under a gray sky

 

Last weekend I went to visit my step father's parents in South Dakota for Easter. Step Grandma had a heart attack a few months ago, and I never reached out. I also didn't respond to her Christmas Gift or Birthday Gift, so basically I was feeling like I hadn't followed through with my end of the relationship. It felt good to be there. She had tried her best to be accommodating of my diet, and went out of her way to make it a welcoming environment. 

I was nervous for the week ahead, but every time I pulled myself back to the moment, everything was ok, was good. I was quiet for much of the trip. Grant and my mom talked a lot. I spend so much of my time being nervous about social interactions, and it felt good to just sit with everything. On the way back, Grant asked and challenged me on a few things, and it felt helpful. Good reframes that I guess I had been considering, but they are traps I fall into. One thing he pointed out was the difference between some of the family members, how James and Chris and he, are able to be confident and move through the world without worrying that they are doing something wrong, or aren't enough. It has meant that they find new relationships wherever they go. Whereas Steve and Nate and I, seem to have a different disposition, that isn't based on our personalities or gifts, but simply our outlook. We aren't as flirty, we don't follow through, we don't risk in the same way. Which is funny, because arguably Steve and Nate and I have taken more risks in our lives, but they were risks we took alone. 

It was an interesting idea... I find myself getting challenged left and right on my concept of self, the story I tell. But I also have a hard time separating it from the experience. 

In college, I was a bit more flirty. My jobs have certainly made that difficult somewhat inappropriate... But in college I also felt like I was constantly stepping over people's boundaries, disappointing them, seeming to imply too much without being willing to follow through. My friendship meant a lot to people, but those that wanted more, felt like I was rejecting them. I didn't like that feeling. I still don't like it. 

Maybe this is the issue with having female friends? But also, an email from a friend totally made my day the other day.

Last week my supervisor called me out on similar things, this concept of self. But I was also left thinking: "sure, by you're married and have kids, so you have that safety net of support (for better or worse). I've spent quarantine alone driving myself nuts..."

This week it stormed all week and I didn't get out to walk. I didn't center myself a whole lot in that hour walk after work, but tried to in the moment throughout the day. It ended up being a good week, with some disappointments and challenges, but ultimately good. The kids had low energy, but slowly built and it felt manageable rather than erratic. I am excited for the future. But yesterday when I walked the lake with my Dad, it became apparent again how my entire life seems to revolve around work. 

I am doing some creative projects on the side. More painting, a couple of ideas in mind for a vacation. But still very work focused. 

And then on the weekends when I get lonely, it's easy to fall back into familiar drama of the mind/heart. Why wasn't I good enough? Why was she so cruel? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why am I so picky? Why can't I just make things work? Why don't I like anyone?

Why why why... I spent all my life with the why's, teach others to consider them, and sometimes wonder if its even worth it. Has the focus on "why" got me so fucked up?  Sometimes I think about the people I have done therapy with, and how their lives are fundamentally more holistic than mine, complete with a touch of chaos, of conflict, of drama, but wholesome, not defined by absence, not defined by investigation and discernment, but action oriented enough to have a life. Forward momentum. 

It's easy to wonder why, when I am lonely and wondering where a potential companion is. And yet, I have turned down peoples offers of companionship. Some idea of who I should be with, rather than just enjoying what is. I scroll through bumble profiles and find the prettiest, but wouldn't know how to keep a conversation going. 

Accomplished most of the things I set out to do this weekend. 

Might try to write a breakup poem (see I am lost in drama), and do some more painting. 

But mostly it's a cold gray non-inspiring day. Other than FOMO, I'd be perfectly content going back to sleep and dreaming up worlds. 

letter

Dear -----

This is gonna be a rant. So feel free to read at your own convenience. 

 

The other day you reached out, out of the blue to send me love. 

It was really helpful. But I didn’t respond. That morning, I was preparing for what felt like would be a difficult day. Around that same time, I spent 30 minutes meditating in my office and began to cry as I thought of the suffering of all my clients. I saw images over and over in my mind, of the universe, splitting apart and coming together, collision and division, creation and destruction, but which was which, was totally beyond me. It was beautiful. Breathtaking. And hard to bear so much sadness. 

 

I have been trying to meditate more often. Getting into a good heart space. It’s odd how when I am not in that space, I am very resistant to it. But when I get back to it, I am open to the world, and yet… find it difficult to relate with other people. More on that later. 

 

On Friday my coworker who I was basically work-partners with for the last year, had her last day. She had been burned out for months, so it wasn’t that big of a surprise. But she told me the previous week, and this week we are on spring break, so it was an abrupt change. It will be even harder when we go back, we were already short staffed and so now we will have to take on additional jobs to cover for her position. On top of that, many of the students depended on her for better or worse. She isn’t a very open communicative person, so it was difficult to be partners. At the same time, we transitioned to telehealth shortly after I took the job, so without direct supervision, in many ways I relied on her to teach me the job. 

 

Her position was the Mental Health Worker -which basically means someone with a BA who doesn’t really know what they are doing. Not enough training, and they are thrown into the mix to take all the little jobs that the higher ups don’t have time for. My coworker often spent her time fixing the computer links and making sure the desks were 6 ft apart to be in compliance. 

In the last few months, I had a lot of internal frustration with her, because as she burned out, it was apparent that it was impacting the kids (and making my job harder). In the best case, she was neutral. She would watch tv and movies (day after day) with them and ask them to find examples of the skills she was supposed to be teaching. In the worst case, she was simply delaying their timeline at day treatment, not really doing harm. But how to remedy that? No idea. I tried to talk with her, but even when we created plans she wouldn’t follow through for very long. EG, students should create goals on Monday and check back throughout the week. They would half-ass the goals on Monday, making them meaningless, and she would collect them and put them in a folder on her desk never to look at them again (makes no sense, right?). The thing I found more frustrating was that she would often insist the kids had the skills to self-regulate, but without teaching them any skills to self-regulate, or coaching them into it. She would give them worksheets, but never go over it with them to ensure they understood. It was kind of like in Guatemala when they asked us to show that we could create an excellent test, regardless of whether the kids could pass it. Felt very meaningless. Anyway, her job devolved into a sort of babysitter role during quarantine, and she was never able to get it back on track even when we were back to full time in-person. 

So it was her last day, and I felt all this pressure to support the students in honoring her, while simultaneously feeling somewhat glad she was leaving. Additionally, I felt like I had to hold some of the space for her… having known burnout from a job you feel attached to, it’s an odd mix of feelings and afterwards you feel like you’ve lost some part of yourself. The push-pull of wanting to hold space, and also acknowledge my own shit, is frustrating to me. I can handle that for the kids, but I find it irksome as shit to do it for my coworkers, and lately, I am realizing that all my coworkers are all too human. We are the same as the kids. Where are the adults? No idea. T

he more difficult thing for me is managing my own anxiety, thinking about next week when I have to plan two graduations from Day Treatment (which I have not done before), and prepare speeches and get the kids ready and all that, without a partner. I want to celebrate their achievements, but I can’t encompass a year worth of growth into a 30-minute event. I don’t want it to feel like a kick out the door, but it is. I am sure it is just my little worries, and that it will all turn out fine once I drop my perfectionism. They won’t even remember the speeches, just the feel after all. But it saddens me to realize I don’t have control over that. 

 

So, then I spent the whole weekend by myself. 

Not really talking or reaching out to anyone, it was sort of selfishness, a desire to give back to myself, and also a fear of not being enough for others. I’ve found myself in that space a lot these last few decades. I don’t like the scarcity mindset but I am there a lot. What is difficult is that when I am not in it, I almost jump to the other extreme (which happened this weekend). 

 

I thought of you a lot over the weekend, but still didn’t reach out. I pictured you and your decisions, those enormous universe changing decisions, and I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes it was the scarcity, but then there were other times when I just felt like moss growing on a rock. Like, a witness to the changing landscape. I have nothing to add, life is what it is. I don’t have any responsibility to it, other than to be the moss that I am… does that make sense? 

