During lunch, my mom casually remarked that she always enjoyed that she could drop references to international experiences with me, and I would know what she was talking about. Like, these are specific to place, and only people who have been to that place and had that experience will understand how they shifted your paradigm in life... and I said "Yeah, that's my problem. I am looking for someone who has that or I can't share my life and perspectives..." and she's like, "oh yeah."
This is my whole worry about "growth". I feel like I am "growing too much" in a certain direction and others can't keep up or appreciate it, and I can't appreciate their experiences to the degree they would like me to because I have missed out on "normal" milestones. As I told her, in a very real way, I feel like I have been able to relate and be present with my friends more lately, specifically because I have experienced this very normal human thing of having my heart broken. I am so reserved and stoic around people that I forget to be human, and now I can't help but whine a little, and suddenly I appreciate my friends and they reach out more because we can relate through our desire to move forward from our hurt and bitterness. Oh humans...
But it requires a balance and a desire to appreciate. I apparently needed some drama, and a little heart break. Good job mike.
I am really enjoying this book. But it is also difficult for the same reason as above.
And I can only read a few chapters at a time. The one I just read perfectly described the feeling I had with Mo, about always feeling like she hadn't fully committed to me. He describes that in many relationships one person chooses the other, and the person who was chosen doesn't necessarily choose back and this leaves a person with that feeling. I know I chose her. I think in all my relationships I have pretended and held back because I was worried about losing myself too quickly. But I chose them. Circumstances got in the way and led to breakups, we couldn't figure things out, maybe we realized it wasn't a good fit at the time... But I loved them all the same.
(Lex, I know you occasionally read this and might object to my putting it this way. But from my perspective, if we had both known how to be healthier together and separately -and met at a different time in life, we could have made a great life together. ****)
This always brings up the role of chemistry, attachment, imago... karma.
Are some people karmic partners? Soul twin flames? Why do I find them irresistible while everyone else just seems... meh. Did I really choose them? or did I not have a choice. Don't worry, I'll keep dwelling on this.
One of the chapters before it talks about how you shouldn't expect to get milk from a coke machine, and that nagging, manipulating or bullying them into it, still won't get you milk. I come back to this over and over with people, and have to tell myself that I loved them regardless, and shouldn't expect something they haven't shown up to be... but its hard when you see how capable they are in all the other ways. Like, "I see you do this here, now just do it here." But circumstances are unique... the relationship itself changes the dynamic. Another chapter he talks about how people's behaviors are almost always in line with something they see as virtuous, and that when we complain about each other's limitations, we are often pointing out the downside of their virtue, so they are unable to see it OR react with defensiveness. He gives examples like not filling up the gas in the car because the mom wants to get her daughter home before she has a melt down. And the guy not dressing up when he goes out because he cares more about his work with refugees and it seems shallow. In both cases the person has their virtuous priority -something they believe is part of their integrity and will defend (I'm being a good mother/neighbor. I'm being a good person.) But the other person is only seeing the negative "You are making me late to work by not filling up the gas." and "You are giving a bad impression of our family to our neighbors by not dressing well."
How does someone choose and be chosen?
How do we deal with our own expectations/desires in a way that doesn't blame our partners?
How do we recognize our virtues and their limitations?
It's a good book.
**** Update later: I was thinking about this more and that I am probably being dishonest to some extent. Maybe that is the story I continued to tell myself, despite behaving differently towards you. Maybe I wasn't really sure what I wanted, or what I chose... I felt compelled. I was a kid who thought I was all grown up.
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