Sunday night and the feelings meh

 

I spent most of the weekend in a training. The training is about supporting people in resourcing their self when experiencing dissociation, and it is hilarious to me how much of the time in the training I feel like dissociating. Part of that is because I am bored. Part of that is because there are things going on in my mind, and when I am not in a clear role and don't have a lot to do, I internalize. So I might spend an hour waking up and being irritable, and then an hour or two being a good engaged student, and then another hour being restless and struggling with whatever is happening internally. Or trying not to be reactive to whatever is happening externally. 

15 hours is a long time to be in a situation in which stuff is taught like its brand new (because it is for some). For me, so much of this training and the way I already work with people is already present, that it just feels like someone reinforcing you... hour after hour. And there is this desire not to bring up questions that might get the trainers off track telling stories, and this desire to not ask a question that is too leading or too early (oh we'll get to that in week three). So I just kind of sit there getting restless.

The part that is the most helpful is the small groups. But I have two fairly likeminded people in my small group and everyone brings good stuff. They are both queer trans identifying and 10-15 years younger than me, so its a weird thing where I am going through my trauma/ocd stuff but also the oldest... and I am very knowledgeable, but they are super knowledgeable about their roles and training... so it ends up being an excellent 30 minutes or whatever, but then we are back to 4-5 more hours. 

I felt like the trainers were struggling more this weekend with their own desire to be seen and hear. One of them's voice kept quivering on and off and she seemed like she was going through some stuff. The other kept barging in and giving long examples. At one point they both were telling stories of people they have worked with who have had serious trauma, and it felt a little like they were doing the thing that they were teaching against, falling into the trauma/problem oriented stuff because they were still wrestling with the suffering of others. Not to blame them, but it just felt like -oooh that's why you are teaching this...  And I suppose I've done the same a million times... but it felt weird that they were carving out time for their own stuff rather than making more room for the students to process their own stuff... I guess. The whole weekend seemed to be that they were telling people there isn't a right way, we have some guiding principles... and then not necessarily being able to follow their own principles at times. 

When I first started taking the training a month ago, I was considering whether I could get trained up to teach it. I know the information... seems easy enough to just jump in and present it from a different paradigm. To some extent that idea was holding me through the boredom. But I think this weekend reinforced that these people won't be my saviors or mentors either. They are just people. They don't have a magical way forward. 

Today introduced two things that I've thought about before, but were explicitly important for me today.

1) Just the general idea of -if you were free and not living out of your programming right now, how would you think/respond/act etc. 

2) When facing things, try to consider a third option so you don't automatically go into dual thinking, good bad, right wrong. 

Since Friday's little episode, I've been struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do with these ways my mind still works. I laughed out loud this morning when I checked the stove before leaving even though it isn't a gas stove and also that has never been a compulsion of mine (except in the moment). It just seemed hilarious that I was doing one of the stereotypical OCD things without even meaning to. But today in the training I was trying to sus out and argue in my head whether I should label something trauma or OCD, and one of my small group members who is currently getting trained in the ERP (exposure and response prevention) the gold standard for OCD treatment was able to name a bunch of things that I was just like -yeah that see that is what I am dealing with!  but my therapist had said something last week that made it seem like she just saw it a trauma response.  But I am like... uh its both?

The thing about the episode on friday is that I am actually dealing with something that I don't talk about with people -that I did really do. I did something bad, and its been weighing on me for decades, and it reinforces this belief that I had already been experiencing and that was driving me nuts, and I am just trying to figure out if I can go on living without naming and taking responsibility for these behaviors or if I need to work through them and take responsibility -even if there are consequences in order to be free of the larger set of circumstances... does that make sense?  

Its kind of like:

I thought A already proved B(bad), but I was mistaken. Then I did C which does indicate B, so B felt even more confirmed. Then I found out A wasn't real, but I'd already done C. So can I let go of B? 

Prior to C, I had already committed myself to D which would indicate notB. But when I realized C and B I doubled down... it was like DD but that ended up hurting me. And now I am trying to tell myself you don't need to be DD and A doesn't equal B, but C is still impacting -so you maybe have to take responsibility for C and deal with the consequences if that means B.

The problem is that A still comes up and tells me B... like Friday. So it kind of feels like I am just adding consequences to the misery fire.  

So like... what would it mean to feel free? 

I am tempted to do a big brainstorm on paper, or write a letter, or something. 

I keep playing out conversations in my head with my therapist, wondering if I can trust her in being capable of holding compassion, and non judgement towards me -knowing well enough that I will be judging myself through the whole thing.  I think about how I approach clients who have shared difficult times of compulsive behavior or moral injury -actions they have taken that they feel awful about and that go against their morals. I trust them. I believe they are sorry. I don't need to question them...

Part of what A did so long ago, is that it convinced me there is no space for that in my life and that I needed to hide who I was in order to not be perceived as B. This is the part my therapist would say was based in trauma, even if the reinforcement mechanism was OCD.  She'd say you learned to present yourself one way so that you could stay in relationship, because you were afraid you wouldn't get your needs met otherwise. 

The thing that is hard about that is that A become a series of things that she doesn't necessarily believe in -meaning like religious beliefs and compulsions... so when I say these things, her programming is already judgy towards it. Not me, but it. So I have to hold space for my truth -which is that it was important to me, even if it wasn't helpful all the time...  because it still is. 

Anyway... my therapist holds a lot of compassion for me... but I don't fully trust her. So I keep having convos with her in my head trying to prove, trying to test, trying to figure out how I can tell her -to not be judged. Because if I am judged... I am not sure I know how to recover.

So I saw both parents this weekend. 

I walked the lake with my dad and we mostly talked about non personal things. 

My brother apparently had to go to urgent care or the ER thinking he was poisoned or something, but is on antibiotics and expected to get better. My Dad says he has a skin condition that can sometimes indicate liver disease or cancer, but doesn't really want to do a colonoscopy.  -part of me wonders if he is more sick because we have been fighting (when I went to Europe the first time he lost like 30 lbs). 

I went to a crappy solidarity protest no kings thing yesterday. I've been annoyed that there isn't more active resistance going on. But I think people are basically feeling like MN is on the same page and going to vote in all the Dems and then everything will go back to normal... which is stupid. 

I did a lot of distracting/avoiding. I didn't clean the carpet. Didn't clean the windows or the mirrors. Didn't read. Barely journaled. Didn't do anything creative. Took a nap from 4:30-8 today. 

I am mostly prepared for the week -which doesn't look too hard. I have this dental surgery thing on Thursday that I am not looking forward to. 

A number of things this coming weekend, hoping to get some books in the mail for the book club next Sunday. 

Time goes by and things mostly stay the same.

