Something I am obsessed with

So obviously I spend a lot of time thinking about love, attraction, relationships, dependency etc. I started this very young, I remember in preschool wondering how close I should become with a group of boys who were all rough and tumble, amongst that group I met my best guy friend of the last 24 years. Even then though I remember wondering if I should be drawing closer to the competitive boy's games or role playing with the girls. At that same day care, by 5 I was given special privileges that included not having to take nap time (as I was older than many of the other kids). I was later accompanied by the two girls I liked the most, and we would play various imagination games or draw together.

I don't know if I would call it a crush, but I liked them even then. I felt drawn to them in ways I didn't feel drawn to the boys, later this same feeling made me question my gender orientation, because I just felt more comfy around the ladies. 

So as you may already know I have been contemplating a lot of relationships lately (my own and others) just what connects them? What causes them to "rush in" to commitment? What causes attraction at a friend level vs a romantic level?

Its a seriously fascinating and sometimes tormenting subject.

This article has some interesting ideas

I am really intrigued by oxytocin. I think I am an addict for it, but even then I wonder why in some ways it displays itself romantically and in other ways just friendly...

There have been so many times in my life where I walked into a situation with one feeling and then upon connecting with another (sometimes like just their presence) I was immediately overcome with waves of calm, affectionate feelings, like I longed to take care of them. To touch them or tell them things, or just stare at them and enjoy their presence. 

In some of these cases I was determined to NOT love them, and couldn't help myself like my mind just switched positions...

But why is it with some folks and not others?

What is the role of safety and defensiveness?

How much is in the willful intention and how much is in the natural chemistry?

11:11

* 2 people told me I need a girl friend today

* My schedule for the week is almost full, Wednesday and Saturday are still open but I have calls out

* I accomplished most of the things on my list today

* My external hard drive might not work, which is the most scary thing, because I never got the information off it.

* I wrote, read and painted today

That is a picture from the other day... I am going to become a farmer.

I have no idea why people are subscribed to this piece of shit blog

9:30 in the morning and i'm already feeling sorry for myself... sort of pathetic.
SoT at 11:00, no May Day Parade due to weather. Need to do a one to one. Have three things to do for work before tomorrow. So likely spend all afternoon at a coffee shop.
Avengers was good, ran into Jessica and her boy which is hilarious.

"So each day would be new I build you to sleep
That's the idea of dying but you'll just have to see
You can do what you want or so you think
But till you stop all your thoughts
You are tied to your surroundings"

This is a track that was only on the Japanese version of the cd

I've got a million to choose from
A million ways things could be
In dull moments I feel like
There's a million options I see

The trouble is choosing one
The trouble is doing one
A slave in the fields one night
He's running along
Gets far enough to be a free man
And he's feeling so strong
That's how actions should be
Freeing
Step after step is our only choice in a walk
When we run at the mouth we jump back and forth
There's only one place I'm going
There's only one destiny
And if my mind tells me otherwise
Then it's a poor guide for me
All of the energy in life
Is nothing more than a spark in a fire
The whole course of time is the blink of an eye
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into the cards
Aum Yaum
Rain in the slums
Aum Yaum
Into another world
Aum Yaum

(There is some buzz on the internet about what Aum Yaum "ah yom" is supposed to mean, some say it is his anglicized spelling of a hebrew term, while others take the "aum" part to be a  hindu reference, perhaps both as the album jumps back and forth from different spiritual teachings?)

dunn bros 2012

the morning after

We should be thankful who we are
Whether we know ourselves or not
Walking alongside myself
Neither of us listens very well

(not the first time I have posted this)

Here is a  another frusciante song I like to sing

I want to again be holding hands, with you under water

and could we get a second chance, go back and start over

Spent a lot of time last night contemplating how to be true to oneself. 

Illy and I talked about the things we are and are not honest about with each other.  Not like we listed them, A B and C, but discussed the topic of holding back.

It reminded me of that moment in every romantic relationship I have had where I realized that there was a choice to be made. Avenue A leads to a deeper connection, scary because revealing secrets could  perhaps lead to rejection. Avenue B is going on the same, and knowing the relationship won't last because you aren't putting anything into it. Except in this moment I wasn't scared. I didn't think for a second that our friendship wouldn't last, I didn't worry about rejection, I was troubled though that honesty even in the good soil, still takes such hard work.

