From this morning Spyhouse on Hennepin, 10/31/26

1) I am journaling because I’d like to settle down and get to writing creatively at some point.

Just went for an 8 am walk with my Dad because he has 8 lawns to mow and is worried about money. 8 am, but he showed up at 8:15. We walked around the lake. He asked me about my mental health, I said it was fine, but hard to trust or predict or make assumptions about the future. He asked, hard to trust me, or things in general or the world? I said yes.

He said he was worrying about how to move forward with the holidays coming up, said maybe he’d been spending too much time on the lawns or the grandkids, or worrying about money and hadn’t spent enough investing in figuring things out (or at least implied this before trailing off…) I said I was thinking about it too.

I asked him where my step mom was at. He said, basically that she though he should push back a little on the bullet points, and that she felt I was the one who started it… and that we should be able to have differences of opinion. There was another point, but I forgot. I said, I wasn’t defensive before starting this, but I am now because that was exactly where she was, and where I pushed back earlier this year. (So nothing has changed with her. And they are expecting me to do all the work. She gets to play victim, rather than take responsibility -didn’t say this out loud because I’ve already said it multiple times.)

He said basically that he wasn’t good at conveying her points for her and that I should. I said, I’m always the one who has to cross that bridge. He said only a few times. I said dozens, you just didn’t know or remember. I asked him why he consoles her and then comes to me and asks me to apologize, he said I can only think of that happening twice. I said, it happens all the time. And asked him why he doesn’t tell her to fight her own battles. And pointed out that when I asked her to write a letter to clarify her positions 6 months ago he told me I should be the one to do it. (Which again, I have been).

He said that she has a different opinion, perspective and that should be ok. I said her opinion hurts me, so its ok for me to not have a relationship with someone who hurts me.

If she can’t have empathy for my life or the things that impact me then we don’t have a relationship. Which is fine.

He said, its just politics or something. I said its not just politics, politics impacts my life and people I care about. The politics they are rooting for is destroying our country. I asked him what institutions or systems he actually believes in, and he couldn’t give me any. Said he was cynical of all of it. And I said yup and that means you look out for yourself because you can’t depend on anyone, so we don’t have a society anymore. He said something about -you think the democrats are gonna save things. I said theyre a last chance to make a correction because there is no conservative party, the democrats are basically conservatives, (not these words), and that they are fighting for basics, but yall treat them like they are extremists. Gave examples of school lunches, medical care, green energy, corruptions, prisons, jobs etc. Meanwhile the republicans are just being racist, grifting and comparing butts. Trump is threatening to Nuke Iran and no one in his party stops him, so it isn’t just politics its our lives. And basically we ended with out him saying anything but recognizing there was a gap (presumably) and probably him thinking about the lawns he needs to mow because his wife spends their money on shit he doesn’t care about and his daughter uses them for daycare because she can’t pay her own bills.

Overly simplified, their way of seeing the world warps my reality, and I can’t be around it. Overly simplified, my dad chooses her, and asks me to be the adult in the relationship while claiming its all about personal responsibility. My dad is working long days -probably because he wants to -while complaining about not having enough money because his wife and daughter spend all of it, but rather than asking them to take responsibility he puts his head down, or blames other people for his problems. No consistency. No accountability. No reality. All warped…



2) Went to Barebones Halloween show with a friend last night at Powderhorn. It was different than when it was at the river and I was struggling a bit with the changes. It seemed more open, more family friendly and a little less about a celebration of death and renewal. They had a vaguely political part where all the butterflies try to fight the centipede that stands for destruction. I think it makes sense that they needed to honor the experience of the moment, while also reminding people of larger cycles… I guess I was just aware of the differences. My friend, having never gone, was not so aware. I think she was glad to be a spectator, but it wasn’t personal or moving to her. I remember going with a different friend years ago and it feeling really deep and emotional, whereas this felt more like a show. I was trying to just let the experience be what it was… but there was a level of recognition that you have to go to things with the people who will get it, and maybe I don’t have that many people who get the things I am interested in (like creatively/spiritually). Not that the time was bad, I really enjoyed our discussion of all the worlds ills etc.. just noticing slight differences. Its kind of like that in life right? Never know who should be invited to what, what their experience will be, how do you not allow their experience to influence yours? Its not that I want everyone to have my experience, but with the things that feel sacred, I want to experience my awe, joy and delight.



3) I keep alternating between angry and sad with my dad and step mom. Desire to disconnect, desire to be seen. I think about how my dad was the go between, and how that probably has always made it worse. How when we had visits he would drive us to burger king and then drop us off. Where was the step mom investing in us -trying to build or repair a relationship that had been damaged by her actions? She was already in her own trauma space before we got upset or angry enough to say or do anything. She was already expecting him to step in and mediate, or expecting us to hide parts of ourselves to suit her. He said ‘she wonders why you always bring these things up when it upsets you (and her)? Why bring up life and society when someone could get upset? Shove it inside, pretend like its fine, hide, don’t be genuine about the things you care about - its upsetting to me (her voice). Yeah, then we don’t have a relationship.

It isn’t that she can’t be sweet, warm, welcoming. Its that she can only do that if it doesn’t impact her sense of security… so its not genuine, it’s a part she is playing, and expecting others to play.



4) I have been mostly feeling pretty good lately. Even now, I am not feeling off… just angry and hurt. But I am not going into my little kid self.

5) Yesterday in the energy work… I was so self conscious of about three things… A) being on my back and falling asleep and snoring, B) sleep apnea… I am pretty sure I stop breathing regularly. I think she interprets it as a place I got stuck energetically and that might also be true. Every time I found myself drifting, entering dream land or just not present to the moment I found I’d stop breathing naturally. C) There was some level of just physically being held… like a little kid… like I would hold a kid, lovingly, gentle, no bad intentions… and it made me miss being held. When was the last time I was held? And at one point when I complained that I was feeling so relaxed I might fall asleep and she said go ahead… I was suddenly flooded with all these memories of times when I have held someone as they fell asleep, comforted someone when they woke up to a violent memory/dream… how much love I felt for them, how much concern… how I just wanted to take away all that pain from their bodies and let them trust that I cared, would protect them. I think only one of my exes didn’t wake up to nightmares kicking… and it made me miss loving… and also made me wonder why I’ve never been told by someone else its ok, I’ll protect you when you sleep, when you have nightmares, when you’re afraid with all those thoughts you can’t stop… I’ll just hold you. She pressed on a bunch of places just above my heart, and each one ached… even though she wasn’t pressing very hard. They were just stuck spots of so much pain and love, and holding… and I started crying again thinking about how resistant to being loved I have felt… and I missed E. But I also wondered at what point it switched from feeling like she was loving towards me to she thought I was the enemy… and the same with all of them… that at some point I wasn’t the one they loved even if they said they did. And I had to protect myself instead of holding them… because if I held them they’d kick harder.