I keep wondering how stuff could change if I don't invest or try new things, while also feeling (lately) very avoidant of investing or trying new things. 

Magical thinking, waiting for someone to pluck me. 

Bad brain

 So I tell my friend I want to go to Costco because I need to buy rice and pasta. She says she wants to go sometime. I ask if she wants to go today to the SLP one, she says she doesn’t like the SLP one ( no one does) and asks if I want to go to the business center and the business center does have some of the things I want but I went there last time so I actually need the stuff at the SLP one. So I say sorry I’m going to that one. But then when I am there I don’t buy rice and pasta (which was not even the things they only had at SLP, I bought frozen food!) but then because I didn’t buy rice and pasta my brain told me I was a liar and a bad person. And then I started playing out convos in my head about wanting to confess this, but then I felt like that would be manipulative so I’d be a bad person, and I went through like three loops of this for 15 minutes and then some mom threatened to slap her kid in front of me, and I didn’t say anything, because this mom was going through Costco with 5 kids and was clearly frustrated with them. But I was crying about it all of a sudden. And I didn’t want to make it worse. But then I thought I’m a social worker and a mandated reporter so I am supposed to respond to these things better than I did, so that makes me a bad person, so now I’m crying even more in Costco going though the aisles for 20 minutes cuz I can’t stop my mind from telling me stupid shit, and I can’t even focus on what I am supposed to get. And then I’m stuck in traffic and I can’t turn it off and I can’t focus and I’m crying in my car. And I get home. And I confesss on Instagram but then a friend says “I’m sorry that’s happening” or something , and I feel stupid and manipulative and then it starts again while I’m trying to fold laundry and I just want to hide under a blanket and die. 

And I know it didn’t start there today. It started earlier. But this is what my brain did for so many years and I’m just really sad that it’s happening again. Cuz I thought I was better. And now I feel stupid. And like a failure or something cuz I can’t stop except when I distract myself or dissociate or working, and it makes sense why I’m spending soooo many hours on my phone lately… but I don’t want to think. I don’t want to think like this. It’s so stupid and it just loops and loops and loops and it’s been hours already. And I’m worried I won’t be able to sleep. And it’s stupid. 

What I woke up thinking

 I want to run away again. I don’t want to keep toiling through a life that isn’t even that great. Why stay? Why play out this role?  Who does it help for me to be this way? What if I were just free?  I want to be like the way I thought I could be when I went to Europe the first time. Just a chill guy going from place to place… that is not at all what happened of course. I got even more anxious and rigid about things. Lost weight, had panic attacks, felt insane talking to myself all day every day. Scribble scribble scribble. My friend showed me the postcards I gave her at that time, we remarked at my tiny handwriting, I saw the familiar signs of feeling I had been too much and that I was appreciative -re: unworthy of her friendship.  I haven’t felt this crazy in so many years but even though it was interesting to see it also reminded me of how it actually felt. 

But I want to run away again. I don’t want live with this constant worry that I am doing something wrong all the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough. I want to join a cult, I don’t want all these responsibilities to myself and strangers. 

And then again, would I ever go work for a clinic again? No. Would I want to work for a school or university where they didn’t allow us to push back or address the changes that actually needed to happen? No. Would I want to become an organizer and feel righteous but exhausted… no. Would I want to join an organized religion in which I had to maintain the status quo, while preaching for change? No.   So what am I really saying? I want a vacation? 

I should plan my trip to Mexico for next year?

At the same time, I feel like I’m not really being truthful in my life. We are in this wild period of transformation and no one is talking about it, or dreaming the new thing into being… no one around me anyway. I’ve walked away from the things that connected me. I hear people’s secrets now… and keep them secret. 

Everything feels unnatural. What are we even doing?

There is this therapist online I’ve been following who is saying it, a little bit like every man, as if he is the one who figured it out, but he is also being truthful… about what needs to change.  

I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost goals. 

This morning I was thinking how nice it was those weekends where I was checking out 5-6 open houses, as if there was something to look forward to. I was excited, I was daydreaming I was exploring and going places. I had a goal even if it wasn’t truly my goal- glad people eventually called me out on that. 

I haven’t really had a goal except to keep up. Keep up with work. Keep up with bills and maintaining an apartment. Where is my life headed?  

Inner child work and trauma work… work work… bullshit. I go to protests not because I feel they work, but because I want to at least acknowledge that something needs to shift.  But me???? Am I able to shift my life my direction my goals?  For awhile I was exercising and playing guitar, for a while writing… now I’m just scrolling all the time.  

Im waiting for something to inspire me into the next thing. But maybe I just need to say duck it, I’m going to India or Cambodia or something. 

I dunno how I feel

 On the one hand, I’m trying to stay focused. I’ve got shit to do this week. I’m an adult, I needed to make dinner and do the dishes and take out the garbage.

On the other hand, I tried to explain to my dad that there has been this inner world I’ve been having that he wasn’t aware of -that I didn’t feel safe sharing with him because he wasnt attuned to it. Because I didn’t trust him because of things he had done and things that had happened. And while I was sharing these things I experienced all the feelings and thoughts that I have hidden from him and chose not to contain it. 

I told him I wanted to throw up. I told him I was dissociating. I told him I was afraid of people. I told him I needed space because I couldn’t settle. I told him the thoughts went from “I made a mistake” to “I’m a horrible person, unforgivable, unable to have a relationship, ruined all my chances” and that that occurs in seconds and if I don’t do anything it can last for days. I told him it used to result in a belief that I was going to hell.  

I told him I have ocd, and maybe some trauma too. 

I told him I didn’t know if I was sexually abused, I still don’t know, I just know that I feel unsafe sometimes. He confirmed that I had been physically abused and that I was bullied. 

I told him he triggered these experiences I have that are distressing and make me feel like I’m a kid again -and that in the last year I’ve felt more and more crazy every time it happens because I thought I was doing better, had forgiven myself and him, and now I feel like a kid and I’m scared and don’t know what to do. 

I told him that I’ve seen and experienced things that he hasn’t and that it makes it hard because I don’t know what he is aware of… and so it’s hard to understand why he isn’t getting it. (Eg torture cells and concentration camps and what ethnic cleansing looks like as it develops). As well as the conditions people are fleeing when they come the US for asylum. 

And when it was over - And I went home feeling like I had been way too vulnerable… because I didn’t want to fall into replaying the convo 5 millions times I distracted myself and did some work. And cried a bunch anyway. And I don’t want to go into the spirals because that makes it worse. But I also don’t want to dwell on my own vulnerability, or my hurt or my anger… but he confirmed things that felt very congruent with how I’d been feeling… confirmed that he sees these things as differences of opinion even though I experienced them as harmful. Confirmed that he didn’t “know” about how immigrants were being treated even though I told him. And that he only recently considered it cuz he watch a program a week ago from Chris cuomo who said it. Confirmed that he never really figured out why thousands of masked armed militia were sent to terrorize us. Even though I asked him months ago to figure it out when I left shaking in fight or flight from his home. He didn’t look it up, and hadn’t really considered it. 