 

Sometimes when I am out walking, or when I am meditating, I get into this weird state where everything is in its right place. I will look at a collection of different trees. Some with branches shooting straight up, others out sideways, others twisting like veins, and others hanging. And there is this weird feeling like they all matter equally. They are all miraculous, and their varying forms are what make the universe whole. The dead tree and the new sapling are all sacred. The tree with leaves, each leaf fluttering differently in the wind, each reflecting the sun light in a unique way, each bug bite on the leaf, each chlorophyll cell, each atom, everything is perfect. There is nothing to change, nothing to be pained by, except the awe. The awe is painful sometimes. I walk around and look at each winter coat, each strand of grass, each face, each dog, and everything is a reflection of G-d. It will change, it will grow and die, and each is in its right place. Each its journey, flowing perfectly. 

 

Sometimes I get scared by this feeling. Rather, I often get scared of this feeling, because I want it to last forever. 

It doesn’t. I get called back by a sudden ache in my feet, or a thirst, or a sugar level drop. I get called into familiar drama in my mind. In planning. In grocery lists. In thoughts of myself, my disconnection from others…

Sometimes I struggle to get back to it. I think, what if I just left all this life behind? Took up my monk robes. Went out. And it’s funny because I day dreamed of doing this as a child all the time, and I still do anytime I get a break. I joke with friends that if I didn’t have a sex drive, it’d be easy to be a wandering monk, following the miraculous. Staring at everything and everyone with a slight grin on my face. 

 

But I’d be lonely too. That’s the thing that often strikes me. When I am in that space, I feel completely part of the universe. I walk with my head high, I feel purposeful without specifics. I feel like I can trust in everything, that my follies, mistakes, sins are all part of the journey. Meant to be, karmically entangled to teach me of the unity of being, and so nothing is bad or wrong, just a breath in, a breath out. 

But despite being so fluidly part of the universe, a drop in the river, surrounded by every other drop in the river, I am also… sad. Mostly just lonely. I want to hold hands with another drop of water. I want to feel connected in a visceral way, even while connected in this universal… and I can’t do both. In a poem I wrote a few years ago I called it being tantalused (tantalized) but reaching in both directions and unable to obtain either. A sort of crucifix metaphor I suppose.  

When I am in my state of awe, I look around at these faces, and I assume they think I am high, that nothing I say matters, that I am a crazy person with my fuzzy face, my long hair, my piercings, my offcast gaze… they must assume I am high.  I feel high. I find everything amusing. I am high on something. But why can’t I share this high?  Why do I feel outcast in the midst of feeling everything is perfect? 

And then suddenly my mind shifts to every little criticism I have of myself, its why can’t I trust and celebrate with others when they experience it? Why am I curmudgeon who doesn’t actually like anyone? Why am I so judgmental? If everything has its right place, why do I hold grudges, why am I jealous, why am I so anxious to control… why can’t I just connect. Why do I have dozens of people whose calls I mean to respond to… but I don’t. Something isn’t right. I am not right. I must be… not ok. 

And I travel back and forth between these polar opposite feelings, but in both cases, I don’t feel the firm grip of connection. Don’t feel truly rooted nor dispersed in the universe. Caught between them always trying to reach in both directions.    

 

I had this thought that I might only have 20 or so years left. Sometimes that kind of idea freaks me out, but it was really helpful actually. It put a cap on things.  What will I do with the next 20 years? What are my actual priorities…?

 

Recently my boss asked me if I would like to apply for a different position, what could be similar to a promotion, but a slightly different track. I said I’d been considering it, but it didn’t feel right. The job would combine some of the things I like to do, create curriculum, support new staff, still do some of the therapist stuff.  But it feels like I can do all of those things without the job title and responsibilities I dislike. Even if they offered me a raise of 10k (which they wouldn’t), would it be worth it?  I don’t know. That’s not the reason I do things. 

I have a hard time imagining myself doing this job in a few years. Probably by the time I am 40, I will want to move on. For my own growth, I’ll need something different. I don’t know what that will be. Maybe monkeying around. Maybe being a monk. 

 

Is it reasonable to want kids if I only have 20 years left? Does it matter if it is reasonable? Should I do a job where I caretake others for the next 20 years Or should I go adventure some more. Should I learn to play music, write a book, keep a blog, run a community center… I dunno. In my awe state, I don’t have answers but anything that comes up is accepted. If I end up doing nothing, that’s acceptable too. If I run the course and stay the way I am, that’s fine. If I become someone new, that’s cool too. 

 

**** I had to go to work, and didn’t return to this for a few days. 

In the meantime, you told me things had changed for you?  I am curious. I want to know all the things!

 

 

Today was a weird day. I had supervision and had run out of things to say. So I told my supervisor I want to talk about the anxiety I feel around the graduations. I told her how its triggering anxiety in me, and how I have responded. And she said basically, of course, your adult-self responds effectively to that, you’re fine. But that fear that comes up, what’s that about? And I said, some desire to honor the kids, honor the relationship, some perfectionism, some desire to make everything perfect and control for everything, to do it well, to not cross lines accidentally, hold everything for everyone… and she kind of called me out on using these terms like “control” and “perfectionism” to mask the fear underneath, and mentioned that I should probably be in therapy for whatever that is.  

It was kind of brutal. Helpful, but hard. My inner little kid got sensitive. Her phrasing made me question a lot of things, and I went to one of those core belief charts and basically did a little analysis on myself. I really struggle with many of the core negative beliefs. Most of the shame/guilt, some of the survival stuff. It’s not just one. It’s fear of abandonment, of being alone, of not being good enough, incapable, unlovable, outcast, bad/evil, etc etc. I think in part, that is why it is so easy to relate to others, but also why I have a difficult time believing people relate to me. 

Anyway, it left me a little shook up this afternoon. Because I think in 99.9 % of ways, I have learned to be effective and productive and “good” at what I do. But what she was pointing out, is that’s my survival strategy, not simply because I care or am invested (most likely both). And I know this is true. I think about it a lot. It comes up every time I have to make a decision that involves another person. 

And of course, because she was concerned, it made me question everything.  Why do I do any of the things I do? Is it just because I am afraid I will be punished, outed as bad, unlovable, the worst?  If I am doing things because of these fears, does that make it bad? Am I less reliable than I believe myself to be? Am I just projecting on everyone all the time? Am I the one sabotaging all of my relationships?!? Will this fuck up all my clients?

And unfortunately… its true on some level. 

The shame is so pronounced, that I alternate between total heavenly zen (and somehow totally self-aggrandizing in it- and avoidant of relationships) to total shame-blame (and again totally self-oriented and avoidant). Neither of which can really be my true self -which I assume is somewhere in the middle and without so many hindrances getting in the way of relating to others... less certainty, more existing in relationship without so many thoughts. Just acknowledging everything is fine… not amazing, not horrible. It’s fine. It’s just as it always has been. 

 

But I think I have recreated the world that I felt as a child again and again. One in which I get positive attention for being responsible, and avoid disappointing others directly through withdrawing, not asking for my needs to be met, not taking risks to be my true self. And I think the world has responded to me in kind. Saying, yeah you seem alright, we won’t worry too much about you. 

I think I want to change this, and I don’t really know how. I think I was hoping that by putting myself in a better heart space more often, I would naturally shift out of it. But I don’t know. 

I don’t really know if it matters either.

 

What have you learned about yourself or the universe lately?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turning

 

I struggled to sleep last night, so when I woke up at 7:30 drank a few sips of water and decided to go back to sleep it was a decision that made sense. 

I woke up a little more rested but still discontent. 

The last thing I remember from the dream was arguing with the rich former bachelorette why she should still love me, we were married after all, had two children, my adventures away shouldn't have meant anything... but of course, it wasn't about me, she'd never loved me, I was just one more object she'd purchased. Nothing had value to her once she owned it. 

Not exactly light dreaming. 

The day wasn't much brighter. Gray and rainy, to be literal. I walked to the coffee shop, did a little journaling, but mostly spent the day doing absolutely nothing. 

Ate too much for dinner. 

Got lost in my mind a bit. 

Wished I were someone else and somewhere else in time and place. 

Wished I had mushrooms or weed to give me some sort of alternate experience. 

