Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

this post isnt meant to hurt or frustrate anyone, im not asking for help, or anything either, but if i unintentionally piss anyone off or alarm anyone, know that its not my intent and i will be happy to clear stuff up as best i can, but this is me just thinking out loud getting some feelings out etc




I found out i dont have strep, just a cold, and no excuse to skip
classes, and then it changed into different symptoms, but im glad i got
some sleep its good for me. Becky and I might be going to a movie
tonight, at least i hope so. I have been so weird lately. I wanted to
tell this kid in my class i was jealous of him. I felt like it was so
stupid i needed to confess, and i would have had he shown any interest in
looking up from his comicbook. But i know how that is too. You always
want to finish whatever you are reading but with comics the action/drama
never stops so its hard to find a place...


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Im really starting to worry about leaving. we have like 7 weeks left of
school i think, and then its like a week and a half, or not even, a week
to tell everyone i love them before i leave them again, possibly for good.
I will be stressed this is another reason i want to be on
antidepressants. I dont want to think about how i have completely wasted
the only opportunity i may ever get to truly get to know some people. I
came to this school because certain people went here. I never connected
with any of them the way i wanted to. When i see them i feel ashamed, in
the case of tim and kristen I have forgiven myself to some extent because
I can see how excited they were to move on, how they had been eager in
fact. With andy and ashley I dont feel like i have any excuse once so
ever except being shy, apathetic, self centered and such. I feel like i
have wasted so much opportunity, even to show them how much i like them. I
dont feel like i could ever convince them at this point-- they could only
ask "well why didnt you ever hang out?" and i would say "cuz im an
idiot" and it wouldnt be good enough.

and then there is becky. I tear up at the thought. (im gonna get really
angsty here, but most of this is about my feelings, my thoughts, my worries
not her) I tried to ask myself if i was exaggerating my feelings, if i
was turning her into something shes not, and im sure i always have in my
mind, the way i glorify all of my friends in my head, but as far as my
feelings go, I asked myself if i was just trying to hold onto something
that was gone, and then remembered i came to these conclusions before she
left.
and now im leaving. ----a week ago even i was thinking how great this
escape would be for me, for me to get away get some distance. Now it
seems like cutting off my head or something. like im gonna lose
everything. When i think about it logically everything is fine, we will
both move on etc. we can be friends it will be good i dont have to
worry or care so much. When i feel it, its not exciting, it hurts.
its not escape to find whole self, its cutting off a leg and limping away.
It hurts to think how quick we will grow apart, how she wont be here next
year, how she may have moved on already. I feel like im losing my last
chance to be around a person who has given me in many ways, not all, but
in many ways (even ways i didnt know were possible) like everything i
wanted. I may have appeared content, I was happy. I was challenged,
I was valued and supported. and its true that i may remember and think
fondly on our relationship, maybe idealize her within it. But until i
met her i didnt know these things were possible in a relationship and as
much i look forward to having them with others. I doubt now, that they
will be possible again. I doubt now, because i didnt necessarily
recognize and most certainly wasnt able to hold on to one of the best
things that ever happened to me, in such a way that hasnt happened before,
I have lost friends. I have had troubles, but things worked out. I
worry that i will lose this one.

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it brings up every shred of my insecurity on a regular basis, i become
emotional at random times for no reason, and it reminds me how fragile i
am. how hurt frustrated and defensive i can get, how uncaring. It
reminds me how much i want to care about people, how much it happens with
out my approval and how vulnerable i am when they dont need me the way i
need them. it reminds me things change, and i dont have control and
that scares the hell out of me, even when i like the changes, (if they
happen when im not prepared)

I wrote that post about hurting myself with thoughts, i think thats why
I do it. so i feel like i have control over my reactions in case those
things happen.
I think about horrible things so i can react calmly, so i can be reliabe,
so im secure.