My Dad once told me that the reason he and my Mom got divorced was not because he physically cheated on her, but rather that he was seeking intimate emotional support from another woman.  I am not sure how I feel about that, or rather I know that I reject that... and yet have seen it come up in many of my relationships.

Jealousy and insecurity get the best of us all. My Mom had invited her into our home, had attempted to become friends with her, to say "its okay to have friends, as long as we are open about the support we need"  but that wasn't the way of it in my father's concrete thinking... he was either with a woman heart soul body or not.  He left my Mom, for Colleen and near as I can tell, has very few intimate friendships left. 

I see people making this choice regularly. Its scary to me, because the downside is isolation, abuse, neglect and if the rejection should happen it is so much stronger.

My mom had plenty of intimate friends, who comforted her for the next decade, a decade in which she continued to raise 3 boys, bought a house, landscaped and added to the house, worked multiple jobs and went back to school for 4 years, took multiple trips around the world, often times including us etc. 

My Dad tried to solidify his family, tried a few bad business models, helped raise a step daughter, became a member of a church where he had many responsibilities, returned to the hardest job I have ever seen.

I think both of them are satisfied with their choices in life, but I'd like to take after my mom in this one.

That doesn't mean its easy.  I recall being pulled in different directions by people close to me. No regard on their end for the ripping effect, rippled out through the rest of my relationships, because in the moment I put them on hold (publicly) and in my torn heart continued to reach in both directions... but recognized that in those moments they didn't see me reaching... and pulled back.

The triage game no?  

Similar to the triage of work, but almost entirely a game played in the hearts.

how much a reaching hand can me.

a good one



don't know why that came to mind...

I don't like the amount of energy I put into distracting myself from thinking about certain people.  I wish it were easier to manifest the situations that my dreams endear to me.

all power to the people

I feel like I need to write a handful of apology letters. Letters describing my absence and the reasons behind it, but in sympathetic terms, in the terms that make connections possible again. 

I could write to someone and say... you must understand the overwhelming circumstances I have found myself in, between raging storms and hard rocks,  poison and pointed blades... none of my choosing, all of my choosing.

But the truth is so simple, it takes more energy than I care to purpose in your direction and at the end of the day I'd rather flirt with what can never be than tease you, leave you, tethered and trailing behind wondering how often I can turn around to catch up on what is between us. 

Bitter

searing

I am attached to all the wrong energies and celebrate the wrong occasions. 

I wish people would move on from me so I could care and complain and never have to deal with the reality that maybe I couldn't care effectively enough to support our relationship.

seclusion

I find myself turning down invitations.

Not all, but some significant

and I am grasping for what that means in the now expanded time alone,

I've been reading more, it makes me feel intelligent, growing,

more relaxed and mindful.  I sneak away from conversations to do it.

I return to conversations with questions, with purpose, with compassion.

Not always, there is a certain amount of intentional distance,  an unmeasured amount, a balancing act in play.  The solitude produces guilt.  Its the same guilt that comes up in the neglect of my chores.  Its the passive aggressive resistance, the immaturity of not being able to act in accordance with my own desires, because I am still trying to name them, dissect them, re-imagine them, negotiate them.

I finished a book today that was exciting, surprisingly playful for such a dark topic (the financial collapse) and it made me want to make stories out of dull reality. Draw caricatures from the complex but infuse the drawing with enough life to inspire a deeper look.  

I started another book (Freedom North) and it was dense and tangled, and it made me stop reading after 22 pages, but I was also aggravated because I felt left out from the topic, not by the book but by society.  Like where had these dense tangles been before?  Why was it I was only hearing of these instances now (when of course they had been here the whole time) and who were the gatekeepers to this knowledge?

I find myself feisty with desire, energy, readiness to engage  and yet  I seclude at every opportunity... every instance where it could be too real.  I think I am waiting to be rescued.

Victoria described the visual she had of a lock clicking into place when I described a recent dream I had had to her.

I think I am waiting for the click.

My boss recently shared this song in our music class.
She likes to listen to it to pump her up for running.

