like a punk rocker in a baby photo. I always wanted to do an imagined portrait of her as a teen in a band. That girl. Getting her to smile at you -  made you feel brilliant. It's her birthday today, a little 4 yr old. I thought I would get to watch her grow up.

I have a hard time on these days. These holidays, anniversaries, etc.  Some part of me knows it's stupid, but I told myself I get to at least celebrate the first ones. Get to send a small reminder, a text. I had planned gifts in the past, like even last summer I was already imagining, that's why I get these ones.

I don't think she understood the extent to which I loved them.
I don't think she ever felt ready enough to hold my heart, and thus, she didn't get to see how it beat for them. I couldn't sleep last night. Drama llama. I kept imagining the arguments, the repairs, the way forward down each possible path.  After a whole day she responded "thank you." Left it at that.
I reread the texts from 2 weeks before we broke up. Read how I was lost, and felt she was pulling away and investing all her energy in her new friend. She wrote back that she wasn't. That she loved me and was invested. Two weeks later we were broken up, without any acknowledgement of what had happened. It still hasn't been acknowledged to my satisfaction. It's been in these past months that I recognized the degree to which I wasn't acknowledged. It had always been easier to cover over my own hurts. But the pictures look genuine. My thoughts and dreams and prayers and actions were all genuine. This is a person I loved. And still love. And she isn't able to love me or doesn't want to. It drives me nuts. I don't even want her back, not after this, but I don't understand why this awful pain is  our choice. It's like the war. It's like the guns. It's like the environmental catastrophe... Why do we choose this?

Fear. I know she is horribly afraid. I recognize now that our entire relationship was based around her fears - and mine too. Not a basis for a relationship, I assure you. But it didn't have to be.
We could have figured it out. We are smart. I cared enough to get through it. Hell, I might still on some days.

Nothing and everything

I am sitting at spyhouse. There is a couple sitting at the table in front of me. Both have frizzy dark brown hair. Both have brown eyes that are both soft and intense. It is their gaze. It is the responsiveness. It is the fact that they are sharing the air between them, the bad breath, the vulnerability. I love them. I love that they are so intimate. I love that their hands are placed casually upon each other, that their bodies lean in, that their laughs are so genuine, and their bodies still expressive. I love that their dimples can't help but show, that they nod and reassure with every moment. That the momentary pull away, is rewarded rather than the cause of more distance. I watch their energy flow back and forth, pull and crash between them. Watch it spike when they are connected. Watch them try their hardest to look away, so that they can gather their own sense of self back... 

They are so 'story book'. They are so 'engagement photos.'  They are so new to their intentions that they can't shake each other. It's beautiful. It makes everyone in the place that much more innocent and beautiful.


I have been reading a book about how conflict in relationships is the opportunity for growth and growing up. It reinforces a lot of the stuff I already felt, and reminds me again that I  can't force my desires on someone else, but always will, and that I need a conscious partner willing to tangle. 

I find myself surprisingly open to things.
My mom suggested I meet someone, and rather than meeting at a crowded place, I am almost more like, yeah lets get coffee.

I find myself wanting to be asked. I find myself wanting the opportunity to work. 
Maybe I just made it past my roadblock, or maybe I am bored, or maybe its the pain in my tooth that makes me want to get up and do, rather than sit here and think -which I can't do. But the fear is temporarily gone. I am ready for the world again. I am feeling capable again.

The job I suddenly want is at a small private practice. A small team of mostly women and a dog. Teen therapist. A small creative place. Likely, part time at first. Likely a half step towards licensure, but perhaps a good step overall, something more like LNAS than like a private research lab, or a cookie cutter treatment center. Now I am worried I won't get the opportunity. Isn't that funny?  Go from wanting nothing, to being afraid you won't get something within a day or two. I suppose I need to apply for all the things, and make it work. 

The other day I had a spell of crying, and realized I was afraid that I would end up n the same place again this time next year. That I would face more failures, or more temporary fixes. 
It's true. I will. And it's ok. It will be wonderful. 

You gotta feel your lines. 




Ive been listening to a lot of Jesca Hoop lately. I bought two cds, and they are both great, and yet both cds that I will likely play out and then never want to listen to again. As I was listening to them the first few nights, I kept having this thought that I'd been missing out for a long time. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Things move you in their own time. The songs that someone else loves, the books, the shows, may not move you when they move them. And that's ok.



Sometimes I am shocked that other people have the same biases they have had for years. I seek out thoughtful help, and find most people are in the same spaces I have been. But I find myself in a place where I judge people less and less. It's hard for me to stick to rigid ideas of right and wrong. Easy to see why a person might do a thing or not, and yes still important to hold them accountable, but for what reason? To ensure you get your vengeance or to create a better world? 
It's not that I don't react from the same places... I absolutely have those flare ups, just easy to recognize that my righteousness isn't right, its just reaction. 
All of this after I have my coffee of course. In the morning I am a monster. 



I've been having lots of dreams with old loves in them. Friends, lovers, family. Pivotal situations where there is tension, but no decisions are being made. Where each person is looking at the other waiting for the shoe to drop, but it isn't dropping. Where each waits to see who will apologize first, or make the amends, or hug...  Nothing is resolved in the dreams, but I am really happy for their presence. I do love a good presence. Hehehe. 
My apartment is really lonely. 
Its small, and quiet, and alternates between too cold and too warm in the weirdest ways (due to drafts I am sure). I am usually in slippers, and I think I should buy extras for visitors. I don't have furniture, but I do have a couple of chairs curtesy of Illy, and a couple of giant pillows that can be lounged on -though not for long periods of time.  I've been trying to learn tarot and astrology. 
I haven't painted in a few weeks, but I did destroy one pair of pants doing that. 

I have been reading and watching shit, and playing comp games and seeing people.
I have been doing a little meditation. I have been swiping on apps. 
I have been day dreaming, and arguing far too much like a drama llama. 
I wish I were writing more. 
I was thinking that if I get this part time job, I should set up a writing schedule and alternate throughout the day. Like 2 days a week write, 3 work. I could live that way for a long time.