Instead I took ibuprofen for the headache and the strange dizziness I experienced from waking up too late. 

Watched the movie "chronicle" for the second time 9 years later. 

Stalked people on social media. 

Probably go to bed now, have some more awful sleep. 

9 of cups

 This weekend has been kind of weird. Very low key, but also like I am trying to avoid things. 

On Friday I found out another of my coworkers is leaving, and though in the long run, its probably a good thing since they were pretty burned out, in the short run, it will be very stressful.

On Saturday my Dad introduced me to a show called "Warrior" on HBO. So I have been binge watching it. Also, been watching AOE Hidden Cup Tournament (other people playing computer games). 

Today I chose not to respond to friends, and just relaxed. I didn't do laundry, but I am fairly prepared for the week. 

No big philosophical ideas. Nothing major...

But it does feel like I am anxious underneath. Like things are happening without my approval, and I am afraid to acknowledge them. I had a thought today that M is pregnant. It's a weird thought because I can't imagine her current relationship is working out very well... and yet, why wouldn't it be?

The only other thing that happened this weekend is that I read this erotic romance story, and felt the polar feelings of loneliness and hope. Had that thing where I was like, "of course I can just meet someone, and then everything will turn out differently."  and then just a lot of "holy shit I am no where near where I thought I would be at this point in my life, why don't I have kids? Why don't I have a partner? Why am I so annoying to myself in my own little apartment that I have to check out all weekend and watch bullshit?"   

Both of those feelings and thoughts.

Ediya says be patient. Anything can happen, and it will be fine by you. Because you'll respond with playfulness... I sure hope that could be true. 

a little heart space

This morning I woke up way too early. Like 6:45 on a Saturday WTF???

I didn't really have anything to do, so I made coffee and watched YouTube (AKA my life). 

I watched this video for centering myself 

and this video for perspective  

and listened to some John Frusciante after singing in the shower. 

Then I got antsy. People had been texting me, but I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. 

I decided to go to target (the weekly run). 

On the way I stopped and got Monkey Bread. 

It is sunny out, around 45-50 degrees, and it feels like spring. There were people walking the lake, and people sitting at Rustica and it just felt beautiful and like the world was back to normal. 

I started to have fond memories of M, and the feeling of excitement I used to have around her. That feeling of anticipation, of enjoyment in being in her presence, the possibility and hope -that feeling I had at the beginning, and really any time we hung out and she was actually present. 

I was reminded that I loved her, looked forward to hearing from her, knowing her, growing with her. And also that I loved myself when I was like that, that I loved the person I was, when I was in love. That possibility, that desire to go a little further, to push to expand. 

Of course there are downsides, there was the jealousy and the insecurity and the feeling that things were far too one-sided. But for awhile, I was oblivious to those things. I saw the world as a place of hope, and I stepped into it. 

I miss that side of me. I miss feeling like there is potential and hope. I would like to go back to the side of me that enjoys people, not out of obligation or work, but because I genuinely want to be around them.  I wish I felt that way more often.  I know I am very very likely to fall into codependency, but I am also very very sick of having to do everything for myself, I'd like to rely on someone else, and also to be there for them, instead of just me. Having a crush, or a love, makes the world feel like a better place. and its been so long since I had that. 

That was part of the trouble with M too, that it had been so long since someone struck sense from me, that I felt head over heels upon meetings her. I was dumb. I lost myself. And it felt good... for a time. 

Sometimes I worry that my job requires too much pushing, too much training, too much shaping. I get excited, involved, invested, and then disappointed because I can't manage and control every little thing. People are so complex. There isn't much we can do for them unless they want it too. You can't force someone or manipulate them into their best self, they have to choose it. Similarly you can't force or manipulate someone into loving you or providing for you, they have to choose it. 

In a good heart space, you can acknowledge that and let it come and go. Love what is. But its very hard to stay there. 

The age of everything

 

I ended up taking a day off from work. My fever broke around 2:30 AM, I remember waking up and moving without pain, and immediately thinking "this is amazing!" life being so sweet without pain and discomfort.  At some point in the night, I prayed that the universe would at least use the fever to burn away the neurons and synapses that left me feeling so stuck. 

And today it was like 60 degrees out. I took out the trash, got groceries, did laundry, made up for a weekend of feeling out of it. The world felt hopeful, felt full of potential and even though I felt a little run down and my arm still hurt, it was nothing like it had been. It was nothing like the mindset of being trapped in the winter. Nothing like the mindset of being afraid of the world. I started thinking about things I could plan now... a trip? A class? attending things? having friends?

And yes, I am sure my normal stress and anxiety will create some barriers but it felt possible. 

As the day went on, I started thinking about how I didn't want to think about work. Didn't really want to go to work. When I am in work mode, it feels like everything else goes out the window. A 2 day weekend usually gives me a break, but 3 days off  is enough to pull me from it. I start to feel a little resentment towards work, not just the anxiety of being prepared, but an actual disgust at giving up life to do a thing however meaningful that doesn't really change anything for my life. Work is so funny. 

I think 3 days off is enough to awake me to the world, remind me nothing is wrong except that we are fixated on the wrong things... and so running back in to my work to reassure children who are growing up in a sick society that they are ok, seems silly.  Yo, is this what you want?  then change it. 

But I guess the time off is also enough for me to shed light on my own reality, is this what you want? then change it. 

Its so easy to go on YouTube and find a million people who know things better than I do... I am not the teacher anymore.  And similarly it is easy to find people being creative. If I compare myself, then nothing is worthwhile. In the age of everything, what is worth doing?

Today I watched a video -the settling plans for Mars... they predict they could have a hundred thousand people there within a 100 years. At first, it seems wild that anyone would leave... but I imagine a billion people will want that feeling, that feeling that what they do matters in some way. 

Eastern cultures have gotten so much better at calming this issue. Go with the flow. Know your place. Recognize the universe is creation AND destruction. Work well and in your next life you will be rewarded.  My day to day is so minimalist that I have a hard time enticing myself out of bed. If I wasn't a coffee addict, I might sleep forever. I was bored today. It felt good to be bored. It made me want to go to a coffee shop and read and write. It felt like I was being invited back into the world. 

Rachel just texted me that she is watching people on YouTube play geoguessr and was like what the hell? And I responded that this is life now. 

Things I was considering taking a class in:  

kundalini yoga, tantra, eastern medicine (one of the forms)

ACT, ART, EMDR, Brain spotting, somatic experiencing, 

UU theology, pastoral counseling, 

Its funny because when I was in my last program I routinely thought about how the program wasn't giving me the things I hoped it would. I wanted more social time, wanted a romantic life, wanted people to discuss big things with... the program didn't provide those, the people did. But I was too anxious and too stressed to invite them into my life -or did... and it didn't end well. 

All of these things are more of the same. More of Mike pursuing his own passions... but hoping that others who share these passions might like me. Some of it is more physical based. I think I need more meditation and more physical exercise in my life. These are things I might need the structure for, in order to make habit. 

I wonder if I woke up and listened to like Alan Watts every morning or something if I would feel better. 

Gonna go do some reading... since I know nothing. 

trade offs

I really like remembering my dreams. One of the reasons I like to sleep in is because I tend to remember more of them, be more aware when I am having them etc. But over the last few years it feels like when I sleep in, I almost always get headaches, and feel out of it most of the day. I struggle to multitask, I can't think and listen to music at the same time, I can't focus as easily, ya know.  So today was one of those days. 

I got my second dose of Moderna vaccine today, and went for a walk. My mood got worse as I walked, and I started arguing with M in my head, almost just to have something to think about. Eventually I turned my music off and prayed a bit as I walked, but I definitely felt off. I broke plans with Illy, and took a nap. I ate a bunch of dairy free ice cream, and vegged. James and Maddy called. It was nice to see the niece. 

I don't know if I will have serious side effects this time. My arm is starting to feel sore, but mostly I am just aware of my melancholy. But if I think about it, this actually started Thursday. 

On Thursday after work I was really grateful and proud. I felt like I was blessed with this opportunity to be part of all these teens lives and see the wonderful things they are doing. I started thinking about how grateful I am for things in my life, and considered my relationships. 

