trade offs

I really like remembering my dreams. One of the reasons I like to sleep in is because I tend to remember more of them, be more aware when I am having them etc. But over the last few years it feels like when I sleep in, I almost always get headaches, and feel out of it most of the day. I struggle to multitask, I can't think and listen to music at the same time, I can't focus as easily, ya know.  So today was one of those days. 

I got my second dose of Moderna vaccine today, and went for a walk. My mood got worse as I walked, and I started arguing with M in my head, almost just to have something to think about. Eventually I turned my music off and prayed a bit as I walked, but I definitely felt off. I broke plans with Illy, and took a nap. I ate a bunch of dairy free ice cream, and vegged. James and Maddy called. It was nice to see the niece. 

I don't know if I will have serious side effects this time. My arm is starting to feel sore, but mostly I am just aware of my melancholy. But if I think about it, this actually started Thursday. 

On Thursday after work I was really grateful and proud. I felt like I was blessed with this opportunity to be part of all these teens lives and see the wonderful things they are doing. I started thinking about how grateful I am for things in my life, and considered my relationships. 

No, I am not happy with the quantity or quality of my relationships lately, and a little sad that I broke plans with Illy... Im a little worried I am having social anxiety to a much stronger degree than a few years ago... but whatever... I was grateful Thursday.  One of the things that really hit me was the relief of my dad getting his surgery. The relief of knowing that he would continue to be part of our lives and not slink away into his isolation. Presumably the cochlear surgery will be life changing. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but a few years ago he was scared of doing it, and there was a great relief in just knowing that he chose to. I have a lot of family members who are very stubborn (myself included), and our fears are rationalized into these decisions that hurt us. It's been sort of awful these last few years noticing my dad was losing his hearing significantly, no longer wanting to be out in public, unable to participate in group discussions etc., but presumably, or at least hopefully, that will change. There will be a time of adjustment, but they predicted he could regain up to 50% of his hearing, which would mean he could hear his grandkids and his kids and his wife, and his friends again... it would mean that if he takes care of himself he'd add a decade to his life, and be more happy all the while. 

The fear that I rationalize things (and that I don't let people who care about me argue me out of these stubborn positions). I've been trying to think critically about myself and how much of my life is lived in this stubborn narrow framework. I am not sure if its because I know myself and like these things, or because I am afraid of everything else. 

When I was with M, things felt more possible. When we broke up, I returned to my old habits even stronger. Not that I wasn't doing the same stuff, but with a partner I was willing to step out a bit more. 

A student told me this week that she hopes I am less regulated when I am around my friends and significant others. She said it was hard to trust me or get to know me. I get a lot of that from the kids, because I intentionally don't talk about myself (therapy is about them, after all). But this last year I haven't had much of a self outside of work... 

I dunno. I guess I often feel like I am this one set of things this box of traits that people appreciate -a good listener, a thoughtful person, a good problem solver, someone that can be relied on for big things... and all my other stuff is saved for me or is used to keep that side afloat.  

That dream last night about the poetry book, it was like I was trying to tell people I am more than just the one thing, desperate for them to see I had value outside my work. To prove to the critics...

I meet a lot of clients who experience this too, suddenly they realize they are in a role, and they aren't sure if they even like it.

When I moved to South America I had that for weeks, I wasn't a teacher, what was I? why was I worth talking to?  Thats sort of my life...  and I am not sure what people are like outside that. When I am in a good mood, I can see each person as complex, potential and history, possibility and functions, traits and ego, soul and heartache... you know, each person is a masterpiece. But when I am not in a good mood, I feel like everyone is the same. People don't really stand out too much. Thats part of why I don't have many crushes.  And its hard for me to imagine how anyone would see me as anything other than my caretaking traits, since that is all I let people see these days. 

M saw me in my job. She saw how I was eager to support her. And then when she had to deal with the me underneath she didn't find it all that attractive.  But of all the people I've loved, that's pretty much been the same way we met. Caretaker Mike.  Jesse might have been a little different because we met while traveling, but for years after, she would reach out to me for advice or to complain about stuff. She needed to vent, I was always there to listen. 