I wrote this at school one day, the exercise was to write to the music we were listening to

1) 

What a day

you seen my laugh yet

was it the real one

laughing's contagious

maybe I was spreading the

symptoms

like a flea would

a hop and bite

not even aware the world is

suffering, stomach aches

from chuckling

like being tickled, out of your control

2)

lost in the jungle

too many dangerous things stalking

-so we wear our smile like armor

-a veil of protection

the red cheeks, lips

and 

gums like the marking on a

black widow

a warning of poison within

3) 

keep a distance

inside are meadows, pleasant normally

but today fraught with 

rushing, expanded

river, flash flooded fields

swamped, uncaring

it all flows somewhere

4) 

pulsing, punches

smashing

these are walls

being called upon

forcefully,

-not impenetrable 

every structure

vibrates

specifically

smashing 

destructive

force of 

mathematics

smashing

where will the blocks 

fall

-ramparts

gravit-ivised

-set a float

smashing 

what

5)

from the pulverized

ashes of what was

sprouts

reverse lightning

life renews through

what has been

6) 

flower stage,

sex seeking

carnival, square dance

a new mate

tried on for fitting

matches make new life.

10.18.11
When I was young
like a little kid
I got electrocuted
in a grocery store
it was worrisome

I think then
my notion of security
was torn out from under
and my illusions of the right reaction
inconclusive

maybe it was from then on
that I started to
deliberate about
everything

cuz in the moment
when you should be
letting go
you hold tighter
frozen

Everything in you
lets you know
you are dying
and your stuck there
uncontrollable

but instead of
releasing fears and worries
irritations, and possibilities
a child becomes more
mindful

like when all the experiments
religions and sciences
philosophies etc
say "stay in the now"
you just cant

like when you're frozen
stuck to a railing
pumping volts passing through you
frying your wiring
killing you quickly
but still stuck wondering
about possibilities

2101

"He don't stay out anymore, No more coming in past four, Most nights he turns in 'round ten, He's way too tired to pretend, Sure, you might find him up at three, But if he is it's just to pee, Sometimes he's awake 'till two, But that's just 'cause he's missing you, He's lying there and missing you"

I have been reading about attachment.  
Its hard not to get attached,  for instance I just read this really beautiful statement of love and affection written by a 26 year old to her best friend of 14 years on missed connections on craigslist. She described walking away as choosing to let an elephant sit on her.
Hard not to get attached.

Today at work, may have been the most chaotic, the most violent, the most frustrating day ever. In the moment I saw a police officer arrest my colleague I was pretty much in shock and yet acted fine. I was shaking from adrenaline and maybe the cold, but I stood my ground and watched and witnessed and answered questions and talked about the situation with the other officer.  I was momentarily detached enough to suggest that I was semi-comfortable with the situation, but trying to write it down later caused me to start crying almost immediately.  As did hearing from some of my students about their interactions with the police, while I was trying to lead a discussion with a crowded room, I couldn't remember the words I needed to speak, and heard my voice breaking, sometimes you have to look away from a crowded room, just a moment to bare witness to your own shaking.
Hard not to get attached.


I was rereading some of the things I have posted lately. 
I feel like my life is caught in a loop, a constant cycle where I spend all my time and energy worrying about these big picture things and neglect some of the things that are closer to home. Sometimes intentionally neglect them because its a lot easier to deal with big outside things that seem chaotic, then the often dramatic situations inside.  I have all these feelings I am not really aware of that are dragging me down, and I choose not to become aware of them because I don't know what to do with them, because as real as they may be, they are not helpful.
and in saving the world or protecting oneself, its hard not to get attached

I miss my cats, they were a huge pain in the ass and we weren't supposed to have them, and I was sick of feeding them several hundred times a day, but there is nothing like a pet to sooth the parts of us we don't let each other sooth.
and sometimes I feel very inhuman, because I don't allow myself to be soothed by anyone, for whatever fear of being hurt, weak or attached. and in that I show how attached I am to my own shame.

The look on my coworker's face when she was being cuffed was how I live my life,
She looked simultaneously proud and ashamed, like she had done what she knew to be right and was immediately punished for it. It was a second on her face but feels like forever in my heart.
I don't mean to say all my actions are good or right, but that in my heart it always feels like it won't matter how right they are...