I walked out of feeling lighter, more open to love, but also just really sad about lost love.

Its been about an hour. I should probably read or do some creative writing.

6) A bit later… I keep thinking about… well if my Dad doesn’t trust or believe or hope in a future that is better. If he can only trust in himself and his family… then why would we trust his leadership? … further, if he says he trusts in us, invests in us, but then spends all his time working landscaping jobs to keep himself busy and have enough cash on the side… (which we have talked about for years means he isn’t investing in us)… is this just another example of him being stuck? He hasn’t graduated into wisdom… hasn’t stepped up into taking on a different role, still clinging to a form of productivity and providing… rather than supporting in other ways. Maybe this is also the legacy of hearing loss. “what good am I? ---I’ll show it with my work.”




I basically spent the day in bed. I stopped at chipotle and the bank, and the grocery store. Did my spanish. Stayed in bed, napped, woke up around 6:30. Now for some reason I am making ribs which takes 3 hours... so I'll try to be creative. I talked to my mom for awhile sitting in my car at the grocery store. When I got in the door I just felt kind of defeated, like whats the point.

I was considering going to Rocky Horror tonight... but dont really want to be around people.

Longing for Aeyla (From Martin Prechtel)

(He basically tells the story of falling in love for the first time (13 -crush) on a girl he saw in the distance, and in the absence of knowing anything about her, fantasized a perfect being, a divine counterpart. Not a human. Not an actual partner to love. But a stand in for the divine, the perfection we all crave and are driven by. He makes the argument that this kind of longing should be encouraged and shifted toward an understanding of the divine, by wise elders who intervene (not to discourage) but keep them separate, help them imagine and grow in their longing for a deeper divine, and express it in creativity and spirituality and renewal of the community and the relationship to the divine (and also not let them actually become partners unless they are initiated past this stage of their development).

He acknowledges that in modern culture we rob kids of both of these things, distract them with pop culture and consumerism, so that instead of glowing and expressing their love/grief longing for the divine, they are sucked into shallowness. And that a different form of squashing might also just be to dismiss the puppylove, the romantic in haste, appeal to logic or certainty… or a third way to destroy the spirit would be to let the lovers burn out, and be appalled when they realize neither is divine, and neither is really fully human yet either… (adolescents).

But that the longing for the divine should be nourished and encouraged… oh. Simplicity was never caught, sometimes I hope she’ll never be.

I worry I’ve forgotten how to seek the spark of the divine in my actual life, that instead I cultivate it when I am working… or staring at strangers but not seeking in new people or relationships. Maybe that’s what I keep ‘waiting for’ some spark of the divine… maybe that’s the wrong way to seek love. Maybe love is a business transaction.

Who is Aeyla?  (which is apparently pronounced like eye-la) whereas I’d find it more divine to say A-la.

nostalgia

 

It's funny how the waves come and go. You know. They say it has to do with the moon. Yet question how the planetary alignment at the time of one's birth could exude any kind of influence on the you, you'd become. You've become you. Funny, and true?

Its a Thursday night. I've seen 20 clients this week, I suppose a couple were couples... so more like 22 so far. Had a new client today. Have three old clients tomorrow. 

I didn't go to trivia on Tuesday because I was tired. 

I didn't go to open mic tonight because I wasn't motivated. 

I started a book I'd been looking forward to last weekend, and haven't gotten through the second chapter. 

I was hoping to have a crush on someone new... I think they might be a lesbian. 

I've been chatting with an ex who is pregnant, and wondering if another ex is pregnant. 

Someone came up on my instagram feed as suggested, and I thought they'd blocked me... but maybe I looked them up too many times and it is just giving me a taste I wasn't sure I really wanted. The idea of someone not hating me is so lifegiving. 

I want to be the companion to someone else's drama, instead of my own. I want to have something to live for. 

I feel so grateful and appreciative of all the wondrous people and places and things I've done...so many pleasant, warming memories. But I spend my nights glued to a phone, and don't always return people's texts. 

Tomorrow I see the energy worker again, followed by dinner and a puppet show in a park. 

Saturday? Maybe Rocky Horror if I feel up for it. Sunday, maybe a walk with my Dad.

I have to figure out Thanksgiving. I have to figure out if I have a place in my family, or even want one. 

I want to run away... Its not that I don't love my life, I just could imagine a better one... and I am not sure how to bridge the divide between my wants and my realities. 

The tarot cards keep spitting out that its near. How many years...

Slow weekend

 I felt like I had a lot going on this weekend, but ultimately it ended up feeling slow and kind of forgettable. 

On Friday I had a thc beverage, kind of knocked me out and then I woke up at like midnight and didn’t get back to bed till 4. Saturday went to a quick visibility demonstration on lake and Chicago, lots of honking, lots of nice people. Grabbed groceries. Went to see a movie. This morning had book club with Morris folks for the first time, wasn’t sure what to share. Felt fun though. Then I had a massage booked but I forgot my wallet. Paid the cancellation fee. Did some reading finished a DA. This week has 25 booked but last week I had at least one cancellation each day. 

Friday gonna go see barebones at powderhorn. Saturday maybe rocky horror at Grandview? Sunday maybe a walk?

I dunno. I keep wondering how anything would change. 

I feel like I either have to make a decision to live differently, or join something routinely, or let the world change around me, or just keep going and be dissatisfied. Would I want to spend the rest of my life this way? Not really. But what am I willing to do about that? I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe run away to India or south east Asia…. But the world is getting more dangerous, climate change alone is making things feel so unpredictable. Riots and protests all over Europe and South America. 

