When I was a child, I remember walking through the slightly darkened halls of Knollwood Mall. This was before the mall was divided up, before Kohls and Cub, and 50 little stores that don't connect. Before the 90s depression killed it. Before the 2000s revived it into something new. This was also before the craft and card fairs in my memory. I don't even remember the true layout. I am sure the movie theater was still there. I am sure there was an Orange Julius and a Dairy Queen and a candy store. But what I remember was the pet store. The smell of that place. The bedding in the cages. The aquarium smell in the back. And I remember there were these brick steps that led up to a department store near it, though I couldn't tell you the name of the store, I know we were there a lot on those steps and in that pet store. And I remember them playing late 70s and 80s music, because this was the 80s. I remember getting them stuck in my head, and feeling the first taste of that thought that some songs are just too powerful. That they can just take over your mind and suddenly you are singing them and you have no idea how you learned it. I remember walking through the mall totally unaware, just all in my head as this music played. This was before my parents were divorced. This was when my childhood was warm and the world was safe. And I was wandering the halls of Knollwood Mall lost in my mind.
Last night at like 1 AM I was playing 70s and 80s songs on YouTube searching for some of those nostalgic songs. I don't remember them all. I can't tell you the names, or the lyrics, or which band... because I was so young that the music they played was just the environment, it wasn't separate, the intention of musicians... no, the world didn't work like that. People weren't people yet. They were just the universe, they were all in the hypnosis.
As I was playing songs, I recognized one was Billy Joel's "The longest time" 1984. The year of my birth. I am sure that it was around 1988-1990 when I am remember these things. I couldn't have been under 4, but it was before my parents separated so not 91-92. The world was more conservative then. It seems to make sense that the mall would play music a few years old. I have no idea what some of the other songs are... but as I was listening to all these 70s and 80s songs last night, I realized there were a lot of 80s songs that I know really well even though I had no idea who the musicians were. Almost all the pop and love songs. Maybe from movie soundtracks and stuff too.
Anyway... that was a little nostalgia. Music is amazing. It's funny how the character in Guardians of the Galaxy is all jazzed and crazy about his tape mix of those kinds of songs. It makes sense. Thats exactly what this nostalgia thing is... and probably some of the same exact songs.
Another song I liked was Heart's "Crazy on You" but I don't think it was from that mall. Just a good song.
I remember Pete's brother had a mix of 80s songs that had some really good stuff on it, and initially I was opposed to it because I was so into 90s music that it felt like I had to defend it or something... but those were some good songs. I wish I had that now...
This weekend.
Went for some walks this weekend. Watched a lot of other people playing AOE 2 on YouTube... felt a little like a few years ago when I would sit in bed with M sleeping next to me. I didn't do much else, a little painting... Saw Katie and my Dad.
My Dad is getting cochlear surgery in a few days. I am hopeful for him, and a little scared. As he said today, it's the kind of thing that if you were just like "hey we're going right now." it would be easier than waiting all this time. He's had hearing issues since before I was born, so this is pretty big. In the last year they said he was basically down to 5/15 % of hearing in his ears. But the surgery does have some risks. Plus covid. They will turn it on in a month.
For my uncle, and a few other people I know who have had it, it was pretty life changing. I am hoping he doesn't throw it away by working with loud machinery after -because I am pretty sure this lawn care business he started is why his hearing got so much worse so quick.
I am getting my second dose of the vaccine next weekend. This week is gonna be exhausting. I am gonna try to stay caught up with all my work and figure out some good routines... but it feels like a lot of stuff time crunching all at once. Students back to full time in person. New electronic health records that lock us out after 24 hours if our stuff isn't in. Lots of random treatment planning and stuff to do. Plus staffing issues... I dunno. I gotta not take work personally as if it is who I am.
I need to find other things to make life feel like it is more than work. All my tarot readers have been telling me things will change... but how?
Also I keep telling myself to cut back on sugar and then I buy more and more candy and junk food.
I guess I didn't have anything revelatory to write about tonight. Life feels like something could change right now... like its just around the bend, and at the same time, like nothing will ever change. Its a weird feeling. Its weird to have passion about stuff but not have any desire to follow through. Thats been a few years...
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