I don't write or draw or read as often as I would like to.
Its funny that I made it past 27 and still feel like I don't have much time left... like I got really used to that mode of thinking. Now I find myself once again really caught up in that space of what the hell am I doing with my life? like not my actions, but the way I choose to spend my time and the time I spend on such unfix-able situations. The intention and focus I put on the enormous, the longing and sentiment directed into a void that doesn't give back the same.

In Buddhism, one is supposed to be compassionate towards one who is in pain, who is in joy and who is in daily life.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with pain, joy and daily life,  (as all of these are attachments)
but I really enjoy the times when I can be compassionate towards myself for these things, so rarely does it happen, but it feels real in a way that even the sense of feeling joy doesn't. Its a really beautiful out of body feeling and I can understand how a monk could dedicate their life to it, but I am several lifetimes away from being that devoted me thinks...

I have been watching a lot of long island medium (tv show), not sure if its real or not, but it makes me feel good. I never realized how much that stuff matters to me, because when people say they fear death, I don't, not like I fear the dark, not like I fear being vulnerable, not like I fear zombies and things...
But I fear life not mattering, and though most spiritual perspectives say that is basically true, there is a freedom in that, that allows life to matter to me.  

oh well...  enjoy


 

g

 Back in Minneapolis, 

I already feel anxious

as if the things I haven't started

can no longer be completed

so I have this desire to sneak them in,

like "the checks in the mail"

 trouble is, I forgot what bills are due

I know I have a limited time

I know the areas of life that seem important

but what are the tasks

trouble is, I don't know if I care

with freedom comes the recognition that 

a lot of what we think is important, 

is really self designated,

is really bullshit.

So what happens without a perfect plan?

and if I should forget a key point

and if i should stumble into new beginnings

and if I should find something more fulfilling

would it be ok to walk away?

am I destined to walk this self same path

I could wake up one day miserable

contemplate forever

 kiss it all goodbye, 

and see the same opportunities 

as today, with less time to pursue them

oh well

I need to find a new coffee shop, a new habit, a new drug as the song goes.

I would like to walk more and move to a new neighborhood every month

It would be pleasant to not be so frustrated with my family for their desire to celebrate holidays to the point it feels more like obligation

gonna go read some buddhism.  in yo face

seattle night

I started writing a few hours ago, it was really dry so I stopped.

I feel fairly uncreative, though rather inspired.

There is nothing like traveling to get me into new space (hehe).

Melissa is studying for a few more minutes so can I say...

I find the people more beautiful, the steps easier to take, the stories more scrumptious.

I find the time to center, to breathe as the monk says, breathe in and know I am breathing in.

I find the music lifting, tugging, 

I find the coffee irresistible, and the beds launch me from sleep to wakefulness like catapults, slam me into new days.

I find my old notions easily melt away, castle walls fallen, but my connections do not, sometimes they become even more accented, the stories and conversations come to mind while I walk, while I read, while I look at the sky I see eyes and lips and smell scents long forgotten.

I crave more, yet often feel fulfilled. 

I desire more, yet feel contented to enjoy new moments.

I recognize things I've forgotten, painful moments, joyful moments, astonished moments, they all flow in and out... 

but I do not feel creative, I feel like a passenger on a vessel that is dancing, I feel like the smell on the wind dispersing in the nostrils of many, scattering into various memories, pulled a thousand directions, I feel like the touch of lovers, intentional, nervous, sensual, longing.

I feel, that's it, I feel it all and can't peg any of it down long enough to call it an argument. Its not logic, but listful, and as such hard to believe in at all.

Hard to know what will come of this...

this is the first post in weeks...    

hope it was vaguely satisfying

4.2.12

My computer says it is 9:25 and its wrong, because I am in Seattle.
I have been hanging with Melissa, and may see Gabs tonight or tomorrow before heading back east.
This trip has been really nice, but exhausting as well.

It started last Wednesday after a full day of work, and more than a few smiles and hugs from Victoria saying she would miss me. Its hard to say how much I appreciate that, though I wouldn't necessarily feel all that comfy telling her.  Its just nice to see someone who has passion, its nice to feel it directed at you in the positive way.