Maybe in a few weeks we will have a new government… but until I join a commune or run away, I’m not sure what to do… 

I feel like I am open… but am I? Today I ended up having like 8 hours and chose to sit around my house. Took a nap. Didn’t really want to interact with anyone. 

Maybe it’s cuz I have a busy week ahead. Maybe I’m just full of complaints. 

longing

 Just missing loving someone, having partnership. 

Reclaim the light

 

I woke up late today. Felt unprepared for my first session. Found myself doing the thing that I was complaining about in the last post (the therapist/speakers sharing their own stuff). 

Felt weird about it, but reminded myself I am not responsible for others, that things are not up to me, and that sometimes I am just a cog in the universal machine.

Later it occurred to me that this is what it feels like when I am looking for the adult. I am waiting for someone to be the guide... because I feel young. I want someone to help me through the experience, or tell me what to do. I want to trust in the adults around me, but instead of just seeing them as they are, I have this expectation that they be better... that I be better. And that if they can't be, then I cannot trust them and need to pull away. 

Last session was difficult. People wrestling with their core wounds, lashing out, defensive, reactive, desiring nothing more than to be told they are ok, loveable, good, capable, but instead wounding one another and reinforcing the wounds in themselves. 

-I am overly reminded of all my relationships.  My mom says she would stop them, ask them how they get back to their vulnerable self, to make it safe again in the room. It's hard for me to say, actually mom I think they are being honest in the room because they are being so dishonest outside of it.

Last night, I had this weird anxiety dream. It was something like my office, or home, and there were people around and everyone was talking about a mistake I had made. It might have been a tragic mistake even. The people -who were all my friends and family, were talking about it, kind of, not talking to me, not talking about me necessarily. To some extent, I felt like a ghost in their presence. In some ways it actually felt like that -that I was attending the gathering in my space after the tragedy. So I wasn't part of the conversation or defending myself to them, though I may have been internally. Instead, I just noticed that every surface of the space was covered in this deep dust... inches thick, like the volcano had gone off... like there were years of neglect that had led to this. It wasn't described by others, it was like everyone could see it, but no one would name it. Like "duh." But no one was talking about what could have caused me to neglect this space that I should have been able to keep up, no one was acknowledging their role in it either. 

When I woke up, I just had these images of the dust, almost like decaying skin, decaying flesh. The inevitable accumulation of time and neglect. There was a tragedy unnamed. It didn't have to be this way. Not that decay isn't inevitable, but that this was supposed to be a life giving space, and it was let go of... where was the attention and energy turned to?  Where was the support that would have imposed a different way? Why didn't anyone know?

My mom shared a video with me, an interview with Parker Palmer. They are talking about depression, regret, social cruelty. He shares his poem (Harrowing) in which the narrator talks about pulling up the weeds "Looking for the roots of what went wrong" and plowing the fields every year "to unearth last year's reasons..."  and realizing that this process is actually scarring, painful, not helpful... acceptance of what is, and letting things grow is ultimately the healing/growth etc. "The farmer plows to plant a greening season."  (as opposed to what he'd been doing which is just scarring the land).

Do I just focus on what is wrong all the time, rather than plowing to plant a greening season? 

Or am I trying to keep things from going to dust, so I stir them up because no one else will?

Sunday night and the feelings meh

 

I spent most of the weekend in a training. The training is about supporting people in resourcing their self when experiencing dissociation, and it is hilarious to me how much of the time in the training I feel like dissociating. Part of that is because I am bored. Part of that is because there are things going on in my mind, and when I am not in a clear role and don't have a lot to do, I internalize. So I might spend an hour waking up and being irritable, and then an hour or two being a good engaged student, and then another hour being restless and struggling with whatever is happening internally. Or trying not to be reactive to whatever is happening externally. 

15 hours is a long time to be in a situation in which stuff is taught like its brand new (because it is for some). For me, so much of this training and the way I already work with people is already present, that it just feels like someone reinforcing you... hour after hour. And there is this desire not to bring up questions that might get the trainers off track telling stories, and this desire to not ask a question that is too leading or too early (oh we'll get to that in week three). So I just kind of sit there getting restless.

The part that is the most helpful is the small groups. But I have two fairly likeminded people in my small group and everyone brings good stuff. They are both queer trans identifying and 10-15 years younger than me, so its a weird thing where I am going through my trauma/ocd stuff but also the oldest... and I am very knowledgeable, but they are super knowledgeable about their roles and training... so it ends up being an excellent 30 minutes or whatever, but then we are back to 4-5 more hours. 

I felt like the trainers were struggling more this weekend with their own desire to be seen and hear. One of them's voice kept quivering on and off and she seemed like she was going through some stuff. The other kept barging in and giving long examples. At one point they both were telling stories of people they have worked with who have had serious trauma, and it felt a little like they were doing the thing that they were teaching against, falling into the trauma/problem oriented stuff because they were still wrestling with the suffering of others. Not to blame them, but it just felt like -oooh that's why you are teaching this...  And I suppose I've done the same a million times... but it felt weird that they were carving out time for their own stuff rather than making more room for the students to process their own stuff... I guess. The whole weekend seemed to be that they were telling people there isn't a right way, we have some guiding principles... and then not necessarily being able to follow their own principles at times. 

When I first started taking the training a month ago, I was considering whether I could get trained up to teach it. I know the information... seems easy enough to just jump in and present it from a different paradigm. To some extent that idea was holding me through the boredom. But I think this weekend reinforced that these people won't be my saviors or mentors either. They are just people. They don't have a magical way forward. 

Today introduced two things that I've thought about before, but were explicitly important for me today.

1) Just the general idea of -if you were free and not living out of your programming right now, how would you think/respond/act etc. 

2) When facing things, try to consider a third option so you don't automatically go into dual thinking, good bad, right wrong. 