No, I am not happy with the quantity or quality of my relationships lately, and a little sad that I broke plans with Illy... Im a little worried I am having social anxiety to a much stronger degree than a few years ago... but whatever... I was grateful Thursday.  One of the things that really hit me was the relief of my dad getting his surgery. The relief of knowing that he would continue to be part of our lives and not slink away into his isolation. Presumably the cochlear surgery will be life changing. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but a few years ago he was scared of doing it, and there was a great relief in just knowing that he chose to. I have a lot of family members who are very stubborn (myself included), and our fears are rationalized into these decisions that hurt us. It's been sort of awful these last few years noticing my dad was losing his hearing significantly, no longer wanting to be out in public, unable to participate in group discussions etc., but presumably, or at least hopefully, that will change. There will be a time of adjustment, but they predicted he could regain up to 50% of his hearing, which would mean he could hear his grandkids and his kids and his wife, and his friends again... it would mean that if he takes care of himself he'd add a decade to his life, and be more happy all the while. 

The fear that I rationalize things (and that I don't let people who care about me argue me out of these stubborn positions). I've been trying to think critically about myself and how much of my life is lived in this stubborn narrow framework. I am not sure if its because I know myself and like these things, or because I am afraid of everything else. 

When I was with M, things felt more possible. When we broke up, I returned to my old habits even stronger. Not that I wasn't doing the same stuff, but with a partner I was willing to step out a bit more. 

A student told me this week that she hopes I am less regulated when I am around my friends and significant others. She said it was hard to trust me or get to know me. I get a lot of that from the kids, because I intentionally don't talk about myself (therapy is about them, after all). But this last year I haven't had much of a self outside of work... 

I dunno. I guess I often feel like I am this one set of things this box of traits that people appreciate -a good listener, a thoughtful person, a good problem solver, someone that can be relied on for big things... and all my other stuff is saved for me or is used to keep that side afloat.  

That dream last night about the poetry book, it was like I was trying to tell people I am more than just the one thing, desperate for them to see I had value outside my work. To prove to the critics...

I meet a lot of clients who experience this too, suddenly they realize they are in a role, and they aren't sure if they even like it.

When I moved to South America I had that for weeks, I wasn't a teacher, what was I? why was I worth talking to?  Thats sort of my life...  and I am not sure what people are like outside that. When I am in a good mood, I can see each person as complex, potential and history, possibility and functions, traits and ego, soul and heartache... you know, each person is a masterpiece. But when I am not in a good mood, I feel like everyone is the same. People don't really stand out too much. Thats part of why I don't have many crushes.  And its hard for me to imagine how anyone would see me as anything other than my caretaking traits, since that is all I let people see these days. 

M saw me in my job. She saw how I was eager to support her. And then when she had to deal with the me underneath she didn't find it all that attractive.  But of all the people I've loved, that's pretty much been the same way we met. Caretaker Mike.  Jesse might have been a little different because we met while traveling, but for years after, she would reach out to me for advice or to complain about stuff. She needed to vent, I was always there to listen. 

I guess it is because I love this side of myself and put all my energy into it, that I can't be surprised that people don't appreciate the rest. But chicken or egg right? Did I put all my effort into being a healer because it was rewarded?  When I see brilliant artists, musicians, writers, etc, I get jealous. I get a little envious of people with other gifts, but they put all their time and effort into that... and I put mine into being able to read and understand people and listen. And I am good at it. It's natural, but I have put thousands of hours into being better at it. I am still learning, but I've never had anyone be like "Mike you suck at this job" or even "mike you need some significant improvements." other than in paperwork and boundaries which I understood (due to anxiety and burnout). 

So now I am good at being a therapist and sometimes good at teaching... and people don't really want to date a therapist, especially when that therapist is also super picky, and weird, lives like a monk, is critical of everything, and has kinks that make the average person gag. Or at least that's what it feels like. 

I was thinking about how KT liked me for my poetry first. Never anything romantic between us, but it always felt cool to be appreciated for something else first. I've experienced that very few times in my life. Most people have met me through education/therapy/helping. 

I really wanted to try on a new set of skills, a new role. I am still hurting over the idea that I am not a father. I mean, I've been a surrogate father figure for like hundreds of teenagers at this point, but I don't have any kids to experience the full picture. I don't have the challenges to my own ego. I don't have the push/pull to expand myself for them, to attend sports games I have no interest in, or learn about their passions, or play dolls or  just whatever to show them they are loved. I don't have the kiddo waking me from my dreams.  I don't have the kiddo waking me from my irritability -the chance to practice forcing myself into gratitude. 

I am 37. There is a pandemic. I have lost most of my community. Neglected my friends. I have no relationship. I am good at my job, but have no reason to pursue forward except my own frustration and boredom.  Money wise, I am fine. The only thing of my own that is significant to me is my writing, and I have not pursued it, because it is mine alone and I don't have the motivation to push myself. 

Sometimes I think about quitting this job. This job I am really enjoying, just to force myself to be a writer. I think I would have to downsize in a lot of ways. Maybe start living in a van or something. Move away. I fear I would regret giving up the longterm stability, the same way it sometimes irks me to think that despite being really good at my job, I am still a beginner in the field. Some folks are at my same professional level despite being 25...  second career woes. Giving stuff up to travel woes.

My my parents are all at retirement age. They are in this place where in a traditional culture they would be revered for their wisdom, but instead, in all cases but my Mom, they are being pushed aside to make way for younger or different. They are each finding ways to tackle that challenge. But it's weird to me to feel like I am setting myself up for the same future. Would I want my mom's role?  Will I adjust and move into something else? How will I adapt?

I watched a short video last night that was sort of the math/science version of the same old religious ideas. This sort of thing always make me roll my eyes, how western thoughts reinforce the wisdom of thousands of years of eastern cultures, but have to rebrand it and call it their own. We are so Colombian... colonialists, imperialists, teenagers... 

But anyway, the video was about reframing the universe as points of consciousness combining in various forms, and argued that each living thing sees these forms in the ways that best propagate their species. So a cat's universe and our universe might look nothing alike, as each is just connecting various consciousnesses and adapting them for their own needs. Maybe plants and food and the sky looking nothing like what they look like to you or I. 

None of this is all that different from the idea that consciousness is bigger than us, and we see it from our perspective (as all eastern and most mystic, and indigenous perspectives would say), and that symbols are not universal, but that once they are established as symbolic they create connections, eg language and how it shapes the universe, rather than simply describing the universe. 

again eye roll that this is obviously not new, except the guy said they can prove it with maths now. 

but how does that apply to the stubborn boundaries I am putting on myself? 

Well, the one thing the guy said that felt new, but which also makes sense and is described in most religions, is that species that see things accurately go extinct, and that those who view things inaccurately tend to flourish (IE garden of eden, burning bush, Arjuna and Krishna). We flourish when we see possibilities, when we use our imagination, when we call forth out of the ether new things that don't exist in the limits. The more we know ourselves as limited, the closer we are to death. The more we see ourselves as unlimited, the more we feel potential for growth. 

I see myself as limited. I set boundaries and stick stubbornly to my narrows, I cling to my stories, present the simplest versions of myself, hiding the possibility the limitless potential. And this is how I kill myself. By saying things aren't possible because reality is too... real. Scarcity is too true. Loss of hope is an accurate projection... shutting down all to the point of death.  And for me, I could be a new mike in any moment, open my life up, become expansive. But I don't and so I will die. 

Maybe?  I dunno. Interesting concept though. 

Dreams

Last summer I had a dream that was really similar to this. Seeing this video yesterday reminded me of it. What are the odds?   What does it mean?

2) I was teaching a class at a college. There were people staring in the windows, and I felt it was a privacy violation, so I rushed over to shut the shades and shoo the people away. The class ended, and I realized I was dilly dallying and had places to be. 

I had my own classes to attend... what were they again? 

My transcript had the class names but not their location, I was late already and I knew if I was too late they would drop me from the class and allow an alternate to take my spot. The next class 1:00pm was the only class I was excited about: Creative Writing. I rushed across the unknown campus, a maze of hallways and buildings that felt more like an airport than a university. 

