nostalgia

 

It's funny how the waves come and go. You know. They say it has to do with the moon. Yet question how the planetary alignment at the time of one's birth could exude any kind of influence on the you, you'd become. You've become you. Funny, and true?

Its a Thursday night. I've seen 20 clients this week, I suppose a couple were couples... so more like 22 so far. Had a new client today. Have three old clients tomorrow. 

I didn't go to trivia on Tuesday because I was tired. 

I didn't go to open mic tonight because I wasn't motivated. 

I started a book I'd been looking forward to last weekend, and haven't gotten through the second chapter. 

I was hoping to have a crush on someone new... I think they might be a lesbian. 

I've been chatting with an ex who is pregnant, and wondering if another ex is pregnant. 

Someone came up on my instagram feed as suggested, and I thought they'd blocked me... but maybe I looked them up too many times and it is just giving me a taste I wasn't sure I really wanted. The idea of someone not hating me is so lifegiving. 

I want to be the companion to someone else's drama, instead of my own. I want to have something to live for. 

I feel so grateful and appreciative of all the wondrous people and places and things I've done...so many pleasant, warming memories. But I spend my nights glued to a phone, and don't always return people's texts. 

Tomorrow I see the energy worker again, followed by dinner and a puppet show in a park. 

Saturday? Maybe Rocky Horror if I feel up for it. Sunday, maybe a walk with my Dad.

I have to figure out Thanksgiving. I have to figure out if I have a place in my family, or even want one. 

I want to run away... Its not that I don't love my life, I just could imagine a better one... and I am not sure how to bridge the divide between my wants and my realities. 

The tarot cards keep spitting out that its near. How many years...