Since Friday's little episode, I've been struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do with these ways my mind still works. I laughed out loud this morning when I checked the stove before leaving even though it isn't a gas stove and also that has never been a compulsion of mine (except in the moment). It just seemed hilarious that I was doing one of the stereotypical OCD things without even meaning to. But today in the training I was trying to sus out and argue in my head whether I should label something trauma or OCD, and one of my small group members who is currently getting trained in the ERP (exposure and response prevention) the gold standard for OCD treatment was able to name a bunch of things that I was just like -yeah that see that is what I am dealing with!  but my therapist had said something last week that made it seem like she just saw it a trauma response.  But I am like... uh its both?

The thing about the episode on friday is that I am actually dealing with something that I don't talk about with people -that I did really do. I did something bad, and its been weighing on me for decades, and it reinforces this belief that I had already been experiencing and that was driving me nuts, and I am just trying to figure out if I can go on living without naming and taking responsibility for these behaviors or if I need to work through them and take responsibility -even if there are consequences in order to be free of the larger set of circumstances... does that make sense?  

Its kind of like:

I thought A already proved B(bad), but I was mistaken. Then I did C which does indicate B, so B felt even more confirmed. Then I found out A wasn't real, but I'd already done C. So can I let go of B? 

Prior to C, I had already committed myself to D which would indicate notB. But when I realized C and B I doubled down... it was like DD but that ended up hurting me. And now I am trying to tell myself you don't need to be DD and A doesn't equal B, but C is still impacting -so you maybe have to take responsibility for C and deal with the consequences if that means B.

The problem is that A still comes up and tells me B... like Friday. So it kind of feels like I am just adding consequences to the misery fire.  

So like... what would it mean to feel free? 

I am tempted to do a big brainstorm on paper, or write a letter, or something. 

I keep playing out conversations in my head with my therapist, wondering if I can trust her in being capable of holding compassion, and non judgement towards me -knowing well enough that I will be judging myself through the whole thing.  I think about how I approach clients who have shared difficult times of compulsive behavior or moral injury -actions they have taken that they feel awful about and that go against their morals. I trust them. I believe they are sorry. I don't need to question them...

Part of what A did so long ago, is that it convinced me there is no space for that in my life and that I needed to hide who I was in order to not be perceived as B. This is the part my therapist would say was based in trauma, even if the reinforcement mechanism was OCD.  She'd say you learned to present yourself one way so that you could stay in relationship, because you were afraid you wouldn't get your needs met otherwise. 

The thing that is hard about that is that A become a series of things that she doesn't necessarily believe in -meaning like religious beliefs and compulsions... so when I say these things, her programming is already judgy towards it. Not me, but it. So I have to hold space for my truth -which is that it was important to me, even if it wasn't helpful all the time...  because it still is. 

Anyway... my therapist holds a lot of compassion for me... but I don't fully trust her. So I keep having convos with her in my head trying to prove, trying to test, trying to figure out how I can tell her -to not be judged. Because if I am judged... I am not sure I know how to recover.

So I saw both parents this weekend. 

I walked the lake with my dad and we mostly talked about non personal things. 

My brother apparently had to go to urgent care or the ER thinking he was poisoned or something, but is on antibiotics and expected to get better. My Dad says he has a skin condition that can sometimes indicate liver disease or cancer, but doesn't really want to do a colonoscopy.  -part of me wonders if he is more sick because we have been fighting (when I went to Europe the first time he lost like 30 lbs). 

I went to a crappy solidarity protest no kings thing yesterday. I've been annoyed that there isn't more active resistance going on. But I think people are basically feeling like MN is on the same page and going to vote in all the Dems and then everything will go back to normal... which is stupid. 

I did a lot of distracting/avoiding. I didn't clean the carpet. Didn't clean the windows or the mirrors. Didn't read. Barely journaled. Didn't do anything creative. Took a nap from 4:30-8 today. 

I am mostly prepared for the week -which doesn't look too hard. I have this dental surgery thing on Thursday that I am not looking forward to. 

A number of things this coming weekend, hoping to get some books in the mail for the book club next Sunday. 

Time goes by and things mostly stay the same.

I keep wondering how stuff could change if I don't invest or try new things, while also feeling (lately) very avoidant of investing or trying new things. 

Magical thinking, waiting for someone to pluck me. 

Bad brain

 So I tell my friend I want to go to Costco because I need to buy rice and pasta. She says she wants to go sometime. I ask if she wants to go today to the SLP one, she says she doesn’t like the SLP one ( no one does) and asks if I want to go to the business center and the business center does have some of the things I want but I went there last time so I actually need the stuff at the SLP one. So I say sorry I’m going to that one. But then when I am there I don’t buy rice and pasta (which was not even the things they only had at SLP, I bought frozen food!) but then because I didn’t buy rice and pasta my brain told me I was a liar and a bad person. And then I started playing out convos in my head about wanting to confess this, but then I felt like that would be manipulative so I’d be a bad person, and I went through like three loops of this for 15 minutes and then some mom threatened to slap her kid in front of me, and I didn’t say anything, because this mom was going through Costco with 5 kids and was clearly frustrated with them. But I was crying about it all of a sudden. And I didn’t want to make it worse. But then I thought I’m a social worker and a mandated reporter so I am supposed to respond to these things better than I did, so that makes me a bad person, so now I’m crying even more in Costco going though the aisles for 20 minutes cuz I can’t stop my mind from telling me stupid shit, and I can’t even focus on what I am supposed to get. And then I’m stuck in traffic and I can’t turn it off and I can’t focus and I’m crying in my car. And I get home. And I confesss on Instagram but then a friend says “I’m sorry that’s happening” or something , and I feel stupid and manipulative and then it starts again while I’m trying to fold laundry and I just want to hide under a blanket and die. 

And I know it didn’t start there today. It started earlier. But this is what my brain did for so many years and I’m just really sad that it’s happening again. Cuz I thought I was better. And now I feel stupid. And like a failure or something cuz I can’t stop except when I distract myself or dissociate or working, and it makes sense why I’m spending soooo many hours on my phone lately… but I don’t want to think. I don’t want to think like this. It’s so stupid and it just loops and loops and loops and it’s been hours already. And I’m worried I won’t be able to sleep. And it’s stupid. 