And now I’m worried I’ll be spiraling again because it’s bed time and that’s when it gets the loudest. 

glug

 

It is Saturday, October 10, 2026. I am at the Loon Coffee shop over on lake. Its about 12:40ish. Went for a walk, and it zapped the life from me. I spent the first part of the walk thinking about the cycles of life, of culture, of nature, of transformation. I spent the next part thinking about how best to serve a client, and what advocacy means.

I spent the last 20 minutes on social media. Not sure what I am thinking or how I want to approach things. The woman in front of me looks nothing like A, but her haircut reminds me exactly of the time she cut it real short, the slight flair out.

My little brother texted our brothers chat that a stock he bought 5 years ago was taking off due to a medical trial being successful. The drug is a version of LSD meant to be used in a therapeutic context for GAD, MDD and PTSD. It looks very promising.

I am not sure how to spend my day. I had hoped to write the great novel or revise some poetry. I have work to do too, a letter and a DA. I have some reading to do. Maybe see a movie?  Its like 80 degrees out in October.

I had energy work yesterday. I need to practice, and do some breathing. I’ve got Spanish. I’ve got to get groceries and do 5-6 dishes. I saw a friend yesterday for an hour. It was nice to see her space even though she lives so far away.

The fear part of me is saying I am not enough, not doing enough, might let something slip or take the wrong step and ruin everything. It says I have cancer and its spreading. It says there is mold in my bathroom and I can’t clean it because its too powerful, and that means it is in me too.

Yesterday’s energy work and this morning’s tarot reminded me that by expanding and living into my values and beliefs about the universe, I am more protected and more alive. Whereas when I shrink or defend, I am more acutely aware of the loss, the fear, the lack, the imposition -reinforcing the wound. I am trying to be open to things, to the positives the universe has to offer. Yesterday everything felt aligned. Today I feel jittery and off again, and its probably the coffee or the lack of structure, or the dozens of people I’ve been thinking about today. Some uncertainty, causes me to lose myself, rather than notice and let go. My shoulders are raised.

Dad says lets talk, maybe tomorrow evening? There is a vigil tonight, a protest in the parking lot at target to tell them to stop supporting ICE. The secretary of defense wants to broadcast an execution. Healthy people are standing up against it. People are voting in record numbers. There will be a backlash a correction, but so much suffering in the meantime. And what do I want to do?

On Tuesday supposed to crash the student teacher conference to visit an old coworker friend. Just an excuse to see her new work site during a public time.

Kind of feel like I am not gonna accomplish anything here. Maybe its time to read, or go get lunch.

****

Went to get groceries after writing that, realized I was feeling somewhat sick -felt like I had overexerted myself in the heat and was gonna pass out or something. After making lunch I got into bed and laid there for a few hours -slowly getting a headache. Eventually took a nap and woke up at 8pm. Felt anxious like I had wasted the day, like I was behind, like I was a failure. Made dinner and did the dishes. Its close to 10 pm now. I keep getting weird spikes of headpain, but I am feeling better after eating. 

I made a little list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend and decided it seemed mostly reasonable to do tomorrow. I think this letter for my client is making me nervous. I guess I don't trust that he won't misuse it or something, and I am worried I will get dragged into drama. I need to be clear about my boundaries and my mission. 

Tomorrow massage at 11 am, hopefully I'll feel better by then. Some Spanish. Some reading. Maybe a walk or a talk with my dad. That one is also bringing up some nervousness I suppose.

Its not all that much really. Its just that I only have myself to rely on and I don't get a lot of reassurance for all the thoughts in my head. I think I need to do some meditating and maybe some more reading tonight. It's funny how easily swayed I am. 

The energy healer lady said "your ancestral line is kind of wavy, faint in some spots" I agree. I feel it, I am not rooted.

I keep watching stuff about OCD and ASD too, and I shake my head at how much I relate to certain things. I don't think I have autism, but I relate to a lot of it. Sensory issues, anxiety about being misunderstood etc. I've always said, its not that I don't get social cues, I get them too strongly. I am too aware of each little gesture, tone shift, etc. I guess its a thing for sensitive kiddos.  I was listening to a lot of the folks talk about PANDAS and POTS and EDS and all the overlapping conditions folks experience these days. I think I have an OCD neurotype, I think I am an empath/sensitive person, I think I have some childhood trauma stuff that I am still sorting out -more along the lines of unintentional emotional neglect, not abuse. 

But it is all in the past... what do I choose to experience now? What am I building? 

I dunno.  My old coworker is determined to start a craft school thing and rewild a golf course. I don't have any ambitions or goals anymore. Maybe its hard to move forward because my stuff feels so mundane... rebuild a social network, make new friends, maintain some level of balance between fun and work.  

That's the other thing that bums me out about this weekend. I wanted to do something creative, wanted to write my novel, wanted to edit and write poetry... none of that happened. My mind was distracted, headachy, I couldn't sit still and when I could I just wanted to moan and groan and fall asleep. 

I know a week or two ago I was lamenting the same... wanted to do a deep dive on my goals and dreams, wanted to create something beautiful... I am addicted to my phone. I balk when people text me. I want to go away for a year, but I am paying my bills and taxes to a government I detest. 

Gonna go do some reading and fall back to sleep. It wasn't a bad day, it just wasn't what I'd hoped it would be. I've maintained. 

open mic

Tonight someone at the open mic read a poem about bulimia and trying to get better, and relapsing, and having to start over again. It was a really good poem, and also really tough content. I started crying. At the break, I wrote her a note saying thank you for being brave. I didn't say why. I didn't say why I was crying. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, and if she asked, I didn't know if I'd be able to say anything without crying again. 

Because a writer friend of mine, lost her words and energy to the disorder... because when she was ready to start over, she had run out of time. Cuz some folks don't get better. 

I practiced words, then realized I didn't know what I wanted to say... thought about writing another poem, started crying again. Wondered why I was alive to share this story that is not mine when my friend is not. It isn't fair. I don't know what to say... I am too exhausted to write. Just felt like I needed to record this moment. 

It was mostly a good day. 5 clients, lots of youth. 

Tomorrow 3 clients and energy work, maybe stop at the bank on the way. 

I dunno...  Yesterday was tough cuz i had therapy at 8 am... then a full day. It was a good day... just long.

Saturday maybe talk to my Dad.