I met up with Steve who took me to the airport and met Ben from SoT. We talked about school and politics and then set out to Chicago.
In Chi town he told me about the local foods that he adored (he went to college there) and we snacked. Then we boarded a flight for Portland.

Tight seats, but we chatted with one of his seat mates, and scanned through the readings assigned to us for the conference.  With little sleep, at something like 11:30 West coast time, we headed to our hotel which was an old middle school that had been redesigned and was basically the coolest thing in the world.  I spent another two hours awake with thoughts and we woke up for a breakfast with our main contact Meagan, who reminds me of a cross between Andrea and Lyda.  Meagan told us just a bit about the conference and confirmed our suspicion that we were walking into an amateur show and would be on display. We volunteered to try to sway the conversations towards things that would help her, since part of this whole conference is to work to get progressive churches some cash and make a splash on the ELCA.

Well... the first day was pretty uneventful, very similar in design to a stripped down version of weeklong training. That night we had dinner as a collective and the local bishop gave a bit of a sermon on how the Eucharist relates to the economy.
It was a good sermon, which was followed by everyone giving communion to each other, a ceremony that was really beautiful except that i am not sure about taking communion anymore, and Ben being Jewish didn't feel comfortable taking part.

The next day got a little more into the purpose of the conference, but not too in depth.
That night I decided to explore Portland a little and since we had to change hotels it worked out perfectly as the new hotel was much closer to the city center.

I walked down from Lloyd center over the steel bridge into downtown. Porland's downtown is full of these tiny little blocks that make you feel like you can fly by how fast they go by. I first explored the remnants of the china town (where I would later meet Ryan for lunch), then up and down some of the main blocks, stopping to take a few pictures and read a few signs.
I stopped into a Baskin Robbins for a single scoop of Daiquiri Ice on a sugar cone. Then continued walking in and out of the blocks, while checking in occasionally with Melissa who I was to meet up with in Pearl District.

Congrats miss
I don't know what to say, I hope life is what you wanted it to be.
I hope people made you smile, laugh, feel loved, and stopped playing laser tag when you asked them to.

saturDAY

I was nervous particularly on the one issue, how do you ask people if they want coffee sleeves?
Flyering I had done... several times over the past few weeks. I was pretty clear on what was expected, I could envision each message board, or stack of flyers where I would make my attachment or drop, but asking about coffee sleeves meant conversation, meant interaction with busy baristas.

Turns out its pretty easy to get people to take free shit.  I had no refusals. I even got the slight whiff of excitement. "Marriage Equality we are for."  "Sure we'll take them, we don't even have coffee sleeves" "Free? awesome (points to stack of coffee sleeves)".

This time around was easy, I don't know why I had been dreading it so much.
I guess because I don't know if its doing anything real... sure the people we know are seeing the message, but does it excite people? Will they respond?

The event is Mar 18th. 8 days till we find out what we are capable of the first time around. We set a ambitious goal of 200, we are wondering about 60 at this point.
Grant just got a job with MUAF so that means he can get out the word in a variety of new ways, but may not be able to promote us in the same way.

I am officially going to Portland at the end of the month to learn about other progressive congregations and share ideas. I may jump up to Seattle to see Gabs and Mel.  I could use the break, the freedom of travel, the ideas that come when all you have going is time to think. The time to reflect on what it is to just exist in a space and let time move.

I think my heart has been hurting because we are coming up on Spring Break.
I spent last year running out to England to get my freedom on, to reassure Becky that she was okay.
Turns out she is, without me. 
I have really good memories of that trip. It still means a lot to me, but now I feel this huge loss when I think about it.  I guess sometimes disappointment and rejection feel the same to me.  I am disappointed.   I feel like I love this person but hate the way they live their life, maybe I am just bitter...
When my heart hurts sometimes its hard to get my mind straight. Its like this cloudy substance that keeps me from seeing anything clearly. I have been really annoyed with that because its the exact time I need to be more clear... I have two giant projects that I call my livelihood.
I have friends who have needs. I have needs and desires that I can't quite explain or ask help with.

It's Steve's 26th birthday. He just told me he has been on medical leave for 2 weeks and that he wants to leave the state. I told him to leave the country... go find something real.
I haven't really checked in with him since we went to Denny's months ago.