What I woke up thinking

 I want to run away again. I don’t want to keep toiling through a life that isn’t even that great. Why stay? Why play out this role?  Who does it help for me to be this way? What if I were just free?  I want to be like the way I thought I could be when I went to Europe the first time. Just a chill guy going from place to place… that is not at all what happened of course. I got even more anxious and rigid about things. Lost weight, had panic attacks, felt insane talking to myself all day every day. Scribble scribble scribble. My friend showed me the postcards I gave her at that time, we remarked at my tiny handwriting, I saw the familiar signs of feeling I had been too much and that I was appreciative -re: unworthy of her friendship.  I haven’t felt this crazy in so many years but even though it was interesting to see it also reminded me of how it actually felt. 

But I want to run away again. I don’t want live with this constant worry that I am doing something wrong all the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough. I want to join a cult, I don’t want all these responsibilities to myself and strangers. 

And then again, would I ever go work for a clinic again? No. Would I want to work for a school or university where they didn’t allow us to push back or address the changes that actually needed to happen? No. Would I want to become an organizer and feel righteous but exhausted… no. Would I want to join an organized religion in which I had to maintain the status quo, while preaching for change? No.   So what am I really saying? I want a vacation? 

I should plan my trip to Mexico for next year?

At the same time, I feel like I’m not really being truthful in my life. We are in this wild period of transformation and no one is talking about it, or dreaming the new thing into being… no one around me anyway. I’ve walked away from the things that connected me. I hear people’s secrets now… and keep them secret. 

Everything feels unnatural. What are we even doing?

There is this therapist online I’ve been following who is saying it, a little bit like every man, as if he is the one who figured it out, but he is also being truthful… about what needs to change.  

I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost goals. 

This morning I was thinking how nice it was those weekends where I was checking out 5-6 open houses, as if there was something to look forward to. I was excited, I was daydreaming I was exploring and going places. I had a goal even if it wasn’t truly my goal- glad people eventually called me out on that. 

I haven’t really had a goal except to keep up. Keep up with work. Keep up with bills and maintaining an apartment. Where is my life headed?  

Inner child work and trauma work… work work… bullshit. I go to protests not because I feel they work, but because I want to at least acknowledge that something needs to shift.  But me???? Am I able to shift my life my direction my goals?  For awhile I was exercising and playing guitar, for a while writing… now I’m just scrolling all the time.  

Im waiting for something to inspire me into the next thing. But maybe I just need to say duck it, I’m going to India or Cambodia or something. 

I dunno how I feel

 On the one hand, I’m trying to stay focused. I’ve got shit to do this week. I’m an adult, I needed to make dinner and do the dishes and take out the garbage.

On the other hand, I tried to explain to my dad that there has been this inner world I’ve been having that he wasn’t aware of -that I didn’t feel safe sharing with him because he wasnt attuned to it. Because I didn’t trust him because of things he had done and things that had happened. And while I was sharing these things I experienced all the feelings and thoughts that I have hidden from him and chose not to contain it. 

I told him I wanted to throw up. I told him I was dissociating. I told him I was afraid of people. I told him I needed space because I couldn’t settle. I told him the thoughts went from “I made a mistake” to “I’m a horrible person, unforgivable, unable to have a relationship, ruined all my chances” and that that occurs in seconds and if I don’t do anything it can last for days. I told him it used to result in a belief that I was going to hell.  

I told him I have ocd, and maybe some trauma too. 

I told him I didn’t know if I was sexually abused, I still don’t know, I just know that I feel unsafe sometimes. He confirmed that I had been physically abused and that I was bullied. 

I told him he triggered these experiences I have that are distressing and make me feel like I’m a kid again -and that in the last year I’ve felt more and more crazy every time it happens because I thought I was doing better, had forgiven myself and him, and now I feel like a kid and I’m scared and don’t know what to do. 

I told him that I’ve seen and experienced things that he hasn’t and that it makes it hard because I don’t know what he is aware of… and so it’s hard to understand why he isn’t getting it. (Eg torture cells and concentration camps and what ethnic cleansing looks like as it develops). As well as the conditions people are fleeing when they come the US for asylum. 

And when it was over - And I went home feeling like I had been way too vulnerable… because I didn’t want to fall into replaying the convo 5 millions times I distracted myself and did some work. And cried a bunch anyway. And I don’t want to go into the spirals because that makes it worse. But I also don’t want to dwell on my own vulnerability, or my hurt or my anger… but he confirmed things that felt very congruent with how I’d been feeling… confirmed that he sees these things as differences of opinion even though I experienced them as harmful. Confirmed that he didn’t “know” about how immigrants were being treated even though I told him. And that he only recently considered it cuz he watch a program a week ago from Chris cuomo who said it. Confirmed that he never really figured out why thousands of masked armed militia were sent to terrorize us. Even though I asked him months ago to figure it out when I left shaking in fight or flight from his home. He didn’t look it up, and hadn’t really considered it. 

And now I’m worried I’ll be spiraling again because it’s bed time and that’s when it gets the loudest. 

glug

 

It is Saturday, October 10, 2026. I am at the Loon Coffee shop over on lake. Its about 12:40ish. Went for a walk, and it zapped the life from me. I spent the first part of the walk thinking about the cycles of life, of culture, of nature, of transformation. I spent the next part thinking about how best to serve a client, and what advocacy means.

I spent the last 20 minutes on social media. Not sure what I am thinking or how I want to approach things. The woman in front of me looks nothing like A, but her haircut reminds me exactly of the time she cut it real short, the slight flair out.

My little brother texted our brothers chat that a stock he bought 5 years ago was taking off due to a medical trial being successful. The drug is a version of LSD meant to be used in a therapeutic context for GAD, MDD and PTSD. It looks very promising.

I am not sure how to spend my day. I had hoped to write the great novel or revise some poetry. I have work to do too, a letter and a DA. I have some reading to do. Maybe see a movie?  Its like 80 degrees out in October.

I had energy work yesterday. I need to practice, and do some breathing. I’ve got Spanish. I’ve got to get groceries and do 5-6 dishes. I saw a friend yesterday for an hour. It was nice to see her space even though she lives so far away.

The fear part of me is saying I am not enough, not doing enough, might let something slip or take the wrong step and ruin everything. It says I have cancer and its spreading. It says there is mold in my bathroom and I can’t clean it because its too powerful, and that means it is in me too.