Sunday a massage and maybe buy some books for the Morris folks book club. 

Weird dream

 I just woke up to a kind of disturbing dream. 

Someone I love had announced that they were pregnant, but kind of slipped it in under their breath, so when I asked again they seemed to be doing that cute thing where you don’t fully share but add more, only each time I asked for clarification I heard more about their relationship and it felt disturbing rather than optimistic, like they had been manipulated into a relationship, rather than choosing it. And now they were pregnant, and the cute under the breath thing had become more like a “I’m having mixed feelings and don’t know what to do because I want this and I don’t want this…” or “I am embarrassed and don’t know how to ask for help but I’ve gotten in too deep.” Kind of thing. And that’s when I woke up, not able to confirm, not able to know, not able to reassure or help... and kind of mad at this person for being in this situation that I can’t do anything about.  I remember feeling this way in a few past situations… they made their choice, presumably it was the right one for them. But I was left feeling mixed emotions and helpless. 

Last night all these Hindu quotes and things were on my algorithm, one was about swadharma the idea of following your individual path, not being responsible for being good or right, but for following your path. 

Another was about nimitta matram about being an instrument in the larger orchestra of the universe but not being responsible for the song, only your part - as if to say you aren’t the conductor, maybe you don’t even like your role, but play it and trust that the universe is doing what it should.  

I gotta get up and go to work… why does something that should be positive feel so ominous? 

Ritual

 Reading a book about how essential ritual is to work through grief and other emotional/spiritual processes. I have a weird relationship with ritual. There are times like At May Day or bare bones when I love it. There are times when I have felt like I am trespassing, or outside the circle even when invited. I don’t really know how to get over my stuff, but there is a deep longing for something sacred to break through, and invite me into being witnessed, in being part of something. 

My roles have always been a reason to stay separate. I get annoyed talking about myself like this, but it feels real. I don’t feel like I belong, and never really have. So it’s hard…. I have a desire to create, lead, be part of something communal and sacred but I don’t know how to relate. I distance myself. I dunno…

Maybe I need drugs. 

Sickness

 

I am sick. It started Thursday and seems to come and go. I am on the quil. I just got back from a walk, for a few blocks I felt great, and by the time I got home I was ready for a nap. Maybe after this. 

It is a Saturday. No one has reached out. I don't have any major plans -though I had a desire to go to a protest at 3 downtown Minneapolis. Don't think I'll make it. In some ways this was the best weekend to get sick since I didn't have anything. 

I am reading a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow about grief. Its one of those books that you pick up, read some, and put down for a few days. I keep having a desire to read it, but when it is time I choose my phone and distraction instead. 

The reason I want to read it is really clear. Its speaking to my soul and my heart. At times my mind wanders when reading it, wanders to work and clients, wanders to old relationships, wanders to distraction... but my heart and my soul want this level of richness. 

In the premise of the book is basically that grief is a huge part of the soul/human journey and that we in our culture have basically pushed it away -and thereby banished whole parts of ourselves. It is a trauma in itself that we don't acknowledge grief very well. The author then breaks down the types of grief we experience (5 gates) and their entry way leads to a vast sorrow -that is natural and necessary to process in order to live more fully. He breaks it down as: 

1) Everything we love, we lose (grief of loss)

2) The places that have not known love (grief of exiled or shamed parts)

3) The sorrows of the world (societal and climate loss)

4) What we expected and did not receive (unmet needs / including those that should be natural to society)

5) Ancestral Grief (intergenerational trauma/grief).

The gates of 2,4,5 really struck me. I know 1 and 3 also hit me, but I think I am more frequently able to acknowledge and name these kinds of losses. When I watch the news, 3 hits me every time. When I think of the past, 1 hits me.... but naming shame as grief, naming unmet needs as grief... naming generational patterns and the impacts of generational trauma as grief is really helpful. 

Grief means there is a mix of emotions, rather than just trauma (fear and avoidance), grief says step into this... trauma says run.  

I am probably not able to do this right now... but just the idea of saying who would you be if you let shame go? If you acknowledged that your guilt/shame is actually a transmission from the past and you can honor it by healing, rather than feeling exiled?  That your loneliness and sorrow are not a personal defect, but rather the impacts of a society that has lost its way... and really mean these things. 

I am probably not in the headspace to be able to fully do that thinking/feeling right now. But I think this might be my next step. I think I need to imagine, to let go, to stop holding on to anchors that don't serve me. 

I was walking to subway and saw someone who had M's stature, and thought... man it would be really good to let go of my shame, guilt, hurt. To just say sorry and move forward without worrying.

Of course, the author of this book, who invites us into a new recognition and ritual, has also been accused of misusing his power...  There is a place of mistrust and anger and hurt and desire to exile...

Maybe I'll add to all of this when I wake up from my nap.

Rainy saturday

 I woke up late this morning, or rather I’d felt like sleeping in. When I woke up at 7 something the sky was blue and pink, but when I woke up later it was gray and rainy. 

Late mornings equal headaches and difficulty focusing. So I was determined to get some caffeine and get out of the apartment. 

By about 12:30 I’d done a few chores and decided I could get lunch and then get coffee and read and digest things. 

The chipotle was really unclean. The workers sat around rather than cleaning when they had a break. The coffee shop had new art in the walls that I wanted to spend time with, but it was packed and talkative. I started a new book on grief- and struggled to concentrate. I ate half a monkey bread - not great for my stomach but…

Prior to going to the coffee shop I’d felt really lonely, after I didn’t want to deal with people. I was only there for 30-40 minutes and had to get up and go. It may also have been the cold rain on my clothes and not enough layers. Or the headache. Or the fact that I feel like I need to read some texts from my dad but don’t want to, because I’m irritable already. 

On the way home I considered getting groceries just to have something productive to claim for the day before I give up. I decided not to. Maybe I’ll go out later and get some, but for now I’m in warm pjs and ready to take a nap. I’ll probably keep reading the book and it will knock me out. 

I feel lonely today even though I don’t want to be with people. I want to be with a person. 

Last night I drove to Hudson and my step grandparents bought me dinner, we played two different card games and they drove me around the town. It was actually really nice. I’d been nervous about it all week, and could easily see myself going back multiple times now. 

I’m an old person I guess. Perkins and card games. My idea of a good time. 

Grrr

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. I think over the last few days I’ve been feeling relatively good. Part of it has to do with speaking my mind to my dad. Part of it had to do with the weather change and having some sunlight. Some of it had to do with reading spiritual texts and watching more spiritual stuff to give me some perspective. A lot of my clients this week are also struggling and I think the training last week helped give me a little bit of distance which has been nice. 

