I hate that roadblock style of sadness...
I think I have been avoiding it at almost all cost...
I don't want to, its just that I have responsibilities and I don't want to let everyone down... because I feel like I am.
I feel like I can't make things better for anyone right now... and the sort of immense weight of it all is starting to make me pull back in every direction... like not call people back, like not check it with those I should, like ignore and press on in directions that seem easy.

I don't know what to do with this sadness... I feel like all I have ever been good at is loving hurt people, but sometimes its too fresh, too scalding hot, too razor sharp.  I can't help but love, can't help but stare, can't help but desire things that really I can't make work...
I don't know how to make it easy for you, any of you... not with broken hearts, or poisoned minds or stabbed souls and vulnerable bodies.

I can't make light of it, I can't keep the tears from coming, I can't offer advice that actually soothes... I can't make any of it go away.

and I know how vulnerable it makes you to reach out. I am glad that you do... but I'm starting to feel empty too... who can I reach out to when everyone I care about or trust  is feeling broken?

This one is for you

This took  me a long time to figure out how to do... but this is actually my first attempt at recording it... and now I am afraid to try again in case I don't like it.

Falling (The Heart's Lament"     By Taff (with musical backing by John Frusciante)

This morning I had this beautiful dream. I awoke several times and it felt really easy to jump right back into the vividness and story.  Its not so much that the storyline was great... I don't remember much of that anyway... it was that I could feel the emotions of each character, their inner desires and so things melted together. No one was confused or hurt. They spread love to each other and comforted one another.
There was a couple, they were practically kids, but I felt I was one of them, and they were in love and everyone knew it was meant to be.
They were in awe of each other, but because they understood each other could explore that desire without worrying about judgments. Each gesture and phrase was welcome, was received with the best of intentions.

I woke up. I went to church still in a daze. I sang, I talked, I listened to the reading. I smiled at people.  But the moment it was over I wanted to leave, to finish my day.  I thought I was hungry, I had to return a book.
I went to borders, I went to leeaan chin I came home I went to bed. I wanted to experience their love again.

I wish I could crawl back into my dreams like I do my bed.

I dreamed again, but this time it wasn't happy. I understood the characters, their motivations weren't pure. They were struggling for power, for home, for personal comfort. They weren't received well so they took it without asking. They were thieves and criminals and I understood them, but I didn't like them. I could explain their actions, their constant battles to deceive and manipulate, but I couldn't love them, and they couldn't love either.

I wake. Its superbowl sunday, people are watching football.
I am hungry again but I don't want to eat. I have work to do but I don't want to do it. I have books to read but don't want to read. I wish I were satiated and not headachy

I wish I could crawl back into my dreams like I do my bed.

wow... weeks went by

I think its crazy how many things one can avoid just by ignoring them
I usually am huge on the news but there are some things that seem too big
I need to get some things fixed but I just don't do it
I need to pay some bills and do my taxes and change my tax status... but whatever
I need to listen to those cds... and do some writing, and  oh well

Its not that I am doing nothing... I am doing
just not necessarily the things that should be done
because its my own form of rebellion
much better than skipping meals or hurting people.

find something beautiful and hold on to it.

I don't want to be afraid and hateful.
Remind me to find the love whenever and where ever I can.

I don't want violence towards any people... but there is something really beautiful about righteous anger...

Men are so fucking awful, stupid and useless.
entitled arrogant assholes,
responding with anger when we are hurt and violence to get our way.

I just want to hit someone in the face.

Maybe its human, but I don't want to assume that all humans are given/taught the same options.
Because assuming one half is the only half, is more than half of the problem.

I was reading this book, that though crazy and way out there made me feel good about the world, and feel like there was hope... and it must have been meant to happen (reading the book) because I don't feel hopeless... I am full of hope... I just feel useless.

Flea does a really nice job on "Heaven"
also I really like the lyrics.

Suppose I should post.

what do I got?
ummmm
I put up some audio  over here

couple of poems from some stuff

also tyler blanski has been doing some podcasts... I like this one the best, but the one on risk is pretty interesting too.

Holy shite its been a week.  I thought it was like a day and a half.
Um it was a good week, a fine week a week full of things and other stuff.

Mostly I am happy.

I have been spending the last hour recording poetry. 
The few hours before that writing a big long essay type thing... Well I spose its only 2 pages so not so long. But I take forever to write since I edit as I go.

Um... things are on the up and up or the left and left.
How are you?

I have felt tons of love this weekend from the homies and the fam and the coworkers... truly blessed I am.
If anything happens this year and I am suddenly dead, know it was a good ride and you were awesome.


more later.

Since I have to go

You should read this poem by Adrianne
(then maybe check out her other wonders)

I was gonna make you a video... but I didn't like how any of them turned out. 

People say I am a decent performer, I get fairly good responses from open mics... but I never ever like the way the video's turn out when I am just fucking around. 

I don't know what it is exactly... between sound quality and  just looking awkward they never seem good. 

I have been watching a lot of john frusciante covers.

He has a really hard voice to cover for several reasons... 

A) He sings in falsetto a lot

B) He sometimes purposefully holds notes starting out of tune and then going into tune. 