I was pretty sure I knew which area of campus the class was in, but I needed the room number. I was looking for the information desk *this is a theme in all of my school/college related dreams - I never know where I am supposed to be and arrive late. There was no one at the info desk, so I ran up and down the hallways increasingly panicking, sweaty, uncomfortable. Finally I got ahold of someone at the information desk, and got the room numbers. They seemed frustrated with me for not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. Suddenly I realized I didn't have my computer bag. Where in the last 20 minutes had I let it drop? I scanned the crowded building and with increasing panic, disappointment and a touch of anger, realized I had lost my computer and would never see it again. It dragged on me... I got the information and tried to think clearly about where to go. 

I started walking towards a building, following the numbers. The building was poorly designed, so that the stair wells required leaps from each level. It was ridiculous, and all the students going up and down were international students. I realized this was a poorly designed and decaying building that was the advisory for international students who wouldn't complain about the infrastructure. I was still hounded by the fact that I had lost my computer. It was in a red bag, it would stand out. But amongst the crowds of thousands, I would probably never see it. 

I headed back towards the main hub where the information desk was, scanning for my bag as I went, and began asking around about the direction of the English department. It had been 30-40 minutes, I would be lucky to make it to the last 5 minutes of class and explain that my computer was stolen. 

I headed down the right hallway, but never found the class, instead, the crowds began to get larger, something was going on in the world, people crowded around the tvs. I didn't have time for that. Instead, I navigated through the halls, and started thinking about my next class. Something about the biology of potatoes. This class was in a completely different section of the campus that would require going outside and passing through a small forest to the agriculture center. It seemed odd to me that I would have classes without passing time, and I started to realize that I would have to drop out of every other class just to make the few I could attend. 

3) I was in a vehicle with three other people. It was like we were in a van and all the seats had been changed to make it so that the passengers faced each other. I don't know who two of the people were, maybe cousins? The third was an aunt I never really got along with. Someone who I always thought had it out for me, eyed me with suspicion. 

I was reading from my newly published poetry book. I liked the feel of it in my hands. Liked the weight, which felt like it had substance. Liked the imagery on the pages, which felt like the writing was just one of the offerings. But the words were all wrong. The poems, even the ones I knew were backwards, out of place, words were scraped along from one line to the next, massacred across the page. 

My little collections of thoughts were zombified. They were just not right. 

I read from the selections, trying my best to fill in the gaps, get the pacing right, read the muddled words that were mirrored, upside down, all misprinted horror.  

I knew there was something underneath worth sharing, something of mine, but I felt that panic creeping, that paranoia, that sweat of stage fright. 

The audience of 3 were indifferent. No signs of enjoying or hating it, but I wanted to share something of me. 

After reading 3 or 4, stumbling to read, mumbling out the mangled, I stopped, and told them what had happened. A misprint. I can't read this, but I do remember a few... I remember a few that I used to perform at open mics, and yes, I would stumble, but people would applaud. People liked my words. And if you can be patient, I can find one that feels right...

Sunday the last in Febrero

 

When I was a child, I remember walking through the slightly darkened halls of Knollwood Mall. This was before the mall was divided up, before Kohls and Cub, and 50 little stores that don't connect. Before the 90s depression killed it. Before the 2000s revived it into something new. This was also before the craft and card fairs in my memory. I don't even remember the true layout. I am sure the movie theater was still there. I am sure there was an Orange Julius and a Dairy Queen and a candy store. But what I remember was the pet store. The smell of that place. The bedding in the cages. The aquarium smell in the back. And I remember there were these brick steps that led up to a department store near it, though I couldn't tell you the name of the store, I know we were there a lot on those steps and in that pet store.  And I remember them playing late 70s and 80s music, because this was the 80s. I remember getting them stuck in my head, and feeling the first taste of that thought that some songs are just too powerful. That they can just take over your mind and suddenly you are singing them and you have no idea how you learned it. I remember walking through the mall totally unaware, just all in my head as this music played. This was before my parents were divorced. This was when my childhood was warm and the world was safe. And I was wandering the halls of Knollwood Mall lost in my mind. 

Last night at like 1 AM I was playing 70s and 80s songs on YouTube searching for some of those nostalgic songs. I don't remember them all. I can't tell you the names, or the lyrics, or which band... because I was so young that the music they played was just the environment, it wasn't separate, the intention of musicians... no, the world didn't work like that. People weren't people yet. They were just the universe, they were all in the hypnosis. 

As I was playing songs, I recognized one was Billy Joel's "The longest time"  1984. The year of my birth. I am sure that it was around 1988-1990 when I am remember these things. I couldn't have been under 4, but it was before my parents separated so not 91-92. The world was more conservative then. It seems to make sense that the mall would play music a few years old. I have no idea what some of the other songs are... but as I was listening to all these 70s and 80s songs last night, I realized there were a lot of 80s songs that I know really well even though I had no idea who the musicians were. Almost all the pop and love songs. Maybe from movie soundtracks and stuff too. 

Anyway... that was a little nostalgia. Music is amazing. It's funny how the character in Guardians of the Galaxy is all jazzed and crazy about his tape mix of those kinds of songs. It makes sense. Thats exactly what this nostalgia thing is... and probably some of the same exact songs.  

Another song I liked was Heart's "Crazy on You" but I don't think it was from that mall. Just a good song. 

I remember Pete's brother had a mix of 80s songs that had some really good stuff on it, and initially I was opposed to it because I was so into 90s music that it felt like I had to defend it or something... but those were some good songs. I wish I had that now...

This weekend. 

Went for some walks this weekend. Watched a lot of other people playing AOE 2 on YouTube... felt a little like a few years ago when I would sit in bed with M sleeping next to me.  I didn't do much else, a little painting... Saw Katie and my Dad. 

My Dad is getting cochlear surgery in a few days. I am hopeful for him, and a little scared. As he said today, it's the kind of thing that if you were just like "hey we're going right now." it would be easier than waiting all this time.  He's had hearing issues since before I was born, so this is pretty big. In the last year they said he was basically down to 5/15 % of hearing in his ears. But the surgery does have some risks. Plus covid. They will turn it on in a month. 

For my uncle, and a few other people I know who have had it, it was pretty life changing. I am hoping he doesn't throw it away by working with loud machinery after -because I am pretty sure this lawn care business he started is why his hearing got so much worse so quick. 

I am getting my second dose of the vaccine next weekend. This week is gonna be exhausting. I am gonna try to stay caught up with all my work and figure out some good routines... but it feels like a lot of stuff time crunching all at once. Students back to full time in person. New electronic health records that lock us out after 24 hours if our stuff isn't in. Lots of random treatment planning and stuff to do. Plus staffing issues...   I dunno. I gotta not take work personally as if it is who I am. 

I need to find other things to make life feel like it is more than work. All my tarot readers have been telling me things will change... but how?

Also I keep telling myself to cut back on sugar and then I buy more and more candy and junk food. 

I guess I didn't have anything revelatory to write about tonight. Life feels like something could change right now... like its just around the bend, and at the same time, like nothing will ever change. Its a weird feeling. Its weird to have passion about stuff but not have any desire to follow through. Thats been a few years... 

Cant sleep

 Having one of those anxious overthinking nights.

Started writing this on Facebook, I don’t even know why. 

Cant sleep, so here is one of the thoughts I’ve been pondering a lot lately - educators, parents and business owners (amongst others) might have some thoughts?   

Has the pandemic finally made it clear how the education system as an institution has completely lost a functional trajectory? an agreed upon societal mandate? 

We have used school for various functions and argued based on certain idealistic premises that it must continue as is, but it seems to me that many of these premises have gone out the window - and the pandemic has simply made it obvious. 

-Job preparation? For what jobs...

-Citizenship/civilian prep? For what society...

-critical thinking? Laughable 

-personal development? Ridiculous 

-socialization? Clearly not prioritized

It feels pretty clear at this point that we have fallen back on the actual function of the education system, which is a holding cell/baby sitting, and a way of dividing to reinforce the inequalities that already exist. Oh and also so that the rich can continue to make that money...   but ummmm solutions?