My dad texted me back this morning. A few short paragraphs, not necessarily responding to everything I said. But acknowledging one thing, while also hinting to disagreements between us. The small half step felt so validating that I was crying on the floor again. And then I had to remind myself I couldn’t close the distance between us with him taking a half step. 

I had this memory of M doing that. Me spending days upset and going over things again and again wondering why she would treat me this way, then confronting her in some non aggressive way, only for her to often times admit something even worse that threw me off completely, and then she’d take a half step and I was so desperate for things to be ok, that I’d make leaps across the chasm to meet her there. 

Somehow I got onto the ocd algorithm on Instagram and it’s kind of killing me. As in, last week when I was anxious and trauma brain around my dad, a lot of my ocd symptoms came back… and now that people are reminding me, it feels like they never went away just got quiet or changed, and I’ve been living into these internal compulsions the whole time without realizing it. My little rituals and routines, my constant battles internally… they got smaller so it didn’t matter as much. Last week they got big again.

It’s really fucking painful to feel that scared and ashamed all the time. 

This week I feel more like the adult version of my OCD, last week I felt like my kid version or teen version. 

I dunno… I felt like writing something down instead of going over it in my head over and over preparing for therapy tomorrow. (This is another ocd thing I do- before during and after social interactions). 

Tired

 Sunday night. 

I'm kind of exhausted. Didn't get a weekend really because I've been in a training  (5.5 hours fri-sun). A peer in the class said "yeah, you basically have worked 7 days in a row and now you have to go back to work tomorrow. 

I have 5 clients tomorrow and a dentist appointment at 8 am. Not sure what I was thinking. The coming week is giving me anxiety already even though it doesn't seem so bad. A couple of clients who are normally online are coming in person. I have an intake on Thursday. 

I haven't fully prepared though. 

Also just kind of feeling off because I've been going in and out of trauma responses for the last week as I reconnect with my dad for the first time in several months. My tarot reader lady said that this week would be a major healing step, a turning of the page. Maybe. I dunno. I feel exhausted. 

The training was ok. I felt like I didn't really get any new information, but a difference in paradigm. I know a lot of people were saying the training was a lot because it felt like new information. To me it was a synthesis of other stuff I've read... and together during a small group, I acknowledged that to some extent the paradigm shift just feels like buddhism to me. It hadn't really clicked until that moment, but after saying it -it made a lot of sense. Don't follow people into their problems and despair, acknowledge that suffering is suffering and help them find ways to have compassion for their experience -EG lend the qualities of their adult (more enlightened self) to the wounds... Wrap up your baby and hold it. 

So... not entirely a new approach, they're just finding ways to share this paradigm through psychological treatment and calling them anchors. Easy enough.

I spent much of the weekend noticing my experience, noticing the methods of teaching, noticing my desire to participate or not participate. Noticing how I was struggling to connect socially. For the first time in a while it really hit me just how burnt out I feel. Not compassion fatigue, but definitely struggling to relate. 

It didn't help that the trainings started at 8 am in a dimly lit (think mood light) room while its raining. It felt like they were trying to keep us calm or something. Many people joked about nodding off.

So it wasn't really the information,  and not really the social stuff, but eventually during the once a day practice small groups I did connect with some folks. And it was nice, but it also felt a little like we could have just had consult groups for an hour and a hand out. I guess the training so far has reminded me of grad school -sitting in a room with a bunch of folks who haven't done their reading while the teacher goes over it. Not that the instructors are boring -they're great instructors. Which made it sort of fun to watch them -lots of breaking things down experientially, lots of stories, lots of visuals, lots of jokes and interactions. 

But beyond the biology of low light, and some irritability, I've also been processing trauma all week. I spent the last few days writing "bullet points" for my dad. I feel good about it, but I spent hours and hours trying to figure out how to name what I needed to name. He told me he'd respond (like I hear you) but hasn't yet.  I guess while writing it, I realized that I am more traumatized and more mentally shook up than I realized. So now I kind of feel like a wounded animal. 

On and off this week I felt all these old behaviors and thoughts come up, and it just took so much effort to tell myself I am ok. Literally last night when I had sent this list to my dad I felt like throwing up and just cried on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet. Earlier this week I was having these intrusive thoughts of cutting myself. Its shit like this that makes it hard. But I didn't do anything too bad... I did a lot of meditation, and visualization, and ritual, and prayer...  and it was effortful.

This afternoon I was watching insta reels from therapists talking about internal OCD and so much of it seemed like my daily way of keeping myself together... and part of me wondered if I've just been tricking myself into believing I am not as bad off as I thought. Like maybe I am just really good at pretending to be functional... meanwhile I am pushing everyone in my life away and internally just going through obsession/compulsion cycles and not even recognizing it. Like my little lists... like my little routines (which I couldn't do all of this weekend). Anyway... I feel very low and I am entering into a hard week. So that sucks. 

I feel like I was hoping that at this training I might meet someone or something... But I am so not open to that right now. The little tarot reading I heard was basically like  -you're finally free to be you and to connect with people you want to. And I am like... I want to hide from the world and not come out of my cave for a week. 

Gonna do some reading and go to bed. 

argh

 My dad's love is so inconsistent, it's incredibly confusing. 

Meh

My dad just reached out. He said he was disappointed he didn't hear from me on Father's day and "if this (no contact)" is the way I want to play this out.

I am not sure how to respond. A) because sometimes the way he communicates things seems to imply I am guilty of something if I don't make more effort. B) because I have been thinking about how to move forward and the best idea I've come up with recently is maybe we ask my aunt to mediate, because though I have been heard, I haven't been understood. 

Part of me wants to say, "do you know me?"    (as in... do you think the kid who went to your wedding with the woman who you cheated on his mom with, is the one who wants to go no contact?)

Part of me wants to say "no, it isn't, got any ideas?"  (as in... don't put this on me... you're the one who screwed up). 

Part of me wants to say, "fuck you" (as in... can you acknowledge that you're part of this?)

Part of me wants to ask him to go to therapy...   (as in... do you ever take responsibility?)

I was talking with my mom briefly yesterday and she said do you think his attachment wound is that he doesn't actually attach or connect, -and we clarified 'beyond when people need him?'   I said basically -well I've dealt with that too... I sure do love to feel needed.  I suppose he has some longer-term friends, and he is close to some of his siblings... but there is a desire to be needed in those relationships. 

When we go for walks, he listens... I am sure it makes him feel like he is contributing -and he was, greatly. I miss having him as a potential confidant, or someone to talk about big things with... but I've lost trust in him again. 

