Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

ElEl cafe es playing (toca-?) tatu the russian lesbo pop star group. Ah its raining today, and cold. hace fresco y lleva or something. I swore I was learning spanish again but maybe its only comprehension. This morning i woke up bright and early at the butt crack of 11:00 and throughout the course of a shower and a bit of journaling I realized my little brother will be turning 17 in like 2 months. Maybe i have talked about this before, in fact I'm sure i have but i can not get across enough that its really weird to have him grow up with out me there to protect. Its like even at 15 i was holding him back from running across the street and being hit by a car. I have always been there, or always thought i was. So it occurred to me he was growing up without me again, and then i thought about all the shit i was thinking at 17, and i went "oh fuck!!" and decided to write him an e mail instead of calling cuz it was like 5 am and he has school today I'm sure.

Anyway the main thing i was thinking about, and i swore i would wait till at least my birthday to tell anyone this, but I'm growing up, i think I'm ready to start dating and such. Yes this sounds stupid at 18 almost 19 but hey we all grow at different paces or something. So from 13-16 I thought i would have sex by 17, I didn't I'm glad i didn't, now I'm almost 19 a virgin and I'm thinking maybe i could date a girl and be serious about it. All my guy friends lost theirs young and some have told me they wished they had waited at least a bit longer. I guess its weird for me to be ready to do something like that, cuz i never felt that way before. Unsure unconfident and its possible its just a temporary thing and in the future i will be back to uncomfortable again, but for now, maybe I'm like old finally. Or at least an adult finally.

People tell me i look 21 now, I have not meet a single person who would have placed me at 18. Maybe its cuz i haven't shaved in 5 months, maybe the glasses. But maybe I'm just old and boring.... its not so bad really. I mean I'm me what u gonna do?

Anyway i sent steve a big long e mail telling him its ok to do stuff if he wants as long as he is safe about it drugs alcohol sex but also that if he doesn't want to he shouldn't. Simple as that no? I also told him we will be friends from now on or at least try to be i mean as well as brothers but i don't need to be his parent no more. He is his own person. which is weird cuz i still kind of take care of all my friends cept maybe pete. I feel the same way about pete as james(my older brother) i told illy this, pete i don't need to worry about cuz he is pete. Hes comfortable being himself, he makes good decisions. he tends to have his shit straight 10 times as much as i have or do rather or something. Pete's got dealt with more stuff than i have, i often tend to look at him for an example. Sorry to blab this all on the air. Just true, what i been thinking about while I'm away.

Hmm also i think maybe i want to come home but i will stick it out till after james. Not like I'm not having a good time. Not like I'm running away I'm just ready to return. So about 25 more days alone, seeing stuff, living it up taking in what i can. then some time with James which i have been looking forward to the whole trip not that i really have expectations i just know it will be a good experience. and then a couple days to see people i know here in London and then all of you again. OH TOOO MUCH BABBLING I have lost all my creativity I think. Maybe, I also realized its been ages since i have been on stage, which is always something i enjoyed despite being a really bad actor and singer and such, wonder where that went? What has happened to my life? Its all so very different then it was... once again not like a bad thing, just different strange to be different, always felt different and yet difference still throws me but i like it sometimes you know? If you don't like me when i get home, its OK i mean i will understand if u think i have changed and I'm not the old mike you know and possibly care about, but you should tell me maybe i can pull the old mike out of my pants like a clown at a childrens party making balloon animals or something, wow could that be misinterpreted hey i cant spell!!!!! shut up you, you're only making a bigger fool of yourself, they wont love you!/i> is that not ok? of course its not ok! but I'm just being me... never be you they hate you everyone hates you really? yes really!ç

hmm i need help

also an update from gavin (hoping he wont mind) and this is direct quote

" i went one step further and did a double pin ball , and electrocuted myself for entertainment . ( fucked up in the head ) " if you dont remember who gavin is check out

Ok maybe the archive just isnt showing me that section or maybe i was heavily censored u bastards!!! maybe i will have to check it out later, but basically i swear i was getting on more than what it looks like, dont u think they would tell me if i were getting fucked over? what did i do\say? it was all medical no?

oh well fuck this im out peace and love yall have fun getting back to school and such.