From this morning Spyhouse on Hennepin, 10/31/26

1) I am journaling because I’d like to settle down and get to writing creatively at some point.

Just went for an 8 am walk with my Dad because he has 8 lawns to mow and is worried about money. 8 am, but he showed up at 8:15. We walked around the lake. He asked me about my mental health, I said it was fine, but hard to trust or predict or make assumptions about the future. He asked, hard to trust me, or things in general or the world? I said yes.

He said he was worrying about how to move forward with the holidays coming up, said maybe he’d been spending too much time on the lawns or the grandkids, or worrying about money and hadn’t spent enough investing in figuring things out (or at least implied this before trailing off…) I said I was thinking about it too.

I asked him where my step mom was at. He said, basically that she though he should push back a little on the bullet points, and that she felt I was the one who started it… and that we should be able to have differences of opinion. There was another point, but I forgot. I said, I wasn’t defensive before starting this, but I am now because that was exactly where she was, and where I pushed back earlier this year. (So nothing has changed with her. And they are expecting me to do all the work. She gets to play victim, rather than take responsibility -didn’t say this out loud because I’ve already said it multiple times.)

He said basically that he wasn’t good at conveying her points for her and that I should. I said, I’m always the one who has to cross that bridge. He said only a few times. I said dozens, you just didn’t know or remember. I asked him why he consoles her and then comes to me and asks me to apologize, he said I can only think of that happening twice. I said, it happens all the time. And asked him why he doesn’t tell her to fight her own battles. And pointed out that when I asked her to write a letter to clarify her positions 6 months ago he told me I should be the one to do it. (Which again, I have been).

He said that she has a different opinion, perspective and that should be ok. I said her opinion hurts me, so its ok for me to not have a relationship with someone who hurts me.

If she can’t have empathy for my life or the things that impact me then we don’t have a relationship. Which is fine.

He said, its just politics or something. I said its not just politics, politics impacts my life and people I care about. The politics they are rooting for is destroying our country. I asked him what institutions or systems he actually believes in, and he couldn’t give me any. Said he was cynical of all of it. And I said yup and that means you look out for yourself because you can’t depend on anyone, so we don’t have a society anymore. He said something about -you think the democrats are gonna save things. I said theyre a last chance to make a correction because there is no conservative party, the democrats are basically conservatives, (not these words), and that they are fighting for basics, but yall treat them like they are extremists. Gave examples of school lunches, medical care, green energy, corruptions, prisons, jobs etc. Meanwhile the republicans are just being racist, grifting and comparing butts. Trump is threatening to Nuke Iran and no one in his party stops him, so it isn’t just politics its our lives. And basically we ended with out him saying anything but recognizing there was a gap (presumably) and probably him thinking about the lawns he needs to mow because his wife spends their money on shit he doesn’t care about and his daughter uses them for daycare because she can’t pay her own bills.

Overly simplified, their way of seeing the world warps my reality, and I can’t be around it. Overly simplified, my dad chooses her, and asks me to be the adult in the relationship while claiming its all about personal responsibility. My dad is working long days -probably because he wants to -while complaining about not having enough money because his wife and daughter spend all of it, but rather than asking them to take responsibility he puts his head down, or blames other people for his problems. No consistency. No accountability. No reality. All warped…



2) Went to Barebones Halloween show with a friend last night at Powderhorn. It was different than when it was at the river and I was struggling a bit with the changes. It seemed more open, more family friendly and a little less about a celebration of death and renewal. They had a vaguely political part where all the butterflies try to fight the centipede that stands for destruction. I think it makes sense that they needed to honor the experience of the moment, while also reminding people of larger cycles… I guess I was just aware of the differences. My friend, having never gone, was not so aware. I think she was glad to be a spectator, but it wasn’t personal or moving to her. I remember going with a different friend years ago and it feeling really deep and emotional, whereas this felt more like a show. I was trying to just let the experience be what it was… but there was a level of recognition that you have to go to things with the people who will get it, and maybe I don’t have that many people who get the things I am interested in (like creatively/spiritually). Not that the time was bad, I really enjoyed our discussion of all the worlds ills etc.. just noticing slight differences. Its kind of like that in life right? Never know who should be invited to what, what their experience will be, how do you not allow their experience to influence yours? Its not that I want everyone to have my experience, but with the things that feel sacred, I want to experience my awe, joy and delight.