I want to say... "last time we had a serious chat about this, you told me it doesn't matter what I share, what I feel, what I tell you... it won't change the way you feel about it." Well... then what's the point of talking about anything?  I mean... intellectual curiosity?   I told you that you're basically saying the people who are hurting my, my community, my business, my future are fine by you... so I guess you don't really care about my feelings, my community, my business, my future.  Right?  

Thursday, dad stuff, polishing a mirror

It is Thursday. A bunch of folks canceled so I only had two clients today and they were both hard for different reasons. 

After work I was determined to journal, went to a park and got irritable. I came home and felt kind of exhausted for no reason though. I messed around on my phone, didn't accomplish half my goals. Went out to get dinner and stuffed myself. 

On Thursdays I normally go to open mic, but I just wasn't feeling being around people. 

Maybe feeling like the world is in a scary place and I don't know how to hold it all... loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry the weight of the world.

I am re-reading Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass, which I actually think is one of my fav books. It is so well written, and packs in so many big concepts, interesting quotes and fascinating stories. 

I am finding it is helpful with giving me perspective, but tonight I lost it... tonight I am feeling down and out. Maybe it is the thing I've been rolling around in the back of my head all day (below) or maybe it is the state of the world, or maybe it is that I have a bunch of things this weekend and I just wanted some time to myself. 

Part of it is that I wrote myself a series of questions (kind of based off the book) to reflect on what the deal is with me and my dad right now... and I couldn't get centered enough to write until like an hour ago. After writing I wrote some commentary at the top -wondering if maybe this needs to be a regular practice. 

SO without much ado... 

Maybe I keep asking myself these questions periodically… in answering them this time, I am not sure much has changed. Maybe we have to wait till less interesting times* to not get dragged into the mess of politics and how it impacts the relationship.  9/10/26

 

What am I attached to when it comes to Dad?

I think my initial answer is that I want my dad to be someone I respect, someone I honor, someone I go to for wisdom, a friend, a peer, etc… but more than that there is this desire that he be someone I can rely on.  Someone I can turn to for comfort, someone who won’t leave me out in the cold, a safety, a security, a fallback.  I think the younger version of me still craves this. I think he also likes to see himself this way.

I think there is a part of me that wants him to change his politics (teen/adult self) because I want to see that he understands, can grow, etc. Not just understands me, but sees the world in a similar way. I think this is a further iteration of this desire that I can feel secure and trust in him… he sees the world as I do, which means he is hurt and longs for the same things. Which means he understands and can support me.

I think there is a newer part that wanted to be excited or motivated to take care of him as he ages. I think I thought I was preparing for time spent, and wanting that time to feel positive. Our walks around the lake felt like a way of securing and practicing that… but it was disrupted when I realized he doesn’t understand me even if he hears me.

I think underneath these ideas is this idea that I have parents who can support and nourish me. That I am not alone. That my family has my back. That there will be more connection than disconnection.

 

In what way am I being self-righteous rather than just being?

I am holding on to the idea that these issues matter more than the relationship… that they are bigger than the relationship. I see these patterns; I see an action and a consequence. I point that out, and I am not believed despite being right.  I see how inaction and choices made for the other side actively harm me. Harm my business, harm my lifestyle, harm my clients, harm people I care about. I point that out and rather than it being acknowledged and them taking responsibility for their behavior, I am told to get over it.  As in, it doesn’t matter that I hurt you, you’ll have to figure out how to live with that.  Additionally, I see how my hurt is considered less important than their discomfort…  My emotions, my feeling of security, my experience of being trusted, respected, believed, etc.… are asked to be on hold. I recognize that there may be ideas I’ve not been introduced to, or perspectives I could take in, but frequently these are either not offered, or offered in a way that doesn’t actually shift anything. EG conservative talking points without taking any responsibility. So my righteousness protects my perspective (sure ego) but also my mental, emotional, spiritual self, and my lived experiences… If they are not interested in them, discard them when it is convenient to them, then why be in relationship?

 

What do I need to let go of in order to maintain relationship?

To just BE with this, I would need to let go of or downplay my hurt. I’ve done that. I would have to pretend or join their denial… I could try to see it their way, but they don’t do a good job of demonstrating the logic, and they don’t do the same… so it would be me putting more into the relationship mentally and emotionally… not reciprocal. They express their care in different ways… ways that I don’t necessarily always need. Sometimes in ways that challenge me to grow or to feel invested in differently… but not with the same emotional bond. So to stay in relationship, I’d need to let go of my attachment to the idea that I should be able to go to my parents for emotional understanding, comfort, compassion. I’d be in the relationship on their level, not mine. Potentially meeting their needs and wants, not mine.

I keep thinking if I needed to rely on them, maybe it would be different. For my sister and little brother – it is. They both heavily rely on my dad and step mom. For my older brother -its him wanting his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, meanwhile he is emotionally distant from them.

 If I needed a place to stay? If I needed a favor?  If it were transactional?  But none of these -change the emotional level. I would be grateful. I already am grateful, but I am not connected.

If my dad was hurt or ill? Dies? Would I suddenly want the relationship back?  It feels like something fundamentally shifted… I would of course care. I would probably wish I had more time… but I am not sure what it would change. I walked around the lake with him 5 times explaining different aspects, pouring out my heart, sharing my pain… he listened. He didn’t want to change, to empathize, to comfort. So that’s not the relationship he wants… So transactional then. An exchange of gifts of roughly equal value. Activities together… But why listen if its not for understanding? That’s not real. That’s what felt like it fundamentally shifted. He asks the question, waiting for me to change, to forgive him etc. but that’s me crying as a kid again, and him not doing anything to be there for me.  

In what ways can I honor my own experience without needing compassion, empathy or understanding from him?

I think there are lots of ways I can meet my own needs, be there for myself etc… including taking this time of being distant. I have to let go of an attachment that is meaningful to me, and accept what feels like a diminished position. Dad is 3 rings further out on the trust exercise.  It’s not what I want. It is what is… but I won’t be able to trust, or go to him for understanding on things, because he sees the world and his place in it differently. It will be like seeing him as a client or a coworker, who I would not choose to have a personal relationship with. Like how my brother and sister in law see him. I could go there and pretend to be all loving, but I would have to truly be in a place in which my cup feels full. I have filled it, and I don’t need or want more from them. I can’t expect that of them. SO I have to do it myself… and then, sure, value their experience, their gifts, but a distant type of connection, not in genuine relationship.

In what ways can I honor his incarnation, have compassion for his experience?