I guess it is because I love this side of myself and put all my energy into it, that I can't be surprised that people don't appreciate the rest. But chicken or egg right? Did I put all my effort into being a healer because it was rewarded?  When I see brilliant artists, musicians, writers, etc, I get jealous. I get a little envious of people with other gifts, but they put all their time and effort into that... and I put mine into being able to read and understand people and listen. And I am good at it. It's natural, but I have put thousands of hours into being better at it. I am still learning, but I've never had anyone be like "Mike you suck at this job" or even "mike you need some significant improvements." other than in paperwork and boundaries which I understood (due to anxiety and burnout). 

So now I am good at being a therapist and sometimes good at teaching... and people don't really want to date a therapist, especially when that therapist is also super picky, and weird, lives like a monk, is critical of everything, and has kinks that make the average person gag. Or at least that's what it feels like. 

I was thinking about how KT liked me for my poetry first. Never anything romantic between us, but it always felt cool to be appreciated for something else first. I've experienced that very few times in my life. Most people have met me through education/therapy/helping. 

I really wanted to try on a new set of skills, a new role. I am still hurting over the idea that I am not a father. I mean, I've been a surrogate father figure for like hundreds of teenagers at this point, but I don't have any kids to experience the full picture. I don't have the challenges to my own ego. I don't have the push/pull to expand myself for them, to attend sports games I have no interest in, or learn about their passions, or play dolls or  just whatever to show them they are loved. I don't have the kiddo waking me from my dreams.  I don't have the kiddo waking me from my irritability -the chance to practice forcing myself into gratitude. 

I am 37. There is a pandemic. I have lost most of my community. Neglected my friends. I have no relationship. I am good at my job, but have no reason to pursue forward except my own frustration and boredom.  Money wise, I am fine. The only thing of my own that is significant to me is my writing, and I have not pursued it, because it is mine alone and I don't have the motivation to push myself. 

Sometimes I think about quitting this job. This job I am really enjoying, just to force myself to be a writer. I think I would have to downsize in a lot of ways. Maybe start living in a van or something. Move away. I fear I would regret giving up the longterm stability, the same way it sometimes irks me to think that despite being really good at my job, I am still a beginner in the field. Some folks are at my same professional level despite being 25...  second career woes. Giving stuff up to travel woes.

My my parents are all at retirement age. They are in this place where in a traditional culture they would be revered for their wisdom, but instead, in all cases but my Mom, they are being pushed aside to make way for younger or different. They are each finding ways to tackle that challenge. But it's weird to me to feel like I am setting myself up for the same future. Would I want my mom's role?  Will I adjust and move into something else? How will I adapt?

I watched a short video last night that was sort of the math/science version of the same old religious ideas. This sort of thing always make me roll my eyes, how western thoughts reinforce the wisdom of thousands of years of eastern cultures, but have to rebrand it and call it their own. We are so Colombian... colonialists, imperialists, teenagers... 

But anyway, the video was about reframing the universe as points of consciousness combining in various forms, and argued that each living thing sees these forms in the ways that best propagate their species. So a cat's universe and our universe might look nothing alike, as each is just connecting various consciousnesses and adapting them for their own needs. Maybe plants and food and the sky looking nothing like what they look like to you or I. 

None of this is all that different from the idea that consciousness is bigger than us, and we see it from our perspective (as all eastern and most mystic, and indigenous perspectives would say), and that symbols are not universal, but that once they are established as symbolic they create connections, eg language and how it shapes the universe, rather than simply describing the universe. 

again eye roll that this is obviously not new, except the guy said they can prove it with maths now. 

but how does that apply to the stubborn boundaries I am putting on myself? 

Well, the one thing the guy said that felt new, but which also makes sense and is described in most religions, is that species that see things accurately go extinct, and that those who view things inaccurately tend to flourish (IE garden of eden, burning bush, Arjuna and Krishna). We flourish when we see possibilities, when we use our imagination, when we call forth out of the ether new things that don't exist in the limits. The more we know ourselves as limited, the closer we are to death. The more we see ourselves as unlimited, the more we feel potential for growth. 

I see myself as limited. I set boundaries and stick stubbornly to my narrows, I cling to my stories, present the simplest versions of myself, hiding the possibility the limitless potential. And this is how I kill myself. By saying things aren't possible because reality is too... real. Scarcity is too true. Loss of hope is an accurate projection... shutting down all to the point of death.  And for me, I could be a new mike in any moment, open my life up, become expansive. But I don't and so I will die. 

Maybe?  I dunno. Interesting concept though.