Saturday

Probably gonna do some fun writing today. It's been raining and it is gray out. Maybe go for a walk with pops. Maybe play some more comp games or watch HBO. Watched suicide squad 2 yesterday. It was pretty good. 

Listening to a discussion between Robin DiAngelo and Resmaa Manakem, Robin saying "I am comfortable in a racist society... 'there is no inherent loss in living a segregated life." It makes me question myself, and where I am at. But I like their discussion because it feels nuanced, or leads to more questions. 

I find it very difficult to listen to progressives these days, and I think on a few fronts, because:

    A) I hear white guilt, not love, not desire for connection. I hear fragilizing and white saviorism. I hear people virtue signaling "I am so woke" and its just a different way of flaunting privilege.  As Robin says we have to think more about "Whats in it for us? ... not doing it for them..."

    B) I am aware that I am not gonna do the social justice work that changes the system at this time. In my daily life I am not seeking out the connections and love myself... I am offering it where and when I can, but not seeking it out. In essence, I am part of the problem.  In this discussion, they talk about the difference between showing and telling, you have to be different, not just talk/cognate differently. I am not sure that is where I am at... even if its what I want to be. 

    C) I am aware that it is so much bigger than the America centric view that we often see in these conversations. People's truths are subjective, and objectively we are part of larger whole of humanity. This culture and history is not separate from the larger whole. I like that Resmaa goes back in history, reminding us that white bodies came from a brutal system in which white bodies policed and tortured white bodies far before they did it to other bodies. In this discussion, he shares that equity work is different than cultural healing (anti-racist culture). 

I am not really involved in any community right now.  I think about SoT a lot, and how we were forming something like that... but it dissolved. Will I ever be in community again? Work community? I have a desire to be closer to my coworkers, but I am also aware that the younger ones are at a completely different stage of life, and the ones who are at my level have their own stuff going on. 

Potentially starting with a new therapist on Wednesday, but no insurance coverage so... that's gonna be expensive. I am hopeful, but I am also somewhat guarded. Its also just weird to let someone new in your life. How much do I share? What is important to share?  She named it in the phone call, my inner manager is pretty on guard.