There are a lot of ideas/perspectives/experiences that I can hold and have compassion for. Very quickly my mind moves to areas in which he feels vulnerable… hearing, aging, money, feeling that he doesn’t have power -and becomes resentful. I have compassion for and empathy for these experiences, but they don’t necessarily mean he is right.  Just because you’re bitter, doesn’t make you right…  I can honor and have compassion for his lived experiences, the ways he has tried to grow and change, take on new things. I can be very grateful for the ways he has shown up for me in my life… but also expect him to take responsibility for his incarnation… right?  Like… if you don’t have the information, why not believe someone who does?  If you feel trapped or bitter, why not empower yourself rather than take it out sideways…  go to therapy man, find something bigger than yourself, don’t make it all about you or her.

Additionally, I think I can absolutely honor the ways he does show up for others. The ways he mows the neighbor’s lawn or shovels or whatever. In many ways he is a lovely neighbor. In many ways he is a lovely acquaintance, a friend, even a father when it suits him. There were plenty of times that he did show up for me when I had not expected him to, or didn’t even ask. But I also feel like they served to reduce his own anxiety.

I can have a lot of empathy-for that. I have absolutely been that guy. I certainly have showed up to reduce my own anxiety in life, I certainly have played the hero when it suited me, I have certainly played the victim or the villain when it suited me too. That melodrama is real. I guess I am just wondering why we are playing it out? I’ve tried to be open and responsible about my side. I’ve asked them to be responsible for theirs.

In what ways are my fear, insecurity, self-consciousness getting in my own way? In what ways are you living in your own punishment, melodrama that actually isn’t changing anything?

Starving yourself to punish the other. Wondering if they are thinking of you. Not accepting the truth-reality, that it has always been this way and I didn’t stand my ground. Not taking full responsibility for your own stuff because you are afraid. Scared you will be abandoned. Not reaching out to keep the discussion going. Not asking for their side, because their side is painful to hear.

 

How can I let the waves play out, let go of the anger and hurt, and just see the sea again?

On some level this feels kind of naïve… like, I can’t in the ways that I used to. But there is a sea somewhere and I think it requires this time and processing, and finding my security and safety and comfort elsewhere (or inside) to be able to see the sea. To not have waves of rage and hurt.

 

What do I get from the relationships that makes it worthwhile to invest?

It’s so sad that right now I am not sure. I have already come up with a million things that I love, and am grateful for from them… but I still feel very much like I have to choose me first, or it will never work. I can’t keep choosing them over me… and that’s what calmed the sea before, me downplaying the waves and pretending to be ok.

I think it is really easy to say… well I am just not being compassionate enough, or spiritual enough, or I am getting in my own way. But again, it feels like fundamentally something shifted… I am recognizing a pattern in which I am asked to get over my hurt, for someone else’s discomfort. They don’t want to grow, or change, or learn, or open up to the possibility that they are wrong, or hurtful or anything… so I can play the role of saint, but for what?  Has my compassion for them shifted the relationship? Has it made it better?  Has it made them want to open up? 

I don’t know their perspective, and they aren’t sharing it.

I have a feeling they would double down on the meaningless things they’ve already said, and wonder why I can’t accept a truce when their beliefs and actions continue to cause harm, distance etc.

There is something about the spiritual side of “love your enemies” that isn’t fully said, which is sometimes holding them accountable is the love, rather than pitying or infantilizing them. I am not ready to treat them like they aren’t capable of introspection (as my brother and sister basically suggested).

meh hard to be alone

I feel like I've never made a good marinade. Tonight's was so bad that I had to take the garbage out because the smell was rough. 

I don't know what to do tonight... I have two more things on my list (write/journal) and do the breathing exercise.

I don't feel very creative today. I woke up thinking I'd go spend a day at a coffee shop and be creative... and by the time I got to one I was kind or irritable. I spent an hour writing apologies to people that I've wronged or ghosted, then began to write them to people I have mixed feelings around, either open or never acknowledged conflicts. It felt good at first, then I realized I was really just writing for myself. It wasn't a true apology. I didn't want to hear their side of the story, didn't want to confront the situation... just say sorry, my bad and then dip. 

I started to reread the entries/writing I'd down around the time I started fighting with my dad and step mom... I got angry again and couldn't concentrate on anything else. 

I decided I should go for a walk. On the walk, due to the heat and other factors. I became increasingly sad, pitiful, irritated with myself. Half way through I felt pretty down, lonely, abandoned, rejected.  Felt like I was wasting my life and that even though I'd been given a lot of love by others, I didn't really feel very connected. -This is sort of the opposite of how I've felt lately -been doing a lot of meditation, self compassion, breathing, visualizations, gratitude exercises  ---all of which have kept me feeling ok despite feeling super sensitive... realizing how miserable I was making myself, I started to do one of these exercises while walking and within minutes I was crying, but also working through all the difficult emotions. I was imagining myself being there for my younger self who feels like too much, and all alone. I held him, shared positive feedback etc... 

The last 15-20 minutes of my walk I was sweating my ass off and uncomfortable but not sad/irritable anymore. I got groceries. Came home and showered. Did some spanish. 

I don't really want to go for a walk because its like 85 and humid. I don't really want to reach out to folks... feel like I am doing good for myself... but don't know how to expand that into something bigger.

Since I got home, I've been on and off having that anger with my family pop up. I think I miss my Dad. I feel like I don't know what to do about that, because yeah, I could see him. It would be fine. But I am still angry and hurt... and it feels like its not my job to make things better anymore. Thats the promise I've been trying to fulfill for myself. It's not my job to do other's work for them... its my job to be there for myself. I did that today. But ... still alone. When will that change?

I wish I could say I am gonna be productive tonight... but I know I am gonna go lay in bed on my phone. Its about 7pm and I am ready for bed. 

3 things

 1) There is this place in my dreams that repeats. It reminds me a bit of that backrooms movie. I think initially it was this massive extension of a home I lived in as a child. Underground tunnels led to large structures, more and more rooms. I don't recall if in that initial dream there were some tunnels/rooms that were scary, but over time, within the dream, these structures took on this otherworldly scary quality. The theme repeats every so often. Sometimes it is literally like a horror movie nightmare. Most of the time it is a normal dream in which there are areas that are off limits, or not for us. I am being subtle here, but it is something like demons, ghosts, devils... these rooms are hellish... even if they look normal, upon entering you feel it creeping up your skin. Shivering with sudden fear. It's like when you're in your basement at night and you feel something is with you. It's like when you're running up the stairs and you feel something chasing you. That the feel of these spaces. In the dreams I've never confronted the evil, or seen it... I just know. Multiple times I've felt it... I just know that there are certain spaces that are off limits.  Anyway, last night I had one of those dreams... it started with an icecream truck that was being sold, and turned into me cleaning two of the rooms that were adjacent to one of these hallways that leads to the evil... and I wondered why I felt so ok... being just one room away. Like I was getting more and more comfortable living beside this thing... less scared of it?  I dunno... I just find it weird. I know I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately... last nights wasn't a nightmare, it was nightmare adjacent and I guess I felt confident enough to manage. 

