Another sleep

 

I went to bed at like 2:30AM

this morning I had another dream, kind of hard to shake because of the feeling, not necessarily because I remember all the details. 

There was a hotel room. Pretty sure that's what it was. Initially there were other people there, and suddenly M's identical sister was stopping by, and she seemed like she needed something. I didn't get the weird vibe I got from her in person, it was more like my clients, I know they have emerging personality disorder traits, but underneath there is a person, and that person also has needs, regardless of the odd ways they usually get them fulfilled. No,  she was present. Personable. Rational. The way M was on her good days. So I felt an almost delight at getting to introduce her to people. Getting to share the positives I know about her, the accolades without the mistrust. And then we were alone. And the need was still there. So we talked. And then, even though there wasn't any thoughts of this going anywhere, the need turned even more physically intimate. And I wanted to satisfy, to satiate, but I felt it would be a violation. And I felt myself dissociating from my body, allowing her to touch and feel, while my mind was elsewhere, and she recognized it, and asked. Is this because of M? and I said yes, not because I didn't want good things for her, but because my heart was not willing to do the things she needed. And she understood, despite her hands still plying at my flesh, like a cat pawing, stretching, kneading. But eventually she pulled away. Still grateful for my company. And we talked about what had happened, and she said it had all gone wrong, and it wasn't her fault, and for some reason I believed her this time (like I did with M), despite my thoughts racing to all the ways it couldn't possibly true... but it didn't matter because, she'd lost the things she thought she needed and now was saying, at least, that she was ready to repair. To take responsibility. To move forward. And the connection felt nice. A moment to say even amongst all the bullshit, there was something meaningful at some point. 

I woke up wanting to live in my dreams. 

I went to work. It was good, not entirely satisfying. 

On my way home I wondered what this dream was about. Maybe a bit of intuition?  (I did have a kid turn the corner at least temporarily today). 

Rarely have I had purely positive thoughts about M's sister. In part because M never really trusted her -like for much of her life. I remember the last convo I had with them together, and looking at her sister uncomprehendingly, wondering who these people are... In a lot of ways her sister is just more openly demonstrative of the toxic side. I was staring at her because she was questioning why on earth I would ever want to have coffee and get to know their younger sister. As if trying to connect or understand or be attuned to anyone else was automatically a bad thing. It wasn't a personal thing even though she was trying to get me and M to turn on her sister, it was the underlying insinuation, caring about people isn't worthwhile. Those narcissistic traits just fully on display... but in the moment and from then on afterward, when ever I remember that conversation, I just see it as a spoken bond between these twins about how they use people. "Why on earth would you ever want a real connection?" was she saying it to me or trying to cast doubt for her sister? To turn her away...  ~you see he is weak, he cares, and it will mean hurt.