Its funny to hear he is in a similar place, I am so attached yet feel kind of lost, he is unattached and feels lost.

That's some perspective for ya. 

The music at this coffee shop is annoyingly loud, makes it hard to think. I like it sometimes though... how annoying



WHEN I got here I was thinking about how lost I am. I started reading the Deepak Chopra book and started feeling more centered and then wondered if I was really lost or just feeling that way because I was dwelling on the things that were slightly out of reach. Trying to control everything. Then I wrote some notes and felt better
A list of things I want to do this week, a schedule of the days, a list of names of people I want to invite to the event on the 18th. I want to write another thing, something more comprehensive about all the things I know are going on right now. So I can get them out of my brain, and onto something to see. A quick reference guide instead of a dwelling or intuition that I can't shake.



I don't know what else to say... this is the funniest new show I have discovered.

no one believed him

Listening to first aid kit. I never really liked them other than the one cover, and then I heard them on the radio recently and thought "damn I love this band"  and that is how I discover music these days... music that everyone else discovered like 10 years ago and told me about... and then it takes me all this time to realize I like it.

I was having coffee with someone tonight and she kept challenging my points, and I knew that it was out of her desire to get me to see how great things were, and because my cynicism was pointing in the way of the things she spends her life doing, but it felt weird to be challenged and with such clarity that it made my entire idea fall apart.

That's how I feel lately. Like I can't clarify my ideas and other people can outargue me. 

But it was actually kind of nice to have someone so defiant and well-spoken challenge my pessimism. It made me feel out of touch, but sort of gave me a lot of hope to see someone passionate.

I may have gotten my reassurance today when that same individual walked up to and hugged/chatted with a former student(one of my favorite former students). They had canvassed together and it made me realize that the right people meet the right people and things are good. 

I haven't been convinced myself tonight... but I think that was supposed to be a sign.

I am worried about work. 

I fear that we have reached some scary point of no return. 

Its hard to put that fear into words, but it permeates the atmosphere sometimes, people are tense and ready to snap. 

My friend told me tonight that it sounded like I was trying to "save" my students...

I didn't want to admit it, but I think there is something to that again.

I think I have been caught up in the whole, if I don't do it, it won't get done... in SoT, in work and with the students... like I have to get them to think before its too late!

Over last winter break I had to repeat to myself over and over that it isn't my responsibility to save these organizations... that if they aren't sustainable, and we can't collectively find a way to make them that way, then its not my fault if they fail.

But its hard when you see things falling apart and you watch the people you care about stumbling for falling dishes and they catch a few, but a few shatter on the floor and you watch them cringe in pain as they step on broken fragments, and you can't help but reach for a few too many plates yourself,  few too many steps and suddenly you too are a bloody mess.

I might be going to Portland for a few days... maybe hit up Seattle too.

My coworkers make a lot of jokes lately about the women they think I am destined to marry.

Its this cute joke, that makes me feel simultaneously sort of embarrassed and super happy.

So far the list includes one of our student's mothers (who I have to call a lot due to behavior issues)

and this lady (a done deal once I get a plane ticket),  as well as any random they see me look at, like the waitress at the restaurant we went to a week or two ago (who I was looking at because I was worried she was going to get sauce all over my food).  The embarrassment comes from the obvious fact that they have known me for years and I have almost never mentioned anything romantic (because I haven't really had anything). The happy part comes from the idea that they make it seem like they have full confidence that if I just went down to Chile or had the right run in, it would be as simple as that. Like they make it seem like it would be really easy if I actually tried. Like I am loveable, like its only a matter of my intention.  There is something really reassuring there... though I know they don't have the full story... its nice to believe they have that kind of faith in me, even if it is a joke. 

Tomorrow we start evals. I didn't get what I wanted to accomplish tonight done... but I got what I needed done.  Maybe tomorrow I can give it another try. 

Goodnight 

This song cracks me up (Its a revised version of another of his songs, specially made for the election cycle, almost completely new lyrics).

so many great lines, but I really enjoy the

"He got a flat tire, cuz of gay marriage
Brett Favre retired cuz of gay marriage"

Dreams and Dreams

First off this

What do you think?