2) I went to see Hadestown again. Loved it, but maybe didn't need to see it sooo quickly. Still cried through the end. On the way home I saw dozens of people out enjoying a summer friday night together. And felt even lonelier. 

3) I don't have much to do this weekend. I couldn't find a protest other than probably just the street ones. I could do that. It's supposed to be really hot, and maybe a little rain. So maybe coffee shop and writing?  I finished a poem (I think) and even recorded a video of it last night... felt good. It reminded me in some weird way that my enneagram's growth position is a 3, use your voice, step into the light, express yourself, achieve, accomplish, be celebrated and congratulated for your efforts (kind of yuck -but if done in a healthy way it would be growth for a guy like me). But I still haven't performed at the open mic I've been going to all summer. I am not sure what I want to publish. Not sure what I am doing for my next steps... Tonight is pretty much over though... so it will have to be sat and sun. 

Distracted

 I've felt kind of distracted today.

Thinking about overlapping and non overlapping moralities and their intersection with privilege and power.

A leader who gives an order and a million die from sudden neglect... but it serves him and he doesn't think about the consequences. 

A person who checks their phone 400 times a day and only 3 times a year is reminded of the slave labor that wrestled the materials from the earth and manufactured it... thinks how sad, and then scrolls to the next thing. Again, it serves me, I do nothing regarding the consequences. 

A person who in their desire to be close to power, doxes and serves as lapdog vengeance for the powerful.

A person who in their desperation to fight back harms the non-influential family member of the powerful.

A system that is rigged to serve one group immorally, and an attempt to disrupt that system that uses the same tools is considered immoral. (We don't believe in political violence -says the side with the largest army). 

Give unto caesar what is caesars... 

Well... more than half of the emperors of rome died by violence, held power through violence, died by violence. Some of them got statues and coins, some of those statues were also beheaded. 

Is the exercise of thinking of the morality in itself a barrier to change, a binding spell cast down upon the masses... that the elite instill on others but do not follow? religion the opiate... until the next religion whether it be capitalism, or nationalism, or what can be pushed... 

I watched a video yesterday that reminded me: we are animals. We don't ask the dog what its purpose is. We get annoyed but don't judge it for barking or leaping. A group of dogs can be violent toward one another, but we don't call it violence. We don't need each of its behaviors to have a deeper meaning. We don't ask it to bear the weight of the world. Don't question whether it has been productive enough today to deserve it's daily bread. 

When dogs fight over food, they don't question fairness or morality. If our leaders choose to destroy the ties that bind us together, pitting us one against the other, dismantle the shared safety nets, the-communal resources, starve us, deprive us, make it impossible to thrive, make it impossible to see neighbor as brother or peer, but as competition to scrap with... is it not moral to question and fight the system that creates such conditions.

Sometimes, I think about things more historically... its only recently that we started assigning morality to past historical actions... "they were bad for doing x."  I mean, sure... but without x the world you know would not exist. There are statues of Christopher Columbus all over latin america... he was not a good man, even his own people recognized that at the time... but he isn't remembered for being good, his actions had consequences that made opportunities for us today.   I think some elite think of things on that scale. Some leaders don't care whether their contribution was good or bad, just consequential. Change the map. Get your name in every paper and history book. Be the first, or the unique... 

These qualities don't really serve those they lead... but they are impactful. One could say -hey there are positive leaders who added, created, benefited humanity... yes, but probably also at a cost, a disruption. 

Maybe we need to get out of this mindset that disruption is bad -it is a scarcity position. Survival mode. Don't cause friction or things could get worse... they are getting worse, is your obedience to the system helping? at what point do you take a bigger risk to make things better?  

restless anxiety and insecurity a test?

I'm not sure what it is. I think I am doing a good job managing it, but I find it funny to suddenly feel insecure again. I was feeling pretty optimistic, aligned, (there was so many little coincidences and what not) and then suddenly I am doing that Hinge thing and I just lose all confidence. 

Yesterday I realized all my appointments are online today, so I figured I'd just work from home. But sitting in front of a computer all day, feeling trapped, feeling restless, feeling like I haven't done enough... is badddddd. 

I ate a salad for lunch and walked around the block. I did my breathing and meditation exercises. Things feel better. I am just aware that the wind was taken from my sails. Probably some grief. Probably something to do with that nightmare -as I reread it I saw multiple themes of trying to move forward and getting stuck or trapped even prior to the feeling taken advantage of...  probably something to do with not knowing the *right way forward... 

On facebook I am part of this 'therapist dating group' where its just therapists talking about how hard it is to date. We are all scattered around the world -so it isn't really like people on there to hook up -even if they wanted to. Themes include: I am healing from a difficult relationship, I see red flags everywhere, I don't know how to get out of work mode, I have to deal with all these people's assumptions and insecurities around dating a therapist... and just the difficulty of putting yourself out there when you've been holding space for others all week. Very relatable, but I am not sure its helpful for me to keep reading them.

Tonight I am gonna go to trivia again. I think maybe next week I will invite people. Doesn't hurt to ask. 

Not sure what the rest of the week looks like... open mic. Maybe need to find a protest.  In a few weeks I am going to a training all weekend... but for now... just chilling.

Ok I lied

 I did download hinge and started filling it out, and then just got kind of repulsed by the whole thing and deleted it. 

I’m not sure what it was… maybe because I basically only have selfies for pictures. Maybe because when picking three prompts I felt like I was limiting myself and didn’t know how to make an honest impression. Do I tell people I’m a picky eater and weed out all the folks that would find that annoying? Do I tell people I’m a therapist? Do I share about my goal of traveling the world? Do I pretend like I’m interested in small talk dates?  I just have no fucking desire for traditional dating. I never have. I get to know someone, fall for them and then ask them if they can see themselves continuing to hang with me… I don’t really know another way to weed through all the bullshit. I don’t want to go on dates. I have a hard enough time not turning them into intake sessions. 

Everyone I’ve ever fell for I saw from across a room and felt they were special. I’m just not drawn to the digital profile in the same way. I’d probably weed out all the people who are compatible in favor of those who take good pictures or know how to write well. Both of which I’d love in a partner but that’s not all.   

I find myself wanting to say, if you can’t handle a political conversation or one on religion, psychology or culture I’m out. If you love dogs and sports, or nationalism im out. If you can’t put up with someone who eats chicken nuggets and fries or Chinese for half his meals… if you don’t love humans! If you can’t see yourself traveling outside of a resort - but also I’m not a wilderness person. I love exploring cities and the things humans have made. I dunno.  I am better in person is what I’m trying to say, if you don’t find me endearing it will never work.