"I will bet my life on this scene."
This morning Alan Watts reminded me that risk, a little gamble, is the act of faith, of love, it is what makes life worth living. You have to give something away, you have to act and let go, and in that you find life. Frusciante called it the will to death or the act of creation, and I think he may have heard the same lecture by Watts. Watts relays that without risk, we become stagnant, lose our freedom, lose life. Living a life of faith means taking risks. The will to death, is not death, it is life. Trying to stay alive, defying death, not taking risks, is actual death.
"The game of life is superb... it is to be trusted." "if you don't have faith in it, it will not work."
It's funny because this is a reality that we don't usually hear... the necessity of the gamble, it is not usually put that way. That faith in the game is what makes the game worth living, and not having faith, trusting in the game, not gambling - is what causes death or the withdrawing from life.
His lecture also discusses the difficulty in trusting in law... in the bureaucracy of communities that put their faith in mistrust.
I was reading a lot today, how many lifetimes until conscious reunion with g-d? Would adopting Kriya Yoga advance this? Would I even want that?
I find myself wavering on many things. Opportunities here and there. Faith in the path, and that the path will unfold when it is time. Moments of doubt, of bitterness. Desire and envy. I have little things I need to do, but I long for things that give me spark.
I spent the weekend primarily with family. Enjoyed it, but didn't feel connected much of the time. Like sitting in a room, playing a role, but not feeling known, or at least not special. A room full of family, a division, a piece of love and connection to each. It was good. But it didn't drive me anywhere. I mean, Grant and my Mom drove me places. But it didn't make me feel further down the path. Being up north reminds me of the dreams I had of raising a family and bringing them there. All the little things. Grief really. And the question of, if I don't have a family of my own to pass forward in time, will I continue to want to be part of this experience? The niece and nephew are wonderful, but a piece, a division.
I have found myself asking my parents about their faith, about their states of being, and realizing that they haven't experienced the same things... that for them, the quiet peaceful moment of being present is what they looked for, and what kept them going. And I am their child, so of course I will make all the same mistakes as they, and also learn all the lessons from them to move past them... but I am afraid to say it. To stand on my own. I don't know what I am moving in to. I don't want to make mistakes... but Watts tells me to gamble more.
Maybe I should take that high ropes course, conquer my fear of heights. Maybe I should go to India. Maybe I should buy a house. Maybe I should ask out the next passing beauty. Who knows.
I saw friends before and after the weekend. Pete and Jessica. Their lives are moving forward with children and partners, new jobs and locations. We caught up, but I am not caught up... if that makes sense.
In the book there is this idea that when you give your life to g-d, your family enlarges, you are responsible for more souls but may feel less connected to each personally. I keep going back to that feeling of ecstasy I had a week ago. How when I saw people I could see their beauty but did't feel more connected to one than the next thing. A soul is a soul. Light is light. I found it all beautiful and sorrowful, and mesmerizing. Each thing was not a thing. I keep wondering if I felt separate to it, or just recognized myself within it and not attached to my ego. I remember feeling good about myself, and really dismissive in a validating way of my humanness. Like it was all so silly.
The pieces come together spiritually, and then I find myself discarding them for easy pleasures, sex and candy, and still wanting something personal to hold and say this is mine, for me, forever.
I want to travel and take pictures. I want to have stuff but with someone else. I want to invest my life in something that feels worthwhile.
There is this funny exchange in the book where one of the gurus is being given his mission to share Kriya Yoga with the world, but his master who is an avatar of g-d, shares a golden palace with him first. He says this is the last bit of your karma you need to work off, you wanted this, so you must have it before you can renounce the old... and so he is initiated in this palace of gold and jewels... which is perfectly real and also completely illusionary. and the commentary basically says anything we ever think creates new karma that has to be answered, for better or worse, not just our actions but an untrained imagination, an overthinking mind, a heart that desires, will continue to dole out karma that keeps us locked in the Maya.... and of course it does.
Of course there is cause and effect within the illusion, and of course it leads to our understanding... we learn, we grow, we make new choices, we develop boundaries... we learn to prioritize and shift our values towards the things that matter and spend less time dramatizing and dithering with that which doesn't matter...
Why was I born this way? previous karma. Why will I struggle with these same things? Karma. Why will I spend more lifetimes this way, the karma I am contributing. Is it all natural and ok? Yes...
I find myself thinking about how this belief system is the closest to my understanding of g-d, and then I also think about how I believe the same when I read mystics from other traditions... its all the same, just different metaphors and symbols for the same. The divine unity of being.
So why am I so afraid that I am doing things wrong? That I am left out? That I am undeserving? That I am called to do something beyond my capabilities? none of it is true, and none of it matters.
A rather funny way of demonstrating the consistency of mike's karmic/dharmic mental spirals: "yoga" -written 15 yrs ago.
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