I love the idea, but even if it doesn't work, you gotta give it up for the inspiring videography.

Second:  my Cat is a pig, the one cat just ate both the cats' food.

Third:

I went to bed asking for reassurance that I was on the right path.

This is my dream.

I pull up to a white house that strangely has an overhang like a drop off spot for people... I am driving a dirty white car and it is clear that I have been driving for a long time.

I get out of the car with a few bags and a lot of nervousness, wonder what the hell I am doing here. Worry that I am overstepping some boundaries.

At this point I am alone, but later I seem to have a companion at times. 

I wait at the door, and two people show up, one is Lex, she is frazzled and not happy to see me. The other is her fiance, who looks nothing like her real life fiance, but rather more like a movie star. She is upset, but allows me to speak. 

I say something to the effect of "I have traveled all this way to try to make it up to you, the least you can do is let me stay a few days." 

There doesn't seem to be much open resistance, but there is almost no welcoming on either of their faces. 

He seems annoyed, but well mannered enough to try to make the best of the situation. She seems cold, and gives me a look like "stay out of my way."

The house is big enough.

I am not sure how long I am there, but there is a noticeable recognition that I must return home to work within a few days.  I seem to be anxious that the point of my visit won't occur, until right before I leave, but I don't generally seem to be trying anything out but entertaining myself.

The house fills up. Over the few days I am there, there are more and more house guests of all manner. People don't seem to be in any particular hurry, they have no mission, they want to enjoy themselves, and don't really care what else is going on.

Throughout my time there I see in crowded rooms, Alexis giving me looks of frustration, followed by her exit. As if she doesn't want to make a scene. Her fiance on the other hand, warms up to me. We pal around with the other guests, at one point I feel like he is my main but very friendly competition in a giant game of laser tag that is being played in and around the guests (with them as obstacles). 

The conclusion never occurs. I wake up

I don't think this dream offered any kind of reassurance. Neither did any of the dreams that followed. I guess I was looking for reassurance on two levels:
A) Am I doing the right thing with my life? am I on the right path?
B) Will I find the sort of romantic relationship I want to find if I stay on this path?

The other dreams have all been frustrating and somewhat negative. 
I gave Illy an example of a dream in which I was eating  a single slice of pizza (something I desire a whole lot but also fear to a great extent).  I was eating this slice of pizza while listening to someone tell in great detail of a mutual acquaintance who went in to fits of hysterics while eating pizza, because he realized that it was killing him. He got angry, almost violent, and then suddenly his organs seized up and he went into a coma.  I listened to this story, remembered the last time I had a significant amount of dairy which resulted in me becoming violently ill, and took another bite.  
It was like I had a choice but couldn't fathom not eating the pizza. Like I had already resigned to the horrible end I would come to even though I was being warned, even though it wasn't too late... it felt like it was. 

I am not sure exactly what that means. For the most part in my day I am optimistic, but facing huge problems in all of the work that I do. I look for reassurance and find confusion, chaos and feelings of powerlessness in the face of obvious self destruction. 

But I don't feel like I am on the wrong track... I just wonder if maybe it is supposed to be easier... or feel more pleasurable... or if there is supposed to be more reassurance imbedded. 

oh well 

relish

I have over 2000 posts

Last night Illy said something like "Yeah, cuz you're the only one in the world that thinks things."

Shultz  and the cats woke me up asking about movies and food, respectively.

Today I play Diplomacy

Right now I am listening to Joanna Newsom

Two things on Tumblr make me LOL this morning... one of them was this tidbit of hilarity

"I’m so proud of her for producing this book from her brain and I think a lot of you will really relish in it. On account of most of you are hot dogs. The rest of you will think it is neat on a human level."

The other was a woman named roseellendix who is a very vulgar british lesbian college student. 

Today we have a potluck at SoT, followed by a marriage campaign meeting, followed by diplomacy,  none of which I have followed through on to the extent I was expected. 

It is 8:43 AM

We spent a lot of last night talking about marriage and relationships. I wonder what we would have talked about if it had been a group of guys instead of women. 

3 more days of class until evals *finals

14 days until the mar 18 event that we have been working on for a few months... no idea how many people will actually come.