Yesterday’s energy work and this morning’s tarot reminded me that by expanding and living into my values and beliefs about the universe, I am more protected and more alive. Whereas when I shrink or defend, I am more acutely aware of the loss, the fear, the lack, the imposition -reinforcing the wound. I am trying to be open to things, to the positives the universe has to offer. Yesterday everything felt aligned. Today I feel jittery and off again, and its probably the coffee or the lack of structure, or the dozens of people I’ve been thinking about today. Some uncertainty, causes me to lose myself, rather than notice and let go. My shoulders are raised.

Dad says lets talk, maybe tomorrow evening? There is a vigil tonight, a protest in the parking lot at target to tell them to stop supporting ICE. The secretary of defense wants to broadcast an execution. Healthy people are standing up against it. People are voting in record numbers. There will be a backlash a correction, but so much suffering in the meantime. And what do I want to do?

On Tuesday supposed to crash the student teacher conference to visit an old coworker friend. Just an excuse to see her new work site during a public time.

Kind of feel like I am not gonna accomplish anything here. Maybe its time to read, or go get lunch.

****

Went to get groceries after writing that, realized I was feeling somewhat sick -felt like I had overexerted myself in the heat and was gonna pass out or something. After making lunch I got into bed and laid there for a few hours -slowly getting a headache. Eventually took a nap and woke up at 8pm. Felt anxious like I had wasted the day, like I was behind, like I was a failure. Made dinner and did the dishes. Its close to 10 pm now. I keep getting weird spikes of headpain, but I am feeling better after eating. 

I made a little list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend and decided it seemed mostly reasonable to do tomorrow. I think this letter for my client is making me nervous. I guess I don't trust that he won't misuse it or something, and I am worried I will get dragged into drama. I need to be clear about my boundaries and my mission. 

Tomorrow massage at 11 am, hopefully I'll feel better by then. Some Spanish. Some reading. Maybe a walk or a talk with my dad. That one is also bringing up some nervousness I suppose.

Its not all that much really. Its just that I only have myself to rely on and I don't get a lot of reassurance for all the thoughts in my head. I think I need to do some meditating and maybe some more reading tonight. It's funny how easily swayed I am. 

The energy healer lady said "your ancestral line is kind of wavy, faint in some spots" I agree. I feel it, I am not rooted.

I keep watching stuff about OCD and ASD too, and I shake my head at how much I relate to certain things. I don't think I have autism, but I relate to a lot of it. Sensory issues, anxiety about being misunderstood etc. I've always said, its not that I don't get social cues, I get them too strongly. I am too aware of each little gesture, tone shift, etc. I guess its a thing for sensitive kiddos.  I was listening to a lot of the folks talk about PANDAS and POTS and EDS and all the overlapping conditions folks experience these days. I think I have an OCD neurotype, I think I am an empath/sensitive person, I think I have some childhood trauma stuff that I am still sorting out -more along the lines of unintentional emotional neglect, not abuse. 

But it is all in the past... what do I choose to experience now? What am I building? 

I dunno.  My old coworker is determined to start a craft school thing and rewild a golf course. I don't have any ambitions or goals anymore. Maybe its hard to move forward because my stuff feels so mundane... rebuild a social network, make new friends, maintain some level of balance between fun and work.  

That's the other thing that bums me out about this weekend. I wanted to do something creative, wanted to write my novel, wanted to edit and write poetry... none of that happened. My mind was distracted, headachy, I couldn't sit still and when I could I just wanted to moan and groan and fall asleep. 

I know a week or two ago I was lamenting the same... wanted to do a deep dive on my goals and dreams, wanted to create something beautiful... I am addicted to my phone. I balk when people text me. I want to go away for a year, but I am paying my bills and taxes to a government I detest. 

Gonna go do some reading and fall back to sleep. It wasn't a bad day, it just wasn't what I'd hoped it would be. I've maintained. 

open mic

Tonight someone at the open mic read a poem about bulimia and trying to get better, and relapsing, and having to start over again. It was a really good poem, and also really tough content. I started crying. At the break, I wrote her a note saying thank you for being brave. I didn't say why. I didn't say why I was crying. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, and if she asked, I didn't know if I'd be able to say anything without crying again. 

Because a writer friend of mine, lost her words and energy to the disorder... because when she was ready to start over, she had run out of time. Cuz some folks don't get better. 

I practiced words, then realized I didn't know what I wanted to say... thought about writing another poem, started crying again. Wondered why I was alive to share this story that is not mine when my friend is not. It isn't fair. I don't know what to say... I am too exhausted to write. Just felt like I needed to record this moment. 

It was mostly a good day. 5 clients, lots of youth. 

Tomorrow 3 clients and energy work, maybe stop at the bank on the way. 

I dunno...  Yesterday was tough cuz i had therapy at 8 am... then a full day. It was a good day... just long.

Saturday maybe talk to my Dad.

Sunday a massage and maybe buy some books for the Morris folks book club. 

Weird dream

 I just woke up to a kind of disturbing dream. 

Someone I love had announced that they were pregnant, but kind of slipped it in under their breath, so when I asked again they seemed to be doing that cute thing where you don’t fully share but add more, only each time I asked for clarification I heard more about their relationship and it felt disturbing rather than optimistic, like they had been manipulated into a relationship, rather than choosing it. And now they were pregnant, and the cute under the breath thing had become more like a “I’m having mixed feelings and don’t know what to do because I want this and I don’t want this…” or “I am embarrassed and don’t know how to ask for help but I’ve gotten in too deep.” Kind of thing. And that’s when I woke up, not able to confirm, not able to know, not able to reassure or help... and kind of mad at this person for being in this situation that I can’t do anything about.  I remember feeling this way in a few past situations… they made their choice, presumably it was the right one for them. But I was left feeling mixed emotions and helpless. 

Last night all these Hindu quotes and things were on my algorithm, one was about swadharma the idea of following your individual path, not being responsible for being good or right, but for following your path. 

Another was about nimitta matram about being an instrument in the larger orchestra of the universe but not being responsible for the song, only your part - as if to say you aren’t the conductor, maybe you don’t even like your role, but play it and trust that the universe is doing what it should.  