3) I keep alternating between angry and sad with my dad and step mom. Desire to disconnect, desire to be seen. I think about how my dad was the go between, and how that probably has always made it worse. How when we had visits he would drive us to burger king and then drop us off. Where was the step mom investing in us -trying to build or repair a relationship that had been damaged by her actions? She was already in her own trauma space before we got upset or angry enough to say or do anything. She was already expecting him to step in and mediate, or expecting us to hide parts of ourselves to suit her. He said ‘she wonders why you always bring these things up when it upsets you (and her)? Why bring up life and society when someone could get upset? Shove it inside, pretend like its fine, hide, don’t be genuine about the things you care about - its upsetting to me (her voice). Yeah, then we don’t have a relationship.

It isn’t that she can’t be sweet, warm, welcoming. Its that she can only do that if it doesn’t impact her sense of security… so its not genuine, it’s a part she is playing, and expecting others to play.



4) I have been mostly feeling pretty good lately. Even now, I am not feeling off… just angry and hurt. But I am not going into my little kid self.

5) Yesterday in the energy work… I was so self conscious of about three things… A) being on my back and falling asleep and snoring, B) sleep apnea… I am pretty sure I stop breathing regularly. I think she interprets it as a place I got stuck energetically and that might also be true. Every time I found myself drifting, entering dream land or just not present to the moment I found I’d stop breathing naturally. C) There was some level of just physically being held… like a little kid… like I would hold a kid, lovingly, gentle, no bad intentions… and it made me miss being held. When was the last time I was held? And at one point when I complained that I was feeling so relaxed I might fall asleep and she said go ahead… I was suddenly flooded with all these memories of times when I have held someone as they fell asleep, comforted someone when they woke up to a violent memory/dream… how much love I felt for them, how much concern… how I just wanted to take away all that pain from their bodies and let them trust that I cared, would protect them. I think only one of my exes didn’t wake up to nightmares kicking… and it made me miss loving… and also made me wonder why I’ve never been told by someone else its ok, I’ll protect you when you sleep, when you have nightmares, when you’re afraid with all those thoughts you can’t stop… I’ll just hold you. She pressed on a bunch of places just above my heart, and each one ached… even though she wasn’t pressing very hard. They were just stuck spots of so much pain and love, and holding… and I started crying again thinking about how resistant to being loved I have felt… and I missed E. But I also wondered at what point it switched from feeling like she was loving towards me to she thought I was the enemy… and the same with all of them… that at some point I wasn’t the one they loved even if they said they did. And I had to protect myself instead of holding them… because if I held them they’d kick harder.

I walked out of feeling lighter, more open to love, but also just really sad about lost love.

Its been about an hour. I should probably read or do some creative writing.

6) A bit later… I keep thinking about… well if my Dad doesn’t trust or believe or hope in a future that is better. If he can only trust in himself and his family… then why would we trust his leadership? … further, if he says he trusts in us, invests in us, but then spends all his time working landscaping jobs to keep himself busy and have enough cash on the side… (which we have talked about for years means he isn’t investing in us)… is this just another example of him being stuck? He hasn’t graduated into wisdom… hasn’t stepped up into taking on a different role, still clinging to a form of productivity and providing… rather than supporting in other ways. Maybe this is also the legacy of hearing loss. “what good am I? ---I’ll show it with my work.”




I basically spent the day in bed. I stopped at chipotle and the bank, and the grocery store. Did my spanish. Stayed in bed, napped, woke up around 6:30. Now for some reason I am making ribs which takes 3 hours... so I'll try to be creative. I talked to my mom for awhile sitting in my car at the grocery store. When I got in the door I just felt kind of defeated, like whats the point.

I was considering going to Rocky Horror tonight... but dont really want to be around people.