This weekend has been a funny one. Simply in my head. Nothing more or less. I played games and watched shows and movies. I saw no one. Spoke to few. The lack of air quality kept me in doors Friday and Saturday for the most part. Today I took a walk. I didn't really respond to Rachel, the one person who asked to hang out. I sent a message to Jesse talking about the desperation I felt for something meaningful, while ignoring all the potential meaningful things I could have done. I got groceries and cleaned a bit. Almost felt bad for doing too much, because something has to be saved for later, right? Did a bit of writing, and realized it lacked substance. Read a tiny bit. Considered whether I should try to develop a crush on a coworker, just to have something. It's really a funny thing the mind does, tricks you into believing there isn't opportunity, when really you've just been ignoring it.
I spend all my time minimizing, and rationalizing, and trying to be good. Trying to align my behavior with my values, and when I can't do just right, when I am feeling too irrationally needy, I just go home and spend all my time blathering in my head. Drama in my head rather than acting it out. Some of the stories say Karma doesn't just depend on action, its also what you think... well in that case I am up for another lifetime of this.
Too much sugar this weekend. Too much non-involvement in anything meaningful. But not really any consequences for the moment. Maybe in the long run, it's the lifetimes of this. Like my immortal character, who becomes bored with everything. I thought I was clever, but really I am just fooling myself. But will I awake at 40, or 80 feeling the same? The say loneliness kills people more than the other things... so sugar take me away before the isolation!
And the funny thing is, that I could book a flight for Jerusalem or Lhasa tomorrow. Walk away from this life. I could start a new business. I could eat pizza. I could adopt a child. I could do so many things... but instead I will go to work, and likely repeat the same pattern for another week.
"The apocalypse is boring" I told Jesse. I have so little to do, and have pared down all my stressors to nothing. Parents have real worries... I have neuroses. I am 'privileged enough' that I have lost all my substance. I could float away and it wouldn't matter.
Pay your rent. Pay your car insurance. Turn in your licensure paperwork. Prepare for another week.
What is my goal this week? What will make it different than the last? What could I invite in to make myself feel like I was on track to something... anything.
No context. Or rather the context is all in my head.
I have a half written book, and if I die the hours won't have mattered. I have an apartment full of art I made and dislike. I have bins of things I have bought on trips that mean nothing to anyone. I have musical instruments that would get more use if I left them outside my apartment door. I have a steam account that would tell you I have played hours of a game and I am still not very good at it. I have a few bank accounts that are surprisingly flush, but I have no intention of using them any time soon, and if I die tonight, I hope they would go to my niece and nephew's college and travel funds. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I don't think matter a whole lot in the long run, because I won't use them to change anything big... and the world is yucky right now.
And I could do horrible things. Or I could do neutral things. Or I could do good things. Or I could just complain and go to bed and keep doing the same. And what does it matter?
Noureen says I have an air of death about me... like I have given up. Some of these weekends... I just resign to existence. But it's not all bad. I am also very grateful for all the wonders and curiosities and beauty and love. I just wonder if I have already received my fill... you know? Or maybe the next part of my life is about to begin, and I needed to get sick of this one, to really appreciate the new. That could be true.
Or maybe I will get E coli or hepatitis, or some horrible virus from a lover and so G-d is keeping me from them, because I am supposed to stay on this purpose for a while longer.
Or maybe the apocalypse is just more slow and boring for privileged single folks like myself, and that's the price we pay for not having to live in scarcity and survival mode. Boredom... loneliness.
Jesse responded that the short message I sent her should be my dating profile, but it just reeked of desperation and even though I am that, I am averse to that in people. I don't actually want to save anyone or be saved. I want to be inspired again. I want to have hope again. I want to believe in people and in myself. But the weather app has said that the weather is "smoke" for the past few days... and the world just isn't sitting right with me right now. There is a reckoning for what we have done, and continue to do. And I am just as worthy of that recompense. Universe, I give you my services, my body, my neuroses, and eventually all my resources. This is all I have, and all I will ever have to give.
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