I gotta get up and go to work… why does something that should be positive feel so ominous? 

Ritual

 Reading a book about how essential ritual is to work through grief and other emotional/spiritual processes. I have a weird relationship with ritual. There are times like At May Day or bare bones when I love it. There are times when I have felt like I am trespassing, or outside the circle even when invited. I don’t really know how to get over my stuff, but there is a deep longing for something sacred to break through, and invite me into being witnessed, in being part of something. 

My roles have always been a reason to stay separate. I get annoyed talking about myself like this, but it feels real. I don’t feel like I belong, and never really have. So it’s hard…. I have a desire to create, lead, be part of something communal and sacred but I don’t know how to relate. I distance myself. I dunno…

Maybe I need drugs. 

Sickness

 

I am sick. It started Thursday and seems to come and go. I am on the quil. I just got back from a walk, for a few blocks I felt great, and by the time I got home I was ready for a nap. Maybe after this. 

It is a Saturday. No one has reached out. I don't have any major plans -though I had a desire to go to a protest at 3 downtown Minneapolis. Don't think I'll make it. In some ways this was the best weekend to get sick since I didn't have anything. 

I am reading a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow about grief. Its one of those books that you pick up, read some, and put down for a few days. I keep having a desire to read it, but when it is time I choose my phone and distraction instead. 

The reason I want to read it is really clear. Its speaking to my soul and my heart. At times my mind wanders when reading it, wanders to work and clients, wanders to old relationships, wanders to distraction... but my heart and my soul want this level of richness. 

In the premise of the book is basically that grief is a huge part of the soul/human journey and that we in our culture have basically pushed it away -and thereby banished whole parts of ourselves. It is a trauma in itself that we don't acknowledge grief very well. The author then breaks down the types of grief we experience (5 gates) and their entry way leads to a vast sorrow -that is natural and necessary to process in order to live more fully. He breaks it down as: 

1) Everything we love, we lose (grief of loss)

2) The places that have not known love (grief of exiled or shamed parts)

3) The sorrows of the world (societal and climate loss)

4) What we expected and did not receive (unmet needs / including those that should be natural to society)

5) Ancestral Grief (intergenerational trauma/grief).

The gates of 2,4,5 really struck me. I know 1 and 3 also hit me, but I think I am more frequently able to acknowledge and name these kinds of losses. When I watch the news, 3 hits me every time. When I think of the past, 1 hits me.... but naming shame as grief, naming unmet needs as grief... naming generational patterns and the impacts of generational trauma as grief is really helpful. 

Grief means there is a mix of emotions, rather than just trauma (fear and avoidance), grief says step into this... trauma says run.  

I am probably not able to do this right now... but just the idea of saying who would you be if you let shame go? If you acknowledged that your guilt/shame is actually a transmission from the past and you can honor it by healing, rather than feeling exiled?  That your loneliness and sorrow are not a personal defect, but rather the impacts of a society that has lost its way... and really mean these things. 

I am probably not in the headspace to be able to fully do that thinking/feeling right now. But I think this might be my next step. I think I need to imagine, to let go, to stop holding on to anchors that don't serve me. 

I was walking to subway and saw someone who had M's stature, and thought... man it would be really good to let go of my shame, guilt, hurt. To just say sorry and move forward without worrying.

Of course, the author of this book, who invites us into a new recognition and ritual, has also been accused of misusing his power...  There is a place of mistrust and anger and hurt and desire to exile...

Maybe I'll add to all of this when I wake up from my nap.

Rainy saturday

 I woke up late this morning, or rather I’d felt like sleeping in. When I woke up at 7 something the sky was blue and pink, but when I woke up later it was gray and rainy. 

Late mornings equal headaches and difficulty focusing. So I was determined to get some caffeine and get out of the apartment. 

By about 12:30 I’d done a few chores and decided I could get lunch and then get coffee and read and digest things. 

The chipotle was really unclean. The workers sat around rather than cleaning when they had a break. The coffee shop had new art in the walls that I wanted to spend time with, but it was packed and talkative. I started a new book on grief- and struggled to concentrate. I ate half a monkey bread - not great for my stomach but…

Prior to going to the coffee shop I’d felt really lonely, after I didn’t want to deal with people. I was only there for 30-40 minutes and had to get up and go. It may also have been the cold rain on my clothes and not enough layers. Or the headache. Or the fact that I feel like I need to read some texts from my dad but don’t want to, because I’m irritable already. 

On the way home I considered getting groceries just to have something productive to claim for the day before I give up. I decided not to. Maybe I’ll go out later and get some, but for now I’m in warm pjs and ready to take a nap. I’ll probably keep reading the book and it will knock me out. 

I feel lonely today even though I don’t want to be with people. I want to be with a person. 

Last night I drove to Hudson and my step grandparents bought me dinner, we played two different card games and they drove me around the town. It was actually really nice. I’d been nervous about it all week, and could easily see myself going back multiple times now. 

I’m an old person I guess. Perkins and card games. My idea of a good time. 

Grrr

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. I think over the last few days I’ve been feeling relatively good. Part of it has to do with speaking my mind to my dad. Part of it had to do with the weather change and having some sunlight. Some of it had to do with reading spiritual texts and watching more spiritual stuff to give me some perspective. A lot of my clients this week are also struggling and I think the training last week helped give me a little bit of distance which has been nice. 

My dad texted me back this morning. A few short paragraphs, not necessarily responding to everything I said. But acknowledging one thing, while also hinting to disagreements between us. The small half step felt so validating that I was crying on the floor again. And then I had to remind myself I couldn’t close the distance between us with him taking a half step. 

I had this memory of M doing that. Me spending days upset and going over things again and again wondering why she would treat me this way, then confronting her in some non aggressive way, only for her to often times admit something even worse that threw me off completely, and then she’d take a half step and I was so desperate for things to be ok, that I’d make leaps across the chasm to meet her there. 

Somehow I got onto the ocd algorithm on Instagram and it’s kind of killing me. As in, last week when I was anxious and trauma brain around my dad, a lot of my ocd symptoms came back… and now that people are reminding me, it feels like they never went away just got quiet or changed, and I’ve been living into these internal compulsions the whole time without realizing it. My little rituals and routines, my constant battles internally… they got smaller so it didn’t matter as much. Last week they got big again.