I know that we are sold on a divided nation. And it certainly feels that way. Maybe our failures have derived from agreeing to the pittance we agree upon, or the back and forth of competing ideals, or dreams and expectations without follow through. But I kind of wonder what people actually want from society. 

Arguably we could say this about all of our institutional pillars today. But maybe the solution finding starts with something like -what is your present day lived experience with (institution) and what functions would you like it to perform? 

————

I’m seeing cracks everywhere at my work, and it is feeling like I am failing even though I know I am doing what I can and what I should. 

The last few weeks we have been trying to switch ove to a new electronic health record system and it is slow to figure out and slow to work, and we’ve spent too much time doing that, and now I feel like I’ve lost my grip on my clients. 

Staff members are leaving or considering leaving. Other staff aren’t trained or are overworked and drained. We need to hire at least 2 maybe 3 new people. 

Oh   The teaching side can’t get their shit together and no one is on the same page. Next week we go back to full day in person learning. It will be my first time seeing the “real day treatment” since my 2 days prior to covid. Everyone is freaking out. 

Students aren’t taking responsibility for their own stuff. 

Their parents don’t follow through. 

Society is falling apart, and we have to tell them to focus on what they can control. Not just because it’s the only thing that will keep them sane, but also because we don’t trust they can have an impact on anything else. 

Where are the adults?   The kids want someone to save them. They want a hero. 

There is no one coming to save us. We have to do it ourselves. 

truths known and unknown

 

So much thinking, and what for?

    Ediya reminds us that meditation doesn't happen in the mind, it happens in the body. The body at rest, at peace, at present, without the mind to pull it astray. (but I was never for my body)

    The part of me that doesn't understand, gets angry. I am furious at the inattentiveness, the purposeful ignoring, neglect by leaders, those who lead people astray, betray their better interests. (and they'll be returned to power by the ones they've indoctrinated)

    And what are our better interests? That part of me that asks, it says will they learn from this lesson if they don't suffer through it? (and they'll suffer either way)

    And that other part of me that rushes in to give tools, to share the collected knowledge, what else am I good for? (The disillusion of my ego, another neglect, another shoving down)

    And that anger again, for the lack of foresight, for the ignorance that despises actual knowledge and insight, that dismisses the longterm betterment for short term gain, the immaturity of selfishness. 

   And really what is known at all? Is there any point to any of it, to living through, to growing, to learning,  the gathered relegating what is to another instance of... well that is. 

This weekend I went for three walks. One alone. One with my Dad. One with Rachel. Otherwise I pretty much stayed at home, bored, lonely, wishing for something compelling. I had goals: get groceries (check), do laundry (nope), exercise (check), see people (check), paint (I didn't do the project I had planned, but I watercolored, write (not really), read (not really), do something that made me feel alive and worth living? 

I dunno. Sometimes I fear I've lost the flavor of life. Like I get little tastes here and there, like a proper breeze will blow the scent into me, but it only makes me long for the next place over. Last weekend and a little during the week, I tried to meditate, to just sit with it all. But I am bored and lonely, and when I am not working, my life feels very purposeless. I could slip away and not be noticed. 

This feeling makes me want to make something. Be creative. But I find myself sitting still. Reclining. Passively watching, even when given the opportunity. My mind says don't reach out. Don't follow through. My mind is the worst... it gets in the way of so many things. Could I have accomplished all of my goals and more this weekend? Oh yes. But I chose not to. 

It's funny how I worry I am missing out. But then don't change. I fantasize about a potion, that will unlock the next step. About the smile that will unlock my heart. About the offer that will lead to the next adventure. All of these are simply choices. I stay locked up... Locked in my old ways. Believing somehow I can save the next generation the pain of growth?  

Sometimes I worry I've done it all wrong. but would I change anything? well, when given the chance in each breath, in each moment... I don't choose to. 

So functionally this must be serving me. I must be satisfied, content. 

I must be grateful for what I have... even if it is complaints. Maybe I like playing the prisoner? 

4 dreams?

 

1) A friend.  

I wouldn't say we were ravenous, not passionate, just fumbling. Our heads looking at our feet like middle schoolers as we undressed, and then redressed. It was dark in the room, intentionally. It wasn't a secret, but there was a desire to share intimacies, just not too much intimacy. Not soulful connection, not the merging of hearts, or even genitals. We held each other closely, pressing as if the hug itself would heal us, fully clothed - the embrace last only a moment, and then I pulled her on to the bed firmly pressing myself to her. Under blankets. Companionship with a hint of lust. There was movement, but it wasn't lovemaking, just subtlety, as if the act were uncouth. I wanted her near me, but not as a partner, just a pastime, and not because she isn't lovely, or worthy of love, but because we don't love each other like that. 

2) The dark:

The light began to dim, it felt too early for it to be so dark. The dead of winter, but with no moon light, no street light, nothing to give shape to the setting. We began in the kitchen. I don't know who she was, at first, clearly an ally. She was fidgeting with the light in the center of the ceiling. She asked me to turn on a few lamps in the living room, anything to make it a little easier to get the work done, but as I moved, the darkness increased, I'd turn on a light, and a half dozen others would go dark, 1 step forward and infinitely back, I began to race around the room, trying to locate light switches and lamp switches, my hands ran into cob webs in the dim, and I had that familiar irrational thought about spiders crawling over my skin. I went back into the kitchen, it seemed darker than before, and I raced to the other hallway, reaching for lights just beyond the doorway, beginning to be afraid by what lurked behind me. That feeling as you rush up the stairs from the basement. Except when I turned around, she had gone down the steps into the dark. Now she was calling for me. Calling for help. Not panicked, but not entirely calm. I braced myself for the darkness for the creepy crawly cobwebs, for the strange things jutting out in all corners, as what little light there was cast demonic shadows everywhere. I walked from room to room, all filled with the stuff that threatened to stab. The calling out for me continued, but I couldn't tell from where. At the far end of the room, against the gray cement block wall, was a pile of rubbish. Instinctually I ran to it, worrying it would be too late, and as I removed the trash, a child's back appeared. Face down, I removed as much trash as I could. He was breathing, but there was no movement. I couldn't see his face. He seemed stuck, comatose, and I peered over to another pile and knew I needed to dig someone out of there quickly. This time it was a baby, again face down. The same unnatural silence, stillness. The calling for help got worse. It came from the next room over. I left the baby and the child, and ran into the room where I found two wardrobes tipped over, their contents of hundreds of clothes spilled out. I feared she had been crushed. I pulled the stuff and the clothes from her, but suddenly she disappeared. The room felt haunted. Felt like each thing could strike at any moment. Like it could consume me whole. What is happening I asked myself, as things shifted from place to place. What is happening. I looked over to the wall, and saw a black figure, like the woman covered in black garbage bags slinking through the items in the corner. She looked like she was stalking around the room, like a demon caught in the light. I had nothing but fear, but couldn't look away and eventually since there was nothing else to do I moved forward, tried to pin her to the wall, tried to tear and pull at the plastic darkness, but her form melted like sand into the pile of stuff. What is happening! I began to say and then shout over and over, afraid for my life, but more for my sanity. What is happening. -I woke up in a sweat, terrified. 

3) Her family:

It was weird from the beginning. It didn't make sense, felt like a trap, but one I was prepared for. They were sitting in the stands of a gym sporting event, like a kid's basketball game. I don't know if her mother was there, but her Dad was, and both her sisters, and probably their boyfriends. It felt so strange. They were all there at once. A family event. She said she wanted to invite me because she knew it wouldn't happen again any time soon. So I went, and rather than be anxious, I felt like I had nothing to lose. And then it felt even weirder, because rather than the snark and sarcasm and drama that they always had, it seemed they were all on the best behavior. Like they were trying to impress me, like they wanted me there. I replied to her sisters with snark and charm, I made jokes, and in replying always made sure to have a double meaning. Always a point that says, "yeah, I can play your game, but I see right through you." But her Dad?  I think I was just myself with him. I was confident, and smart, and he welcomed me. And her? She pulled me next to her. I loved the warmth of sitting by her side. Loved the smiles she gave, the reassurances, felt like "Holy shit if this is how you had let it be!"  but no, I looked at her back warily every time. She pulled me close, and I would say "Yeah, we still have a lot to talk about." I wouldn't let her charm me off the hook. But I loved that she wanted me present again, and I loved that I felt like I could take it or leave it, and either way I was confident and proud of myself. Like I had won.