C) He uses his voice like an instrument a lot, going from soft vocals to screaming in seconds...

D) He overdubs his own stuff so sometimes he hits multiple notes on the same vocals (so when you do it by yourself it doesn't sound right)

E) Sometimes the lyrics are unintelligible.

F) anyone who is also doing the guitar parts has all of these troubles vocally, plus musically since he does the same things with the guitar... so it makes it really hard to do everything.

This leads to anyone trying to do a cover to sometimes having to make up their own versions.

This is a song I performed at an open mic once: This guy does a fairly decent job although his italian accent is a little hard on some of the lyrics.

The actual lyrics are: 

Carried through the road so far alone
Days glue themselves to what is wrong
And soon the hills will swallow us up
Plans will pass her up

Land on the walls is laid out
I know you're in pain
Train for the cause is staying down
It plays you out

Fall out of love again
Your dreams all end 

This song meant a lot to me in high school. I took this cd to Italy when I was 16 or 17 with my friends. I fell in love with the music while falling in love with the Mediterranean and the people I was with. It seemed that every lyrics was meant for me and the trip. The whole plane ride back I was heartbroken and couldn't stop thinking about all these people I loved. When I got off the plane at the airport my mom took one look at me and said something like "I know honey, I'm sorry." 

clearly knowing I wanted to cry. 

Its funny how often I return home wanting to cry. 

most of the hits are local...

yall know you can say hi
right?


this thing doesn't have to just be me grumbling about life... and when people interact I have an easier time coming back to write more.
What are your thoughts?  (on subject or not on subject?)

Often times the things I say to Illy wind up on here.

It has been a few days internet, did you miss me?

I guess I have been too exhausted with work to put any effort into this. Mostly I have been cruising the funny sites to try to keep my mood alive. The first few days were rough. Kids all adjusting to new sleep schedules and some to school in general (some just got back from long breaks). Crabby ass mofos... and talkative ass mofos... that was all I had. Also we had to subject them to some testing right away... and that's just gross. 

Anyway... today was a really fun day in classes... Things just went according to plan and the kids were engaged and alive and joked in a fun way instead of being disruptive. I spose I didn't cover everything I wanted to, but they seemed to know the important things. 

* Having separate blog accounts is really annoying. I currently have 4 different accounts, not blogs but accounts... meaning 4 different e mails to sign in with -which is annoying because it always thinks I want a different one. I keep them separate because I don't want the two work blogs to be able to find this one... I don't want this one to find the more private one... so I guess you guys will have to just be satisfied with three you can get to. I also started a tumblr account just to mess around with their options but so far I don't really like it... mostly I use it to watch funny videos. 

So speaking of the title of this post... Tonight Illy and I decided to have a baby. Not really but I told her I wouldn't object if she roofied me. Anyway, we were talking about unplanned pregnancies and I have been thinking for quite awhile that if that happened to me at this point I would support keeping the baby. I don't know that I am ready to parent or could afford it, but its got to start sometime somehow and surprises can be fun. 

I had dinner with my grandmother last night and it made me kind of frustrated that I don't have a better attitude towards seeing her. She is actually a lot of fun, good conversation, I learn a lot about life from being around her... I just don't tend to assume it will be a good time. Anyway it was great but I get nervous around her. We have a movie date on Sunday. 

I scratched my voice singing John Frusciante and decided to ask some of my students who like him if they want to do a cover at the talent show/cabaret/benefit show we do in Spring.

X mas at my Dads tomorrow, then hanging with lacey. 

My dad asked me today if it was ok to not celebrate my birthday on the date so that he could go to the Timberwolves game, and I thought that was really cute... but entirely unnecessary, then he made me promise that I wouldn't be spending the night doing nothing... but sometimes I need to do nothing so that I am happy to do something other times. 

I really like my coworkers. I just really think they are awesome, the students too. There isn't usually a day that goes by without a few moments where I just reflect on how really amazing someone in the building is. 

I wish I had a video or picture to jazz this up a bit... hmmm  what can I find..

 I have probably posted this before (possibly really recently) but this is from my fav music dvd

Back to work

HMMMM first day of work. Long and slow and exhausting.

I feel like I should have something really profound to say. I had a wonderful conversation and visit with Gabi last night about everything going on in the world... and there were moments where I totally spaced out because I was thinking about how amazing she was. I guess I have this with a lot of people but I don't get to see her as often as I used to.

Anyway...

Got to hang with Russ a bit tonight. Hes always interesting. Better start reading soon...

Wish I had more to say but I am le tired.  

More tomorrow maybe. 

I said maybe damnit.

Heres to you Nicola and Bart

I hope tonight is not like last night... but I think part of what is going on with the over thinking is that the hypnosis vids haven't been working as well lately.

Thoughts

Class planning
Work
friends
possible coffee dates (friendship)
ok I am gonna try again.
go to sleep mike.

Listen to Songs I Enjoy

Just checking out some options...

Me at 5 AM this morning when I couldn't sleep. I think its funny how my eyes sometimes don't look like they are looking at the same thing in pictures. I have never been asked about having a lazy eye or anything.

Then again, it could just be that it was 5 am and my eyes were tired of being open.