It’s really fucking painful to feel that scared and ashamed all the time. 

This week I feel more like the adult version of my OCD, last week I felt like my kid version or teen version. 

I dunno… I felt like writing something down instead of going over it in my head over and over preparing for therapy tomorrow. (This is another ocd thing I do- before during and after social interactions). 

Tired

 Sunday night. 

I'm kind of exhausted. Didn't get a weekend really because I've been in a training  (5.5 hours fri-sun). A peer in the class said "yeah, you basically have worked 7 days in a row and now you have to go back to work tomorrow. 

I have 5 clients tomorrow and a dentist appointment at 8 am. Not sure what I was thinking. The coming week is giving me anxiety already even though it doesn't seem so bad. A couple of clients who are normally online are coming in person. I have an intake on Thursday. 

I haven't fully prepared though. 

Also just kind of feeling off because I've been going in and out of trauma responses for the last week as I reconnect with my dad for the first time in several months. My tarot reader lady said that this week would be a major healing step, a turning of the page. Maybe. I dunno. I feel exhausted. 

The training was ok. I felt like I didn't really get any new information, but a difference in paradigm. I know a lot of people were saying the training was a lot because it felt like new information. To me it was a synthesis of other stuff I've read... and together during a small group, I acknowledged that to some extent the paradigm shift just feels like buddhism to me. It hadn't really clicked until that moment, but after saying it -it made a lot of sense. Don't follow people into their problems and despair, acknowledge that suffering is suffering and help them find ways to have compassion for their experience -EG lend the qualities of their adult (more enlightened self) to the wounds... Wrap up your baby and hold it. 

So... not entirely a new approach, they're just finding ways to share this paradigm through psychological treatment and calling them anchors. Easy enough.

I spent much of the weekend noticing my experience, noticing the methods of teaching, noticing my desire to participate or not participate. Noticing how I was struggling to connect socially. For the first time in a while it really hit me just how burnt out I feel. Not compassion fatigue, but definitely struggling to relate. 

It didn't help that the trainings started at 8 am in a dimly lit (think mood light) room while its raining. It felt like they were trying to keep us calm or something. Many people joked about nodding off.

So it wasn't really the information,  and not really the social stuff, but eventually during the once a day practice small groups I did connect with some folks. And it was nice, but it also felt a little like we could have just had consult groups for an hour and a hand out. I guess the training so far has reminded me of grad school -sitting in a room with a bunch of folks who haven't done their reading while the teacher goes over it. Not that the instructors are boring -they're great instructors. Which made it sort of fun to watch them -lots of breaking things down experientially, lots of stories, lots of visuals, lots of jokes and interactions. 

But beyond the biology of low light, and some irritability, I've also been processing trauma all week. I spent the last few days writing "bullet points" for my dad. I feel good about it, but I spent hours and hours trying to figure out how to name what I needed to name. He told me he'd respond (like I hear you) but hasn't yet.  I guess while writing it, I realized that I am more traumatized and more mentally shook up than I realized. So now I kind of feel like a wounded animal. 

On and off this week I felt all these old behaviors and thoughts come up, and it just took so much effort to tell myself I am ok. Literally last night when I had sent this list to my dad I felt like throwing up and just cried on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet. Earlier this week I was having these intrusive thoughts of cutting myself. Its shit like this that makes it hard. But I didn't do anything too bad... I did a lot of meditation, and visualization, and ritual, and prayer...  and it was effortful.

This afternoon I was watching insta reels from therapists talking about internal OCD and so much of it seemed like my daily way of keeping myself together... and part of me wondered if I've just been tricking myself into believing I am not as bad off as I thought. Like maybe I am just really good at pretending to be functional... meanwhile I am pushing everyone in my life away and internally just going through obsession/compulsion cycles and not even recognizing it. Like my little lists... like my little routines (which I couldn't do all of this weekend). Anyway... I feel very low and I am entering into a hard week. So that sucks. 

I feel like I was hoping that at this training I might meet someone or something... But I am so not open to that right now. The little tarot reading I heard was basically like  -you're finally free to be you and to connect with people you want to. And I am like... I want to hide from the world and not come out of my cave for a week. 

Gonna do some reading and go to bed. 

argh

 My dad's love is so inconsistent, it's incredibly confusing. 

Meh

My dad just reached out. He said he was disappointed he didn't hear from me on Father's day and "if this (no contact)" is the way I want to play this out.

I am not sure how to respond. A) because sometimes the way he communicates things seems to imply I am guilty of something if I don't make more effort. B) because I have been thinking about how to move forward and the best idea I've come up with recently is maybe we ask my aunt to mediate, because though I have been heard, I haven't been understood. 

Part of me wants to say, "do you know me?"    (as in... do you think the kid who went to your wedding with the woman who you cheated on his mom with, is the one who wants to go no contact?)

Part of me wants to say "no, it isn't, got any ideas?"  (as in... don't put this on me... you're the one who screwed up). 

Part of me wants to say, "fuck you" (as in... can you acknowledge that you're part of this?)

Part of me wants to ask him to go to therapy...   (as in... do you ever take responsibility?)

I was talking with my mom briefly yesterday and she said do you think his attachment wound is that he doesn't actually attach or connect, -and we clarified 'beyond when people need him?'   I said basically -well I've dealt with that too... I sure do love to feel needed.  I suppose he has some longer-term friends, and he is close to some of his siblings... but there is a desire to be needed in those relationships. 

When we go for walks, he listens... I am sure it makes him feel like he is contributing -and he was, greatly. I miss having him as a potential confidant, or someone to talk about big things with... but I've lost trust in him again. 

I want to say... "last time we had a serious chat about this, you told me it doesn't matter what I share, what I feel, what I tell you... it won't change the way you feel about it." Well... then what's the point of talking about anything?  I mean... intellectual curiosity?   I told you that you're basically saying the people who are hurting my, my community, my business, my future are fine by you... so I guess you don't really care about my feelings, my community, my business, my future.  Right?