4) Wine:

It was the shorted of the dreams. I was walking through what must have been target (because where else do I shop) but it felt like costco, with huge shelves full of boxes... And she passed by me without saying anything. And then we both turned, to see what the other would do, but she kept walking, where as I stood still.  "M" I shouted her name, coldly. She turned again "Hi." she mumbled weakly. I said Hi back. She looked down at what she was buying, almost ashamed, a single bottle of wine, nothing else. She looked like she had wanted to hide from me, like she was an alcoholic about to lose their sobriety. I understood. She continued on her way. And I was left thinking, it didn't have to be this way. 

Saturday

11:34 

It's a Saturday and I have nothing to do.  I cut my hair and shaved.The only other projects I have are painting, reading and writing. I could watch some movies. I could watch some YouTube (I am). I could reach out to some folks. Might talk to a coworker. 

I am watching videos about relationships and energy. Probably not the best idea, because it puts me in the past. Makes me question myself and others. But I guess, I am wanting to move forward in life, but not sure what that looks like (Same as every other blog I have written). 

I was thinking about the advice I gave a student yesterday. We were talking about his armored persona and the story he has told himself about who he is. And how, to heal, he needs to take off the armor and start to enjoy his innocence and vulnerability.  

How often is the thing we need, the thing we are avoiding at all costs?

There are of course reasons he put on the armor, but it is now costing him more than it helped.

So I guess I am wondering, what defenses I have used that are now keeping me from healing rather than protecting me. This is a big issue with my energy. I have to protect myself because I am constantly feeling drained by giving. (I know energy is universal and abundant, but I don't manage it well, and I need people who give energy or respect/support my reenergizing rather than drain it). 

One of the difficulties I have is that this feels more like passivity, retreat, avoidance, if I am not careful. It comes off as Mike being inactive, when it is a proactive choice (sometimes) to hold space for myself. How do I hold on to Mike as ambitious and building, rather than as lazy and defeated? 

I don't know. I think I am struggling because it's always been a bit of both hasn't it?

a dream

Last night I went to bed around midnight after finishing a book, I awoke an hour later after having a dream or nightmare. 

In the dream, people were fighting, and hiding. It was an action moving, until suddenly it was more. 

The last thing I remember before waking up, was the feeling of being crept up on. The fear that I would soon be surrounded by something I couldn't escape. A message repeated in my head, as if they were telling me something. I don't remember the words, but it was something along the lines of "we're coming" or "we'll get you soon." I woke up startled, still feeling surrounded. It felt like they were just above and behind my head, to my sides. I prayed for protection. 

I was open eyed, and in the vision of my room, which was lighter than it should have been, each shadow had a weird scribble of dark blue, a navy like tornado scribble that moved, as a script of equations flashed over it. The equations looked like writing, like paragraphs, but they moved continually, flashing before me and then changing and shifting seemingly endlessly. I could not read the equations. 

They appeared like filler lines, with glowing shapes, that would flash bigger and brighter as your eyes passed over them. Always the same colors, but the lines did not repeat. The other symbols I couldn't register, there may have been dozens, but only the dashes and spaces and shapes registered. 

- - - -▲ - - - - - ▪ - - - - - -  ● - - - -  ▪

▪ - - -   - - - ▪ - - -  ●  - - - -\

> - - - -  ▲ - - - - -   ●   --  - - -   ●  

I watched the script flash before me for several minutes, watched the navy blue behind it. I wondered what this message was?  Wondered what it could possibly mean, and why it felt so universal when I had never seen it before. Nothing like this seemed familiar, but it also wasn't out of the ordinary. These flashing colors and shapes, these are common place. Is this what the brain does when it wakes from a dream suddenly I wondered, are these the cones and rods of my eyes adjusting from sleep, or is this something more. When the fear settled through my body, the script gradually disappeared. I reached for my phone, I'd been asleep for an hour though it had felt like a lifetime. I tried to look up similar things. But google doesn't do a great job of reading your mind. I can't find anything closely related. Why the scribbled navy blue behind it? Why the feeling of being surrounded. Why the urgency. Why did it feel like the matrix? 

Finding nothing, I prayed again, and meditated briefly on protective factors. On the blueprint shape. On clarity. 

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I am not working again today. There is part of me that is eager to return to work and feel caught up. To feel like I am part of something. To push paper and feel productive. That wonders if I am missed, and wonders whether others are missing out because I am not present. A part of me that wonders if I should be using this time to get caught up, to get ahead. * And then there is part of me that wonders if I should quit my job, because it isn't real. Nothing matters all that much, and it is an illusion I grasp to and lose myself in -week after week.  

It's a weird feeling. Like nothing matters. A disconnection that feels more real than the pull, but without the strength or urgency of it. Hard to explain. It doesn't feel like gravity, it feels like the air you're breathing before you think too hard about it. 

I could just not... not pressure and push, myself and others. 

I could let things unfold, the way they always will. Cycles upon cycles. Rise and fall.

And then, some other part of me cringes, some part of me wants to shout. Some part of me wants to scream and force change by my will. That part of me is saying quit your job because you can't do enough. That part says, if you don't do something now, your life won't have been worth it. 

In the shower today I started singing "One song glory" Roger's song about wanting to create something important that would outlast him (see Hamilton?). It is a familiar sentiment that I have shared since I was very young (Maybe I am a type 4 on the enneagram after all?) 

Maybe I am just consumed with the idea of legacy as I think about how I want to spend the next portion of my life. It occurred to me last night that my mother is retiring and considering many of the same things. She has made a slight joke out of the fact that were she to have a retirement party, she couldn't invite the majority of the people she has worked with (clients). That at the end of this profession, you don't share the story with the folks you worked with. You provided a service, they moved on with their lives and didn't know your story. 

A tarot reader I have been watching, kept using the example of "creating a YouTube channel" as a means of discussing new ventures. It's funny, I haven't had any desire to do so in awhile, but I just watched a video about rising sea levels and thought, at least this person is doing something. I also just watched John Green's video about YouTube channels...  

It occurs to me in these examples, that at least in my life as a teacher I could document and gather some of the things I was learning. Where as now, it feels like I cannot share things in the same way. Or maybe, it just shows me that I need to get to work and actually do the things I have been thinking would be beneficial in my work. Making the curriculum, the packets or workbooks, the posters, shifting the group/classes towards self sufficiency -What will you do without Mike? Can you still run things... yes. 

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But would that be enough?  Would I need to start my workshops? Would I need to write my books?

Would I need to start a YouTube channel and blogs...  What would I do...

I dunno.  I haven't even started. What is sustainable. What matters. 

and back to the dream... if they are coming, what do I need to learn or share before my time is through?

accomplishments

 

At some point last night I became feverish. I lay in bed, hour after hour, totally aware of each muscle, not necessarily in pain, but too aware to drift to sleep. The temperature changed, cold and tingly, warm and disagreeable. I found myself taking advil at 2 AMish. I woke up at my normal work time and felt good. Felt awake and comfortable. But we have this policy we tell the kids of don't come in unless its been 24 hours since your last symptoms. So I took half the day off and went to the training in the afternoon virtually. I did laundry, I took out the garbage, I did the dishes and cleaned parts of my apartment. I felt great until about 2pm, when suddenly I felt achy and feverish again. I was sweating, and then 20 minutes later I had to put a bathrobe on over my layers of clothes. I wasn't hungry, but made myself eat. I have noticed that food is helpful even when I am not hungry. I texted my boss telling her I'd need to stay home tomorrow too. I don't know if it is actually sickness. My body is probably just creating antibodies as the vaccine is supposed to. It makes me nervous about the next round, as they say the second dose has more side effects. 

At some point last night when I couldn't sleep and just waited...

I started thinking about the fact that I am still so stuck on my own loneliness. In some ways, I compare myself to others and I am always left wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have a partner?

Why is it that M was so quick to get away, and yet, presumably has created a new life easy enough with this new dude?  Why was I so easy to replace? really everyone I have ever dated had a new partner within months. 

Or in less personal terms, why is it that so many people I know have been partnered for so long... making it work despite the heartaches, how is that those people found something worth fighting for, but I haven't?  And then I think about the situations in which I gave up... or the situations in which the other did... and I know I wouldn't have been happy, know that it wasn't a situation that would have gotten better. But I am still left complaining.    And then I think about how long it has been in-between loves. How I spent 8 years between Alexis and Jesse, and even though I had a serious crush on lacey I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I think about all the crushes, and how easy it was to recognize they weren't worth the effort, that appreciating them as friends or from a distance was enough. How few people really catch my eye in that way... so few, and even less over time. 

I always thought the more I worked towards healing myself, the more open I would be... but the truth is that I have become even less open to the world. More mindful. More voyeuristic. I sit and listen to my coworkers without contributing for long moments. I do not seek out new people. I am becoming more a hermit each day. 

What karma brought this on? -I questioned in and own of bouts of fever. In a past life was I so blissfully companioned that I wanted the opposite?  Was I so abusive towards my partner that I didn't deserve one this time around?   What is this?   Or perhaps, just the circumstances as life is. I am not in community. I have no group. My social sphere is scattered across regions, and my professional role requires distance. Or is it my lack of social skills? I have no chat up lines, no shallow inquiries. I want to know your heart, or none of you. 

But then I consider, in my state of weariness, perhaps I've accomplished what I came to... What are my accomplishments I ask myself.

I contributed to hundreds of people's lives, mostly for the better. I taught, I counseled, I organized, and role modeled. Sure, I ghosted sometimes (karma has bitten me back). I have learned a great deal, and struggled to put it into practice. I have reflected more than I should. I have created and offered. I have traveled. I have connected. I have spent time alone and with companions. I have adventured. I have sulked. More concretely, I feel like I've done a lot with my life... I am not sure what I have to show for it, but it happened more or less how I planned. I am a person full of shame, and also full of pride. I have loved my life, and it feels sad to me that I can't share that with someone. And so in the middle of the night, I wondered if maybe I need to start planning for the next phases, irregardless of my desire for a partner, life will continue. I can't just sulk. 

And really, I have been wondering about this a lot lately in my little moments of gloom. Really, what purpose am I serving right now? I give counsel to handful of youth and their families. I make a tiny dent. It feels manageable. I am not sure I want to take on more in this field. I am not sure if I want a caseload of 20 or 30. I am not sure I want the life my mother created, with workshops on the weekends, and 4 days a week of back to back clients. It's not that it isn't meaningful, it surely is. But at the same time, there is no end. There will always be swarms more, and that's kind of depressing in some light. The work is not accomplished. I suppose that is the truth of humanity as well though, no?

Maybe I am just realizing my place in the wheel. Like a farmer, I can till and plant, and weed and harvest, ceaselessly. If I don't learn to take satisfaction in what I have, then I better get more ambitious again. 

I recently asked a coworker what she would do after this job. She didn't know. I don't know either. I feel it is a good fit for a time, and I have no desire to leave... I am certainly not feeling burned out like at the last job. But my supervisor is right that I will get bored. I will start to see the cycle, and the pressures of keeping up with the daily tasks, won't be fulfilling enough to motivate me alone. I will need something else. 

I thought that something else was going to be parenting. I am still angry and grieving that. Sometimes I wonder why I am so ridiculously furious with M, it is really funny to me when I catch it. Like I am yelling internally, like I have made her a mastermind villain who robbed me of my dreams. It's a drama. It's silly. The real story is more like I 500 days of summer-ed myself, but the drama reveals some of the underlying grief. 

When I took on social work and therapy, initially I just told myself it would aid me in the large life purpose. I am a healer, a teacher, a peacemaker. And these are a set of tools to be understood. Now I am wondering if there is more to learn, or whether I just need to continue practicing towards mastery... but I am 37 and lonely. I am childless. I am in a job that I could do forever, but won't. I have things I want to share with the world, but I am not doing them. At some point, I will need to move forward, or the world will offer me a tower card

and I just keep waiting for it to fall

brain fog and an achy arm

 I want to read and write today, but my mind is a little off topic. It doesn't seem to grasp when I reach. Or maybe it does, but I don't see the connection going through, have lost confidence in its ability to ensnare the prize.

My left arm aches because I received the first dose of the moderna vaccine yesterday. It was 10 minutes, and a 15 minute wait period. For a few seconds I felt my heart beat increase, for a minute my lungs were slightly more compact. But nothing serious at all. Difficult to sleep. That's been the biggest issue. Can't sleep on my left side with an arm that is screaming. But I've had similar experiences with other vaccines. One time I got 3 shots in one arm and 2 in the other. That was an achy night. 

They say this one is 94% effective, but they are also still running all the studies. It's not an approved vaccine. I didn't realize that. It's been shown to be effective and brought to the market, but the FDA hasn't actually approved it. It feels weird to be a medical experiment. 

It is subzero outside, and my apartment is dry and cold. It might be giving me a headache. I should probably bust out the humidifier. 

I basically planned to be home all weekend anyway, unsure if the vaccine would take me out. I want a nap.   This last week was really odd. There were numerous days where I felt like something was wrong with me, like maybe I was sick. (Maybe I have covid?) It left me with a really strong lack of motivation and very little follow through. I haven't felt social. I've been wanting to sleep, read and write. But writing has felt beyond my reach. I want to curl into a ball and not exist for a month, but I am not depressed in the mood sense. Just out of it. 

At the beginning of the week I watched these horoscope videos, and everything in my universe seemed to be saying things will change soon. That something new was just around the corner. Maybe it is. But half way through the week I was sick of waiting. It felt too drawn out. If I have to wait a decade then tell me so I can hibernate instead of getting my hopes up, kind of thing. And maybe the lady who reached out to me on bumble means something. Or maybe I am drawing new energy toward me. Or maybe someone from my past will reach out. Or maybe I am just going in circles in my head. 

It feels like the circles. Hope and disappointment. 

What changes now that I am vaccinated? not much. 

Yesterday I was watching something or reading something and they mentioned doing a daily journal prompt. I kind of liked that idea, something to get back in the habit of writing, while being offered new directions to consider. I am so stuck in my own narratives. 

The first one I found was from a Teal Swan video about saving your energy,  "Write about the things you love about yourself, that you would never want to change" the idea being that these are non-negotiables when you enter relationships with others. 

What are the parts of me that I never want to change:

I like being the kind of person who makes efforts to understand, to see other perspectives, who communicates across those divides. I like being curious about the world, even today I spent a half an hour on google maps while I learned about the history of Luxembourg and why? Because why not?

I like having a spiritual leaning, I don't ever want to become someone so cynical that I can't see the value in faith... 

I am not sure this is the right exercise for me. There are so many things I have cut from my life, because they didn't matter to me. The ones that have stayed, will stay. The ones that felt necessary for sensory reasons or anxieties, those I'll keep working on... 

I've been thinking a lot about the missed opportunities I have had. How I met a lot of cool people in Grad School and didn't take them up on the offer of friendship because I felt too drained. How I didn't reach out after. Some of them I am not even Facebook friends with. I am not sure if it was my anxiety or my recognition that it is really hard to keep up with people... Maybe it was smart of me AND I missed an opportunity. I think at the time, and still, I do these weird cost/benefit assessments of talking with people. I am not sure they are accurate. More often than not, I assume the costs will far outweighs the benefits.  What if I had been on an anti anxiety med in grad school? or when I was with M. Would things have been altogether different today? If that is true, what is keeping me from taking a medication so that my future feels more accessible? 

Maybe my mentality is mucking up my social life. 

I guess I didn't have as much to say as I hoped. 

When I was in bed last night, I thought, tomorrow you should just dwell on poetic thoughts all day...

That hasn't happened at all.